i have millions and millions of friends with me

anonymous asked:

Wait how do we know phil's bedroom is a set. Also that seems super weird????? Why does it matter if we know what the inside of their house looks like, as long as we don't know the outside? It's not like they complained about people finding them or anything. Dnp wtf are you doing.

under the cut cause i don’t want to be annoying ( ;/ )

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Please read.

      So today, my Adfly account got deleted. Someone reported it, that someone was @fortheloveofsims4 / @xajxosimsaddicted / @justanothersimplayer or whatever this girl wants to call herself. 

     She’s against adfly, like I’ve never seen before, she’s been commenting on many creators posts that use adfly, trying to create drama. She’s a pathological liar and very stubborn. She commented on my post telling me to stop posting adfly links because they are bad, or she would “make me do it”. So I sent her a very kind and peaceful message, asking her to stop commenting on my posts and trying to create drama. Her response was not so kind, she insulted me in many ways, simply because I use adfly… She said that she would expose me to her “thousands” of youtube subscribers. I tried to explain to her why I use adfly and I told her that if she doesn’t like my content, to simply just not download it! She still didn’t understand and kept insulting me, so I blocked her.
     A few minutes passed and I received a message from other account, her “friend” saying that I made the biggest mistake of my life, because she has 1.8 MILLION YOUTUBE SUBSCRIBERS and she would expose me! (LOL) I answered telling her to leave me alone and that having 1.8 million subs was impossible, and blocked her again. So she sends me an image from ANOTHER account, with “proof” of the subs:

As you can see, she sent me a very bad Photoshopped pic, she put her name (not even with the youtube font) and her icon (completely out of the square limits the youtube icon has lololol), and it seems her 1.8 million went down to 500k…. but anyways. I replied saying that the pic was photoshopped from aviatorgamez, and this was her reply:

Of course my first thought was, “this girl is crazy!” and thought she wouldn’t actually do anything. But it seems she did. And it seems she’s the one behind all the reports on tumblr lately, every blog that got reported was probably because of her. I’m giving her the attention she wants, which I shouldn’t, but I just wanted to warn you about this person.


     My adfly got suspended because this girl reported it. I’ve lost all my earnings and all my links, I’m working at the moment in replacing them. I can’t wrap my head on how someone can do this to someone. I’ve done nothing wrong to anyone. I simply share content. I know it’s not the best way, but it’s the only way I can share it. Yes, I used 2 adfly links, which is very annoying, I understand. But earnings on adfly aren’t much, this way was a way of making a more significant amount. I am a student at University by day, I have a part time job by night, and on my free time I make cc for you, for FREE. I live alone, I need to pay rent, food, tuition, everything. The Sims and adfly have literally saved my life at times, because it was a little extra money, that helped me a lot.
     I’m not saying this for anyone to be sorry for me, I hate that, because I’m not the only one and there’s people with much less than me. I just can’t understand how someone is capable of just ruining someones work, just like that. Why can’t they just ignore and leave people alone doing their own things? If you don’t like something from a creator don’t download it. Why go to extreme measures and report them? Literally ruining a life of someone just for the sake of it. I truly don’t understand and I’m very very hurt. I’m sorry for the long text, I just hope some of you read it and understand my point of view. I’m sorry. 

