i have moodswings

Being a self aware borderline is awful, because you know your symptoms are about to flip the fuck out. The Jaws theme is playing and going too fast to stop. You’re about to break down, lash out, hurt and destroy your relationships, and you’re aware of it, but you can’t do a thing for it. 

It’s like being trapped inside a glass house with soundproof walls. You can beat on the glass and shout as much as you want that you don’t want to do this, that you know it’s upsetting both yourself and everyone around you, but you can’t stop it. 

its so hard for me to believe that im not mentally normal until i realize having nonstop moodswings & 70 suicidal thoughts a day is…. unusual…..

me: HAPPY!!

me the next few seconds: im.. so miserable… iv e …. never been ths sad b4 in my life….

me in another few seconds: IM SO MOTIVATED IM GOING TO TAKE SO MANY HARD CLASSES NEXT SEMSTER AND BE SUPER SMART AND GET INTO A UNIVERSITY!!!

me in literally less than two minutes: i…. hate myself….. i dont do anything right and i want to die…..

me again: I LOVE EVERYONE!! MY FRIENDS ARE SO GREAT AND I NEVER WANT TO STOP TALKING TO THEM!!!

again, me very soon after: i hate everyone and i want to be alone forever under a rock

i hate having sudden moodswings cause… i can be fine one minute and then im just like :) everyone hates me lol

and the worst thing is that i KNOW that people love and cherish me, it just doesn’t feel like it i guess. like im not anyones 1# priority or anything. idk