i have to keep reminding myself that this is real

Sometimes I still get these urges to contact you.
It feels like pure desperation…  Like my skin is crawling and my eyes are burning and I just want you back in my life so badly….
And I don’t know why? Where these sudden urges come from?
Why do I still do this, even after all this time?!
It’s like I'm getting out, I'm almost clear…. and then suddenly I feel like I would do absolutely anything just to have you back in my life again.
Even for a single moment…. Just to see you, talk to you - ANYTHING!
It’s like I don’t WANT to be out, I still want to be in love with you because in my mind, loving you equates to happiness and I just want that back… just for one second.
But I have to remind myself it’s not healthy. 
Loving you is not like it used to be - it's not real anymore.
It’s not happy, it’s not positive…. and it’s gone and I can’t go back.
All I can do is put the phone down, blink back the tears … and keep moving forward.
—  Ranata Suzuki

anonymous asked:

For your AU post! I LOVE secretly married Aus, so how about one of those? I'm thinking IronPanther, maybe? Or IronFalcon! One of those (first one would be preferred, but both are great!), they've known each other much longer than in canon (obviously) and for some reason their relationship get's made public/ the other avengers find out?

Oh man do I enjoy Secretly Married AUs!! The drama, anon. The drama. Also fluff. Please fluff because unhappy endings break my heart. Anyways, I like both pairings, so I’m just gonna go with IronPanther. Btw this turned into a Post CW ficlet that focuses mostly on Tony and T’Challa, I hope that’s alright!


It happens on their fifteen year anniversary because of course it does. The universe refuses to grant them a single moment of peaceful happiness after all. Looking back Tony really doesn’t know how he didn’t see this coming.

And it’s so unfair because the last six months have been hard on the both of them. The last two years, to be honest. With the whole Civil War mess, T’Chaka’s death, the fighting and betrayal–well, Tony wishes he could say he was able to keep those events from affecting his marriage, but that would be nothing more than wishful thinking. The first time they had been fighting side by side and T’Challa had been in too much pain, too blinded by his desire for revenge for him to enjoy the moment, never mind that he’d been fighting against half his team. Then there was the matter of Siberia, of his husband taking Rogers and Barnes with him and leaving Tony behind and-

There’s a hand on his shoulder, warm and grounding, the pleasantly familiar sound of T’Challa’s voice, talking to him, slowly drowning out the ugly thoughts in Tony’s head.

He takes a shaky breath, blinks, meets his husband’s worried gaze. “Sorry,” he thinks he mumbles, and wishes the trembling would stop already.

It hasn’t been a good day. Not after someone–the Dora Milaje are already looking into it–leaked those pictures of them to the international press. Tony wants to laugh, but it ends up coming out as more of a hysterical sob.

Fifteen years. They’ve managed to keep their marriage a secret for fifteen years. Sure, they have been times they both wished the hiding would stop, but there had never quite been the right moment to announce it, and now? After everything? They were still trying to do damage control with the fall-out from the Accords, Tony honestly isn’t sure whether there could have been much of a worse moment for this to be revealed.

Forget the UN and Ross for a moment, how would Rogers and his little band of followers take the news? Their presence in Wakanda couldn’t become known,  at this stage it might lead to an actual war against the country and-

“Hush, my heart,” T’Challa’s voice rings strong and clear in Tony’s ears, and he allows himself to sink back into his husband’s arms, until his head is resting against T’Challa’s chest, listening to the rhythmic heartbeat.

“What are we gonna do?” Tony whispers, hopeless and worried and so, so, tired.

“We will figure something out,” T’Challa replies without hesitation, cards his hand through Tony’s hair. “Our marriage is not something I have ever been ashamed of, beloved, nor should we be. It is a bond of joy and love, that should be honoured. Ultimately there is nothing anyone can do. We have broken no laws, nor do we owe the world an explanation. And I will be glad to walk proudly by your side, instead of watching you across yet another hall.“

Almost against his will, Tony can feel himself relaxing, soaking up the utter calmness T’Challa exudes, the easy confidence soothing his frayed nerves. Rationally he knows they have faced much, much worse, knows that even though things aren’t gonna be easy, this particular issue will eventually be solved–but T’Challa makes him believe it, without hesitation or doubt.