Unknown Number: [text] Greetings, my friend! Allow me to express my sincere interest in developing a business relationship with you. My name is CROWN PRINCE WUMI and I am from an Outer Rim system very far away. After my father the King’s untimely death, I inherited Fifteen million five hundred thousand Galactic credits (15.5m GC). Shortly thereafter our government was overthrown. I am in desperate need of your assistance in helping me transfer this sum of Fifteen million five hundred thousand credits (15.5m) offworld. I am willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designated account. 
Obi-Wan: I see. So I would get a cut of this money, then, for helping you? Is that right?
Unknown: Yes of course! I am a trustworthy person and you can put your faith in me, my friend. 
Obi-Wan: Let me guess: I need to wire you credits first, right? In order for me to collect on this vast fortune you are offering?
Unknown: We must truly be meant to work together on this venture, for that is precisely what I was just about to inform you of! It will require a small Galactic Western Union payment of ten thousand credits to be made to a business associate of mine, one H. OHNAKA. He is a very trustworthy businessman and he will ensure that the rest of these proceedings go forward smoothly. I will send you his bank account details posthaste!
Obi-Wan: Oh my God. Hondo, is that you? 
Unknown: You are familiar with this associate of mine? How is that?
Obi-Wan: Hondo, it’s me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. 
Hondo: General KENOBI!!!! !!!!!! How about that! How are you, my good friend? It has been so long! I presumed you were dead what with the Empire and the killing and all. 
Obi-Wan: Yes, well, I am alive. And I’m not about to wire you money for whatever scheme this is. 
Hondo: I’m wounded that you think I was attempting to run some sort of scam on my old friend General Kenobi! 
Obi-Wan: Well the fact that you identified yourself as some sort of crown prince at the beginning sort of gave it away. 
Obi-Wan: Someone would have to be spectacularly gullible to fall for something like this, Hondo. 
Hondo: All right, all right! Perhaps you have a point. 
Obi-Wan: Actually come to think of it, why don’t you try this number instead? You might have more luck. [sends him Vader’s cell number] 


Unknown Number: [text] Greetings, my friend! Allow me to express my sincere interest in developing a business relationship with you. My name is CROWN PRINCE WUMI and I am from an Outer Rim system very far away. After my father the King’s untimely death, I inherited Fifteen million five hundred thousand Galactic credits (15.5m GC). Shortly thereafter our government was overthrown. I am in desperate need of your assistance in helping me transfer this sum of Fifteen million five hundred thousand credits (15.5m) offworld. I am willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designated account.
Vader: whoa sure im totally in !!!! 
Unknown: Wonderful! It will require a small Galactic Western Union payment of ten thousand credits to be made to a business associate of mine, one H. OHNAKA, before we can proceed. He is a very trustworthy businessman and he will ensure that the rest of these proceedings go forward smoothly. I will send you his bank account details posthaste!
Vader: ok cool 
Vader: lol its weird i actually used to know a guy named h. ohnaka but he was a pirate so obvs not ur friend 
Unknown: Ah, yes, a coincidence indeed! 
Vader: im on my way to the bank right now 



Finally managed to work past my art block (kinda)!

Jedi! Shmi is dedicated to the magnificent @mirandatam. I hope this helps out with your writer’s block, friendo. (I also hope this shade of green is okay. If not, lemme know and I’ll alter it a bit <3)

(And pssst, other peeps. Mira has a Jedi Shmi AU that is pretty damn popular. Take a looksie. I definitely gotta read it myself soon!)


i… have no excuse for this im sorry

btw happy 16 million!! kinda odd for me to put a heartfelt message under a dumb post like this but i’m really on a feels train today.

i’ve been in this community since april of 2014 and i think that was just before 200k. i didn’t start making fanart of sean until late 2014, and i didn’t start posting art until early 2015. i started doing portraits because i was twelve and i was like, hey. i could do that. so i did! looking back they’re not that great, but their quality doesn’t matter. i want to thank sean and this community for motivating me to start creating more. day after day i look in the tags and i see wonderful, pure talent and drive from some amazing people. i always get inspired and i push myself more to create bigger and better things. so thank you. thank you, sean, for being a voice to listen to in the background while i draw the things that make me happy. thank you for being so down to earth and teaching me to be open minded and love others. thank you. thank you and the community for being there. thank you for helping me meet some of my closest friends. thank you so much. ‘thank you’ can’t even begin to describe how much i cherish what you (and you all) have done for me and for those i care about.

so thank you. all 16 million of you, and sean.

thank you, and here’s to 16 million more.

