Obama’s Top Three Things He Regrets Not Doing as President
(PICTURED: Me, Barack Obama, the U.S. President from 2009-2017)
My time as the President of the United States was the best time of my life. To serve you, the American people, was a honor. Not every time was great, like the times Joe tried to get me into this band called “Phish”; but I’m glad we made the most of it. I do regret not fulfilling all of my campaign promises though. I’ve compiled a list of the top three promises I regret not making true.
3. Taking All of Your Guns Away
I hate those fucking mouth-breathing chickenshit rednecks that kept threatening to assassinate me and establishing militias while I was in office. I would love to pry their precious little guns right from their fucking hands while they cry, and I would lower myself to their ear and say “save the crocodile tears for later bitch.” Really though, I hope those buck-toothed bastards die. I hate every single one of those smelly fucks.
2. Establishing National Sharia Law
I REALLY regret this one. It wasn’t my fault though. Every time I was about to surprise everyone with an executive order that said “Enact National Sharia Law Starting Now!”, those conservative radio loonies would always predict it RIGHT before it happened. How the hell did they know that I was about to do it? I’m willing to bet someone in my staff was leaking the info to them. I never found who the squealer was, but I would have showed them a new definition of pain if I found them. If there’s one thing I hate more than hillbillies, it’s snitches.
1. Initiating Communism in America
This one is the one I will regret all of my life. I wasn’t even close to establishing the perfect communist state. Not even damn close. It makes me so upset, you wouldn’t know. Just ask Michelle. The closet I ever got was with the Affordable Care Act, and that was only a fraction of actual universal health care, what I really wanted. And now with that orange dipshit Donald in office, all of that will more than likely go away. The only thing I have going for me is that Donald doesn’t know what the fuck he is doing. I mean, look at him! Dude is legit going to have a stroke within a year. I’m gonna be so fucking happy when I see him have one while giving a half-ass speech that only his braindead fans will like.
I would like to thank tumbler-real-news for letting me reveal my greatest regrets while in office. It was an honor to write to you. Stay safe, and also stay sane. You know it will be hard while the Talking Cheeto is in office!