i got the fear

anonymous asked:

Do you think that, deep down, Severus wanted to be happy ? :)

…this is such a nice question, and I fear I’ve only got a miserable answer.

I think when Snape was a kid, he did want to be happy.  

I am certain he didn’t know how to achieve it, and that’s why he was drawn to power instead.  I think he thought power would mean he would be respected, and then he could make sure that nobody stopped him from achieving what he wanted…and then he could be happy.

Personally, I read him as a kid without power, both at school and at home, and I think he was easy pickings for the Death Eaters to recruit.  I am really unsure about what was going on in Snape’s head when he defected - I can’t decide whether he was already disillusioned with the Death Eaters and Lily being threatened was the last straw, or whether he was just so appalled by Lily being threatened, he threw in the towel.

…but as soon as he defects, I think Snape stops wanting anything for himself, really.  As soon as he puts Lily’s life before his own, that’s the end of Snape and his aspirations.

His role of spy, which he knew he would have to return to, meant that he couldn’t change career.  He couldn’t marry, or have any meaningful long term relationship, or have children.  He was stuck in limbo, playing a part.

Once Voldemort returned, he then spent his time between two masters, doing whatever he was told and doing his best to survive.

So the sad answer is, I don’t think Snape really dared think about being happy; I don’t think he aspired to anything, because he knew that until he’d repented…until his mission was complete, his life wasn’t his own.

There is, of course, the awful irony that all of the things Snape achieves are all things that I feel both he and Lily (as kids) would’ve admired.  He becomes a young Slytherin Housemaster, a successful teacher, and ultimately Headmaster.

If someone had given him those options at 13, I think he’d have happily taken them, and not aspired to be a Death Eater…yet, even more ironically, he wouldn’t have achieved any of it if he hadn’t been a Death Eater in the first place.  

And that, to me, is Snape’s deepest tragedy.

(Oh well, that was depressing.  Eeeesh.  Sorry, mate.)

anonymous asked:

I was finally able to read your Doreen/Kraven fic today after a busy week, and it was so . . . heartwarming? I loved it. I've got so many hangups and fears after my assault - it was nice to read something where sex was fun and safe.

oh goodness this is such a wonderful comment to receive, thank you so much for telling me this, it makes everything worth it <3

anonymous asked:

I don't know if you got my ask about the uncontrollable fear but that passed and I was eventually able to fall asleep. I love you ❤️ . - johnny boy

oh, sweets. i’m so sorry but i don’t think i did. :(

i love you back, so so so much 💕

A follow up...

I’ve seen a lot of talk after the video I did today and I’m trying to get an overall picture as much as I can. Some people agree with my video, some really don’t and some agree with half of it. No one is wrong and I definitely appreciate the variety of opinions because as I said, I’m not right and I am open to discuss it further.

My main regret for this video was focusing too much on what Felix did and whether I agreed with it or not instead of elaborating on the media side of it all. I did this initially because I wanted to avoid the “youtubers vs the mainstream media” narrative that’s been going around but I can see now that that wasn’t a good idea. It made it seem like I was defending them more than Felix and I was throwing him under the bus. Absolutely not my intention. I think because I’m close friends with Felix that I thought I could criticise him a bit more and explain it to him if he disagreed but to the outside viewer this isn’t apparent and looks like I just blasted him instead in front of a lot of people. 

I do think there were some unethical practices at play with the media, a lot of misquoting and misrepresentation and then other articles taking that and doing their spin on it which muddied the waters more. As I said in my video, it got very messy. Also yeah, it’s a little strange that WSJ would focus on a youtuber making jokes (good or bad) rather than bigger real issues, as Felix put it “I expect it from The Sun maybe but not Wall Street Journal”. 

When I said “WSJ weren’t wrong to run the story” I meant that technically it’s in their rights to do whatever they want. I don’t have to agree with it however and some parts of it did feel a little overly critical of everything while other sections flat out lied about him. Some articles literally called him “Racist” which I mentioned I knew wasn’t true. 