A lil rant here

Hmm… Truth time~ it’s like, 6 AM and I haven’t gone to bed, so let’s have a little bit of honesty here. Vanoss.. I’m pretty sure we all know him by now. Number 1 in the group, right? Why? I mean, there is nothing wrong with that, but I really don’t understand how subscribers aren't​ really.. spread out.
Like I’m glad Vanoss is so popular! But I guess don’t understand how the group isn’t big as a whole. Delirious is obviously runner up with 9 million, then there is Mini with 4 million, Wildcat with 5 million, and so one and so forth. That’s great! I’m glad my babes have so many people liking them! But Vanoss has 20 million. A pretty big difference, if you ask me. I’m glad they’re so great together, and I love them all, regardless. But honestly… What makes Vanoss so different? Yeah he spends a lot of time editing videos, but so does Delirious and a bunch of other people in the group. Nogla hardly ever edits videos, and he’s doing aight. I guess never really seen the difference. I just can’t see why Vanoss has so many subscribers and his best friends (who he plays with all the time) aren’t up there with him. I mean, Vanoss probably wouldn’t be where he was without the guys.. without having fun with them. They helped him just as much, if not more, as he helped them. Yeah, they joke about Vanoss practically carrying them through. But it shouldn’t be like that. They want to be up there with him on their own accord, and still have fun with each other. I mean, because of the whole ‘Vanoss carrying the crew thing’ MiniLadd​ stopped playing with him (even tho he was in. Video to him not to long ago. Maybe things have changed.) Sorry if this makes a lot of people angry, since I know a lot of people practically worship Vanoss, but I just can’t see a difference on their content. If you know, tell me? I just don’t understand it… Yeah they’re doing fine.. but I just wish they got appreciated like Vanoss does. Like some of VanossGaming’s friends haven’t even hit 1 million. Like Bryce, for an example. Jiggly is another one. Yeah, Vanoss supports his friends, boosting their content (like one time he put Basically’s video on his channel to boost it). That’s super sweet of him to do that, so props to him! Of course this topic is reoccurring. I’m pretty sure a lot of people was aware of this situation, and even the gang is, too. So it’s not foreign, just, no one talks about it anymore. Now, by no means am I hating on Vanoss. I love the guy. I just don’t really see why he’s number 1. It should be the group is number 1 as a whole, and have fun with each other. Sorry for the rant @-@ Just know I dont intend to make people angry with this, it’s just my own personal opinion. 💖

anonymous asked:

What's the silliest au idea you decided not to post? Only if you want of course, but you talk about writing stuff only to delete it all the time and im so curious now

The Lads as street magicians with actual magic. They busk on the streets of Los Santos, flashy tricks and slight of hand, enough to draw little crowds and get a couple of dollars from the few generous people in their hellhole city. Enough to distract from the way they’re robbing the less kind-hearted souls blind right before their eyes.

Its a neat trick, hiding their abilities in plain sight, enduring some sneers and shoves and attempts to work them out in return for a tidy profit. They don’t take too much, don’t want to draw too much attention to themselves, can’t risk getting caught out; you never know who’s a big name in this town. Never know who’s armed and dangerous, and the fear of pissing off one gang or another is all too real.

So they don’t make bank but they’re doing ok, they’ve gone from the streets to their own apartment; a shitty one-bedroom hole-in-the-wall but it’s not nothing. They’ve always got enough to eat, they get to play with their powers in broad daylight and they’ve got each other; who could ask for more?

But then, of course, come the Gents. The Gents who all trained their magic through the proper channels, came from families or communities where the existence of their abilities was an open secret, but have gone rogue for their own enrichment, joined up to take the mundane criminal world by storm. So when they walk past a couple of kids performing with real magic they notice, when the kids try to relieve them of their wealth they notice, and the Lads? The lads scatter.

It’s not a response they all agree with, flight over fight will never sit well on Michael or Jeremy, but it’s smarter. It’s what they’d agreed on, in the face of police or gangs or any kind of threat, get out, get safe and regroup. Undignified maybe, but better to keep their powers hidden and live on to fight another day.

But the Gents are no normal civilian adversaries, they have no problem keeping up, so when the Lads find themselves unnaturally corralled and cornered in a secluded alley they have themselves a little showdown anyway. The Gents think its cute at first, little baby sparks with their pretty, harmless powers trying to come up against 3 high level professionals, alright good luck kids. It’s not like the Gents are looking for a fight anyway, are curious more than anything, and waiting for the boys to exhaust themselves should be a piece of cake.  

