i had to see for myself

3

Hey! Mark! I just wanted to show you a little something out of all this negative you’ve been seeing. Maybe, hopefully, you’ll see this, and know how INSPIRING just the smallest amounts of positivity can be. Even in the darkest moments….

In 2014 I was very heavy depressed, anxious, and without much hope for my future. I had just gotten out of highschool and had no idea what I wanted to do. I was very down in the dumps, fresh out of an unhealthy long term relationship, living by myself, and my weight was getting to the point where it was endangering my health.

But then my friend showed me some of your videos. I found myself laughing for a long while for the first time in a long time. Because human laughter is contagious. Whether it be through a computer screen or anything else. You and a few other youtubers filled my house with positivity, and your messages of hope, happiness, BETTERING YOURSELF, and being a force for good in this world inspired me to change.

So I got up and did something about it.

It’s now 2017. I am over 100 pounds lighter and STILL working! I am following my dreams and trying my best to push those around me to keep going, Keep fighting. Even though I’m still a work in progress,but everyday I get a little better. I just wanted to (hopefully) show you what being a beacon of hope can do for those around you (or 5,000 miles away.) Thanks for continuing to be an inspiration for those of us who needed a little extra push to fight for ourselves.
@markiplier

anonymous asked:

Hello,what at do you think about Gray willing to use lost iced shell? Did he know he was going to use it when he promised Juvia an answer?

No, I truly don’t think he had planned to use it at all at that time. 

To me, this does not look like the face of a man who is thinking, “yeah, I’m going to kill myself, and erase myself from Juvia and everyone’s memories forever. Can’t wait!” 

No, to me, he looks happy and confident. He had something else planned to defeat both END and Zeref (and I hope we see Gray properly fight in the next few chapters to finally show off more of his devil slaying magic). Plus, if he had intended all along to use lost iced shell, there would be no reason at all for him to bring up Juvia’s feelings, and tell her to expect an answer after the war. If he was planning on sacrificing himself, he would never have broached the subject in the first place, because there would have been no “after the war” for him. 

So, I think he learned Lost Iced Shell during Avatar as a last resort move. Should everything go to shit, well then, at least he could always fall back on this. And the fact that he upgraded it, so that his memory would be forgotten, was out of consideration for his friends, and certainly for Juvia. He knew it would hurt them, and that was always his biggest reason to not use it previously.

That’s why I firmly believe this doesn’t have any connection/affect chapter 453 at all, or the promise to give Juvia an answer. I feel like Mashima wasn’t thinking that deeply about any of this beyond: 499 (and the aftermath, with Gray going on a rampage) was meant to show how much Gray cares about Juvia, and strongly hint at his reciprocal love for her; while 522 and 523 were meant to patch up the rift created by Gray and Natsu attacking each other/redeem Gray for targeting Natsu for being END, and show how much Gray loves Natsu/show that these guys truly are best friends. 

So, Gray’s attempted sacrifices in chapters 499 and 523 were meant to highlight Gray’s most important relationships: The one with the girl he loves, and the one with his best friend. That’s it. 

In any case, I’m just glad Natsu is always there (whether physically, or as a reminder in Gray’s head) to stop Gray from performing iced shell, because really, Gray? Really? (and really, Mashima? Iced shell? AGAIN?) I get the rationale behind it, but if he thinks magically removing himself from people’s memories would seriously ever really fully work (especially on someone like Juvia), then he is sadly mistaken lol.

I’ll never forget, at the top of [Whoopi Goldberg’s Oscar] acceptance speech she said, “Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted this,” which is so rare. Then she said, “As a little kid, I lived in the projects, and you’re the people I watched. You’re the people who made me want to be an actor.” For me, it was like she was saying, “If you want this, you can get it, too. I’m proof that you can.”


I had been seeing myself in this world since I was old enough to do anything, and it was as if she reached through the screen to talk to me. I was that kid.

— 

Lin-Manuel Miranda on His Lifelong Oscars Obsession and Why the Show Still Matters
The Hollywood Reporter
February 20, 2017

“That speech was the inspiration for the opening song I co-wrote for Neil Patrick Harris, ‘Bigger,’ for the 2013 Tony Awards”

How to deal with a hard breakup

Breakups are like wounds. Some are deeper than others. Some seem like they will never heal. I personally had one that affected me very deeply for a very long time. 

After my break up, for the first few weeks, I cried every day and couldn’t eat. I felt so broken, so heart broken. But what I found out, was that I slowly began to heal. And when I say slow. I mean slow. 

The process was hard and required a lot of strength on my behalf. But soon I started eating again, I thought about him less. I was happy again. It was actually really empowering to see myself grow from such a wound. 

So my advice to you is to give yourself time. Give yourself time and give yourself love. You are healing. Surround yourself with people who love and care about you. Love and care for yourself. Do things that make you happy and live for yourself. Self care is a really important part of this. So is realizing that you are wonderful and beautiful no matter what some boy thinks. 

