i had never experienced so many feelings at once

Indecent Proposal - Chapter 5

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Read Chapter 4

Jared’s POV

“Wow, that was crazy,” Melody said as we were driving away from the restaurant.

“You haven’t seen anything yet. Just wait until I post that pic of us holding hands,” I said and chuckled, “That’s when the real madness will begin.”

“You’re not helping,” she said obviously terrified.

“Relax, you’ll get the hang of it eventually,” I said and continued to drive.

“I’m not so sure. I never wanted to be under the spotlight,” she said and sighed, clearly worried about the way our situation will develop in the future. Somehow I felt like I should maybe comfort her, but I went with my incessant need to pick on her.

“Well, I guess you’re just gonna have to suck it up, won’t you now, wifey,” I said never taking my eyes of the road. 

But the moment I finished the sentence I felt a pit in my stomach. This didn’t feel right, as it would usually do, when I tried to make her feel bad. I could feel the despise coming from her eyes, even though I wasn’t looking at her. This felt even worse, but I just ignored the feeling and kept driving.

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Possible triggering!

If you are triggered by talk of depression or unhealthy coping mechanisms, don’t read please. I don’t want to harm anyone by sharing this, only help. I didn’t want to share this, and I don’t want to offend anyone when I say this, but my God told me to do this, so that’s what I’m going to do. Sometimes I think we have to go through things just to be a lesson for others to see.

Guys my heart is killing me. It’s killing me because I see so many of you, our favorite boys included, drowning in anxious and sad feelings. I hate it, I hate it so much that I want to share with you what I’ve learned about my depression.

I was 17 once too, and I experienced a few things that my brain didn’t know how to comprehend. I had spent my life looking through a perspective of a child, I’d never had to truly understand the world and what it was like from the eyes of an adult mind. I didn’t have the knowledge to know just how to face those things that had happened to me, and I chose to cope with them the completely wrong way.

By 19, I had thrown away an entire full ride scholarship by failing out my first semester of college. It’s not that I couldn’t take the work load, or do the course work, it was because I was heavily depressed and didn’t know it. By 19, I had tried every drug that was available to me at the time. I’d started out by drinking every day, and not just at night for parties, but I’d be drunk by noon everyday. Weed has never been my thing, it heightened my anxiety so I didn’t mess with it much, but I dabbled in cocaine and molly (ecstasy); and guys, I’d even done meth a few times. I grabbed up whatever I could just to escape what I didn’t want to face, what I didn’t want to feel.

By 19, I had snorted an Opana, at the time it was the hardest narcotic drug on the market apart from heroin. Pain pills were my kind of high. It gave me enough comfort to be social, my anxiety gone and the constant ugly thoughts running through my head were silenced when I was high. It became a few times a week thing until it turned into an every day occurrence, multiple times a day. In my hometown, they ran on the streets at least $60 a pill for a high that lasted max 4-6 hours. I waited tables at a local restaurant, and every dime I made went straight to pills. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, all I cared about was getting high. I was normal when I was high, I was happy when I was high, or so I thought.

I quit my job because I couldn’t work pill sick, because by then, I was physically and mentally addicted. I won’t share on the internet, or to any persons the things I’ve done to get high. I’ve been in situations I could’ve gone straight to prison for, I’ve been in situations I could’ve died.

By 20, I was admitted to the hospital after an attempted suicide. My depression had declined me so far that the only option in my eyes was to die. I wanted to die, there wasn’t any possible way I could dig myself out of the grave I’d dug myself in. I would look in the mirror and not even recognize the person staring back at me.

After doctors worked to save my life, I was confined to an empty room by myself until a psychiatrist could travel from Peninsula to evaluate me. He deemed me a harm to myself and others, forcing me to admit to a mental inpatient facility where I was detoxed and spent two months learning how to cope with life the right way.

I am sober, completely sober, and I am okay. I take my medication and I visit my therapist and I live. I can function enough to work a job that pays me well, I’ve made some great accomplishments in life recently that at 19 years old I nearly lost my opportunity to.

