HSAU Drabble: Angst Dream
“Are you getting ready?”
“Like you told me to,” Lexa chuckled. “What did you say the dress code was, again?”
“I don’t…what? It’s either formal or it’s casual.” Lexa snorted in amusement.
“What are you wearing?”
“Come and see.”
Lexa was debating on whether to keep her hair down or up in a messy bun, when she felt arms wrap around her, deliberately feeling up her abs before lips pressed to her neck.
“I’m surprised you’re not in a dress.”
“I wanted to, but you said-”
“I know. Babe, you look stunning. A button up is perfect.”
Costia turned Lexa around, pressing her against the counter as she leaned in to kiss Lexa’s lips, sliding Lexa’s hands to grab her hips.
Lexa kissed her, sighing softly as she did so, the scent of their distinctly different perfumes mixing pleasantly, somehow.
“…What exactly are we going to, again?”
“My friend Sarah’s art gala.” Costia explained, smiling brightly. “She did a series of works on the theme Spring.”
Lexa nodded slowly. “And the kids?”
Costia laughed. “You think you’ll be so bored there that you’d want to make your own children suffer through it, too? I’m your wife, isn’t that enough?”
Lexa smiled sheepishly. “They’re not coming?”
“No, babe. Emily and Tyler are at my mom’s.” Costia cocked a brow. “But, Woods, play your cards right, actually socialize, and I will rock your world with mind blowing sex later tonight.”
Lexa nodded, running a hand through her hair. Down, she decided.
“Lex, we’ll be late. Let’s go.”
“You’ve been working later.”
Lexa had just slipped into the penthouse door, at two am. She knew she reeked of alcohol, and that wasn’t ever a good sign.
She wasn’t really much of a drinker, but these last few months had certainly forced her into the habit.
And now, Clarke was sitting up on the couch, a blanket wrapped around her, her eyes sleepless and tired.
Everything about her looked tired.
She was still beautiful, breathtaking, to Lexa. But there was something about her demeanor that flipped, that changed.
Maybe Lexa’s nights out weren’t helping, either.
Lexa startled momentarily, before exhaling a breath.
“I…” She sighed, setting the keys down. She licked her lips, feeling how dry they were.
“You drove like that?” Clarke whispered.
“Clarke, I was fine-”
“Lexa. You can’t fucking walk straight.” Clarke growled.
Lexa made a face. “Who cares, Clarke? I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, not like I have a history with drunk drivers or anything.” Clarke whispered coldly, and Lexa felt her insides churn uncomfortably.
Yeah, so maybe she was the reason Clarke never got better.
But things weren’t easy on her either.
Clarke bit her lip. “Who were you with, Lexa?”
“Linc and Anya.” Lexa lied smoothly, rubbing her temples.
“Yeah?” Clarke pried. “Linc and Anya? Who are in Arkadia right now, for Indra’s retirement party? That we’re missing, because of your so called busy off season schedule?”
Lexa snapped, eyes narrowing. “Enough, Clarke.”
“Who were you with, Lexa?” Clarke challenged, dropping the blanket.
“The boys.” Lexa sighed. “The team. We were at some bars, some clubs…I don’t….I didn’t see anyone, Clarke. You know that.” She told the truth in a soft, hurt voice.
“I don’t really know anything, anymore, Lexa.” Clarke sighed.
“I’m…sorry.” Lexa murmured. “I should be more…present.”
Clarke laughed wryly. “I think we’re past that, Lexa.”
“Clarke, what do you want from me? I’m trying to make it work. I’m balancing you, and work, and-”
“Stop. Stop making it about everything else, Lexa.” Clarke shook her head. “The mis-” Clarke gathered her breath. “The miscarriages triggered all of this. But our issues run….so deep. You can’t fucking stop pleasing your parents to realize that they don’t…they don’t give a shit about you, Lexa!” Clarke finally snapped. “They weren’t here when you were sick, throwing up into a trash can all night! They weren’t here when you lost the championship and wouldn’t leave our room for days! They weren’t here for any of my fucking….they didn’t care when we lost the baby, and they don’t care now.”
Lexa was heaving, trying to breathe evenly, trying to wake up from the terror she was feeling.