Its a process. Its a journey. Its hard. But you can make it by doing your best every day to just get through the day, and give yourself lots of love. good luck <3

anonymous asked:

I really love following you for your content and your personality and everything about your blog is just lovely. But part of me kind of wonders why you don't just delete/remake due to the inane asks you get sometimes. you handle all of this stuff with such maturity. I know if it was me receiving the kind of backlash you do, I would be long gone. It's kind of inspiring? But at the same time it worries me that continuing to be on this website might be detrimental to your mental health.

Eh, I probably will. I don’t have plans to delete, but I also don’t really see myself keeping my blog past the end of the year. It hasn’t been detrimental to my mental health ‘cause I’ve been in a pretty good place the last couple of years and haven’t had to worry about masking real vulnerabilities.

I’m not sure I’ll have much to say in the approaching future that isn’t discouraging, and I don’t want to contribute to the net misery in the world by sharing my cynicism. Even my own watered-down version of existential nihilism is pretty hard to swallow for most people.

Oh the anti’s, the Karamel anti’s. I don’t know where to start really, you all have been bugging me for a while now but today… today the cup ran over and I can no longer stay silent.

I suppose a lot of you think this relationship is a step back for Kara’s character development, I however, see it another way. The ending scene in 2x12 is the perfect example. Kara confesses to Mon-El that he has trouble opening up to people, and protecting herself and building walls is is something she’d had to do since she was a child. I, myself, Identify a lot with that, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with someone coming along to open you up and challenge you. Though Mon-El is quite thoughtless, and selfish, his character development has been something I’ve enjoyed. They change each other in different ways, and that’s what I like about the relationship. Also that they’re not afraid to call each other out on their crap, and admit when they’re wrong.

Now I’ve seen comments about how this relationship goes against the feminist message of the show, however, I have to disagree. I myself as a feminist, believer of equal rights and all around human being, sees nothing wrong with a girl falling for a guy.

Need I remind you that Kara feels comfort in that Mon-El has the same powers as her, that she doesn’t feel alone, and that she’s felt alone her entire life, and suddenly, now, she doesn’t. 

She’s had trouble being strong for herself her entire life, and is finally brave enough to fall for someone, someone that doesn’t make her feel alone, that drives her crazy, but also someone that has shown himself worthy, even though he’s been wrong.

If you’re really claim to be a feminist, you’d accept a females choice to let herself fall for who she wants. No one forced her to. Mon-El even said times over that he’d be okay with them being just friends if she didn’t feel the same as him.

I’m sick of you treating Karamel like some toxic ship, when it clearly is not. Mon-El has proven time again that he’s able to own up when he’s been wrong, and Kara has made him want to be a better man.

I’ve had enough of some trolls claiming this ship to have ruined the show, it’s clear what they’re building on. It’s clear that they want Kara to be able to stand up for herself, and not just for the people she cares about, and supergirl, but Kara Danvers.

Linnéa, OUT:

For @sorethpid <3 my part in our art trade!! (finally ><”) here’s things getting a little intimate between late taotu Alex and his favourite prof Miles during a particular visit to his office X) the idea came from our discussion around her lovely fic, please check it out if you haven’t already I promise you’ll love it!! <3

thesignedpainter  asked:

Hello again, I had a lot of fun at the Comic Expo. You told me to remind you of myself. I was the cosplayer with the Scarecrow costume. We had a nice conversation about the science of art, our art experiences, and I showed you a few pieces of my art. I'd love to talk to you.

oh yes!!! I remember you! Hello. XD well send me some tumblr asks if you want to know any advice like at con or whatever and I may or may not be able to reply to them! :D 


(I say may or may not because I get so many asks, that I don’t even get to see them all, but I try my best!) 

I hate the view that people have on others who self harm or have mental illnesses. When people found out I self harmed they said that I “couldn’t be telling the truth” that I “didn’t look like someone who would do that” that I was “too pretty to do that to myself” . I had lots of friends in school, played volleyball and softball there and was captain on both teams, I had a wonderful family and all the support in the world, but just because I had these things doesn’t mean I’m not the “right kind of person” to have a mental illness. EVERYONE has things that they battle. You may not be able to physically see it on the outside but EVERYONE has something. Just because I looked happy and had everything I needed, doesn’t mean I didn’t have things happen to me that your couldn’t see. You couldn’t see that I was sexually assaulted, physically and emotionally abused by my so called “best friend”, you couldn’t see that I struggled so much to keep up in school that I stayed after every day for 5 hours, just so I didn’t fail out of the classes. They couldn’t see that I starved myself for months and made myself throw up when I did eat something, thanks to the baggy clothes I wore. Pain is not always seen, struggles are not always seen. Don’t think that someone is fine because they just “look it”. 

