i hate being 22

A year ago, I had my daughter.

I didn’t plan on getting pregnant. I hated being pregnant. I hated the 22 hours I was in labor, and I’m sure if I wasn’t doped up, I would have hated the whole csection endeavor, too. I puked on a nurse’s shoes.

That whole “you’ll fall in love when you see your baby for the first time” thing? Nah. I just saw a squishy human who I had no idea how to take care of (hell, I still don’t). Honestly, I was terrified of her. I sucked at breast feeding, I sucked at asking for help, I sucked at a lot of parenting crap. I cried a lot at first (1 part sleep deprivation, 1 part frustration, 1 part being of my antidepressants), and I repeated something my doctor told me like a mantra: “just do anything you need to do to get through the first three weeks. It gets better”.

I’m still terrified, and I still cry a lot (for exactly the same reasons), but I’m also excited seeing my kid grow up. She loves sweet potatoes and music (she’ll dance to just about anything). She tries to play with the dog (the dog doesn’t try to play back). She cheeses for attention at grocery stores.

I’m not sure there was a point to this, but happy birthday, kid.

21 days to break a habit

9/11 (day 0) I hung on to your last words as you told me “goodbye, I’ll always love you, and you’ll always be my best friend,” with mascara and salt water streaming down my cheeks. if you love me, why are you leaving me? I keep repeating in my mind. instead i cry so hard I pass out until 3 am when I wake up and after realizing I’m waking up to a nightmare instead of from one, I run to the bathroom and vomit until I fall asleep again, you tweeted about me but it’s just what your last words to me on the phone were “you will forever be my best friend and I will always love you” I go to my parents and gutturally scream into my moms arms. she cries with me.

9/12 (day 01) I stay at my parents house all day in my parents bed sobbing in pure confusion. I’m in so much pain I feel myself shaking profusely and crying so hard my head pounds and my eyes hurt. nothing about this breakup seems right. this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. this can’t be it.

9/13 (day 02) my best friend is in town so he tries to cheer me up as best he can…
but he doesn’t understand… he’s never lost anyone like this. my mom tells me I’m in the grieving stage… but it honestly hasn’t even hit me that this is real… I feel like I’m in some horrible nightmare that I’ll just wake up from and you’ll be there to tell me so… you did that once when I had a dream you left me for your ex.. but this isn’t a dream and you won’t be here to comfort me ever again…

9/14 (day 03) my friends wanted to take me to a party to take my mind off of you so I dressed up and put makeup on (three times because I kept crying it off my face.) a boy flirted with me and as soon as I could get away from him and my friends, I drank vodka until I foolishly called you and begged for you back. you told me you’d have to think about it… I know you shouldn’t have to, and I should’ve told you to go fuck yourself but it was more hope than I’d had in two days.

9/15 (day 04) i wake up with a hangover, dry tears on my face, and your necklace that you hung around my rearview mirror clutched tightly in my fist. I wait for your call all day, jumping every time my phone vibrates. how is it even possible that you disappoint me even when I know not to expect anything from you anymore? I have to pull over on my way home from work because I can’t see the road through my tears.

9/16 (day 05) i wore your clothes to bed last night. they don’t smell like you anymore. i just want you to call me and say you made a mistake and you want me again… that movie we were so excited to see together comes out Friday and if you would just call…

9/17 (day 06) I laughed today for the first time since you left… then I saw a few pictures you liked and snapped right back into the pain.. a picture with the words “It’s 2 am and I miss you just like I did last night at 9 pm and just like I will tomorrow at 6 am when I wake up without you” was placed in your liked section on Pinterest… but I thought you didn’t care? you never called me back like you said you would… you liked the picture on the thirteenth and still haven’t called or texted or… anything… HOW IS THIS SO EASY FOR YOU? I decided to take your advice and get help for my anxiety attacks so I guess one good thing did come out of the breakup…

9/18 (day 07) I asked your brother how you were doing today and if you were happy… he said you weren’t but I don’t understand because you did this so that you would be happy and stress free… but you’re not and yet you still don’t call or text me? he said you’re still in love with me and that you still care for me but how is that possible if you don’t even know whether or not I’m alive? your brother also said that he doesn’t think we’re finished and neither do I… the problem is, you do. I went out again and a random boy kissed me.. I hated
it and cried because he stole it and I just wanted it to be you on my lips for the rest of my life… I wonder where you are tonight and if you are okay…

