i had never cried so much before

Burying The Child - Feyre Fanfic

A Feyre character exploration fanfiction. Set post ACOMAF in the spring court, with Lucien for company. Warnings for discussion of mental health and grieving.

Burying The Child - Gen/K

History was once again repeating itself, but this time I was different; I would not make the same mistakes as I had before. I doubted I could even if I wanted to. Fate and its sick sense of humour had warped me too much for that.

“I remember when Tamlin first bought you those paints,” Lucien mused. “You sat in here all day for weeks, like a child with a new toy. It was very endearing, really.”

He sat across from me, lounging upon a daybed below a window in the gallery. His body lay splashed with sunlight, turning his hair a gorgeous shade of amber and his bronze skin, exposed by the open-necked shirt he wore, shone like clear liquid honey. One could mistake him for a god were it not for the signs of strain that recent events had carved into him, from his hollow cheeks to his nervous, restless fingers; The latter of which was really quite irksome.

“Stop fidgeting,” I quipped, frowning and biting down on the tip of my tongue. “I’ll never be able to get you right if you keep moving. Honestly, and you compare me to a child.”

“I do have a few years on you, fair lady.”

“That only makes it worse.”

Lucien managed to still himself for a rather pathetic minute before his forefinger resumed their tapping upon his thigh, but I made no comment. The back and forth bitching we’d developed when I’d first arrived at the Spring Court had now evolved beyond the antipathy and mourning we’d shared. He no longer held the death of Andras against me, and I in turn agreed not to speak of what had passed here whilst I was at the Night Court. This silent agreement meant we were both more comfortable in sharing quiet moments together, knowing neither would verbally assault the other. In a case of mutually assured destruction, we both knew the wounds such talk would inflict could scar us both.

“I can’t believe it’s only been a year since we first met,” Lucien said, his gaze fixed out the window at the surrounding gardens. “Only a year since we were all prisoners. Or, a year since we were able to admit to it aloud.”

He was breaching dangerous territory, but I’d long stopped being scared by it. It had only been two months since my return to Spring, and yet it was already apparent to me that no one save Tamlin and Ianthe thought the deal with Hybern was wise. Since the High Lord and his Priestess were out on a ride that day, I saw no harm in letting Lucien say whatever it was that was bothering him.

“Missing Amarantha, are we?”

“Oh, dreadfully,” Lucien said, playing along with a theatrical swoon. He laughed when I scolded him for shifting his position. Though I had come to see Lucien as an ally, I could never come to like his laugh. It always spoke of so much pain. “What can I say? She kept Tamlin occupied. He does so love to have an enemy.”

Finished sketching, I took up mixing up the colours I needed on the paint palette. “He’s a fool for choosing Rhysand as his new target,” I said quietly, struggling to get the right skin tone. There would be time to learn proper painting technique, if only I could survive the war. The past year had been spent fashioning me into a weapon, no time for games. Who I was had been carved into steel and fire and power, so that I was more a what than a whom to the world now. Beyond what I had briefly shared with Rhys, I had not known softness in a long time.

“If what you say about the Night Court is true, I don’t doubt it.” Lucien looked over at me, his metal eye as unnerving as ever. Still I had not dared to ask just what it allowed him to see, but I felt as if it could somehow discern the contents of my soul.

He chewed the inside of his cheek whilst I distracted myself with mixing paint, before he finally spoke, “You’ve changed so much, Feyre.” He smiled, but it did not reach his eyes. “I must admit, I’m impressed by who you have become. Even if Rhysand did not exist, I’d hate to make a foe of you. So forgive me when I say I am also in mourning.”

Cocking my head, I finally had the courage to look back at him. Did he speak of Elain now? “Mourning whom?” I asked. The smile he gave me hurt as much as the two months apart from Rhysand had. It spoke of pity, pity I could not bear.

“I am in mourning for a close friend. A friend I made under Amarantha’s rule. A human girl, who came here with childish anger, who could be made happy and placid by nothing more than paint. A girl who screamed and cried and didn’t know any better than to wander out at night on Calanmai, and who could fall in love even with a Beast.” He did not drop my gaze. “I grieve for you too, for losing her. I’m sorry you can’t be her any more.”

He’d spoken so softly, so quietly, that we both flinched when I snapped my paintbrush in half. Claws edged out of my knuckles, my grip too tight. I was still learning the depths of my new strength, though I didn’t care as anger flashed upon my tongue. “Don’t be,” I hissed, snatching a fresh brush and ramming it in the prepared paint to coat it. “She was a stupid, foolish little victim who knew no better.”

“That, fair Feyre,” Lucien said, back to looking out at the gardens, “is exactly why I mourn for you.”

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May 2, 1998, 19 years ago many lost their lives in the Battle of Hogwarts. From Fred Weasley to Remus Lupin these deaths had an impact on all of us as we cried along with the friends and family of all of them. They may be fictional, but they are so much more to us and have a special place in our hearts and we will never forget them. Everyone that died taught us to be brave, to always fight for what is right and to put others before yourself. They made us believe in magic and they made us have hope. Until the very end.

To my fellow emotionally repressed abuse survivors, a heads up: when you start doing trauma work in therapy, for a while it’s going to feel like grieving is your full time job. I’m serious, and not exaggerating at all. Before therapy, I hadn’t cried for roughly 3 or so years. Once I started EMDR, I literally cried, sobbed, every single damn day for 3 straight months. I laid down on the floor, put on some Emmylou Harris and I just fucking cried. I cried so hard I burst the little blood vessels in my eyelids and I cried so much I had to up my water consumption by 10 ounces a day.

Don’t let it discourage you, even if it feels like the grief will never stop, like there’s no bottom to it. I promise you’ll get there.

psycho 05/taehyung

Originally posted by jimins-bootae

warning and a note: this chapter has some sexual harassment/slight violence (knife) in it so if you are uncomfortable with reading this kind of story please stop right here, i understand this might be hurtful to some people but this is just my crazy imagination and I’m sorry if you have ever experienced anything like this and I also wish this doesn’t happen to anyone ever, i know that taehyung isn’t like this in real life this is just a story

note: in this chapter i mention his brother but because I don’t know his name i put h/b/n instead which stands for his brothers name 

note2: sorry for any mistakes I will try and fix them later on

summary: it’s going to be okay I promise


chapter 01 chapter 02 chapter 03 chapter 04

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Stubborn Love

Sequel to All You Never Say. Aftermath of Pete’s mistake.

I’m getting back into the swing of things, so I hope this is good. lol I hope that those of you that love this story enjoy it! Those of you who aren’t in to this story, I’m working on the next part of Bewitched (Cesaro) and my Mojo request.

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Prompt: Naegi and Kirigiri with Saihara as their child (PS this is spoiler-free and I haven’t played/watched the game so excuse me for mischaracterizing)

A/N for @qosic a WAY belated birthday gift. Dude, I love you so much that I would write naegiri for you. Thanks for being awesome and I hope this will be enough for your forgiveness at my late greeting.

