before i say anything else about all my thoughts and feelings on 210…
I LOVE THAT NICOLE IS MARRIED
yes, it’s something to be talked about big time between wayhaught. yes, it’s a big ‘ol ugly secret. not technically a lie but sins of omission.. yeah yeah yeah it is what it is.
But seriously, this is something I have never witnessed be addressed in lgbt rep. It’s something I never expected to see. And it’s so personal to me.
Personal story time literally nobody asked for: I got married shortly after the repeal of DADT in Washington DC at the ripe old age of almost 20. I was young, dumb, and in the military. I was also extremely aware of the history, the battles that lead to small political victories. A lot of us were. And a lot of us did get married simply because we finally could. It was a huge deal then - not too fucking long ago.
Same thing but on a much larger scale throughout the US: after the US Supreme Court “ruled” on the federal legalization of gay marriage, a literal fuck ton of us got married just out of the sheer euphoria at the fact that we could. It was monumental for us to have this right. So, some of us (a lot of us) jumped straight (lol) for it.
Did that mean a lot of young people getting married before they were in anyway ready for marriage? yeah, big time.
I am one of those people who is still technically married just because divorce takes time. It takes a ton of time, a decent amount of money, and a significant (excruciating) toll on a twenty-something-year-old’s heart and mind.
So allow me, if you will, to paint you a picture. You’ve been watching the politics play out the entirety of your young adult life. You’ve got a girlfriend who you love. The battles so many generations before you have fought and died for have finally, slowly, painfully, been won. You partake in the victory not just for your life and your love, but in the name of those who have fought and died for this before you. The weight of this victory is not lost on you in the slightest. So you get married. A year (if that) later, it doesn’t work out. Like about half of all marriages, yours fails. But divorce is expensive. It’s approximately one trillion times harder to get divorced than it is to get married. So, a few years later, you’re still legally married. You’ve met the absolute love of your life, and you are still married. You still have a wife out there who you don’t talk to. You are not in each other’s lives, but you’ve got that title still.
That is my exact situation right now as I’m writing this. And I never thought I would see that issue on TV. It is a real issue in the LGBT (well let’s throw the blanket term “gay” on it as I’m talking about gay marriage in particular) community. A lot of us are in real, committed, loving relationships but we have actual spouses still. This is a real issue in so many of our lives. And idk if Emily meant to write this in because she is aware this issue effects a lot of us or not, but it’s amazing to me that I am seeing myself actually represented not just as a lesbian, but as a lesbian who rushed into a marriage.
If I went to the hospital right now at this moment in some near death situation, my actual wife would be called. My gf who I live with, have the happiest and best relationship I’ve ever been blessed with, and plan on marrying someday would most definitely be the one by my side, but my actual wife may show up.
Now, my gf knows about my wife. She’s still my wife. I can’t call her my ex-wife yet. Not legally. I told my gf before we even started dating about my whole situation. Yeah we’re separated. Yeah, the only time we talk is about legal stuff. But the fact remains, I am a married woman.
Now, let me add something really emotional to this picture: divorce fucking sucks. When you go for a divorce, there are certain feelings that come along with it that never go away like fucking scars. You feel like a failure. You feel stupid. You feel unlovable and dirty and shameful and guilty and like you aren’t worth it. You suddenly can’t stand being around your own friends anymore because they’re married and having kids. Everything is a reminder that you failed somehow, even when you know it’s not your fault. No matter what the reason for the divorce was, you are shattered. All the love in the world from your soulmate you might find later on doesn’t totally banish those feelings. Some days, you don’t even think about it. Some days, it hits you like a sack of bricks that you weren’t worth keeping promises to. Divorce is by far the most painful experience I’ve had, and I’ve broken a lot of bones and been through my share of disowned by family, going to sleep starving shit.
So it is not crazy at all that Nicole, who fell fast and hard for a girl she did not expect in a million years to light up her life the way she did, hasn’t found the right way to bring this thing up. Wayhaught has been together how long at this point? A few months? I’m guesstimating 4 at most? I find it hard to feel any kind of mad at Nicole for not bringing this up yet. It sucks to talk about because it hurts to you, who went through the pain of a failed marriage, and you have to consider how to not hurt the other person who loves you now with the fact that you had a commitment to another person in the past. A serious, legal one. It’s a shit position to be in. It’s a nearly unwinnable situation. And it’s one that takes time to process for the other person. There is a fat chance this marriage that isn’t valid to you anymore turns off the other person because it speaks to your flaws from a time when you were young, dumb, and reckless, and promised somebody else your love. I don’t blame Nicole at all for not bringing it up yet. Maybe that’s because I know the feeling. Maybe because like, when has there been the time for such a big discussion?
Honestly, the reason I told my gf about being married when I did, the way I did, was because I was trying to keep her from liking me. When we first met, I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I had just gotten out of one literally days before we met at a concert. Then she starting hanging out at my place because my roommate was dating her friend. I knew she liked me, so I gave her all the dirt on me: I’m married, I drink, I’m a writer, I’m broke, I’m medicated, I have a bad leg, all the negative things. “I’m married” is not a good way to start a conversation. That will keep the ladies away, usually. I mean, ultimately in my life, it was good to have all the bad things in my past out in the air, and our relationship is like the funniest, best love story I’ve ever seen.
But let’s look at life in fucking Purgatory. All the times both Nicole and Waverly have been attacked, been nearly dead, maybe been actually dead, been possessed. They fight demons. Their lives aren’t normal, and they are always in danger. Bringing up a topic like legal marriage? As someone who is married and has been separated for years, there are days I don’t even think about or remember that I’m married anymore. It’s just not something that’s part of your life when you get caught up in school/work/puppy training/what have you. It’s not something on Nicole’s mind always, I can guarantee you that. And when she does think, oh maybe I should bring this up now, something insane like oh, my girlfriend’s possessed takes precedence.
That was super long and unsolicited, but I think important. Nicole has always been an important character to me, but now exponentially more so because an issue has been addressed that does touch so many queer lives. I feel represented in a way I didn’t know I needed until I saw it tonight.
I want to say that I get why some people are mad about Nicole being married, but honestly, no. Sit down. Take a look at the community around you and real issues we deal with in our real lives. If you don’t want to see the hard part of our lives portrayed, what the hell are you talking about when you cry about wanting representation? If all you want to see women kissing and smiling, go watch porn. It’s just as realistic as this “representation” you say you want. You want positive representation, that is what we are getting in a way I feel so blessed to be witnessing. We have real characters in the media reflecting real struggles. We have a bisexual woman in a small town who is extremely apprehensive and makes rash decisions because she’s been through hell. We have a lesbian with a protector impulse which makes her prone to bad judgement calls but very good at her job, and she’s got a past that echos what so many of us lesbians living in the real world are going through. So, no, sincerely reexamine what it is you want these characters to be, because it’s not good representation. It’s fake. And it’s not doing anyone any favors.
tl;dr: Nicole is the rep of my dreams. Learn some history. Fight me.