i get it. it's still winter

Its like -2 degrees celcius and theres frost outside the air is dry and i see ppl wearing normal shoes w their ankles showing etc while ive got leggings underneath my pants and winter shows,a warm hat, thick coat n i still get sick… im weak af against the cold

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I had mentioned before how my school is just plain disgusting and here is the proof students shared online recently and this is only one day. Imagine a whole year in this school. Its an okay school but this is just wrong.

Everyone came back from winter break and when we go have breakfast/lunch the juice/milk has mold and/or roaches and they just replaced the drinks didn’t even clean anything. I ended up still getting lunch and nothing to drink but even then the food had also gone bad.

This school always has problems with this kinda stuff but no one ever complains too much because it’s just the way it always has been and they know that even if they do say anything  no one will do anything about it because they never do.

The janitors don’t clean. there is only one janitor who does their job and does it well but one guy cant clean an entire school which has thousands of students and 2 large buildings.

In our school library we have signs saying don’t touch the books and don’t take them off the shelves so why do we even have a library when the books are not to be touched??

The water is always bad and ranges from green, grey and yellow its never clear and when it is it has a strange taste almost like chlorine.

When inspections are to be done they only clean certain places and take the inspectors there and only there.

The students who posted this on twitter are being forced to write apology letters and are being threatened with suspension and/or expulsion for violating school rules and tagging news stations and district people in their twitter post drawing direct attention to it. When we have a little something called freedom of speech and when it affects our health and learning environment then its worth the risk of defying school rules and their post weren’t rude in any way only sarcasm was slightly used but no cursing or inappropriate language was used whatsoever.  So this is just wrong.  Some of you wanted to know why I said my school was gross well here it is.

3

my girls!!

 references under the cut

Keep reading

getting warmer

Garbage-ass neighbor again

My jerkwad neighbor who loves parking in my driveway parked there again this winter. He apparently didn’t learn. We had several snow storms this winter and there were advisories to not park your car in the street, for plowing purposes. Of course shit nugget still doesn’t want to pay $270 for a parking pass, where he lives. My parents were visiting, so all of our cars were in my driveway. We were having dinner, and here it is in the middle of the fucking night he doesn’t call-first, nor does he ring on the door bell. He bangs on the door [not knock, there’s a difference] interrupting dinner with my family. I ask what his problem is

“I can’t park on the street, let me park in your driveway.”

Ex-fucking-cuse me?? No “May I?” let alone a “please?” I, politely said “No, you can’t” and especially since my driveway was full and it’s MY FUCKING DRIVEWAY, I’m not going to move my parents’ cars nor mine just for him to park. He left and went to demand parking in other neighbors’ driveways. They too-know he’s a piece of shit and are long fed up with him as well, so they said no.

He comes back later after hearing him swear up and down the block. He knocks again and I tell him that he can park if he gave me $60 bucks; I wager that’s the price if he wants to take my time out from having dinner with my family to move all the cars out of my driveway and have him at the end of the driveway [so he wouldn’t be blocking us in]. He starts cursing and walks away. I didn’t care; finished dinner with my family.

The next day came about and it’s when the advisory is in effect. My parents took my dad’s car and they went to get groceries, only to come back and find that asshole parked in the driveway, AGAIN! Okay. Now you wanna play? I tried calling a truck, but they were in a delay what with getting people out of their cars and the tow-truck companies are fully booked during the winter, so I wasn’t going to wait hours. I didn’t ring his doorbell or anything because I knew his response [he pretends to not be home when it’s times to alert him of his shitdickness].

Having some warm cider in my living room, I see him leave with a friend and they go out, but he rides with his friend and leaves his car in my driveway. Lightbulbs turned on. My driveway is mostly flat, thankfully, so my dad and I jacked the rear end if his car and pivoted it out of the way, and there was barely enough to wiggle my dad’s car back into the driveway. But we got it out of the way enough that we could get cars in and out of the driveway with careful maneuvering. Now he’s still gone, and so I took the jack back under his car, and jacked the car up right on its catalytic converter. Its bent and has left a slight opening in the exhaust-work.

