i have no words or feelings or lungs

Every Second of Everyday (Dan Howell x Reader)

Originally posted by shinyphan

Hey guys! I’m finally on break and finals are over! (thank lord jesus) so now I will be posting a lot more than I have been so I hope you enjoy and happy holidays!

xxx Megan


Dan’s POV

 I miss her every second of everyday. I can’t help but wonder what she is doing and most nights I end up punching a pillow or screaming at the top of my lungs thinking about how I treated her. Thinking about how she left one night in tears. Thinking about the disgusting words that left my mouth that I would constantly throw her way. Guilt couldn’t even begin to describe the feeling that was devouring me when I thought about the fear in her eyes every time we were argue. 

 Y/N had left 2 years ago. I could never blame her though. I treated her with such disgrace and constantly regret everything I did to her. At first we were fine, an average happy couple, but then my career exploded and stress was running my life. And unfortunately I would take out all my stress and anger on her. Every night we bickered about something for a good 3 months. Then the bickering formed into top of the lungs screaming at each other until one of us ended in tear or had lost the will to fight anymore. The worst part is she was the one who stopped almost every single time. She was the one trying to desperately fix us and put us back together. And me being the dick I was just decided to ignore her and push her even farther. The night I came home and saw our bedroom only filled with my stuff didn’t surprise me at all. Hell I wasn’t even upset. That was until about a month later where I found the letter in her old underwear drawer.


 I bet you will either throw this in the bin, set it on fire or not even bother to read it but yet here I am writing it anyway. I’m tired. Dan I’m so tired of you complaining about shit and not even realize that the most important thing was broken. Dan Howell I love you so much and I feel like I always will but you are not willing to fight for the most valuable thing in my life. Us. If you’re not going to try to fight then I guess I should just give up too. I know it’s a shitty thing to just pack up and leave but I was already bawling writing this and I have to leave. If I talk to you in person you will make me stay and I can’t keep doing this. We’re broken. I’m broken. I’m done and so is our relationship. I can’t say I wouldn’t miss you holding me or kissing me or even looking at me cause we both know I’d be lying but I am doing this for you. You’re obviously caught up in work right now and I know how much stress and frustration you have bottled up and I know I’m just an obstacle in the way. I love you so much baby and I hope you have a good life without me getting in the way.

xxx Y/n

 I punched a hole in my wall that day. Anger filled my veins at the thought of her crying over an asshole like me, making her think she was justing getting in the way of my life. I loved her with everything I had and still do and yet I left her feeling broken and worthless. I miss her every second of every day. 

 I was currently laying in my bed, alone, staring at a picture of a beautiful couple. It was a tall, dark haired boy smiling down at a perfect girl with y/h/c. He gazed at her lovingly as her eyes were squeezed shut with a wide opened mouth on her face laughing at a dorky joke the boy had tolded her moments before. This was my favorite picture of us. We both looked so innocent and in love. So happy. My thoughts were interrupted as there was knock on my bedroom door.

 “Dan?” I heard Phil questioned on the other side of the door.

 “Yes?” I spoke weakly as I heard the door creak slightly. I heard a sigh escape his lips ashe walked over to me removing the photo from my hands.

 “Still thinking about y/n?” He spoke quietly as I nodded slightly. He frowned slightly looking at the picture shaking his head slightly. Y/n and Phil were so close when we were dating. Besides me she would tell Phil everything but since the letter neither of us had seen her. 2 years she had walked out of our lives and yet both of us remember it like it was just yesterday. Phil shook his head setting the frame down as he gave me a small smile. “Wanna go to the store with me? Get your head off things?” Nothing could make me stop thinking about her. 

 “Sure Phil.” I smiled slightly as I sat up from the bed.

Your POV

 I strolled down aisle 3 searching for eggs. pushing my cart slowly.  My eyes scanned as I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I grabbed it quickly answering the phone call, not glancing at the caller ID already knowing who was calling. 

 “Hi honey.” I spoke still looking for the eggs.

 “WHERE ARE YOU?” His phone boomed through the phone causing me to wince slightly

 “A-at the store. We ran out of eggs and the recipe calls for 2…”

 “You knew all my colleagues were coming over at 7 and I told you to have dinner ready by then!” Ryan’s voice was demanding and loud as I reached down finally finding a carton of eggs.