“Love you,” he says into the high-quality shirt he’s burrowed his face in–it’s so soft too, Tony approves of his husband’s taste–because he can’t think of anything else to say. Most people would describe Tony as ‘incapable of shutting up’ but when it comes to his personal relationships, he has never been the most articulate.

The arms around him tighten, and he can hear T’Challa’s smile in his responding, “I love you too, my heart.”

“Be at ease for now, we will deal with this issue later. And get you to a hair dresser as soon as possible,” he adds after a moment, teasingly pulls on a strand of Tony’s admittedly rather unruly hair. 

A cut hasn’t been on his mind for months, and he can’t help laughing–at T’Challa’s antics, the situation, everything. He doesn’t need to look up to know that this has been T’Challa’s intention from the start, simply squeezes his hand in silent appreciation.

They’ve got this. They really do.

[The confrontation with the rogue Avengers is as ugly as T’Challa has expected it to be. The only positive side of this is that Tony isn’t anywhere near to hear the commotion, T’Challa might have been forced to kill someone otherwise. As it is, there isn’t much to be said about it, in the end. His marriage isn’t a recent thing, it doesn’t change the actual situation. Not that you’d believe as much, if you listen to Clint Barton’s poisonous rant. At least Captain Rogers’ indignant rant is silenced with a sharp reminder that trust only reaches as far as it is extended.

“Your mind is your own, but any insult against my husband is an insult against myself. I suggest you keep that in mind!” has been the only warning T’Challa is willing to grant them. His patience isn’t limitless and certain guests have been testing those limits for some time now.]

celtickai  asked:

I genuinely have moments where I have to remind myself Amun is your OC because your art is so amazing and his story is so well put together.

aaaah my gosh what a lovely thing to hear!! i’m becoming pretty invested in fleshing out this bits-and-pieces concept into a proper story, and hearing that people regard amun as a “real character” really motivates me to keep working. if even a handful of people are enjoying it that’s amazing for me! ; 0 ;

speaking of motivation, i wanted to draw amun again tonight so here’s another ancient-era doodle:

You will be surprised to see that we cram more superheroes onto the bridge of the Waverider than is physically possible…I was responsible for writing a scene that had, like, 22 people in it, and I had to keep a list just to remind myself who was in the scene. I think we need a wider lens to make sure we can keep everyone in the same frame. It’s preposterous. And then you have doppelgangers, just trying to keep track of who was in the scene and what costume they’re supposed to be wearing was a real math and science.”

Phil Klemmer says of the massive final conclusion to the four-way crossover.

Originally posted by telefilmaddictedforever

Weak- Cassian Andor (Part Two)

Pairing: Cassian Andor/OC

Warnings: SMUT FOR DAYS

A/N: This literally took me hours, lol. I’m not even ashamed, I just hope it turned out aright since I’m not normally a smut writer. Also– ft. alternate ending for Rogue One but fair warning, it’s still mildly depressing. It’s not fluff, it’s not angst…it’s like…flangst. I’m also a huge hopeless, romantic sap. Okay I’m done waffling now. #fixitfic2k17

Tags

@libsybum @princeofsassgard


Cassian’s grip was tight around my shoulders as we watched the world around us fade away. Fear clutched my heart in a cold, iron grip, making it feel as if my blood had turned to ice. The three of us exchanged worried looks, Cass slung in-between Jyn and I, too weak to stand on his own. Hopelessness began to replace the triumph I had felt only moments before, until I heard the sweet sound of a ship engine. I craned my neck and heard a relieved laugh escape Jyn as a rebel fighter ship lowered itself onto the beach and hovered over the sand. Inside, several rebel fighters were watching frantically at us and I knew we had maybe seconds before Scarif was gone.

Cassian grunted in pain as I helped him climb into the ship, two other pairs of hands reaching from inside to pull him him. Jyn and I followed, hopping in just as the pilot began to pull away from the beach. My entire body ached with exhaustion, but it was nothing compared to the state of my heart as I looked around the ship and saw no other familiar face. I tugged on the sleeve of the nearest rebel fighter. He leaned toward me, turning his head to hear my voice over the road of the engines.

