i hate my mind at night

Gin & Tonic // Ivish
  • Gin & Tonic // Ivish
  • Ivish Malik
  • Dreams
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So guys since so many of you liked it I finished the song Gin & Tonic, I’m sorry if the quality isn’t too good but here is the full version. I really hope you guys like it! Let me know what you thought.

Gin & Tonic:

“Sometimes at night I sit by my window and I scribble away my thoughts and while I write I like to think back on our times assuming it’s your loss wake up in the morning thinking about your habits that glass of Gin & Tonic always on your mind you’re always feeling hazy the Mary Jane you’re blazing fuels up the hate in your veins takes away the love your steps on my porch your favorite TV show your love left on my door and your eyes are still bloodshot I’ve been sitting on the pillow thinking about if you’re lying on your floor white powder covering your nose I know you think I left you when you needed me the most pull the bed sheets over your head turned off the lamp right by your bed tucked you in and that’s when you said I love you I need you I’ll be your breathe pillow cases switching faces then you smoked alone closed the door behind me couldn’t even wait till I was gone but it’s your night and it’s your life your lungs corrupted and you don’t trust me your steps on my porch your favorite TV show your love left on my door and your eyes are still bloodshot I’ve been sitting on the pillow thinking about if your lying on your floor white powder covering your nose I know you think I left you when you needed me the most oh love I’ll hold you tight I’ll keep you near won’t let out of my sight till the tracks on your hands are gone till the stains in your heart dissolve I’ll kiss your wounds till they’re healing on I will do your part I will touch your heart I won’t let you fall into the cyclone of smoke won’t let you go I’ll hold you close and I’ll wait for your steps on my porch your favorite TV show your love left on my door and your eyes are still bloodshot and I’ve been sitting on the pillow thinking about if you’re lying on your floor white powder covering your nose I know you think I left you when you needed me the most your glass of Gin and Tonic

Progress not Perfection

I was brave and bold last night. I thought you would appreciate my motives. I stepped fully into the picture to encourage others to love and accept themselves today, in the body they are in. Shaming myself and loathing myself never got me into a heathy mind or body. Only loving and accepting myself, has made a true transformation possible. On August 1st will be my year anniversary of my Public Display of Self Love journey. I have released 90 pounds and truly have self worth and self pride for the first time in my life. You know how bad the pain can be, and so do I. I was eating myself to death, and hating myself with each bite. I have shed my self loathing, and last night I shed my clothes. I bared it all, to show you my self love and self acceptance regardless of imperfection. My kidney cancer scar, breast reduction scar, stretch marks, lose skin, rolls, and all. I love myself and am so proud of my transformation. This is possible! Step into the picture and step into your life!
Xoxo
Grateful,
Sara Michele Kaplan


https://www.facebook.com/Publicdisplayofselflove


http://publicdisplayofselflove.tumblr.com/

I wish people in this fandom understood that you can be up Taylor’s ass without going along with everything she says/does like I am SO up her ass like she goes on tour with crazy expensive tickets? I’m gonna go to 4 shows! she sells ugly ass mercy? I’m gonna buy it! she’s doing a show in Japan? I’m gonna stay up all night to get updates!

I love her SO MUCH I am so obsessed with her, but I’m still gonna call her out on being a white feminist. she’s closed minded about a lot of issues and I’m allowed to be upset about that. that doesn’t need mean I’m not a true fan, that doesn’t mean I hate her, it just means I have an opinion and a mind of my own

take two of lost love.  I wanted to hate you, every ounce of me, as my broken skeleton lay buried in the dead of night to a ghost that kept scratching at my soul. this pitter patter of rain we had created by our tongues, and this coldness left such fatigue.  my mind stutters on words that don’t fall into sequence and often I find myself borrowing time from all the ticking clocks.
—  once upon a feelings
Boyfriend Ramblings Pt. 1

Aight, I weigh 160lbs. And sometimes I feel fat, especially around my 126lb. Boyfriend…. like, maybe it’s just me, but I feel lk my boyfriend should weigh more than me, ya know? But he works out and does track, while I absolutely hate exercise and I love food. Tbh, I don’t care that he’s smaller, I lk his size no matter what, I just have always thought in the back of my mind that this made me a fat gf.

One night, something happened where he was trying to lift me up, but then I apologized for weighing more than him. (Granted, he doesn’t know my actual weight. And idk if he knows I looked at his license to discover his tbh lol) But ya know what, instead of being a butthead, he said, “its ok, I still love you anyways.”