I felt like most of this had been said by everyone else and better, so I made it a shorter talking point in my video which now I see wasn’t a good idea. It paints a picture that isn’t true. I think fear of backlash got to me a bit and I’m inexperienced tackling such large issues so I didn’t get specific. There’s no one right answer to everything but I’m not arrogant or stubborn enough to not listen to others on this and discuss it or even admit when I’m wrong. 

I still stand with Felix as my friend, in fact now more than ever because he needs it. I’ve been in contact with Felix privately over all of this and have shown support since the very beginning. The insane endless attacks on him and witch hunt are out of control and going too far. We all make mistakes and should be given an opportunity to learn from them. 


Ay look at me reading to far into a book again. Either @vaveyard is a genius putting little hopeful messages into her books first two words or she’s still a genius and I’m reading too far into this at 1am. Anyway the point of this post: these are the first pages of Red Queen, Glass Sword, and King’s Cage respectively. The first two words of RQ are “I hate”, and a powerful message through tall these books is the prejudice and privilege of the Silvers over Reds, who hate each other. Sound familiar?
The next is the first two words of GS “I flinch”, as in fear. There is fear on both sides of this book, Reds of how the Silvers may oppress or hurt them, the Silvers on how the Reds may fight back and change tradition that gives them severe advantages. Again, sound familiar? These are all too similar to modern times, and well…everything that is going on, from police brutality to “alternative facts” which all add to issues like racism, sexism, anti Semitism, homophobia, xenophobia, islamophobia, etc., and Ms. Aveyard has done a great job showing these same issues in a totally different world, and the fear and hate that create and add to them. Which is why I probably read too much into this and the beginning of KC.
Because the first two words of KC are “I rise”, which is what we all need to do now. Whether through speaking up and calling local politicians, or going to the woman’s March, pride marches, BLM marches, the science March, anything that shows we won’t give in and that we will continue to fight and have our voices heard. So if this was intentional, I applaud you Ms. Aveyard, and if it wasn’t I don’t care, because this was a message I needed for myself right now, and I’m sure many others do to. So listen to this, random tumblr, and instead of giving in to fear and hate, rise up. Rise up! You don’t need to be the Scarlet Guard or Mare Barrow, every rebellion and cause needs Kilorns and supporters who are not always spotlighted. You are important to these causes too. You are what drives them forward and makes them noticeable. Keep fighting!

someone: oh my god were you CRYING???

me, not even 4 minutes after a full on breakdown: 

The reason I dislike how Milah gets treated in AUs is that it fundamentally messes with not just her character but with Killian and Captain Swan too. 

If Milah becomes a cheating girlfriend, woman who goes back to her husband, or any variation where she doesn’t really love Killian it’s a disservice to her. Because canon Milah loved Killian, she found a home with him, she was happy with him. Canon Milah risked her life to stand up to the Dark One and save the man she loved. I know people are divided on her as a person but you can’t deny that she loved Killian fiercely. 

Since so many people don’t care for Milah they might argue that it doesn’t matter because what is important is that we have a broken hearted and single Killian to meet Emma. But if Milah choses to leave Killian it also changes his character. 

A broken heart caused by the woman you love being brutally murdered and using her last breath to say “I love you” is not the same as a broken heart caused by the woman you love leaving you. Though arguably both create a person afraid to love again the source of their fear is different. In one they fear pain of loss and of loving again after knowing what real and true love can be. In the the other they fear rejection or abandonment and not ever knowing what it means to be truly loved. Killian is the first while Emma is the second and that difference between their brokenness is so important for their relationship and when Milah gets changed that difference disappears.

Captain Swan works for me because on the one hand you have Killian who knows that love must be fought for and cherished because it can be taken in an instant–a lesson he learns from both Liam and Milah’s deaths–and that means when he finds love again with Emma he is all in and willing to wait for her and willing to sacrifice for her because he knows it’s worth it. But Emma doesn’t know if love is worth it; love has only left her broken and unsure (and in jail). Her experience with love has taught her to guard her heart and not let anyone too close for fear they might break it and/or abandon her. So she pulls away and doesn’t let Killian all the way in and if Killian had the same fears as she did he might let her pull away, he might not be confident enough to wait, he might think she didn’t care enough for him. If Killian has the same kind of broken heart as Emma it becomes a very different dynamic. 

