Ragethirst Highlights - Dragon Inn/Dragons Gate Inn
I was drafted by Hal and Dream into writing the highlights for this stream, so I preface this by saying that I had to ask @paint-the-wall-with-bullets for the plot a fourth of the way through, upon which I connected the dots.
- The ragethirst was visited today by a smol, who graced us with kpop for a short time
- ling tried to make moves on everyone assembled, as per usual
- donnie appeared for all of five minutes in the beginning of the movie to look very pretty and to torture an official to death to establish the plot
- many disparaging comments were made about his makeup
- which were equally balanced out by those who liked it
- (personally I think it was a bit Much, but he did resemble a peacock dressed in gold filigree, so 50/50, could take or leave it)
- outfit 1
- donnie’s playing a eunuch, which lead to us trying to goad @evocating into writing Forbidden City fanfic starring ballsless sex, because the rest of us don’t have the research background for this brand of historical erotica
- the official’s entire family was killed except for one boy and one girl
- our heroine, played by Brigitte Lin, who I referred to for the rest of the movie as ‘the lady drunkard who crossdresses and fights well’ appears at this point with a band of renegade mercenaries to snatch the kids off
- donnie watches all of this from the cliffs above from the middle of his entourage
- no really
- outfit 2
- there’s a lot of fighting on horseback and by ‘fighting on horseback’ I mean people turning horses around in circles, yelling, and waving around prop swords while the wind kicks up sand everywhere
- donnie gets to use the Force
- our heroes, kids in tow, sojourn to this inn in the middle of the desert near a pass through the mountains they can use
- as framing for said inn we’re treated to a scene of Maggie Cheung, playing the role of the cannibal (more on that later) innkeeper mistress seducing a man and then brutally murdering him via several throwing knives to the face
- down the chute he goes
- for those interested, he gets turned into meat buns (that was the later)
- the butcher is very skilled at chopping (I swear to god this becomes salient even more later)
- our innkeeper Immediately susses out that the crossdresser is crossdressing because she is not attracted to her womanly ways
- I say this but the next scene after the obligatory This Meat Tastes Off, Don’t Eat It bit is something like twenty minutes of a fight between our crossdressing heroine and the innkeeper in the bath that consists of knives shredding cloth and stealing clothes off of each other
- words were exchanged to the effect of ‘you have a very lovely body’ ‘as do you’
- the innkeeper loses
- she ends up topless
- while vaulting onto the top of the inn(??), the innkeeper is interrupted in the middle of her bawdy(???), topless(??????) song by the arrival of a third party
- Tony Ka Fai Leung plays a doctor romantically involved with our crossdressing heroine
- he arrives on two camels. Take this as you will.
- He Banters with the innkeeper, who promptly decides she wants to keep him
- there was so much crosstalk about “the weather” and “candles”
- alas, this
perfect setup for poly is not used
- at some point
all the asians in chat completely derailed the conversation by
expounding on all the different kinds of meat and how good they were
- Bone Marrow. Bone marrow was elected universal king
- Special mention goes to the consumption of insects. Excellent source of protein!
- At some point
during above conversation government officials acting at donnie’s
behest arrive at the inn, where they’re all conveniently trapped
by the desert weather (it wasn’t Entirely a metaphor)
- two of the officials’ party get struck by lightning and dragged off to be turned into meat buns
- maybe a goat too
- a very fake roasted goat makes an appearance
- the butcher gets to show off his skills via deboning the whole thing and turning the meat into deli slices (I swear this is also salient)
- there’s a very tension-laden showdown wherein two tables are broken and the doctor and the main official end up having ‘a toast to nothing’
- our party is still stuck because of the weather and the officials keeping an eye
- the doctor does a reverse honeypot to seduce the innkeeper into letting their party use the secret tunnels out so they can transport the kids
- the seduction involves a one night stand after getting married by the government official of said standoff before
- the doctor also does some Investigation at some point and discovers the people-chute
- also terrifies the butcher by turning out to be alive
- somehow the honeymoon turns into a fight
- which quickly turns into a full-out brawl between all parties in the inn
- shoutout to the innkeeper who literally grinds up one of the officials’ men in the fight, fills a bucket with his blood, and then throws in the old man official’s face before stabbing him while screaming about making him eat his own blood
- so much fake blood everywhere
- donnie and the army he’s leading arrive in the middle of this
- the inn gets
stormed by said army
- horses ride all over it
- in the ruckus of the fight above, our crossdressing heroine (who is no longer crossdressing and is probably a bit drunk from drowning her sorrows over the honeymoon that doesn’t involve her), tries to get the kids out
- she runs into said army and gets shot by an arrow and has to come back
innkeeper, faced with her imminent bodily safety, gets everyone
through the tunnels (everyone being the kids, the doctor, the
butcher, the crossdressing heroine, herself, and a kitchen sink)
- the tunnel
pops out behind the front line, but one of the kids accidentally
lets go of a red sash, which Happens to drift back to where donnie’s
- upon which he Ｐ Ｒ Ｏ Ｍ Ｐ Ｔ Ｌ Ｙ Ｆ Ｌ Ｉ Ｅ Ｓ onto a horse and starts chasing after them
- outfit 3
- his makeup has gotten Worse
- donnie loses the horse to a stiff breeze and ends up chasing after the party on foot
- the kids are sent ahead with the butcher while the rest stay to make a stand against donnie, who is naruto running across the dunes to them
- A Fight
- we can’t see shit because of the goddamn sand blowing everywhere
- it’s mostly
just dramatic swordplay at this point, but donnie loses his hairtie
to a stray cut and also gets nicked in the face at some point??
