i had no internet for 2 dys and this shit took forever

thisamericanlife.org
Tell Me I'm Fat | This American Life
The way people talk about being fat is shifting. With one-third of Americans classified as overweight, and another third as obese, and almost none of us losing weight and keeping it off, maybe it’s time to rethink the way we see being fat. A show inspired by Lindy West’s book Shrill.

I’m not done listening to this podcast yet. I have to take this episode like I took 2 Girls 1 Cup. I have to stop when it gets too much, I have to start it again when I’ve recovered enough. Not finishing is not an option because what’s in front of me is so horrifying I can’t look away. 

I am the type of person who clicks on videos that feature someone dying. I’ve seen men cut off their own testicles and shaft, watched a man put a glass jar in his asshole that then broke, showering the floor beneath him with blood and glass shards. I’ve seen two women shitting into a cup and then eating that shit with their mouths.

I can’t look away from horror. I’ve been obsessed with horror for as long as I can remember. My most vivid memory from age four is watching The Exorcist with my grandmother, who loves horror movies more than me and would have loved the same disgusting videos on the Internet had she been born at the same time as me and not been so Catholic.

This episode horrifies me. I cried listening Elna Baker describing her realization that her husband would have never dated her when she was fat. He admitted it. If he didn’t, he’d be an asshole. If a fat person loses weight and falls in love, they have to forever reconcile with the fact that they are loved by the love of their life because their body is thin. Their body is better. Their body deserves the love.

Men who date me must like fat women. They say big girls. Or curvy. They like fat women. Some people call it a fat fetish, because liking fat women should be viewed as something fringe and a little funny, like a foot fetish or latex fetish. 

I’ve just reached Roxane Gay’s segment, but it seems like no one is talking about food addiction, which is disappointing. Food addiction is real, it’s proven, it’s science, but you can’t say it out loud because even the people who know it’s scientifically proven cannot help but scoff and think, “yeah, but it’s not heroin. There are people who can kick heroin, why can’t you quit food?

You can’t quit food. Take your addiction and do it moderately, three medium or five small times a day. 

I’m off the rails. 

More people will roll their eyes at the dramatics of this post than understand it. They’ll read everything and still think but Caragh, just quit overeating. That’s all you have to do.

This podcast is horrifying. You should really listen to it.

Luke Hemmings and Y/N

“What’s up, Luke?” Calum asked with a mouthful of food. He sat next to me on the couch and smiled. I rolled my eyes at him, ignoring his question. “Luke?”

“What!?” I snap at him. “Cal. I’m sorry. I’m busy.”

He huffed and stormed off like a baby. But I was alone, so I don’t really care. I was on a mission to find someone on YouTube. There is a girl who posts covers with her friends or band or whatever, I don’t know, and I don’t think it’s really anything serious but she has an amazing talent and it can’t go to waste. I know her name was Y/N and that’s it.

I found one cover of hers. Its an old Sleeping with Sirens song. Honestly, it’s incredible. Her voice is so raw and beautiful.

“Lads.” I say and take the laptop into Michael’s bedroom.

“What?” Calum glares at me.

“Have you heard of Y/N from YouTube?”

“Nope.” Michael says and shrugs.

“Perfect!” I grin and show them a couple of her covers.



“She’s actually really good and hot.” Cal states without a filter.

“Easy bro. Luke has obvious dibs.” Michael teases me.

“Mike…” I roll my eyes at him. “I mean yeah she’s beautiful and has an incredible voice, but I just want to collab with her." 

"With our invisible car and invisible money?” Ash pipes up from looking at his phone.

“That’s just it. She live here.”

“Sydney?” Cal raises his eyebrows, getting excited.

“Well… no. Australia. Her accent. But I don’t know how to contact her or anything.”

“She has a twitter. Moron.” Michael points to the screen where I hadn’t thought to look.

“Yes!!” I slightly squeak and run off into the living room again to follow her and contact her. Or try to at least.

*****

“I honestly can’t believe we are doing this.” Michael yawns next to me. It’s early and we are getting on a bus.

“It’ll all be worth it, I promise.” I smile to myself and check my texts.

I had successfully contacted her and she knew who I was. She had watched a few of our covers and liked our Heartbreak Girl video. We all looked dumb but I did get an “Aw, I think you’re cute!” text which sent my ego over the edge. Anyways, her and I have been texting for about 3 weeks now seeing as that’s the only possible way to talk. We are finally going to meet up and hang out and hopefully make beautiful music together.

“Luke, you’re blushing?” Ashton whispers in a confused tone and then looks at my phone. “Aw LUKE!” and once he yells that the other two peer over the seat and look. Thanks Ash.

Y/N lived in Melbourne which isn’t extremely far away. 