The painting is taking longer than I thought it would, so here’s the sketch

The second of 7 ways Otayuri decide to be cute af

Also on AO3 | FF.net

“Are you sure I’m doing this right?” Otabek frowned at the back of Yuri’s head.

“Sorry to break it to you, but I can’t see what you’re doing.”

Otabek looked over Yuri’s shoulder, to check the instructions in the YouTube video that was playing in front of them. Every few seconds, Yuri had to pause so Otabek had time to follow the instructions given.

“I told you I wasn’t any good at this.”

“And I told you I couldn’t do it myself.” Yuri winced slightly when Otabek pulled on his hair too hard.

Otabek mumbled an apology and continued braiding Yuri’s hair.

“And?” Yuri asked the moment Otabek was finished.

“It looks like shit.” He decided.

“Of course it looks like shit, this was only your first time. You’ll get better over time.” Yuri stood and walked over to the closest mirror. “You’re right, it does look like shit.” He turned his head a few times to look at his hair from different angles. “I like it.”

Otabek waved a hand at him. “Come back here, I want to redo it.”

Yuri thought about it. “No.”

Otabek rubbed his eyes. “I guess it’s my turn now, isn’t it?”

Yuri turned around, a big smile on his face. “I knew there was a reason you wanted to redo my braid.”

“Of course,” Otabek said slowly while eyeing the box that was overflowing with pins and clips.

Contrary to Otabek, Yuri didn’t need very long – or a tutorial – to decorate the dark hair with colorful accessories.

“You should definitely do this more often, it suits you.” Yuri looked at the final result of his doing.

Otabek sighed, but did check himself out in the mirror. “I expected worse to be honest.”

“See?” Yuri stood next to him, admiring both their reflections. “It definitely looks good on you.” He got a thoughtful look on his face before pulling out his phone. “I’ve got a great idea.”

“No you don’t.” Otabek tried to get away, but Yuri grabbed his arm.

“Yes I do.”

“Only if you don’t send it to anyone.”

“I promise.” Yuri grinned. “Only because you look so cute like this, I don’t want anyone else to see you like this.”

Otabek laughed. “You know I have an image to maintain.”

“As the ‘cool, dependable guy’ right? Don’t worry about it, everyone already knows you’re secretly a big softie.”

“Unlike you.”

Yuri winked at mirror-Otabek. “You know me. Now smile.”

Double The Distractions

Originally posted by mitchtheficus

This is part 2 of 3!

Description: Someone walked in on Enzo and Y/n. Hmm.. Do they join in on the fun?

Warnings: Double the Smut?

Notes: I’ve been in a huge slump and haven’t posted anything on my main blog in a few months, so I was pretty determined to complete this part. The 3rd part should be in the works soon. I had help from the all so lovely @imagines–assemble for mostly the first half, but then I kinda did the rest myself, with her editing.

Let the smut train start up again!

“Mmn…” you moaned, your fingers tight against the armrest of the couch. You were still bent over, getting pounded into by Enzo and you looked at the door as you heard a voice. Seeing who that voice belonged to caused you to blush deeply.

“Zo, when did you plan on tellin’ me you weren’t gonna share her?” Cass growled as he stood in the doorway. He walked in and closed the door behind him, locking it with a click.

Enzo chuckled. “Hey, it’s your fault. You’re the one that decided to lock my ass outta the locker room after I showered, big guy.” He heard you whimper, looking at where your gaze was and he smirked. Seeing you staring and licking your lips at the bulge growing in the front of Cass’ jeans, Enzo smirked. “Looks like she wants you to join in, Cass. Don’t wanna keep our baby girl waiting…”

Cass smiled, unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans before shoving them down. He stepped out of them, along with his boxers and fisted his cock. He grinned when he heard you whine for him as you kept staring. “This what you want little one?” He chuckled as he saw you nod your head frantically. He walked over to you as you were being jolted forward with every thrust from Enzo, moaning softly as you looked up at Cass with a lustful gaze and he groaned in response. “Fuck, what’d you do to the innocent girl that we’re both weak for, Zo?”

Enzo grinned. “I think that girl disappeared when she felt my hard cock against her stomach after she found me stranded and stark naked in the hallway, Cass.”

Cass smirked and ran his fingers through your hair, his other hand still fisting his massive cock. He grabbed your hair, weaving his fingers through your tresses as he pulled back roughly. The action produced a moan from you, making you lick your lips as you stared up at him and into his eyes. “What is it that you want, little one? You gotta use your words, baby…” Cass leaned down, murmuring in your ear as he nipped at it.

“Mmn…Please let me suck your cock, Big Daddy…”

Cass groaned at the name. “Fuck did she just-”

Amore laughed. “The Daddy bit might be my fault, but Big Daddy fits you, considering you are a fuckin’ giant.” You were growing impatient as you saw Cass’ large member right in front of you but he saw fit to talk instead. You were getting tired of waiting on him and if he wasn’t gonna use his cock then you would certainly put it to good use.

