i have the itis

“Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault?” game! Bold all the items that happened to you, if you’re not sure, italicize! Alternatively, just write down the score for every category. TW for explicit abuse mention.

Brainwashing; forced to take responsibility for abuser’s actions:

  • I was forced to apologize after being beaten/abused
  • I was beaten/abused while apologizing and in obvious pain
  • I was beaten/abused while crying
  • I was forced to thank them for beating/abusing me
  • I was forced to promise them I would change my behaviour in the future
  • I wasn’t allowed to cry or express pain after being beaten/abused
  • I was told the parent was the one with the right to cry/be upset after beating/abusing me
  • I was forced to comfort them after they beat/abused me
  • I was forced to take on pain/humiliation/guilt until I would agree that it was all my fault
  • I was forced to agree that I was forcing them to beat/abuse me, with my misbehaviour
  • I was forced to agree that I deserved the abuse
  • I was forced to make up to them after they would abuse me
  • I was forced to clean up the mess they made during abuse
  • I was forced into breaking down to tears if I tried to fight for myself
  • I was forced to hurt myself to prove my remorse for behaviour
  • I was forced to repeat that it was my fault
  • I was told the abuser didn’t enjoy doing it and was in fact forced to do it for my own good
  • I was called a monster/demon/sadistic/evil and accused of enjoying abuser’s pain
  • I was told abuse was done for my own good and that one day I will understand and be grateful for it
  • I was expected to have positive reactions to abuse and any negative reaction was blamed on me
  • I was punished for showing trauma symptoms and for showing in any way that I was abused, only acceptable way of behaviour was obedience and unconditional gratitude
  • I was told others were treated exactly like this, even if they weren’t showing it, and that the abuse was completely normal
  • I was told my reactions weren’t normal and made to focus on how I was reacting to the abuse, rather than damage and injustice done to me
  • I was told my reactions to abuse were the reason of the abuse, and that I was in the wrong for fighting/pushing back/provoking/not listening/not being obedient enough/angering the abuser
  • I was told the abuse was because “I wouldn’t have it the nice way”
  • I was forced to endure harsh punishments for even a small mistake or no mistake at all
  • I was told all I got was what I deserved, even if I couldn’t connect to how I deserved it, except that the abusers felt I did

Note: Doing any of these to a child after having them go through beating or intense episode of shock, pain and fear will leave them in a broken and vulnerable state of mind, and anything said to them or forced onto them while in that state will imprint deeply into their subconscious, and they will accept the message without being able to fight it. This is a method of brainwashing. Abuser will do this to crush child’s spirit and to destroy the child’s ability to hold abuser accountable or responsible for any abuse that occurs in the future, to transfer all the guilt and responsibility for their own actions onto the child, and depict themselves as too powerful for child to ever be able to stand against.

Dehumanization: implication you are below a human being and thus do not deserve humane treatment

  • I was called animal names/slurs/insults and degrading terms continually
  • I was told I should be beaten up and abused more often than I was
  • I was compared to beasts and monsters when the abusers were angry
  • Beating/abusing me was talked about as if it was a good thing they were proud of
  • I was publically beaten and/or humiliated
  • I was threatened with public humiliation
  • I had my physical injuries minimized and dismissed as unimportant
  • I had my psychological and emotional damage minimized and dismissed as unimportant
  • I had my illness minimized and dismissed as unimportant
  • I had my needs and desires minimized and dismissed as unimportant
  • I had my achievements and accomplishments minimized and dismissed as unimportant
  • I had my opinions and thoughts disregarded and ridiculed as stupid, unwanted and unimportant
  • I was blamed for struggling with mental or physical illness
  • I was called crazy, delusional and insane if I pointed out the unfair tratment
  • I was looked at with disgust and contempt most of the time
  • I was accused of wanting to be abused and asking for it
  • I was accused of “causing a scene” when the abuser would lash out at me
  • I was forced to “learn my place” if I assumed the same rights everyone else had
  • I was excluded from positive activities the rest of the family participated in
  • I was denied the rights, benefits, resources and attention the rest of the family got

Forced gratitude/implication of debt: idea that you “owe” your parents to endure their abuse