 “All of it’s done except for the cake you specifically asked for!” I spoke harshly into the phone setting the cartons in the cart.

 “Don’t you dare use that tone with me young lady.” He hushed into the phone causing me to roll my eyes.

 “Okay Dad I’m gonna go now see you at home.” I hung up before he could say anything else. Ryan was my fiance, a well paid, intelligent doctor who thinks he is better than anyone who is younger or earns less money than him. Me being 2 years younger and a mediocre photographer makes him feel twice as powerful towards me. We had been dating for a year and a half and to say we weren’t in love with each other is an understatement. The only reason we were getting married was because his parents loved me and told him to “claim me”. Being the suck up he is of course he proposed. And me being the most awkward person just happened to say yes. I was so busy trying to place my phone back in my pocket I didn’t realize I was walking I ran face first into someone’s chest.

 “Sorry about that love.” A thick british accent spoke causing my breath to hitch. I’d know that voice anywhere. 

 I lifted my head up slightly to look at the stranger’s face as I met a pair of two familiar brown eyes.


Dan’s POV

 “D-Dan?” Her voice squeaked out causing me to freeze. It was her. Here. RIght in front of me.

 “Y-n?” She gave me a polite smile as she looked down at her feet, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, biting her lip, like she always did when she was nervous. I just wanted to pull her lip from her teeth and kiss her. But I’ll I could do was shuffle awkwardly and place my hands in my pockets.

 “H-how you been?” She asked quietly as her beautiful y/e/c eyes met mine once again.

 “I’ve been better…” I gulped as I saw a streak of guilt fill her eyes. “How about you? How are your photos doing?” She smiled slightly as she nodded slightly.

 “I finally got a job. Somebody saw one of the pictures and fell in love with it so they asked me to join their company.” I grinned at her happily. She had always been struggling trying to get her dream job but I had always told her she could do it. That was until all we did was fight…

 “See! I told you you could do it!” I spoke happily causing her to giggle. Oh how I had missed that sound. “What picture was it?” I saw her face freeze before she whispered 

 “The one of you and I…” I opened my mouth to speak when I heard another voice chime in.

 “Dan I found the… y/n?!” I heard y/n squeal as I saw her jump into Phil’s arms


 I felt a pain in my heart as I watched them hug before she pulled away. Phil looked at her gleaming as he suddenly noticed something that I hadn’t.

 “Are you engaged…?” My eyes immediately darted to her left ring finger where a sparkling diamond ring sat. No. I thought to myself. She can’t be. That should be MY engagment for her. I felt my heart physically break as nausea took over my stomach as I saw her nod slowly. She looked down at her finger before looking up to meet Phil’s gaze again. I felt my eyes become glossy as I looked down at my shoes rapidly blinking trying to keep from crying. Phil seemed to notice my pain as he quickly spoke up. 

 “Congratulations! Well Dan and I should be headed out. We have a bunch of editing to do tonight and we have to watch some new anime episodes as such.” I looked up to see y/n gazing at me sadly as she nodded understandingly. She pulled Phil into another tight hug before turning to me and opening her arms slightly. I wrapped my arms around her petite figure as she hugged me tightly. Her vanilla perfume filled my nostrils as she squeezed me tightly. She pulled away slightly before waving a small wave smiling a little. 

 “Bye guys.” Her sweet voice filled my ears one last time before I saw her turn and continue walking the opposite way. I felt a small tear fall from my eye as Phil placed a hand on my shoulder squeezing in reassurance. 

 “I’m sorry Dan….” He spoke softly causing me to shake my head and wipe my tears.

 “Don’t be…” I spoke, “I’m the one who left her go…”

Your POV

 The radio quietly played in the background as I drove to Ryan and I’s apartment. My mind screaming Dan’s name over and over again. I had never gotten over him and the disappointment in his eyes when finding out I was engaged broke my heart. As I pulled into the parking lot of the apartments I felt my mind become cloudy when I tried to think about why I was with Ryan and not Dan. Dan and I had so much in common while Ryan and I were polar opposites. Ryan didn’t have the sense of humor like Dan did. Ryan didn’t care for me like Dan did. And even though all Dan and I did was fight and bicker, at the end of the day, I didn’t love Ryan the way I loved Dan. I carried the bags of ingredients up to the apartment where I opened the door to reveal multiple doctors and nurses filling up the living room. Sophisticated conversations were being spoken as laughter filled the room. I dropped the bags on the table causing a few to glance over at me and Ryan to notice my arrival.

