i hate those little bastards

Rogers, You Human Dorito!

Summary: Reader is on a simple mission with Sam, Steve, and Bucky. One of them makes a very poor decision that they’re sure to regret for the foreseeable future.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader, Steve x Reader (Platonic)

Word Count: 1339

Category: Fluff. Silly.

Warning: None, mention of violence, I guess. One swear word. 

A/N: I honestly live for writing silly and sarcastic stories lol. This was just really fun and I hope you all like it!! Italicized font is readers thoughts.

It was supposed to be a simple snatch and grab mission. It was supposed to take no longer than thirty minutes, tops. It was not supposed to turn into the shit show that it so eloquently had become. I’m gonna destroy Steve Rogers, little patriotic prick.

The building you were infiltrating appeared long abandoned, but what it lacked in cleanliness it more than made up for in annoying hidden triggers. You and Steve had been inside heading towards the mainframe to access the data point while Sam and Bucky patrolled the outer grounds. That was until Dumb-Dumb Rogers triggered a silent alarm, quickly setting forth all out chaos. Red lights began flashing brightly and obnoxiously while a siren wailed throughout the building. Alright, so they lost subtlety really quick there huh?

“Rogers, you giant, walking human Dorito!” You cried out over the assault of lights and sounds. “What the hell did you do?!”

Keep reading


I stared at the loaves in disbelief. They were fine, perfect really, except for the burned areas. Did he mean for me to have them? He must have. Because there they were at my feet. Before anyone could witness what had happened I shoved the loaves up under my shirt, wrapped the hunting jacket tightly about me, and walked swiftly away. The heat of the bread burned into my skin, but I clutched it tighter, clinging to life.

By the time I reached home, the loaves had cooled somewhat, but the insides were still warm. When I dropped them on the table, Prim’s hands reached to tear off a chunk, but I made her sit, forced my mother to join us at the table, and poured warm tea. I scraped off the black stuff and sliced the bread. We ate an entire loaf, slice by slice. It was good hearty bread, filled with raisins and nuts.

I’ve never baked bread before and I’m happy that I lost my bread virginity with this particular type of iconic Everlark bread that saved Katniss’s life.

It’s super fast and super easy to make (this is not let-it-rise-for-three-years type of recipe).  

*drumroll* I HATE RAISINS! I absolutely despise them. Especially those sneaky little bastards that look like chocolate chips. They should be put in jail for identity fraud. *Lord Farquaad voice* But it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.

English is not my first language so bear with me

Channel your inner Peeta, fill your cups with something not suitable for children and let’s get this shit done.

To make one loaf of raisin & nut bread you gonna need:

  • 2 ¾ cup of flour (I used simple wheat flour)
  • 8 g of dry yeast *bakers screaming in the distance*
  • 1 tbsp of salt (I think that ½ tbsp is enough, but I hardly use any salt in my food, so it may be individual preference)
  • 1 teaspoon of sugar (add 2 if you want sweet bread)
  • 1 ½ cup of warm water
  • 100g of nuts 
  • 100g of raisins (yuck)

#1 Mandatory semi-artsy pic.

I used walnuts (mwahaha braaaaainssss) and sultans (look how disgusting this little fucker looks, yuck). Putting raisins in warm water for few minutes is supposed to make them more gooey and better for baking, but let’s be clear here… NOTHING makes raisins better. NOTHING! Let’s skip it.

#2 Chop your nuts.

Omnomnomnom chopped braaaaainssss.

#3 Time to mix dry stuff. Mix flour, dry yeast, salt, sugar, nuts and raisins in a bowl.

#4 Add warm water. This is a no knead type of bread, so mix everything using a wooden spoon. You need to do it for 10 minutes. Awful.

#5 The dough will be very sticky. That’s ok, it should be. Don’t add more flour, even if you’re temped to do it *slaps hands away*. It will make your bread dry. If your dough looks like a sticky soup, you’re doing it wrong.

#6 Cover the bowl with a cloth and set aside in a warm place for an hour. Dough nap time. 

#7 Time to preheat the oven to 220 degrees (that’s Celsius, google says it’s 428 Fahrenheit).

#8 Put your dough in a greased baking pan (mine is 30cm x 10cm and I sprinkled it with bran after greasing it, but that’s optional).

#9 Wrap your baking pan in a plastic wrap/simple plastic. Your dough needs to rise to the edges of the mold.

#10 BAKING TIME! Put your bread in the oven and bake it for 15 minutes in 220 degrees. Then reduce temperature to 200 degrees and bake for another 40 minutes (mine took 30 tho). Your loaf should have a nice golden crust. Yummy yummy minus the raisins.

#11 Take your bread out from a baking pan. Don’t cut it until it’s completely cooled *stares longingly*

#12 Science time! Tap the bottom of your bread *insert a lame knock knock joke here*. If you hear a hollow sound, it means that your bread is perfect and yummy.

It tastes really good I kinda mighta got rid of the raisins in my slice. The crust is nice and the dough on the inside is soft and moist. It’s a really hearty bread. Does anyone have a good elastic pants source and wanna share?

I guess that Peeta’s actual bread probably used salt, yeast, water and maybe no sugar since Katniss refers to sugar as a “delicacy”. It would be less sweet and more crusty.

Try to bake it, it’s super easy. And maybe use it for a toasting purpose? *wink wink*