i have given myself the feels

Therapy 2-15-2017- Holding onto Hope

I haven’t been updating much.. mainly because it’s hard to form words as to how I’m feeling when I don’t quite know myself…

Last Wednesday I had another session later that night.. During that time my therapist talked about another client (no defining information given) but she talked about how he lost his mom at age 4, and at 11 he is still so angry over it. So angry. She wanted me to see that if I killed myself my boys would have a really tough time. Ugh. It worked. It gave me a spark of motivation.

Other stuff happened during that session, but I felt right in that moment I knew I had to fight. And fight hard.

I left the session with hope. Something I haven’t had in a while. And During the past week, I’ve been trying to hold onto to that hope. Nurture it. Not sure if I still have a lot of it currently, but I’m still here..fighting.

As much as I loved Moana, I have to remind myself that Polynesians likely feel about it how I, as an Eastern Asian, feel about Avatar: the Last Airbender. As much as I adore atla, I always end up taking a moment to sit back and go “Ah, that cultural hodgepodge…..” 

It always strikes me that non-Asians probably would only see one culture in the Fire Nation or the Earth Kingdom whereas I see several in any given scene. That being said, please keep in mind that Disney took elements of several Polynesian cultures and thrust them together in this movie. Take a moment to use Moana as an opportunity to do proper research and genuinely learn about different cultures.

I’ll never forget the most valuable piece of advice I was given, “if you feel like you can’t make it through the day, only focus on the next hour. If you feel like you can’t make it through the next hour, only focus on the next few minutes. If you feel like you can’t make it through the next few minutes, take it one breath at a time.” I have to remind myself that, you’re gonna be okay, try to see through the cloud of doubt that is harboring all of the negative energy. It’s gonna get better. You are not alone. You are loved. So many people care about you, and want to see you happy and smiley. It’s okay to feel like this. Your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel nothing at all. You’re not going to feel like this forever.

anonymous asked:

Dear Hank, I am a 20-something straight white male, and I am finding it increasingly hard to not hate what I am because of other people who are that. I find myself wrestling with self-destructive and violent impulses towards other people like me. The simple fact of the matter is we deserve to be bled like swine for the damage we've done to the world and all the other people in it. How do you accept the monstrous history of our race without becoming some sort of serial killer?

Oy…

This is awful. This is an awful, awful thing to feel. I have never felt guilty about the power I’ve been given. You are not responsible for what people who are not you did just because you benefitted from their actions. You are only responsible for your actions and what you do with that power.

Like, I have a responsibility to do good with the power I’ve been given, but I’ve never hated myself because I happened to be born with the skin color, gender, biological sex, or bank account I was born with. I feel those things as a weight because I want to use the power I have well. But do not hate yourself because of something you didn’t do. 

Congrats on this crazy huge milestone, Jack!

I want to say something, because I haven’t ever properly done it before… so uh. Jack, if you see this. I want you to know that you honestly saved my life. Probably several times. I can’t remember when I started watching your videos, and I don’t know if that’s just because I feel like I always have been or if my sense of time is really that bad. But in any case… I can say with confidence that you have been a beacon of light at my darkest moments. I don’t watch your videos as much as I’d like to, because I’m sorta convinced that I’ll ruin it for myself somehow, but every time that I do watch I can’t help but feel happy at least for a little while. Thank you doesn’t seem good enough, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

And thank you to everyone in the community that has ever given me support as well. I appreciate it more than you could ever know.

i’m reading this printout for adhd that the counsellor gave me and this part is just SO ME that i had to type it out. i just had to. so here you guys go. bolded are the parts i underlined for myself

“You begin to absorb all of the sensory information that has been given to you by the second task, while still trying to focus on the first. The new information starts a whirlwind of thoughts, to the point everything becomes a loud whir of information. Now, losing hold on your focus that you were putting into the first task, you begin to feel anxious.

Focus, your brain says, you have to focus - what am I missing?

You try to focus on the first task, but upon doing that, you find that you can’t. New information from the second is coming in and taking up all of your focus, leaving you in a deep whirlwind of panic. You need to focus on the first task, but you can’t choose to stop focussing on the second task. You try to shut it all out and start over, but you find your motivation gone, or your attention directed at another third task that suddenly appeared. It’s a losing battle, wherein you end up in a cycle of self-loathing for a perceived failure.