Except the lads haven’t made it out here on their own for this long without perfecting some mighty strong attacks and repellents, have been practising on each other every day, and the only motivator better than fear for yourself is fear for those you love. They’re vicious, dirty untrained magic, wildly instinctual and impossible to predict, a maelstrom of impenetrable chaos. It’s impressive, unusual and creative and inherently difficult to combat, and hello hello the Gents could absolutely use that kind of edge in their endeavour.

(this is where some actual substance would go but instead i gave up and threw it out..)

Only You | 3

Overview: It’s junior year and Riley’s best friend develops a crush on her first love, Lucas. Not wanting to stand in between them she lies and says she’s okay with them being together. As it turns out, Lucas has an older trouble making brother that none of his friends knew about. One that just so happens to take an interest in Riley.
Author’s Notes: In this AU, the triangle never happened and Farkle never outed Riley’s feelings. [Italics indicate flashbacks.]
Previous Chapters: 1 | 2
Chapter Three: “Rejected.”
Word Count: 2,676

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 End Of Junior Year, Texas. 


Soon the only noise that can be heard is the crackling of the bonfire and the distant sound of footsteps. Riley’s footsteps to be specific. Lucas waited a beat, turning his head slightly to stare at the fire in front of him. He watched the colors dance around each other, casting a terracotta glow against his face.  

He could feel his body holding tension as he tried to process everything that just happened. Riley doesn’t see him the way he sees her. Brother, she said. He’s like her brother. The worlds echoing in his head leaving a nauseous feeling at the pit of his stomach.  

It takes him a minute to remember he’s not alone. Sat on a log behind him is Maya. She has yet to say a word since Riley’s reveal, instead she’s just sitting there, eyes locked on the fire. She quickly glances up at him, expecting him to say something pertaining to everything that just happened but he just holds up a finger. “I’ll be right back.”

And with that he’s on his feet, following the same path Riley and Farkle walked down, hoping it wasn’t too late. Hoping he could still catch her.

Sure enough he spots her, standing off to the side by herself, arms crossed over her chest as she leans against a tree on the outskirts of the ranch. Farkle was nowhere in sight and he figured it was the perfect opportunity to let everything out. If she wanted to drop a bomb on him he was going to return the favor, no matter how messy or painful the outcome was.  

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I'm Sorry Your Phone Is On Silent

I work at the call center for an alarm company, and I basically call people when their alarms go off. So the other night I have this lady, and her alarm goes off, I call her, get no answer, call the cops, &c, &c, all according to protocol. So this bitch calls in about half an our later, demanding to know what happened. When I told her we sent the police she started laying into me about how she kept her phone on silent at night, and how could we expect to reach her if her phone was on silent? When I pointed out to her that she only had one phone number on her account for us to call she screeched at me about how it was the only phone number they had (I guess she doesn’t have any friends?). And she kept going on and on about how she kept her phone on silent, and why would we expect to be able to reach her if her phone is on silent, and it’s just like, we don’t tell you to put your phone on silent. We have more than a million customers, do you expect us to know that you, out of all of those millions keep your phone on silent at night? She kept going on and on as if this was my fault. Some people have no sense of responsibility.

Another TFLN Meme

[text]: Just please try not to piss _____ off, I really can’t afford to find a new drug dealer again
[text]: Well I’ve made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I’ve got this babysitting thing down
[text]: Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
[text]: He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn’t disappointed.
[text]: alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a sprained ankle. i die now
[text]: Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming I’M UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
[text]: This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
[text]: I’m fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
[text]: You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when I’m drunk because “I could have died”.
[text]: He’s tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should’ve shaved my armpits
[text]: You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
[text]: i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
[text]: anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
[text]: Someone said we’re out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying ‘but where will all the polar bears live”. That drunk.
[text]: I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when I’m drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
[text]: He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
[text]: I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
[text]: At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
[text]: Quick question. What’s the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
[text]: Go back and try to find another to go home with.
[text]: I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
[text]: Ah, but I don’t wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
[text]: I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone’s foreheads so they kicked me out
[text]: This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It’s now a love polygon and I want out
[text]: You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
[text]: There’s so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
[text]: Just told myself the phrase “You’re not THAT single” while dressing myself
[text]: who are you and why are you in my phone as Dr. Seuss
[text]: so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
[text]: you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those you tried to call 911
[text]: all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
[text]: not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn’t use stairs
[text]: I wonder if wearing only a tiara counts as being clothed.
[text]: Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a “shady motherfucker.” Can’t argue with that one.
[text]: thanks for bringing me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
[text]: I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

Markiplier and JackSepticEye Are Still Friends


Now I’ve been seeing this thing going on around saying Mark and Jack don’t seem like friends anymore.