Another Detective in the Family - naegiri with child saihara

When Saihara was born, they never talked about his talent.

Instead the parents cried and cooed at a healthy baby born and how they would protect him and shower him in love. Whether or not he had talent was not a concern of theirs so long as he was happy. Makoto did joke before that he wished their son didn’t inherit his luck if that counted as a discussion. Kyouko was still smooth as ever when she calmly mentioned that their son would most likely inherit his hope. They both blushed at that, him more so than her. It was nice and peaceful and all was right in the world in those moments.

When Saihara grew up, he inevitably showed talent.

At first it was just interest in his parents’ works which then developed into skill. He solved his first mystery when he was four and the culprit was his father who ate his mother’s pudding. It was an easy first case but he had been proud over debunking his father’s alibi. He had a feeling that his mother knew all along but just milked the situation for his father’s reaction. The next time they went grocery shopping, they bought him extra pudding as a reward.

From then on, he pursued mysteries with a wonderlust. He solved them left and right and he grew bolder with each success. It seemed as though he was already set on the path of being a detective just like his mother. However, unlike his mother, he didn’t become cold and distant in his work. He took after his father when it came to being social. He was friendly enough and made sure that everyone was at least  comfortable around him. His mother made no comment on his work ethic and his father cheered him on. He would make them proud.

At the tender age of seven, he was a prodigy.

A prodigy that was still babied by his parents just because they can.

“Mom, I have some news.” He declared as soon as he caught sight of her in the living room.

“Really?” Kyouko asked although judging by her tone, it sounded rhetorical.

Saihara’s smile immediately turned into a scowl or at least it was supposed to be but it came out as a pout. “You already know, don’t you?”

She hummed playfully. “If you say so then what ever gave me away?”

This was a test and he just knew it. Ever since he started showing interest, she also began to train him in subtle ways. Sure it was fun at first but after a few years, it got old fast. Well more like annoying since they were easy and she knew how he felt about the easier tests but still handed them out. Her excuse was that it was to drill in the basics but he knew better and that she just wanted to tease him.

He took a moment to reorganize his thoughts into a concise explanation. “Well you’re early but not too early. That provides just the right time frame for you to meet auntie given his schedule. However, the incriminating evidence is that your blouse has wrinkles around the shoulder area that could only be acquired by someone placing their arms there in a hugging manner. And you never let anyone but auntie do that. Given auntie’s nature, I have no doubt that she already told you about the news.”

Kyouko stared at him, her silence carrying judgement with every passing second. “Nice try.” She curtly said.

“Nice try? Not well done?” He asked incredulously.

“It’s not a bad induction.” She shrugged. “However, it is incorrect.”

“Incorrect?” He gasped. It was like a blow was dealt to his gut.

“I learned about the news from your uncle this morning. Everything else, I planned and planted.” She explained in a collected manner and then surprised him at the tenderness in her touch when she patted his head comfortingly. “It seems that you have much to learn since you were deceived easily.”

“It wasn’t that easy. I’m going to see through it next time.” He grumbled and covered half of his face in embarrassment.

“There, there.” She smiled as she continued to pat him.

Makoto came home shortly after and gave both of them warm hugs. “How was your day, Saihara?” He affectionately brushed his hair.

“M'fine.” He mumbled though he did not pull away.

“Oh, Kyouko. It looks like you already know about the news. Did uncle tell you?” Makoto said when he turned towards her.

“Seriously?” Saihara’s jaw dropped. “How did you even find out about that? I thought mom was the detective between the two of you!”

“I have my fair share of experiences at solving mysteries.” He winked at his son. “I just might be better than you.”

“How??” He squawked at how infuriatingly talented his father was. “At least tell me how you figured it out!”

“A lucky guess?” Makoto just laughed at his son’s scrunched up face. “Just kidding, kiddo. I actually saw them when uncle delivered the news.”

Saihara practically fumed. He was played by his parents. Twice! “I hate you both.” He grumbled.

“Love you more.” Kyouko giggled.

“Love you too!” Makoto chuckled.

Despite Saihara’s weak protests, Makoto pulled the three of them together in for another bear hug which Kyouko obliged. He ended up smiling with them and although he did laugh, he refused to acknowledge that out loud. More than the thrill and satisfaction of solving mysteries, he thought that it was moments like these that topped his list. Here, in the safety and warmth of his loving parents. He forgets and forgives them for teasing but they would never let him forget that he was their beloved son.

When Saihara looked up to his parents, he didn’t think of talent since all he saw was love.

Speak (Jason Todd x Reader)

A/N: I really hope you like it!
Warnings: Angst, yelling, cursing
Request: Could you do some angst with Jason and a little sister? My only specification is that his nickname for her is Bluebird

You awoke to voices coming from the kitchen. You made out the voices of Bruce and your older brother. Your dead older brother.

It had been five years since you were eleven, five years since Jason died, and four years since the hallucinations had started. Four years since your slow descent had begun.

You saw him everywhere. For the past few days he’d been sitting by your bedside, making empty promises about how he’d never leave you again. Ironic, coming from a hallucination.

You hardly moved anymore. Hours of your life wasted away, staring at your ceiling, not caring what happened around you. Wayne Manor could be burning to the ground and you wouldn’t move a muscle. You ate scarcely. You slept too much or not enough. You were a husk.

So when you heard your older brother, screaming at Bruce downstairs, all you could do was sigh.

“It’s not a lost cause,” Bruce attempted to console Jason after the fifth time he’d tried to talk with you.

“It’s like there’s not even a person in there anymore. What happened to the kid I left behind?” Jason snapped, anger building in his chest.

“We’ll figure out a way to-”

“She’s not responding to me, Bruce. Fucking hell, she won’t even look me in the eye!” Jason slammed his hands down on the counter in frustration.

“She doesn’t think you’re real,” Bruce replied. “She’s been seeing—hallucinating—you for years.”

“And you didn’t think to help her? There’s medication for this!” Jason retorted and raised his voice, going from exasperated to livid.

“I wanted to reach out to her but-”

“But what?!” Jason screamed. “But you were too much of a coward?!”


“You did this to my sister! You did this to your daughter!” Jason continued at the top of his lungs. Anger rose in his chest, and a lump started to form in his throat.

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t spend every day regretting what I did to her? What I didn’t do to help her?” Bruce retaliated, still maintaining an even, yet harsh, tone.

“Regret? Is that all you have to offer? You took away a beautiful, happy, intelligent kid all because you were too fucking scared! It doesn’t help her, Bruce. Regret doesn’t help me, or her or anyone that you wanted to save but didn’t!” Jason was still yelling, the cracks in his voice beginning to betray him.

“This is still about you, isn’t it? How I never avenged your death. I’m sorry things turned out this way, but you need to stop-”

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Jason advanced on Bruce, grabbing the collar of his shirt. “Don’t you fucking dare, you stupid son of a bitch. Don’t think for a damn second that this is about my baggage. Don’t try to turn this bullshit on me,” his fist clenched around the fabric of Bruce’s shirt. Bruce’s calm only served to intensify his anger. “You did this. You took her life away.”