 “Took you long another! Everyone I would like to introduce you to my friend y/n!” I stared at him blankly

 “Fiance.” I spoke angrily only causing Ryan to roll his eyes and nod softly before grunting out 

 “Yes… my future wife.” I scoffed before turning back to unload the bags when something caught my eye. The walls were empty. Nothing was hung or displayed on any wall of the house,

 “Ryan!” I spoke loudly over the voices making everyone go silent and turn their attention towards me once again.  

 “What?!” He spoke harshly, obviously annoyed by me interrupting his company for a second time.

 “Where did my pictures go?”

 “What pictures?”  


 A snotty brunette then piped up.

 “Job? Ryan I thought you said she was a lawyer not a picture taker.”

 “Photographer.” I gritted my teeth trying to calm my anger before turning my attention back to Ryan. “First you don’t want to announce me as your fiance and now you’re embarrassed by my job?!” I shrieked angrily as Ryan just chuckled. 

 “Y/n, I have a very important job and so do all these people. I didn’t feel telling them about your hobbies.” I felt my blood boil as he spoke.

 “Well you know what. I’m sorry I didn’t graduate from a fancy college with a perfect GPA. I’m sorry I don’t make as much money as all of your “perfect” friends but I’m not fucking sorry for who I am or what I enjoy doing. I like my “unimportant” job thank you and I know lots of people who support me.”

 “Oh yeah like who?” 

 “Like Dan…” 

 “Seriously y/n?! You’re bringing up that loser again! He doesn’t do anything either. Worthless piece of….”

 “Don’t you dare finish that sentence Ryan…” I spoke in a low, demanding voice. “Plus I know one thing Dan has that you will never EVER get.”

 “Oh yeah what’s that?”

 I looked down at my ring before sliding it off my finger and slamming it on the table “My heart.”

 “Y/n you’re gonna regret this…” I shook my head staring at him dead in the eye

 “Actually this is the best decision I’ve ever made. Have fun at your fucking party Ryan.” I pushed through the crowd grabbing my keys and open the door as I hear Ryan call from behind me.

 “You walked out that door y/n you can never come back. Do you hear me?! You can just send someone to get all your shit.” I stopped dead in my tracks before calling back.

 “Gigi will be here tomorrow to pick it up.” As I walked out slamming the door. I quickly rushed down the stairs as I reached my car hopping in and rushing down the street driving to the first place that popped into my head…

Dan’s POV

 “Phil make some popcorn!” I shouted from the living room as I searched through the TV for the episode we were gonna watch when I was interrupted by a knock at the door. Who would be delivering something at this hour I thought as I slowly stood up and walked down the stairs. I reached the door unlocking it slowly to be met with a petite girl. Tears filled her y/e/c eyes as her y/h/c hair was tangled slightly. I opened my mouth slightly as I stared at her standing at my door. I never thought I would something as beautiful as this moment. Even with her ratty hair and her makeup slightly smudged under her eyes she still managed to be the most breathtaking thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. I felt a smirk creep on my lips before I let out one of my remarks trying to lighten the mood.

 “Long time no see.” She giggled under her breath before I heard her mumble.

 “God I’ve missed you.” Before I could respond I felt her grab my shirt and tug me toward her. I felt her moist lips connected with my slightly chapped lips as the taste of her cherry chapstick invade my mouth. My hands found her waist as I tugged her inside with my closing the door by pushing her back against it. I tugged on her bottom lip as I pulled away smiling. She giggled resting her forehead on mine as I whispered.

 “I thought you were engaged?”

 “I was.” I grinned before reconnecting our lips

 I missed her every second of everyday. That was until she was mine again. I ended up marrying that girl. To ensure, that I wouldn’t have to miss her anymore.