  • parent kept reminding me of what they’ve done for me, even the most basic parental tasks
  • parent often stated or implied I was ungrateful/not grateful enough for them
  • parent insisted they were sacrificing themselves for me, implying they expect the same in return
  • parent kept pointing out others lower living standards to remind me I was “lucky” in comparison
  • parent demanded I would have to “earn” basic respect and boundaries
  • parent would not allow me to complain, object or resist their treatment and if I tried, they would remind me I deserved even worse
  • parent insisted any abuse is perfectly acceptable and rational and that I am wrong and “taking advantage of them/denying their rights” if I resist or fight it
  • parent stated or implied that I’m supposed to return their effort to them with favours, obedience, endurance and compliance, or I was not worth raising and being kept alive at all
  • parent insisted that they have the right to do anything to me since they’re the only reason I’m alive at all (I was treated like their property) ((OH BOY THIS ONE))
  • parent made it clear it was forbidden to speak of past abuse or past events that show them in bad light, but they would keep bringing up events which paint them as good parent and keep them central to how they should be perceived by me
  • parent accused me of making things up/lying/being crazy or mentally ill/trying to manipulate or hurt them when I tried to talk about an event of abuse and point out they hurt me
  • parent kept me hyperaware of how much I owe them and how much I would risk losing if I dared to accuse them/confront them on being abusive
  • parent would remind me it could be much worse, and would use other people’s suffering to shut me up and make me feel guilty for even thinking I could talk about my own issues
  • parent kept me aware that accusing them of any abuse is hurtful and abusive towards them, and that I am cruel and ungrateful if I dare to make any statement like that
  • parent told me I was wrong/weird/stupid for getting traumatized by abuse because “others wouldn’t get traumatized by that much”
  • parent made me aware of all the issues they were dealing with, and treated my needs for attention and positive environment like an extra issue they do not want to deal with
  • parent kept me aware of how sick/mentally ill/troubled/desperate/tired they were and kept me feeling guilty over not doing enough for them, not being enough of a support and help, and having my own needs and wants was out of the question
  • parent made me aware they’re ready to abandon me if I prove to be “too much work” or “too inconvenient” or even just “not obedient enough”
  • parent made sure I know all their other issues and life problems were more important than me, and that it was not my place to complain, ask for anything, or object to how I’m treated
  • parent accused of “living in the past” and “failing to be a bigger person” if I didn’t show perfect adoration and acceptance for them
  • parents assured me i would turn into a spoiled, arrogant brat had they not abused me

Societal brainwashing; forcing the idea that no parents are abusive, and that all parental abuse has to be forgiven at any cost

  • parent/society taught me I was a bad/selfish/ungrateful person unless I forgive and forget all and any abuse
  • parent/society taught me I was an awful, ungrateful and selfish child if I didn’t demonstrate perfect love and gratitude for my parents
  • parent/society taught me it was my duty to understand and accept my parents, and that no matter what, they were doing their best and wished only the best things for me
  • parent/society taught me that I was responsible for teaching my parents how to be better people
  • parent/society taught me I should never judge or accuse my parents because “I couldn’t possibly understand how hard time they’re having”
  • parent/society taught me any animosity, hatred, anger or any negative thing I had to say about my parents proved me to be bad, ungrateful and unappreciative person
  • parent/society taught me that all parents only want the best for their children and there are no parents who hate or hurt their children on purpose
  • parent/society taught me that there was nothing that can be done about me getting hurt by my parents, and that it was up to my parents to decide what I deserve
  • my parents/society taught me that being bothered by abuse was my own fault and if I wasn’t weak and pathetic, it wouldn’t have affected me at all
  • my parents had other people affirm they were good people and thus I was wrong to accuse or judge them for anything they did to me
  • my parents had other people agree that I was not normal and there was something wrong with my judgment and perceptions, so my point of view shouldn’t be trusted or even taken into consideration
  • my parents had other people agree that I was a selfish, unappreciative, and hard to raise child
  • i had family members/cousins/friends/teachers/acquintaces/therapists side with my abusers and against me
  • I had family members/cousins/friends/teachers/therapists defend my abuser and take their side, assuring me I have to, once again, forget my point of view and consider abuser’s side
  • I had other people/society defend the abuser and assure me I’m wrong to accuse them
  • my parents insisted the abuse/parts of abuse/events i remembered didn’t even happen, and that there was something wrong with me for making up such a thing (gaslighting;guilt tripping, maybe i should write another category for this one)
  • my parents were a part of religion/cult that excused all and any of their actions because they were doing it for the sake of the third party that had to be worshiped/obeyed (maybe i should write a cult category as well there is much more to this one)

