i had a whole story in my head about it too but like

shibolet3  asked:

Wait what con artist from 2014

I’d like to title this story “Swing And A Miss

Okay, so my high school had this program where seniors could leave school like a month and a half early and opt out of exams if they took on internships around the neighborhood, but not everyone wanted to/was eligible to do it. Back in like 2013, they had like 15 bored seniors stuck in the school, so the administration brought in this Professional Life Coach, left him in alone in a room with them for two hours to talk to them about like, self-esteem or some shit. All the kids were pulled out of their classes for this*, and later told the administration that they loved him, they really enjoyed the talk.

So, about a year later, we have a new principal. He’s supposed to set up an assembly for all the 11th and 12th graders, but he doesn’t know what to do. One of his coworkers mentions that there was a life coach that was a huge hit with the kids that didn’t do community study last year, so maybe he’d also be great for a larger audience. The principal basically thinks “okay, what the hell” and calls up and hires Jason C. Jean to come talk to the kids.

Now, it’s like, 10:30, maybe 11:00 in the morning, and two entire grades are getting shepherded to the main gymnasium, and no one wants to God damn be there. We ain’t got time for self esteem talks. We want to sleep. And this guy, watching us all drag our feet in and collapse into the bleachers was just like…offensively peppy. There’s a couple faculty members sitting behind him, the woman who suggested he be hired for this, the vice principals for the grades- but the principal himself kept getting calls so he was in and out the whole time.

Now, Mr. Jean was like…the chill “Just call me by my first name dude” history professor at college times 30. He was trying so fucking hard. I’m referring to him as ‘Mr. Jean’ in this story just to be disrespectful. So anyway, we all get in there, and he tells us right off the bat “You guys are totally allowed to be on your phones and laptops during this! I get it! It’s no problem, like really, I insist!” so while the faculty members are exchanging smiles that read ‘how do we kill that while respecting him’, all the kids are immediately pulling out their electronics and he’s starts his speech.

Now, again, I really wanna reiterate that he told us we could be on our phones- because when the news articles started coming out about this, I remember all these angry, annoying comments from old people like “Why the hell were the students on their phones in the first place! So disrespectful! These damn millennials and their social media!” like, they were completely ignoring the entire story and just focusing in on kids using the internet, and it Really Super Pissed Me Off, so. Again, we had permission for this (which also ended up being Mr. Jean’s fatal mistake).

So, he starts off this speech fairly normally, like ‘hi, I’m Jason, I’m a professional life coach and I wanna teach you kids about how to be The Best You!’ and like people were tuning him out and listening to varying degrees. Some kids (like myself) were kinda dozing off, and everyone was on twitter or facebook.

His approach to a self esteem speech seemed to be ‘let me tell you my entire life story for hours’ and like, at first I was like “I’m not really hearing this, I’m half dreaming right now” but the more I started making myself pay attention the more…bizarre and rambling his story got.

So like, for instance, he told us he drank a lot in high school. Like, a lot. But he didn’t use that as a ‘don’t drink or party too hard’ lesson, instead he was like “I was fourteen so I always called my parents to pick me up, and they weren’t mad because they knew it meant I could trust them. So remember, always tell your parents when you’re drinking!” and then it kinda got to a point where it sounded like he was encouraging partying and drinking and the like to the group of underage kids.

And then, he told us how he used to play baseball all the time when he was a kid, and at 16 reached a crossroads in his life where the Phillies wanted to draft him or he could go play football for Penn State. And he said he went with Penn State but later lost the scholarship for some reason and we’re like…really.

There was absolutely nothing coherent about anything he was saying- nothing that tied anything together, made a point, seemed like it had anything to do with an assembly on self esteem. He told us at one point he was making upwards of 7 million a year. He told us one time before college he was homeless. He told us he used to own a construction company and built his own branch of nightclubs himself, that he and his friend then ran. He told us he fought a shark and came out with no scars. He told us that he had less money now, because after surviving a work related accident- direct quote- “I fell almost 30 feet and I broke in half” - he decided to leave that industry and spend more time with his family.

So, yeah, I was pretty positive this was bullshit, but there were clearly kids in the room that were falling for it. But then he said something like…he and his friend got bored one day and started jarring up their own pasta sauce, and made a deal with wegmans or some store like that to start selling it, and now he has a pasta sauce empire. Like he spent 15 fucking minutes on this. The way he kept saying ‘pasta sauce’ was so annoying I was about to claw my ears out. But anyway, two girls in my grade wanted to find out what brand he was talking about, so they googled his name.

And then quietly gasped.

And then furiously started typing into their phones.

And remember- everyone, even though they were paying attention- was on twitter and facebook. All the sudden I see heads flying up and wide eyes and people whispering to each other. Mr. Jean doesn’t seem to notice the change and keeps rambling on, but I know something happened so I google him too and-

Okay so basically he’s 1) been arrested, 2) filed for bankruptcy like three times and 3) has been hailed as a ‘Swinger Guru’ by playboy.

EVERYONES SILENTLY FLIPPING OUT.

So by now, this is a fucking game- he still doesn’t notice anything wrong amongst the kids, so we’re all silently texting each other to fill each other in. Pulling up receipts. But still playing the part of politely intrigued audience members. The school faculty have no fucking idea what’s going on, until one of the students texts her mom, who happens to be the woman that convinced the principal to hire this guy. We see her check her phone, go wide-eyed, and she runs out of the fucking room presumably to either find the principal or hide in terror.

So Mr. Jean had been talking to random people intermittently throughout this speech, but we reach the ‘questions’ part of it. Everyone seems to silently agree that instead of just asking him anything outright, we should just see how good of a liar he was. So they’d be asking him stuff like ‘how much money did you make with ____ company’ and he’d give a ridiculously high number as people were sending each other reports of him filing for bankruptcy during that time. Or they asked him about his construction business which he said was great, and while he was talking about how great it was we were all reading his arrest report, from when a woman hired him to build her house, and he took her money and then like…just didn’t build anything. Wild. Someone asked him about his family and he’s extolling Christian virtues while we’re all on the website for his annual Swing Fest. People would ask him how he got certain jobs and he was making promises to hook kids up in interviews and shit. Everyone was loosing their God damn minds online and just barely holding it together in person. This man was so beyond full of shit- like, he was a God awful life coach but his dedication to lying was inspirational.

We eventually get to leave and everyone is yelling and cracking up and freaking out, all running to our classes to tell the teachers and the underclassmen everything, and the teachers are freaking out, alternating between horrified confusion and laughing hysterically. Before the school day even ended, someone had called a bunch of news stations. The principal was freaking out and denying he had anything to do with it, before calling some students to his office to see what exactly the kids had searched up on the guy…Because apparently teenagers can perform better background checks than school officials. It was all anyone could talk about for weeks.

A couple months after this, for my theater class’ showcase, I wrote and directed a skit called ‘Mason B. Mean’. It was a huge hit. The principal was in the audience. I’ve never seen a grown man look so dead inside. I made sure I was out of the room before he came up to congratulate the cast and everything. The next day, my theater teacher told me his only comment about the skit was a quiet, long-suffering “Why.” 😂😂

Annnnnnnnd that’s the time a Swinger Entrepreneur rambled on about pasta sauce and money in front of teenagers who knew how to use google for almost two hours.  

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/Montco_principal_apologizes_for_having_swinger_entrepreneur_speak_to_kids.html

scutellatebooted  asked:

Hi Doc! Love reading your blog, I found you first through the Lucifer story (reminded me of a friend of mine actually) and then again through your mermaid post and have been hanging around ever since. I looked thru your archive but didn't find this question so hopefully it hasn't been asked before: what is it about horse anatomy that makes their legs so (seemingly) fragile? You'd think being as big as they are, they'd be more all-around solid. Thanks for reading, have a good one!

