i have to harm myself

a classic abusive action is threatening people that you’ll harm or kill yourself unless they do something you want (e.g. not leave you, give you attention etc.)

but like a literal thing with bpd is that i do feel genuinely suicidal without attention from certain people and i have harmed myself many times with the lack of attention ? like i know these are manipulative in nature so i think to myself “should i not tell anyone about feeling suicidal”

but then i remember 10% of people with bpd die from suicide ? so are you sure you want me to not say that im suicidal without attention ? is my death better than manipulation ?

a***NOTE: VENT *** (excuse my poor english)

I hate when I am having Social Anxiety and Depression. It’s feels like. Killing me inside. When I was alone, this feeling.. the feeling that you are drowning into the deep ocean and unable to escape from the wild wave. Making me unable to continue what I was doing, just sit and lean there and stare all over the surrounding. I never been checkup with a psychologist, but I could tell that I have these kind of disorders I’ve mentioned from above. How do I know that I’m suffering these disorder?

Well, tbh, i’ve been having Insomnia from what i’ve remembered when I was 12 I guess. Which mean, it has been 5 years straight. I easily lose my appetite, and my weight decrease to Severely underweight. I can’t even do any physical activities because I am easily get kidney pain from the left. Other than that, i can’t even concentrate in class and easy to forget every words of what teachers have said to me. And last but not least, I was acting harming myself (throughout school week), knocking my head to the wall, hitting myself , etc, etc.

Yes, I can feel how depression feels like when I’m studying in boarding school. I don’t have friends that i could trust, all I can see was they are being hypocrite towards me, Including my close friend in school, i know they were judging about my social interaction with others, for being shy, quiet, cannot start a simple conversation, bla bla. something like that. It’s unfair when they forced me to communicate with them, even I DID try,  they didn’t even respond what I was about to say. So, what I do is stay solitude.

I remembered when they being so nice to me, during lunch, they invited me to their table to eat together. Everyday. But, it’s different when who’s come to the table first, they invited me to their table because they came to the cafeteria earlier than me.  But when I was the one who came earlier, and sat the table that can fit 5 people in it, waving my hands, inviting them to sit where I was at. But what they did, they ignored me, and went to the other tables. And I’m here like, “oh, okay. Your welcome then” and eats alone. After that day, I started to avoid them calling me to eat lunch together. I don’t like it, because. backstabbers.

I thought holidays is my FREE times to feel freedom. Actually, I was wrong. I know have so many good friends on the internet, I know they are good pals. I know they are busy with schools/finals/works/assignment/etc. I understand about their inactive, i respect what they were doing. But sometimes, the more they are inactive, I kinda feeling left out. Alone in the silent group chat where we used to be together, makes jokes, sharing ideas, and all wonderful time we experience.

To those friends i’ve been close for so long ( i don’t want to mention their name) I just wanted to say, I am very sorry for not cheering around in our group chat when I was having school holidays. I should tell you earlier about my days to come, but I failed. My ego have taking me over, leave it the group with no ‘cheerful welcome back conversation’. Leaving you guys questioned to yourself, ‘is Golzy left our family group?’ . I really didn’t mean to leave the group. and I never wanted to leave the group because you are like a family to me since 2014. 3 years have passed you guys are all growing up, some of you guys are taking jobs, some of you went to college, schools, family, business, et cetera!

I’m feeling unmotivated day by day, although I have some new friends in a crazy group. It doesn’t makes me very happy. I feel myself i’m betraying my old friends and left them just like that , and I develop hallucination of your voices, to arouse my thought, making me FEAR of you guys.

I’m so sorry, The school have ruined me the way I communicate with people, and I’m feeling much worse lately. Even you can see me being happy, behind this virtual screen, i’m mostly a faker. I’m sorry.

Thank you for reading this.