Jason let Bruce go with a harsh shove and turned to walk away just as tears started to fall.

“Where are you going?” Bruce questioned after him.

“To see my sister.”

Jason made his way up the stairs and to your room. The chair that he’d moved to your bedside four days ago was still in its place.

He sat and looked down at the shell of his baby sister. The shell of his Bluebird. He felt grief twisting in his gut at how frail you looked. You were far paler than was natural for you, you were skin and bones. Your eyes were open, unmoving, and fixated on the ceiling.

“Hey, Bluebird. It’s me again,” he started, his voice shaking.

There he was again. Your big brother, sitting at your bedside, talking to you. Why couldn’t he be real?

“I miss you,” you whispered, still staring up at the ceiling.

“I’m real, damnit!” Jason cried out, grabbing your hand in his and bringing it to your face.

Shivers snaked down your spine as you felt his breath flutter across the back of your hand. You felt the warmth of his palms and a pulse in his fingers. The hallucinations had touched you like this before but they’d never felt this… real.

You shifted your eyes slowly over to the person who sat at your beside. It was the first time you’d even spared one of these mirages so much as a glance for months.

That’s funny. It was definitely him, but older. Every time you’d ever looked before, he hadn’t aged a day.

Could it be? There was no way, right? That this was really Jason?

Jason’s eyes widened as your gaze met his.

“B-Blue? Please, it’s me. I’m back, see? I’m real and I’m here and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let this happen.” This time, Jason did not stop himself from breaking into tears, his chest heaving slowly.

His heart pulsed rapidly in his chest when your lips parted as if you were going to say something.

The tears in his eyes turned into sobs that racked his entire body as your eyes shifted back up to the ceiling, your hand dropping back to your side.


Enemies (Ethan)


Music was booming throughout the Dolan house. You had thanked the heavens their parents were out of town for the weekend. Normally you weren’t much of a party person but Grayson and Ethan always threw the best parties. 

You made your way into the kitchen and poured yourself a drink. You had settled on some vodka with cranberry juice, your usual go-to. You were about six drinks in and you were definitely feeling it. You walked around conversing with everyone and meeting new people. You headed outside to the backyard where the hired DJ was setting up equipment. Numerous lanterns lined the fence of the backyard and illuminated the party. It was beautiful. They had the perfect backyard for partying. There were tables lined with various appetizers and desserts. You picked at some watermelon and popped it in your mouth humming happily as the sweet taste filled your tastebuds. You wiped the juice that was spilling off your lips away before sipping on your drink again. 

You waved over at Grayson who beamed at you ear to ear. He was standing next to Ethan who regarded you cooly. Ever since you had met the twins three years ago when you first moved to Jersey you had clashed with Ethan. He got under your skin every chance he could and the two of you bickered back and forth constantly. It was for the best that you stayed away from each other. 

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First Time For Everything

Originally posted by frozen-delight

Request: Hey! Could you write a fic where you and Dean are together and when they have sex for the first time he’s really rough and doesn’t know she was a virgin. And when they’re “finished” he sees the blood and asks her about it and feels really bad for being so rough. So he does something really romantic for her and then fluffy fluffy fluffy smut? Really slow and sweet with cuddles and kisses and all the romance?

Pairing: Dean x reader

Word Count: 2,200ish

Warnings: language, smut

A/N: I love how sweet this one got…

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All my opinions on Hamilton in Chicago

This was my second time seeing Hamilton, the first time in Chicago. While the fact that it was the second time around with a different cast and theater certainly made it feel different than last time, one thing that was weighing heavily on me throughout the show was that… the country feels like it’s heading in a different direction than what I saw it last. My all-time favorite lines in the show are these that Hamilton sings:

I wrote some notes at the beginning of a song someone will sing for me
America, you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me
You let me make a difference
A place where even orphan immigrants
Can leave their fingerprints and rise up

The first time I heard this I thought about the American Dream and how far we’d come in building upon the work these people had started. This time I thought about the weight of responsibility that is on all of us now to do so much better. I still found hope in the show but in different places than I had before.

With that, I’ll talk about the performances under the cut.

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I just bought the soundtrack CD to The Book of Life so I could listen to it in my car whenever I had a bad day at work… or any time, really… and I was charmed when I read director/writer Jorge Gutierrez’ liner notes:

“Gustavo (Santaolalla) brought in his friend Paul Williams… to collaborate in writing two original songs for two HUGE moments in the film. The first time I heard his demo for “I Love You Too Much” I cried alone in my office. And when he sent “The Apology Song”, my wife Sandra and I had had a rough day on the film. We were driving home and we pulled over to hear it. We both cried. Our son Luka, four years old at the time, saw us crying and started crying too! But they were all tears of joy.”

“And my beloved Diego Luna, who had never sung on film before, poured out his heart and soul into the songs. You can hear all of Manolo’s vulnerability in his performance. Magic again.”

6 Months - Night Pills

Originally posted by saintminyoongi

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 1412

A/N: I made this blog as a secondary to my main so I could write and comfortably express my undying love for BTS/Park Jimin. I used to write a lot but I lost my inspiration. But then I was introduced to the wonderful world of Bangtan and I have a new muse. I’m a little rusty so I hope you like! Also I think I succeeded in making it gender neutral but I apologize if I missed some things 

Yoongi stumbled into the house, his entire body aching and his chest heavy. Slowly, he sat down on the bench in the hall to carefully take off his sneakers. His movements were sloppy and sluggish, his body in a trance-like state from exhaustion. Once his feet were free, he made his way to the kitchen swiftly downing three glasses of water and his night pills. He chose to keep the lights off - his eyes previously adjusting to the darkness - in hopes of soothing the pain the came along with his ‘medicine’. Pausing, he sat at the bar placing his warm forehead on the cool laminate for some relief as he waited for the pills to kick in. A sigh left his mouth as he closed his eyes and listened to the silence of the house. All that could be heard was the whirring of the fridge and the whooshing of the air flowing through the vents. This calmed Yoongi, brought his heart-rate to an almost lifeless pace and his breathing to wisps instead of breaths. After ten minutes of waiting Yoongi finally stood up; swinging his unnecessarily heavy bag over his shoulder caused a shock of pain to shoot up into his head. A low groan left his mouth as he twisted his neck around in hopes of relieving some of the tension.

His heavy feet began to trudge up the stairs and down the hall to the bedroom. The door was open and a small stream of light coming through the closed blinds cast his shadow onto the floor. I should invest in some black-out curtains he thought to himself as he began to remove his clothes. The silence of the night had been interrupted once he entered the room but Yoongi didn’t mind. The culprit was a sound that Yoongi enjoyed more than anything else in the world. Your light breaths brought him a comfort that he couldn’t explain; knowing that you were there waiting for him, curled up in a ball whilst settling to cuddle with the bear he won you on your first date until he returned to replace it, made all the ache in his muscles disappear. Once he was comfortable in nothing but his briefs, he slowly slid into the bed beside you. Normally he would take a quick shower before climbing in beside you but today he couldn’t seem to muster up the energy.