1. To exhale all of the choking, sickening fumes that have gathered in the vacuoles of my lungs as I’ve watched others live loves

2.To put my hands where my mind is and to keep my mind where my hands are 

3. To close my eyes when I feel sunlight kiss my cheeks and to smile at the way it’s lips dance and to fold the memories of these moments into the lining of my heart until it glows

4. To trust the winds that guide me and not to always go where I am urged

5. To no longer fear burning too hot, or running out of light and love and wonder to pour into the world, to no longer fear having none left for my own heart

6. To love stars without counting them and to love myself  the same way

7. To exhale love with every breath of life I take

8. To push and pull on my own bones until they stretch and grow and reach out long enough to grab each idea floating past me

9. To grow my soul past what I can imagine tonight

—  A.O.A.M. || A Cliche Poem Made of Hope and Light and Borderline Realistic Fantasy / Desperate Dreams For This Beginning/ Happy 2017, Loves
I want to cry and scream until my lungs hurt or I run out of tears. I want to throw things until they break and punch walls until I can no longer feel my hands. I want to kick down my door or throw myself onto the floor until my body stops shaking. I have so many pent up emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal. I want to hurt everything because everything is hurting me.
—  but all i’m going to do is pretend that everything is fine ( 11:15 )

It was you: the turning point. Meeting you was the pivotal moment. Every second since I met you has been so simple and effortless.

You make me want to climb roofs and scream my lungs out in joy. You make me want to act wildly, take risks, and pursue my dreams. You make me feel less like a mess. Around you, I start living.

And if what we have will never be love, all you need to know is that when my mind wanders off, it is always with you.

—  LA // excerpt from a book I’ll never write
We have this idea that love should hurt. That if it’s real, you’ll feel it ripping you apart at the seams, tearing your heart from your ribs, and pressing its palm on either side of you lungs. Leaving you breathless. And for a long time, I believed this. I let boys with big mouths and no ears hold me in their arms until I forgot how to breath on my own. Until I forgot who I was because it didn’t matter who I was. It mattered who he wanted. And it hurt. Losing myself. God, it hurt. But for a long time, I though that was love. And then I met you.
—  a letter to the boy who taught me the truth
It get like this once or twice every month, there’s a feeling inside of my heart that even words can’t express. I feel a little dead with a bit of water in my lungs. I know how the burnt rubber on concrete feels, this isn’t okay– but I must make the best of it. I still have a flame burning inside of this chest, I guess love doesn’t really die and lovers don’t forget. I know our silence is unbearable and maybe you’ve forgotten about our conversations, but I don’t think that I can. I’m not a happy person, but damn it, I’m trying to be. I’m just another person that ends a story with I’m sorry.
Sweet Mary Jane
Ed Sheeran
Sweet Mary Jane

Unreleased song that surfaced in a 2015 concert…could this be on the new album??


I woke up early looking out my window
At the Amsterdam sky
Oh baby I was high last night
Café clouds and red lights
When I gotcha in mind
You slowed down time
Oh baby I was out of my mind
Sing a song cover and hold me tight

I drill you deep into my chest
That’s where it feels the best
You can remove all the scars
Stop them from breaking my heart
Been on a hurting spree
That brought out the worst in me
‘Cause I don’t want to be alone

‘Cause everyday that I’m breathing I think you are the one
I love the way that your sweet words just roll off of my tongue
Feel the flame of your wisdom and fill up my lungs
Sweet Mary Jane won’t you sing another song

Café clouds and shooting stars are floating across the sky
Oh baby what a beautiful sight
But we’re only satellites
Oh di ba di ba oh la lights
Oh baby I am so damn high
Have you seen my eyes

With the beat beat of my heart
You take me back to the start
Where everything began
Holding you inside my hands
Between my fingers and thumb
I seal you in with my tongue,
‘Cause I don’t want to be alone

‘Cause everyday that I’m breathing I think you are the one
I love the way that your sweet words just roll off of my tongue
Feel the flame of your wisdom and fill up my lungs
Sweet Mary Jane won’t you me sing another song

Na na na na na Sweet Mary Jane
Na na na na na Sweet Mary Jane
Na na na na na Sweet Mary Jane
Na na na na na Sing another song

Mary Jane,
I’ve been hoping alone
Mary Jane,
Since you came along
Mary Jane,
I’m almost home
Mary Jane,
Sing another song

‘Cause everyday that I’m breathing I think you are the one
I love the way that your sweet words just roll off of my tongue
Feel the flame of your wisdom and fill up my lungs
Sweet Mary Jane won’t you me sing another song

‘Cause everyday that I’m breathing, sweet Mary Jane
I love the sound of your sweet words, sweet Mary Jane
Feel the flame of your wisdom and fill up my lungs
Sweet Mary Jane won’t you sing me another song

What is an “instant” death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.
—  John Green, Looking for Alaska
Just a Cold

Daveed x Reader
Word Count: 1725
Summary: Daveed takes care of you, who’s sick.