And I think that’s really overdramatic to say in the least.

Like them having separate panels at Pax East or not as many collabs. When really, people forget the big picture.

Mark lives in Los Angeles, CALIFORNIA.

Jack, on the other hand, live in IRELAND. (Very soon, Brighton)

Not only are they very far apart (which is why they can’t visit each other as often or as easily as Jack can with Felix, since Felix lives fairly close)

They also live in different time zones. They’re 8 hours apart in time. I know that because I live in California too.

Its really hard to make time to set up a collab when they both have to chug out 2 videos a day on a schedule.

Not to mention they’re both busy people and want to push themselves onto big projects, ideas, or changes.

Heck, Jack’s going to move to Brighton, get back into drums, and get a dog. And most likely more.

And Mark has an office with friends helping him on a daily basis, monthly livestreams, and is getting more into filming and big video projects (Example- A Date With Markiplier)

You can’t expect them to always have time for each other. I know we love their collabs but we have to remember THEY ARE THEIR OWN INDIVIDUALS. EVERYTHING ISN’T AIMED AT EACH OTHER.

Especially the panels, it really peeves me because a lot think its about their friendship.



Also, Mark with Ethan, Tyler, Amy, and Kathryn. And Jack with Felix. Apparently Mark and Jack having other friends seems to be a problem. It isn’t. Like NO SHIT Jack hangs out with Felix more often, THEY LIVE REALLY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. And Mark WORKS with his friends. MARK AND JACK LIVE ACROSS THE WORLD FROM EACH OTHER. I’m sorry for the use of caps, but it seems like to people its so easy to just go to America or Ireland. Its not. It means more recording, editing, booking a plane, setting a schedule, making sure all videos are edited, thumbnailed, uploaded on time, you get on the plane in time, and getting back home before you’re out of videos to upload. BOOM.

Don’t get me wrong, I love their friendly duo, but sometimes it can’t always be them.

This is just like with Signe when she asks for video ideas. Everyone keeps asking “Do a video with Jack plz !!!!”

Like, no. Just, no.

Let them be them, not everything needs to be about each other. Not everything is about their friendship with secret messages.



They have busy lives. Its like their collabs are the only time they interact. They obviously must have times in their day where they talk and just be friends. Not everything Mark and Jack do has to be filmed.

And yet people only seem to only pay attention to Mark and Jack.

Like nobody points out at how little Mark and Bob, or Wade and Mark. Felix and Mark. Jack and Wade. How little they collab. How little anything. Its literally only Mark and Jack people seem to worry about.

I don’t know, it just really grinds my gears to just see people treat this like its actually something serious. Its always Mark and Jack, isn’t it.

What I’m basically saying is Mark and Jack have their own lives. Everything isn’t depended on each other. They both have big plans and dreams and passions they both want to succeed. And I don’t want people to think their friendship is somehow involved.

They’re their own person. Let it stay that way.

                    ft. @supervivientc   @peaceific   @nogoodwitch

acnl give away alert!

by @bethiecrossing

hey guys. so i’ve decided to do a giveaway, i really want to do one and i feel like everyone loves giveaways, so why not?


you must be following my blog and you must like this post,

repost/reblog this as many times as you want, but don’t spam all of your followers,

you must be happy with sharing your friend code with me,

feel free to use my ask box if you have any queries :)


5 million bells,

princess furniture set by gracie,

hello kitty sanrio furniture set,

sloppy furniture set,

throwing beans,

hair bow wig,

cake dress.

yellow dotted dress,

flower fairy dress,

flower fairy boots,

rainbow screen.