He smiled as he waited to hear your voice. Every night Yoongi practiced late you would still turn in at a regular time, but you found that your body chose to go into the lightest sleep possible before slowly awakening when you felt his body sink into the other side of your shared bed. At first you found it frustrating as the two of you were one in the same, putting sleep on the highest of pedestals, but you had grown to welcome it. With Yoongi’s busy and unpredictable schedule it had been hard to plan time to spend together but you stayed positive knowing that you always had this time together. You turned your body to face him once he settled in, his arm wrapping around you.

“Yoongi” you greeted quietly, keeping your eyes closed. He hummed in response nuzzling his nose against your own. You smiled, eyes still shut as he pressed small kisses around your face. The two of you were silent for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence “Yoongi,” you said again, “I’ve missed you.” You heard him swallow and sigh.

“It—it was hard today.” He whispered, his voice cracking slightly. That was when your eyes opened. He stared at you, the pain clear in his expression as water filled his eyes. You felt your heart break, the feeling unbearable as you stared at the love of your life so troubled. You couldn’t help the deep frown that made its way onto your face. Reaching your hand up, you held his cheek in your palm slowly rubbing your thumb against his skin.

“Don’t you start crying on me now” you said to him, attempting to sound stern but your voice failed you.

“Y/N” he replied simply, choking back a sob. He took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself. The tears had begun to fall from his eyes as his body trembled. “I don’t think I can d—” his sob interrupted his words as he began to break down. His ducked his head into your chest and you pulled him close. His grip on you tightened, nearly suffocating you but all you did was stroke his hair in response. You tried to calm him with your words but you knew nothing you said could fix the heart of this broken man. His entire body shook fiercely as he sobbed loudly, his throat burning from every sound that left it. You would let him cry. You would let him cry until his eyes shriveled up from dehydration. You would let him cry until he shook so hard he crumbled. You would let him cry until his voice disintegrated into nothing but a whisper. You would let him cry until his body forgot how to. You would let him cry, but you couldn’t. Your time was limited and you didn’t want to spend it like this. You pulled away from him, bringing his face to meet yours. You stared at him with a sad smile, wiping the rivers from his cheeks.

“You’ve cried so much your eyes are almost swollen shut. Can you even see me?” You joked, trying to release some of the tension that was crushing the atmosphere. But both you and Yoongi knew the answer to your question and it burned. You sighed loudly, knowing your time would be up soon. Yoongi was exhausted, sleep slowly but surely making its way into his brain. His eyes fluttered shut lightly, staying closed for longer than a blink. “I should go” You whispered, your eyes never leaving his face.

“No, please no, just a few more minutes” Yoongi begged, “I’m awake I promise. I’ll stay awake all night if I have to.” He cried as he opened his eyes as wide as he could. You couldn’t help but chuckle at his desperate attempt to have more time with you.

“You know sooner or later I have to leave.”

“Later, so much later. Y/N please I need you here tonight. I—I’m not sure what I’ll do if you…”

“Yoongi. This has to stop, it’s not healthy” You had tried having this talk with him many times before but he never listened. You knew he was hurting but this was no way to cope. He wasn’t letting go, he wasn’t moving on.

“Not having you with me is what’s not healthy. I can’t live without you. I just can’t. I can’t Y/N. Everything hurts all the time no matter what I do. Nothing can make it better, not the boys, not my music, not even sleep. I can’t even sleep without you. I’ve lost everything Y/N. You are my muse, my inspiration, my heart, my soul, my mind. You are my life and now…” Yoongi breathing was deep, his heart and head pounding. He could feel you slipping away again, your body turning cold, the outline of your face appearing less defined, your words sounding incoherent.

“Yoongi, I am always with you. You don’t need to do this. And you haven’t lost everything, your parents love you, you have six brothers who want to help you in any way possible, you have your fans, you have—”

“I DON’T WANT THOSE!” Yoongi shouted. His chest heaved in anger and frustration, how come you couldn’t understand? How come you didn’t feel the same? He knew the answer but he recoiled from it. You sighed for what felt like the millionth time that night.

“It’s time for you to sleep, my love” You said as you began to stroke his hair again.

“I don’t want to” Yoongi replied stubbornly. If he refused to stop taking the pills, he would at least have to sleep more than two hours a night.

“Yoongi, please. For me?” You begged him. He stared at you, his eyes searching for something. Then, without a word, he closed his eyes. You smiled leaning in to place a kiss on his lips that you knew he wouldn’t feel and to whisper three words that you knew he wouldn’t hear before you disappeared.

Prequel: Heart Palpitations

A Suicide Meeting

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warning : Suicidal tendencies

Bucky Barnes sat leaning against the railing of the bridge. The water underneath was violent tonight. His fingers woven through his long chestnut hair, eyes tightly shut - Bucky was in pain.

He wanted to end it all.
He wanted to end it tonight.
But he couldnt find it in him to do so.

He was mentally debating his chances, when he heard it.

It was soft at first, and then it grew louder, more clearer. Bucky opened his eyes slowly, his fingers leaving his hair as he glanced up.

It was dark, but he could make out a figure by the opposite railing. When his eyes finally adjust to the darkness, he saw her.

She was sobbing uncontrollably, her voice cracking with grief.

Bucky sat open mouthed, watching her, almost feeling her pain, on top of his own.

“No…no…NO!” She screamed, before hurling her cellphone into the water.

And the next thing her knew, she was climbing the railing, and he knew this was his cue. He groaned, before jumping up from his position and running towards her.

Just as her hands left the railing, Bucky grabbed her by her waist, almost missing her by inches. She screamed and fought him, as he struggled to pull her back to the bridge.

“Let go !!” She screaming, her hands attacking him.

“Stop it !” Bucky shot back, pulling in one swift movement, and throwing her onto the brigde.

Breathing heavily, he watched her lying on the wooden floor, crying. He crouched beside her, not knowing what to do.

When she finally started breathing normally again, she looked up at Bucky.

“Why did you save me ?” She asked in a whisper.

“I dont know” Bucky said, shaking his head, and looking away. “I just couldnt -”

Bucky stood up again, and helped her to her feet.

“Are you sure you wont try that again?” Bucky asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

“You can never be too sure of that” She said drily.

“Lets get out of here before you get anymore ideas” Bucky said, turning to walk back.

It was so dark, they werent actually able to see eachother clearly, so when Bucky started walking, he felt her walking very close to him, her hand almost touching his.

They walked silently for a while before they reached a more lighted area.

Bucky glanced at the girl, and saw that she was quite smaller than him. She wasnt one of most beautiful girls he had seen, but there was something about her that made his insides tickle.