“Well I didn’t say that I didn’t like it. Especially coming from her it sounds so- Fuck!” Cass was caught off guard as he looked down at you. You had taken one of Enzo’s harder thrusts that shoved you forward and took Cass in your mouth. Keeping grip on the couch, you were quickly engulfing his massive cock in your wet mouth and caught him off guard. You proudly smirked around him when you heard Cass’ grunts and moans, his grip in your hair tightening. “S-shit! S-such a good girl…My God…”

Enzo saw you take Cass in as they were talking and his eyes went wide when he saw how eager you were and how much you fit in your mouth. “Damn, I don’t think we’ll ever see her as innocent again, Cass…” He smirked, giving a harsh smack to your ass, causing you to moan around Cass’ cock. “I also found out somethin’…The times this naughty girl runs past us when we’re headed to our matches is ‘cause she’s rushing to her locker room to touch herself…While she’s watchin’ us fight, big guy…” He grunted as he began thrusting into your pussy faster.

“Ah, are you serious?” Cass sighed, stroking your hair as you hummed around his shaft. “She really gets off watching us in the ring?” he smirked down at you and you shot the giant a teasing wink. “Sounds like our kinda girl, Zo. Maybe we should have her ringside, then she has to suffer out there…But then again, if she did that and behaved, she’d definitely be rewarded afterwards…”

Enzo nodded in response to Cass as he continued to talk.

“Maybe we should do this more than once, Zo…What do you think, baby?” He grasped your hair and tugged to tilt your head back and you bit your lip.

“Mmn…that sounds wonderful, Big Daddy but right now I…I need you both all the time.” you keened and Cass grinned as he gently stroked your cheek.

Enzo grinned. “I’m sure Cass would love to taste that sweet pussy of yours, doll…She really does taste delicious, Cass…”

The larger man growled. “You fucker…You know I’ve been dying to taste her!”

Enzo chuckled and pulled out of your pussy, causing you to whimper at the loss. He changed the position by pulling you onto his lap with your back against his chest, spreading your legs. He reached between you two as his cock was against your lower back and used the cum that covered his cock from your orgasm, coating his fingers and rubbing them against your puckered hole.

“You wanna taste her, big guy? Then get your loud mouth over here and taste her. I only got to suck her juices off of my fingers.” Enzo chuckled.

“Certainly don’t gotta tell me twice!” Cass grinned as he moved, quickly kneeled in front of you and Enzo. He held your legs open, trailing kisses along your inner thighs. Gazing up at you, Cass winked as he flattened his tongue and licked over your lips slowly. The motion caused you to moan, sending a delightful shiver up your spine as he continued. At the time he did that, Zo slowly started inching a finger inside your asshole, causing you to whimper.

“Daddy!”

He smirked, slowly slipping another finger in and you let a cry escape you. “Fuck! D-daddyy…It h-hurts…” You squirmed, causing him to gently put an arm around your waist.

“Shh…it’s alright baby. You gotta stay still for Big Daddy to taste you…” He whispered in your ear as he continued to move his fingers around inside your puckered hole.

You whimpered and felt your toes curl as Cass devoured your cunt. Gasping as you felt him rubbing your lips with two of his thick, long fingers. “Ahh…B-big daddy…?”

Cass gazed up at you, making a show of wiggling his tongue over your clit before stroking your lips slowly. “Mmn…fuck. Such a delicious little pussy…I know my fingers are big little one, just relax for big daddy…Think you can do that?” He bit his lip when you nodded and slowly slipped his fingers inside, hearing you gasp. “Fuck…such a good girl…Taking mine and Zo’s fingers in both holes…Does it feel good, baby girl?” He asked, then went right in and pulled your sensitive clit between his lips and suckled roughly on it.

You gasped, also releasing a loud cry as the pleasure took over. “H-aah! F-feels so good…mmh…”

Enzo removed his fingers and began to tease your puckered hole with his cock, earning a whimper from you. He kept a tight hold of you around your stomach as he whispered in your ear. “Shh…It’s alright, baby. I won’t be too rough unless you ask for it, I promise. Now, just relax for daddy and keep letting big daddy devour that amazing little pussy of yours…”

You nodded and soon you gasped loudly, feeling him slowly slide into you from behind. “Haah…D-daddyy…h-hurtss…nngh…” You closed your eyes tightly and whimpered at the size of him and the foreign feeling.

Enzo moved to kiss and suck at your neck lovingly. “Shh…It’s alright baby.” He moved his hands down to rub at your sides to calm and soothe you. He felt your body relax in his arms and smiled softly. “Atta’ girl…” He slowly moved his hips, giving a few test thrusts and when your whimpers of pain turned to moans of pleasure, he picked up a steady tempo.