Keep reading

Sometimes I still get these urges to contact you.
It feels like pure desperation…  Like my skin is crawling and my eyes are burning and I just want you back in my life so badly….
And I don’t know why? Where these sudden urges come from?
Why do I still do this, even after all this time?!
It’s like I'm getting out, I'm almost clear…. and then suddenly I feel like I would do absolutely anything just to have you back in my life again.
Even for a single moment…. Just to see you, talk to you - ANYTHING!
It’s like I don’t WANT to be out, I still want to be in love with you because in my mind, loving you equates to happiness and I just want that back… just for one second.
But I have to remind myself it’s not healthy. 
Loving you is not like it used to be - it's not real anymore.
It’s not happy, it’s not positive…. and it’s gone and I can’t go back.
All I can do is put the phone down, blink back the tears … and keep moving forward.
8

NU'EST OT5 INTERACTION AT BOF FESTIVAL TODAY!
Wanna One performed right after Nu'est W 2 times which was bittersweet.
Loves are going wild today and crying over the little bit of OT5 interaction that happened.. waiting for better pics and a frontal one of them together but no one has released yet. At rehersal Minhyun stood next to his members, he stood next to Aron, which made me really sad cos we havent seen together for most of 2017, and now we have to wait until 2019 to see Minron together. However, on the actual stage Nu'est stood next to Daniel and not Minhyun. I couldnt tell you the reason why, are his fans really that bad? but in general Minhyun is careful about Nu'est interaction and looks scared sometimes. Theres a video of him looking so fucking sad, when he glances at his members on stage, and then quickly looks away. I can tell he must be feeling a mixture of emotions right now, in this last pic Minhyun is listening to NU'EST W perform ‘Hello’ without him :( He must be proud of sad at the same time. I compare Minhyun to how he used to be and he is quite different, and you can really tell how much he misses his kids, because they are his family of almost 8 years after all. And it sucks when they hang out they cant just casually upload a pic on insta together to sooth loves hearts. The next year is gonna be real hard. I keep telling myself to stay strong and wait, and wonder if i’m overeacting. But ot5 have been in my life so many years, I will never ever get over them being seperated for so fucking long. And I’m hoping they stay together for a real long time after he returns, cos that time will be their begining, like a start over/re-debut of NU'EST. I have to keep reminding myself everything Minhyun is doing right now is all for NU'EST. Since debut everything they do is for eachother. Our hearts hurt everyday, its even harder than I thought it would be. Its probably 10× harder for the members. Hopefully they will be able to interact more in the future. For now lets work hard on voting and streaming for NU'EST W, so theres a strong foundation when Minhyun returns.

hollywoodreporter.com
DC TV Watch: CW Showrunners Preview the (Super) Four-Way Crossover
THR rounds up the major twists, new mysteries and more announcements for all the DC Comics TV shows.

Welcome to The Hollywood Reporter’s weekly DC TV Watch, a rundown of all things DC Comics on TV. Every Friday, we round up the major twists, epic fights, new mysteries and anything else that goes down on The CW’s Arrow, The Flash, Legends of Tomorrow, Supergirl and Black Lightning and Fox’s Gotham.  

Arrow

Break out the tissues | With only a handful of episodes remaining between now and the upcoming four-show crossover between all of The CW’s Arrow-verse shows, the producers are opening up about the heart at the center of it. “The biggest surprise will be the emotional component of the crossover,” Arrow executive producer Wendy Mericle tells THR. “I don’t think anyone is going to see that coming. It’s very much a dark love story. It’s the underpinnings of that that will make the Earth-X element a real contrast to that. Oliver [Stephen Amell] has a big role to play in it, and it’s bigger and better than any crossover we’ve done in the past. It’s going to be epic.”

The Flash

The center of it all | “In typical hero-villain fashion, the wedding is not the wedding that Barry (Grant Gustin) and Iris (Candice Patton) probably dreamed of,” executive producer Todd Helbing tells THR. “This crossover is so different. Any time you’re trying to keep the narrative going on four different shows, it’s challenging. The Earth-X scenario we put everyone in really played into the story that we wanted to tell.”

