i hate how i look asleep or some shit

we got drunk together for the first time and first we laughed about stupid things like the dirty shapes we traced out in the sky and how the last time you were at a party your brother was high as a kite and he told you a joke that was so funny you ended up laughing so hard about it that you spit mountain dew from your nose

and we talked about stupid things like why we hated the people we hated and how they were stupid because they just didn’t get it

and we sat on your rooftop taking swigs from the bottle of fireball we passed from one another and i told you about how the last time i got drunk i ended up crying alone in some girl’s car who promised that once she found her boyfriend she’d take me home

and you told me about your sister and the boys she brought home when your parents were asleep and you were a freshmen at fourteen and they didn’t give a shit about her and you would hear her crying in her room trying to figure out why she kissed people who wouldn’t look at her the next day and you told me that you hated that she ever had to feel that way

and you talked about the girls that bored you and how you were always looking for someone else and how you looked at me and felt like you wouldn’t need to find anything else

and somewhere after the 6th gulp i told you about how i reminded myself a lot of your sister and how i knew why she fucked people who didn’t give a shit about her and i told you it was because we were broken and no one who’s broken ever wants to be alone

and i told you about the things i did with the people who didn’t love me because i was sad or angry or alone but how when i looked at you i felt something i didn’t when i was with them
something warm something like home

and we sat there for hours trying to figure out why we were in so much pain and why sophomore year you got drunk every night and i kissed anyone who cared enough to ask me about my day

and slowly but surely after two handles and mouths full of heartache we fell in love and you held me when i cried and told me that one day when we were older we’d be alright

and that night we climbed back in through your window clumsy and clueless and fumbling for the light switch where we only found each other instead

and that night when we got drunk together for the first time i fell in love with the way you laughed and how hard you loved and i knew we’d both go down in flames but in that moment with your hands on my hips i knew it was a risk i had to take

and somewhere in the dark you slipped your hands inside my ribcage and took a hold of my heart

and with your lips on my neck and my hands on your chest i said all the things i could think to tell you and god i knew it would burn but i still loved you then

and seven months later you had a new girl on your rooftop and i was getting high with boys who couldn’t get my name right and i hated everything about them but they were the only thing that could keep you off my mind

we got drunk together for the last time and we screamed about stupid things and threw the love we made out into the rain and i was crying my eyes out while you were getting mad and i guess somewhere in the end i realized that it wasn’t so good to need someone so bad

and you ended it on a monday because you met someone else that weekend and i guess you must’ve gotten bored of me because you stayed with her and fell in love the way we did

so now i kiss people to forget you and get drunk at parties just to erase the things that when i’m sober i can’t seem to

and i’m sorry it’s crazy i know it’s been months since we’ve spoken but god i really fucking loved you and my heart’s still broken

—  mh