“…what is now, Clarke?” Lexa questioned evenly. “What…what do we do, then?” Clarke’s words had stung deep, bringing back all the trauma of the past few months.
Clarke sighed, shifting the blanket off as she softly padded over to Lexa, cupping her cheeks. She tenderly kissed Lexa’s cheek, shaking her head.
“Divorce, Lexa. I want to go home. I…I can’t believe I would ever, ever say this to you but…we’re done.”
The art gallery was magnificent. High glass walls formed the entry into the posh, yet minimalistic lobby, where champagne and hors d'oeuvres were being served.
The actual displays were in the gallery itself, back behind the lobby. Lexa had never seen a group of people so unpretentious, so genuinely amazed and in love with whatever it was in that back display room.
She thought she had an idea of what galas were like, and she was all wrong.
“This is my wife, Lexa.” Costia smiled as she introduced Lexa to the artist she’d been referring to. “Lex, this is Sarah, her display is-”
“Wow.” The artist smiled, shaking Lexa’s hand in excitement. “It’s an honor to meet you. Both of you, but Costia and I have a little history, so I’m used to her.”
Costia chuckled at that.
“But…it’s not every day a model and a professional football player walk in to see my work. Suffice it to say I’m a huge fan.”
Lexa smiled, shaking her hand. “I’m flattered, thanks. The pleasure is all mine.”
It’d been awhile since anyone was thrilled to meet her, after Clarke’s divorce, since they used to be a couple in the spotlight.
Since then, she’d worked to better her image, going out less, doing more charity work. It was there that she reunited with Costia, and when they both realized that they weren’t getting any younger…things happened.
“Please, take a while, meet everyone here, and then go inside and have a look.” Sarah ushered them. “And thanks again for coming!”
“Clarke, you can’t-”
“Clarke!” Lexa was staring in horror at their….her…half empty apartment, Clarke’s belongings already cleaned out, while Lexa was at her game. “You…”
Clarke had tears in her eyes, shouldering a bag. “Lexa, we need to-”
“Love, no.” Lexa shook her head frantically. “Clarke-”
“Lexa. We talked about this. Hell, we fought about this. It shouldn’t be a surprise.” Clarke sighed, lip trembling.
“Didn’t think I would?” Clarke whispered.
“Clarke.” Lexa’s jaw set, firm. “I love you.”
Clarke only shook her head, tears falling freely.
“I love you more than I will ever love anybody.” Lexa sounded broken, dimmed. “You…you said you would never leave! Clarke, you fucking promised!”
Clarke’s eyes widened. “Lexa…what happened to us? Those were promises I made before things got crazy, before you started drinking, before I lost the baby….twice.”
“Clarke, I still love-”
“You couldn’t…even look at me.” Clarke whispered. “I know I disappointed you, but-”
“Clarke, it wasn’t like that. I-”
“It doesn’t…really matter, does it?” Clarke sighed. “Lexa.” She took a step forward, and Lexa’s lip trembled as Clarke wrapped her arms around her, holding her close.
“Clarke, please…” Lexa whimpered, so broken, so vulnerable. “Don’t go. We…I can fix this. I can fix this, just-”
“I don’t know what happened.” Clarke murmured. “But I will always love you, Lexa. Always. Take care. See someone….I want you to be happy. I really do. But I know that with me, you can’t. That’s why I have to go.”
Lexa wasn’t bored, per se.
Okay, maybe she was bored a little.
But it wasn’t the art. The art was actually breathtaking, fantastic. She’d fallen in love with so many pieces in this one night, she never realized how powerful it truly could be.
But after so many people stopped her for a handshake, a photo, and autograph, things got old rather quickly.
She couldn’t really tune in to many conversations, simply because they would shift to football whenever she’d join, and frankly, she wasn’t interested.
She was staring at one piece that felt eerily familiar. It was a forest at midnight, stars shining above. There were butterflies, sitting on the branches that looked almost…bioluminescent. They glowed. It was entrancing, and before she could take a step forward to identify the placard, the champagne was almost knocked out of her hands as something hit her leg.
She glanced down in surprise, and a grinning little toddler was glancing up at her. She was absolutely adorable, in every sense of the word. She had brown waves, with sharp green eyes. She smiled with chubby cheeks, wearing a cute little dress. She clutched a stuffed raccoon in her hands.
