-For Christmas Eve Eve, I wore jingle bell suspenders. Tonight, Christmas Eve, I stepped up my game. I wore a homemade ugly Christmas sweater that my girlfriend Lauren and I had created together. Covered tastefully in pompoms, pipe cleaners, tassels, small present boxes, and more, it went over phenomenally. Plus, it worked fantastically as a deterent. No one could yell at someone who looked this tacky.
-“Here’s this. Here’s this.” A nine year-old girl handed her mother her Starbucks drink and pastry to hold. “Now I’m going to go to the bathroom, because I really need to go.” Moments later, she returned. “Now, where exactly is the bathroom?” Never before have I found a child whose struggles I knew so well.
-A man told me that we were doing the right thing by staying open so late on Christmas Eve. I would now like to cordially invite this man who waited until the last twelve hours possible to purchase his daughter’s gifts to come and do the right thing and work my shift for me.
-Men continue to find it necessary to throw any even slightly feminine products onto the register, to distance themselves from such a girly thing as hairspray or a greeting card. I continue to find this absolutely hilarious, a very telling display of their fragile masculinity.
-In what seemed to be a sweet act of Christmas kindness, a woman paid for the items of the guest behind her. It was all ruined though, as she then turned and said, “I’m a Christian. Don’t forget that.” This was all fun and games until it turned into a Jesus fan power play.
-A baby, barely old enough to speak, saw me in my sweater and hat and came to the conclusion that I was the present man she had been told about. Her eyes widened, her hand stretched out, and her face lit up. “SANTA???” she shouted in an adorably squeaky voice. I stepped up to the plate and handed her a long strip of stickers, cementing this as the most fulfilling Christmas Eve either of us will ever have.
-After scanning a Shopkins activity booklet, an adorable five year-old girl in the cart asked me if she could hold it. I naturally acquiesced. I then heard both her father and her brother repeatedly tell her, “That’s not yours. That’s not for you.” She acknowledged this, but would not let go of it. I realized to late that she had taken advantage of my naivety and was holding the gift hostage, tearing it up more and more as her father scolded her.
-A woman attempted to use a “rechargeable gift card.” I put that in quotes, because as she found out, it was an actual credit card in the name of a stranger whom she did not know at all. She told me that she had taken a few cards out of her twelve year-old son’s wallet and that this had been among them. She does not know how he got a hold of Kevin Jones’ company credit card, but I am impressed to no end and look forward to hearing about this boy in true crime podcasts to come.