Slightly inspired by bad reputation.
Trigger warning: domestic abuse and drug use (almost not at all but I mentioned them to be sure)
“How’ve you been?” he asked. He knew damn well to avoid her eyes, he knew her answer, he knew it would break her all over again and him with her. But he asked anyway.
“Good” she sighed looking down at her lap. “I-”. That was all it took. Tears were forming in her eyes and he didn’t have to look at her to feel her pain. “I’m vegan now” she confessed. It was lame, void of any meaning to a 3rd party but considering her past it was more than enough. Not that this didn’t say a lot, it did but this phrase didn’t contain any words that would trigger upsetting memories.
“You did? That’s.. something” he replied chuckling awkwardly. “I mean it’s great” he extended his hand towards her in a reassuring motion. Most likely he hoped that she would take his hand but when she remained motionless, he dropped it, rested it on the empty space between them on the couch. Her attitude would’ve turned him off, pissed him off probably in another situation but he knew better than to judge her. “Please talk to me” he breathed out. He felt his soul slip out with the last word. The pain he felt was unbearable, and just thinking that she was ten times worse than him sent an urge through this veins to flip the table in front of them. But instead he just caressed her elbow lightly.
“No, really” he snapped her head towards him, looking him dead in the eye. Her eyes were liquid-like, not as cold as they used to be, but they didn’t hold in them the light they used to. “I’m ok, everything is ok, but I’m still not used to talking about” she blinked and waved her hands dismissively “everything”.
Her voice was breaking and so would’ve his heart, that if it wasn’t already in a million pieces.
“Look” he paused until she looked at him again. “If you feel like I’m not the one to talk to about this, I understand that and I’ll stop, but I need you promise me that you’ll not keep everything bottled up”. Everything he said felt like a lie to him. He couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t be able to open up to him, how he didn’t mean enough to her in order to be allowed to help her, when she meant everything to him.
A couple of stray tears ran down her cheeks, and he didn’t hesitate to wipe them away with his thumb, moving a little closer to her. But that did nothing, she was crying on the outside yes, but there was no way she would let him get to the source of her tears.
“If there’s anyone I could ever talk to, that’s you. But I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I’m stealing, cheating, deceiving you. Honestly, I don’t see why you’d give me this chance. I mean, I’m in the reason you felt like shit-” she breathed fast, avoiding his gaze until he interrupted her.
“Stop.” he waited a moment before he repeated himself. “Stop”.
She was pressed against his bare chest, her left pointer finger tracing indistinct shapes below his collarbone. His fingers were lost in her hair, untangling knots here and there. She could feel his breath on her forehead and that was a moment of pure bliss; couldn’t be compared to an orgasm, the high of a joint, the adrenaline rush of a rollercoaster. Nothing compares to knowing that the complex being you chose to love is all yours.
She cupped his shoulder with her hand and leaned on her back, pulling him on top of her. His head was nestled in the crook of her neck as she draped a hand around him and kissed the top of his head.
“I’m crushing you, babe” he chuckled, the air he exhaled tickling her skin.
“No, it’s perfect”
Her phone rang, but no muscle in her body responded to the sound. Couldn’t’ve been important enough.
“Your hair smells pretty”
He looked up, before moving to press a kiss to her lips.
“Ew, no Shawn, I have morning breath” she said squirming under his weight.
“And I love it” he said his lips searching for hers.
“Oh my g- stop”
“It’s true” he said positioning his weight in his elbows that were now rested on either side of her head. “Maybe not the morning breath alone” the sarcasm on this boy was so cheap it was actually funny. Judging by the smirk on his lips he knew that, but the smile faded as he continued “But I love everything about you. Always will. Don’t forget that.”
Her eyes cried the response back to him. She said ‘I love you’ without a sound.
He settled back into her chest, set on enjoying the last minutes in bed that morning.
Her life used to be painted in warm colours, but that slightly changed when her parents got divorced. People choose to part ways everyday and she was old and mature enough to understand that. What she couldn’t comprehend though, is how when someone gives themselves to you, how is it possible for you to lose trace of any love you had for them and disrespect them by craving someone else. If you’re in love with two people chose the second, because then the first one wasn’t love. Her dad cheating on her mother created the tear in her mind that allowed all sorts of ideas and misconceptions to flood in. The abuse he inflicted on her mother until this point resulted and sleepless nights and hours of crying.
The atmosphere at home sent her spiralling into depression, whose barriers could only be broken by her boyfriend. He was able to get to her until he couldn’t anymore.
The state she was in builded up like a snow ball and compromised her scholarship, her friendships, losing her interests, fucking up her eating and sleeping schedules. At least she had her sleeping pills. They helped. Again, until they didn’t.
(Y/N) and Shawn were at a friend’s house. It was a party which a fair number on people neither of them knew attended, that mostly consisted of drinking and stupid mindless games. She didn’t drink, he did though. But he wasn’t drunk. He was happy.
“Here try this” some guy (Y/N) has never seen before shoved a glass of what seemed like whiskey in her face.
“I’m ok, thanks though” she declined politely.
“Oh, oh, so it’s ok to pop pills like Mentos but noooo you’re too good for a drink, little miss innocent” he was clearly drunk and pissed for whatever reason but she was ready to turn her back and leave, but before she got a chance to move she heard Shawn’s voice behind her.
“What the hell’s your problem, man?” he asked the guy furiously, putting an arm around her waist, pulling her closer.
“Chill, just ask your girl if she can hook me up with some shit, everybody knows what she’s been up to.” He was way out of line, exaggerating like he was trying to start a fight and Shawn wasn’t having it.
She felt his grip on her waist loosen but it was too late, because the hand that only moments ago rested on her back connected with the guys jaw and sent him stumbling a few steps behind.
The fight picked up until someone finally stopped it. Although it resulted in some yelling on the way home this brought them closer. She felt a kind of safe she never knew before. Having someone stand up for her like that was like a breath of fresh air.
But he had to leave. Had places to be, a job to do and that distance stomped on their relationship like nothing else could.
Calls went unanswered, texts with no reply, all he knew about her were rumours at this point. He’s heard them all and believed none. However, he was concerned about their relationship, feared it was a thing of the past.
“Stop” his gaze was filled with anger now. Not directed at her, no, but at himself for letting her believe that she owed him something, that he didn’t understand her. Of course, what she’s done these past few months was a complete enigma to him, but he only saw her as lost. The kind of lost where you think you’ll find a way out by yourself because you have no idea how off you are. He could never see her as ill-intended or selfish. “Look, I love you so much, (Y/N)” he felt physical pain thinking of what he was going to say next “if you have someone else, I don’t care-” the words burned his tongue and he didn’t realise he was holding his breath until she stopped him.
“Shawn” she said softly trying with every fiber of her body not to burst into tears in the middle of the coffee shop they were sitted. “I don’t, I don’t have anyone-”
He didn’t let her finish. He pulled her to his chest and feeling her tears trough his shirt watered his eyes as well.
“else” she finished against him.
He cursed himself for doubting her for even a split second.
“Look, we’ll go home, put on a movie, which one you want, chips, pizza” he stopped. Words failed him like never before, now, when he needed them the most “I’ll bring you back, (Y/N)” he breathed softly into her ear.
She got up from his hold and wiped the last tear that was now on her chin. Her eyes were a shade lighter and he took that as a sign of success.
“I don’t deserve you” she said while walking down the street, next to him.
“No, I get what you mean, I feel the same, but still” he ran a hand through his curls and looked down at her. “Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to feel”.