“Y/N,” Andy sighed, “We’ll be fine without you for a day; you haven’t stopped coughing since you arrived. I’m surprised you still have both lungs,” he joked, a smirk plastered onto his face.

You sighed; you couldn’t deny that. “But I can still dance fine,” you said through a sniffle, your voice more raspy than ever before, “And I feel fine, too!”

He raised his eyebrows, “Y/N,” he said, growing tired of your stubbornness quickly, “Go home. Get some rest. Come back tomorrow.”

You nodded you head, “Got it,” you grinned pitifully.

“I can’t believe you even came in,” Andy chuckled, walking you to the dressing rooms, “You’re kind of on the brink of death,” he joked playfully; you wanted to retort, but before you have the chance, Andy continued. “Here,” he said, handing you your clothes, “Go change, I’ll get you a cab.”

You nodded your head, begrudgingly, “Okay,” you sighed, grabbing the clothes and quickly changing into them, hanging your costume up in its spot.

Leaving the dressing room, you found yourself in another coughing fit; maybe Andy was right. How embarrassing would it be to be coughing all throughout one of the scenes? This was for the best; you hadn’t missed a day of work throughout the past few months, for a few reasons. One, you weren’t exactly well-off, and could use any extra bit of work that you could get. Two, you were hoping that after you were done on Hamilton, Lin would be willing to be one of your references on your resume. If you showed up and gave it 100% everyday, maybe that could happen. Three, it just so happens that your ‘work’ meant dancing with your friends everyday.

Caught up in your own thoughts, you bumped into a wall; your feet slipped out from underneath you, causing you to land straight on your ass, a squeal escaping from you.

“Woah,” the wall said, turning around; “Y/N?” Daveed asked, quirking an eyebrow, “How unlike you,” he chuckled as he offered you his hand, “You’re usually so graceful.”

You grinned, bashfully, your cheeks burning with embarrassment; “Little bit off my game,” you muttered, digging your teeth into your bottom lip, praying that you weren’t coming off as embarrassed as you actually were. You took his hand and he pulled you up, swiftly.

“Where you headed?” He asked, “You’re not in costume…” He observed, eyeing your outfit.

“Oh,” you said, grinning, looking down at your outfit, as if it wasn’t until he mentioned it, that you realized you weren’t in costume. He, however, was full-Lafayette. “I was just heading home; I’m not feeling too great… Andy’s orders,” you shrugged, sniffling.

Daveed stuck out his bottom lip, in an exaggerated pout; “Who’s going to dance with my during Winter’s Ball,” he asked in forged petulance.

You chuckled, “Stephanie,” you answered with a grin, “I’m sure you’ll be fine, Daveed,” you laughed, shaking your head. “I should go; Andy’s getting me a taxi.”

He nodded his head in understanding, “Alright,” he sighed, “Text me when you get home-try not to run into anybody, okay?” He chuckled as you began to walk away.

You rolled your eyes, “Doing my best, Daveed,” you called back, not bothering to turn around.

Hours later, you were all tucked up in bed, your phone out and a pile of tissues all around you; you had been texting both Pippa and Daveed since you left the theatre. Out of the whole cast they’re the two you grew the closest to, and the fact that they were so worried about your well being was making you really happy, despite your cold.

‘You’re sure you’re fine?’ Daveed texted you, ‘Do you need anything? The show’s over soon, I can bring you food if you’re hungry,’ he said, shooting you message after message.

‘I’m fine,’ you replied, ‘I ate a bagel for lunch.’

‘Lunch was HOURS ago, Y/N,’ was his reply.

