i have a deja vu

Okay, so let me tell you why I admire Okabe Rintarou.

Number one: What a good man, I mean, what a good man. I mean, yeah, he’s a hipster tsundere chunnibyou shit, but he changed his identity on a dime to keep his best friend from succumbing to despair and fading away because he loved her just so much.

Number two: When this girl he loves so, so much is killed by Moeka, he puts himself through the wringer to save her life. What does this involve? Sending his memory back in time (which, in the VN, is revealed to be an agonizing process in itself) and watching her die again and again, but he never gives up, no matter how badly it hurts or how far he has to push himself

Number three: oh god, and he agonizes, and kills himself and blames himself over all he has to do to save Mayuri, including but not limited to basically killing Feyris’s dad and restoring Rukako to a life of gender dysphoria and he feels so bad about it, oh god, these poor children

Number four: When he finally gets the opportunity to kill Moeka, the woman who killed the most important person in his life, (in the VN Makise flat-out tells him to kill her if he has to) despite all his hate and anger he cannot bring himself to kill her. he just can’t.

Number five: when Moeka lies dying (anime: shot by Mr. Braun/ VN: stabbed by Nae), in the VN (and maybe in the anime too, its been a while since I’ve seen it) he forgives her.  He wonders in his head if he really means it or if he’s just saying it to make her feel better, but he says it. he forgives her and lets her die in relative peace, this woman who killed the most important person in his life to keep the most important person in hers, and I could go on forever about Okabe and Moeka’s parallels, but I’ll just leave it by saying that Okabe is such a better person than I am, because I would have killed her with my own two hands and held that festering hate from the womb to the tomb

Number five: he realizes that he loves Makise, and he still sacrifices her for Mayuri because Oh God it hurts and this is such a horrible decision and in the VN it was so hard to watch him realize and debate with himself, because fate has dictated that he can’t have them both and oh my god my son my beanpole son

Number six: He does it and she dies and he tries to move on, but he gets a chance to save her. And he tries and he fails and he almost gives up for the guilt, but Mayuri helps him. And he is broken and sad and traumatized, but he picks himself up with Mayuri’s help and he tries again

Number seven: this new attempt ends up with himself getting stabbed. and he is standing there with a knife in his stomach and the woman he loves alive and well- and he stuns her, and digs into his own wound to provide enough blood to fool his past self and save them all and oh god then he waits around to make sure it worked when he’s bleeding out and in agonizing pain

Number eight: after all this happens, he has pins made and invites all his friends to be parts of the lab- even Moeka. He has been through so much and caused them all such pain, but he’s doing his best to make it right with the tools he has been given, and oh my son I die


Number ten: the movie, ok, when he says that all he ever wanted was for kurisu and mayuri to be safe and it really doesn’t matter whether he fades from existence or not now i’m crying help

I just love Okabe Rintarou ok, he’s such a good and forgiving man

Is it a common schizo thing to have really intense deja vu? I’m not talking like ‘hey I just saw a cat I’ve seen a cat on this street before wow’ but like,, intense “I’ve been here before this has happened before” type of thing? In this exact building doing this exact thing thinking the same thing with the same story/journey/how I got here/ leading up to it. I dunno insight would be wonderful

~ i wanna sleep but i keep thinking about how my life is gonna whisk by and im just another speck in the worlds timeline~

Just Let It Go

New day after a yesterday of personal pettiness & bitterness, just “let it go” is the motto of today.

I was having several weird deja vu moments yesterday that were just flashbacks of less happy times last year, it had a weird effect of just making me more annoyed at the day than I should have been.

Something I haven’t mentioned as much is this trip was planned nearly a year ago with Atticus, which trip planning was one of our biggest sources of contention & caused so many of our dumb fights. Trip plans were never a discussion, he booked both of us for exactly what he wanted & he always ignored my work schedule or plans.

I am aware what a first world problem this is, but his trip plans caused a lot of issues with my work deadlines & led to several of my mini meltdowns last year. He always felt bad when I would break down crying, but he also never learned to try to work with me or listen when it came to planning anything.

Obviously we aren’t doing the trip together & I didn’t want to cancel a trip I had already paid for, but after spending nearly 2 weeks on this Chicago it just reminds me so much of him & yesterday was just the breaking point of remembering how much he could get under my skin when we were together.

He booked a 17 hour flight on one of my few days off of work when the flight should only be 10-12 hours & I will land 2 hours before I have to start my work shift, while I am someone willing to pay a bit extra for less air travel time. He booked a private room in Chicago hostel because it was cheaper & I’ve had 10 days of restless sleep on a bunk bed with the most uneven mattress possible. He booked a 2 week trip while I had begged for it to be 3 weeks because I knew I would be stressed between working, trying to schedule all doctor appointments I needed & catching up with friends.

So here I am upset because I know I will not get to see some of my closest friends before I leave, I still haven’t been able to get all my physical therapy done, I’ve only been sleeping 3 hours a night at most because I’ve had so much to do. I am still so annoyed & angry that Atticus can manage to make me this irrationally upset when he isn’t even here.

Atticus isn’t a bad person, we were just too different of people & life together required both of us to compromise ourselves too much to be together. Yet this entire trip is reviving every tiny, annoying trait of his that bothered me & it has made me feel so petty.

I also had a few pieces of camping equipment stored at his parents’ house that I had to retrieve. It was made easier that Atticus wasn’t there & his parents are ever cordial people, but I had to deal with his mother awkwardly crying because “she missed me” & she started asking really uncomfortable questions like if I initiated the breakup because he didn’t ever propose.

It does feel good to finally have my “affairs in order” & I can move on to the next chapter. I don’t really plan on dating for probably the next few years because who can honestly start a strong foundation for a long term relationship when one of the halves is aimlessly traveling all the time?

Also, it will be a long time before I would ever consider traveling with a significant other, that PTSD is still strong!


Venting emotions and thoughts

Also, whenever I write something that I particularly like, I can’t help but have a deja-vu feeling. Then I end up thinking, whether or not these are my own thoughts or I just read/have seen something similar way back somewhere, sometime…. and I monopolized the image/word. Especially the last page - I don’t know whether I heard some similar poem or not so if anyone has a clue, feel free to tell me!

This is my personal image of Pitou’s relationship to the whole matter. I think the manga was pretty clear about it but I will respect if you disagree. Pitou is hugely misunderstood in my opinion so I keep thinking about this stuff, sigh.

anonymous asked:

Ever since I was little, I would have extreme moments of deja vu. Like, to the point where I think to myself, "I've literally done this before. I dreamed about it." Is there a name for that? I don't want to say I'm psychic but I feel like there's something there.

Clairvoyance :)

(Requested by @frigginmepho! I hope you like it! Thank you for your request! Are these okay? XDD I hope so) 

Mephisto’s Tumblr Anon Messages to the True Cross Students (and One Teacher): 


“I have this unbelievable feeling of deja vu looking at your selfies? Its like I SWEAR ive met you before but im 97% sure i havent. this is very weird and i just thought id tell you. anywayy hope ur having a good time of it & doing well, bye!!”


“Are you really 15? You look 23″


“Has anyone ever told you that you’re going to be literally the cutest old lady ever? Cause you’re already super cute & old ladies just kinda exemplify their previous cuteness and become cuteness overlords over time”


“how tall r u with no shoes but also with your mohawk”


“You are the human version of a lovely bird”




“You have cute hair & only one dimple <3″