2 million bells,

gorgeous furniture set by gracie,

throwing beans,

hair bow wig,

cake dress.

yellow dotted dress,

flower fairy dress,

flower fairy boots,

rainbow screen.

likes do not count as entries! this giveaway ends on the 30th of September, so you have a lot of time, please tell your friends, thank you. :]♡


Congratulations to the greenies of beans on YouTube for reaching 15,000,000 million subscribers! Sean, you are truly one of the best people I know. You have helped me and so many other people so much, thanks to you I’ve one of the best friends I could wish for. Honestly, I couldn’t thank you enough for what you have done. Thank you and once again, congratulations! :D

5 Things (5/30/17)

1. I’m in Cinque Terre right now. Kelly is off on a hike and I’m laying low in our little B&B, reading, and wondering if I’ll even leave the room today. We’ve been traveling all over this country since May 19th, nearly non-stop. I’m exhausted. I’m in love with this area, much more than Rome and La Val, but only slightly more than Florence. I don’t know whether I want to walk to the top of a hill and revisit the cemetery, walk to the beach and sit in front of the water for the rest of the day, or stay right where I am, reading, listening to birdsong. None of these are bad choices. These are all privileged choices. And I kind of wish I could forget that, just for a moment.

I had a small crying fit on our third night in Italy. Right after dinner, we returned to our room and I started weeping almost immediately. Here’s something you should know: I am not great at taking vacations. Not real ones anyway. In fact, most of what I have traditionally called “vacations” are actually dutiful trips back home to Indiana in which I am pulled in a million different directions to visit a million different friends and family members, and inevitably end up disappointing a third of them with my lack of time to come through or my lack of mental presence when I do. Even vacations with Kel’s family, while amazing and usually unlike anything I’ve ever done with my own family, can be emotionally exhausting for someone like me. Someone who likes quiet, and long lazy afternoons. However, what those “vacations” provided me in spades were new experiences and distraction. This is why my current vacation made me cry. I’ve taken a real break. I’m really only doing what I want to do, and I’m doing it with my favorite person. But there is no consistent distraction. I am forced to feel, without having to wear the mask of self-containment or confidence. I get the long and lazy afternoons I wanted, and my mind fills them with all the thoughts, fears, and insecurities I’ve been distracting myself from for months. Maybe years. Go figure.

2. Kelly proposed the weekend before we left. I said yes, of course. He’d planned on proposing the day before the trip, but the combination of his own excitement and my over dinner confession that at times I don’t feel like I’m the kind of person who gets to be loved unconditionally, not for very long anyway, inspired him to ask me to marry him that same night. We’d talked about getting married before. I knew it was coming soon. Kelly is really bad at not being obvious about having a happy secret. I thought he might do it while we were in Italy. I was excited. Even if I couldn’t convince myself that I, as I am, could be loved unconditionally, I was certain I’d let him try. I’ve been certain about that for a long time. Because he already knew I’d want to pick my own engagement ring, he bought us matching Avengers novelty rings with green gamma ray insignia. We’re both huge fans of Marvel, and particularly The Hulk. It was perfect. He’s amazing.

I never thought I’d be significantly excited to be engaged. It just seemed like a small and barely necessary step to doing the real work of being married and building a life with someone. I am startled by my excitement. I am shocked by my desire to have a wedding day, even if I still want it to be one that looks like us, without too much fanfare or traditional happenings. I’ve been poring over four issues of the wedding magazine Catalyst, a gift from our family-friends Angel & Shira, and soaking up every idea that looks like something we would do if we were just throwing a party without the added pressure of an impending marriage. It’s the only magazine I’ve found that seems relevant to me, and my style. I can’t believe I’m reading wedding magazine that applies to my life. I can’t believe that thinking about my wedding day makes me smile so hard it becomes hard for me to stop. I can’t believe that my father will see me get married and my grandmother won’t. But Kelly is a constant. He is my constant. I am so excited–and so ready–to marry him.

3. This is my first time writing anything since we’ve been on this trip. I needed the break. And now, my head is spinning with ideas about what I want to do next. In my book, in my screenplay, for my job…there is so much I have to look forward to when I get back. And I am looking forward to it all.