‘I’m fine, Daveed,’ you sent, rolling your eyes; and you were fine. You hadn’t stopped drinking water all day, hoping it would help you flush out whatever it is that you had; even if you weren’t eating much, you didn’t really notice until he brought it up. Did you have an extra bagel from earlier?

‘I’m coming over,’ he said, ‘The show’s over in 20, I’ll be there in half an hour. Don’t move!’

You sighed, but didn’t really have it in you do argue with him; perhaps he would bring Pippa with him…

He didn’t. What he did bring, though, was four slices of pizza from your favourite place, and two bottles of water.

“You have to eat,” was the first thing that he said to you, handing you two of the pieces, “I got your favourite kind; also, have you been drinking enough water?” He asked, opening your bottle before handing it to you.

You nodded you head, “Yeah, I have,” you sniffled, taking a sip, “Daveed, I told you; I’m fine!”

He sighed, taking a bite of his own slice, “You don’t look fine,” he stated, raising his eyebrows, “You don’t sound it, either.”

You rolled your eyes in response; “Well, I WILL be fine,” you muttered, “It’s just a cold. I just to rest a little bit,” you shrugged, taking another drink.

Daveed nodded his head in agreement, “Yes, just rest,” he said, “Which you were probably doing before I got here, huh?” He asked as an afterthought, quirking his head, reminding you of a puppy.

You couldn’t help but grin as you nodded your head, “Yeah,” you admitted, laughing, “That’s alright though, I don’t mind. I was getting kind of bored.”

Daveed widened his eyes, only a tiny bit, making you wonder how a person could be so incredibly hot and adorable simultaneously, “You sure?” He asked though a mouth full of pizza.

You nodded your head, taking a bite of your pizza, hopefully before Daveed noticed your stares. “Positive,” you replied, “How’d the show go?” You asked, cocking your head to the side.

He shrugged his shoulders, “It was fine; missed you, though,” he teased, making you roll your eyes once again. “I can’t remember the last time you took a proper day off,” he said thoughtfully, “Has it ever happened before?”

You sighed, “Don’t be dramatic,” you said, “Of course I take days off-my birthday…” You began, but realized quickly that you didn’t have anymore occasions to add to your list. “… Today…” You added, weakly, taking another drink of your water.

“Oh yeah,” Daveed chuckled, “How could I be so idiotic; two days out of the year? That’s TOTALLY normal, Y/N,” he teased, raising his eyebrows as he took a drink of his water.

You shook you head, “Okay,” you sighed, “I get it, you can stop, now.”

Daveed smirked, “And I heard Andy had to FORCE you to leave, as well,” he continued, regardless of your wishes, “Is that right?”

You pursed your lips, not about to give him the satisfaction of being right; instead, you grabbed on of your pillows and threw it at him, “Stop it,” you demanded.

You had barely missed his plate of pizza, earning yourself a glare; you smirked.

“You’re lucky you’re sick,” he growled, crawling up the bed before flopping down beside you, “I’d be tickling you so hard right now if you weren’t.”

You laughed, “You would never,” you stated confidently.

“Yeah I would,” Daveed said stubbornly; “Only when you’re not sick, though; it’d be too cruel otherwise.”

You chuckled, taking another bite, “What a gentleman,” you teased, grinning up at him.

He nodded his head in agreement, “I’m a real sweetheart,” he said, oddly seriously.

You furrowed your brows; “That’s usually the type of thing you let other people say about you,” you said, gently, taking a sip of your water.

David shrugged, “You called me a gentleman, and I was just agreeing with you,” he said quickly, defending himself.

“I was being sarcastic!” You laughed, shaking your head.

“Well, now I’m just offended,” Daveed said, forging animosity.

You grinned and shook your head; leaning your head on his shoulder, you closed your eyes, “It’s good for your ego to get a little hit every now and again,” you said softly, “Otherwise, it just keeps growing and growing, and it never stops.”

Daveed sighed, wrapping his arm around your shoulders, “You think I have a big ego?” He asked, leaning his head down, so it was resting on yours.

You pretended to think it over for a minute, before shaking your head, gently, “No, I was just teasing you,” you admitted with a yawn.

“You’re tired,” Daveed stated, “You should take a nap,” he said, his voice soft, looking down at you; you looked up at him, but upon realizing how close your mouths were to one another, you quickly looked back down.