9/19 (day 08) I dreamt about you all night and woke up screaming and in tears because well… I woke up. it’s our anniversary today… I send you a text with the words “talk to me” after drinking and smoking my right mind away.. I then call you around midnight and you send me to voicemail. you call me back at 2am and hearing your voice makes my heart skip a beat. you tell me you’re sorry that you’re hurting me and that you think about how you miss me a lot but there’s a part of you that keeps telling you to hold off… I realize in that moment that I can’t wait for you anymore because you clearly wouldn’t wait for me if the roles were reversed. you tell me that we don’t have a time limit and that all we have is time and we should just take things slow… I agree but I know deep down you have no intentions of loving me like you once did ever again. we end the call at 4 am. you say that you feel much better now after this phone call and I tell you to never leave my life again. you laugh and say okay I won’t… something tells me you’re lying. I ask if you’re happy and you say you don’t know yet… but I’m not. do you care..? of course you don’t.

9/20 (day 09) everything reminds me of you.. I don’t listen to music, I don’t watch tv or movies, I can’t be around my friends unless I’m trashed which is exactly what I did tonight.. I threw a party and smoked and drank until I could no longer feel your breath on me… I danced the pain away and pass out in my bed at 5 am with my friends banging on my door, making sure I’m still alive… I wish I wasn’t

9/21 (day 10) I sleep most of the day away, crying until I fall asleep.. then I dream about you and wake up crying. I wish I could be more like you… carefree and busy. I feel so weak… but that’s probably because the only substance that’s been in my system has been alcohol… everything else I would just throw up so I don’t even bother…

9/22 (day 11) i hate being alone because it reminds me how lonely I am… I go to work, then come home and sleep on my break (dreaming of you is better than not seeing you at all), then I go back to work, and go home to sleep again. at no point in my day would I rather be awake than be asleep, next to you, in my dreams. I go to sleep feeling hollow and aching from the inside out. I’m starting to forget all of the little features on your face I love so much. the scars on your forehead, your lips that you knew were a weakness of mine, those eyes of yours, and let’s not forget about those thick eyelashes that soften you up. I struggle to get a clear image of them all…

9/23 (day 12) I’m watching your favorite tv show that you so desperately wanted me to watch… it’s great. you were right, I love it. I never watched it before this because I wanted to watch it laying next to you. I love how excited you get when you talk about it… I guess we’ll never get to do that now though so I’m watching it alone. I keep imagining you showing up to my door, asking to take me back and apologizing for leaving me in the first place but.. I have a higher chance of getting struck by lightning… you texted me tonight… I froze and my heart dropped because that meant you went out of your way to think of me and I thought you didn’t do that anymore… you asked me how I’m doing and I said I’m okay, and then I asked you how you’ve been and you responded three hours later with “good just got off work”… I didn’t respond. I want you to wonder what I’m doing and I want to consume your mind completely, like you consume mine. I go to sleep trying not to think about the fact that I could talk to you if I really wanted… because I do really want, but I also don’t want what I think is my determination, to turn into desperation.

9/24 (day 13) I texted you today about your favorite show that I’m watching because I just really wanted an excuse to talk to you. you stopped replying after a while… it made my heart hurt because I remember a time when you always, without a doubt responded to my texts… now I’m just not that big of a deal… I have moments where I think that time is healing me and then I realize I don’t want to be healed I just want you back and then I just go right back to square one.

9/25 (day 14) I almost got into a car accident while I was on a road trip to visit some friends and my first thought was to call you so you could calm me down… so I did. I called you. and your phone immediately went to voicemail and that’s when I came to the realization that you aren’t going to be there to be my safe haven anymore… I have to learn to be secure on my own and it scares me more than anything in the world.

9/26 (day 15) the only music I listen to is the music that reminds me of you. I know that’s a bit morbid but I don’t care. if all else fails with us, the music that we shared at one point together will always be there. I wonder if you ever listen

9/27 (day 16) Sunday mornings spent with you were always my favorite… I remember back to the time I was getting ready for church and after coming out of the bathroom you pulled me into bed and… I was very late to church that morning. you could never resist me… and now all you do is resist me. the blood moon solar eclipse was tonight and I wonder if you thought of me when you looked up at it tonight…

9/28 (day 17) work sleep work sleep repeat… I feel like you don’t even miss me anymore… like you just don’t want me in your life anymore..

