i hate you so much for making me like her kristina

I Only Want To Say...  -Jesus, “Gethsemane”, from Jesus Christ Superstar




I had the opportunity of a lifetime to meet Sam and Caitriona in NYC on September 30th. They are absolutely luminous in person - both physically and, I don’t want to sound like a hippie or anything, but spiritually.  They just glow with beauty from the inside.

But I almost didn’t get there.  The weekend before, the weekend of the first ever MPC Gathering (September 22nd-24th),  which should have been a joyous meeting of people from all over the world, was filled with anxiety and in some cases, downright fear for me.  Two things were happening simultaneously that weekend:  I was being stalked by a fellow peaker, with all my actions being reported to arguably the biggest troll in the fandom. And because of lies spread by that same troll and others of his ilk, the organizers of the NYC event were threatening to take away my ticket because other people on the guest list/the organizers believed the lies that were told about me and complained about my presence.     

These lies have been told about me for years; lies, given their source and vehement repetition, have become accepted as truth over time. I can’t prove a negative. I can only say who I am and what I have done.

STALKING AND BREACH OF PRIVACY

The first issue - stalking - I was followed to a dinner, information that was only available to fellow peakers in a private group, information that was shared on public social media.  I was watched at all the MPC events and my “behavior” and whereabouts again were reported.  Sharing of information from the private MPC Facebook group is against the rules and grounds for immediate removal.

One of my posts from the private, official MPC Facebook group was screen capped and shared - again a violation of trust as a peaker and very much against the rules.  This post was used to spread lies about me allegedly deleting things because I was “afraid I’d let too much information out” or something of the like. 


I have emailed the information about the stalking and sharing of information from MPC to Jordana Brown and Alex Norouzi with no response.  I have also contacted them in private message.  I sent a group message this morning; only John Valbonesie replied.  Jordana has re-posted the Facebook rules, adding verbiage about bullying, but as of the time of her post, both Caroline Spencer and Melanie Leopold were still members of the group.

I also contacted the police about the stalking, as well as my lawyer.  For now, we are holding the information and waiting. 

EDINBURGH AND PRINTING

The post that was shared from the private MPC Facebook group referred to a visit I made to Edinburgh which included a paper making class.  I booked my class through her public website.  I know other fans who have done just what I did, have bought works from her or commissioned pieces.  I paid and learned about/made paper.  We never talked about Sam or Outlander.  Why?  Because it wasn’t appropriate or relevant to what we were doing.  

I had a delightful afternoon with another lady, learning about and making some beautiful paper.  As an artist, I was fascinated to learn a new expressive form, especially visual.  I will treasure those pieces beyond any souvenir I’ve ever bought because I made them with my own hands. 

N.B. - it is GlasGow not Glascow, cattle being few and far between in the city

In the Tumblr post above - which includes my post from the MPC Facebook page (my words, my post, my property, so I’m not breaking rules by sharing it)  - multiple references are made as to why I would be in Edinburgh.  I have gone to the capital several times each time I’ve been to Scotland, it’s a beautiful city, with so much history and so many things to see.  Bloodwise Scotland is there (not in GlasGow).  Ailsa Aitkenhead, my collaborative pianist for my concert, teaches at the university and so we rehearsed there. Additionally, I don’t think I need to justify where I go on holiday to anyone nor do I need to confine myself to one city.

NEVER HAVE I EVER

I can’t recall all the lies that have been told about me over the years.  Obviously I was accused of stalking Sam and his mother on my recent trip.  More recently I’ve been accused of having a Tumblr dedicated solely to posting daily hate directed towards Sam and Caitriona.  This lie was so ingrained in the fandom that I had to talk to Bloodwise on the phone to clear the air, lest they pull all support of my fundraisers (they are still hesitant to support me on twitter because of a certain, well-known, blue check troll)  

This (flutefantasy) is my only Tumblr account; as you can see, it’s not very active.  

But for a moment, let’s talk about the things I have NOT done

N’er have I e’er

  • Followed Sam in an airport taking pictures of his ass while he shopped for magazines   
  • Stood over him on a plane while he sleeps   
  • Almost drowned at Blackness Castle trying to see him filming   
  • Got hurt at Dunure Harbor trying to see him filming   
  • Climbed trees 10 feet above the wall at Dysart Harbor, which in turn is 30 feet above the water, to take pics of filming  (and I was in Scotland during the filming of those scenes)    
  • Grabbed Sam’s ass, kissed him on the lips, had him sign a body part or gotten a tattoo of his name or image    
  • Threatened to punch Sam or otherwise cause him bodily injury because I thought he wasn’t paying enough attention to me 
  • Hung out (for hours/days) where he supposedly lives and is known to shop, eat, etc, in the hopes of seeing him (this happened as recently as September 2017 even though Sam wasn’t in Scotland)

In 2015 I happened on the filming at Deanston Distillery.  I was on a tour with my friend Kristina, led by Steve McLeish of Outlandish Journeys.  We had just left Doune Castle and saw the filming signs. We followed them to the village.   I saw the drivers and gave them gifts I had for them and the cast. The cast were busy filming.   I was the only fan there. I could have had exclusive access. Did I wait for hours for them to finish? No. Because I was on a custom tour and wasn’t going to waste hundreds of dollars or time in Scotland sitting around and possibly not even get to see them.  Feel free to contact Steve on twitter and confirm this.