The horse, Equus caballus, is one of my favorite arguments against Intelligent Design. I’ve spoken before about why I no longer see them, but even as a student I would wonder why and how this species existed when there were apparently so many things that could go wrong with its own anatomy, especially next to something tough like a trusty cow.

I don’t know how it’s possible to believe in a benevolent, loving, wise creator when creatures like the horse come to exist.

So I’m going to use your question as an excuse to write a post that had been on my mind for a while:

Things That Are Wrong With Horses

The basic structure of a horse has a few significant design flaws.

  1. Cannot vomit. This means that anything which would make another species sick enough to vomit results in a horse getting s distended stomach and colic, where the stomach can rupture and the horse can die. Also means symptoms of illness are hidden longer
  2. The large bowel (hind gut) of the horse is fricking huge, but can actually displace itself and bend around the wrong way, resulting in obstruction, colic and death without surgical intervention. This can commonly happen after exertion (splenic contraction) and giving birth. Colic due to nephrosplenic entrapment is particularly common after the horse has an adrenaline release, which causes the spleen to temporarily contract, and this seems like a poor design to risk death every time you spook or go for a fast run, especially in a species known for spooking and running fast.
  3. Giving birth is a fast and explosive affair in the horse. The whole pushing business should be over and  done with in about 20 minutes, however this assumes that everything is lined up just right for a normal delivery. Foals are all long legs and necks, which are easy to get tangled or bent around the wrong way. A mare is strong enough to push her foal’s feet through her uterine wall, which is death all round.
  4. Speaking of strength, sometimes horses will kick each other when they have attitude, and they can do so with enough strength to rupture each other’s spleens.
  5. When galloping most horses, best studied in thoroughbreds because they are made to gallop on a regular basis, horses routinely bash their diaphragm with such force against their liver that their liver bruises.
  6. Galloping also often makes their lungs bleed. That’s why racehorses have their head held up after a race, so you don’t see any blood come out their nose and disqualify them. Even horses that you don’t see bleed have evidence of pulmonary bleeding after a gallop if you scope them.
  7. Their leg bones are actually pretty damn tough, but the ends are spindly little things compared to the mass of musculature up top. Their legs are subjected to huge biomechanical forces when a horse runs which can often subject them to ligament damage and lameness. A fractured leg bone can heal like any other, but if a horse can’t bear weight evenly on all four legs for an extended period of time (eg after a fracture) then they are at risk of laminitis.
  8. Laminitis can cause the hoof to slough off. (Aaargh!) They can also get laminitis from eating a bit too well.
  9. Speaking of eating, they can also get colic (and risk death) from eating not enough fiber or the wrong sort of plants or from eating too much dirt.
  10. Oh, and just to mess with you, horses have a space in their head called a guttural pouch which seems to exist for no other reason as far as I can tell (okay, maybe it’s about heat regulation) other than to get fungal infections that eat through the exposed artery and cause the horse to die from blood loss through it’s nose.

And Bonus: Exquisite sensitivity to tetanus and vulnerability to Hendravirus

This list is by no means complete. I haven’t even touched on their anesthetics or drug reactions, but it’s a simple start.

I’ve wanted to talk for So Long about the portrayal of anxiety in YOI but I’ve been having so much trouble putting together what I want to say in the most effective manner. I kept trying to come at this in a more analytical fashion, but considering that this is such a personally important topic to me, I’m going to try a more emotional approach. Something I don’t normally do.

So really, to start off, I wanna say that I’m so damn thankful for the way Yuuri is written. Really, seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever had the ability to relate more to character; Yuuri is close to a mirror of my own experiences with anxiety and it’s so fantastic to have a model of development and growth for me and people like me. I found the portrayal to be frighteningly accurate, from types of thoughts, behaviors, mannerisms… I think the episode that stood out to me the most in terms of Yuuri’s anxiety was ep7, aka Yuuri’s on-screen panic attack episode. 

The first thing I noticed was this: 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself in that exact position. I bounce my legs when I panic, just like Yuuri is doing here. Head in his hands, breathing heavily, bouncing and jostling limbs. This isn’t the Mary-Sue cutesy portrayal of anxiety–this is a real anxiety disorder. It’s not pretty. It’s not easy. It can’t be fixed with a single word or a touch or a person. Quite frankly, it’s ugly and you lose control of your body. 

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Motherhood

Short story by reddit user ellipticalmoons

I was never supposed to be a mother. But when Lilly was born, she became my whole world. We look just alike and she’s vibrant and smart. I really lucked out.

I never understood why my husband wasn’t quite as crazy about her as I was. Our relationship was great before Lilly was born but he got surly and depressed as time went on. He’s not a bad person though; I wasn’t there for him like I should’ve been. Life happens and he’s remarried now. I’m okay with that.

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Q&A Transcript with Alex Hirsch at MomoCon 2017

Question: Before you decided to make Bill the main bad guy, did you have another character in mind that would have been the villain? 

Alex: Yeah, um that’s a good question. Uh, so, when we came up with the villain of the show, I knew that… I knew that Bill was involved. And I knew that Ford had disappeared due to some deal gone wrong with some villain next to the mystery of how Gravity Falls was all assembled. 

Um, but, I didn’t yet decide that Bill was that character in the very beginning, y'know? I had always imagined it was some sort of evil character somewhere kinda hidden in the woods. I wasn’t sure I could go with the Bill idea cuz I thought it would be too much like Twin Peaks, but as we got further along the series we discussed it among the repairs and we were like, ‘none of our other villain ideas were as good.’ Bill, Bill was weirder than anything else we thought of. Um, I remember there were other ideas. Strange monsters and government officials; some kind of cthulhu– some weird crazy old man. But nothing was ever better than Bill, so it ended up sticking. Probably somewhere around, y'know, season one– midway through season one, we started thinking we might be– might be on point.

Q: Was Grunkle Stan ever aware of McGucket’s connection to his brother? 

 A: Oh, oh that’s such a good question. Wait, let me think about that for a second… Uh… lemme see… I don’t think so. I don’t think Stan was ever aware of McGucket’s connection to his brother. Because, by the time Stan traded identities with Ford, uh… McGucket had already gone off the deep end– Was already y'know, had already created the Society of the Blind Eye; had already lost his own memory. So Stan would’ve really only known McGucket as a local obnoxious fisherman. 

And McGucket, probably somewhere deep in the back of his mind, was eerily just drawn to Stan in a way he just couldn’t put his finger on, because he thought maybe he knew him, but– I don’t– I think Stan was ignorant of that. Um, I think Stan… I think Stan looking through the journals probably should’ve put two and two together, but Stan’s not the best at book-learnin’. Uh, so… my guess is Stan wouldn’t have known despite that uh, that there’s a lot of tumblr art out there showing them as like the Scooby-Doo gang. I don’t think Stan ever really knew McGucket before.

Q: What episode do you believe came out the strongest and the most well rounded overall? And is it the same as your personal favorite episode?

 A: Oh gosh. Um. That’s a great question. Hmm… I probably feel, personally, that the strongest episode is uh, “Not What He Seems” just because it’s such a dramatic episode. Like, we know– We’ve never had an episode that dramatic. But, when we first pitched it to Disney executives… they thought it was bad. [laughs] Um, Because it didn’t have a lot of jokes in it? Like, I remember normally when we’re pitching our episode, executives can usually gauge how good they are by how much people laugh. People didn’t really laugh for that one, because it’s really tense. So we thought, maybe we’d screwed up. But, when the animation came back we were like, 'Oh! It’s GOOD that it’s tense. Like, it worked!’ Um, So, I dunno if that’s my favorite episode, but I think– that’s the episode we should’ve won an Emmy for, and I’m still pissed we didn’t. [laughs]

In terms of favorite episode, like… I dunno. I think the first episode that I really felt that the show was really starting to feel the way I wanted it to– “Time Traveler’s Pig” in season one. Like, that was an episode where Dipper had an interesting story, and Mabel had an interesting story, and uh, felt nostalgic, and based around the summer, and had a big secret callback to even previous episodes, so– I just remember when we first just got that episode back in color, I was like, 'hey I think maybe I like how I’m making this cartoon show,’ so I think that has a particularly fond place in my heart, y'know.

