A lot has changed this year.
My room had yellow and blue fairy lights up, and I’d sit there in the dark with only their twinkling lights, thinking of all the amazing things 2016 was going to bring.
I still sit in the dark. But there are no fairy lights this time. It’s pitch black, and I don’t have to worry about hiding my tears.
The walls of my room were adorned with posters all over, and I often thought about the day I would have to take them down. I figured it would a be sad day, I would probably be leaving home, and god, I would miss home, but isn’t that what growing up is about?
The walls of my room don’t have those posters anymore, but I never took them down. They just came off and fell, and I just never could get myself to put them up again. Home doesn’t feel like it anymore, and what I wouldn’t do to just leave it all behind and run away.
I had people I could count on, so many. I was surrounded by friends, and we’d laugh for no reason all the time. My phone was always blowing up with group chats for about 10 get-togethers, and we all made promises to never lose touch.
I countdown to the days I can get out of the confines of my room. Our group chats haven’t had a message in them for over 6 months, which is okay, because funnily enough, I wouldn’t know what to say if they did.
My parents pampered me and held me just a tad bit closer. Like mine, their eyes were full of hopes and dreams for me. They told me it was okay to fail once in a while, and that they would always be there to pick me up.
I think they are a little sick of me failing now, though. They aren’t there to pick me up anymore. I could swear the words are at the tip of their tongue, they aren’t sure if they can handle my incompetence any longer.
At the start of the year, the sight of food didn’t send a surge of guilt through me. My fears didn’t include the weighing scale. I used to look at the mirror and almost feel good about myself. I didn’t run away from the sight of a camera, but alas, things have changed.
The pinboard above my study table had pictures pinned of all my friends and family. It had tickets from concerts I had attended, passes for stand-up of my favourite comedians that I had the fortune to witness, funny quotes and just all things happy. I’d look up, and think of what a good life I had, and just how lucky I am to be surrounded by so much love and warmth. The same board is now empty, just a bunch of old documents that don’t matter anymore pinned up, with a little sheet of dust that I only now noticed.
So, 2017. I really hope I have better luck with you.
All the love x
— The glorious year of 2016 // Growing up is a fucking scam.