“Tell us Luke. Do you like her?”

“I don’t know!” I blush. “She’s really cool and super pretty. She makes me laugh a lot too, but I don’t know if I like her yet. We haven’t and if I do like her, what is going to happen? I would have to ride a bus to see her. She’s older than I am. Why would she even-”

“STOP!” Michael slaps my head. “We didn’t all get on this fucking bus for 9 hours for you to be a little bitch about this situation. If you like her, then awesome. If she likes you, even awsomer. You guys might really hit it off. Long distance relationships aren’t terrible. It’ll make the time you guys have together even sweeter.”

The other 3 of us just kinda looked at him.

“That was deep.” Ash chuckles then looks at me. “But he’s right, Luke. You’ve been obsessed with this girl for weeks now. This will really test things.”

“Okay..” I sigh and plug my headphones in. This ride is going to be so long. I don’t think I have enough music to get me through it either.

*****

“Oh my God.” Michael whined when we got off the bus finally. Our butts were all numb and we were wired from the 4 redbulls we had.

“I can’t believe it’s only 2. You got us up way too early for that stupid ride.”

“Calum you slept like the whole time. Don’t whine.” I stated and checked my texts again. “Okay she said there is a really good restaurant about a mile from here called En Fuego.”

“Is she meeting us there?” Ash asks and nudges my side. I mumble a yes and we get a taxi.

***

The cab ride seemed like it took 2 seconds. I was beyond nervous. I was going to meet Y/N for the first time and I was shaking like a chihuahua.

“Luke pull it together mate. She’s just another girl okay. You can do this man!” Ashton giggled. I cracked a smile but only because of his prepubescent laugh.


Ash gave the taxi the couple dollars that it was to ride in the cab. I seen her outside on the patio. She had sunglasses on and was laughing at one of her friends that was there with her. I couldn’t move. Calum nudged me to move forward, but that’s the only reason I stepped forward.

“Come on, Luke.” He whispered, trying to help me. I tried to shake off the nerves and approached her.

“H-Hi.” I choked on my words. I was usually never like this with girls and it’s not like she’s famous.

“Luke!” She jumped up and hugged me. Her embrace and smell made me nearly melt. I almost didn’t hug her back. “How was the ride? Are you guys okay? Lunch? Hungry?”

“It was miserable.” Michael groaned and took one of the chips that were in a bowl. She looked at me and smiled. I grinned like an idiot.

“Okay well I ordered like 100 trays of nachos because the nachos here are pretty kickass.”

“Great!” Calum smiles.

“So Luke tells us you’re a singer?” Ashton starts up a conversation. I’m mentally thanking him. I can’t do anything but stare at her. She’s so beautiful. Maybe I do like her.

“Yeah. Kinda.” He bites a chip. “I have sang like my hole life, right and a couple years ago I started posting videos of myself singing then a couple guys were like ‘hey you’re awesome we want to play with and for you’ so I was like 'sweet!’ and then yeah.”

“Intriguing.” I gush like an idiot.

“How old are you?” Ash asks.

“I just turned 19. What about you guys?”

“I’m 19.” Ash states. “Cal and Luke are 17 and Michael just turned 18.”

“Rad.” she nods. Soon our nachos come out and I’ve started to loosen up and communicate with her. She is pretty much everything I want in a girl. Her black skinny jeans go nicely with her fitted band shirt and doc martens.

***

“So yeah, right here is where my first boyfriend broke up with me because I was too flat chested.”

“I think they’re fine.” I blurt out, not thinking. Oh God. I felt my cheeks fill with blood and burn. That was so embarrassing. Everyone gave me a funny look then simultaneously burst into laughter.

“Thanks Luke. Yours aren’t too bad either.” she winks at me.

We continue walking for a few more blocks. The 4 of us have our bags with our clothes and shit inside of them are getting heavy. She had given us permission to stay with her tonight and tomorrow so we could all hang out.

“This is your place?!” Michael yells in her large apartment.

“Yeah… my parents wanted me to leave so they offered to pay for my place as long as I looked for one and I did and this is what I got. It can be kinda big and lonely but that’s usually when I decide to post a video.” she shrugs and shows us to the “band room”.

“Holy shit!” I gasp and pick up an acoustic guitar. I strum a few chords from the first song that popped into my head.

“A drop in the ocean.” she says quietly. I hadn’t realized how close she was to me. The other 3 were wandering around looking at and touching things.

“Yeah. I did a cover of-”

“Oh I know. The other night I looked at all your covers. You have a real talent Luke.”

“But so do you.” I smile at her and set the guitar down. I stood up straight and our hands grazed each other and we both blushed slightly. I hate crushes and this is exactly why.