“Hello.” Lexa smiled, kneeling down.
The little girl regarded her for a moment, and then let out, “Hello.” She parroted it back perfectly, calmly, as if she were sizing Lexa up.
“I’m Lexa.” Lexa shook her hand out, grinning when she got a chubby toddler hand in hers for a handshake. “What’s your name?”
“Alex.” The girl replied cutely, though it was a bit slurred in her toddler voice, and it sounded like “I’m Alecks”. “…Play?” She cocked her head to the side like a puppy, curious with bright eyes and a hopeful smile.
Lexa glanced back at Costia, who was busy socializing. She smiled. “Alright, I’ll play. What do want to pla-”
“TAG!” Alex grinned and tagged Lexa’s leg, bolting back into the gallery.
“Of course.” Lexa grinned, knowing better than to run, so she hastened back to follow.
She was met with a fresh wave of people, but Alex waited for her, and Lexa was able to catch her. Before she could dart off, Lexa stopped her for a moment.
“Maybe tag isn’t the best game to play here.” Lexa told her, and Alex blinked, clearly not understanding. “Too many people.” She explained softly. “It’s dangerous. Do you have a different game?”
Alex blinked. “Diff..erent?” She replied adorably, and then her eyes lit up. “Come!” She grinned, taking hold of Lexa’s hand.
“Come?” Lexa laughed. “Where?” She followed nonetheless, smiling at people who waved, used to the attention.
“Toys!” Alex exclaimed, as if she’d struck gold.
Lexa looked quizzical. “You have toys here?”
Alex nodded vigorously.
“Do you live here?” Lexa blinked.
Alex snorted a laugh, and Lexa almost froze. It sounded just like her own, for just a moment. “Nooooo, silly.” Alex drawled.
Lexa looked unsure, as they moved past the crowd, towards the back. “Are you sure-”
“Toys.” Alex nodded affirmatively.
Lexa eyed the back door that clearly read: employees only. She frowned. “Alex, I don’t think-”
The door opened, and Alex shook her hand free of Lexa’s, darting to the arms of whomever had stepped out from the back room.
Lexa’s eyes followed Alex as she was scooped up, immediately ready to jump to her defense, to protect her, until her eyes settled on just who had picked her up.
“Mommy!” Alex squealed, and she clutched Clarke Griffin’s neck like a koala.
Clarke grinned, kissing her head. “Did you sneak away again, baby girl?”
Alex grinned. “Friend!” She announced, pointing to Lexa. “Leksa.”
Clarke glanced up and gasped, mirroring Lexa’s stunned reaction.
Lexa couldn’t get out of bed.
Her bed smelled like Clarke, her wife, her best friend…her ex.
It stung. It hurt. It ached. It made Lexa want to lay down and die. They’d gone and fucked up the greatest thing that ever happened to either of them. Partying, drinking, miscarriages, rumored affairs, distance, it all came down to Clarke leaving.
Lexa missed her, so so much.
She missed Clarke’s sleepy smile, her morning kisses.
She missed Clarke working in her studio, throughout the day.
She missed Clarke’s excitement to catch up on their favorite evening shows, the way Clarke would cuddle into her side and kiss every inch of her face. The way Clarke would smile just because she’d seen Lexa smile, and the two would fall into a laughing kissing heap on the couch.
She would’ve killed to have those days back.
Lexa stood from the bed, finally. Her stomach was cramping with pain, she needed to eat. She needed to shower. She needed to call her coach and get busy.
But instead of the phone, she found her feet tugging her down the hall, to the closest room.
The baby’s room.
Lexa blinked back tears. There was nothing in it. No telltale crib to sob over, no toys or stuffed animals to remind her.
Memories of her and Clarke setting it up together. Memories of Clarke painting the wall, laughing. Memories of Lexa kissing her swollen belly, whispering to it.
…And then other memories.
Memories of Clarke sobbing, unable to believe it.
Memories of Lexa slipping out because Clarke was hollow, and she needed a diversion more than ever.
Memories of the name “Alex”, intricately carved into the head board of a crib that was never going to be used.
“Lex?” Clarke blinked, Alex regarding Lexa with a curious gaze.