-Golzy

Random af, but does anyone else remember the time when third PV was out and there were people speculating about Chris being Charioce’s twin? (ya know, the good twin/evil twin trope)

I mean, would you think about it now? Two Charioce in the show, h a lp

currently

my head: a mess
my feelings: shit
my ability to remember and maintain continued emotions about most topics events that have impacted me and that i should have more control over to prevent myself from harm: absent

DEGRASSI SPOILERS IF ANYONE CARES

Honestly when I was a kid, Degrassi was the first tv show that had episodes about Real Things that kids deal with like being gay or trans, self harm, depression, drugs, rape, etc

And while the new seasons have been sort of cheesy, the recent storyline with Yael being genderfluid is fucking amazing
If I had seen this when I was 14, I wouldn’t have been so scared to express myself that I harmed myself to the point that I was taken to the hospital
This storyline is so fucking important

I am having SO MANY FEELINGS

Life is like candyland, there are many paths to take. Sometimes you run into Lord Licorice, but the end will always be candy castle.“- Jack Barakat

"I’m not even on drugs, I’m just weird.”- Alex Gaskarth

“Everybody goes through some bullshit. It doesn’t matter how you measure it, it doesn’t matter how it weighs out to someone else’s bullshit. The fact of the matter is that you have to press on and you have to smile, and you have to figure out how you’re going to keep trying.”- Alex Gaskarth

“Jack and I are going to have sex. If anyone wants to join, hit us up. Uh, oh. I see some parents back there like "oh hell NAWWW” but you know what? Everyone has a little sexual side to them. Even your parents. After all….they did make you-“ Alex Gaskarth

"I have a confession to make: Jack Barakat is the love of my life”- Alex Gaskarth

“Therapy is about every kid’s nightmares when people are telling you that you need to get help, but all you you really want is a hug”- Alex Gaskarth

“Never underestimate a girl’s love for her favorite band. Never think, even for a minute, that she won’t defend them to her death. Because it’s not just the music that makes that band her favorite. It’s the guys, the gals, it’s the fans. People of whom she interacted with thanks to that band. That band might saved her life or maybe made her smile everyday. That girl’s favorite band, they’ve never broke her heart. They have yet to leave her. No wonder she finds such joy in her music”- Alex Gaskarth

“I want you to fucking pinky promise me you won’t do it. No fan of mine will kill themselves. Don’t do it for me, I love you.”- Alex Gaskarth

“Music is the soundtrack to every good and bad time we will ever have. It becomes our soundtrack-” Alex Gaskarth

“Be real, because a mask only fools people on the outside. Pretending to be someone you’re not takes a toll on the real you, and the real you is more important than anyone else.”- Alex Gaskarth

“I know deep inside that being older won’t make me any more mature. Because I will always be an immature little kid in on the inside.”- Jack Barakat

“Finding the perfect person won’t make you fall in love. When you see an imperfect person perfectly, that’s love.”- Alex Gaskarth

“I will never deny a fan hug while my heart is still beating.”- Alex Gaskarth.“Do not let any motherfucker tell you that you aren’t beautiful.”- Alex Gaskarth

“Guess what? You can do it.”- Austin Carlile

“I give a damn.”- Pete Wentz

“Breathe, remember, it’s just chemicals.”- Alex Gaskarth (about panic attacks)

“Beauty isn’t judged by the size of your jeans.”- Jack Barakat

“The closest friends are the ones you’d take a bullet for, but they’re the ones you constantly feel you could put a bullet through as well.”- Alex Gaskarth

“I hope you can find someone out there who can you help you the same way.”- Tony Perry

“Happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a journey.”- Austin Carlile

“I myself have dealt with self harm. I was young and alone and I got beat up on all the time. And I cut to ease the pain. I realized I wasn’t the only one I hurt when I cut. I found to wait it out, that it gets better. I wrote music instead of going to the blade. I found out that my little brother, Mike, looked up to me and I wanted to change for him.”-Vic Fuentes