“I am a little bit sleepy,” you agreed, “Maybe I will have a nap.”

Daveed nodded his head in approval, “I should go then,” he said, but made no move to leave; instead he continued to let you lean on him, and looked down to you. “We should… We should go out sometime-when you’re feeling better, I mean,” Daveed suggested, looking at you hopefully.

You nodded you head, softly, hopefully managing your excitement well; “Yeah,” you agreed smiling, “I would love that.”

“Okay,” Daveed grinned, “I’ll text you… And hey, don’t come to the theatre tomorrow if you’re still not well, you have to start taking care of yourself-and that means eating all of your meals, alright?” He asked, gently climbing off of the bed, pulling the covers over your body. He looked down at you, expectantly, waiting for an answer.

You rolled your eyes but nodded your headed, “You don’t have to worry about me,” you sighed, letting out an airy laugh, “I’ll be fine.”

Daveed smirked; “Yeah, but I can’t take you out if you’re sick; and I was kinda looking forward to that,” he said, grinning, “So you’re going to take care of yourself?”

You raised your eyebrows and nodded your head; “Of course,” you replied, as he smirked and made his way to the door. “And D?” You called, before he could leave. He peeked his head back into your room; “Thank you for the pizza.”

“Anytime, Y/N,” he grinned bashfully, “Anytime.”

I had to write a teaching statement for an application, and it turned out to be this expansive manifesto extolling the glory of mathematics, the universal truth that high-quality mathematics education is a basic human right, and my own account of the life I have so gladly dedicated to advancing the human understanding of mathematics with all that I am, every breath from my lungs, word through my lips, and thought in my head. 

But…right, I can’t submit this thing with my job application because they’ll think I’m nuts, but I always go to 11 when I talk about this subject so please send help…

Some days are great
I don’t have a trouble in the world
The sun is shining in my heart
And my skin is warm
I feel like I can do anything
I treasure these days the most
Because they don’t come around very often

But then there are days that are bad
And I don’t know why
I can’t pin point it
I feel the rain beating down on me
And the water filling my lungs
It’s so hard to breath
I can barely catch my breath
These days happen the most

All I want to do is be happy
But I can’t quite seem to get there
Bad thoughts swarming in my head
Which makes its way to my lungs
Or I don’t even know what’s wrong
But it’s still there, waiting for me.
I’m searching desperately for the sun
But all I can find are black clouds
That put me in darkness
Day after day

—  Chapters from my life
How long did it last?” He asked looking to the girl as she sat on the floor on her knees. A word hadn’t escaped her mouth for days. “It hasn’t even ended.” She sighed realizing the pain had completely and utterly consumed her. “I thought that maybe, this time might be different.” She gasped trying to fill her lungs with air, but came short as the tears once again brimmed her eyes. “But I didn’t know that this time I would be led to complete paralysis and I have lost the ability to feel happy once again.
—  //Paralysis//

i’m overcompensating for forgetting to breathe by writing too many words

and trying to make them sound poetic 
when really there’s no artistic way to say

i woke up one morning and drank bleach
just to see how it tasted and bled out

in a bathtub dying a thousand little 
deaths every time i breathed in

so you could imagine how it feels
to be told you’re writing too many words

when all you’re trying to do is remember 
how it felt to have air in your lungs,

what it tasted like instead of the blood 
that you vomited all over the white tiles.


A Sonnet on Eponine's Love

My cheeks have not stopped blushing from her kiss
She must feel my palms burning from her touch
My heart is lost; and yet it feels like bliss
It feels like love; it almost feels too much

She’s like an angel, burning out my soul
Too beautiful, too perfect for my eyes
Her laugh alone can make my heart feel whole
Her words can turn my lungs to butterflies

Just being here with her can be enough
Just holding hands; I wouldn’t ask for more
I know I’m far too simple, far too rough
And yet she looks at me like she adores

Until she sends me off, please understand,
There’s no way I’m releasing this girl’s hand

(For @wanttodrawmothsfrommemory who asked for a sonnet on Eposette)
***Hit me up for a sonnet anytime***

"Trending Topic" Xiumin/You- Anon Request

yee, this is probably my favorite thing i’ve written.

