i hate fart jokes but here we are

SHIT MY BEST FRIEND SAYS:

  •      ❝ I came here for hot guys and all I see is old farts! ❞
  •      ❝ I hate work, but I hate being home with this bullshit more. ❞
  •      ❝ Do you think bagels look at donuts like we look at supermodels? ❞
  •      ❝ I’m starting my diet today! Wait, tomorrow. I want pizza really quick. ❞
  •      ❝ Ding dong! I mean, wait…What’s the joke? Oh! Knock knock! ❞
  •      ❝ I mean, I would fuck you. ❞
  •      ❝ Teach me your ways! ❞
  •      ❝ I downloaded Tinder. So if I disappear one day it was one of my matches. ❞
  •      ❝ Run Simba! ❞
  •      ❝ I just took the best poop. ❞
  •      ❝ I watched that video while pooping. ❞
  •      ❝ She doesn’t even like dinosaurs! ❞
  •      ❝ Think about the food! ❞
  •      ❝ Okay, remind me to remind you. ❞
  •      ❝ Please come drink with me… ❞
  •      ❝ Was it a nasty poop or a satisfying poop? ❞
  •      ❝ You’re white and angry so just like write a strong worded letter. ❞
  •      ❝ I love you dumbass. ❞
  •      ❝ Let’s go to a boy band concert. Or fuck a boy band… Oh wait, both! ❞
  •       ❝ Let’s just get a shitload of plants! ❞
  •       ❝ I miss you so much it hurts. ❞
  •       ❝ I need to go to the gym, but honestly I would rather die. ❞
  •       ❝ No. Stop. Be happy! ❞
  •       ❝ Bitch, you take forever. ❞
  •       ❝ You drunk ass. ❞
  •       ❝ I wish my life was an anime. ❞
Not So Different- Steve Rodgers

REQUESTED BY MAH TUMBLR FRIEND! WHOOP! If you wanna be mah tumblr friend, then message meh!

This was the prompt!

A Steve Rogers story with a girl who joins the team and has fast healing she was supposed to be made like captain America. She’s more sarcastic not too romantic haha

I hope you didn’t mind, but I altered it a teeny bit!

IT SHALL HAPPEN MY FRIEND.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stared at the giant red target in front of me. I had set up a field in my back yard for the sole purpose of training. There was a desk of knives next to me. I stared intently. My breaths were heavy from my earlier training. Without thinking I grabbed the first knife and thrust it towards the target, followed by three more. Three of them stuck the middle, but one went missing.

“Wheres my damn knife?” I said, trudging towards the target. My heart rate and aches quickly restored as I walked. 

“Looking for this?” i heard a voice ask. I whipped around to see a familiar man. We had last run into each other when I was beating the shit out of this guy who decided to mug me.

“( Your Last Name)” He smirked.

“Fury. Even in the blistering sun you still manage to rock all black, my applause to you” I said, slowly clapping my hands together. I proceeded to take of my wrist pads, setting them down in the table.

“Well, I would love to talk about your bed head, and the fact that you almost stabbed a stray cat, but we have business” He declared, throwing my knife back at me. I leaned over tot he side, letting it slide past me.

“I have nothing to talk about, Fury. I said I was a test tube baby, not one of your little proxies” I seethed. My parents wanted nothing more than to create the next bigger better super baby. Unfortunately it didn’t work, so they tossed me. I didn’t even have a name until I came up with one myself. (Your name), yeah it fits.

“I believe you said that when I needed you, I should feel free to find you. i’m sure you’re familiar with S.H.E.I.L.D “ He started.

I listened to every word.

*THE NEXT MONTH*

How the hell did he convince me into this? Me, of all people, working with the big guys themselves. It was freaking awesome! I had recently gotten close to spangles himself. Captain America, everyones favorite old guy. Not mine. There isn’t enough room for two test tubes here. Well, Test Tube was my nickname. Tony came up with it, that little fart bag. 

“Aren’t you looking mighty fine today” the little dickwad said.

“Careful, I might try to rip out that hunk of metal” I smiled, even though I know I couldn’t. He gave me a smirk. Dry humor was a thing between me and him. We also had inside jokes, even though I hated him. 

“Already tryin’ to kill someone” someone said, walking into the room. Steve…

“Already ruining my day” I sarcastically remarked.

“It’s my job darlin’, besides who else is gonna save you from Mr.Playboy?” he asked. I shook my head.

Steve and I, weren’t on the best of terms, but at the same time we weren’t enemies either. How do I put it?

Hormones+Rage+Understanding= Me and Steve.

Sure, I thought about him at night a few times, but not like I was in love or something, PFFFT thats crazy talk!

“Yeah yeah” I mumbled. I turned around but accidentally ran into the lab table, causing a scalpel to slip off. In my attempt to grab it, it slit my hand pretty badly.

“Oh my god!” Tony said running over.

“Clumsy girl, why injure yourself! “ Thor bellowed. Not asked, basically screamed at me. I smiled and shook my head as I stared at the cut. I saw the end of the slice start to get smaller and smaller, until there was nothing but a pool of blood in my hand. 

“Fast healer!” I sang, then started skipping around.

Once I stopped, Steve walked up to me, with a smile on his face.

“You are truly a remarkable woman” He said, at a weird attempt to flirt. It was working, sort of.

“Spare me your compliments, I’m a touch nut to crack” I said, my sarcasm just oozing out all over.

“ I’d like to be the one to crack it” he challenged.

“Think you can handle it?” I shot back, crossing my arms, getting closer to him.

“Oh trust me sweetheart, I know I can handle it” He threatened, leaning his head down until we were centimeters apart.

“Well when that day comes. I’ll be busy using Fury as a human shield” I said, backing away. “Boys, Nat, Wanda” I said to everyone as I walked out.

“Yes, very remarkable” I heard Steve’s voice laugh.

He better not forget it.