“Y/N Y/L/N” The girl said slowly. “Thank you, for what you did”

Bucky snapped out of his thought, and nodded.
“Im -” he began.

“James Barnes” Y/N said, her eyes not leaving the road. “I know”

“Well, its not everyday that people recognize me that way - they prefer to call me the -”

“You dont have to say it”

Their eyes met.

“Thank you” Bucky murmured.

He saw a hint of a smile on her face.

“Are you hungry ? We can stop for a snack” Bucky asked, stopping in front of a small cafe.

“Im starving ” Y/N said, nodding.

They entered the cafe, and gave their orders.

“What was the reason ?” Bucky asked.

Y/N blushed, and covered her face with her hands.

“I was stupid” she said, shaking her head. “So so stupid”

“That goes without saying” Bucky agreed, earning a glare from her.

“I ran away from home, with this idiot - whom Im supposed to be marrying tomorrow - ” Y/N began.

“Oh - what happened ?” Bucky asked.

“Well, he took off with someone else, breaking up with me over a text - and not to mention taking all my money”
Y/N said shrugging.

Bucky laughed.

“Im sorry, but seriously -”

“I already admitted I was stupid” Y/N said, her shoulders drooping. “I cant go back home, James”

“Why not ?” Bucky asked.

“Because I ran away !! And stole money from my step-mom !” Y/N said, her eyes wide. “I cannot go back and be Cinderella again”

Bucky nodded.

A middle aged waitress served them their food, and then the table was quiet, except for the occasional clinging and clanging of  forks.

“Seriously, this is the best Ive felt in days” Y/N said, smiling. “Thank you -again”

Bucky smiled.

“Dont worry about it” He said.

They were walking again, slowly.

“So, where are you going now ?” Bucky asked.

Y/N shrugged.

“I dont know” She said. “I have a friend here in the city. Maybe stay with her for a few days, till I figure out what to do”

Bucky remained quiet for a while. Then mustering up some courage, he said, “You can come with me, if you want. I have an apartment, I live alone”

Y/N stared at Bucky with her mouth open.

“I mean, I can understand if you dont want to - but if you do want to - you can stay for as much as you like - ” He was nervous, and he didnt know if he did it right - beacause he had never done it before.

Y/N was about to cry again.

“Im sorry - I -” Bucky took a step back, staring at the girl in front of him.

“Thank you, James ! Thank you so much ! You did so much for me, and you hardly even know me !” Y/N cried.

“Well, ” Bucky shrugged, blushing. “It comes with some risks…”

“What risks ?”

“I could go ‘Winter Soldier’ anytime” Bucky said, “I could end up killing you in your sleep”

“Oh please” Y/N dismissed him with a wave of her hand. “Dont have much to lose anyway”

Bucky laughed.

“Dont be so bitter” he said, “You havent seen anything. Trust me when I say that”

“I trust you” Y/N said with a smile.

“Lets go then ” Bucky said, returning her smile.

“Hey, why were you on that bridge anyway?” Y/N asked, suddenly stopping.

Bucky gave her an embarrassed smile.

“For the same reason you were there” He said.

“How ironic”


Requested: Dad Shawn 💕       

Shawn Mendes x Reader

words: 582

Shawn and you had been engaged for some time and your daughter Olivia was already 5 years old. She was a very happy and open-minded kid and nearly as much into music as her father. Olivia meant everything to him and he would never put his career before his daughter, but of course, he still loved his music and his fans. He never stopped working on new songs or a new album and he also went on tour again.

It was at the end of the tour, there were only a few shows left when Olivia couldn´t sleep because she missed him so much. “Can we visit him again? I know he´s coming back soon, but I can´t wait. Please mum.” she cried while lying in your arms. You two had visited him once before, but it was already a few weeks ago and it was just not the same to talk to him only via facetime. You missed him also very much and you hated to see your daughter like that. You thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would be a great surprise for Shawn at the end of his tour. You nodded “Okay! I will book us a flight,” you said with a smile and kissed Olivia on the head.

After you two arrived, you called Andrew, Shawn´s Manager. You had told him about your plan and he told you where to meet him so he could get you backstage at the show. Olivia was very excited, she couldn´t wait to see Shawn again but the show had already started when you two arrived.  “Where´s dad?” Liv asked with shining eyes while pulling nervously on your hand. “He´s on stage” and before you could say anything else, she was already on her way. “Olivia! Wait!” You ran after her but she was too fast.

He just finished a song, and soft murmurs went through the crowd when Olivia ran towards Shawn. The look on his face was priceless. At first, he looked extremely confused, but then there was nothing except joy. “Dad!” she shouted when she finally jumped in his arms. “Liv, what are you doing here?” he let out a laugh. “Surprise! We´ve missed you way too much to wait any longer,” she said while hugging him as tightly as she could, her arms and legs around his upper body. “I´ve missed you too, this is the best surprise ever, thank you.” He kissed her on the cheek.
“Do you want to stay on stage for one song?” he asked. Olivia nodded wildly. A man brought a stool onstage and Shawn sat down, with Liv on his lap. “Okay, apparently we´ve a little guest onstage,” he told the crowd, with a big smile. “My beautiful daughter Olivia.” He introduced her to the crowd. “What´s your favourite song Liv?” he asked her through the mic. “Never be alone” she answered after thinking for a second, and the audience cheered. Shawn smiled knowingly, when the tour began he told her to listen to that song whenever she´s missing him.
“This is Never be alone. For you Olivia.” He kissed her on her hair and began to sing. Almost everyone sang along, Liv also, hardly audible for the crowd, but Shawn heard it and it was the best feeling in the world for him. Singing together with his little daughter, ahead of thousands of fans.

What Do You Say When Words Are Not Enough? (Part Five)

Read Part Four Here:

Part Five:  It’s You, It’s You, It’s All For You

The title of this chapter comes from this song and is from my dear Lana del Rey, the whole mood of this song encapsulates the mood of this chapter I think and I may have stolen a line from it!

Summary: Bucky broke your heart completely, and though you never thought you could love someone like that ever again, after Tony confesses he has carried feelings for you for a long time, could you find it in you to take another chance on love? Will Bucky let you?

Warnings: All the warnings that go with this series, mind your hearts!

Words: c. 1,529

You iced your hand, bitterly regretting your stupidity at punching the elevator wall.

What the hell was Tony doing? How could he have called Pepper of all people? How could you have gotten this whole situation so wrong?

All this time he had been telling you he loved you, and you had fallen in love with him, but he was willing to bow out of the race as soon as it got difficult?

You’d had no say in Bucky turning up but you had set him straight, you’d finished it for good, and you had been so sure that tonight was going to be the first night of the beginning of your life together with Tony.

Maybe he truly had meant what he said in the basement, maybe he did intend to cut his losses and run while he had the chance. That would make a grand total of two guys in your life who were willing to simply walk away from you without a second thought, and that was what hurt the most. You had fallen into the same trap, and ended up alone… again.