9/29 (day 18) I came so close to texting you tonight… my parents are talking about getting a divorce and I just want to hear you tell me everything is going to be alright… I don’t know if I believe in love anymore.. not the true kind anyway. not the pure kind. people get bored, the crave someone new when things get hard and they run away from their responsibilities.. I just really don’t believe in anything or anyone anymore

9/30 (day 19) I keep myself distracted tonight by binge watching a tv show. then the screen goes black and I can see my sad red puffy eyes in the reflection looking back at me and I just want to crawl into a shell and never come out… why do I have to live in a world with you but our two universes are separate.. I don’t understand how any loving God could do this to me…

10/1 (day 20) I was so excited to spend October with you… I wonder who you’ll be cuddling next to, if anyone… we were supposed to go to Halloween Horror Nights together.. now whenever my friends bring it up I tell them I’m too freaked out to go…
and that’s partly true.. but not for the reasons they think… I’m scared because that will be just the first of many things we were supposed to do together that I will now be doing alone… and it kills me inside

10/2 (day 21) so it’s day 21 and while every moment doesn’t feel like I’m dying… if something reminds me of you (which is almost everything) I feel my throat close up and my heart drop and i ache all over… so I guess you’re not a habit that can be broken in 21 days… maybe I’ll never break you…
but you sure as hell broke me…

—  21 days to break a habit {via, @lunaunplugged }

for years, I was told I wasn’t pretty enough; I wasn’t thin enough; I wasn’t smart enough; I wasn’t white enough; I wasn’t rich enough; my hair wasn’t straight enough.

I hated the gap in teeth. I refused to smile.
I hated school. I was constantly being teased.
I hated all the comparisons to my sisters. I hated being told I wasn’t good enough.

And here I am. A 22 year old about to receive her degree in Communications. A 22 year old CEO. Here I am loving myself unapologetically in every form - from the kinky coils in my hair, to the melanin skin & the gapped smile on my face.

Here I am starting my own business and loving myself unapologetically regardless of everything & everyone that has brought me down physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Here I am - finally happy. And no one can take that away.



this has been stuck in my head all day oh my god someone get it out


Greg James - I hate being 22

25 Thoughts on 7x05

1. That Bonenzo kiss was … I mean, I don’t really have much to say about it, it could’ve been worse I guess but it mostly made me laugh because this comes out of absolutely NOWHERE. At least give us breadcrumbs of interactions between the two of them that make that scene seem earned and not just “Well we needed to make Enzo relevant and I guess it’s time to give Bonnie another love interest, hmm, let’s just put the two of them together!” When you have breadcrumb interactions and then a reveal you can still be surprised like OMG and go “Oh true.” Like Mondler. Monica and Chandler have scenes from season 1 that are breadcrumb thinly romantic interactions from the fact that he was the one willing to pee on her leg because of the jellyfish to her teaching him how to please his girlfriend to their deal to get married if neither one of them find anyone at thirty so that when they’re in bed together during Ross’ wedding you’re like OMGOMGOMG but OH WAIT YEAH MAKES SENSE. That did NOT happen here. 

2. The writers or directors or producers or whoever seem to be obsessed with the “viewing-a-kiss-through-window” shot this season. Like they did it with Stelena in season 2 and that was cute and they did it again with SC this season and now once more with Bonenzo this past episode. Like there’s a voyeurism fetish happening here and I need someone to dissect why because LOL. 

3. ALARIC COULD NOT JUST BECOME A PROFESSOR AGAIN. He was DEAD. He had a social security number, death certificate, etc. etc. you can’t just waltz back into your old life. At least MENTION the shit he had to go through to get back to his life. My God. 

4. So basically every woman Stefan sleeps with on the show, lays awake the next morning basking in the glory of having had sex with Stefan Salvatore and I think that’s hilariously sweet and awesome and a testament to not only how good Stefan must be in bed but what it means to each woman. Katherine actually silently giggled. Caroline just wanted to wake him up and do it again. Elena watched him sleep in season 2 and in season 1 she had the biggest grin on her face being in his arms and then refused to let him go to school. Rebekah well she was still asleep when Stefan tried to sneak out but later on that episode she was worried he regretted it so I mean, let’s just take a moment to appreciate what a stallion Stefan must be in the sack. 