- he’s really rocking the chirrut colors here
- there is a
pause to regroup
- upon which there is a long pan
- it’s from donnie’s chest down his skirts to his ankles
- why? we’re not initially clear
- AS IT TURNS OUT THE PAN IS TO SHOWCASE THAT THEY’RE APPARENTLY IN QUICKSAND.
- EVERYONE IS SUNKEN UP TO THE CHEST
- INCLUDING DONNIE, WHO HAS HELD ABOVE POSE ALL THROUGH IT
after we realize the above fact, donnie changes his pose
- he fucking. Landsharks through the sand
- I honestly have no other words to describe it
- he carves his own trench?? the sand flies up???
- he fucking nyooms through the sand my guys
- DO WE REMEMBER THAT VIDEO OF THE MOOSE JUST FUCKING CARVING ITS WAY THROUGH THE CHEST-HIGH SNOW IN CANADA
- BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE THAT
- “MOVE I’M GAY” - donnie in this fight
- we have been laughing ever since donnie lost his hairtie because his goddamn face when it happened was ATROCIOUS, I hope someone screencapped it for posterity
- BUT AT THIS POINT WE TOTALLY LOSE IT
- I AM LAUGHING SO HARD THERE ARE LITERAL TEARS IN MY EYES
- “MOOOOOOOOOO YAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!” - the doctor, dramatically, overwrought, as the crossdressing heroine is stabbed
- attempts to drive off donnie are made. they’re not very successful.
- Breakdancing fighting ensues
- the innkeeper leaves mo yan in the sand to die as she tries to help with the fight
- “MOOOOOOO YAAAAANNNNN!!!!” - the doctor, as he dives for mo yan, sinking into the sand, and misses her hand in time to pull her out
- she deserved a better death, honestly
- the fight is REALLY not going well. Donnie makes a move to charge at the remaining party
- upon which
- a fucking second landshark
- pops out of the dune to engage him
- IT”S THE
- THERE ARE A
LOT OF TERRIBLE SOUND EFFECTS? THERE’S A LOT OF FLAILING?? WE
DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON
- until the butcher disengages and scuttles off to fucking. Bury himself back into the sand in true landshark style
- donnie tries
to move, halts, looks down
- “MY LEG!!!!!!!” - donnie in this movie, discovering that he has an EXTREMELY BADLY DONE skeleton leg from the knee down replacing his left leg?!?!?!?
- THE BUTCHER DEBONED HIM
- THIS IS WHERE IT BECAME SALIENT
- “MY HAND!!!!!” - donnie in this movie, discovering after falling over that he has an EXTREMELY BADLY DONE skeleton hand from the elbow down replacing his left arm?!?!?!?!?
- THE TEARS OF LAUGHTER ARE OVERFLOWING.
- Oh my god, he gets up Somehow because the landshark butcher is coming for the rest of him
- they exchange some blows
- donnie stabs him fucking just shy of the crotch THROUGH THE SAND
- THERE IS A GEYSER OF FAKE BLOOD
- THEN FUCKING HAULS HIM OUT OF THE SAND AND PROCEEDS TO SWING HIM AROUND LIKE A SHIRT STRIPPED OFF AT A CONCERT MOSH PIT WHILE SCREAMING AT THE SKY
- there’s a quick interlude for the doctor to Resolve Himself with the innkeeper THROUGH WHICH YOU CAN STILL HEAR DONNIE SCREAMING
- the doctor
and donnie have one last dramatic clash that involves FLYING ACROSS
- DONNIE GRABS THE SWORD THE DOCTOR IS USING AS IT’S COMING AT HIM AND BENDS IT INTO A PRETZEL ONE-HANDED??
- THERE IS FAKE BLOOD EVERYWHERE????
- THE DOCTOR PULLS A STRAIGHT DAGGER OUT OF THE HILT OF THE SWORD AS DONNIE IS HOLDING IT AND STABS DONNIE THROUGH THE NECK
- @twentyeightghosts is extremely mad about this still. Swords Do Not Work Like That
- DONNIE IN A FINAL ACT OF DEFIANCE STABS THE DOCTOR IN THE CHEST WITH HIS BONY SKELETON FINGERS???????????
- the doctor fucking FALLS BACK onto the sand COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD with this RIDICULOUS PROP SKELETON HAND AND FOREARM ATTACHED TO HIS CHEST
- SOMEHOW DONNIE IS STILL STANDING
- HE DOES A RIDICULOUS ONE-LEGGED HOP TO STAY UPRIGHT
- THIS MAN.
has one last dramatic yell in him. we’re treated to a shot of his
skeleton leg crumpling to bits under him. He finally falls over.
he’s dead. The evil has been vanquished.
- There is a dramatic pan on mo yan’s flute on the sand with music going in the background as the doctor looks appropriately anguished and the innkeeper appropriately jilted by death
- said doctor takes the kids through the pass on the other camel
- the innkeeper and the butcher go back to the inn and burn it down
- ‘let us leave this evil place’ LADY, YOU WERE THE ONE TURNING DUDES INTO MEAT BUNS IN THE BASEMENT????
- @xanderxcagex had a great joke about swordception [BWOOOOOM]
came back after having to take a break right as the movie finished
- WE REWATCHED THE LAST TEN MINUTES AGAIN
- JUST FOR DONNIE
- THIS MOVIE IS APPARENTLY A TREASURED CLASSIC???
seriously, thank you so much for streaming for us @greymichaela and hosting our absolute madness. This was a ragethirst to remember, if nothing else for it being the strongest ending to a donnie movie I’ve caught thus far.
Kim, to Hal: you’re going to ask ‘What? Was that - ?” a lot in the last ten minutes, and the answer, every time, is going to be ‘Yes.’
Hal, Immediately: DID DONNIE JUST -
Everyone in the chat, through their laughter: ＹＥＳ