Q: Is Disney bringing you to SDCC or NYCC later this year to promote the journal and other books coming out? 

 A: Right, um, yeah, Disney– Disney… Disney-general and me, have like– we’re divorced. Like, they kept the house, and the pets. Y'know what I mean? It’s… we don’t like get dinner or anything. But, the Disney Publishing department, separate from Disney Television, they’re really cool, and enthusiastic, and energized. And they wanna make new cool stuff. Um, so I think it’s possible I might be at D23 this year, and it’s possible I might be at Comic Con, but I don’t have anything confirmed yet.

Q: In the scene where Bill is trying to convince Ford to join him in the Fearamid, were there any other jokes or story beats that were considered? 

 A: Which episode specifically are you talking about? [Q: The We’ll Meet Again scene.] Yea yea yea, We had a– Every scene that you’ve ever seen in the show has a ton of ton of stuff we’ve thought of and had to cut for time or other reasons. Um, I remember there was definitely a version of that where Bill was a lot trickier. Like, he sort of more successfully lied to Ford about like: 'We’re actually going to make the world a better place. Though I present myself as this chaos lunatic that’s just my personality.' Like, 'here’s ways in which we’ll IMPROVE the universe.' 

Um, but it felt out of character. We thought it was much more like Bill to just draw smiley faces in oceans and eat the sun and just– hope, that the force of his charisma could convince Ford that that was a good idea. But uh, I feel like– I feel like Bill can be really really tricky when he wants to, but by the time Weirdmageddon showed up he’s so impatient, and he’s so convinced that he won, that he was no longer like, this brilliant chess master he used to be. He’s like, 'alright let’s do it! Do what I want or I’ll eat your face.’ Like, no more– No more, like– He wasn’t as smart a tactician as he used to be, y'know?

Q: Was “We’ll Meet Again” always the song you were going to use? 

A: Oh yeah, it had to be that. It was like… I think I’d just seen Dr. Strangelove recently around that time and it stuck in my head. It seems to me, if Bill has a taste in music, it would be, like, old timey music that ranges from either weird to obnoxious to obscure. 

Uh, Disney wanted me to cut it cuz it cost them a bunch of money to get the rights, even though it’s so old, it still cost them money to get the rights. And I just… said, please. Over and over and over again. I would send an e-mail that just said, 'please.’ And send another e-mail that said, 'please.’ And I would send another e-mail that said– Yeah. [laughs] Eventually I wore them down that they’re like, 'alright we’ll spend thousands of dollars.’ [laughs]

Q: Are real comics coming? 

 A: You want comics? Would you read Gravity Falls comics?
[Audience screams]
[Alex leans his ear forward]
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS]

A: It’s a terrifying noise isn’t it, Michael? I was at a… Gravity Falls gallery, and like, they didn’t tell us how many people would show up, and it was like, THAT noise echoing from every corner. And uh like, I think I lost a year of my life. My hair started going gray, and it was like, 'oh my god, this is too much love! It’s terrifying.' 

Comics. I would love to do Gravity Falls comics. Um, I have so many… One of the tough things about a half hour show like Gravity Falls is every now and then we think of an idea that we really liked, but it was too short for a half hour; 'oh that’s only five minutes of story’– Or it’s too specific and weird. And so I have tons and tons of ideas of the show that y'know we’d like to explore this character, we’d like to show this secret, this storyline. So, I’d love to do comics. But, that’s up to Disney Publishing, and I’m trying to convince them. So, hopefully, I’ll have something exciting to announce in not too long.

Q&A with Stan and Soos

Q: Is Dipper adorable or manly?  

Stan: Dipper smells like baby wipes. Even if I cut off all my shoulder hair, and taped it to him, he wouldn’t be 1/10th as manly I am.

Q: What would you do if Mabel told you she had a date to prom? 

Stan: I would… invite the gentleman over, have some coffee, tie him to a chair and interrogate him for 10 hours, and maybe throw him in the pit. [shrug] Hands off my neice, kid!

Q: What would happen if Soos met Giffany again? 

Soos: Oh yea, I recently downloaded this couple’s therapy sim? Uh, I think she and I would have to talk about our issues and pass around a conversation pillow, and really work out these struggles. Cuz she’s got some problems, dude.

Q: Soos, why are you so perfect? 

Soos: Yeah, uh, my grandma said that a whole bunch of doves flew down and formed the shape of a perfect angel over my crib. I dunno, dude I guess I was just born that way.

The White Dress.

This story is about my friends MIL, and her wedding. Strap in guys, this is a wild ride in which I did THE THING that got me banned from any of her family functions. (Plus a few threats of dismemberment and bodily harm)

A good friend of mine from university was getting married! They had been a couple since Junior year of college, through her 2 years in the peace corps and currently her return to this continent. 6 years in total. She had been to all manner of family functions and always came back with a strange story about how she thinks her MIL secretly hates her. But she being a very quiet and sweet person pushed those thoughts aside.

Point 1: She is vegetarian and jewish, husband is not. She was invited and went to Christmas dinner and figured she would just eat sides, as well she brought a vegetarian casserole. MIL, after knowing her for THREE years, and being told by husband a few weeks before about not to forget friend doesn’t eat meat…proceeded to put meat in every dish. Friend drank water and ate her casserole the whole night while MIL cried to everyone that friend was so rude for not eating her cooking.

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The night starts with a big, spicy Philly cheese steak. It’s about 6pm. I’ve been wanting to try the cheese steak from this corny, 50’s retro place for a long time. I gobble down the big greasy bowl of meat, hot sauce, and cheese, then head to the coffee shop for my weekly draw group. A little after I get home, about 10pm, a stomach ache comes on. “Damn, guess spicy foods are out.” I’ve been getting stomach aches every time I have spicy Thai or hot wings. I google search about spice pain- possible stomach ulcer? “I guess I have been stressed lately, but no more than usual I don’t think…” File under “Will investigate further later.“ According to the comments on this health website, a glass of milk will help. Gulp one down, go to bed.

Wrestle to sleep for about an hour. Realize the ache is just over the required pain threshold to keep you from sleeping. Do some work on my comic, more tired, but stomach worse. Will play batman until I fall asleep. I feel like I’m just running in circles… How many times have I failed this mission? Batman, batman, stomach now hurts too bad to enjoy an active task like video games. Deliriously tired. Would be great to sleep through the rest of this abdominal temper tantrum. Try the old “hot shower will make you sleep” trick. Take some Pepto-Bismol, and some generic acetaminophen. Out of the shower, hurts to walk around now, and to lie down. Guess I’ll have to wait it out with my eyes open. Call and leave my Doc a message, maybe will get a spot in there tomorrow. Need to get that ulcer discovered… Time to enjoy a passive task like watching TV. Breaking Bad feels like the right mixture of funny and painful, just like me and my burning spice belly. Damn, I can’t even enjoy that part where during Hank’s interrogation of that meth head, Wendy, she accuses Hank of trying to buy sexual services from her on behalf of an underage “football player” (a misunderstanding involving Walter Jr. from a few episodes before). Oh hell. Time to look up what time emergency medical clinics open. Guess I’ll have to pay out of pocket since I can’t wait for my Doc tomorrow.  It’s about 4am now. Earliest clinic opens at 8. Now hungry again, but can’t eat what with all the pain. One hour down. Man, this is really starting to hurt. Can I really wait 3 more hours? Sitting is starting to hurt as much as lying and standing. And I’m still not enjoying TV. Okay, I’ve come to a decision…. 