“Clarke?” Lexa whispered, eyes darting from Alex to Clarke.
“…Hi.” Clarke murmured.
“Hi?” Lexa breathed. “Hi? After all this-”
“Lexa, please.” Clarke murmured. “Not in front of-”
“I wasn’t going to.” Lexa shook her head, eyes regarding Alex with the fondest stare. She didn’t understand why, but she felt such a connection to Alex. Slowly, she was piecing it together.
“…Play?” Alex asked hopefully.
Clarke looked unsure. “Alex, Lexa is…a very important person. She doesn’t have time to play with you-”
“I do.” Lexa lit up at the idea.
“…What?” Clarke blinked.
Lexa smiled her trademark, panty dropper smile, and Clarke’s heart slammed into her gut. “Of course I do.”
“Well, I don’t want Alex out here, it’s too crowded, and-” Clarke was cut off by Alex herself.
“Mommy, Leksa come!” She grinned, as if her idea was genius. She pointed to the back lounge, where her toys were.
“…May I?” Lexa whispered.
Before Clarke could answer, the door opened once more, Luna Rivers stepping out, looking ever professional in her suit. She was on the phone, but she seemed to have paused her conversation a moment.
“Is everything okay?” Luna asked, arm around Clarke’s waist. “Woods. Wow, I didn’t expect to see you here. This is…great.”
Lexa had heard. She’d heard that Luna Rivers, Arkadia’s fucking sweetheart, had won Clarke over. She’d heard that maybe Clarke was considering adopting. She’d heard of some new procedure for Clarke to have a child, but…..
Seeing it all together was something different.
That was her Clarke. That was her beautiful, loving wife, and that was supposed to be their playful child. Lexa felt a lump form in her throat. That was all supposed to be hers.
“…Yeah.” Lexa nodded, numb. “I think I’m gonna go.”
“No!” Alex drawled, lower lip wobbling. “No play, Leksa?”
Lexa’s heart shattered.
Clarke sighed, the ring on her finger flashing as she ran her free hand through her hair. “Come on, Lexa.” She decided, ignoring Luna’s inquisitive stare. “Here, take your child.” She smiled half heartedly, and handed Alex to Luna.
“Hey babe.” Luna grinned, and Alex parroted her.
“That’s momma, to you.” Luna kissed her head. “You like the new dragon toy?”
Alex nodded. “Raccoon better.” She insisted.
“You and that raccoon, huh?” Luna teased. “Alright, go play. I have to make a call, but I’ll play soon, okay?”
“Okay.” Alex nodded, and turned to Lexa. “Come.”
Lexa smiled a watery smile. “Coming.” She murmured, and Alex took her hand in her own, leading her in.
“Gotcha!” Alex cried as she pounced on Lexa, the two playing heartily on the couch in the lounge while Clarke and Luna talked in hushed voices in the corner, occasionally glancing at Lexa, as if she were going to up and kidnap Alex.
“Oh no!” Lexa wheezed as Alex faux stabbed her. “My heart…”
Alex watched her pretend to die, for a moment, then contemplated it. “I fix it.” She bent over Lexa, and pressed a kiss to her two little fingers, and then put them over Lexa’s heart. “Better.” She whispered, and Lexa sat up, smiling when Alex crawled into her lap, as if she’d known her all her life.
“Where’d you learn that?” Lexa asked.
“Mommy,” Alex answered softly.
“Does her heart hurt, too?” Lexa whispered.
Alex nodded. “She cry. I fix it.”
“I’ll bet.” Lexa replied softly, eyes watering.
Lexa glanced back up at Luna and Clarke as their voices grew louder.
“You have to go?” Clarke asked softly.
“The absolute last thing I want to do is leave you. But I’ll be home before you will.” Luna promised. “I’ll be quick.”
“Alright.” Clarke sighed, and Luna wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist, pulling her closer.
Lexa felt sick, the way Luna’s hands grabbed Clarke’s hips, the way Luna kissed her, making Clarke’s lips chase hers.
Alex hid her face shyly, and Lexa sighed. “Me too.”
Luna and Clarke pulled apart, and Clarke was smiling hazily.
