i hated him and then i loved him

sinsofnatureao3  asked:

Hey Sanzu, I'm not sticking round too long in the ask since you have probably more questions to answer... I'm a huge introvert so I don't usually tolerate too many people. I just stick to one or two friends. So... Yeah... If the others are getting too overwhelming for any reason, like you're too frustrated or something, you can chill with me since i would end up zoning out or listen to music, so I would leave you in peace. Also... You're cool. Sorry this ended up being longer than planned...

* I’ve seen you around.

* When I first saw you, I didn’t like you.

* But now that I know you better, 

* I hate you.

“Optimism will hurt you.” I try to remind myself. Negativity felt like home, “anything that can go wrong will go wrong,” till i decided to abandon home, and try and find myself somewhere else. “But if you expect the worst, you won’t be surprised about bad things.” I’m the bad thing. So i tell myself, “no matter how deep you swim, there is no treasure waiting.” But i want to walk into the water and into nothingness, except the depth of the ocean. You are the ocean. I say, “hide me in between your waves,” but, i’m scared, so i only go knee high. “Jesus Christ, come on in,” don’t let me in, i might pour love in the wrong place. I’m afraid of your tumultuous roars, and the way you don’t call me home. “I’ll just sit here,” maybe that’s why i don’t let people in, “listen, i hear music,” it sounds like the way you sigh when we touch. No, no, that’s lame, nevermind, let’s go, “you’re a flower,” not a root, and, my man, i’m afraid when Autumn comes, you won’t be sure what to do.

Sorry about not putting up more listings! I ran out of spoons when my mom called to tell me my uncle had been missing for three days and they suspected the worst. He’s been suffering with depression and has a lot of hard drug use in his past. I spent the rest of my night throwing together an impromptu spell. This was one of the rare instances where I left a candle burning all night unsupervised.

Today I woke up drained at like 11, but my uncle has been found safe, no other details yet but it’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I’m gonna resume stuff a little later. Also will thank the beautiful babes who bought things!

i acted like it wasn’t a big deal, when really it was breaking my heart.

Day 17