“Hey, Kayla, my stomach still hurts, I’m thinking about driving to the ER, do you wanna come?” “Oh! Ya, sure. What time is it?” “It’s 5:30”. I  call the hospital “Hey, I’ve had a pretty bad stomach ache all night, I’m thinking of coming by.” Operator: *long pause* “Haha, well, okay! We’re open all night, so just come on in.” 

Driving with a stomach ache is not so bad, because you’re already hunched over. Wish Kayla could drive, but she doesn’t really know how, probably would have a panic attack and would definitely crash. Interesting that they have ER parking, I wonder how many ER patients drive themselves here… All bodily positions hurt my insides now, signing in to this place sucks. Give Kayla half the paperwork to fill out, glad she’s here, or this would be really boring. Man, they sure take a long time for someone trying to get into an empty emergency room… Signing in with a nurse, she ask me my height and I say “ ‘5’’8”, but I notice she puts down “ ‘5’’7”… They want to look at my pee, they always want to see my pee. I pee, no blood, so whatever that tells them means I’m getting an ultrasound first. Then a young nurse named Ken, a cool Asian dude with screws through both ears, squirts so much morphine into my IV that I lean back and audibly say “oh my god.” I feel it ripple like a shock wave from my arm down to the ends of my body. My belly is feeling alright now. 

The ultrasound technician tells me that babies are the least common thing she uses ultrasounds for. My joke has fallen flat. Back in the room, the doctor and his manila folder tell me “Good news! No gallstones, there are kidney stones inside your kidneys, but since they are inside, you shouldn’t be feeling the pain from those.” “Wait, does that mean I have to pee those stones out at some poin–” It is not discussed again. Seeing that neither organ has the appropriate stones, Doc would “rather not expose me to more radiation than necessary” and is working on discharging me. But, “I won’t leave here without a diagnosis.” 

In I go to the CT scan tube. That hot squish of contrast dye spreading through my veins. “Okay, we’re moving you into a room upstairs.” Says a hippy technician. Upstairs in my sweet and swanky single with couch, a person I’m pretty sure is just a businessman disguised in medical scrubs types on a computer. He takes down my answers to what seem like pre-surgery questions. “Do you have anybody specific on file in the event you are medically unable to yield consent  for yourself?” This, combined fact that they won’t feed me, makes me wonder what it is I’m going into surgery for. I saw this same thing about a year and a half ago with the whole brain debacle, but that’s a story for another time. Several medical people dip in, sprinkle breadcrumbs of information; it’s like a game show challenge that combines a scavenger hunt with a jigsaw puzzle. You have to gather the pieces of information from their hiding places, then assemble them in the correct order to reveal an answer. A tech comes in and spoils the game, “You seem to have a lot of questions, so I just want to make sure, you know you have appendicitis right? We’re about to take it out.” “Thank god,” I think. “It’s not the spicy foods. Spicy foods are still in.” Downstairs, in pre-op, I complain to my plain-clothes surgeon about how analog tests like pressing on my stomach are remarkably inaccurate, since a doctor’s subjective interpretation of my poor description of say, “the pain is slightly higher” can rule out appendicitis, the same appendicitis that a machine might spot an hour later. I tell him that I almost got sent home. My surgeon tells me he’s been doing analogue tests for 30 years, and not to worry about it. I start to tell him how “my deadpan reaction to pain also causes a lot of people to misdiagnose me, that a lot of people laugh when I describe how I’m in pai–”, but he walks away in the middle to get dressed for surgery. The operating room has big TVs and lights, it looks like a set, and I consider the possibility of fake hospitals as the anesthesia takes the wheel.

In the recovery area, the nurse tells me how big, inflamed appendixes can be agitated by spicy foods, foods high in fat, and dense foods like heavy cheese. I see an image of a spotlit cheese steak appear in a black void. Nurse feeds me ice chips and tells me she craves ice chips when she’s dehydrated. I suggest that she only craves ice chips because she works in a hospital, that ice chips are too unsatisfying a thing to crave at random, and that most people would just crave water. She agrees. Back upstairs in my room, it is now 8pm, and it has been 26 hours since I’ve eaten. I’ve been hydrated only through IV’s. The driest mouth and the clearest pee. Because the lingering anesthetic can cause nausea and vomiting, they will only give me jello. I go nuts on the jello. They continue to give me every jello I ask for, one at a time, like a test. Way past where I though the cutoff point would be, the nurse tells me “That’s it! There’s no more jello! You ate all the jello on this floor.” You’re damn right I did, you’re damn right….

Y’all I Think I Got Sonic Forces Figured Out

Okay so I know we are all over the moon about the trailers and game play videos that we have gotten these past few days, but I honestly think that we have been glaring over a pretty CRUCIAL detail from the classic sonic game play video 

Think about what we have heard from the Sega Officials, this is not a Sonic Generations sequel. But how can this be if classic sonic is in the game? How are Sonic’s past enemies here alive and ready to fight? How is it not akin to generations if classic Sonic is alive and here?

But what is he isn’t?

What if this classic sonic isn’t the one from generations at all? But instead, from another dimension? Now I suppose Dr. Eggman may just be referring ro another state of time, but I don’t think the connection stops there. For the most obvious question, how in the WORLD did Eggman take over the world without Sonic to stop him? Its the focus of the game but H O W? In colors, generations and lost world. sonic had made stabs at Eggman claiming “Its like its his job to stop him” because, well? It is. Eggman knows this. He knows it far too well. In generations he went back in time to try to right his wrongs, to redo his errors and end Sonic but time and time again it didn’t happen. So what if Dr.Eggman instead decided to look beyond his world, to another dimension, with another Eggman? But why stop there? Why not bring forth a dimension where Sonic failed? Not only that, but a universe where Chaos destroyed Station Square. A world where Metal Sonic won the race on Starlight Speedway. A world where Shadow never helped to defeat the bio-lizard. A world where the deadly six drained the world of its life? This would explain why Shadow has suddenly switched over to the dark side, why Metal Sonic is still functional, why Zavok is alive and why Chaos is in his earlier forms before he became perfect chaos. 

 Of course, like the Time Eater, Eggman wouldn’t be able to do this on his own, as we have seen with our new villain: 

Now as menacing as he appears, these cubes are so….out of place. It’s strange on why he has all these cubes, and why the trailer makes them look as dramatic as it can. Showing our new villain SURROUNDED by them and then ending the trailer with him hurling them at you. It’s odd. So what are they if the cubes are so important? Well to put it simply,

They’re different dimensions 

Whoever this guy is, he is in control of countless dimensions, more than enough to combine and design a whole new terrible reality. A whole new HORRIFIC dimension, where Sonic has failed, and Eggman reigns supreme. What is the name of this devious villain?

INFINITE 

As in..Infinite worlds?

The clues are right in front of us, and all we had to do was pay attention. The trailer certainly wants to get the point across

Now, I may be jumping the gun on this one, with my head of fan fiction type ideals, and perhaps this new villain will just be connected to whoever you create as your own character, (either it be an evil twin or something like that) but who would want to do this? Who would want to bring total destruction onto a world full of peaceful people? Who would want to see the world burn and fall apart right before their eyes because of their wrong doings? Who would want to see people of the resistance fail hopelessly, desperate to save their once beautiful world? Who would want to team up with Eggman to decimate the world? Who hates Sonic so much that he would want nothing more than to force him to watch as his legacy, friends,home,universe fall apart? WHO IS INFINITE? Well I may be wrong, but there’s only one person who can and will

From the timeline that was erased. From the universe you reversed in Sonic 06. From the world you fought so hard to save and redo, rewriting reality so you could get the happy ending. 