Cass gazed up at you as he removed his fingers, licking your juices off of them. “C’mon baby girl, cum for big daddy…If you cum for big daddy, the next thing I shove in here will be much bigger and way more satisfying…” He leaned back in and thrusted his tongue deep inside, wiggling it around.

You arched your back and squirmed, feeling Zo wrap an arm around you from behind to keep you still, along with deep thrusts. “Ah! B-big daddy…! G-gonna-” Your walls clenched around his tongue when you released for him, panting and moaning as Cass hungrily lapped up your juices.

Cass stood up slowly, licking his lips and humming in satisfaction. “Mmn…Zo was right, princess. Your pussy is by far the best pussy I’ve ever tasted…” He fisted his massive cock and you whimpered, wanting to be filled to the brim. He grunted as he basically lunged forward and caged you in between him and Zo. He teased your sensitive pussy, feeling the lips quiver around his cock. “You want big daddy’s cock, huh princess?” He grinned when you nodded frantically. “Use these pretty lips and say what you want, baby.” He said as he caressed your face in one hand, running his thumb over your bottom lip.

You panted as Enzo kept thrusting from behind, your eyes barely able to stay open. “Ah! P-please pound my pretty little pussy, big daddy…I need you to fill me up, please!” You gazed into his eyes with lust and innocence in your own eyes.

Cass groaned and bit his lip, fisting his cock a few more times, leaning in and slowly sliding his massive cock into your tight cunt. He gasped and groaned out. “H-oh fuck… Such a tight little pussy…should we see if it can take all of me, baby?”

You nodded and whimpered. “Ahh…please big daddy…I-I need it all.” You bit your lip shyly.

Enzo and Cass looked at each other, surprised by your begging and how vocal you were being. “Fuck…she’s beggin’ for ya, big guy. Don’t make her wait…” Zo reached for your breasts, massaging and kneading them roughly as he also played with your peaks.

Cass nodded and took a deep breath, thrusting the rest of himself inside your tight cunt. Groaning loudly as he felt your muscles contract around his girth. “O-oh shit…” He pulled out slowly and thrusted back in, watching your pussy take every inch, shocking him.

Enzo looked at Cass. “Is it all in, big guy?” When he nodded, Zo was surprised too. “Damn…such a pretty little pussy taking in every inch of that cock?”

You whimpered and clawed at Cass’ chest. “P-please m-move…big daddy…”

Cass nodded and gripped your hips as he began a steady rhythm of thrusting. Grunting while he looked down to where your bodies met, he was still amazed as you took every inch. “Mmn fuck…Such a tight little pussy and it’s taking every single inch of this massive cock…such a good girl…”

You threw your head back as you grasped onto Cass. Feeling your head get turned, you didn’t resist as you were feeling so full from the pleasure that it clouded your mind. Your lips met Enzo’s as they both continued their pleasure filled assault on your body.

Cass watched as you shared a very intimate kiss with Zo and groaned. He felt you begin to grind against them both, hearing Zo grunt and try to hold you still. “Looks like daddy is close, baby…Make ‘im cum…” He grinned.

You broke the kiss and nodded, grinding roughly back against Enzo as he kept thrusting. You met his thrusts, causing him to grip your breasts roughly as he threw his head back and released inside your asshole with a moan of your name.

Cass grinned and licked his lips as he shifted. Lifting you from Enzo and sitting down, his back planted against the leather of the couch with you straddling his hips. He pulled you back on his cock, earning a cry as this position allowed him to go even deeper. He gripped your hips and began moving you up and down his cock. “Yeah…such a good little girl…taking all of my cock so deep inside this little pussy.” He grunted and leaned back as he felt you take control of riding him.

You rode him hard, placing your hands on his chest and clawing at him roughly as the pleasure continued to build. “Mmn…big daddy’s cock feels so fucking good in my tight little pussy…I can’t get enough of it.”

Cass grinned, licking his lips. “Yeah? Big daddy makes his lil’ princess feel that good, huh?” He gripped your hips, holding you still as he began to plow into you from below, grunting.

Enzo laid back and smirked, listening to his giant friend pleasing their girl. He relaxed as he began plotting his revenge on his massive buddy.

You cried out as you felt your walls clench around his cock in almost a death grip, panting heavily. “D-daddy! G-gonna c-cum!”

Cass grunted and kept up his pace, increasing speed ands he plowed roughly and quickly into you, earning another cry from you. “C'mon my lil’ princess…Cum all over big daddy’s cock…” Cass kissed you roughly before he moved to your neck to mark you as he felt your walls spasm around his girth, releasing all over his cock. Earning a low grunt and long groan from him, he held you down roughly on his massive cock.

You saw his reactions and knew he was close, whimpering. “C'mon big daddy…fill up my pretty little pussy with your cum…pleasee…oh god, please big daddy…” You begged.

