i have to keep reminding myself that this is real

my goal when i first wanted to publish poetry was to personalize each book. i wanted to draw in them, hand write notes, press flowers, add more to them. but i didn’t know how to do that with Become, and Soft Human was something separate from what i want to do with my work. that book was more a collection of reminders and confessions. i would not call any of it poetry. but now i am working on poetry. real poetry. and i am being patient with this process. i want to write more than i want to publish. i want it to be a small collection, too. i keep writing the same poems over and over and trying to rework them and i have never really done that before. it has been years since i’ve written poems that exceed a page. now they’re reaching 3, 4. they aren’t for anybody but myself. and they’re love poems. i’m trying to commit to love poems. but i want to order maybe 20 books at a time and personalize each one of them and just have those available. and when they sell, i will order 20 more and personalize those. i never really wanted my poetry to be mass produced and always the same. that’s why i like when other people draw and write in my books when they buy them. but i think i’m going to do it myself this time around. i think it’ll be a lot more intimate for people. i feel like i lost myself and lost sight of my little dreams the past couple years when it came to writing and putting my work out there. i can feel myself coming back to myself in this way. 

Just a reminder:

Writing is hard work and you’ll be rejected…MANY TIMES. Always keep in mind that you wrote a novel. You created something from nothing. I know it’s hard not to feel like a real or accomplished writer unless you have an agent or get published by a BIG publishing company, but you ARE a writer. It might take a long time to reach your goals, but you’ll get there if you keep pushing yourself.

Please enjoy writing and take some time out to give yourself a pat on the back. I’m often very hard on myself and I figured most of you have experienced the same thing. Write because you love writing.

I keep finding pieces of you in me - pieces I held on to so tightly, that they sunk into my skin and became a part of my soul. And I still catch myself doing the smallest things just to remind myself that you were real. I can’t even look at the sky without thinking of your eyes, and at night the stars remind me of the way you used to make me feel. You’re here, but you’re not, and my heart is torn trying to hold on to everything we used to have. I didn’t want to let you go. I guess I never did.
—  I think I’ll miss you forever // inevitable
Behind The Scenes 2 (6.6/16)

Author’s note: I am currently in the process of writing BTS 3. While doing so (and while I was writing BTS 2), I triggered myself a few times and brought up some really bad stuff for myself. I just want to remind you all that my story is dark and some parts may get really intense. My goal while I have been writing this is to make my series as real as possible. I absolutely love all the BTS members and the way I write them in this series does NOT reflect my feelings and opinions towards them. I know my series is going to have dark and intense parts and I am going to put warnings whenever necessary. I really hope you all still keep up with and enjoy my series.

*Different POVs are in italics.

Sorry about the long note and sorry for any errors in this post.

Genre: More so friendship fluff (Suga and Jhope)

Word count: 2476

Summary: you use your free time to talk to your only friends. 

Other parts: HERE

This is my GIF. I made it based off of this scenario series.


The first thing you did when you got to the dorm was go to Suga’s room. You just straight up busted in to his room. “Y/n?” Suga stopped pacing around and immediately went up to you. “Y/n! How did it go? What happened?”

You didn’t say anything, you just wrapped your arms around him. He did the same. “Why are you covered in food?” his arm touched a wet patch on your back and he noticed a pieces of popcorn in your hair. “Don’t tell me Jungkook did this!”

You shook your head and pressed your head into his chest. You felt like you wanted to cry, but you couldn’t get the tears to come out. You stayed nuzzled on to his hug for a while before he suggested that you two take a seat on the bed. Without letting go of you, he moved the two of you to the bed.

He tried to lighten the mood a bit. “So… Are you going to tell grandpa Suga what’s wrong?”

You wanted to laugh, you honestly did, but you stayed quiet. You only nodded again.

Suga kept his arm around your shoulder. “Just tell me when you’re ready.” He said softly.

“… The whole thing made me feel so… uuuuggggggg! I hate pretending with Jungkook. He’s such a fucking aaaahhhhh! You get me?”

“Yeah… I get you…”

“I don’t think I can keep this up, not after how this went.”

“Why?”

“Well, to state the obvious, Jungkook is disgusting. And secondly, they all hate me.”

“Who hates you?”