If you bolded even one of the items on the first two categories, or multiple ones in third and fourth, you have undergone psychological abuse that would force you to believe it was your fault, or that you deserved the abuse. This is wrong, as you neither deserved it, nor it was your fault. You were a child, and there was no way for you to commit any crime bad enough to deserve anything like this. These methods are used for brainwashing and breaking a person, and abusers do these on purpose.

so, as much as I love the more modern plague doctor aesthetic, like guys I’m all about it

I feel like I have the be the bearer of bad (or good depending on how you take it) news

Instead of cool, dark crow/raven aesthetic

Realistically, you would have probably gotten more of this fucking leatherface kiwi bird from hell which would have absolutely been even more terrifying to see on your death bed

you’re welcome

5

Drew the NDRv3 girls in style-ish/casual-ish/fashion-ish clothes idk
I saw others did this to previous DR girls and I wanted to try it

I used refs for the clothes because I have no sense of style o)-<

Okay, several points about this picture that I have seen a million times but am now just thinking about:

  • This is Halloween 2014, so Bitty’s sophomore year.
  • They got ready for the kegster in their rooms in the Haus
  • WHO HELPED JACK GET READY
  • SERIOUSLY
  • Did he color his nose and whiskers himself?
  • I DOUBT IT
  • I BET BITTY DID IT
  • I’m having so many feelings about this

Just imagine this:

  • Bitty enters Jack’s room. Jack looks at him.
  • “Haha, nice costume.”
  • “You coming to the Kegster?”
  • “I don’t know. Sure.”
  • “You can’t go like that! You need a costume!”
  • “Um.”
  • “I got it. Wait a sec.”
  • Bitty runs back to his room and rummages for a minute, then returns with a headband and the black eyeliner he’d used for his own costume. He sticks the headband on Jack’s head.
  • “Sit down.”
  • Jack sits and Bitty leans in, the tip of the eyeliner pencil coloring the end of Jack’s nose. Jack is looking at Bitty’s face - it’s much different with the red curly wig on, Bitty’s features much more feminine. It makes Jack feel weird things and he doesn’t know what those things are, but it doesn’t sit well.
  • Jack stares into Bitty’s eyes. Bitty is concentrating hard, then begins to trace the pencil over Jack’s cheeks.
  • “You better not be drawing dicks on my face.”
  • Bitty’s expression brightens as he lets out a genuine laugh, and Jack grins.
  • “There. All done.”
  • Jack looks at himself in the mirror; the headband has ears on it and Bitty has drawn whiskers and a cat nose.
  • “There you go. You’re a sexy cat.”
  • “A sexy cat? Why can’t I just be a cat?”
  • “Because it’s Halloween and you’re either a sexy cat or you’re nothing. Come on.”
  • Jack watches Bitty leave the room, his eyes fixating on Bitty’s calves and heels, then silently follows.
story time
  • so during this show
  • (cinderella)
  • (i was a stepsister)
  • we made a bet
  • it was a bet on me
  • but not some wishy washy bet for a sandwhich deal
  • this was real life
  • this was money
  • and the bet was that I could not touch every butt of every person in the show
  • (every butt)
  • i took the challenge immediately 
  • (i am not weak)
  • but I had to do it all in one show
  • and i had
  • 10 minutes
  • (10 minutes of time when i was not onstage)
  • so what is a girl to do
  • i can not touch every butt backstage
  • (every butt)
  • i had limited time
  • i had to get
  • creative
  • i get the techies first
  • it took me the whole ten minutes
  • (they run fast)
  • and I get the extras and some others in the dance sequence
  • (multitasking)
  • but here’s the thing
  • now I have to get the main actors
  • how will she do it?
  • you ask
  • well
  • i will tell you
  • i’ll tell you how i did it
  • it’s called acting
  • i touched the butts
  • onstage
  • (all of the butts)
  • i touch the prince’s servant’s butt on my way onstage
  • (a light tap)
  • (too fast for the naked eye to see)
  • oh but he felt it
  • he knew
  • he knew i was out for the butts
  • (every butt)
  • i saw the fear in his eyes
  • no
  • he mouths to me
  • but it is too late
  • i’ve gone too far
  • i must not stop
  • twenty minutes until the end
  • i must work fast
  • i touch my stepsister’s butt
  • she is not surprised
  • she has bet money on this
  • (she knows what i am capable of)
  • i touch my stepmother’s butt
  • she is standing
  • she forgets her line
  • (she has lost seven dollars)
  • and now things become
  • difficult
  • i am on the floor of the stage
  • (for the scene)
  • and the prince
  • (the next victim)
  • (he has bet against me)
  • he is standing above me
  • facing away from me
  • butt first
  • this is my chance
  • it is now or never
  • i put a hand on the back of his leg
  • he knows
  • he is speaking
  • his voice cracks
  • he smells defeat
  • his defeat
  • my hand ventures up
  • (towards the butt)
  • he begins to sing
  • i touch the butt
  • (every butt)
  • i have won
  • he stumbles over a word
  • he is the loser
  • the curtain closes
  • i have done it
  • all that is left is the wedding scene
  • i have touched all the butts
  • (every butt)
  • i can’t believe you got cinderella’s butt
  • one says backstage
  • my heart stops
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOy6hqzfsAs
  • i have not gotten the last butt
  • (the most precious butt)
  • i cannot do it
  • i think
  • i am in a quick change
  • (another girl’s hands are down my pants)
  • i cannot do this during the wedding scene
  • but i will not lose
  • i have come so far
  • i stop
  • your shoes
  • the techie says
  • i cannot come back
  • it must be done
  • i walk
  • no
  • i run
  • to the next room
  • cinderella is there
  • wearing a tan leotard
  • this is it
  • i think
  • i do not know this girl well
  • (she is catholic)
  • god forgive me for the sin i am to commit
  • i whisper
  • (i cross my chest)
  • the time has come
  • a crowd has circled around the room
  • they are watching
  • waiting
  • cinderella does not know
  • she has not yet truly been exposed to the world and its horrors
  • (she will be)
  • i stop
  • i am so close
  • i do it
  • both hands are on the butt
  • (the most precious butt)
  • i have done it
  • i’m sorry
  • i say
  • it had to be done
  • don’t stop
  • she says
  • what
  • i say
  • i did not expect this
  • a variable has been thrown into the equation
  • (the butt equation)
  • i like it
  • she says
  • she looks back at me
  • i look at her
  • (ten seconds until curtain)
  • she does not blink
  • (nine seconds)
  • i do not know what to do
  • (eight seconds)
  • my hands are still on the butt
  • (seven )
  • i want to move them but i cannot
  • (six)
  • i am not wearing shoes
  • (five)
  • the stage manager busts in
  • (saved by the manager)
  • the next five seconds are a blur
  • my hands are no longer on the butt
  • (i don’t know how)
  • i am on stage
  • i am not wearing shoes
  • the theatre teacher is in the audience
  • she knows
  • she sees
  • this is the end
  • i think
  • it was worth it
  • i bow
  • i am smiling
  • i have won
Jack also wrote a list for Bitty

It’s folded on his night stand, hidden under the lamp

Things I expect from this relationship

(nothing, honestly, but you asked, so there goes:)

  • I expect that you’re with me because you really want to be with me
  • I expect that you tell me if things get too much
  • I expect that you answer honestly when I ask how you are
  • I expect that you make your wants and needs clear and explicit because otherwise I stress about it - You know how I am

Things I do not expect from this relationship

  • I do not expect you put up with my moods
  • I do not expect you that put this relationship above other important things in your life, like school, hockey, friends, anything else.
  • I do not expect you to be okay with keeping this relationship a secret
  • I do not expect you to be okay with the pressure of dating me - (There is a hockey stick hand drawn next to this)
  • I do not expect you to come out to your parents or anyone else, really
  • I do not expect you to forgive me for having treated you badly that first year - I still am sorry about it
  • I do not expect that you force yourself get along with anyone that you might dislike, for my sake
  • I do not expect you to do anything you might dislike, for my sake
  • I do not expect you to feed me, or take care of me, or anything else- If you want to do it for your own enjoyment, go ahead.