“Just wait things out, things won’t be bad forever, I promise you.”- Vic Fuentes

“Keep your head up high, beautiful.”- Vic Fuentes

“You are beautiful.”- Tony Perry

“If you let go a little, you will have a little happiness. Let go a lot and you will have a lot. Let go completely and you will be free.”- Oli Sykes

“I love you.”- Vic Fuentes

“It’s going to be okay,”- Vic Fuentes

“I love you”- Jaime Preciado

“Life sucks sometimes. But it all happens for a reason and a higher purpose.”- Zack Merrick

“It’s more important to be yourself and to turn into the person you aspire to be than it is to let people change you.”- Alex Gaskarth

“Life’s too awesome to waste your time thinking about someone who doesn’t treat you right.”- Jack Barakat

“Keep being crazy; keep being loud. Be yourself because the only thing you have in life is yourself and your friends.”- Zack Merrick

“Music has become my driving force behind my life. It, to me, can fix bad moods, bad days, even bad people. It is the beat of my life.”- Rian Dawson

“Music’s become my life.”- Austin Carlile

“Keep listening to music. It gets you through everything, I promise.”- Mitch Lucker

“You have many options in life, never make giving up one of them.”- Austin Carlile

“Wrists are for bracelets, not for cutting.”- Kellin Quinn

“Ladies, if someone touches you and you don’t want them to, feel free to punch them in the fucking face.”- Billie Joe Armstrong on rape

“We believe in open mindedness.”- Chris Motionless

“Nothing’s sexier than smile.”- Morgan Joyce

“You don’t have to be 75 pounds to be beautiful.”- Chris Motionless

“It hurts because it matter.”- John Green

“Just keep moving forward and don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks. Do what you have to do, for you.”- Johnny Depp

“Follow your heart and chase your dreams until you catch them. Negative people who say you can’t do something are only speaking for themselves.”-Jake Pitts

“Don’t give up.”- Andy Biersack

“Be your own person because no one can take that away from you. No one’s ever going to be you.”- Austin Carlile

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”- Ashley Purdy

“Normal is a setting on a washing machine. Nobody wants to be that.”- Ashley Purdy

“You don’t have to smile to be happy.”- Zack Merrick

“I receive a lot of letters on tour and read about a lot of people hurting. Hang in, keep cool, and stay who you are. Things will improve.”- Alex Gaskarth

“You don’t always get the waterfall shortcut in Mario Kart. That’s life.”- Jack Barakat

“Tragedy has struck….we are out of peanut butter.”- Alex Gaskarth

“Never started our band in the hopes of saving lives, started it for gun. But the fact that it does…God bless.”- Jack Barakat

“We don’t offer you any solutions necessarily but we definitely offer you a minute to escape.”- Alex Gaskarth

"Be yourself=very punk.”- Patrick Stump

“Stay strong, believe in yourself, and be good to others.”- Alex Gaskarth

“Your uniqueness is your strength. Remember that. Don’t mold yourself to others or to what others think. You’re an individual. You’re special”- Austin Carlile

“You have many options in life. Never make giving up one of them.”- Austin Carlile

“Don’t do drugs, stay out of gangs, and wear condoms.”- Vic Fuentes

“Don’t ever let the media tell you what your body is supposed to look like. You’re beautiful the way you are. Stay beautiful. Keep it ugly.”- Gerard Way

“Just give things time and you will leave the ones who don’t deserve your friendship in the dust. Fuck ‘em.”- Vic Fuentes

“Be strong. We got you.”- Jaime Preciado

the crest of protection

i´m! happy with this design! (even at the risk of sounding stuck-up or stupid- please don´t copy or use this image for your OCs or tamersonas, roleplays or anything else)

(ramblings and descriptions under the cut)