“ARMY. There were so many people going up to Jungkook and they kept staring at me like I was gross pile of shit. After the movie there was a whole fucking mob of them. One started telling me shit and then others started doing the same and they started throwing stuff at me and then at Jungkook too! Then some fans were yelling at Jungkook and some other ones were trying to come to his defense. Then the fans started fighting each other! I don’t want to do this anymore! I didn’t mean to start anything! Now they are all going to hate me even more! What if they start hating you guys too?”

“I’m sorry that happened y/n… But it’s not your fault.” He said softly.

You gripped onto his other arm. “Yes, it is! If I didn’t have to do it, they wouldn’t have fought like that!”

Suga held onto your hand. “No, it’s not your fault. Namjoon forced you two to go on that date. Those fans were just being mean and got themselves in to that situation. It’s not your fault.”

“Why is he making me do this Yoongi? Why?”

“I don’t know…”

You both stayed quiet for a bit.

“Just don’t think about it anymore okay? It’s all just nothing, Okay?” he said.

“Okay.”

“No, you need to prove it.” He said playfully. He lifted your face so that you were looking up at him.

“Why?” you whined.

“I just wanna make sure you’re over it. Smile to prove it.”

You gave him a sad attempt at a smile.

“C’mon a real one!”

“I can’t.” you pouted. You took your face out of his hand and rested your head on his shoulder.

“Ok… wait… I know something that’ll cheer you up…”

You looked up at him questionably.

“I’ll be back in a second.” He stepped off the bed and walked out of the room.

“Where is he going?” you asked yourself.

About a minute later you heard a set of footsteps getting closer to the door. Suga popped his head into the room. “Okay! I brought your favorite!” he said pulling Jhope into the room.

“Awww y/n what’s wrong?” Jhope became concerned when he saw how upset you looked. He quickly ran over to you and scooped you into a big hug. Suga stayed standing in front of the two of you.

You hugged Jhope back and told him how the “date” went.

“Awww y/n don’t listen to them. They were just being mean. They were jealous that you were with Jungkook. They were probably jealous that you were so pretty too. That’s probably why they tried to destroy your outfit.” He said taking a closer look at your clothes.

“Bullshit! You should have seen the way they were staring at me Hobi. You should have heard what they were yelling at me!”

“No. Believe me. When have I ever lied to you, huh? They were just jealous. Jealous of you with Jungkook and jealous of your looks.”

“You already told me that. If you wanted to make me feel better, you can’t just repeat the same crap.”

“Hey. Cut me some slack. It’s very possible that I am a bit high to cut down the anxiety I was feeling over you and Jungkook. Good thing Yoongi dragged me over here. I didn’t know you guys were back.”

You rolled your eyes at him. “Ok, I’ll accept the Jungkook stuff, but you didn’t have to go as far as to compliment me.”

“I’m just stating a fact!” Jhope smiled

“Yeah y/n. He’s right. I’ve told you before how great you are. I don’t know why their comments bothered you. You get worse from Jimin on a daily basis.”

“No shit.” You pouted and rested your head in your hand. “Maybe Jimin is right… they were yelling the same stuff he always tells me.”

Jhope kicked Suga’s leg.

“The fuck?” Suga whispered to Jhope.

Jhope didn’t say anything. He just motioned his head toward you. You were too busy worrying about what Jimin was going to yell at you to pay attention to the two of them.

Suga sat down next to you. “I didn’t mean it like that way y/n. Just don’t worry about anything okay? Don’t worry about ARMY. Don’t worry about Jimin. Don’t worry about what Jungkook does. Just worry about yourself. Just focus on trying to keep up the illusion that you and Jungkook are dating.”

“And focus on me!” Jhope cut in. He began doing excessive amounts of aegyo to try and cheer you up. You smiled at him. “Yay! She smiled! She’s all better!” he exclaimed

Your smile quickly disappeared though. “I do worry about Jimin though. I don’t want to go to my room. He’s probably gonna give me a ton of shit too.”

“Don’t worry, he’s harmless. He’s just being a bully.” Jhope said.

“Yeah.” Suga agreed.

You wanted to tell them about what Jimin yelled at you the other day, about how he wished that you were dead. “Do I tell them? How would they react? Would they be mad or would they just tell me to blow it off?… I shouldn’t tell them. It can make all things worse.” You thought.

“Well, he’s probably not going to be a problem tonight.” Jhope mumbled.

Without your knowledge, Suga slapped the back of Jhope’s head.

“Why do you say that Hobi?” you turned to face him.