Depression is not a game, it is not to be taken lightly. If you feel your mental health is declining, PLEASE seek help, I beg you. It’s not a trend, it’s not the in thing to do and I don’t care how many people think it’s beautiful to be broken and lost. It’s not, it’s cold and scary and it can take your life from you. Please guys, I’ve been active enough on blogs that I know to get the gist that none of you would go this far, but I never thought I’d go that far either. Cope with your emotions the right way. Dive into things that are healthy for you and not harmful. You’re in control of your own life, do with it what you please, but please don’t drink or dabble in drugs to cover up your hurt; it will own you if you do.

No matter how much people can trust me now, no matter how well I do; I will never forget what I did, and the people I harmed in the process, they will never forget either. These things are lasting impacts on your life, please tread lightly with your mental health and your choices.

I love you guys, I truly do. I look to you as people who mean something, amazing people that I never want to see hurting. If you need help, reach out for it. If you need me, reach out to me. I am never too busy or too low to help someone else, even if we’re worlds away from each other. I didn’t write this for pity or sympathy or to seem like a hero, because I’m just a nobody who has as an ugly story that I’m passionate about keeping others from making the same mistakes. You are strong, the boys are strong, and life will go on, we will be okay. Stay healthy friends, I hope I didn’t bore you 💛

Art by me
Writing by @bloomingednae

Artist note: The inspiration and reference for future Lastonbell was La Royeaux from Dragon Age Inquisition as well as random shots of a town I saw from the Witcher 3!

Day 6: Lastonbell (Promises/Acceptance) Late

“Just a trick of light,
To bring me back around again,
Those wild eyes,
A psychedelic silhouette.” 
                 ~ “Salvation” - Gabrielle Aplin

Dong, dong…

The low chime of the bell echoed throughout the pillars of its structure and vibrated all the way down to its foundation. Each chime signaled the current time of day, and it kept ringing up until it reached nine chimes, until it finally grew silent.

To Mikleo, the chimes were sounds he recognized as fear, uncertainty, and a sense of rushed feelings he couldn’t explain. It often brought about a tangled mix of distraught feelings with tiny remnants of happier moments that had slipped in on its own, most of the happy moments depicted from the years of Rose’s life and travels, and clashed with dark moments of anxiety and cloudiness from the memory of Sorey’s departure. In general, the bell’s chimes were a bit of nostalgia and unwanted feelings of indescribable sadness and more often than not, he preferred to not hear it.

On the other hand, his companion to his right clearly showed different feelings upon hearing the chimes. Sorey’s smile increased twofold when he heard the sound and he began to give a small laugh, showing off a childish nature of him that most knew too well. When the last chime rang, Sorey closed his eyes and he sighed once it had quieted down.

Mikleo could never understand how they were so opposite in so many ways, but often found themselves experiencing certain moments within each others’ company. Once it was completely quiet, Mikleo cleared his throat.

“I see that you still enjoy those bell chimes, huh?”

Sorey’s eyes opened and he glanced at Mikleo, another smile forming on his face. “Yeah! I don’t know what it is, but the vibration we can feel while sitting up here makes me so comfortable, you know? Like, I feel like it’s engulfing me, but I also really like it?”

Mikleo chuckled at Sorey’s vague description. “I suppose so. I could only fathom a guess that it could be an attribute to your seraphic element.”

Sorey furrowed his eyebrows, in thought. “I mean…I guess so? Thunder and lightning do give off a deep sound that causes vibrations in surrounding areas where it strikes.”

Mikleo nodded. “And often times, seraphs feel more in tune to their natural element. Have you noticed how much happier Lailah got when we were crossing warm places like the Zaphgott Moor? Or how much louder Zaveid became and how Dezel actually smiled when we were scaling cliffs? Or how much moodier Edna became when there was rain or water?”

Sorey stifled a laugh when he noticed how Mikleo singled out Edna to be in a bad mood versus a good one. Nodding, he leaned against one of the pillars next to him and he smiled.

“Yep, sure do. You wouldn’t believe how much I had to deal with Rose’s remarks and complaints of the seraphim being too happy when she was feeling miserable from the environmental conditions. She especially hated it when it rained and nearly wanted to punch you multiple times when you would take your time out in the storms.”

“Hey! If everyone else had their time to shine, I think it was only fair I could enjoy the weather too,” Mikleo crossed his arms and stuck his head high in the air, a common characteristic Sorey had seen him do multiple times. Sorey just shook his head.

“Yeah, yeah, I know! She totally understood, but she was just speaking her mind. You know how she is…Rose is Rose.”