Now, its his turn 

On a side note, Sonic Team knows that sonic 06 was a disaster, and make reference to it in the Sonic story episode in Lego Dimensions. Pretty coincidental or foreshadowing? Some other things we can consider as well could be that in 2012 we first heard rumors of a Sonic game called “Sonic Dimensions” The rumor said that we would be traveling to other universes with different color Sonics that had their own personality. My personal favorite, is a promise of a boss fight of an evil Amy Rose, wishing for Sonic’s pain rather than love. Now the rumor as we know now is false and was debunked and this could very well be a coincidence. However, this rumor broke out in 2012, a year or so after Generations and 1 year before Lost world released in 2013. I think we can safely say that Lost world was at the very least in early stages of production during or sometime after Generations especially with its ambitious game play style. It would have taken more than 2 years to make, with the game play style and everything else. This means, Sonic Forces could had possibly be in the early stages of development a little before Lost World, playing on the idea of different universes.I think it’s also possible that Sonic Forces may had been delayed at some point because of Sonic Boom’s games and tv show, since its not being advertised at the 25th anniversary game. Also is a pleasant time to remember that this happened:

Due to Gravity Falls’s more dark story telling, I think its safe to assume that Alex had some kind of influence on Sonic Forces’s story. Either way, 

We are in for a long deserved fantastic Sonic Game my friends. 

Not All Men

“Not all men are rapists,” my Dad would grunt as he scrolled through his friends’ Facebook profiles and read the articles about sexual assault they’d posted.

“Not all men are abusive,” my Dad would mutter as he did research to disprove the domestic violence statistics that bothered him so much.

“Not all men are like him,” I’d mouth to myself, as Dad threw Mom across the room for having the temerity to contradict something he’d said.

After hurting her one night, he came to my room a few hours later. “You’re a sweet boy,” he told me. “I know you’d never harm a woman, no matter how much she deserved it. Not all men are like me. You don’t have a temper.”

I did have a temper, though. And I seethed.

Years later, I left for college an angry, confused young man.

Keep reading

Wonder Woman spoilers. Hit J to skip. 

Got into a discussion about the implication that Diana finding love with a man was what saved the day and I thought I should go ahead and bring it over here. 

I can see the argument being made here. Diana has been around women all her life. That suddenly a man, and more specifically sex with a man, changes her and makes her a hero. That hetero-sex is what saves the day. 

I have a couple objections to this theory, but let me start by saying I can see why you would feel that way, particularly for those of you who are lesbians. I don’t, and I recognize it’s largely because of who I am and my own views.

What I won’t agree with is the implication that Amazons are all straight. It’s just not true. When Antiope was killed, three women came to her side- her sister, Diana, and a third grief-sticken and screaming who got the camera’s attention for an extended shot even though nobody knew who she was. That was her wife. Fight me. 

Additionally, when Steve and Diana are having their boat sex talk, she says she knows of sex. She knows the pleasures of the flesh. Men are unnecessary for pleasure. She’s either talking about lady love or masturbation (both of which are still pretty taboo to talk about as women today let alone in 1918). I choose to believe it’s the former. She’s had at least one Amazon lover in the comics- Mala in Earth One. 

On to my objections:

Diana’s not a lesbian. She’s bisexual. Bisexuals are allowed to love men. We’re allowed to like men. Steve Trevor, whether romantic or platonic, is a big part of Wonder Woman’s story. He is the Lois to Diana’s Superman. For those of you who say Steve was too much or Steve was intolerable or the het love story ruined it, I ask you to accept that you might have some biases based in your preference for a queer Diana who doesn’t like men. Again, I understand why you feel that way, especially for those of you who are lesbians. But to constantly hear ‘het love’ and ‘het sex’ is annoying at best and erasure at worst. Diana is bisexual. She is queer. Of course I’d like it to be more explicit in the movies, whether through her expressing attraction to women or outright saying it, but the point still stands. This is the most powerful canonically queer character in media. 

Nothing she does is heterosexual. 

Another point is about the love saves the day. It wasn’t just Steve’s love. It wasn’t just Diana’s love for Steve. (And yes, I can see why it might seem rushed, especially for those who aren’t aware of the “Diana’s Lois” history of the ship, but how often do we see the woman falling head over heels for the hero of other movies and why can’t we allow the script to be flipped here? Steve Trevor is very much a counter to most macho action movie stars full of toxic masculinity which is a whole post on its own.)

Love saved the day, but it wasn’t just romantic love. It certainly wasn’t just sexual love. It was also platonic love between the men themselves. When she sees the men embracing each other in the face of certain death, what does she see?

She sees three men who could have gone home when the money ran out. Three men who continued into a suicide mission, following Steve because they loved him too. When Steve gave them the option to go home, they say “she can handle herself, but what would you do without us?” They follow him because they love him. They’d deny it, of course, but it’s there. That brotherhood. She sees that. She recognizes it from the way the Amazons loved those they fought with. That’s how she recognizes that there is good in men. That’s why she believes they can choose good. They aren’t fighting for the anger and the bloodshed. They are fighting because they love. 

Just like she does. 

Shortly after the overdose, Bob decided to tell Jack the story of why he really got put in the Stanley Cup as a baby.  It was Bob’s way of thanking the cup.

“After I won my first cup,” he told Jack, “I realized I’d achieved my dream, and I had married this amazing woman, but something still felt like it was missing.  I wanted to be a father.”  He told Jack how he and Alicia had tried to have a baby, but it just wasn’t happening.  As the months dragged on with more of the same, they started to get worried.  

“And even when you were worrying you’d never truly be happy you managed to win the cup again, yeah?  That’s the moral of the story?” Jack snapped.  Bob shook his head, reached out to run a hand over Jack’s back, like he could smooth down his son’s frayed nerves.  

“Non, non, non, that would be a terrible moral.  Actually my stats were worse that year than when I was a rookie.  But my team was incredible, and we made it to the cup again.  And here’s where the story gets good, you see, because I’d heard all kinds of wild legends through the league about ‘cup magic’ and how sometimes it would grant wishes”

“Or turn you into a fucking penguin,” Jack scoffed.

“Well I was playing for the Canadiens at the time, so I suppose there wasn’t much risk involved, but there was a whole lot of desperate hope.So on my cup day, after everyone else left, I sat down and had a chat with it,” he gestures to the table they’re sitting at.  “Right at this kitchen table.”

“Please tell me that’s the only part of this story that happened at this table,” Jack groaned.  Bob laughed.

This story, yes.”

“Papaaaa,”  Jack picked up his bowl of cereal and pointedly continued eating without letting his food touch the table.

“Oh for God’s sake, Jack, this table has been cleaned many times since, put your food down for a bit, I’m trying to have a moment with you here.”

“Alright, alright, fine.”  Jack obediently set the bowl aside and faced his father.

“As I was saying…” Bob cleared his throat.  “I talked to the cup.  I told it I didn’t care if I ever won it again.  All I wanted was a son.  If it would give me that, I promised, I wouldn’t ask to win so much as a faceoff for the rest of my life.  And I promised that I would love my son - that I would love you - unconditionally, more than anything in the world.”

“And you won a fuckton more awards anyway.”