New hero alert | Back in the season three “Flashpoint” premiere, a throwaway line about a superhero named Citizen Cold saving the day didn’t seem like anything more than a fun Easter egg. But according to the network’s official synopsis for the four-show crossover, Wentworth Miller is returning (as part of his last run of episodes on The CW’s DC series) as Citizen Cold, a friendly superhero ally of everyone gathered for the big wedding. Does this mean that Captain Cold’s doppelganger from the Flashpoint timeline will somehow travel to Earth-1 to help battle the Earth-X villains? Or is Citizen Cold from Earth-2 or Earth-X or any other Earth? And what will this heroic version of Captain Cold be like? How different will he act? So many questions that a short episode synopsis can’t answer!

Legends of Tomorrow

Can the Legends make you cry? | Echoing Mericle’s comments, Legends of Tomorrow executive producer Phil Klemmer reveals that, surprisingly, it’s the Legends team that will end up bringing the waterworks during the four-show crossover. “You’ll be most surprised that Legends is capable of making our audience cry,” Klemmer tells THR. “I thought last season really leaned into the comedy, and that season three we tripled down on that. There’s some ludicrous moments. Things get bananas, and yet in this crossover, we have this thing that happens that will honestly move you to tears.” Calling it “a testament to our actors that they can do this comedic, super-rompy fun show that also has moments of genuine emotion,” since the final episode of the crossover takes place as an episode of Legends of Tomorrow, expect some big heroic sacrifice or climactic last-second miracle save to really play with your emotions.

Super epic | “You will be surprised to see that we cram more superheroes onto the bridge of the Waverider than is physically possible,” Klemmer says of the massive final conclusion to the four-way crossover. “I was responsible for writing a scene that had, like, 22 people in it, and I had to keep a list just to remind myself who was in the scene. I think we need a wider lens to make sure we can keep everyone in the same frame. It’s preposterous. And then you have doppelgangers, just trying to keep track of who was in the scene and what costume they’re supposed to be wearing was a real math and science.”

If every decision we make or don’t make leads to a parallel universe, it satisfies me to know that there are a few where I haven’t met you and haven’t forgotten how a whole heart beats.

Theory of multiverse comforts me because it means I have made every possible decision and am living a life of every possible alternative in front of me.

There’s a universe where I am happy and there’s another one where I am dead.

How scientific is my understanding or even the existence of multiverse, I don’t know or care about.

See that’s where being a writer comes into play, I can use all the material out there and it doesn’t even have to be real.

Am I real?
It’s been a while since I’ve ceased to feel so.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am more than the words I type.
That I can move and run and jump and kiss.
That I can keep aside my book and step outside my room to interact with people rather than the voices in my head.

I don’t feel motivated enough to do so now. I don’t feel strong enough to live a ‘real’ life right now.

But it’s okay, because in another universe, I already am.

a-chaosofbeauty  asked:

Is there any information on Azazel's backstory, how he became a fallen angel? I would enjoy seeing an episode focusing on his past, maybe show us some moments when he was an angel. Do you think they will add some Azazel flashbacks in this season?

afaik, in bahamut universe, he fell for a human’s daughter, and that he only realized what he felt for her was love after she was killed. I’m not sure if this will ever make it into the anime, but oh boy do I wish for it. If a certain kid really is Michael’s kid, then this would sure provide a contrast to Azazel’s backstory. Like, they both were angels, they both loved daughters of men, but while Azazel got punished for it and became a fallen, Michael got to keep his Archangel status. Or maybe that was exactly the reason: Azazel was not high-ranking enough to make such offense and get away with it like Michael.