You couldn’t physically cry anymore, you’d sort of gone numb instead as you wrapped your hand with a bandage.

You rifled through your closet until you found the one thing you were looking for, Tony’s Black Sabbath shirt that he had given you the first night you had slept over at his, it only vaguely smelt like him still and you held it to your nose for a while before slipping off your top and replacing it with his, relishing in its softness and the memories it brought with it. 

You couldn’t remember falling asleep, you couldn’t even remember getting into bed but when you awoke at 3:17am to be precise you knew there wasn’t a hope in hell you would be able to get back to sleep.

Rising, you made your way to the kitchen and fumbled with the coffee maker until it gave you something not nearly strong enough to kill the headache you had developed but enough to take the edge off.

You made your way up to the balcony fully intending to wallow in the self-pity of everything that had happened today and enjoying the silence of the night.

Leaning against the railings you took small sips of your coffee and took some small comfort in the twinkling lights of the city, you felt rather than heard someone behind you and turning around slowly you saw a shattered looking Tony standing a few feet away from you.

His eyes flickered to the shirt you were wearing and an unreadable expression crossed his face.

“You said I could keep it,” your tone was hurt, defensive even and his eyes flew up to yours, as he shook his head, wordless, that wasn’t what he had meant at all, he was just honestly shocked that you would still want to wear his shirt now that Bucky was back in your life, and then his eyes flashed with hurt too.

“I need you to tell me what you came to my apartment to say,” his voice was quivering, he was bracing himself for the goodbye. He had to hear it from you, if he was going to lose you to Bucky he had to hear it from you as opposed to him.

“No,” you cried out with gritted teeth, “no you don’t get to do that to me.”

“Please y/n. I just need to hear you say it,” he was pleading with you, looking so close to tears that you turned bitterly away from him for a moment and took a huge intake of breath before turning around again, and, oh great tears were gathering in your eyes again, as you placed your cup down on the ground and took a few steps away from him.

“After I came to see you in the basement, I went to speak to Bucky,” you didn’t miss the way Tony looked as though he was bracing himself for a blow, “and I told him that we were over, that I didn’t want to be with him. I couldn’t be with him because I was in love with you. I told him I wanted to be with you. And I thought… I thought that was what you wanted, I thought maybe you had been pushing me away in the basement because you didn’t know where you stood with me. I came to tell you that I was yours, if you wanted me. But I can see now that I was wrong.”

“You weren’t!” he cried rushing towards you, “You weren’t wrong, y/n you weren’t wrong at all. You are all I ever wanted”

“Then why did you give up on me?” your voice seeping in so much hurt, it actually hurt him.

“Because he was right y/n. I could never compare to what you had with him. I could never compare to him and I thought deep down that you must still love him. How could you not? How could I ever compare to that? I knew it was only a matter of time before he came back for you because he would have been crazy not to, it’s why I haven’t been able to sleep these past few weeks, because I am so in love with you it kills me. It killed me knowing that he could just come back here and snatch you away and I convinced myself that if I just walked away, if I bowed out then it wouldn’t hurt so bad, but I was so wrong. It killed me to walk away from you. I love you. Really love you.”

“It was all you Tony. There was no competition for me. The feelings I had for Bucky were unresolved anger because I realised I wanted better. I wanted to be treated the way you treat me. I wanted you!”

He blinked rapidly, processing the information you were telling him and you felt your resolve melting, “You.. you chose me?” he stuttered and you nodded.

He moved forward and cupped the side of your face with one hand, and you leaned gently into his touch.

He wiped away a single tear that rolled down your cheek.

“And now it’s too late.” You cried and he shook his head.

“No, no it’s not. Not for us!”

“But Pepper!” you cried.

Tony smiled weakly, slowly piecing together why you were so upset. You thought he had called Pepper out of revenge, you thought he had done it to purposely hurt you. You thought they were getting back together.

“I would never do anything like that to you,” he told you honestly. “Pepper was there because Steve called her,” he heard you gasp as your eyes flashed with a new betrayal “He called her to see if she would talk some sense to me, apparently, she is ‘the only person who can knock sense into me’ Steve’s words not mine. Pepper and I are over, we’ve been over for years, there’s only one girl I love and I’m looking right at her.”

“And you were short with me because you thought I was coming to tell you we were over?”

“Yes,” he laughed in exasperation “We’ve had our wires completely crossed sweetheart.”

Maybe it was the relief of having him so close to you, maybe it was the relief of knowing you had completely misjudged the whole Pepper situation, or maybe it was just relief, period, but you started to laugh in disbelief and then it turned into genuine light-hearted laughter, and Tony followed suit, smiling even though his eyes were glistening.

“I love you,” you told him through your tears and he pulled you to him as he began to sway you gently, it felt like years since the last time he had done this with you and you collapsed into his touch.

“I love you,” he tried to speak but it came out broken, like his voice had gone out on him.

“It’s all for you,” you repeated against his shoulder and he continued to sway you gently.


You couldn’t tell how long you stayed up on that balcony simply holding onto Tony, trying to reassure him with every touch, every kiss that you really were his.

No one was going to come along and snatch you and you felt a deep sense of empathy for what he had told you he had been going through.

You had felt for one night that someone was going to take him away from you and it had hurt like hell, he had been feeling this way for weeks and you could understand why he reacted the way he did when Bucky finally did turn up.

But here you were together now for certain, no matter what adversities you had to get through Bucky’s return was certainly one that had been a hard fought battle but as Tony gently swayed you and you breathed in that scent that was so distinctly him, you were certain that this was where you belonged.

With him.

And whatever else life decided to throw at you, you would face it.


Tagging: @creideamhgradochas @sydsyd1874 @ifoundlove-x0vanessa0x @markandjackaremysuperheros @ravens-2nd-blog @knittingknerdy @shamvictoria11 @buckysberrie @assembletheimagines @jennifers-bread @dearthofequanimity @sneakingpixiejutsu @bovaria @fvckingavengers @angryschnauzer @beccaanne814-blog @wellthatsrandomkek @3brosangel @palaiasaurus64 @hellomissmabel @mitra-k-w @nikkitia7 @fantasticimpaladoctor @angel34jolly-blog @feelmyroarrrr @marvelingatthewonder @james-bionic-barnes @fabulous-dani @voidjillybean @candyrogers @sebseyesandbuckysthighs @pimpaladestiel @tinaferraldo @andhiseyesweregreen @frickin-bats @alwayssmilepretty @buckyywiththegoodhair  @pandarosita @iiharu-kunii  @givemethatgold @fandom-hoe101 @moreinfinite @lilasiannerd @buckyb-avengers @avengerofyourheart @flowercrownsandmetallicarms @littlemissglassgirl @mytasterpeculiar @angel34jolly-blog @movingonto-betterthings @captain-amelia-bradley@mizzzpink @dryerpet @puffedchoco @bigbadwolfhale @marvelgoateecollection @janvdyne @jaegers-and-kaijus @peoniesinmyhair @violeata @xxmusic13luverxx @pegausustheepic @itsagentromanoff @bellenuit45 @perrychastain @harrisbn  @s-acafst @fandom-writes  @challenge-accep-ted 

Some tags did not work, not for lack of trying believe me. If your tag didn’t work, I am sorry x x

Klance High School AU

So for a while now I have been wanting to post some headcanons about Klance in High School. I also got inspired by some of my chats with @queencrazyships

-Lance is the star Baseball player at Altean High. Always the class clown who seems to be getting by with his grades (no one knows how, not even Hunk) and always tries to flirt with any girl coming his way.