“But,” Bob countered, “I didn’t win the cup again until after you were born when I was with the Pens.  And so when your mother brought you onto the ice to see me, I wanted us to put you in the cup, but it wasn’t supposed to pass along some kind of hockey magic and ensure the Zimmermann dynasty or whatever the fuck ESPN likes to say, alright?  We did it as a thank you.  We wanted the cup to see what a beautiful baby we had, and to feel how incredibly loved you were.”  Bob ran a hand over Jack’s newly-cropped hair, feeling the strands against his palm, almost as soft as when he used to sit next to Bob in his high chair smashing banana all over the tray.  “I kept my promise too,”  Bob said.  “I love you.  Unconditionally.  More than anything in the world.  And your mother and I just want to help you be happy, whatever that looks like.”  He smiled warmly at his son, letting all the pride he usually kept a lid on to keep from embarrassing Jack bubble up to the surface.  Jack looked down at his hands.

“How can you not be disappointed?  Look at me.”  Jack’s shoulders hunched in, shrinking him down, and Bob pressed his hand between Jack’s shoulder blades, rubbing circles in the way that always used to put him right to sleep as a child.

“I will always be proud of you, hockey or no.  Because you know what?”  Jack chanced a glance up at his father’s face and was held by his earnest expression.  “Winning the Stanley Cup isn’t even in my top hundred favorite memories anymore.  All of my best memories are with you and your mother.”  Jack didn’t say anything in response, and Bob was learning when to give him space to process, so he stood up, bending back down to kiss his son’s forehead as he snagged the now-soggy bowl of raisin bran from in front of him.

It took a few days for Bob to get a real response from Jack, and in the meantime he just left everything to percolate.  And then one night, Bob just couldn’t seem to fall asleep.  His knee wasn’t quite hurting, but it was on that edge where it just didn’t feel settled, and Alicia had been snoring, and at the back of his head he could feel some kind of humming, like he could feel the tense air in Jack’s room.  He’d gotten himself all worked up mulling that last one over until he had to get out of bed.  He stood in front of Jack’s bedroom door, looking at the light peeking out from below the doorjamb for minutes, listening to the sounds of floorboards creaking occasionally, pages rustling, a keyboard clacking.  After he’d gotten enough of the sounds of Jack just existing on the other side of the door to calm his racing heart, he went to the living room.  

He settled into the couch with a box of crackers and a nature documentary when he heard footsteps creaking on the stairs.  At first, he was expecting Alicia coming to call him back to bed, but the footfalls were too loud for her.  Bob tried not to look surprised when Jack rounded the corner, keeping his eyes carefully trained on Animal Planet.  He held up the crackers in greeting.

“Joining your old man for a midnight snack, eh?”

“Oh.  Um, sure.”  Jack padded over to the couch and made himself comfortable next to Bob, pulling down the afghan from the back of the sofa.  They stare at the TV in silence for a long while before Jack speaks up again, quietly.  “Papa?”

“Yes?”

“So…what exactly was better than winning the cup?”

Our Little Secret-Part One

Summary: After a hunt and quite a few drinks the boys learn that you aren’t as ‘experienced’ in one department as they thought you were. Dean thinks he can rectify that

Series Masterlist

Characters: Dean, Sam, Reader

Pairings: Dean x Reader

Square Filled/Kink: Oral Fixation for @spnkinkbingo

Word Count: 4700

Warnings: Smut, oral (male and female receiving), insecure reader, language

A/N: Thank you so much for reading. This is the first part of what I hope is a lengthy and smutty series. Any feedback is always appreciated. This is also for @emilywritesaboutdean and @wheresthekillswitch ‘s Do It Like TFW Challenge (The gif is near the bottom)

A thank you to my beta @ayeronda for betaing at an ungodly hour and being so wonderful.


It’s been a long ass day and an even longer hunt. You were more than happy to be sitting on Dean’s bed in the boys’ motel room, sipping on your second, or maybe it is the third beer. And that was just here, it wasn’t counting the four or five shots you had had down at the bar. So now you were here and Sam was riding Dean hard about his strikeout at the bar.

“Dude, you were never going home with her.”

“She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.”

You can’t help but chuckle, “What? Two whole minutes?”

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Manners (Jimin smut)

Originally posted by kookiyoon

Description: Jimin is your best friend’s roommate, and to say you get on each other’s nerves would be an understatement. Jimin decides it is his mission to teach you some ‘manners’.

This fic includes: Explicit smut, ‘good girl’ term, dominance games, hate love type dynamic, light spanking, ‘teaching of manners’ lmfaoo

Genre: Smut

Pairing: Jimin x You (ft Yoongi and Taehyung)

Word count: 4.5k

You lazily played a game on Yoongi’s phone, your eyes peering up every now and then to look at the TV screen, displaying a movie utterly boring to you. You let out an unintentional sigh; you were considering getting up to scour for food.

“Why are you here if you’re so bored?” Jimin asked from the other side of Yoongi, whose lap your head lay upon. You sat up to match Jimin’s glare.

“Jimin.” You heard Yoongi scold under his breath. Deciding not to waste your energy, you ignored Jimin and got up to search through their fridge. Yoongi thought you couldn’t hear him once you were in the kitchen, and you barely could, but his low and deep voice rung through the practically silent dorm “I’m so sick of you being such a dick to Y/N. Go say sorry.”

“What?” Jimin laughed. “I’m not a child.”

“Jimin.” Yoongi’s voice was so stern you got goose bumps.

“Whatever.” Jimin mumbled, his light footsteps approaching the kitchen. You quickly stuffed your head in the fridge, acting like you were very busy. When you looked up, closing the fridge door with a muffin in your hand, Jimin is leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest and a subtle frown on his face. 

“Yes?”

“I’m glad you’re making yourself at home.” Jimin says, his eyes pointing at the treat in your hands. You smile tauntingly, not breaking eye contact as you take an excessively big bite.

“Thanks.” You mumble through your full mouth.

“Gosh, did no one ever teach you manners?” He asks with a serious expression.

Keep reading

How They Act When You’re On Your Period (Avengers Preference)