“Anyways! Lads.” The other 3 look at her and I. “I was thinking that tonight we all just chill and order a late pizza or 4 and watch movies. Kinda just to get to know everyone. You all seem fucking great.”

“AND SHE CURSES!” Michael cheers, making us all laugh.

****


The next day, we were all inspired and wanted to get this collab done and recorded and put on the internet. 

“Just 1 acoustic guitar?” she asks, starting to hand it to Michael. He nods and we all sit down.

“Okay I’ll start okay?” I say and wait for Michael to start strumming. Ash was sitting on a box thing like his while Cal, myself and Y/N sat there.

We chose Always by Blink-182.

“I been here before a few times. And I’m quite aware we’re dying.. and your hands they shake with goodbye and I’ll take you back if you’ll have me.”

Then she comes in and we harmonize with Cal and it sounds perfect. I almost forget what I’m doing because I am so wrapped up in her facial expressions when she hits a high note or drags out a note. God, she’s beautiful.

Her hand reached out and patted my thigh when my voice cracked a little bit. I was kind of embarrassed and she DID notice, but it was okay because she patted my thigh. I felt like everything was going to be okay forever and ever while she had her hand on my thigh which was a long time.

It’s official. I like her. A lot.

Michael was doing a guitar solo then Cal sang on his own then Y/N and myself harmonized perfectly again. I feel like the lyrics are strong and kinda make me want to kiss her and feel her and touch her.

She sang the last Always by herself. It was beautiful.

After the music stopped, she got up and turned off the camera.

“Oh my God!” she grinned at us. “You guys are fucking incredible!”

“You’re amazing yourself!” I smiled at her. She winked at me then offered some lunch. I stayed in the music room and strummed a guitar a little bit.



“Hey?” she knocked on the door, carrying a plate with a sandwich on it.

“Hey.” I say in a low voice and set the instrument down. “You really are super talented.”

“So are you guys. I can see you boys going so far.”

“As long as you’re there with us getting noticed too.” I say

“I’m just a single girl. You guys are a cute band.”

“You’re a beautiful woman with an incredible voice. I’m surprised you haven’t already been signed.”

“You’re sweet.” she looks at the floor.

“Listen.” I say with a huge breath. I don’t know if I am ready to say this or not. “This is a huge shot in the dark and I didn’t know whether or not if it was actually true when I got on the bus yesterday but now I realize tha-”

“I like you too, Luke. But that’s it. We can’t really do anything about it. We live 9 hours away from each other.” I felt so gutted. Torn apart. “Like I like you a lot and wish that Sydney and Melbourne were only a couple hours away, but they aren’t and-”

“I get it.” I sigh. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. She hasn’t been a part of my life for that long. How can I let her be so important?

“I am sorry, and maybe when you’re 18 and huge rock star we can, but for now, we have to just be friends who text and call each other and occasionally see each other, okay?”

“Occasionally like every couple wee-”

“How about every few months.” She laughs. What a beautiful laugh.

“I think I can do that. But a long distanc-”

“I have never tired but I don’t think they work.” she cut me off. “I mean maybe in a few months when we really know each other we can try..”

“So you’re saying there is potential in us being an actual us?”

“You’re so dorky. But yes.” she laughs at me. 

****

It was the day we had to leave and she took us to the bus stop.

“I’m going to miss you.” she whispers to me. We were by ourselves and the other 3 are goofing off. We were holding hands and facing each other. I kissed her hairline and sighed.

“I’m going to miss you too. And maybe next time I come here I don’t bring my posse-”

“Yes YOU WILL!” Michael yells over at us. He makes us laugh and then she looks up at me. Her eyes are so beautiful. Everything about this girl is beautiful.

“How about every time we hang out, whether it be at your place or here at mine, we do a song together?”

“I like that.” I say and rest my chin on her head, silently making fun of her height.

“Fuck.” she sighs. I turn my head and see that stupid black piece of- “Bye Luke.” she sighs.

“Not bye, but see ya in a few months.” Ash calls me. “I am really really glad I got to meet you and hear your voice in person. It has made me so happy.”

“Thank you for traveling such a long time and being with me.”

“Anything for you.” I press our foreheads together and close my eyes.

“Oh fuck it!” she says and pushes her lips against mine. I honestly can say I wasn’t expecting that, but I liked it. I kissed her back and cupped her jaw in my hands. It was a deep, single kiss, but it meant so much to me.

“Bye Y/N. I will really miss you.”

“Not but see ya in a few months.” she giggles and I run off. She stood there waving. I waved one last time before getting on the bus.

“Atta BOY!!!!” Michael cheers.

“She kissed me!” I say with the biggest smile on my face.

“Oh damn!” he laughs and nudges me. This time he is sitting by me, but that’s okay. I’m not going to be paying attention to him anyways.