FINAL THOUGHTS 

You make up lies about me left right and center. You pass them off as scripture and people believe them, to my detriment. You know you are lying.

I have donated, done concerts (at my own expense) tweeted about and taken part in fundraisers for all Sam and Caitriona’s charities. I tweet weekly love for Sam and Cait. I fully support them, their careers and their charities. I believe their personal lives are their business, not ours. 

I don’t engage with trolls and haters. I post and interact with my friends.  I mind my own business.  You seek me out to bully and harass me.  I have most of you blocked.  Yet my social media is screen capped and I seem to be a constant topic of conversation.  My social media is all positivity, humor, animals, Outlander and some politics. What does your social media look like? Hate and ridicule and lies 

 NOTE - All of these tweets/accounts, and more besides going back years have been reported over and over again by me and others, to no avail.  

Have I done/said things I regret?  In this fandom or in life in general?  Yes.  Anyone who says otherwise is a liar or living in a fantasy.  I’ve made amends where I can and live with the things I can’t.  

In line at the NYC event, I was next to a couple of ladies.  We talked for about 30 minutes waiting to get in.  At one point, one of the ladies said “I hear one of those nasty shippers is here tonight. I won’t say names but she plays the flute”.  I thought for a second if I should say anything or let it be.  I looked her in the eyes and said that was me.  She didn’t believe it.  It took a few minutes of convincing because she was sure the “flute shipper” was a crazy person and I was so nice and normal.  Then she said she had met other people in the fandom who had “reputations” and they were also nice and normal and not at all like what social media portrays them to be.  I found this to be such a relief.  

The only sour note (sorry for the pun) was that she left me with this comment, and I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember her exact words “well just behave so that I can tell others you aren’t what they say”.  (I later learned that she attacked me on twitter the following week.  I was told this by others, as it turns out she has me blocked.)  

Behave? Am I recalcitrant toddler? Do I or any other member of this fandom need to have my actions monitored for appropriateness?  

That right there I think is one of the issues in this fandom.  If you don’t “behave” according to what one group thinks is acceptable, then you are crazy, delusional, awful, stalker, etc.  Sadly I got a lot of dirty looks throughout the night in NYC.  The organizers made sure that I was ok and happy.  I am grateful to them for that.  But I wonder if Caitriona and Sam know the true depths of pettiness and hatred they were in the midst of that Saturday night.  Do you realize that the things you accuse me of are not only things I haven’t done but are actually true of you? 

ADDENDUM

Jordana has finally responded to me tonight - after I made a public post in the MPC Facebook group.  She refuses to enforce her own rules and remove the two people who shared my information in a willful and malicious act, not an accidental or innocent share.  She states she will talk to one of the two of them but that is all.  I have to wonder if Shatner has some influence here. 

I think it’s time to accept that DR Music doesn’t want Alex to be in BP Rania

“They are obviously trying to get her out of the group by making the experience so awful for her that she’d leave on her own instead of just biting the bullet and firing her”

I mean, from the beginning it was clear that they hired Alex because she was a non-Asian foreigner and they wanted to exploit that because international fans love seeing themselves in k-pop. That’s typical and has honestly been a center-piece of the company’s rudimentary promotional skills from Rania’s inception. And Rania is a group that has more ex-members (who’ve left precisely because the company ain’t shit) than it has members. So it shouldn’t be surprising that the company would hire a black girl and use her blackness and foreign-ness to get attention without caring at all about her actually being an integrated member of the group. But I’m still kinda shocked at how horrible this company is.

Keep reading

Week One: Ladies In Red!

Nick, your franchised Bachelor is back for his 434th chance at love. 

“Stop trying to make Nick happen, he is never going to happen.”

Originally posted by yahooentertainment

Well, in a strange turn of events Nick has a clear shot to make it to hometowns because he gets to hand out the roses himself. 

We kickoff the season with Nick reading a list of his imperfection and the first bachelor highlight reel of failure. 

TIME FOR ADVICE

We get a blast from the past with three former bachelors that all came to tell Nick how much America hates him. Chris, Ben, Sean and Nick sit around sip their glasses of Fireball while they talk strategy for how to make America believe you are looking for love. 

To sum up the convos… “Nick, stop being the slimy, doucher that you have been through three different seasons”

HERE COME THE LIMOS

Rachel - The dancing attorney is the first in with the red dress! 

Danielle L. - She opened up her first nail salon at 23?! 