You wish to prove that you’re not a self-named failure to others, so you move onto another task - this time, one you’re sure you can complete. Herein is where ADHD can both harm and benefit a person and those around them.

a) The task highly interests you. You are able to ‘hyperfocus’ and complete the task, often better than expected by your peers. The praise validates you as not a failure after all. You gain a sense of euphoria from the task (my note: lmao) and often feel good after completing it.

b) The task does not interest you. Your brain is unable to put weight on the task enough to allow you to complete it satisfactorily, and often you feel excruciating psychological pain or a loss of motivational energy at the idea of doing something so ‘boring’ - even if it isn’t to others.  People in this category will often be called “lazy” or “irresponsible” by their peers, family, and loved ones.

c) The task highly interests you, but your brain is unable to put weight on the task enough to allow you to put your attention towards it. You deeply care about this situation, but your brain is unable to focus on it despite trying, which leads to feelings of self-loathing and failure. People in this category will often be called “self-absorbed” “uncaring” or “a slacker” by their peers, family, and loved ones.

Once you begin to apply this hypothetical set of situations to every aspect of your functional life, you begin to realise that it’s impossible to keep up with. Every task is an uphill battle, and often ADHD sufferers receive little support or assistance. Add in the responsibilities we have to loved ones, family, children, or co-workers, and you will often feel set up for failure. Your peers will often see you as ‘normal’ and hold you to their standards - if you are distracted, you’re not paying attention. If you change the topic, do you really care? If you don’t notice a detail, maybe you’re not as invested as they first thought.

It can be painful and an extreme strain on both the sufferer and their relationships with their peers.

You will often hear phrases like “Try harder.”

“What’s wrong with you?!”

“I just told you that.”

“You only care about yourself. You don’t care about me.”

and “Whatever, that’s just an excuse.”

Attention deficit is a state of caring, a state of high attention, not low attention - you absorb not only things you need to, but other tasks that do not need your attention yet. Your brain is unable to decide which tasks carry weight, and which do not. Often, ADHD sufferers care deeply about a situation, but are unable to express it without feeling overwhelmed by their own thoughts.

Soon, people begin to dismiss and isolate you. They may call you offensive nicknames, belittle you, give you the cold shoulder, or laugh at your failings. Often, you will be continually held to their standards, forced to do things on ‘their level’ - and when you fail, it’s perceived as all on you.

Meltdowns, similar to those with panic disorders, autism spectrum disorders, or sensory issues, are common under high stress or isolation, and can lead to unintended self-injury or injury to others; be it through biting, scratching, kicking, property damage or other acts of self-harm or violence. Often people who do this are regarded as childlike and unworthy of help until they ‘act like an adult’, when they cannot control themselves or their actions.

The main priority in a breakdown is safety, including removing the person from an endangering or public space to a calmer, safer one such as a car, bedroom, or quiet office space. Music, television, or movies should be turned off or removed from your line of hearing, and light touches such as stroking or use of the pads of the fingers should be avoided. Attempt to remove any uncomfortable or pressurising clothing, when in an environment that you’re able to do so. 

If you are able, request a massage, or a tight hug. Unlike a panic attack, the massage helps release muscle tension healthily, and a tight hug helps the meltdown-haver to feel secure and allow them a limited sensory input: the hugger. An environment with a lot of pillows helps in more violent meltdowns, as it allows the sufferer a range of movement without being prone to injury.

Once this happens, many people can feel defeated and enter a cycle of self-hatred, or in more extreme cases, self-punishment. Self-isolation is common, as you feel a danger or a burden to other people, and also as a way to limit your sensory input. Peers will often ridicule you for not ‘getting out more’ or spending most of your time alone, which can lead to a loss in quality relationships with others who are not tolerant of your strict adherence to solitary pastimes. You will often be perceived as selfish or uncaring for spending your time this way, and upon trying to stand up for yourself, will often find yourself more isolated than ever.