“Uh, well, um…” He looked to Suga for a spilt second. “Practice didn’t go so well after you guys left. Namjoon was pretty hard on us afterwards and Jimin got the most of it.”

“Yeah!… He’s been in a mood since then. He won’t talk to anyone.” Suga added.

“Well, this can go one of two ways,” you began. “He can be quiet… or he will take his anger out on me…”

“Listen to your hope.” Jhope made you look at him. He cupped your face. “You are beautiful. Jimin won’t bother you today. Just worry about yourself and focus on me, your angel.” He smiled.

“Ok” you said giving him a small smile.

He pulled you into another hug.

“What time is it?” you asked still in Jhope’s arms.

Jhope kicked Suga’s leg again. “Check Bitch!”

Suga mumbled under his breath as he pulled out his phone. “11:03”

“Shit! I need to shower, like now! I only have till 11:30!” you tried to pull yourself off of Jhope, but he refused to let you go. “Hobi! Let go!”

“No! first promise me that you won’t let ARMY get to you!”

“Hobi!”

“Promise!”

“Fine! I promise.”

“Pinky promise?”

“How can if you don’t let me go?”

“Ah you got me there” He released you from his embrace and made you pinky promise him.

“Night guys. See you guys tomorrow.” You said walking to the door.

“Hey! Wait! You have to promise me too!” Suga said.

“Ahh!” you huffed in frustration. You shuffled over to him and sloppily intertwined your pinky with his.

“Nah, for real y/n.”

“Yoongi, I need to shower!” you grumpily pinky promised him more properly.

“Better! Goodnight!” he smiled

“Night y/n.” Jhope said.

“Night.” You walked out of the room and to the hallway bathroom.

MEANWHILE (SUGA & JHOPE):

Jhope stayed behind in the room with Suga. He looked over at Suga with a smirk on his face. “So, when are you gonna tell her?” He asked.

“Tell her what? About Jimin? I’m not gonna tell her anything. You were the one that almost gave it all away!”

“I wasn’t actually gonna say anything about it though!” he said defensively.

“You better not! She doesn’t need to be in any deeper shit. Something like that needs to come from Jimin himself and with the way he is with her, it’s never gonna happen. We gotta keep it like that for his sake.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Something like that can be a secret for only so long. I’m actually surprised she hasn’t found out yet. She found out about my shit in less than 2 months of being here. She’s sharing a room with him now. She’ll find out one way or another… But that wasn’t what I was asking about.”

Suga raised an eyebrow at him. “So what did you mean?”

Jhope slid next to Suga and placed an arm around his shoulders. “When are you going to tell y/n that you like her?” he whispered with a smirk on his face again.

Suga shrugged his arm off of him and stood up from the bed. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Jhope stood up and took a step towards Suga. “Don’t play stupid with me.” He said teasingly

“I don’t like her like that.”

“Yeah and I’m sober!” There an excess of sarcasm in Jhope’s voice. “I see the way you look at her! You are always using the mirror to stare at her during practice. Not to mention how you were right now. You should have seen your face when I kept hugging her. You looked so jealous!” he laughed.

“Shut up! It’s not what you think. I just check on her. She’s going through a lot right now.”

“More like checking her out.” Jhope snorted.

Suga kicked Jhope in the shin.

“Ouch! What was that for?”

“For being stupid!… Anyway, you should be keeping an eye on her too!”

“Don’t worry I am. Just don’t be jealous about it okay?”

“I don’t like her like that! Just drop it!”

“Suuure. “You don’t like her.” I got ya.” He winked ask he walked out of the room.

BACK TO Y/N:

You walked out of the shower and changed back into the same dirty clothes. You were in such a rush to shower, that you once again forgot to get yourself a clean change of clothes. You stepped out and tiptoed to the kitchen to check the time.

“11:24… I should go to the room now.”

From the hall you could hear voices coming from your door. You walked in to find V sitting on the computer chair placed next to Jimin’s bed. Jungkook was also next to the bed, except he was kneeling on the floor. He too had just showered. They both stared at you as you walked to your trash bag to find a change of clothes.

Jimin was laying on his bed. His back was to the boys as he faced the wall.

“Hey y/n.” V said. “Sorry to hear about how the date went. Jungkook updated me about the whole thing.” he had taken notice of your dirty clothes. “Don’t worry, I’m sure the next ones you two go on will go smoother,” he said reassuringly.

“Next ones?” you asked.