Tits out for the boys! “My sister picked the dress out” “Good for your sister”

Venessa - The Italian Stallion.  

Josephine - The naughty nurse, cat lady looks like she has a couple screws loose. This girl better stick around for a couple weeks because she bout to ramp up the ratings. 

Raven - That’s soooo Raven, it’s the trailer park I can see! This season is filled with successful business owners, this must be the new Trump America. 

Corinne - We are three seconds into the interview and we find out that she talks about herself in the third person, “runs” a multimillion dollar company and still has a babysitter. 

Hands Nick his first hug Fuck token! 

Alexis - Jersey Shore meets ABC. “He needs to love dolphins or this isn’t going to work out” (But dressed in a shark costume) 

Originally posted by usedpimpa

Danielle M. - Another nurse… who cares.

And she brings maple syrup so she can finger his mouth.

Taylor - A mental health counselor on the Bachelor… are you working or participating? She apparently blames the fact that she had no friends on her mixed race, not because she is probably a judgmental bitch. 

Tells Nick that her friend thinks that he’s a fuckboy… Good start. 

Elizabeth (Liz) - The girl that claims that she shot Nick down after fucking him at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Big drama night one… When are we going to have a season where it’s all the Bachelor’s one night stands?! ABC I’ll be in touch. 

Annnnd Nick doesn’t remember her. Dude must fuck. 

Elizabeth 2 - Coming in hot with the TuTu! 

Christen - “How crazy do you think I am right now…? Well let me turn those thoughts into a reality!”

Kristina - Girl with accent we won’t need to pay much attention to. 

Angela - “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t you…” The line she had ready for anyone she saw out of the limo. 

Lauren - The other half of Team #DisgustingSlut - wedding hashtag of the year. 

Michelle - Lemons into lemonade, -_-

Ida Marie - An unforgettable name and a very forgettable first impression. 

Olivia - Brings the fireeeee with the fur jacket. 

Sarah - Leave it to the grade school teacher for the 2nd grade runner-up joke.

Jasmine G. - G.?!?!?! That means we have multiple Jasmines……. But she drops the Neil Lane. 

Dominique - This girl is about to have some opinions, ABC will keep her around.   

Hailey - I’m not wearing underwearrrrrr 

Originally posted by mogifire

Astrid - This is like the United Nations of Bachelor. 

Jaimi - “You have some balls, and I do too…” 

Great opening line to not only Nick, but the entire house. 

Briana - This girl looks like she wants not only listen to his heart, but also remove it and eat it. 

Susannah - A beard message. Ok. 

Brittany - Finger in the butt!

Jasmine B. - The other Jasmine 

Whitney - Minnesota blah blah blah

Lacey - Say hump again… hump. 

Chris Harrison knows how to stir that Bachelor pot with the “I noticed you looked at one of those girls differently.” 

Nick: “Yeah I think I met one at Jade and Tanner’s wedding”

Chris H.: “YOU KNOW ONE OF THE GIRLS?! Tell me more about it”

——

“There is a debate in the house, is she a shark or a dolphin?” Answer: She’s a psychopath. 

——

Now that the girls are all in the house and the fact that they are wearing red dresses has been established (and unnoticed by Nick), we can let the games begin. 

Drink every time Nick says “incredible dress” annnnnd you’re dead. 

Corrine with the nanny, is already standing out as the stalker (Free of tokens). She is making a strong play for this season’s Olivia casting slot. This girl is fun at parties.

Is there anything better than the “These girls are used to being pursued, not pursuing…” quote. They look pretty damn good at it though. Let the vino flowwwwww. 

The Sharknado has been let loose on the house and she has the makings of the one who doesn’t get to see the rose ceremony written all over her, her sisters will be proud. 

Nick: “What is with the shark costume”
Alexis: “I love dolphins, I even love the Miami Dolphins”
Nick: “…But it’s a shark costume”
Alexis: “Oh you’re smooth”

#Smooth

——-

Nick gets to face off with his wedding fuck, and she had the upper hand, until she didn’t.  Just panic, cry and say you’re pregnant. 

Game over. 

——- 

First impression rose anxiety seems to have finally set in on the house and there is no Xanax in sight because it appears that Danielle M. has downed a whole bottle that she swiped from the hospital. 

Rachel gets pulled aside by Nick and presented by the first impression rose. There’s one for the red dress mafia. Let the insecurities and tears wyle out! 

ROSE CEREMONY

Cut the bullshit speech Nick, it’s your turn start breaking hearts. 

“I’m shaking, I hate this, I’m just trying to hold my shit together” … Bitch it’s day one! 

Christina: “This is so hard, you leave home for this and you think to yourself was it worth it, what is this all for.” 
Nick: Christina.
Christina: “This is meant to be, I was never questioning him.” 

Will Liz make it through, did she miss her chance!? 
Chris: “Ladies this is the final rose tonight” 

Nick got his nut and Liz got her rose. A bunch of ladies walk out that we will look at during the reunion and say: “Who the fuck is that again?” 