You know deep within yourself that you love and care for these people, and often blame yourself for not being able to participate as well in situations that seem easy to others - a conversation about your child’s latest drawing, or your spouse’s day at work, for example. You care deeply, but upon your personal failings and ostracising by your peers, you begin to see yourself as a bad person unworthy of the love or attention other people give you. You desperately want to please your loved ones and be accepted by them, but after neither of these things happen, a spiral of shame and self-hatred begins.

Often, ADHD sufferers will ‘step up’ or try harder for these loved ones to show how deeply they truly care, but as they’re now only seen for their failures and not the internal struggle that’s behind every success as well, a circle of bad self-image and bad emotions start.

Be it speaking on a topic you wish to say before your turn is there and seeming self-absorbed, to skipping to the end of a page on a book without willing yourself to because you became distracted and spoiling yourself, ADHD can cause a spiral of feeling not good enough. You want to try harder, to be better, especially for a loved one or family member who is demanding your full and undivided attention, but often find this is a battle you cannot win.

ADHD sufferers often receive a lack of compassion or understanding from those they love, and often feel the brunt of rejection, isolation, abandonment, or loneliness several times higher than that of the non-ADHD population. ADHD and suicidal behaviour share genetic risk factors and the suicide attempt rate is 9.4% compared to 1.3% in the non-ADHD population, often due to these factors listed above.”

I…can’t even bring myself to be scared yet. I’m too busy feeling disheartened and defeated. 

The most qualified candidate ever wasn’t enough to get a woman in the White House. She was defeated by the least qualified candidate ever.

Will there ever be enough? What does a woman have to do? What does a woman have to achieve to finally break this glass ceiling? 

I used to think it was a given that I would see a woman in the White House one day. But honestly…will I? 

2

on the left:

-I had pretty much given up on the idea of losing weight

-I felt really trapped in my body and in other things because of that

-I would go to multiple drive thrus on one night

on the right:

-I go for runs and enjoy them

-I love shopping and trying on clothes that I wouldn’t have worn before

-I feel 100 times better

-my confidence has skyrocketed

about 40 pounds between these 2 pictures, and a hell of a lot of sweat.  This was the best decision I ever made for myself.  To be completely honest, losing weight is much easier than people want you to believe.  Just get past the first 3 weeks and you’re golden.  

If this is going where we think it’s going, we might end up getting a scene where Robert promises Aaron he’ll visit him every day he can, and wait for him, and that he can’t wait to share his house with his husband, and Aaron biting his lip and shedding silent tears as they tell each other they love each other and Robert goes home broken and Aaron lies in a cell, with no more tears to cry, missing the place on his finger where his wedding ring used to be.

anonymous asked:

Hahaha Trump won!

I’m sorry that people who support Trump exist. I’m sorry to my mother and father who are immigrants, to my dear friends who identify lgbt+, to my Muslim classmates and friends whom I grew up with, to the vulnerable and poor whom I have devoted time volunteering to help, to young people trying to pursue higher education, to the medical community I will one day be a part of, to POC and women who face a reality that rejects and endangers them, and to myself. 

To everyone who feels afraid and helpless. You are not alone. And please never stop fighting for what is good in the world. 

If anyone disagrees with what I’ve said, please unfollow. I stand for and believe in something better than what we’ve been given. 

In Defense of the Coffee Shop AU, U.S. Election Edition

It occurs to me that we need our fiction, more than ever, to be what we think the world could be. We need aspirational fiction. What I feel like I need to do is give people a glimpse of a world that is better. Like, it doesn’t have to be like this. It can be better. And I’m not saying that there is no room for gritty realism, by all means, tell me exactly how awful it’s going to get, make me comprehend it. But what good does that do me if I feel despair and no hope and see no alternative? 

There needs to be an alternative. There needs to be a belief that the world can be better than what we’ve been given. If the only thing I can lift up to myself as a signpost of that hope is a piece of fiction, then that piece of fiction is important. It means that I can imagine something better, and if I can imagine something better, then I can try to help us get there

I am resisting the pull of my over-active imagination to write me only the dark scenario. I find myself in the wrong AU. I need to write me a better one. I want to try to write all of us a better one. And it is no mockery to think that that can start with a fluffy piece of fiction. Story-telling is how we change the world. A weird one just got told to us, the most elaborate piece of fiction I’ve ever seen, a fiction that won a presidency. We need to tell the counter-story. 