Mikleo laughed at that remark. “And you’re just you, enjoying the vibrations of the bell tower.”

Sorey sheepishly smiled, but didn’t say another word after that. A small silence fell between the two of them as they overlooked the city below them, much more bright than what Sorey had previously remembered. The city was larger in size as well, as if it could get any larger, and there were talks of the possibility of raising another bell tower, though that seemed to be in the beginning stages of the process. Sorey suddenly felt a feeling of familiarity, almost deja vu, as he stared below. Curiously, he glanced at Mikleo, only to find him staring off into space, violet eyes clouded with almost nothingness. The sight concerned Sorey and he quickly (maybe too quickly, he realized when Mikleo jolted) placed his hand on Mikleo’s arm.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Mikleo nodded, a little too immediately Sorey noticed, and he sighed. “I’m fine. Just thinking…of some stuff from centuries ago.”

Sorey looked away again and he fidgeted with his hands. A silence befell the both of them again, a mutual understanding realized without having one or the other say a word. It was Mikleo, however, who decided to pursue the subject as he leaned forward and propped his arms on his knees, still staring at the city below them.

“What happened that day essentially happened, I know. You promised me, Glenwood is blessed, and you came back. Everything is fine, generally speaking. But when I think about what really happened, how I really felt…” he closed his eyes and inhaled sharply, “it still sometimes feels bittersweet.”

“Unlike you,” he continued, “the sound of the bell rings memories from long ago and echoes emotions that I try not to remember again. It sounds silly, really, for me to be contemplating all this when you’re physically right here next to me, but I’m always reminded of that night and how sudden it all felt.”

“But,” Mikleo sat up, pushing off from his legs, “when I remember how determined your expression was and how solid you were in your Answer, I can’t help but feel relieved, proud, and  excited. For someone like you who grew up in a purely Seraph home to save everyone in the world from malevolence to just sleep for an undetermined time, for people you barely knew of…when I think of that, I sometimes can’t wrap my head around how I’ve seen you grow and how I, of all people, could be intimate with you; and yet, we are determined on our own goals to seek out peace for the sake of everyone, and for ourselves. Despite our challenges, we find ourselves here today and the things of the past somehow matter all the more, including the painful times.”

Mikleo glanced at Sorey, who was all but listening to him as he stared at the city below. When he felt Mikleo’s glance, he turned to him, and he grinned again. Mikleo suddenly felt self-conscious and he looked away, stuttering.

“S-sorry, I just…went off on a tangent there, and I just…”

Mikleo trailed off, to which Sorey took the chance to continue the thought. Looking up to the stars, he spoke softly.

“…Remember what I said about the stars? And how you said each one sparkles in its own way because emotions are limitless?” Sorey glanced back at Mikleo, who was also staring at the stars. He saw Mikleo laugh a bit, remembering the memory and also the irony of it all at the moment. Sorey looked back up and he laughed too.

“You didn’t tangent. You just have as many emotions as any other being would have. And that’s perfectly fine. To be honest, you’re probably the most deep thinker I’ve met ever which can be a little scary, but-”

Sorey’s thoughts were interrupted by a small nudge and when he looked to his left, he noticed Mikleo giving a small pout and Sorey laughed sheepishly at the expression.

“Joking, joking! Because really, that’s the part of you that really shines for me.” Sorey looked to the city lights once more and took a breath, taking in the scents of the cool night air. He exhaled slowly, feeling content with the surroundings.

“…You’ve lived much longer me. You’ve seen things farther than what I’ve seen, and you’ve carried on the things I left behind when I went to sleep. It’s only natural that you have these emotions, thoughts, and treasured memories.”

“And true,” Sorey continued, “that just because you lived longer, doesn’t mean that I don’t know what it’s like to have all that. I do. I’ve seen it in the cities we’ve been to; I’ve felt it in the air whenever we’ve rested in moments like this; and I see it even right now when I look in your eyes.”

Sorey turned to Mikleo, and all at once, he felt an overbearing wave of compassion and love for him surge in him, and he smiled.

“It’s because I see it in you everyday is the reason why I continue to travel and carry on what I left behind.”

He adjusted himself so that he moved closer to Mikleo and turned to face him completely. “I promise to give this world what it truly deserves and that every step of the way, I will continue to watch you as you go through this life. I promise to love and cherish everything as much as you have as you continued to wait for me, so that everything you have done reflects who you truly are; someone who is caring, compassionate, and loving to everything and everyone whom you meet.”

