i hate this i wanna cry

I hate those nights when I’m feeling sad and all I wanna do is cry. I literally have no one to talk to about what I’m going through or just to have someone sit with me and just listen. My “friends” don’t even give a fuck, haven’t talked to any of them in a while. Just makes me feel more alone…

Nothing really matters anymore,
Even me..
i dont matter to anyone and the hate i have for myself is growing,
I don’t wanna be that sensitive person who everyone calls a ‘drama queen’ ,
I don’t wanna stay in bed crying till 5 a.m because i feel that i have been replaced or not being good enough,
I hate the way i act, i hate the way i feel and how my thoughts f**k me up.
I hate how i thought i can be special and i hate the fact that i am not,
I hate that i am writing all of this down and then act like i am fine,
I hate lying to my friends telling them that my eyes are red only because i am tired knowing that they get that am lying..
I hate this life that i didn’t choose and i hate feeling attached to people who can forget about me in seconds, i hate how i am feeling things towards that one person who will never think about me..
I hate it all but does it even matter?

So I play at a local comic shop every Wednesday. There’s usually 3-4 table that have randomized players for each table every week. I play a Drow Bard named Valkyrie(yeah yeah. Not a great name). This is a collection of my favourite moments from the last 2 months.

Val: poor, stupid human.
Human Barbarian: no Wrack smart.
Val: says the man that took the false bottom of a chest and strapped it to his ass.
Barbarian: it was my bottom.

Half-Orc Paladin and Dwarf Cleric: *racing*
Val: *continues to fight the Giant badgers that appeared by making them cry to death*
-whole thing becomes a huge race-
Val: I’m surrounded by idiots.

Human Bard: heeeeey wanna be Bardies?
Val: what?
Bard: Bard Buddies.
Val: this is why I hate humans.

Elf Druid: if you tell me where this is… I’ll… I’ll marry you.
NPC: well….
Elf Druid(OOC): hey, could I use animal handling when seducing this guy?
DM: well… uh…. let me roll his intelligence to see… *rolls a 2* ….. yep. Go ahead.
Elf Druid: *rolls a nat 20 anyways*
NPC: RIGHT THIS WAY MISS

(Now this part is my favourite. Despite the tables being randomized, I somehow always end up at the same table as this one guy that plays a Monk of the Long Death… this is how it always goes with him)

Party: *encounters someone*
Monk: *has a look*
Val: Grimnaw, no.
Monk: Grimnaw, yes. *proceeds to kill most things*

🔥❤️ Happy Birthday, Portgas D. Ace ❤️🔥

You know, it’s weird. Sometimes, people are okay with me being an abuse survivor (like I need their permission or something) until I start being too loud about it. I talk about it too much, cry about it too much, get angry about it too much.

Maybe I inconvenience them because I don’t let them get away with romanticizing abuse, I don’t let them tell me to “get over it” or “I feel like that sometimes too!” or “you can’t hate them forever.” I won’t let them tell me to heal. I won’t let them “help me”, because I don’t need help - I just wanna be able to live and cope, I don’t need anybody to fix me, and that’s so damn hard for them to believe.

Non-survivors will sometimes accept our existence, but only under their conditions, and definitely not if it inconveniences them.

things i would rather see on next weeks the walking dead than daryl
  • maggie grieving
  • tara finds out abt denise abe and glenns deaths
  • morgan and young benjamin bonding while i cry over them
  • eric being alive
  • father gabriel finds a hat
  • rosita and eugene and the quest for a pasta maker
  • jesus tries out his new conditioner
  • ezekiel stages a play
  • ezekiel plays every single role in said play
  • enid wears a ponytail
  • judith. just judith
  • like sixty minutes of judith im serious i love her
  • ps gabriel looks rly good in his hat
  • Ophelia: I don’t do phone calls, phone calls are lame. If you wanna talk to me just text me. Like I hate phone calls so much. They are stupid and I hate them. No matter how much I like someone, I will NOT answers the phone for them. Because I ha-
  • Phone: *rings*
  • Ophelia: *looks at contact and sees its Jules*
  • Phone: *rings*
  • Ophelia:
  • Phone: *still ringing*
  • Ophelia:
  • Ophelia:
  • Ophelia: *answers phone* Hey Jules.