Until next week. 

@curiouskrispy always talks about how I helped her, but she doesn’t know how much she has helped me. I’m at a really bad time in my life right now, I feel broken because I can’t express emotion, I couldn’t cry this morning even when a regular person would. I live with someone who resents everything I am and everything I support, and she has made me feel loved when I felt unloved and hated myself. I love her so much and I feel like I would die without her. I never thought I would feel love strong enough to call them the love of my life, but I truly believe she is. I heard somewhere that a strong relationship isn’t built on the emotion of love, that something as fleeting as an emotion can’t be the basis for something so inportant. Love is a choice, you must always choose to make it work with the person, that is why arranged marriages work. Kristina, I will always choose you, I always say that I hate people. But I could never hate you. You are the reason I want to learn to drive, (I’m terrified, but if I don’t, we won’t meet as soon as possible), I love you.

I choose you

Storm of life

This is the third chapter. I think it’s relatively longer than the first two. I really hope you enjoy this. Thanks for the positive comments on the previous chapters, I’ve made sure I read all of your messages to Kristina. While reading this, I was listening to Camila’s “De mi”. Just saying. Enjoy it guys


He sat by her doorway, as Taylor refused to open the door despite his knocking and begging. The sheets of rain kept falling viciously on his drained body, but he didn’t seem to mind. Adam couldn’t move, he couldn’t bring himself on his feet and find shelter. But most importantly, he couldn’t leave. Usually, stormy nights are full of panic and fright. But, to him, that stormy night was full of self destruction.

The streams of tears falling down his cheeks were in sync with the sheets of rains falling on him. After months of pretending he was fine and over it, that night his feelings had gotten very overwhelming, he could no longer control them. A series of flashbacks would come back in high tides, and he was not sure whether it was the sound of his heart being shattered in pieces, or the loud cracking sound of the thunder that was shaking him up. He closed his eyes tight and the flashback began…

A knock on the studio door, distracted him from work. And a huge smile appeared on his face when he saw her walk in. “Hello baby,” Taylor said in that soft, smothering voice of hers as she walked beside him, planting a gentle kiss on his lips. She was wearing a beautiful jumpsuit, showing just the right amount of skin on her chest and the locket. She was wearing the locket he gave him.

“Hey babe, you look beautiful”  he pulled her in, making her sit on his lap. Adam couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Certainly, couldn’t keep his hands to himself either. Her cherry red lipstick made her lips look so irresistible to him.

Taylor looked into his eyes, blushing. “Oh Adam, come on” she looked away, smiling big. He had that effect on her. Maybe it was because she felt sincerity in his words, or maybe because nobody had made her feel this way before. Before the things would get too intense, she got out her phone in order to show him a few photos.

“I mean it, kitten.” He was whispering as he leaned his face down on the crock of her neck kissing gently.

That caused her to bite her lip, she most definitely had seen this coming. Taylor tried to play it cool, looking back at him raising her eyebrow. “Wiles, focus here. I’m trying to show you a few things.” While she was going through kid’s nursing rooms. “I’ll have dinner tonight with two of my house designers friends, who are gonna help us decorate boo’s room and the house we just bought, baby” she explained.

But he wasn’t man to give up easily. “Are you sure you can’t have this meeting some other night?” gripping on her thigh, he went on kissing on her neck.

The passion was building up as Taylor unwillingly fluttered her eyes shut and tilted her head to the side allowing him more space, and took her hand back on his hair, biting her lip harder than before. “Mm…I mean…um…if you’ll help me dress up this time, I might as well find an excuse for getting late”

“I give you my word I will help you, kitten” running his fingers through her hair, he brought her face near his as he attacked her lips passionately, to which she replied with the same passion and intensity.

Lightning flashed across the sky. He covered his face with his hands. Not because the light was too much, but because he could no longer hold in his suppressed sadness and desperation and it was flowing out of him. The demons on his head, raging and taking over. He stopped taking in, he would just exhale devastation. The high tide brought to surface all the words they yelled so loud, but meant so little.

A knock on her door. Music being played inside, he knew she was there. He knocked again. She was mad, he knew it. He wanted to be there, he wished she knew that. . She was ignoring him, despite knowing he hated that. This time he banged on her door .At last, she got it. Holding a glass of wine, she hadn’t taken her dress still off. Adam could tell she was tipsy, again tonight. But clearly not by the wine on her glass, the sorrow in her heart instead.

“Oh, look who’s here. My boyfriend. My amazing boyfriend, Adam” in her most sarcastic tone, Taylor said as he walked in. “You’re a bit late though, baby. The show is already over.”

“Why weren’t you getting the door? And stop fucking drinking” he took the glass away from her hands and put it on the table.

“Are we gonna have a fight about this now, baby? I mean because of course me not getting the door on time for your majesty is reason enough for us to fight, but you not appearing on the most important night of my life isn’t. Sure. Logic” he could tell the deep sadness in her voice, sadness she tried to hide through her sarcasm. It was her self defense mechanism.