4. My doctor is encouraging me to try a very specific diet to combat the symptoms of my PCOS. Part of me is willing to try anything. The other part of me is skeptical. Very skeptical. One of signs of the diet working would be me losing weight. A lot of weight. I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life due to callous commentary from people who loved me and just the general poison of societal standards of beauty. Typical stuff. But I’m feeling good about the way my body looks most of the time now. I don’t want to go back to judging myself harshly over the number on the scale. I just don’t need that shit. I also don’t want to be unhealthy. I’m going to try the diet. I might lose weight. And I’m going to cross my fingers that no one assumes I’m doing it for the wedding. Because I’m not, and I wouldn’t.

Seriously. If I lose a bunch of weight before this wedding, know that it had nothing to do with wanting to a look thinner on a “special day” and it had everything to do with my blood sugar, and reproductive health. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, the idea that someone might assume I lost weight to fit into a wedding dress or look good in pictures, but it does. That’s probably silly. But like…is it? I’ve watched friends over the past few years lose weight for a myriad of reasons, mostly health related. They’re sick and their bodies are suffering and the world is telling them how amazing they look, and it turns my stomach. I remember losing weight because I was depressed and once because I was so poor I was eating a half a sandwich twice a day with bread and meat I stole from my roommates and hoped they wouldn’t notice, even though they would have given them to me without hesitation. They were good guys. But I was embarrassed. Everyone was commenting on how good I looked, and I was eating so little I couldn’t even make a bowel movement every day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to be healthy, but I don’t want to fear my fat the way the rest of the world seems to. I don’t want to think it’s good or normal to want to be thin at all costs, especially when the cost is your mental or physical health. I don’t want to think that wearing a bikini, even if I’m self-conscious about it, is brave. Maybe it is, but it shouldn’t be. It should just be a thing I wore. And feeling comfortable in my body shouldn’t have to be such a struggle because it’s hard to find clothes that fit me correctly. And I’m a size 16! Imagine what it’s like for a woman who is a size 20 or 28 or larger? I would like to be able to just be in my body without fearing how the world will react to my size. That is wishful thinking, I know. But I still wish.

5. We both cried when he proposed. He started, and I soon followed. This is the first time I’ve been in a relationship where I am not the emotional lead. Kelly grew up in a home of emotional safety. He could talk to his parents about anything, and often did. When he was being bullied at school, when he was falling in love, when he was angry with them, when he was excited about something new he’d learned, when he was afraid…everything. It is not that he hasn’t known emotional pain. He certainly has. But he has always had this emotional safety net in them, this freedom to be exactly as he is, and express exactly how he feels.
In my home, there was no such freedom. I am still sitting in therapy once a week unraveling all the ways my current emotional obstacles sprouted from a childhood where my mother’s anger ruled her household and my heart.

While we were staying in a hotel in the Dolomite mountains, Kelly asked me what I’d like to do, what did I find fun on vacation? And I told him I didn’t really know. I didn’t grow up in a house where I was asked what would be fun for me or what would I enjoy doing. Sometimes fun things happened, sometimes we went to fun places, and whether I liked it or not was irrelevant. I had to appreciate it. And so, I’ve grown into an adult who knows how to appreciate most things, and few ideas what she would do to have fun intentionally. For many years, this felt like a superpower. Did I want to go to this movie or that one? Didn’t matter. I could appreciate both. Did I want to eat here or there? Read this book or that book? Go to this bar or that one? It rarely mattered. I was, and still can be, ambivalent to the point of invisibility. Now, when I don’t like something, I say so. And when I really really do, I really say so. But those strong opinions are far and few between. I am playing catch up. There’s still so much I don’t know about what I want.

Several years ago, when Kelly flew from Seattle to Indianapolis, showed up on my doorstep and kissed me, I didn’t know what I wanted. A few days later, when he told me he loved me in front of my favorite tree, and had for a long time, I didn’t know what I wanted. Each time, his certainty made me feel safe enough to try to figure out what I wanted. That’s something he’s always given me: room to figure out how I feel. For him, this is second nature. He has always been given room to figure out how he feels. This was his parent’s gift to him, this soft place to land. Today, he gives me the same gift. He encourages me to continue to appreciate everything, but know what I prefer, and go after it as wildly as I wish. My love for Kelly has never been about how he keeps me close, as much as it has been about how he encourages me to fly out and away in the direction of my heart’s deepest desires. Especially the ones I learned to bury in my childhood. Especially the ones that scare me. I can not explain to you how good it feels to want what I want, to know what I want, and to finally have a home that is also a soft place to land.