5. Also Damon coming in and interrupting a Steroline moment is exactly like when he came in and interrupted Stelena in season 1, which makes me roll my eyes because CHOOSE DIFFERENT SCENES, WRITERS but it also makes me wonder if Damon secretly knows that these women (all of whom have slept with him too) actually prefer Stefan in bed than him and he’s salty so he passive  aggressively interrupts them. 

6. The writers constantly making Stefan and Caroline say “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” is so transparent. We get it. They’re together.

7. LOL Stefan’s “That’s interesting” to Damon’s ramble about his love for Elena is a PERFECT shot of what I look and sound like every time the writers shove Delena down our throats.

8. They keep talking about “don’t underestimate Lily” “she’s relentless” “she’s stern” HOW? HOOOOOOW? I’ve seen NOTHING. 

9. There is NO CHEMISTRY between Valerie and Stefan. 

10. Bonnie asking Caroline if there’s still a half naked male beneath the sheets … I mean you don’t need to take ALL your clothes off to have sex, this is true, but it just makes me laugh at how they’re censoring this. Can’t they just say naked? Like can’t Stefan have just been fully naked with Caroline in her bed since they were having. sex. I mean they’re 21!

11. OK this talk was supposed to be about how Bonnie needs some D and it became about Caroline and her relationship with Stefan. Did not take long for her to become the new Elena. 

12. I like how Valerie was Stefan’s first true love and yet Damon actually doesn’t know much about their relationship. OK WRITERS. 

13. Again with the talking. Valerie tells us Julian massacred an entire town. Doesn’t have the same punch if we don’t see him being sadistic. Like why is this so hard for people to understand?

14. That scene with Valerie and Stefan driving and Damon in the back trying to make things uncomfortable for them with the mention of how she broke his heart and how he and Caroline are together is VERY MUCH like the scene in season 5 when Katherine was in the backseat and Damon and Elena were in the front and Katherine made things hella awkward by talking about Stefan. Except that actually WAS awkward because Elena actually was Stefan’s true love and Elena consistently kept choosing Stefan over Damon even when with Damon.

15. So now they’re shoving Bonenzo scenes down our throat and trying to force sexual tension where there is none. Bonnie and Enzo never interacted this way. And banter does not equal sexual tension especially when the banter is terrible. Next. 

16. Also Valerie and Stefan “bickering” is not bickering. THEY DON’T EVEN EMOTE.

17. Oh look parallels between Lily waiting for Julian and Damon waiting for Elena. WhatEVER.

18. At least the show knew that the doctor’s name was Frankenstein and not his monster. At least they did one thing right.

19. Once again Damon manipulates Bonnie into doing something she doesn’t want to do and all she says is “you owe me” writers, WRITERS, every single person on that show owes Bonnie their lives, like they should be grovelling at her feet for eternity. Jfc.

20. Oh look Stefan suddenly “cares” about Valerie. I don’t CARE.

21. The show knows nothing of subtlety or construction of episodes. It’s revealed that Bonezo is a thing at the beginning of the episode, about 15 mins in Bonnie laments about having no love life life then she sees Enzo and all he does is taunt her about having no love life. HOW WOULD HE KNOW? Stop trying to shovel EVERYTHING into one episode. Like this should’ve been cumulating if not from last season then at least the beginning of this one instead of having her follow Damon and Alaric everywhere. In BTVS, Willow becoming a lesbian was NOWHERE NEAR planned and I actually have a lot of issues with the way Joss did it and how Tarwillow actually functioned as a relationship but still there was more buildup than this! And you still had an “oh true” moment when it was revealed she and Tara were dating! AND I HATED TARWILLOW. 

22. Lol I spent all this time being like Valerie and Stefan have no chemistry and they DON’T but when Stefan lists all these things he feels about what happened to Valerie, he emotes more here than he did when he SAW Caroline tortured. 

23. Damon and Bonnie have more chemistry than Bonnie and Enzo. This is all too much.

24. Anti climactic ending.

25. Oh BonKai, how you could’ve made this all better.

As per tradition: @thewitchandlonerdiaries