“No Taylor, we’re not gonna fight about this. I was just asking.” Adam walked to her, gently rubbing her back. “Babe, you know I’m the proudest of you but I don’t like putting my relationship on full display like that. Taylor, all attention would be on us. You deserved your job only to be talked about tonight.”

She walked away from him. Tears building up, as she was shaking her head in disbelief. “Sure. Sure. You’re so great with justifying yourself, finding the perfect excuses.” Turning around and meeting his gaze, she took a deep breath as the words sounded more mad than she expected them to, but that didn’t stop her. “I wasn’t asking you to walk the red carpet with me. I was just asking you to be there, with me. With my family. It wasn’t aired on TV, we wouldn’t have cameras blasted on our faces recording every second and over analyzing every movement. I just need you there. Okay, I got it why you wouldn’t come at the Met gala with me. But tonight? Adam tonight I needed you there.”

“Well, what do you want me to say Taylor? This is who I am. I mixed up my professional and personal life once and it ended being the worst mistake of my entire life. I don’t want it to happen again.” He was sorry. Deep down he knew the reason why he didn’t go were their problems. He knew he wasn’t good at faking smiles. But he was happy for her. He loved her. He really did.

“Do you even hear what I’m saying? I just wanted you there. I wasn’t asking you to get on stage with me, to present me with the award or walk the red carpet. I just needed you by my side on the biggest night of my career. You can’t bring up your past mistakes Adam because I put aside all of my fears and doubts aside for you. ” tension was building up, you could tell that by how harsh and cold her voice has turned.

“I don’t understand the reason of this whole fight now, okay? You’re turning this bigger than it is. Why don’t we talk about how you always want things to happen your way? You didn’t want me at the Grammy’s with you because you had already asked Selena to be your date. You were fine when I told you I wouldn’t come with you in NY for Met gala and when you came back..oh baby, when you came back you couldn’t care less I hadn’t been with you”

“Because I understood when you said fashion isn’t your thing but…”

He interrupted her, with dark empty eyes he was looking right back into hers “No. Because you had gotten your revenge then. I didn’t come to NY with you and you fucking spend the night grinding away with that dude and made sure your friends were recording, or isn’t it so, Taylor?”

“You’re never going to let that go, are you? Like fuck Adam, FUCK,” she screamed bloody murder at him “This was supposed to be the fucking happiest night on my life and you made sure every minute of it would be ruined. Just stop okay? If you’re here to fight, just fuck off. Take all of your things and get out of here.” She turned her back on him, walking towards her stairs. She wouldn’t give him the pleasure of seeing her vulnerable and crying, as she made sure wiping every tear away from her cheeks.

“Oh yeah, I forgot what was next. You playing the victim. For fucks sake, Taylor, time to build a fucking bridge and grow the fuck up” he wasn’t having any of it anymore.

“Fuck you” she yelled on top of the stairs and threw her shoe at him, but missed . Instead , it hit the frame on the wall. ‘You’ve successfully buried yourself inside my head’ was the last thing he read before the frame fell on the floor. The sound of the glass crashing and getting shattered into thousands of pieces filled the room, as she was saw him opening the door to leave brought her to her knees. She sat on the last stair, crying, sobbing out her fear of being left alone, defeated, heart wrecked, she begged him to stay “Stay…please”

He hated watching her cry. Fuck, he hated knowing he was the reason she was crying. Something would break inside of him every time he’d see her sad and crying. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t turn his back on her and leave. He closed the door, turned around and started walking towards her, up the stairs. She was holding her head on her hands and as much as she tried to hold it in, she failed. Silent tears streaming down her cheeks, within each tear he’d find himself drowning.

He sat down with her, wrapping his strong arms around her in a warm, gentle hug. As he rested his head on hers, pulling her in closer, she melted in his arms, burying her face in his neck. He hated himself for hurting her, but she could shake him up like one another. They stayed like that for a few good minutes, taking one another’s scents in. God, she loved that. She loved him. Her mouth would yell the harshest lies, but her tongue would scream the longing for tasting his again. She just needed to feel his love. She needed to know nothing had changed. She needed him to make love to her, with the same insatiable passion and anger he opened the door to leave. She wanted to feel the reason why he stayed.

Running his fingers through her hair, he planted a kiss on her cheek. “I’m sorry” he said as he looked into her broken eyes, realizing he’d rather apologize than lose her. He could no longer control his hands, as they started grazing through her body while his lips attacked hers feeling them tremble in his burning passion. Her mind melted, her soul was screaming trust, her body was submitting to him, as she lets out a deep, sincere moan “I need you, Adam”.

That’s all it took for him to take her in his arms, own her. Have her. Make love to her over and over again. It was in cases like this where he understood that to love means to be vulnerable. He never dared to give that much of himself to anyone, but he loved her. Loved her beyond logic and reason, beyond limits and mistakes. He loved her, despite he hated being vulnerable. Times like these when their bodies did all the talking, he felt strong in his vulnerability.