Sorey realized at this point that he had gotten closer to Mikleo; how that space between them started to close was beyond him, but he continued on, disregarding the fact. What he didn’t notice, was, the sky slowly darkening over Lastonbell and the decrease in people roaming the streets below. He may have felt a drop or two fall from the sky, but he continued to keep his eyes locked on Mikleo. He laughed a bit before continuing, a sheepish smile on his face.

“You’re probably so over hearing this over and over again from me, but, I love you. I love you, Mikleo, as much as the stars sparkle in the sky and ten times as many people there are in this world. I-”

His words cut off from a sudden, low rumbling from the clouds above and it was then that they both realized that the sky was covered with clouds, thunder rumbling within them as it passed overhead. As they looked, small droplets of water began to rain down, first as a drizzle, but began to increase in pace as they stared up. At this, Mikleo first smiled, and then burst into laughter, the rain drops now pouring down on the both of them and soaking them to the bone. Sorey could only look at Mikleo with a quizzical expression, and Mikleo laughed even more when he noticed Sorey staring at him. In between breaths, Mikleo spoke.

“It’s just that…you were telling me something, and just…” he breathed in for air, “…sorry. You were so serious and BAM this storm comes out of nowhere-”

His voice is cut off by a small flash of lightning in the distance far from the town, accompanied by a low rumble of thunder. Sorey’s expression turned into surprised for a split second, which caused Mikleo to laugh more at Sorey’s distraught reaction.

All at once, Sorey’s eyes suddenly lit up and he turned to Mikleo smiling once more.

“Do you think…wait, is this storm caused by us?!”

Mikleo stopped laughing, but retained his smile as he looked at Sorey. He shrugged, almost feigning childish innocence as if he had committed a small crime, and looked again to the city, its lights still on.

“…who knows? Though we are sitting on Sindra’s vessel, I highly doubt it would have any direct effect on the land around us…”

He tapped his cheek with his index finger and looked up. “…however, if we hypothetically look at it, our emotions right now could have the potential to indirectly dictate the surrounding elements akin to our own and thus project it within this domain for just a short instance…”

Mikleo trailed off and without so much turning his head to look at Sorey, he side glanced him and gave a small mischievous smile. It was a characteristic Sorey hadn’t seen in a long time, and given the circumstances, he knew Mikleo was playing around with him and knew very well that their emotions just so happened to dictate the elements around them. Sorey nudged Mikleo a bit on the side, to which Mikleo reacted to and he laughed.

“You’re real sly, you know that?” Sorey commented, and he laughed as Mikleo just smiled.

“There’s no direct harm to anyone, rest assured. Since I believe…our emotions are merely personal attributes to helping everyone around us and…emotions that depict our own personal emotions to each other.”

Sorey just shook his head and another jolt of lightning in the distance flashed. The rain continued to pour down, but neither of them decided to move as they both sat next to each other, still in each other’s company as they sat upon the bell tower.

When another low rumble of thunder was heard, Sorey looked up; and whether if it was that thunder or the continuous rainfall that encouraged him, Mikleo turned to Sorey; ponytail soaked, bangs completely flattened, circlet glistening with the water droplets falling off of it. In that moment that Sorey observed him, Mikleo slowly closed the space between the two of them and gently gave a kiss to him.

He felt the warmth of Mikleo’s mouth clash with his against the cool air around them, but it was the sudden presence of touch that sent jolts up Sorey’s spine and inevitably (and probably) sent another lightning flash in the distance. It ended as quickly as it began, and Mikleo pulled away in a manner that was very much like him. Sorey could tell he was beyond another shade of red, since he typically did not initiate as much as Sorey did, and he could only smile at how Mikleo’s mannerisms were just so very…Mikleo, for a lack of better terms in Sorey’s mind.

 As soon as Mikleo opened his mouth again (probably to try to apologize for his rashness), Sorey cupped one side of Mikleo’s face and pulled him close again, his other hand on Mikleo’s shoulder for support. He almost smiled midway through the kiss as Mikleo pulled him closer by wrapping his arms around Sorey’s neck, this time prolonging the length. The rain continued to pour around them and some time during the moment, Sorey realized he never finished his speech to Mikleo, but he internally brushed it off, realizing that Mikleo was right all along when he always told him that he was much better in expressing through action versus words.