“You liked that?” Luna chuckled, and Clarke licked her lips. “Tonight.” She smirked, and that one word promise was like a kick to the gut.
Lexa tried not to sulk as she heard that, Luna coming over to Alex and Lexa.
“Hey, kid. I have to go do something real quick, but I’ll see you at home, okay?” Luna murmured, and Alex nodded, hugging her leg.
Luna glanced at Lexa uneasily.
“I’ll behave.” Lexa assured.
Luna didn’t blink. “This is my family, Woods. Don’t act up, and don’t get any ideas, and we’re good.”
“We’re good.” Lexa replied, watching Luna nod in satisfaction.
“Alright, enjoy your night, tell Costia I say hi.”
“So…” Clarke began, as she sat beside Lexa on the couch, a foot of distance between them.
“…I love Alex.” Lexa blurted out. “She’s…Clarke, she’s amazing.”
Clarke smiled, and it looked melancholy. “Thanks. She’s my everything.”
They watched as Alex sifted through her pile of toys, trying to find the perfect one for Lexa.
“So she doesn’t….know?” Lexa asked softly.
“Do your kids know that you were ever married to me?” Clarke shot back.
“No.” Lexa sighed.
“Right. So, no, Alex has no idea. She knows she’s mine and Luna’s, and that’s the truth.” Clarke responded, headstrong as always.
“You look…beautiful.” Lexa murmured. “And I don’t mean that in a hit on you way, Clarke. You look better. Healthy, again.”
Clarke smiled. “You look stunning too.” She offered. “Not that you ever lost it.”
Lexa blushed, and her heart raced a little.
She hated that she felt this way, like a high schooler with a crush.
It all felt so familiar.
Clarke could just…curl into her arms, and it’d be their Alex playing on the carpet, and it would be Clarke’s art they were celebrating, rather than her gallery.
But life was complicated.
“I know you’re…thinking.” Clarke began softly. “About how things went wrong, but Lexa…don’t. Just…we have to take it as it is, you know? For our…children. For ourselves.”
Lexa bit her lip. “I didn’t like living without you.” She admitted.
Clarke sighed. “You think I did? I had to go home to Arkadia, Lexa. Where I met you. Where you swept me off my feet and I just…fell headfirst. God, I thought everything would just work out, you know?”
Lexa felt her heart crumble, imagining what Clarke felt, going back.
“I had to sit on our flower field, and wish it was a whole decade earlier.” Clarke whispered, and the beginnings of tears were in the corner of her eyes. “I had to imagine your arm around me, and your smile, and those nights in your guest house…”
“Stop.” Lexa shook her head. “I can’t…”
“I’m sorry.” Clarke sighed. “But…you’re with Costia now, right? I always knew she was your girl.”
“She wasn’t.” Lexa protested fiercely, and then paused, because now she was speaking ill of her own wife. When the fuck did things get so complicated?
“She was. I…I know this is going to hurt, but…we’ve been through so, so much. I…I wish we hadn’t, Lexa. I wish I’d never developed feelings for you in that stupid english class. I wish we hadn’t fallen in love, and then gone to Polis together, and moved in after, and I just think that if it never had happened, I wouldn’t be this broken.”
Lexa felt like a train had hit her.
“But…maybe that’s the way it goes. We have ups and downs, and in the end…we just come away with one thing. For me, that’s Alex, Lexa. I…” She shook her head. Alex came back, clutching her toy raccoon in her hand. She handed Lexa a bigger raccoon, smiling.
“You be mommy.” She squealed in excitement.
“You’re the baby?” Lexa whispered, and Alex nodded.
Alex noticed Clarke’s tears, and frowned. “You cry mommy.”
Clarke blinked in surprise, quickly wiping at them. “No…I’m not. It’s okay, baby girl. Don’t worry.”
Alex ran over to her toys, coming back with a stuffed lion. “S’okay, mommy.” She adorably climbed between Clarke and Lexa, stroking Clarke’s arm. “You be mommy, too.”
Clarke laughed at her daughter’s innocence, thinking that a lack of a toy and a role in her game was the reason for her tears.
“Look!” Alex grinned, holding their toys altogether. “Family!”
Lexa glanced up at Clarke, over Alex’s head, with misty eyes. They shared a longing glance, and Clarke mouthed an I love you, before Lexa’s vision went black.