Sorry I haven’t been around lately guys!! I’m hoping to start being more active again! Hope you guys like this and it begins to make up for my months of inactivity! I’ve had this request for a while so I hope y’all like it!

~~~

Tony Stark:

He buys you everything you could want, and more. The first time you ask him to go to the store for you he comes back with every single piece of chocolate he could find at Duane Reade and about ten different boxes of pads and tampons. He also has a new heating pad and your favorite take out. When he’s done putting everything away (he insisted on doing it himself while you tried out the new heating pad), he lays next to you on the couch, pulling you close and kissing the top of your head. You thought he couldn’t get any more perfect until he finally ques up your favorite romcom without you having to say a word.

Steve Rogers:

Steve is sort of embarrassed at first. Back in his day this kind of thing wasn’t exactly talked about, especially not with scrawny ol’ him. So the first time you ask him to go out and grab you a few things he turns so red, you swear you can see his chest flush beneath his white cotton t-shirt. After he stutters for a few seconds and tears start welling in your eyes because you are just way too hormonal right now, Steve runs out of your apartment only to return a few minutes later with your favorite chocolate, your exact brand of tampons/pads, your favorite movie, and a cute teddy bear wearing a captain america outfit. He lays with you for the rest of the day, holding you close and rubbing your stomach as he spoons you on the couch, all forgiven.

Bucky Barnes:

Bucky takes it in stride. Much like Steve, he wasn’t exactly used to talking about this kind of thing, but as soon as you tell him you need him he’s there to do whatever you ask. He makes you breakfast in bed. He runs to the store to get you chocolate. He even goes to the store to get you tampons/pads (making sure he has your preferred brand and type written down). When he takes a while to come back he tells you he had to ask for help from a store employee. And whenever he gets back he spends the rest of the day holding you in his lap as he holds a heating pad to your stomach and whispers how much he loves you into your ear.

Bruce Banner:

He stutters a little in the beginning when you first bring it up. He’s used to this type of thing, but only from a doctor standpoint. He goes and gets you what you need, but he also asks you questions that you would normally only hear from your doctor, making you blush as much as he had earlier. After he agrees never to ask you those questions again, you both go to lay in his room as he brushes his hand through your hair and reads you your favorite book. You spend the rest of the day curled up in one of Bruce’s big knit sweaters, drifting in and out of sleep, with a cup of your favorite tea sitting on the bedside. 

Clint Barton:

He invites you up to his little nest. He fills it with your favorite blankets from the Tower (he even gets rid of the old ratty one you hate for the few days you’re up there), and has a stash of your favorite chocolate. He makes sure everyone knows not to bother you for the next few days as you just laze around and curl up together. Clint spends the whole time reading you your favorite books and telling you stories about his more memorable missions. He just wants to make sure you’re comfortable because he knows how tough you are and if this is causing you pain it must be rough. 

Pietro Maximoff:

Pietro spends the few days running around town and getting you whatever you want. Chocolate, tampons/pads, your favorite take out, flowers, he even runs out and gets you that new shirt you’ve been eyeing in the H&M window for about a week now. By the time he’s done running around all you want is for him to come and cuddle with you in bed. And that’s exactly what he does, after running around the tower to grab your favorite blankets, junk food, and turn on your favorite movie. Pietro wants you to feel like a princess because that’s exactly what you are to him. 

Thor Odinson:

He is so sympathetic. He buries you in a mountain of blankets and curls up with you, holding you close. He let’s you wear his huge sweaters that smell just like him, and he even lets you use his cape like a blanket. He offers to go to the store for you, but you know exactly how that would turn out so instead you ask if he can just make it storm outside, letting you two have the perfect lazy day inside. As the thunder rolls outside the window and the rain patters against the roof, Thor rubs soothing circles on your back as he tells you stories of the nine realms and his adventures back in Asgard. 

Loki Laufeyson:

He is kind of confused at first. He asks if this ailment is something he can fix with magic but you vehemently tell him no, not wanting to risk whatever consequences may arise. Eventually Loki realizes all he can do is be there for you so that’s exactly what he does. He lounges around with you all day, making you tea and reciting poetry to you while you lay in bed. He offers to go to the store for you and you instantly regret it when he comes back with adult diapers (”the package looks the same!”). You can’t stay mad though when he holds up a bag of your favorite junk food and let’s you wear his cape for the rest of the day as you two pig out and watch your favorite cheesy romcoms. 

Sam Wilson:

Sam stays in bed with you all day long. He holds you close and gives you all the covers. He even blows off Steve when Steve comes around asking for a training partner. He wants to make sure you know that he’s there for you in your time of need and nothing is going to make him leave your side (unless of course you need him to go to the store for you). He’ll even run you a hot bath in the evening with your favorite candle lit on the counter and your favorite spotify playlist humming quietly in the background. The other guys on the team may call him whipped, but he knows how to treat the love of his life right. 

Scott Lang:

He likes to joke around but when you give him that look he totally understands. He builds you a giant pillow fort in the living room and wraps you up in your favorite blanket, handing you a warm tea and piling up all of your favorite junk foods in the corner of the fort before turning on your favorite princess movie. He’ll hold you until you doze off before he sneaks out to the store to grab you what you need. He’s back before you wake up and holds you close the rest of the day, cracking jokes every so often. Before you doze off again, he tells you how thankful he is that you’re going to be around when Cassie goes through all this, but you reassure him that he would be fine.

T’Challa:

He spends the few days you’re on your period treating you like a queen. He has servants attending to your every need, and you never even have to change out out of your pj’s. And while he may have to attend to a few meetings, he makes sure that he’s able to be with you as much as possible. When the meetings are over the phone he lets you sit in his office with him, setting you in his lap and rubbing his hands up and down your back. When he’s not busy with meetings or training, T’Challa spends the day in bed with you, holding you close and keeping you warm. He also brings you cute little gifts like flowers he picked himself from the jungle, beautiful jewelry made of the stones found in the Wakandan mines, and he even brings you a kitten to keep you company when he has to be away. 


~~~

Hope y’all liked it!

Imagine and Preference requests are OPEN! (Still no ships)

What’s up, it’s Alexei!

When Ngozi posted this picture yesterday of young post-draft Tater “trying his darnedest to answer press questions in English,” I thought, “You know, I could make a play fic out of that.” Which is what led to the following 2700+ words about Tater and his ESL tutor.

Many, many thanks to @ktheunready for being my Russian authenticity consultant and beta!


Georgia Martin stood at the back of the media scrum and watched Alexei Mashkov stumble his way through his post-draft interview, saw the way his fingers kneaded the brim of the brand-new Falconers’ cap he’d been handed for the initial official photos, saw the way his eyes widened and stayed intently glued to whoever was asking him a question, like he was afraid he’d miss some key bit of meaning if he blinked.

She pulled out her phone and made a call.

***

«No, Mama, I promise, my room is very nice. The family is very nice. Everything is very…»

«Let me guess, nice? »

Alexei sighed. «Yes.»

«You know I don’t doubt you, right, Alyosha? I’m not worried you can’t do this. You will be fine. But I know this is your first time to live in another country, with none of the boys from your teams here. It can be… hard, sometimes. I know.»

«Yeah, Mama, I know. You told me.»

«Are you telling me you’ve heard the stories of my youth too many times?» she asked in mock outrage.

«No, no!» he laughed. «Of course not.»

«Good. I should think not.» He could picture her face exactly, and it made him smile. «I’m glad your host family seems nice, Alyosha. I’m sure you will have many friends in no time.»

He flopped back on the bed again and stared at the ceiling. «I hope so.»

«We’ll talk again soon. Love you, son.»

«Love you, too.»

He hung up and let his phone rest on his chest. He’d been to America before. He’d thought he’d known what it would be like, that it wouldn’t be so bad. Different, yes, but there would be so many interesting new things to see, and new teammates, and he certainly knew how to play hockey. What he had failed to take into account, apparently, was how exhausting it was to try to function in English all day. For a US hockey team, the Falconers’ roster was shockingly low on Russian players, so his host family was one of the French Canadian ones. To their credit, they did speak some Russian, but it was hardly enough to have a real conversation. Alexei felt like he’d been practically mute all day.

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anonymous asked:

dark rc would you please consider writing about how victor (and the rest of the Russian skate team) had a feud with the Russian hockey team bc of their constant flirting and attentions towards yuuri (who was completely oblivious at the war waging for his heart)??

This has been sitting in my inbox for over a month and I apologize for that, nonny! I wanted to try my hand at breaking through this writer’s block and this prompt was ripe for the taking. It’s not my best work by any stretch, but it’s something at least! I hope you enjoy.

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There are few things that give Yuri pleasure—the taste of accomplishment like cinnamon sugar on the back of his tongue after landing a quad; having a comeback so cutting that he practically draws blood; that soft murrf a cat makes when it decides it trusts him; the little green screenshot arrow appearing next to Otabek’s name in Snapchat—but they all pale in comparison to whenever the Russian hockey team visits the rink.

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Dean’s Plaid

Summary: You and Dean do NOT get along. Until the night that you do.

Warning: smut, anger sex

Word Count: 3200

A/N: Hope y’all enjoy some Dean smut! XOXO

There are two things in the world you really hate: plaid and Dean Winchester.

There are plenty of things that you don’t like, that irritate and annoy you, that you’d rather not deal with. But those are the only two things you actively hate. A store with a window display of plaid clothing is enough to get your blood boiling these days. And Dean? Well, you make sure you never think of Dean. That just tailspins your world into a mess of violent anger for days before it wears off.