To all the BABYz out there

Shame on us, shame on our fandom.
Sorry, I won’t sugarcoat any of this.

A few hours ago GOT7 got their first win on The Show with Never Ever. And I want to be glad for them and I can’t. I’m bitter. I’m sad. I’m ashamed. It’s not GOT7′s fault, it’s not iGOT7′s fault either for getting their group a win (or more, because I think it’s obvious they’ll be getting all of the wins for a while). It’s not B.A.P’s fault either for not winning. It’s ours. That’s what we’re supposed to do for them. And it’s not like we can’t, we can somehow support a world tour but not get them a win? No way.
The members have said multiple times that they don’t care about wins and prizes. That’s not true. Wins is not the reason they’re making music, but it IS what will allow them to keep making it. No one can deny how satisfactory it is to be aknowledged for your work, and that’s what wins will do for them. But it’s not only that, it will also open up more doors for them in the music industry. How can that not be important?
A lot of peope will say that we need money to get them wins on some shows, that the system is unfair, that other fandoms are bigger etc. But, guys, we have gotten them wins in the past. And I’m not just talking about the 3 wins that they got for 1004, they won one for each comeback since the hiatus (excluding That’s My Jam since they didn’t promote it on music shows and Wake Me Up that they’re still promoting). And theoritically, they’re supposed to have more fans with each comeback, so how did this happen? And it’s not a money issue, there are things we can do to support them without paying if we can’t afford to. But how many of us actually voted on M Countdown, how many of us streamed the MV, how many of us watched their performances on official channels, how many of us posted on twitter using hashtags to give them points? If you think about it, we shouldn’t even have to stream that much, 1 million views on the MV should be a child’s play for such a big fandom. But it took us one month (!!!) to reach 1 million views on Skydive’s MV on TS’ channel and 4 days or so for Wake Me Up. Views aren’t everything, you’ll say. No, they’re not. But they are important because the most viewed MVs are the ones that pop up as suggestions. TS might not be doing a good job at promoting them, but we’re not the ones to talk either, are we? 200.000 fans that attended the world tour, if only those watched the MV 5 times each the million would be right there. As a friend pointed out to me, more than 700.000 followers on V App, assuming some of them are double accounts etc, half a million are the real ones I say, can’t we all just watch the MV twice? And that’s just a small thing, I won’t even start on voting etc.
Do I really have to say more? If they call us a lazy fandom we get angry, but where is the lie? How many of us are actually active? I’m not even reffering to those that spend hours on a daily basis streaming and posting and doing search attacks on naver etc, those are a handful. How many of us actually follow B.A.P’s work? Because that’s all we have to do. It’s so damn easy for us to promote them and support them properly, but we’re just not doing it. Why?

I have no idea if there’s any cohesion in what I just wrote, I have no idea if any of it makes sense, I have no idea if I was offensive or rude to anyone. I’m just sad and I wanna cry. I have a test in a few hours and I am so sad I can’t even focus on that. But I want to say one more thing. I was so disappointed that even the thought of leaving the fandom for a while crossed my mind. But what good would that do? I am in this fandom because I sincerely believe that the B.A.P are amazing artists, all of them. So I won’t give up. Wake Me Up is probably their best work so far, even if we don’t manage to get them a win, it’s still a piece of art that should reach more people. I’ll keep streaming at least, I’ll also vote even if I don’t think there are much we can achieve at this point. So I ask of you to do the same. Remember what Himchan said on One Fine Day? That it’d be nice if we could slowly move forward? (or sth like that, I don’t remember the exact quote) Let’s do that then. It would certainly be nice if we did more, but since we’re not, please, at least don’t give up. Let’s help them and support them one step at a time.
I’m sorry if I offended anyone. To those of you that worked your asses off this entire time, thank you. Please don’t give up. I won’t either.