He threw his head back and pulled you close against him as he felt himself shoot string after gooey string of his cum inside you. He tangled his fingers in your hair as he panted heavily, but he pulled you in for a passionate kiss. “Fuck…That was fuckin’ amazing…” He mumbled.

Enzo chuckled and nodded. “You’re tellin’ me, big guy.”

You yawned softly and snuggled close into Cass’ large body. He chuckled when you purred softly as he lovingly stroked your hair.

Cass and Enzo chuckled as they watched you drift to sleep in Cass’ arms.

“Looks like you gotta carry her to her hotel room, Cass.”

Cass smiled softly. “Fine by me. We wore out our lil’ princess. She deserves the rest.” He kissed the top of your head softly and smiled a bit more as he saw a smile break out on your face as you slept in his arms.

People to Tag: @wwesmutdonedirtcheap @thiickreigns @darlingkatrina @cynda-wrasslin @cynda-kiwi @withwordslikeweapons @crookedmoonsaultpunk

hologram and flamingo, superimposed / a garden of ghosts

I planted a ghost in my yard
a garden of ghosts
I will pour them with moonlight for a better growth
speedy bearing of transparent fruits

I shall
violate my words
and throw them into dirt

I am I unless
stated otherwise

I am a universe
itself,
myself
a universe

why
me?

alas
as is

alas
as in
alas

it lasts
as lists
it lasts

at least
it lasts

the only medium in which
I could have written “I love you,”
is a brick of soap
and the white tiled wall

allegedly
angel

latex; no–
no longer

if          I           could          keep         silence

silence          would         have          kept        me

I would sustain my living on two crumbs:
one, shared with furry birds,
another, with the disembodied tongue of flame.
I would have done it
as I had had it done
if I was not afraid
to find myself
 [white]
in a sterile room.

see you
in demolished
Disneyland

discoloration

slides

propaganda

Narcissus
susurrus
       froufrou
have you seen Narcissus?
       where is he?

who are you?

is the absence of memory
a rectangular
black
picture?

sacral space of the temple; tombs with female silhouettes stopped mid-collapse, in their silent crying over the graves–a mosaicked floor with a crack running across the whole width, I imagine. strange why one can never dwell in such spaces and why should they be quickly substituted for something else.
“ok,” he said. “back to nihil.”
it is a wrinkle on the surface of existence
a transparent kiss transmitted through wireless network
“oh
you were so hot.” exterminating fire.
nothing adorns a woman like        her lover
                       her son           her husband
her position                      her former husband                            her past
her title                                 a president                                      her future
her profession                           of a country
her family                            or enterprise
her hair                                       her purse                                  her make up
                         no                      no                   her garden
              her trained, attended to, her dried, her cared-for body
        nothing adorns a woman like the Nobel prize in literature
                                                                                    chemistry
                                                                                       physics
                       better yet                                                                    a scare
             diamonds        a bevy of female friends
            a mansion        a green lawn
                                    a poodle eating noodles
                her daughter                
           her pierced nose
         her purple hair
     no pink
 her long eyelashes                      nothing
                                                   nothing
                                                                      no
                                                                      thing
            adorns a

The last conversation I had with someone I’m falling in love with.

We had talked on the phone about where we were, and I didn’t want to cry so I shut myself up and sounded really mean. I immediately regretted my tone, so I messaged him back and this is what we said.

We’ve been seeing each other for 4 months, but because of his last relationship (which lasted 3 years) that he was dumped from, he’s too terrified to commit fully again. He’s told me time and time again how much he likes me, but he can’t give me a relationship.

He’s going away to Europe for two months, promising to catch up with me when he gets back. He’s got to be one of the most wonderful guys I’ve ever met; kind, caring, extremely intelligent, passionate and stupidly attractive. 4 months seems like such a small amount of time, but I’m confident when I say I’ve never felt this strongly for anyone before.

We’re giving each other a break until he gets back, but I’m scared I may have pushed him too much and that he won’t be interested once he’s back in the country. Now I’m just here, waiting and hoping that he’ll feel even an atom of what I feel when we see each other again …

we played the mayhem brawl earlier on hollywood def and the 5th guy on our team picks 3rd dps. hanzo. quad’s suggesting he switch to s76 but they just reply ‘k.’ in chat and he climbs up next to me on the building, so i can see he’s not gonna switch

but we also had jordan on zarya (along w/ jing on sombra and myself as ana)

i boosted him five times

after he gets a fucking quad graviton dragonstrike, i say in the vc, “you must be feeling proud of yourself for not switching”

he gets multiple other gravstrikes and we win the game. they don’t even cap first. he gets epic on the cards in seconds. i gotta say, the fucker deserved it

One of my partners has recently gone sober; I myself have been through rehab for eating disorders. I wanted to see if you had advice for what I and our other partner could do to support her? She has reached out to people and is going to AA meetings.

