can you do a retelling of the myth of persephone/proserpina/not persepolis/proroosoeprrpg? you could just call her persephone though w.e xx
Here is the myth of Not Persepolis. Those of you who want to skip a myth about the underworld getting a dandy makeover should press J on your keyboard now as this is quite a long post. I have no idea why you would want to skip such a bitchin’ story, though.
Salient historical / literary info is to be found under the Read More, as always. There is a trigger warning for discussion of rape in this Read More.
Nice Guy Hades and Persephone Do Interior Design in Hell
A long time ago, in a quaint little town called Ancient Greece, there lived a goddess named Demeter, who is honestly only a supporting character in this whole saga, but is as good a place to start as any. Basically, Demeter is the goddess of the harvest, which sounds like the lamest thing ever to have on your CV, but when you think about it, it has some definite elements of radness. She’s not just your average Farmer Joe with two wives and a kid, she actually controls all the seasons and shit. All those times you’ve got your hair done and walked outside and immediately got pissed on by rain with the fury of a thousand marathon runners? Blame Demeter. Anyway, Demeter has a smokin’ hot daughter named Persephone, because Greek gods didn’t give two flying fucks about making names easy to type in a hurry, and Demeter and Persephone are totally cool with each other. Like, they’re basically Regina George and her mother in Mean Girls, but if Regina George’s father was also her uncle and her mother was also her aunt, because Greek gods also didn’t give two flying fucks about family trees that more closely resembled family circles.
Anyway, one day, Persephone is frolicking around in the lush green meadows of her earthy home, when suddenly this massive black chariot pulls up alongside her and this pale dude leans out of one of the windows and he’s wearing a fedora and sunglasses and a black tank top and he’s got this tattoo on his left bicep that says ‘DEATH: NOT BAD, JUST MISUNDERSTOOD’ and he looks at her over the top of his sunglasses and says “how you doin’” and Persephone shudders because the air has just got really cold and a bit deathy and also this guy is creepy and a bit deathy too, but he can’t take a hint at all and so he says “I’ve got a really great pick up technique that I learnt from this guy who’s currently banned in Australia, do you want to see it? I’m Hades, by the way, and I’m a nice guy really” and Persephone looks around nervously but she can’t see Demeter, who’s probably busy touching corn and shit, and so she just shrugs, and the guy leans out a bit further from his chariot and literally picks her up and throws her into the seat next to him and then the chariot sinks right down into the ground and suddenly they’re not in the lush green meadows any more, they’re in this horrible craggy wasteland that stinks of decomposition and armpits and there’s no natural light at all. Basically, they’re in a student bedroom.. Immediately, Persephone is like “you know what, that pick up line sucked, I am so not charmed by this” and Hades is like “welcome to Hades, bitch” and Persephone is like “did you really name this place after yourself” and Hades is like “who even knows, really, but it’s a fucking rad name, right?” and Persephone is like “are those fingers hanging from the wall?” and Hades is like “yeah, it’s my festive bunting” and Persephone nods slowly and says “and is that lampshade made from a severed head?” and Hades is like “two, actually, I got a dead maid to sew them together into a grotesque parody of that tragedy / comedy mask and I think it’s pretty bitchin’” and Persephone is like “well, that’s all well and good, but do you honestly expect me to live here? I mean, there’s literally a sofa made out of decomposing feet over there” and Hades pouts and he’s like “that’s my rad make-out sofa, never used but often stroked, but I see your point, maybe this place just needs a woman’s touch” and then he winks and says “you know what else needs a woman’s touch? My dick” and Persephone wrinkles her cute button nose and says “this place doesn’t need a woman’s touch, it just needs some mood lighting and maybe a feature wall” and Hades says “you are honestly making it so hard for me to make dick jokes right now, but you make a valid and salient point, how about I hire you as my interior designer and also my wife?” and Persephone is like “I honestly don’t think I want either of those positions” and Hades shrugs and says “I could make such a good dick joke about that sentence, but I want you to know that I’m also a caring and sensual individual and