1. Yes, he basically admitted that I weigh more than him. That is not an insult, it is a fact. He is honest with me.

2. He did not in any way call me fat tho.

3. He doesn’t care that I weigh more than him.

4. He loves me AND my size. Even tho I weigh more than him and it is clearly obvious.

So, I just want to say to everyone out there who struggles with body shaming in any way that someday you’re gonna find somebody who doesn’t even give a flip if you weigh more than them, they’re going to love you anyways. :-)

Idk just saw lots of body shaming lately and thought I’d try to help share my story and help others to think more positively? :-)

I don’t know if I’m overreacting about this or something but I hate when I can’t calm down at nights. I have something bad, it’s like panic attacks but I don’t know if that’s really what I have.
Anyways I hate when I can’t sleep because my mind doesn’t stop, it’s a bitch who keeps thinking about my worst fears: death, university, future, friends, etc.

What it’s like to live with Dermatillomania:

1. Long sleeves and long pants in the summer
2. Two questions I get asked the most by people on a regular basis is “Aren’t you hot?” & “Why are you wearing pants/long sleeves?”
3. Really wanting to cut my nails, but it will be extremely hard to do so
4. Trying to keep my nails clean is the biggest hassle
5. This disorder makes it hard to maintain a social life
6. It restricts me from doing a lot of things in life
7. I hate looking in a mirror, but won’t mind it when I am picking at my face
8. Blood everywhere, and I mean everywhere!
9. Will most likely wake up with a spot of blood on my pillow, sheets, or clothes because I was scratching at night and didn’t realize that I was doing it
10. I think that I am helping myself by removing that imperfection, but in reality I am making it worse
11. Feeling like I am not lovable because who could love someone with such a disgusting body?
12. I most likely will have anxiety medication, creams/ointments, infection medication on my bedside table
13. I lose belief in myself and think “Why me?”
14. Puts a huge strain on my family and friends
15. Go to bed every night knowing at some point I will end up picking and scratching at my skin and that’s terrifying

This is what it’s like for me to deal with my Dermatillomania, it’s hard, but I am trying to get through it.

Some nights I miss you… so badly I feel like my heart aches to hear your voice one last time, and if I could I’d go running back into your arms.

Some nights I understand… I realize we just weren’t meant to be together our journey just wasn’t as long as we had once hoped.

Some nights I hate you… I just can’t comprehend how anyone with a heart could put someone they loved through something so cruel.

Some nights I’m proud… Proud of myself self, proud of my strength, my courage, and my faith to leave you. Knowing that I deserved better, that one day I’d find a new love that I deserved.

Every night I am thankful… Thankful that I was put through a relationship that showed me what I was worth, that gave me the courage to stand my ground and expect a certain way from a man and nothing less. I am thankful for the lesson, for the tears, the heartache, and the broken heart, that showed me how much fight and strength I had in me.

meek mill legit came out of nowhere with this trash so he don’t get my sympathy at all. like even if drake don’t write his own shit. why the fuck, OF ALL NIGHTS, would he choose the night where he and nicki are more than likely breaking up to expose drake? he ain’t do it cuz he real. he did it cuz he mad at his girl and he went for one of her friends. the friend he had “dirt” on so like…i honestly don’t give a shit who drags him. all drake did was eat some coco puffs, climb into his thousand thread count ass sheets, and mind his own business.

The words played on repeat in his mind.  Reid took his life last night. They seemed foreign, unbelievable, wrong. Waves of despair crashed over him, dragging him down into a darkness he hadn’t felt for a very long time. It was in this moment that Jude crumbled. “This is all my fault,” he shouted, hating himself with such conviction that he willed the world to swallow him whole. “He’s gone & I’m responsible.”

“No, that’s not true. You know it’s not.” Cole reached out, his strong hand resting on his husband’s shoulder, a small reminder he was there for him.

Jude jerked away, not wanting the comfort. He deserved to feel the pain that overwhelmed him now. His whole body shook as he gave into the dejection, sobbing inconsolably. Gasping for air, his lungs screamed & his head throbbed. Again he shrugged Cole off of him when he felt his touch. 

“Jude, don’t do this. You couldn’t have saved him,” Cole tried to assure him calmly. Wrapping his muscular arms around the weak, quivering body of his love, he refused to be pushed away again. He knew all too well that Jude would allow this to suffocate him if left on his own. There was no way he would let someone as kind & loving as his husband go through that alone. 