Keep reading

Angel’s ‘anti-curse’ breakup healing spell

So, if you know me at all, you know that I am against cursing personally. What I mean is that anyone can curse if they would like, however I personally do not want to do it myself. I live by the motto, “do unto others what you want others to do unto you”. As you can imagine, I often find myself being angry and wanting to fling a few curses at someone every so often. It is hard to resist on occasion. But sometimes it’s just that the intention of the spell may be easily implied as a curse. Such like this one, where I wished myself to be cleansed of my anxiety over a ‘breakup’ so to speak. I didn’t think that it could be taken as a spell while I was doing an incantation, and I kept having to remind myself that I wish no harm unto the other party. So I thought after I finished that maybe others, like Wiccans who live by the Rede and cannot curse, could use this. I wrote it down after the fact, so I don’t have any images of materials, but I did post a picture of the amethyst I used. Anyway, straight out of my book of shadows, here it is!

Ingredients:

  • An amethyst piece
  • A burnable representation of the other party
    • I used and reccomend paper since it is easy to deal with. You will need the smoke during the spell and paper does issue a big amount of smoke. The paper I used was two sheets in my BoS that I used to write ingredients for a protection/love bottle that had his name on it.
  • Sage
  • A full moon. Not dire, but I think it will help, as this spell is supposed to induce change (moving on), and the full moon is perfect for that.
  • A new moon later
  • Plastic bag
  • hammer

Steps:

  • Ground yourself and meditate with the amethyst. Think about what the person did to you to make you in this much pain. Think about how you feel and how you would like to feel. Remind yourself you do not wish any harm upon the other party. Envision yourself completely devoid of this person in life.
  • Begin to burn the paper/object over a flame of sage and begin to chant:

“I wish for no pain to be in your life

I wish for me to be rid of my strife.

I wish to be free in my heart,

I wish to move on with a fresh start.

As this burns, so do my desires

My happiness reborn with this fire.”

  • Continue to chant this. Continuously remind yourself that you wish no harm and only want to be happy.
  •  Once the flames have consumed most of the object (I blew out the flames and let the whole thing singe over time so I could chant as much as I could), pass the amethyst through the smoke and chant:

“I do not wish ______ any harm from me,

as I will it, so mote it be.”

  • Allow the object to finish burning and place the amethyst on an altar, around some selenite, or just on a window sill where it will remain untouched.
  • Leave it, and every time you see it, remind yourself of what you wish to be like. At the next new moon (which represents endings) put the amethyst in a small plastic bag and put it on the ground. Hammer the amethyst until it is in pieces. This resembles the ending of the pain you wish to find.
  • You can either bury the amethyst in the earth, throw it in a moving body of water or keep it as a reminder. You can put it in a small bottle with some sage, sea salt and egg shell and cleanse it, using it as a symbol of protection against future heartbreak. This is what I plan on doing, and I will leave it on my altar.

I hope I was able to help you guys!! Honestly I feel better already. It kind of makes me feel better to visualize these things and get them out there. I’ll post a picture of the bottle at the next new moon; you better know it’s gonna look pretty.

~Angel

anonymous asked:

I bit ago I saw someone confess that they were bullied for being a ginger and MJ gave them confidence so she wanted the new MJ to be ginger and she was like ripped apart and called a racist. I want you opinion on this? Most people I have asked said she was bit racist and just likes a character how she grew up with.

while i never condone bullying, i do think there is an underlining of internalized racism there. what it boils down to is, everyone is a bit racist, homophobic, sexist, because we live in a shitty world that teaches us this stuff from birth, and we all need to constantly educate ourselves and grow.

so while i understand having a red headed, white MJ is important to that person, they also have to realize that they’re still privileged, because open up any comic book and you’ll see a red headed white girl. you will see a white girl on any movie, TV show you watch.

whereas it’s hard to find poc representation, so a poc MJ is a little more important in the long run.

and poc still are able to have red hair. so if your main priority is to make sure the girl with red hair is white, then yes you need to revaluate a little bit and notice that these thoughts are harmful.