“Uh-huh.” He nodded. “Namjoon told me that he wants you two to go out more. You know, to keep with the whole “almost two years of dating” thing.” He said as he looked between you and Jungkook.

You and Jungkook turned to each other, exchanging looks of annoyance/disgust.

You went back to look for clothes, then you ran back to the bathroom to change. You pulled out the sweater Suga gave you months ago and put on a pair of sweatpants. When you returned, the boys were still with Jimin.

“C’mon Jimin! It’s not like you to be like this for this long.” V whined.

“Yeah!” Jungkook added. You could tell that he didn’t know what to say.

“Practice must have been pretty bad.” You thought.

Jimin continued to stay quiet. He didn’t say anything when Jungkook and V called out to him. He even went as far as to slap their hands away or kick them away when they tried to move him around. No matter what, he stayed facing the wall.

You sat on your mattress and continued to watch V and Jungkook’s attempts to cheer Jimin up. Although Jimin was one of you least favorite people, you couldn’t get any cheer out of seeing him so upset. Deep, deep, deep down you actually kind of felt a tiny bit bad for him.

“Y/n!” Rap monster call out your name in to the hallway.

“She’s in here!” V shouted. “C’mon Jimin. You shouldn’t go to bed angry.” He said in a much softer voice.

The door swung open. Rap monster scanned the room, his eyes landing on you. “Well isn’t a little someone going above and beyond today.” Then he directed his eyes over to Jimin. “What’s up his ass?’ He smirked.

You noticed Jungkook clench his jaw. He turned to Rap monster, “He’s still upset” he growled.

Rap monster’s smirked remained, but his eyes turned to lasers aimed at Jungkook. “He should be happy if you ask me.”

You could see Jimin tense up and curl into a ball.

“I think it’s time we all go to sleep.” Rap monster “suggested”. He was still glaring at Jungkook, Jungkook glaring back at him.

“Um, Jungkook let’s go. We have a long day tomorrow.” V said softly, trying to avoid another confrontation. He grabbed Jungkook off of the floor and pushed Jungkook out of the room.

Rap monster turned his gaze over to you. Without a word he flicked off the lights and locked the door behind him.


I’ve put alot of time and work into this series, and whenever I get a like,a reblog or a comment/ask, it really motivates me to finish writing it. I am not really a writer and this series is really my first time I’m actually writing, especially something that is so long and rather complex at times. Thank you to those who have keep up and caught up with the series. Once again, I hope you all still around till the end and enjoy it.

This one is special to me 😌 I’m keeping it. It reminds me of a man I got to love for a short period of time, too short. Life is short, I need to do more art, be positive, have more courage. I can’t let fear control me anymore. This time of year reminds me of his life, that he was once here, that it was all real. I love this time of year, and I’m loving again and it feels good not to feel guilty about it anymore. So anyways, life is all about growth and I can feel myself growing 😊✌

moving blogs!

in regards to this post, i have ultimately decided to move clara over to my multimuse blog,@knownhistory, in an attempt to clean up my tumblr presence and make roleplaying less stressful for myself. i will leave this blog up, but with a theme that redirects you to my new blog instead. any threads i have here will be transferred if you so choose them to be, just give me a reminder, i’d love to keep our writing up!

if multimuses aren’t your thing, i’ll also be keeping @dundied up & running as a one-muse blog for pam beesly ! it’s been real fun here guys, i love you all, & i hope to see you around on @knownhistory or @dundied!

ok like toa spoilers but can we please talk about solangelo real quick??

like here we have an openly queer couple introduced literally the paragraph after their character introductions, no “maybe a thing” or “unrequited crushes” its immediately confirmed

can i just say how incredible that is, especially for a book targeted towards a younger demographic?? like i have to keep reminding myself that yes, they are canon and happy, i didnt make it up

idk after so much queerbaiting in practically everything its just really nice

3

I drew a thing tonight! I shall call it “Natasha Romanoff, kicking the shit out of a punching bag in some grimy gym somewhere."It’s been about a million years since I’ve actually sat down and forced myself to finish something so this was fun. Wasn’t planning on doing any shading buuuut I started crosshatching the punching bag and couldn’t help myself. I’m decently happy with how it turned out! (Although I keep finagling with the shading and I have to remind myself that there is no undo key in real life.)

like i have to remind myself what happens when i get stressed

my hair falls out, my skin breaks out

i’m lookin real cute and i need ta keep that up for 2015

so that’s motivation right there not to stress out