Milah matters. She matters as her own person and she matters in the way she influenced and changed Killian. And I am not telling anyone how to write their AUs. I myself am guilty of making Milah a cheater because it was just easier at the time and I hadn’t really thought about it. I am just sad that her importance and significance in Killian’s life and on his character is so often downplayed, eliminated, or corrupted. 

Supernatural School Pt. 2

Part 1 (X)

It always takes time to sort yourself out after a reaping, even a relatively pleasant one. That’s why, even though you’d like to rejoin Sam, Amanda and Lexi in the cafeteria, you head back to the dorms.

You don’t feel any different after. Some legends say that you eat the souls of the dead, praying on them for sustenance. You’d like to say that Reapers never do that, that they never commit such a heinous crime, but you’ve been around long enough to know better than to lie. There are words for Reapers who eat, none of which you’d dare say here. Names give things power and eaters get more than their fair share to begin with.

You shiver under the blazing sun and try to turn your mind to more pleasant topics.

You are halfway back to your room, when you see Ms. Jan, Mr. T and Principal Finn rushing towards the animal husbandry building. Mr. T’s upset enough that his mane has burst free of his button-down shirt though he’s the only one of the three so affected. Ms. Jan, all banshee characteristics gone, is composed as she leads the group, strides long and purposeful. Principal Finn is listening to her seriously, his wheelchair rolling over the grass easily, with a grim expression on his face.

This is, of course, until he sees you.

You keep your expression blank as Principal Finn says something to Ms. Jan and Mr. T, gesturing for them to go on, and then directs his motorized wheelchair towards you.

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Pure unadulterated terror courses through Alec’s veins the moment the institute lights up with heavenly light.

He books it towards the op centre, running faster than he ever has in his entire life (without the help of a speed rune, anyway) and skitters to a halt at the sight of the dead downworlders that cover the floor.


He steps through them gingerly, glancing around as he recognises seelies and werewolves, before looking up at his parabatai; Clary and Simon right behind him.

He barely hears what any of them are saying, too distracted by Jace’s distraught expression, the sudden fear and oh god, where’s Magnus?

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anonymous asked:

What is munch box gate?

(I think I typed it wrong in that other post, it’s supposed to be Bunch Mox Gate, because Jamie Benn is a thirteen year old boy. It appears he thought that by switching the first letters he was… accomplishing something other than admitting to the world that he doesn’t like to go down town. Although Bunch Moxageddon is my new favorite title lmao)

The Story of How the Internet Dragged Jamie Benn (And How Jason Demers’ Popularity Among Female Fans Skyrocketed)

um… so yeah just follow that link and read all of the amazing tweets dragging my best boy to hell and back. (this is… all about oral sex, so just be warned if that’s not something you want to read. It’s not explicit, just LOTS of puns). Also #Dumbmers??? Come on Jamie lmao

Make a choice Dean

A/N: Story begins in the middle of a hunt.

Warnings: Angst

Make a choice Dean Masterlist

Dean x Sister!Reader    Sam x Sister!Reader

Originally posted by frozen-delight

Originally posted by sammyseyebrows

You and Sam looked around the hallway you were standing in; there was nothing special about it. Just a hallway of what appeared to be an empty factory. Glancing over at Sam, you nodded at each other, silently communicating that you should move.

The two of you were looking for Dean who had been taken by the djinn who fed off of fear. Sam had killed it a day ago but Dean never woke up, which led to where you are now; walking in Dean’s nightmare, trying to find him so that he could wake himself up.

You had just turned the corner when you heard a voice chuckling from what sounded below you. Sam heard it too because he glanced at you before walking to the railing to view what was going on below you.

Your eyes widened as you took in the scene; the dream’s version of you and Sam were each tied to a chair while Dean stood five feet in front of you. A man, a demon with black eyes showing, stood off to the side a few feet away.

“The hell?” You heard Sam say next to you.

“What is going-” You began but stopped when you heard the demon begin to speak.

“Alright Dean, choose. Do you want to save your brother, the one you raised and spent your entire life looking after.” The demon paused, “Or your little half sister who you didn’t even know about until the apocalypse? Your choice.” He said while handing Dean a gun, “You better choose quickly, otherwise I might just kill them both.”

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