not just a hilariously laddish cad, so I’ll let it slide this time, but also I’m really upset about it and so I think maybe you should just stay here for a bit and think about what you’ve done” and Persephone is like “can you elaborate on ‘a bit’ because I have a lunch date at 7” and Hades is like “I’m torn between two hours or forever, which would you prefer? Ha, just kidding, it’s going to be forever, if I’m honest” and Persephone is like “do I get a say in this matter at all?” and Hades is like “obviously not, you’re a woman in Greek mythology and I just kidnapped you in my manly chariot” and Persephone sighs and says “fine, if I’m stuck here, then can you fetch me 6 tins of matte emulsion paint in Coral Canyon 7?” . A little while passes, and over time, Persephone starts to really spruce the place up. Nothing major, she doesn’t totally renovate the kitchen or do anything whacky like move the master bedroom into the lower torture chamber, but pretty soon the whole of Hades is full of the delicious smell of gently smouldering scented candles and there are throw cushions on the sofas of severed heads and the disembodied spirits of the recently departed have started to feel really at home here, and it’s all down to Persephone and her natural eye for feng shui. .. Meanwhile, up in the lush green meadows of earthly frolicking, Demeter is freaking the fuck out. She’s just sort of wandering about the place and moaning desolately about her missing daughter and bodily autonomy and the best way to harvest crops when you’re so depressed that you can’t even see the point in living any more, and honestly, her bitchy attitude is starting to bring everyone the fuck down. All the harvests are shit, because Demeter’s too depressed to give half a damn, and the seasons become cold and empty, like that mini ice age in Frozen that lasted like 3 days but was still definitely eternal because it was caused by a depressed magic woman. . Eventually, Zeus gets fucking tired of this shit, because he has some hot chicks to lay and the eggs aren’t hatching in the snatch like they oughta because it’s so cold that he can barely get it up, and so he goes to visit Demeter and he’s all “yo sis, what the everlasting shit is going on, I’ve got this really smouldering chick in my bed and I can’t even ravish her any more” and Demeter is like “sorry bro, I guess I’m just really depressed because our brother has kidnapped our daughter and I think he might try and wife her and it’s just too much incest for me to deal with on any level” and Zeus just blinks and says “so you’re my sister and Persephone is your daughter but she’s also my daughter?” and Demeter nods and Zeus says “and Hades is our brother?” and Demeter just nods again and Zeus makes a mental note to invent the Jeremy Kyle show, and then he immediately has an idea. “Why don’t you quit your womanly bitching and go down to Hades and get your daughter back?” he says, and Demeter is like “hold on, she’s your daughter too” and Zeus is like “yeah, yeah, I’ll cut you a cheque for the child support I missed, now get your peachy lil’ ass down to Hades and claw back our spawn, and I’ll go back to the woman in my bed who is definitely not my sister” and Demeter says “is Hera the hot woman in your bed?” and Zeus puffs out his chest proudly and says “the one and only” and Demeter says “she’s your sister too, bro” and Zeus deflates like a sabotaged condom and goes right into Hades himself. . When Zeus gets into Hades, he’s immediately struck by the recent appearance of a tasteful baroque fireplace that Persephone has erected in the main reception room. Hades serves him a dry martini from an authentic vintage brass platter, and Zeus is all “this place looks great, man, did you get on a Living TV show or something? What’s your secret?” and Hades is like “nothing like that, man, no TV deals, just the unwilling daughter of Demeter” and Zeus laughs nervously and sets his dry martini down on an understated but classic vintage chest of drawers with turquoise beading around the handles and says “yeah, about that unwilling daughter of Demeter thing, is there any way on Earth that you could maybe give her back?” and Hades is like “Hades no, this place has never looked so good, have you seen the bearskin rug in the fingernail room?” and Zeus just presses on, like “Demeter has turned the entire of the upper realm into something even worse than this place used to be, and I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried getting someone in the mood for doin’ the do when the ground is covered in ice, but it ain’t easy” and Hades is like “I don’t care if Demeter turns Earth into a grotesque parody of Manchester, you’re not getting Persephone