-In comes the new kid Keith Kogane. Pretty much from day one doesn’t really talk to anyone and is just overall a bit of an outcast. Really good with his grades so the teachers don’t complain about it.

-Though one time, some jocks tried to beat up Keith. Needless to say they each had gotten black eyes, a broken nose and quiet a number of bruises. This also caused Keith to be feared by others as well.

-He does surprisingly make friends with Shiro Tadashi, who is also on the baseball team. Most would have said that those tow would not have been friends. 

-Keith and Lance first start their rivalry of sorts in PE where Lance tried to agitate Keith. He did. And got a black eye from it. They would always throw insults at one another and it would be a pretty interesting match between those two.

-But then Coran, the History teacher at school, calls in Lance because his grades in history are failing and that if he wants to stay on the Baseball team he needs to get better at history. He then calls in Keith. Keith will now have to tutor Lance.

-At first Keith is very much against it, but Coran tells him that if he does it he will be given extra credit that will be on his grade. Keith accepts.

-Keith and Lance then come to an agreement to be civil during their tutoring sessions.

-One could say that their first tutoring session went as well as the Titanic, but at the end of it they somehow find out that they both like Star Wars.

-And from there, crushes ensue.

-Keith ends up being the first one to figure it out and goes to Shiro on what to do. 

-’I mean hell Shiro, how the hell am I suppose to tell the guy who sees me as their stereotypical anime rival that I have a crush on him and that I would want to kiss him and laugh at his stupid puns!’

-Needless to say, Keith has it pretty hard for McClain

-And with Lance, it does take a while.

-Pretty much Pidge had to literally yell at him that he has a crush on Keith.

-Until this point, Lance had never considered himself as Bisexual or hell, even be interested in guys. He cries for a bit for not realizing it before since he is suppose to be ‘the’ cassanova at school (or as Pidge would call him, the failing cassanova).

-So after a lot of thinking, Lance finally decides to take the bull by the horns!

-He however chooses the wrong day to do so however.

-Keith was having a not so great day with his feeling on edge due to feeling overstimulated (yes here Keith is autistic incase you are wondering) and just wanting to go home because everything was just too loud.

-Shiro does know that when Keith is like this he doesn’t talk as much, so he takes over the talking for the day.

-During free period, Lance decides to take action. 

-He goes up to Keith and asks if they could talk in private.

-Once at the back of the school, Keith tries to act agitated to not make it clear to Lance that he isn’t feeling too well and that he is about to have a meltdown (Keith still hadn’t felt fully trustworthy towards Lance at this point and didn’t want to scare Lance off either)

-Lance almost takes it the wrong way and almost calls it off, but decides ‘screw it’.

-He pretty much tells Keith that he has had feeling for Keith for quiet some time now. How he loves how Keith is rather blunt, his no taking bullshit attitude, his smile, his figure, pretty much anything (yes Lance is that cheesy)

-Keith first thinks that Lance somehow knew of his crush and was trying to make fun of him, but was also hoping that Lance means it.

-After a minute of silence, Keith tried to tell Lance how he feels the same way and that he also wanted to go out with him.

-But then the school bell rings.

-Keith pretty much curls up into a ball almost and covers his ears and almost rocks back and forth, but then he remembers that Lance is right next to him and stops himself.

-Lance, being pretty good at reading people (most of the time), notices how Keith doesn’t look good and asks Keith if he wants to sit down on the stairs of the back of the school.

-Keith can’t seem to talk or say anything and just sits on the stairs.

-Lance sits next to him, but far enough away for Keith to have some personal space since he does clearly need it. He then asks Keith if he needed anything, but doesn’t get an answer.

_Lance almost panics, but then he sees the little tangle sticking out from Keith’s hoodie pocket.

-Everything just clicks from there. His aunt worked as a psychologist for children and young adults and she would often explain to Lance about how some people are just different and there is nothing wrong about that. 

-Lance then tells Keith quietly that he doesn’t care if Keith wants to stim or rock back and forth.

-Keith first doesn’t reply, but does stim with his tangle quiet a bit and then calms down after a bit.

-He does ask if Lance still wants to go out with him. To which Lance say that he would love to and offers to take him home.

-Keith does want to have a little date of sorts at Lance’s house to finally beat him at Mario Cart (’You can never beat me Kogane, for I am the champion at Rainbow Bridge!’)

-As they are walking home, Keith thinks that things will be alright.

Yeah sorry if things had gotten a bit cheesy, but sometimes you need some cheese and idk just wanted to share this.

Remember This (Grayson)

- I think this is my favorite story I’ve written so far since my writing is better than the last two. I’m practicing and trying my best so bare with me lol.

- P.S. This is kind of depressing

Grayson’s P.O.V

I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting with your girlfriends, laughing up a storm in a quaint little coffee shop. One of your friends at the time, Kayla, who I got to know pretty well over the time I’ve spent with you, cracked a joke and you spit out your coffee everywhere. Everyone else looked at you like you were crazy, but not me. It was love at first sight from there.

That boisterous laugh is just one of the many things I adore about you. I also adore your warm smile that could lighten up any room you walked into. And the way your black hair hit right above your shoulders. I remember the day you got that haircut. You asked me with that little smirk on your face, “noticed anything different about me?” Of course I did. I noticed every thing about you. And don’t even get me started on those brown eyes of yours. Like caramel swirls that I just can’t help but get lost in.

You weren’t the hottest girl around, however, you were different and I liked different. Especially in LA where everyone was the same. Everyone was made up and fake, but you were real. As real as it could possibly get. And you were so stubborn. Once your mind was made up, then that was it. You definitely had a thick skull. But I loved you all the same.

I remember the first time I had the balls to come up to you. This time, you were by yourself at the bookstore around the corner. Hardly anyone ever came here. The only reason I did was because I saw you in the window as I walked by. That was a week after I first seen you. A week full of thoughts about you. About how much I wanted to kiss those big, but not too big, pink lips and tell you that my world was now much more colorful with you in it.

You were sat in a red bean-bag chair on the floor reading Sense and Sensibility, a classic. I was nervous as hell, with my palms sweating and my heartbeat racing, but I went up to you eventually and you never looked more beautiful with your blushed cheeks and a shocked look on your face. I couldn’t help but grin. Most likely from being scared of you rejecting me.