Adam couldn’t feel his body. The numbness was intense enough to have become painful. He was cold and soaking wet. His jeans were clinging to his skin in all the wrong places, and his button down shirt was dripping with extra weight he didn’t need right now. He had toed off his shoes and socks at some point after he had been left alone, but as his feet scrabbled and occasionally brushed against the concrete floor he found himself questioning the logic of that choice. He was trying to control the trembling from the cold. Although his immune system was strong enough to fight diseases, he knew he wouldn’t get out of this lightly. He didn’t know what time was it, but he knew he had stayed there for a few good hours. “She hates storms..she…she’d afraid of loud thunders, - raising his voice in hopes she’d hear through the wind howling – but I’m here baby….I’m….here”. Pieces of broken flashbacks took over, as he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

“I love you” she swore, looking deep into his eyes.

“Forever” he promised, locking their gazes.

-

“I’m sorry.” she said, walking out of his house for the last time.

“It’s okay, I knew this would be over soon.” Holding himself together, daringly meeting her gaze.

-

“How are you?” a cold text, he had received that Monday morning.

“As if you fucking care” he replied back, in the afternoon despite having read it minutes after he got it.

-

“What did you do that? You know all of my fears and insecurities” she was yelling on the other side of the phone.

“You know what? Fuck you and your fears and insecurities. Just go fuck yourself” he hung up on her, throwing his phone away.

He could feel his body temperature rise up, his body started shutting down. A couple of tears streamed down his cheeks, he couldn’t understand why was his heart still aching now? His weary soul had finally laid his armor down and he felt himself resting.

*

“Oh my god, Adam” She couldn’t believe her eyes, running to him. He was sat there, back against the walls, his long legs outstretched, head tilted to the side. “He didn’t leave. He stayed.” Caressing his cheek, she could feel them sizzling hot. Looking back at  her bodyguard “Brandon, please send one of the boys to buy 2 packs of Tylenol. Please hurry”

Gently stroking his cheeks, she could feel his beard brush against her palms. From this close, she could notice the freckles on his nose. His dirty blonde hair falling on his forehead, were wet making it appear darker. “Adam…Adam wake up” she spoke softly. “Ba…umm…Adam” she tried again, planting a gently kiss of his cheek. His eyelids fluttered weakly , unable to open fully in his continued struggle to awaken. But he kept trying to force his eyes open. After opening them halfway, he met her gaze. He didn’t know if he were dreaming,but those dreamy blue like the beautiful still ocean after a raging storm eyes made him warm, made him feel home again where everything is quaint. “Taylor..” he reached out, caressing her cheek smiling at her, brushing his thumb off her bottom lip.

God, how much she loved when his bright evergreen forest green eyes would stare deep into hers, lovingly. She had missed his touch, these morning sleep soaked eyes, that dream drenched voice. She tried to fight it hard, but she loved this man. She came to realization that she never stopped loving him. “Adam, - smiling at him -…you’re soaking wet. And you have temperature. Please get up and come inside. I’ll prepare a nice warm tea and soup, one of the guys went to buy the medication. Can you get up or should I call Brandon?”

He looked around. His face was burning hot, his body too but his soaking wet clothes, had made him stiff and his muscles sore. He hadn’t moved at all, his entire body was numb. Trying to remember what exactly had happened last night, running his finger through his hair. “I spend the night outside because you…-looked at her, almost accusing her through his eyes – you didn’t let me in.”

“No, no. I thought you had left. I..i just couldn’t talk or think straight last night, Adam and I hadn’t noticed the storm coming and I thought you had left. I swear, if I had known you were sat here, I would of let you in” it sounded like an excuse but it really wasn’t. He would always leave, she thought it was the case this time too.

He stood up. Under other circumstances, he wouldn’t be able to but now, when everything was getting clearer and anger was building up, he did stand up. Looking at her with his eyebrows together “I banged on your door. Storm started just a few minutes after you shut the door to my face, and I kept banging.”

“No, I swear I just…look, I’m really sorry. Please come in, I’ll take care of you. Look…” you could see guilt and regret in her eyes, truthfulness in her voice and vulnerability in her gaze.

If god were real, he would swear he put them all of the stars in her eyes. That’s how bright they were shining in sincerity, warming him up everything inside of him. But, in that exact moment, he couldn’t control his sharp tongue. “I can take care of myself, Taylor. Just like I always did.”

That felt like a knife twisted right in her heart. She knew what he meant. He would never forgive her for letting him all alone, after the accident. She went to see him 2 days later, but it wasn’t because her love had faded. It was because of that text. “I…” no, right now isn’t the right time to bring that up Taylor, he’s tired – she thought. “Um…don’t – go, she wanted to beg him to stay. Instead she said – Adam, don’t be stubborn. Please come in. You can’t even drive, you’re barely standing. Look, just have a bath and I’ll prepare you a soap and then you can leave. Please”.