back, she’s my favourite niece-wife”. . Zeus just sighs and says “Hades, there is only one way that you are ever going to keep Persephone here, and there’s no way you’re going to manage it” and Hades is like “what do I have to do?” and Zeus is like “I’m not telling you, it’ll only upset you” and Hades says “do I have to wade through the deepest oceans in the world with no scuba gear, because I will” and Zeus is like “no, it’s worse than that” and Hades says “do I have to defeat 7 deadly bears with nothing but my bare hands and a Barry Manilow CD, because I will” and Zeus is like “no, it’s worse than that” and Hades is like “do I have to lather myself in oil and wrestle naked with Hera, because it’ll be tough, but I will” and Zeus is like “no, but the only thing that will keep Persephone here - which we don’t want, Hades, so don’t fucking do it - is if she eats or drinks anything while she’s down here. Like, as long as she starves herself, I’ll be able to summon a totally pimpin’ army to come and rescue her, but if you feed her so much as a mouthful of milk? Done. I can’t do anything. So, you know. Don’t do that. That would be supremely uncool” and Hades throws his hands up innocently and says “I won’t feed her anything, I promise, now how about you go and summon that pimpin’ army of yours and I’ll go and help Persephone paint the en-suite flesh pantry? We’re going to be using Cappuccino 5.” . As soon as Zeus has left, Persephone comes around the corner and she asks Hades “who was that nice muscular chap?” and Hades is like “literally no-one, now come over here, you look really tasty and also hungry” and Persephone is like “well, I’ve been here for months and you haven’t so much as offered me a morsel to eat apart from your dick, so what gives now?” and Hades is like “my thin veneer of uncaring masculinity is crumbling around me and I’ve started to give a shit about your well-being, now do you want one of these delicious pomegranate seeds?” and he holds out his hand and offers her the aforementioned pomegranate seeds, and she blinks and says “that is literally all I want in the world” and she eats them and then suddenly Demeter appears and Hades is like “where is Zeus and his pimpin’ army?” and Demeter just roars “I am the army, bitch, now where’s my daughter” and Hades shoves Persephone at her and says “here is your daughter, or should I say, here’s my WIFE” and Demeter looks at Persephone, who has pomegranate juice smeared all over her face like a fucking child, and her heart just sinks because not only has she raised a slovenly child who can’t even eat fruit seeds without making more mess than a Tory document on foreign policy, but she realises that her daughter has eaten in Hades and can never leave, and that’s even worse, though not quite as bad as that time David Cameron made a speech about austerity at a five course meal while wearing a tuxedo. . Immediately, Demeter calls for Zeus, who appears wrapped in a bed sheet, hair all sexily tussled from being interrupted mid coitus (because Zeus is always mid coitus, unless he’s immediately pre or post coitus) and Zeus looks at Persephone and just sighs heavily and says “Hades, I swear to myself” and Hades shrugs and says “don’t hate the player, hate the game” and Demeter is like “if we don’t sort this shit out soon, I am going to plunge the world into an eternal winter and rename myself Elsa” and Zeus is like “no, don’t do that, Demeter is a rad name and also winter totally kills my game and that’s all a pimp really has, can we maybe come to a compromise here so I can return to the wanton sister in my bed?” and Hades and Demeter just look at each other, one thread of sibling love joining them together for the barest of moments, and nod. . So, Zeus is like “I can’t change the whole ‘don’t eat the seeds of Hades’ rule - ” and then Hades mutters a dick joke, and the thin thread of sibling love is snapped again - “but I can sort of bend it, like a boss who’s been caught groping his secretary and manages to get 6 months’ suspension and sexual harassment seminars rather than losing his job and his shares in the company. How about we say that Persephone does get to return to the surface, but only for 6 months of the year?” and Persephone pipes up like “what about the other 6 months?” and Zeus says “you stay down here for the other 6 months” and Persephone is like “awesome, I had really great ideas about installing a water feature in the lean-to of arid torture” and Hades and Demeter sort of mumble their agreements and Zeus dissipates in a fog of sex appeal, leaving Persephone and her husband-uncle and her mother-aunt to sort their shit out, which, to be fair, will definitely take more than 6 months.