I asked a friend of mine who is polyamorous and 5 years sober for some thoughts - so this is my very first Polyamory Advice Guest Blogger column! Yay! Here’s what my friend has to say:

It’s great that you want to help and that you’re reaching out for advice! Not everyone going into recovery has understanding friends who proactively want to help, and you can be a great asset. 

A very important thing to remember is that everyone’s recovery journey is unique, and you should never assume you know what will help, even if you have gone through something similar yourself.

As with poly relationships, communication is key - let her know you support her and want to help, then ask her what she wants/needs. The answer might be “nothing,” or “I don’t know,” in which case I suggest you keep asking what you can do as time goes on and when it seems appropriate - many times the first offer can be seen as a token attempt, and repeatedly saying you want to help lets her know you mean it.

That said, here are a few things I and people I know have found helpful from friends, all with the caveat that if she says she wants something different you should respect her word above mine.

- Don’t radically change the way you act around her. Being overprotective or tip-toeing around the subject of alcohol is more likely to annoy her than help her. Her life is undergoing radical change, and there’s tremendous value in friends and partners who stay firm and stable throughout.

- Explicitly let her know that you support her sobriety but will also stay with her through a relapse, if one were to happen. A common danger point is someone relapsing but being too afraid to tell their support network because they don’t want to disappoint them, leaving them without the resources they need to get sober again.

- Give her permission to set clear boundaries, but don’t set her boundaries for her. Make offers like “if you want me to hide the alcohol in my place when you come over, just let me know,” or “hey, I’m happy to not drink when we go out, would that be helpful?” Hopefully this will make her feel comfortable enough to ask for what she needs without prompting, too.

- Don’t inform others about her sobriety without her explicit permission. Especially early on, many people in recovery need to control who knows and how they find out. Don’t out someone’s sobriety without permission, just as you wouldn’t out them about being queer/poly/kinky/etc.

- Take care of yourself. Make sure you’re keeping up with whatever recovery work, therapy, self-care, medication, etc. you’re on. It’s not selfish - it’s why airplanes always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first! You can’t help someone else if you’re fighting for your own survival. 

- Don’t discount the incredible usefulness of practical help. Driving her to an AA meeting, helping with paperwork for a therapist, doing some laundry or dishes, taking her car in for maintenance because the little light thingie has been on forever - whatever it takes to reduce the background anxiety and overall life clutter that can feel overwhelming or like a major obstacle when you’re working on your mental health.

Good luck to her, and to you! Recovery is not an easy or painless process, but it is worth it.

P.S. Since this isn’t a question unique to polyamory, know that you can also get support experts in the field. Al-Anon is an organization designed to help people whose loved one is dealing with addiction, so check to see if there is a chapter in your area! If she is getting pushback from mental healthcare providers or people in her AA group about having multiple partners supporting her in recovery, check to see if there is an LGBTQ-specific AA meeting in the area or a poly-friendly professional she can work with.

B1A4 CONCERT ENDED AND I JUST FINISHED HI-TOUCH

I HELD JINYOUNG’S HANDS FOR A GOOD 5 SECONDS BECAUSE I WAS HOLDING HIS RIGHT HAND WITH MY RIGHT HAND WHILE HANDING HIM A LETTER WITH MY LEFT HAND TO HIS LEFT HAND. HE SMILED AT ME OMGGGGGGGG

I HAD A VERY GOOD VIEW, THERE WAS LIKE ONE GIRL IN FRONT OF ME, I WAS PRACTICALLY SECOND ROW OF PIT

I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH JINYOUNG LIKE 3 TIMES

I GOT ALL OF THEIR ATTENTION ACTUALLY

I GOT SO WET (what I mean by this is that they kept throwing water to the audience and I was SOAKED! JINYOUNG AND BARO KEPT DUMPING WATER ON ME)

I PRACTICALLY RECORDED THE ENTIRE CONCERT

I’M SO HAPPY THAT I FINALLY GOT TO SEE B1A4 AND I HAD A VERY GREAT TIME I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I’M IN LOVE WITH JINYOUNG I NEED THAT MAN FOR MYSELF

a letter to my ex

Last week I opened up the drawer in my vanity and pulled out a picture of us. The picture is still as it was the day that it was printed, smooth and free of imperfections. Your arms are around me, your chin on my shoulder, and god I looked so fucking happy that I still don’t always understand what happened.  It’s been two years and I thought about how long I had that photo neatly tucked away somewhere that I couldn’t see it, somewhere that I couldn’t cause any damage to it the way that I did to us. I’ve apologized to you, so many times, but I feel like none of them have ever really registered, not when they’re always like this, just letters on a screen.

I’m sorry for the monster that I became in the time leading up what happened to us. I’m sorry for  who I was after, and who I let myself remain for too long. I became a darker version of myself, I became someone who even I couldn’t recognize and I hurt a lot of people around me.