This time, Jude didn’t fight as Cole did his best to soothe him. He allowed Cole to take him in, pulling him into his lap & holding him close. Burying his head in the nape of his protectors neck, he continued to cry, his throat & eyes burning.

anonymous asked:

I cut and it's really hard to stop, lost of people have noticed but all they ask is "why" please don't ask someone who cuts why did they do it. Anyways my mom just says"you have no idea how bad that looks on me" she also told me I'm not worth it. I feel like they think I'm attention seeking and I don't know what to do. I'm not attention seeking they don't understand how many nights I stay in my room and shake and can't breathe they don't get it and I'm stuck with what to do,

I know hating your mother is what you think could be the answer but it’s not. The way she is handling it could be better but also imagine yourself in her shoes. In her mind, it’s as if her love and care as a mother wasn’t enough to make sure her dear child loves who they are. I think you should talk to your mother, just the two of you. 

I hate getting flashbacks from things i dont want to remember. it just feels like my heart suddenly drops and my anxiety begins to take over. late at night the scene of the flames engulf my mind and i panic. i panic to the point where i cannot breathe. i cry to the point where my eyes sting. i cannot get the image out of my head.
—  a.l
It’s nights like these where I remember that I hate you
—  We both know I don’t mean it, but my throat still hurts from the lies you made me swallow. My head hurts from your name repeatedly forcing its way to the front of my mind. My hands are shaking from holding on to you so long,and I don’t know how long I can survive this severe case of love sickness.

“I hate you and yet I can’t help but love you. Can’t help it, the night is always there, always lurking, and it swallows me when I least expect it. I cry inside because its ice slithers over my heart and I miss the light.
I yearn for it.
That candle you carried in your hand as you walked with me down the never-ending narrow corridor, it was the only light we had, its flicker casting shapes upon the walls, dancing, shimmering, ever shifting fantastical shapes that took my mind where it hadn’t been in a long time. I forgot the world. Only you and your enchanted candle existed. It freed me.
And now I sit here pining, nostalgia wrapping itself too snugly around myself, and inside I shed a tear.
Sun is hiding behind the clouds and the birds’ chirping seems to take on a somber note. Or maybe I’m just imagining it. The mood spills into reality, eerily gnawing at its surroundings. Yes, the light is but the other half of darkness, but I want it to hug me. I want to disappear into fantasy again and forget the sorrows the world is made to bear. But, mostly, I miss your presence. It was you, after all, that brought the light, carried the candle. You held my hand in yours and my heart soared, and in the glow of your candlelight I loved you.
I miss it. That glow. The candle that brought me into your world. I miss it. Your realm and your fairy being, existing in its own reality. The magic which infused my soul.
My hand feels cold without yours wrapped around it, and I hate the emptiness, the void you left.
I hate the distance, the steely-gray hue of the present reality, the chemical-infused air that chokes my lungs, and the monotony - ever the same, ever dull and boring monotony that just is.
I hate you because you not here and, yet, love still flickers in me.
An echo of your candle.
A part of you remaining with me.”

—rhianlore, The Candle

Another day of not spending time at home. Just helped load out a 2nd load of hay (227 bales of which I moved half) and there is a third load going out just before supper. Hubby was working today so I had to come down and help my inlaws. (My MIL watched the boys while I loaded).

I don’t mind helping at all. They help us out lots. Plus the workout is great. I hate that it’s another day of me getting near nothing done in my own house. Thankfully, so far, tomorrow looks like my own time. So it will be spent cleaning like a mad woman. It also means another late night workout… OH WELL! I can’t control it. So no sense worrying about it. It is, what it is.

rumplegasm asked:

So like, you're my hero for saying what I was saying during S4. I thought me and a few others were alone in this. The first thing that crossed my mind when Belle banished him was "omg there are black bears out there, Belle."

Thank you.  I really needed this.

I had to delete the original post because I was getting too many hate responses already.  If you want the original I’ll give it to you though, I still have it (I E-mailed it to myself).  Ironically the night the season 4 finale aired I missed part of it because a bear cub ended up wandering near my mail box.  The poor thing was dehydrated and lost, I don’t know what became of the mother but an animal sanctuary took him.  I live in the North East.  Anyone who has ever been to the boonies of Maine knows Rumple would have been a corpse by morning.  There aren’t even street lights in many rural places like that.  And they are often cell phone dead zones (I live in one, there’s no cell phone service for five miles).  Gold. would have. died.  Being pro-Belle should not mean being okay with this fact.   She put conditions on what was supposed to be unconditional love and sentenced him to a terrible form of death and the writing just glossed over it.