I’d love to see an ep focusing on azazel! :D and esp his time as an angel bcs angels tend to wear revealing clothes so the possibility is high his angel clothes were just as revealing *__*

but tbh I still can’t believe Azazel got so much screentime so far in this season that every time I see any of the eps I have to remind myself this is real life and not only my imagination bcs wow how are we so blessed ヽ(;▽;)ノ I mean during genesis when he appeared for more than a minute I was already praising the staff to high heaven but then in virgin soul not only we got to see him being pretty and actually acknowledged for being pretty but we also got to see him being embarrassing and making stupid faces while also being unexpectedly kind (albeit grudgingly) and looking cool at the same time and counting the screentime he might as well be this season’s protag like omg is this really real??? /SCREAMS

I’m also so thankful for all the layers the staff gave Azazel bcs I feel every time I rewatch I keep discovering things I hadn’t notice before. Like in the scene above, he showed discontent when Rita accused him of things that *he* felt was untrue re:the cause of nina running away. I used to think being an ancient demon and all, he would be used to ppl accusing him of things therefore he would just ignore them and pretend it didn’t matter or something - much like the way he handled Dante and those demons at the end of ep4. But here to Rita he visibly showed genuine reaction - which suggests to me that the opinion of ppl he cared about did matter, and that he couldn’t stand being misunderstood.

I also keep going back to the way he said “and then you met me.” There’s a certain melancholy note to it, esp if you knew the reason for his fall. He might as well be saying ‘you should’ve been better off never meeting me,’ like meeting him at all was actually a bad luck for her. I feel this is actually a throw back to his past and how he thought the girl he fell for would have never got killed if she never met him.

If every decision we make or don’t make leads to a parallel universe, it satisfies me to know that there are a few where I haven’t met you and haven’t forgotten how a whole heart beats.

Theory of multiverse comforts me because it means I have made every possible decision and am living a life of every possible alternative in front of me.

There’s a universe where I am happy and there’s another one where I am dead.

How scientific is my understanding or even the existence of multiverse, I don’t know or care about.

See that’s where being a writer comes into play, I can use all the material out there and it doesn’t even have to be real.

Am I real?
It’s been a while since I’ve ceased to feel so.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am more than the words I type.
That I can move and run and jump and kiss.
That I can keep aside my book and step outside my room to interact with people rather than the voices in my head.

I don’t feel motivated enough to do so now. I don’t feel strong enough to live a ‘real’ life right now.

But it’s okay, because in another universe, I already am.

The Wonder of You (Sebastian Stan x Reader)

Originally posted by buckynsebimagines

Prompt: Ooo how about Sebastian finds out the reader is pregnant & he’s just so excited & it’s all fluff but then he ends up having to travel for filming when the reader is in their third trimester but he manages to get to the reader when she’s giving birth & it’s magical and fluff & full of love & tears & just, ya know?

Pretty please do a daddy Sebastian fan fic. Just like you I live for that shit as well. Just warms my ice heart.

A/N: P.S this is the face Seb makes when the twist happens. You have to read it to find out. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy this adorable slice of parent Sebastian. Send me more prompts like this- and be specific! Thank you to @eileensalgado and @agentsofcap for their prompts! 

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Married To The Boss [Six] | Rap Monster

Originally posted by sugaswagdaddy

Tension occurs when Namjoon meets Jimin. Y/N’s living arrangements are suddenly changed after taking back the role of his wife.


“Are you sure you want to commit to this again?” Jimin asks while we wait for the elevator to get to the bottom floor of our apartment building.

“I already said I would from the start so I have to commit. Namjoon says that it’ll be different this time since he understands why I left in the first place.”

“You’re like a sister to me, Y/N. I don’t want to see you get another panic attack.”

The elevator dings and we walk out together, “Jimin, I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time.”

“Yeah, but that was sudden and it scared the crap out of Jungkook and I. It’s still possible to have another one when you get in distress.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Keep reading

my goal when i first wanted to publish poetry was to personalize each book. i wanted to draw in them, hand write notes, press flowers, add more to them. but i didn’t know how to do that with Become, and Soft Human was something separate from what i want to do with my work. that book was more a collection of reminders and confessions. i would not call any of it poetry. but now i am working on poetry. real poetry. and i am being patient with this process. i want to write more than i want to publish. i want it to be a small collection, too. i keep writing the same poems over and over and trying to rework them and i have never really done that before. it has been years since i’ve written poems that exceed a page. now they’re reaching 3, 4. they aren’t for anybody but myself. and they’re love poems. i’m trying to commit to love poems. but i want to order maybe 20 books at a time and personalize each one of them and just have those available. and when they sell, i will order 20 more and personalize those. i never really wanted my poetry to be mass produced and always the same. that’s why i like when other people draw and write in my books when they buy them. but i think i’m going to do it myself this time around. i think it’ll be a lot more intimate for people. i feel like i lost myself and lost sight of my little dreams the past couple years when it came to writing and putting my work out there. i can feel myself coming back to myself in this way. 