We talked all day in that bookstore, hours passed and before we knew it, it was time to head home. I told you things most people didn’t know about me because I just felt that comfortable around you. You told me things that just made me like you more. I got your number and texted you later that night saying how much fun I had learning about you. You said the same and I went to bed smiling like a fool.

Three dates in and I was hooked on you. I know it sounds dramatic, but I waited my whole life for someone like you to come around. I know I was only seventeen at the time, but who cares. And yes, you were two years older than me, but two years didn’t hurt anything. Then came my eighteenth birthday. Your gift to me was your virginity which I was stunned that you were still a virgin, but that made it all the more special. So I made love to you and even though I’ve had sex before, those times didn’t even compare to this time. Cause this time was with you. After we finished, we cuddled, tangled in each other’s arms and that’s when I knew what paradise was. It was being your man.

Then, things took a turn for the worst. We fought like cats and dogs almost everyday and even over the littlest of things. Like what movie we were gonna watch that night, which ended up with me sleeping on the couch because I said some harsh words. It was tough and it hurt like hell to see that you didn’t love me anymore. You didn’t say that directly, but you didn’t have to. I could tell.

From your one-worded answers to the roll of your eyes whenever I tried to make you laugh. It just wasn’t the same. So one day you said, out of the blue, that we should take a break. I was devastated. I never thought you’d ever say that since you always told me you’d never let go. And yet, here you are, letting go. You got up abruptly, had all your things packed before I even got home, and were out the door in no time. I cried for days, weeks, probably even months. I honestly had lost track of time. My twin brother Ethan, who you had so much fun with when we went on our little adventures, told me that he was sorry and that things would get better, but it damn sure didn’t feel like it. My heart was broken and I felt completely empty inside. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

Well, time went on and things did get better. I hadn’t heard from you in months and I found somebody new. And I loved her a lot. Her name was Ashley and we did everything together and she made me really happy. However, the night we went out to the movies, I saw you again and this time with another guy. I froze. You were smiling from ear to ear, looking at him like he put all the stars in the sky. Which was the same way I looked at you once upon a time.

That was it. After that I never saw you again. Ethan told me he heard that you moved back to Arizona, your home state. And me and Ashley were doing great. But you’d creep back into my mind every once in a while. I wonder how you’re doing, if you’re happy, or even if you’re still alive. But if you are, then please remember this, I love you. I always have and I always will.

It was March 1, 1960, the night before Elvis was to leave Germany to return to the States. We were lying on his bed, our arms around each other. I was in a state of complete despair. “Oh, Elvis,” I said, “I just wish there were some way you could take me with you. I can’t stand the thought of life without you. I love you so much.” I began sobbing, my anguish overcoming my control, “Shhh, Baby,” Elvis whispered. “Try to calm down. There’s nothing we can do.” “I’m just afraid you’ll forget me the moment you land,” I cried. He smiled and kissed me gently. “I’m not going to forget you, Cilla. I’ve never felt this way about another girl. I love you.” “You do?” I was stunned. Elvis had said that I was special before, but he’d never said that he loved me. I wanted so badly to believe him, but I was frightened of getting hurt. I’d read some of Anita’s letters, and I was sure Elvis was on his way back to her open arms. Holding me close, he said, “I’m torn with the feelings I have for you. I don’t know what to do. Maybe being away will help me understand what I really feel.” That night our lovemaking took on a new urgency. Would I ever see him again, be in his arms the way I had been nearly every night for the past six months? I missed him already. I could not bear the thought of the night ending and our saying goodbye for what I thought would be the last time. I wept and wept until my body ached with pain. For the last time I begged him to consummate our love. It would have been so easy for him. I was young, vulnerable, desperately in love, and he could have taken complete advantage of me. But he quietly said, “No. Someday we well, Priscilla, but not now. You’re just too young.” I lay awake all that night and early the next morning I was back at 14 Goethestrasse, lost in the midst of a large group of people milling about the living room. They were waiting to say goodbye to Elvis, who was upstairs finishing his last-minute packing. Knowing that I alone would be accompanying him to the airport gave me a little comfort. When Elvis came downstairs, he laughed and joked with everyone there. Finally, after saying his last good-bye, Elvis turned to me. “Okay, Little One, it’s time to go.” I nodded glumly and followed him out the door. Oblivious to the drizzling rain, hundreds of fans were waiting outside. When they saw Elvis they went crazy, begging him to sign autographs. When he finished he jumped into the waiting car and pulled me in behind him. As the door slammed, the driver accelerated and we sped toward the airport. We rode for a long while in silence, both of us lost in thought. Elvis was gazing out the window, frowning over the falling rain. “I know it’s not going to be easy for you to go back to being a schoolgirl again after being with me, Cilla, but you’ve got to. I don’t want you to be sitting around moping after I leave, Little One.” I started to protest, but he silenced me. “Try to have a good time, write to me every chance you get. I’ll look forward to your letters. Get pink stationery. Address them to Joe. That way I’ll know they’re from you. I want you to promise me you’ll stay the way you are. Untouched, as I left you. “I will,” I promised “I’ll look for you from the top of the ramp. I don’t want to see a sad face. Give me a little smile. I’ll take that with me.” Then, handing me his combat jacket and the sergeant’s stripes he’d recently been awarded, he said, “I want you to have these. It shows you belong to me."After that, he held me tight. As we approached the airport, the cheers of the waiting crowds grew louder. We drove as close to the runway as possible, then Elvis turned to me and said, "This is it, Baby.” We got out as cameras flashed, reporters shouted, and screaming fans pressed toward us. Elvis held my hand and walked across the runway apron until the guard, who was there to escort Elvis to the plane, stopped me from going further. Elvis gave me a brief hug and whispered, “Don’t worry, I’ll call you when I get home, Baby, promise.” I nodded, but before I could answer, we were pulled apart as the crowds rushed in. I was swept away by hundreds of fans, pushing and pulling, trying to get to him. I cried, “Elvis!” but he never heard me. He ran up the boarding steps. Then he turned and waved to the crowd, his eyes searching for me. I waved frantically, as did hundreds of other fans, yet he found me, and for one more brief moment, our eyes locked. Then he disappeared. Just like that. My parents came to the airport to drive me back to Wiesbaden. During the long ride I was silent.
For the next two days I locked myself in my room, unable to eat, unable to sleep.
Finally my mother said "This isn’t going to help. Moping around here isn’t going to bring him back. He’s gone. He’ll be getting into his new life, and so should you.
I forced myself to go to school and found myself swamped with photographers and reporters who were calling me ” the girl he left behind" and barraging me with questions
How old are you, Miss Beaulieu?
I’m uh-—"
“Your records show you’re only in the ninth grade”
“Well, ah yes, that—”
“How long have you known Mr Presley?”
“About….. Just a few months”
“What is your relationship with him?”
“We’re….. Just friends.”
“Has he called you since he returned.”
“No, but—”
“Did you know he’s seeing Nancy Sinatra?”
Suddenly feeling sick, I excused myself and left.

From “Elvis and Me”