When the rain began to finally die down, they both found themselves face to face with one another, forehead resting upon each of their own and their eyes locked together. Mikleo still kept his arms around Sorey’s neck and Sorey’s hands somehow found themselves on Mikleo’s waist, but he kept it there, until the rain completely ceased. Wordlessly, they stared at each other as the world around them continued on, and it was through a smile that they both mutually understood the unspoken promise between themselves.

“I was buried underneath and
all that I could see was white,
My salvation.”

Burn Out.

“I don’t want us to burn out next time. I want it to be forever next time.”

I have these words burnt into my fucking brain. Do you remember those words? Do you remember anything at all of what you told me? Yet after all of this. Years together. Here we are. At our pivotal point in our interconnected lives. The point where our lives no longer cross one another. The point where, this time, the last time, goodbye really means goodbye.

But at least we were lucky enough to be perpendicular to each other. Our time was bittersweet, what felt like a lifetime of each other ended abruptly. Short yet ever so sweet. I still have to remind myself that we were never meant to be, but our paths crossed. I know many people who live their whole lives parallel to each other, never meeting once. Never experiencing the time we were so lucky to have.

I may have had only one encounter, but it’s enough to last me my entire lifetime in memories.

  • I will never forget You.
A New Life Is Just a Drive Away

Warnings: language, mild mention of verbal and physical abuse

Word Count: 1203

Request: “Hey! I love what you write. I was wondering if you were going to write more of change of identity. It’s sooooo good.”

A/N: This is Part Three to the ‘You’re A Winchester’ series! It is a bit shorter, but it is just part of the build up in the series. Got great plans for this series, hehehehe. So let me know what you think! :)

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 |

Both Sam and Dean just sat there, with mouths agape, taking in the last piece of information that left your lips.

Their expressions completely replicated the way that you felt, because even you were trying to process that the two men that sat in front of you were your brothers.

If someone looked at the three of you, they would have seen three completely stunned and speechless humans. And they wouldn’t be wrong.

As Dean seemed to still be processing, Sam finally broke the uncomfortable silence.

“Wait,” he contemplated, as you decided to take a seat, “You are our sister?” You slowly nodded in response, before rubbing your temples. Finding out that you actually had siblings was quite overwhelming, and you could feel a headache coming on.

“How is that possible?” Dean exclaimed, “Our mother died when Sam was only six months old! But you only look like you are about 18 or 19 years old. So, please enlighten me to how we could possibly be related.”

Dean sounded somewhat angry, like he didn’t want another sibling. Like he didn’t want to know you. But you could understand, because, well, you yourself had just discovered you had two siblings.

Pushing back any oncoming tears that you had, you responded, “Well firstly, I am 18 years old. And secondly, I’m technically only your half-sister. John came into a bar where my mother was working, where he became extremely drunk on the wedding anniversary with his deceased wife. One drunken mistake led to another, till you fast forward nine months to my mother giving away her newborn child.”

You could see the boys were almost in shock of what you had said. Like they never would have thought their father would have done that. Well, they better start believing it, as you were living proof.

“Y/N,” Sam questioned, “Did you just say you were given away as a newborn?”

“Um, yeah,” you said matter-of-factly, “My mother couldn’t handle a big commitment like me, so she sent me away to the orphanage, where I spent my entire life growing up. Well, until a couple of months ago that is, when I escaped the prison of a place on my birthday. Kind of a birthday present to myself I guess.”

You were smiling as you told the story, having gone through the process so many times in your head, and being proud as punch of your successful escapade.

Sam and Dean’s expressions conveyed that they were both listening intently, but couldn’t believe what they were hearing. A few quiet moments passed until you began to realise the reason why you came over in the first place, and the reason why you had been travelling around for the past few months.

“Sam. Dean,” you asked with a certain hesitation to bring up the topic, “Where is J… I mean, our father?”

Glancing at one another, the brothers shared a form of unspoken communication that they had obviously done many times before. But you detected some form of sadness in their expressions, which made your heart sink a little.

Dean cleared his throat, looking back at you right in the eyes, “He’s dead.”

Your heart dropped even more. You couldn’t describe the feeling that you experienced. It was a weird feeling, as you had never met the man, but you guessed that’s what made it so hard to swallow the news.