He was too stubborn to pay attention to what she was saying. It was the second time he needed her, vulnerably needed her and he knew she’d take advantage of that. It was the second time she had left him alone. Well, this time around he didn’t want her to take care of her. She shut the door in his face, when he made another step toward reconciliation, but she had chosen her pride. Shaking his head, he was now walking towards the front gate.

“Adam..no please, just…” now she understood how much it hurts. How much it hurts watching someone leave. How much it hurts holding words in. She understood now that hate isn’t the opposite of love, indifference is. His words would kill her, but the sight of his back walking away was cutting her open. And it hit her hard, it was now or never.

“Okay. You want the truth? You’ll have it. Truth is I fucked up. I hurt you and I killed myself, and I fucked up. Yes, I danced with Tom that night because I was mad you didn’t come and I knew you’d find out and I knew you’d hate it. Yes, I drank my pain away and kept dancing with him and each time he’d pull me in, I was disgusted with myself. Because I wanted your hand on me, I wanted your arms around me. But I didn’t stop because I knew it’d make your blood boil and set every since cell of your body on fire. Truth is, I lost myself when I lost our baby. The emptiness clawed from the inside of my chest, destroying everything I was made of. I figured, there is no pain like the pain of what could have been’s. The what if’s hunting me down. The distance between us grew bigger, I felt like our love had died with our baby. I tried filling in that emptiness, but I wanted to hurt you too. You always stood tall and strong and I hated that because I was breaking in front of you. I…”

“I love you”

That’s all he said. It moved something in her. Actually no, it moved everything in her. It was a feeling she had never experienced, this relationship had brought many first’s in her life and there goes another one. She was born searching for a great love, she swore she would never settle for anything less than extraordinary yet she was terrified of it’s power. This love gave her so much and took it all away in an instant. Fear, pride always stopped her. But, this was the wrong time to let those three important words slip by.

“I love you too”

It was as if every cell in him could feel it. And as for all the new cells being born, they come into this world knowing that they, too, have a love oh so great. And it terrified him. Loving her that much terrified him. He couldn’t even look at her and tell her all those beautiful words his heart was screaming in the loudest silence. All he needed to say were words that start fire in their hearts, the kind of fires that kill. He felt the tears coming, yet the fire wasn’t slowing down from raging.

“I love you, but…”

His answer sharp as a knife. Her heart dropped to her stomach. Her brain knew, but her heart wasn’t ready. But he couldn’t hold back the words anymore. This time he couldn’t yell loud enough to mask the sound of his crackling heart.  It was time to use all the matches, and set them on fire for the last time. After all, always something greater comes from the ashes .

Hello guys! Here I am with this shitty edit of mine (as promised) doing my first follow forever! So I’ve been on Tumblr for 5 months and I’ve met some pretty dope people! The people I mention here have stuck with me and my blog, through shitty text posts, dumb mistakes, and stupid jokes, and I couldn’t love them more tbh. I want to formally apologize in advance if I forget some of you guys. It’s 2 A.M. and I’m awake for no reason. But yoooo check these guys out if you haven’t already!

Bold = Senpai

woojihoee, fappingseoul, seouldown, jihobooty, jiiho, jinglenam, steoulen, boy-in-seoul, dementho, jaejaepapi, wornseoul, living-my-kpop-life, anti-seoulcial, seoul-supreme, monoasian, leebyungcock, ziaico, sweetcountdown, zeahcova, hephaphyemi, ant-mino, everythingkpoplol, hoseob, nolashinao, kid0hh, lyunchi, ohmytablo, zicoface, a-r-c-a-n-e, damnjongup, kid-ash, nucksal, pyonytaeil, badmeets2vil, trying-so-hard-will-kill-you, seoulcityghetto, noticeme-senpai, yixing-the-red-nose-reindeer, pyou, fukkyongguk, ziaaaco, youre-a-sasaeng, seoul-x, pieceofseoul, dyochy, friedt0fuu, oppaschickennuggets, ft-zico, choding-noona, monochromekorea, ajhussi, speedy-secret, soo-hyuks, holkseo, b1bomb, huqeboy, ft-giri, tabloworld, woofuckingjiho, t1gster, lukaio, jayseus, buckw1lds, seoulcityb1tch, yuwkon

                                                     ~

Now here are some very special people I’ve met on Tumblr:

Asvang: Oh my gosh this girl. She’s so pretty (but don’t stare at my waifu, I’ll beat ur ass k) and funny! She’s forever laughing at my lame jokes and I love her to death for that! You’ve been an awesome friend to me and I appreciate that.

Commedesfuckyou: My Flower Dongsaeng Kristina. She’s hilarious okay. She’s so mature for her age (I’m like a year older wat am I saying) and she’s so supportive. She thinks I’m some kinda boy magnet….idek. But ily girl okay! 