I keep finding pieces of you in me - pieces I held on to so tightly, that they sunk into my skin and became a part of my soul. And I still catch myself doing the smallest things just to remind myself that you were real. I can’t even look at the sky without thinking of your eyes, and at night the stars remind me of the way you used to make me feel. You’re here, but you’re not, and my heart is torn trying to hold on to everything we used to have. I didn’t want to let you go. I guess I never did.
—  I think I’ll miss you forever // inevitable

anonymous asked:

Have you ever considered that all those looks shared between Jonsa in S6 was purely accidental between Kit/Sophie and then overlooked by the director? I think about this all the time. I was never a Jonsa fan before S6, even if I thought R+L=J to be true, thus not making them siblings. Then S6 Jonsa just came out of nowhere and I thought this chemistry can't be coincidental or accidental. I've been playing devil's advocate so I won't get disappointed in the end and I'm wondering if you are too?

I was!! Because I thought for awhile too that there was no chance Jonsa could be canon, but the longer I stay in this fandom and the more metas I read, the more convinced I am that they will be. But with that said, I do try to remind myself that Jon3erys is a very real possibility too, and I used to ship them, so I tell myself to keep an open mind and not fall into a pit of despair if JOn3rys happens. Whether I listen to my own advice or not remains to be seen ;P 

Still though, back to your first question, I want to say no. I just don’t see how a multimillion dollar production could overlook something like that. Depending on the director, actors are generally quite limited in their control over a scene. Of course they have leeway in how they portray their characters, but the directors are often there to steer them towards their vision of the scene. Have you ever watched a movie/show with great actors and thought ‘wow why the hell is this so awful? I thought they were good actors!’? They probably are but the director was probably shit and told them to act out a scene in a very dumb way. Either that or the dialogue is shit (or in the most unfortunate of cases, it’s both). 

Game of Thrones, on the other hand, has D&D at the helm, as well as a plethora of other people who will have some control over the production of each episode. They will have scrutinised each and every scene. I don’t see how so many people could watch the Jonsa scenes and not have noticed the not-so-familial chemistry between the two characters. Admittedly, not everyone sees it, but there are enough of us that do to suggest that at least a percentage of those people in charge of GoT would have picked up on it too, especially if it’s their job to notice these things. Unless, of course, the scenes were portrayed exactly as they wanted it to be portrayed. 

Again, I could be wrong, and I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know shit, but that’s just my opinion, you know? I really just don’t logically believe it could have gone unnoticed on a production as big as Game of Thrones. Maybe in other shows or movies. 

Grey or Blue (2/8)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

College AU

A/N: This part is a little slow, still getting to know our reader and the other characters. I hope you guys enjoy it, I’m very excited for the next chapter. Just maybe excited enough to post it early, but we’ll see. 😉

Part one

I don’t get a text from Bucky so I assume he doesn’t remember what happened the night before. I decide it’s for the best, since starting a relationship on a drunk kiss isn’t exactly how I imagined it. Madison has been nagging me all day. First upset that I left her at the party, and then bugging me to tell her what happened when she noticed I was upset. I can’t tell her. She’s going to tell me that “when people are drunk they say what they want to say when they’re sober” and then I’m going to say “if he can’t say it when he’s sober then I don’t want to hear it” and then she’s going to tell me I’m being a prude and to be quite honest I just don’t want to hear it today.

Keep reading

Every time I see any clip or shot of cars 3 that has some kind of deep relation or parallel to the first one I just feel so lucky to be getting a sequel like this to the film that is literally my childhood. Like if my childhood self could see all this she’d probably lose her mind, fuck I’m losing my mind cos I’m pretty much still an 8 year old when it comes to these movies and I keep having to remind myself that cars 3 is in fact real and happening