You wanted to meet him at least once. To find out what he was like. To find out what he looked like. To find out if he would care that you were his daughter.

But you would never truly know any of this.

Sam placed his hand on your knee, seeing you were struggling to take it in. You continued to look down at the ground in silence, consumed by the questions you wished you could have asked John.

“Dean,” Sam softly addressed. Although you couldn’t see their faces, you observed their feet shuffling as they edged out of their seats and walked to another section of the bar, so you were out of ear-shot.

Sam stopped walking, and turned to Dean. “Can you believe it?” Sam exclaimed, as Dean just shook his head.

“I know,” Dean sighed as he rubbed his forehead, “I mean, it’s just a lot to take in. She’s our half-sister, man!”

Both of their minds were still spinning, knowing that they had another alive and healthy family member, besides the two of them, which was a rare thing to discover.

“But have you heard how much she’s gone through, Dean?” exclaimed Sam, “She has been alone her entire life, without a family. She has no-one, Dean. But now she has two older brothers she never knew about!”

Dean crinkled his brow. “Are you suggesting we take her in? Into this life? She’s only a kid Sammy!”

“By the sounds of it she has already done some hunting, Dean!” Sam exclaimed, “I just think, at least for a little while, let her stay at the Bunker with us, until she gets back onto her own two feet.”

Dean sighed loudly, knowing that his brother was right.

You heard the resonating footsteps of the boys returning to the table, as you continued to look at the ground. Expecting them to sit down again, you furrowed your brow when you heard their footsteps cease behind you.

Slowly you looked up, and turned around in your seat to see both Sam and Dean standing behind you. Hesitantly, you focused on Sam as he began to speak.

“Y/N,” Sam said flatly, “We just have one question for you.”

Oh shit. You knew what was coming. You knew the type of thing that they were going to ask you.

Why haven’t you hit the road by now?

Why would we care if you are our sister?

Do you want us to take you back to the orphanage where you belong?

These were the style of questions that you were abused with every day at the orphanage. Despite it supposedly being a ‘safe place’ for parentless children, the other kids there treated you as an outcast, as you weren’t the most social or involved kid around. Also, the staff couldn’t care less if you ate by yourself or if you went to bed most nights with a bruised cheek. So, overall you were used to being pushed away and neglected.

Anxiously, you held your breath and closed your eyes tightly awaiting the looming question about to be asked.

“Would you like to come live with us?” Dean asked warmly.

Slowly, you exhaled and opened your eyes, to see your two brothers smiling right at you, awaiting an answer.

You gulped as you replied, “You want me to live with you?”

Sam and Dean gave a small laugh, as Sam smirked, “Well that is what we said.”

“So let’s go kiddo,” Dean continued, “The car is ready to roll.”

With that, Dean walked out of the bar as Sam collected their belongings still lying on the table, before exiting the bar himself.

You just sat there, beaming from ear to ear, thinking about your new family, your new home, and your new life that was just a drive away.

I’ve heard many No’s with mocking laughs and seen a lot of fake smiles from people. I’ve been told that I’m capable of nothing and that I’m irrationally dreamy. I’ve got turned down whenever I spoke my mind. I’ve been humiliated in front of many people. I’ve experienced failure, rejection and heartbreak. I was losing a fight once and faced the very low bottom. I had nights when I wished to never wake up the next day. I fell into some deceptions from people I called my friends. I was so lonely that I felt like I don’t belong anywhere. I’ve put everyone’s happiness ahead of mine. I’ve been cheated on, laughed at, called by terrible names, misunderstood, mistreated and a lot more. But it’s all what made me who I am today.

My Life as an ENFP

My name: Jo (actually Beatriz but I don’t use it around English speakers) / Recurring funkymbtifiction submitter

My Type: ENFP (gee, taking two names. Very stereotypical).

Enneagram: 4w3 / 5w4 / 8w7

Extraverted Intuition (Ne):

I’m a brainstormer. I like trying new artistic, philosophical, theoretical concepts constantly. I try to be open minded when I meet something new. I was raised in a very Si oriented home and school so I didn’t realize I was overexerting it harmfully. Which is why I thought I was an INFP at first, because, under stress, I use Fi and Si like nuts. But when I do things on my own terms, Ne is my natural comfort zone.

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