Write aspirational fiction. Write the world you want to see. It is actually important.  

I didn’t want to especially hurt myself. Or like punish. I don’t hate myself. I just wanted out. I didn’t want to play anymore is all…I wanted to just stop being conscious. I’m a whole different type. I wanted to stop feeling this way. If I could have just put myself in a really long coma I would have done that. Or given myself shock I would have done that. Instead.
—  From Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

So I just wanted to say some thoughts on recent developments with several youtubes turning out to be pretty shitty people, or at least making it way more obvious than it was in the past, such as basically anything and everything JonTron’s been saying and PewDiePie (although did anyone like him THAT much now?) 

It’s okay to have some level of nostalgia for their videos and to enjoy their old work, if that’s your cup of tea, for whatever reason. Those videos have nothing to do with their political or moral beliefs, and watching them could give you a completely different feeling from whatever you’re feeling now.

I haven’t really given a shit about PewDiePie in years, but I was a fan of JonTron. I never made myself a twitter, and I wasn’t enough of a fan to go searching his tag on Tumblr or anything to find out about the things he’d said, until a friend showed me recently and I went deeper down the rabbit hole. There are still videos of his that I enjoy, because they’ve had a lot of value to me, helping me cheer up in some really hard times. I feel betrayed that I never knew we had such wildly different beliefs, I never got that from any of his videos. He was just some guy talking about video games.

I don’t feel comfortable supporting JonTron not just because of his beliefs, but because he seems to be very defensive of them and resistant to criticism, I don’t have any confidence that he’ll change.

But if you enjoyed his content, and can still get those same feelings of comfort and joy that helped you through those hard times, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not going to enjoy Edward Scissorhands or Sweeney Todd any less because I hate Johnny Depp, and while I wont support him in the future either, this is basically my long way of saying that your feelings aren’t suddenly invalid just because you no longer agree/like the person who made something that made you feel good.

If you wanna enjoy those videos and use them to laugh off a bad day, that’s all on you, life is tough and shitty and do what makes you feel good, but it’s also important to ask yourself if you feel comfortable supporting them now. Those good memories are yours, they don’t belong to whoever hurt you, enjoy them if they still offer you comfort.

being an ambivert (intro/extrovert at the same time)...

1. I love the idea of being in social settings, meeting new people but sometimes small introductory conversations are not my cup of tea.. I end up stuttering & saying dumb shit like “I really like the shape of your head, really nice, defined..” So I’ve just given up seeking out new friendships. 


2. I’ll dead ass wake up in the morning feeling like “hummm.. this is a good day to hibernate & not to see humans, imma sleep in, pamper myself, read a book, cook, smoke myself up tonight, etc.” but by 12pm, my soul is craving a party, a  kickback or something of the sort.. 


3. I can go from binge watching Netflix for 2 days straight with an introverted friend to hitting that milly and shaking my ass at the club with a bunch of extroverts and have just about the same amount of fun with both. 


4. I can easily read people, put myself in others’ shoes and understand multiple points of views. 


5. I can do some wild, versatile shit like chop off all my hair, or dye it blue, have bodacious makeup on, dress a little out of the ordinary, perform in front of 100s of people etc. but standard conversation with strangers makes me extremely nervous/uncomfortable. 


6.I’m  Indecisive as fuck! 


7. I’m the person that will make plans with you, be hella excited to finally step out, hit the town and just have a great time but if you happen to cancel? Better believe I’mma enjoy this bed of mine just as much. I got Netflix && Hulu plus, faack you mean? 


8. I’ve questioned wether or not I’m bipolar several times. 

mermaids-indians-pirates  asked:

Hi! I don't know if you've answered this, I was wondering what was your opinion of the Netflix show, given that you have such extensive background knowledge on the actual books. Are they being loyal to the real VFD? Or are they inventing too much? I myself am a little confused about my feelings toward it. I am super interested in the VFD background they are showing us because it was my favorite part of the books. Are they being loyal to it? (in your opinion) thank you!