Lexa sat up, startled, tears falling, breathing heavily. She glanced around herself, eyes recognizing the light of dawn, illuminating her and Clarke’s bedroom.
She glanced beside her, heart fluttering at the sight of her wife, waking up slowly from Lexa’s sudden movement, her beautiful blue eyes cracking open to see the commotion.
“Baby?” Clarke mumbled, mouth barely open. Her eyes focused on Lexa’s tear streaked face, and she sat up almost instantly, blinking rapidly. “Lexa? Baby what’s wrong? What happened?”
Lexa couldn’t really form words, so she threw her arms around her wife, hugging her so tightly that Clarke wheezed a little.
“Whoa.” Clarke murmured, hugging Lexa back. “That bad, baby?”
Lexa closed her eyes, soaking in Clarke’s warmth, her scent, her feel. Everything about her. “I love you.” Lexa whispered. “I love you and I don’t tell you enough-”
“You tell me once every hour, twenty four hours a day.” Clarke teased, her voice raspy with sleep.
“I love you. Unconditionally. Baby, no baby-”
“Baby?” Clarke raised a brow. “What baby? Alex? Did something happen?”
Lexa sighed. “…I had an awful dream.” She rubbed the back of her neck.
“Do you want to talk about it…?” Clarke blinked.
“Not yet.” Lexa admitted gently. “Can I…can you come with me?” She stood, rolling off the bed.
“…Sure.” Clarke replied gently, joining her hand with Lexa’s.
Quietly, the two made their way over to the room down the hall, closest to them. They stepped inside, and Lexa bit back a sob as she saw the old crib, the painted blue walls, the dragons and raccoons and the lions, all the stuffed animals, and then some.
“Hello mommas!” Alex was playing with her stuffed animals in bed, knowing better than to wake Clarke and Lexa up before seven, as they’d told her it was too early. Alex looked thrilled that they were up at such an hour. “You up! Play!” She shot up, adorable in her onesie, as she asked Lexa to be picked up, with grabby hands.
Her adorable, lovable, little girl. Half Clarke, half Lexa. Her greatest love.
“Hi, baby.” Lexa whispered, clutching Alex dearly, kissing every inch of her face.
Alex giggled, enjoying the attention, and Clarke smiled, raising a brow in question.
“Is everything alright, baby?” Clarke asked, and Lexa responded by pulling her into their embrace with a free arm, kissing Alex’s head, then Clarke’s.
“My girls.” Lexa murmured, enjoying the way Alex clung like a koala to her neck, and Clarke kissed her cheek.
“…Hungry.” Alex announced.
Clarke groaned. “Alex, it’s…like…six.”
“Waffles?” Alex asked, shining her puppy eyes to Lexa.
“Anything you want, baby girl.” Lexa murmured, kissing a chubby cheek with great satisfaction. “Anything.”
“Mommy too.” Alex demanded, and Lexa grinned.
“You heard the baby. Get your robe, love. I’ll cook.”
“I don’t know what kind of dream you had, but Lexa, you don’t need an epiphany to be a perfect mom and wife, you already were.” Clarke reminded softly with a smile. “This is your everyday routine.”
“I know, and I love it. I never want it to change.” Lexa informed Clarke softly.
“Bad dream?” Alex asked Lexa gently, patting Lexa’s cheek to make her feel better.
“Mhmm.” Lexa hummed with an adoring smile.
Alex nodded knowingly. “Next time…come to Alex.” She offered. “I fix it.” She pressed a kiss to Lexa’s heart, and Lexa grinned, remembering when she and Clarke had taught her that.
“Thank you.” Lexa kissed Alex’s head. “I love you, baby girl.”
“Love you momma.” Alex answered instantly, thinking nothing of it.
“And Clarke, I love you more than anything in the world, and you are a gift, and I hope I show you that every day.” Lexa murmured, leaning down for a kiss, sending a feeling of joy through her body.
“You do, baby.” Clarke murmured. “And I love you more. Now stop being weird and make us waffles. And coffee. And also…can you do it shirtless? I need some reward for waking up this early.”
Lexa laughed as Clarke and Alex lined her face with kisses.