Kiteuri: Sweggy Sausages ayyyyyeeeee. But yo Kita, ily okay. This girl is too much for me. She’s a rapper. She’s a sausage. Idk how to follow that so yeah. You get the point.

Wonderingseoul: MY SECRET SANTA! ^^ Oh my gosh I’ve never met someone so nice and caring before! Whenever I was depressed this wonderful human being was always talking to me, making sure I was okay. Thank you so much, really.

                                                       ~

My irl homies:

Astronomy-aspirations: This is one of my best friends, Quan. I’ve known this girl since 7th grade and she still loves me…THANK YOU OKAY.

Brayfay: This is one of my other best friends, Braylyn. I hate her. Talk shit get hit Bray. ily tho. 

Dreamsandraybans: This destructive boy omg. I just met him this year but he’s super funny with good taste in fashion ^^

                                                       ~

An EXTREMELY special thank you to:

Davinadivinest, my very first follower! You’ve been following me since the beginning and saw my blog transform into what it is today. Thank you for staying with me this whole time! ^^

                                                       ~

Annnnnd that’s the end of this follow forever! Again, sorry if I forgot you! I swear I didn’t mean it! All of my followers are lovely and I thank you for following me, even when I have my super shitty mood swings. I hope everyone enjoys New Years and has a wonderful time! Bless!

-Amanda

The Firebird - Chapter 8

Chapter 8 : SAUDADE


Before you start reading, I want to thank very much four awesome persons : @titaniasfics, @dandelion-sunset for their beta skills - amazings beta skills I should add, and @xerxia31 for her help in the narrative of the first part of the chapter.

And I want to tell @akai-echo her aesthetics made me really emotionnal … it’s like she was in my head, taking the images that had formed there to put them on the screen of my computer with such talent and grace. She’s a ballerina in her way :)

Thank you Ladies, for helping me with my little story. Love you all so so much :)

Without further ado, to the reading.

Do not hesitate to leave a small comment or a message - I’d love to know what you think of this story :)


Here on AO3 // FFN



“Care to explain what that happened in there, Everdeen?”

Haymitch’s voice echoed in the old corridor, startling the dancers lined against the wall or practicing their moves. But it had no impact on her as she ran in pointes and tutu, heading towards the far end of the hallway.

Katniss had just left the Oval Room, left the audition for Manon. The one she had spent hours rehearsing for these last days, on top of the  usual hours spent at the Arena. The one that went terribly.

She heard him grumble, “Why am I even surprised,” just before she turned the corner, leaving him behind.

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anonymous asked:

How to be christa panek or kristina saylor: 1. Get meaningless tattoos 2. Make sure you awkwardly show off these tattoos in every selfie taken 3. Have a thigh gap 4. Show off thigh gap in pictures, complain about being fat 5. Claim to be original 6.publicly humiliate anyone who isn't a rich white girl 7. Say "nigga" every chance you can 8. Have daddy pay for everything: show off money 9. Date every hot youtuber or musician w/ a lot of followers 10. Gain followers, dump said person :-)

usually i would just delete this but, i’m going to take the time to tell you why you’re wrong.
1. my tattoos aren’t meaningless. and i guess you’re the pretentious douchebag who says tattoos have to have meaning.
2. you can show off your tattoos however much you want. they’re on your body, you’re proud of them.
3 & 4. kristina has a natural thigh gap, like i can’t even believe i have to defend someone’s body structure to you, you’re so pathetic lmao.
5. we don’t take take people’s ideas. we like to come up with things on our own.
6. this is the absolute least true thing ever said about us
7. we actually hardly say it anymore lmao
8. kristina pays for EVERYTHING herself with her part time job. and people’s finances are none of your business. (i don’t call my dad, daddy and my mom actually pays for me) if people’s parents want to pay for THEIR KIDS. it’s no one business. get over it. it’s not your money.
9. we have dated people who don’t even go on the internet, and just people it just so happens that people are in a band, or people make videos on the internet doesn’t make any difference to us. 
10. i NEVER ask people to post pictures of me/tag me in things/talk about me. and i don’t DUMP them, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, it just doesn’t work out.


when i read this, all i could think about was how jealous and bitter you were towards our lives.
but being resentful and mean isn’t going to get you the things i have that you want. i’m not sending anonymous hate towards someone to achieve these things. 
i hope your life gets better xo

lost and found

genre: so much fluff u will get cavities

warnings: swearing and a lil bit of badly written tongue action

word count: 2,009 (i swear i didn’t do it on purpose ok)

A/N: i typed this on mobile i am v sorry if there are spelling mistakes bc mobile google docs does not do autocorrect bc it’s rly slow so it’s all up to me dammit so much prESSURE

PS can u guess where i got the name of the cat from

PPS i do not live in england or anything so i don’t know if the number has the right amount of digits??? in america we only have 7 (not including the area code) so don’t hate me

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