Hi! As other reviewers have pointed out, this is less of an adaptation than a reboot. Daniel Handler had already gone on record, several years ago, that he hadn’t incorporated any mysteries in the first 4 books because his original contract only went so far. He had no guarantee the series would be published in its entirety and didn’t want to introduce plotlines which would have to be left uncompleted. So basically he wrote the first 4 books as Chekhov’s guns and plot coupons and introduced V.F.D. later. So the Netflix show, in a way, gives us a flavor of what the plot would have looked like had Handler been “allowed” to introduce V.F.D. from the very beginning.

It’s definitely fascinating to look at the way Handler is essentially changing his own plot. For example the way Arthur Poe handles the Baudelaire parents’ will is a messy mystery in the books, but episode 2 of the Netflix show retcons Arthur’s actions in a much more satisfying manner. The only downside is that the plot is being changed in such as significant manner that the books and the show now exist in two separate continuities. We shouldn’t rely on the show to explain away the books or vice-versa.

If you’ve got persistent/chronic illnesses and/or fatigue, you have permission to be tired. You have permission to not get all the things done right now. You have your own time you do things within, and it is perfectly okay to take that time and move at your pace and rest when needed.

Even when things are going well and exciting stuff is happening! Even when you feel that now that things are taking a turn for the better, your energy and spoons should be going up too! You don’t have to recover and be full of energy automatically, you’re not lazy if you have to rest. If your bones and muscles say “nope” then it is okay for you to decide that it’s time to stop, regardless of how nice a day it is, regardless if it seems like the perfect time to do a given chore. Don’t feel obligated to spend your time on work just because you feel like you should be busy.

I am typing this to myself to make it click.

So like. I’m working hard on coping with this, and I thought some of y'all might like to know what’s helpful for me.

First of all, I have given myself permission to stop trying to make sense of this. Maybe I’ll puzzle it out when I’m feeling less raw. Maybe I’ll never really understand. For right now, I’m putting it aside. I don’t know why they did this, but it isn’t my responsibility to solve that.

Next, I’m distracting myself. Per my experience managing my anxiety, telling myself not to obsess about something isn’t going to help me not to obsess. I give myself little things to occupy my brain with. Right now I’m listening to Cabin Pressure, because it’s gentle and familiar and it’s not stressful.

Also I am working on a fix it. I don’t know if I’ll publish it any where or even finish it. It just makes me feel a little less helpless and confused. Like since I know the characters better, I can give them better lives.

Lastly, I’m trying to practice self acceptance. I am experiencing a natural response to a huge disappointment. I’m angry and sad and confused. And sometimes I’m giddy and sometimes I’m flippant and sometimes I’m anxious. I’m human. It’s not wrong for me to have these feelings.

I do have a little request. Can we try hard not to discourage each other from expressing our feelings honestly? Being honest is going to be a huge part of dealing with all of this, so please let’s try not to be disdainful of or impatient with people who are being frank about what they’re going through.

Take care, y'all. Eat, drink, get some rest. I promise it will get better.

I feel like JYP did 2pm a little dirty with their latest comeback.Don’t get me wrong I love “Promise” and the album Gentlemen’s Game. But 2pm is going off to the army soon and I feel like this was their last chance to have the spotlight but legit 2 weeks after they started their comeback JYP gave GOT7 a comeback. I love GOT7 myself but couldn’t JYP given their comeback at least a MONTH after 2pm? GOT7 has plenty years left before they head off to the army. I just wish they gave 2pm more time.

If my attempt on my life had worked I never would have seen the beauty there was still to see in life, I wouldn’t have given myself time to past the yuck and arrive at the wonderful.
Point is if you feel like you’ve had enough hold on, it’s hard and long but it is the most rewarding thing you can do.
—  B.L letters I never sent

Me: wow i can’t wait to finally get myself a girl or boyfriend in 2017! 
Me to me: even if you find someone you like you’re unable to show interest
Me to me: you’re incompatible with most people
Me to me: your standards are too high
Me to me: the thousands of fanfictions you’ve read have given you unrealistic expectations of a relationship
Me to me: you can’t hold a conversation for longer than 2 days and people interpret your lack of response as disinterest instead of the fear of failure you actually feel