I feel like in a way it isn’t fair because these other people gave me the opportunity to fix what I had done in person, to repair and mend friendships and make them stronger, and I’ll never get that with you.

I’ll always have this half friendship, this half unexplained, half anger, half hurt, half, half, half. Always stuck without a resolution.

Sometimes I think about this day that I had called you, it was when I was at my lowest, I don’t know if you remember. I was at work, and I was sitting on this really old staircase that still had carpet from the 70s, it was this really awful red and brown color. I called you while I was sitting there, and I couldn’t stop crying. I had never dealt with depression the way I was dealing with it then, I had never felt its slithering tendrils grip onto me like that before. Everything I knew was falling around me, everything I had created and built for myself falling apart. It felt like being trapped in a burning building, like I was suffocating but the flames just wouldn’t let me die. And that’s all I wanted, fuck I wanted it so bad that every day I was fighting myself over it.

I was crying so much that I could barely see the room, could barely even feel myself sitting down.

I don’t even know how you understood what I was saying, I just knew that I was falling apart and your number is the one I dialed.

That was when you still picked up.

You don’t answer my calls anymore.

I understand, I mean, I don’t know if I would want to answer my calls either. They wouldn’t have the same context but I can sit here and say that it’s only because I still want to hear your voice. There’s a comfort to it, and there’s days where I wish it was a comfort that I didn’t know. At least if I didn’t know it, then I could never miss it.

When I was that person I did things that I don’t remember, I said things that I can’t believe I would even think of. I let the creature in me take over and lock away the softer side.

All I wanted was to be self destructive, all I wanted was to see how much more I could push myself, to see if I could handle more hurt. I wanted to see what it was that was finally going to break me for good.

It took me four more months after that phone call to finally become the shattered pieces that I wanted to be, because the only way to fix myself was to actually break. Nothing killed me, not physically anyways. Maybe it’s the reason why I’m a little bit arrogant now, because I know I can survive.

I know that even now I’m not the person I was before the darker times, and I’m ok with that because the person I am now wants more out of life, the person I am now wants more for others as well. I may be more opinionated but it’s my passion to help others that makes me that way, my passion to make sure that people don’t break the way that I did.

There’s a point to all of this. It’s just taking me awhile to get there.

You don’t care for me the same that you do, because I know you see the person who lashed out, you see the person that set the sun and pulled up the night, and I’m sorry that you were witness to that, that you had a narrative in that story.

You had asked me to be your friend and I was still fucking awful and I think about that the most. That you asked something of me and I couldn’t even do it right. It’s why now, you could ask anything of me, and I would do it, because I will never be able to make up to you what I did.

My heart wont ever let things fully die, and it keeps telling me that you’ll never hear me sing off key again and that I wont see you roll your eyes at me, that we both wont smile when you tell me that I sound horrible and that I tell you that I wont do it anymore. But then that night when we go to read a story together I sing the first page of ‘The Bell Jar’ and you groan but let me do it anyways.

I’m getting to it, I’m getting to it. Give me a minute.

Do you know that I can’t even remember the first time that we said “I love you”? It’s not that it wasn’t memorable, it’s because I made myself forget and I hate myself for that. I hate that even at my worst I still loved you so much that I never wanted to feel that way again.

I always say that things aren’t about deserving, I’ve preached it so many times, but when it comes to you I bite back that opinion because people like me don’t deserve to be around people like you. And I wish I didn’t think that, but it’s always there, every time I talk to you, how I don’t even deserve a simple text message. Maybe I’m a bit masochistic, maybe I like keeping myself stuck in the “pain and guilt” stage of grief.

Maybe it’s my very own purgatory, where I stay in this little cut out where we’re still some semblance of friends but I’m always wishing things were different.

I know that they’ll never be, and that we’ll always have this weird kind of friendship but it’s better than nothing. Maybe we’ll always be better as friends. Maybe one day I’ll no longer feel jealousy when it comes to you. Maybe one day I’ll feel about you, the way you do about me, and we’ll both just be happy for each other regardless of what happens in our lives. Maybe one day I’ll have moved on too and we’ll have these separate lives and different stories, and maybe then we don’t even think about each other, and maybe things will no longer remind me of you. Maybe then I can look at the books we read and not even remember that I shared those pages with you, maybe then I can finally get rid of all of the things that I kept, all of the things that I lied about and said that they were gone. Maybe then colors will just be colors and they won’t remind me of your shirts, or your favorite team, or anything at all that has to do with you. That I can finally look at that white dress and not immediately think, ‘I was wearing that the first time we kissed.’ Maybe then I can laugh and not remember all of the times that you made me smile. Maybe then I’ll no longer feel the weight of guilt because you’re happy and I’ve told myself that’s all that matters, and maybe then I actually mean it.

I’m sorry that to this day I’m never fully honest with you.

You were always something unexpected to me.