Scenario: everyone assumes you’re dating EXO’s Baekhyun. Except you and Baekhyun.

word count: sheeeeet, it was a lot idk 

rating: oh boy, we have NC-17 here, minseok if you’re reading this i’m sorry baby i love you

Your chopsticks clatter against your bowl when you read the talk ID, because you could’ve sworn he was doing a recording in China.

Minseok: wahhh the dorm is so lonely! >.<”

Your fingers hover over the keyboard, the air feeling heavy in your lungs. Because the thing about Minseok is…is that he can seem so carefree, detached almost. Has the most the control, the most distance. But with you sometimes he doesn’t. Masks it only barely so that you can see the intent behind it. If you squint, if you try.

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Breathe || Jimin || Oneshot

Word Count: 1709

Genre: comfort, oneshot

Based on: Breathe by Lee Hi

(A/N): erm…there’s been a lot of people around me who have been having a hard time lately and i’m really bad at giving advice so i felt sort of bad i couldn’t offer much. But i hope this small blurb with Bangtan’s angel makes you guys feel better.

The skies were already dark by the time you left the restaurant. You bowed to your boss and exited through the back into the alley. You stepped out of the dirty alley and took in a strong breath, allowing your lungs to fill up with the smells of Seoul. When you breathed back out, you turned and began walking to the cross walk.

“Watch it!”

You stumbled back, dipping your head in an apology, “Sorry.”

You rubbed your shoulder which stung from the impact and continued to walk. Your eyes were trained on the sidewalk and you couldn’t be bothered to lift your shoulders. Your dad had always told you to walk with your head held high because then, people would think you lived a good life—that you’re confident. Honestly, at the moment, you didn’t have the energy for that. Your fingers were wrinkled and dry from washing dishes all day only to earn just enough to pay for rent and food. Your shoulders ached from carrying dishes back and forth and your head throbbed from getting yelled at by your boss and unreasonable customers. You kept your mouth shut and your head low as you weaved through the crowd, ignoring when people ran into you.

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It’s to the point where your like
“Fuck life and fuck everything, no one gets it, not even my self”

And you sit with all your bottled up emotions, overflowing and yet it keeps getting filled.

All your pain, sadness, held in tears, anger, suffering. It all surrounds your heart

You start wanting to be alone, your extra tired, your barely eating, you drown yourself in music and alcohol

You smoke weed to feel high and carefree, you cut to release pain.

You cry in the shower, punch walls and feel like screaming on the top of your lungs

Your always irritated, and you can’t find the words to even begin to explain why.

Have I caught your attention?

Your not alone my dear, im there too. Tired of the hurt and lies and sick of the pain

Getting drunk to forget the issues, high to feel no pain, but baby that shit ends eventually.

Just know that

Your not alone

Im with you too.

Gentle eyes soften, melting completely so that she wouldn’t be surprised if the green began to leak out and turn her skin into forests too.

And there’s words now but she can’t answer because she’s choking on her frantic lungs and she’s scared of what blood and guts will come out if she opens her mouth. But then comes her name as a battle cry and there’s only one person who’s ever been able to say her name like that.

And despite herself, despite her anger and her self hatred and her loss, she reaches a hand out of the darkness she’d curled herself under, throwing out a lifeline, the last one she’s got. When fingers find hers, when she feels weight press down beside her, she almost recoils but then there’s the warmth she remembers and she struggles to keep still.

Things dissolve within her, bones crumbling to pieces beneath her skin. But the fingers holding hers are trembling, I bring life. And victory has always stood on the back of sacrifice.

—  ~Excerpts from a book I’ll never write #97

A million eyes gaze out
Through the frosted glass of distant memory
A thousand yous
Spin and step and skip
Just out of grip
My fingers grasp
At hair and thin air
At wisps of a heart I used to have
Of the plush lips that used to grace my own
And I know as I sit
I am quite alone
But the ghost of your heat
Still sets the chair on fire next to me
The boards creak
In the ancient places we used to meet
Bending weakly beneath the phantom of your weight
I wait
For my Skeleton bones
To turn from stone to molten gold
As they melt beneath your half forgotten touch
I am rotten
I feel my insides wither
Breathe new life into me
From your gentle lungs
Your air ether
Whisper to me familiar words in foreign tongues
Let them lap against me
And wash over my aching lonely flesh