Things I want you to remember

  • I love you
  • Talking to you calms me down
  • I always want to see you or talk to you, even during my black moods
  • I love you
  • I desire you
  • Your life and what happens in it are as important as what happens in mine, I want to hear about it
  • I love you
  • Never forget that we were friends first, and will work hard to remain friends no matter what happens
  • You are an important part of my life, hockey is not more important than you are
  • Je t’aime

It’s signed -Jack

Bitty reads it before going to bed, and falls asleep with a smile on his face.


Bitty’s list for Jack

2

Hey everyone, I’m opening up commissions again!

I know the prices are higher than last time. Well that’s cause there ain’t no rest for the wicked, money don’t grow on trees. I got bills to pay, mouths to feed, there ain’t nothing in the world for free!

Check out my commission page for slot availability and other commission-relevant information. The commission slot list is at the bottom of the page. Commissions I’ve drawn for other people can be seen here. You can contact me to reserve a commission slot either through a note on dA, an ask or fanmail on tumblr, or through my email listed on the commission info image (z1raid@yahoo.com). For actual commission details and such, please send that over to me in an email. I will regularly send you updates about the commission through email, too.

Prices and more commission info under cut

Keep reading

9 reasons why

                                                              1



Hi This is Tony Padilla.  

You can adjust whatever sound system or format you are listening this to. And by “you” I think I only mean one person.

Don’t worry Clay.

This isn’t like the first set.

I am not trying to be disrespectful.

I think Hannah gave me the courage to do a lot of things.

Mainly, she made me realise I wanna be honest. Honesty matters but so does the truth.

If she could pour her heart out

I wanna as well

these are the 9 reasons why to…well, you will hear it at the end of the tape. Don’t worry. I am not doing anything.

This won’t be like last time

Keep reading

22/100 days of productivity [taken from my studygram]

long time no post lol but this picture is from almost two months ago woops (you can tell from the bullet journal dates lol) but i like it so i’m posting it

i hope you all have a productive day today and you get enough sleep <3

anonymous asked:

idk why but i suddenly started thinking of that late late show Photo Booth and how harry's hand was holding liams arm :((( and now I'm sad :((( like they didn't have to do that...but they did :(

i know, dear anon, i know :(

i do have a whole folder dedicated to this painful topic

and now that you have brought it up i have a lot of feelings so let’s take a peek into it

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

your yoosung art gives me life but i just love all your coloring and agggh ur one of my inspirations omg sorry for being so awkward i just love ur art,, so have u ever thought about yoosung x zen? literally ys and anyone gives me life lol

more like haSn’t cheritz thought about it

I think they’re really cute! I have these saved on my phone haha does that answer your question (´∀`)♡   

you’re not awkward at all no worries! ♡ but honestly i agree, all yoosung ships are great. Yooseven just happens to be my favorite so I end up getting more easily inspired to draw them all the time.

“deflowered”

“deflowered”
is an antiquated term
sexist
misogynist
you name it
but beyond that
it is simply incorrect

“deflowered”
implies that I have lost
my “womanly qualities"
daintiness
fragility
but I did not have these things to lose
they never existed in me
and they are not womanly

“deflowered”
is not indicative of MY womanly qualities
strength
grace
and so much more in my own identity
womanhood is not flowery
it is work and it is beauty and it is wisdom

“deflowered”
does not do justice to my
power
autonomy
to my choice
or to my body
to my decision to have sex

he did not take my virginity
and I did not lose it
I simply shed it
by my own design

csk

2/27/17

I Am Not Afraid of the Dark

I have seen the dark and embraced it
I know the worst the dark has to offer
I am ready
I am armed
I am prepared

Walk, friend, through the dark
With head held high
Bow not to imagined fears
There is not lurking in the dark but cowards and thieves
Be ever vigilant to those all too real evils

I am not afraid of the dark
I have seen the dark an-AWWW FUCK, SHIT FUCK, SPIDER WEB! AHHHH! FUCK! IT’S ON MY FACE! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! FUCK, SHIT, DAMNIT, BALLS, SONOFAMONKEY’SFUCKiNGUNLCE!!! SHIT!

- a poem by Todd.