So the fact that you are currently wearing one of Dean Winchester’s plaid shirts, listening to him hum along with the radio as he drives you to his motel?

Yeah. You’re gonna need something to kill.

Or you could just kill Dean.

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A thieving roommate and a "haunted" Xbox.

Warning:Long, but totally worth it!

During freshman year of college I roomed with my cousin and our friend Dan. The three of us happened to be quite the marijuana enthusiasts and enjoyed smoking…a lot. As great a luxury cannabis is, it wasn’t cheap, especially to three college kids. So naturally, when we wanted to smoke together we’d all chip in an equal sized nug so no one ended up getting short-changed and to obviously save a little cash here and there. As time went on, Dan began to run out of money due to his constant smoking. No money=no weed. So what went from rolling a spliffs everyday suddenly became smashing bowls and scraping resin off the shards of glass and mixing it with tobacco to get high. In our very small and cramped room, I had a mason jar filled with a baggie of my weed hidden in a spot that NO ONE (I thought) knew about. After class one day, I wanted to sit back and enjoy a smoke when I pulled my stash out of the hiding spot to find that the weed was missing. Instantly, I knew Dan did the dirty deed. My cousin wasn’t struggling too bad financially at the time so it couldn’t have been him. But before I pointed any fingers, I decided to wait it out and be 100% positive.

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Shapely🍑

Summary: Bucky and Steve will never let you know that they’re the heads of your booty’s fanclub.

Authors note: It was so hard to find old timey slang for butt. Like we have so many words now I was surprised lmao.

Warnings: None, Bucky and Steve appreciating that cake


  Your jeans only make it halfway up your thighs before they refuse to budge. You groan.

‘And this was my favorite pair too’

You sigh, before peeling off the jeans and rooting around in your dresser for something that you can wear. You never were the skinniest person, especially when it came to your hips and thighs. But then again you never were exactly bootylicious either. So when you became a SHEILD agent you thought your body would kinda slim down into a  svelte mass of lean, toned muscle like the other female agents.

 Boy were you wrong. 

You gained muscle, and a lot of it too. Every single inch of you had at least some definition and your thighs had bulked up considerably. As for your butt….You sneak a peek at it in the mirror ‘I swear it gets bigger every day’ . Since you had joined the Avengers last year and your training had gotten even more intense you swear your booty had doubled in size. Your body was very… in your face nowadays. Wanda kindly described you as ‘shapely’. You pull out a pair of denim shorts that have some slight stretch to them.

You look at yourself in the mirror sighing. ‘ If I get anymore shapely I’m gonna have to buy an entire new wardrobe.’ 


“Pal, why is ya oatmeal always so…” Steve makes a face “…Soggy?”

Bucky and Steve are sitting eating breakfast, at a table that’s situated slightly back and across from the kitchen, next to an open door. Bucky snorts.

“It’s oatmeal Steve, it’s supposed to be soggy.” Steve rolls his eyes but takes another bite of his oatmeal, making a mental note to make breakfast himself the next morning.

Bucky lets out a soft, low whistle. Steve turns his his head, slowly. He knows what that whistle means. He watches as you enter from the other side of the room, cross the kitchen and start rifling in the cabinets. Or rather he watches your ass cross the kitchen and start rifling in the cupboards. You Steve, and Bucky were pretty good friends. You had surprisingly befriended Bucky first, and then Steve. Bucky had been making a good recovery, but was still kind of shy, except around Steve and Sam, and then you. Your sense of humor and openness kind of disarmed him. The three of you would always hang out, watch movies, and talk about anything and everything. But the one thing that Bucky and Steve would never mention is that they both agreed that you by far had the best body they had ever seen. And they were low-key its fan club. The super soldier’s eyes track you as you gather your cup of tea and cheese danish in one hand and exit the room.

“Now ain’t that a beautiful sight to see in the morning?” Bucky says, smirking and sipping his coffee. 

“Yes,” Steve smirks back “As I always say,the lady is truly blessed.”

“Amen.” Bucky says raising his coffee mug. “I mean have you ever seen such beautiful gams on a dame?”

“No,”  Steve pushes back his bowl of soggy oatmeal and crosses his arms over his chest. A devious grin forms on his face. “But that’s not the only thing that’s beautiful.”

Bucky’s grin widens to epic shit eating proportions. “True, Y/N’s a bit broad in the beam, ain’t she?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 Your voice coming from behind them nearly stops both super soldier’s hearts. They turn, mouths slack, to find you standing in the doorway behind their table, tea and cheese danish in one hand, the other perched on your hip.

“Ah-um-I-um” Steve splutters, unable to form words. Bucky, on the other hand, decides distraction is the best course of action.

“Y/N! Sugar, sweetheart, you look lovely today. How’s that cheese danish? I heard the weather’s going to be nice , maybe we should go to the park?” He exclaims, red slowly creeping up his neck until his whole face is scarlet. You silently look from Steve to Bucky. ‘Well if they’re not gonna spill, Google will’

You pull out your phone and look at it. “Well looks like I have somewhere to be so I’ll see you boys later.”

You turn, hearing twin goodbye’s being called out after you, with at least one voice cracking in the middle.


You retreat back your room and fire up your laptop. Bucky and Steve were always using obscure old timey slang that no one understood. ‘they better haven’t been throwing shade…’ you shake your head. It seemed like they were talking about something physical about you, and not in a bad way. You feel warm and kind of insecure at the same time. You couldn’t deny that the two super soldiers were very attractive.

You open google and type “gams meaning” into the search engine.


gam

/ɡam/

noun,informal

plural noun: gams

  1. a leg, especially in reference to the shapeliness of a woman’s leg.

A giggle escapes your mouth. ‘oh my’ you think.

You type the next phrase into Google, and click on the phrase dictionary that comes up.


Broad in the beam

Meaning:

Having wide hips or buttocks


You stare at the screen for a moment and then  recall the overheard conversation. Your mouth falls open as you choke out a laugh ‘Oh my god’


Later that day you find Bucky,Steve and Sam sitting outside. You join them, and they all greet you, but you notice Bucky isn’t looking you in the eye and Steve’s ears are pink. Sam doesn’t seem to notice the tension and dives into a story about sweeping a girl off her feet in the local coffee shop.

“…then she gave me her number.”

“That’s great!” Steve says “You gonna take her out soon?”

“Yeah this weekend”

“That is great,” Bucky smiles “What does she look like?” he asks curiously.

“Man she had the cutest laugh, and those dimples…” Sam pauses, smiling to himself. “She had short dark hair, and was so curvy…..like damn.” Everyone chuckles a bit at this, and after the chuckles stop you pipe up.

“Curvy? Sam get with the times, you don’t call women curvy anymore, its called being broad in the beam.” You say and smirk at the two super soldiers. They promptly turn bright red, Bucky choking a little bit. Sam whips his head back and forth between the three of you.

“Am I missing something?” he asks.

 Steve clears his throat, holding out his hands imploringly.

“Y/n, sugar, listen. I can explain”


tags: @stephie-senpai @chamongangae

@iamwarrenspeace
Suga Daddy: Part 8

Suga Daddy: 8

Word count: 8.3k

Genre/Warnings: angst, dirty talk, language 

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Summary: Yoongi tells you about his past but is terrified of how you’ll take it.

This came a little early than expected. Anyway, enjoy and thanks for reading.

Parts: {playlist} one | two | three | four | five | six | seven 

Everything felt like it was playing out and slow-motion and all you were doing was twirling the flowers in your hand. You were nauseated and your mind was racing with every possible scenario. You knew that Yoongi couldn’t have a squeaky clean record. Especially with his attitude and the way he talked to you sometimes. For some reason you still loved him, despite that.

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