Also left a scratch at the bases of his door, have fun with rust, in some time. It’s pretty freaking cold out and I had brought in my garden hose for the winter, but I hooked it up to my basement sink and set it on mist and thoroughly showered his car with water, giving it a decent coating of ice over the door handles, on the windshield, and windows.

The snow gets heavy and we haven’t noticed him return yet [we figure he would return because he’d have to be flumoxed about his car being covered in ice]. We got an idea, though. The snow stopped a bit and we began some shoveling and packed mounds of snow around his car, thus making it inaccessible.

He returns and asks what happened to his car. I ask him why he parked where people shovel snow into piles. He knew damn well he parked there, but it was fun watching him take an entire day trying to melt the ice and free his car. He said he was going to call the cops, and so I told him to, he didn’t since he probably knew he would get fined and I can charge him with trespassing. Dumbass also thought it was a good idea to try and melt ice with hot water; cracked his windshield. Have fun with rust and an exhaust leak. Try it again. Play stupid ass games, win fucking stupid-ass prizes.

TL;DR Neighbor still parked in my driveway and interrupted dinner with my family, so I iced him in and left him some surprises with his car.

Some Stuff I Love Abt the LEGO Batman Movie

- “Come on guys, you’re making me look bad in front of Batman!”
- The joker’s crying face (BATMAN YOU MADE HIM CRY)
- “You mean nothing to me. No one does.”
- The fact that the horn for the Batmobile is the old “nanananana BATMAN” song
- “Remember kids, if you wanna be like Batman, take care of your abs”
- The water effects!!
- “What is the password?” “Iron Man sucks!” “Thank you.”
- The bats that fly around whenever Batman comes into the bat cave
- The fact that Bats still wears his cowl around the house
- The warm lighting effects from the fireplace in Wayne manor!!!
- Batman denying that he was looking at the family photos
- “And that weird one [phase] in 1966”
- “Master Bruce, its morning” “HISSSSSSSAAAAAAA”
- “[Beatboxing] NO”
- Batman loves his dressup parties <3
- Bruce’s helmet hair
- Harley supporting the Joker when he’s bummed out about the breakup-I mean, Batman saying he’s not his worst enemy
- The orphans singing at the Winter Gala
- “My name’s Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.” “Well kids can be cruel.”
- “I mean, all I want is to get adopted so I can finally stop being…alone”
- Harvard for Police
- The fact that Barbara is a strong WOC love interest!!!
- The fact that Batman is still a master builder as a nod to The Lego Movie
- The scuttler is a huge doggo!!
- “Blink blink blink blinkity blink blink blink”
- “I’m off the menu. You won’t get to fight any of THIS anymore!”
- The Joker leaning into the shot during the interview
- “BAAAARBARAAAA”
- “But we can’t just let him run around loose,,,in a prison,,,”
- The fact that Alfred reads parenting manuals and puts a parental lock on the computer
- “And I must say that I’ve grown rather fond of the young Lad” Alfred likes Robin D'awww!
- “Does Batman live in Bruce Wayne’s basement?” “No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman’s attic.”
- “Dress up parties are for adults only”
- Robin still has no idea that Batman is Bruce Wayne
- Robin is totally excited about having two dads!!!
- “It’s raining Dads!”
- Robin’s stunned face after the Batmobile jerks to a stop
- The good ideas tracker
- “Don’t call me dad.” “Yes papa!”
- “I’m gonna have to make up an excuse to leave this party without anyone noticing…bye.”
- Batman in denial that he’s proud of Robin
- Batman shyly hitting on Barbara
- “Ooh, a briefs man! Me too.”
- The Joker is GAY

fawn

On an especially chilly Tuesday morning when he goes out for more firewood, Levi finds the half-eaten carcass of a young fawn on his yard.

“This is most certainly not my area of expertise,” he says to no-one in particular and turns on his heel, going right back inside.

He has a gun, of course, that’s one of the first things his colleagues had advised him to bring along. It’s a sturdy hunting rifle that he’d purchased just to be safe, since from the very beginning he’d been fully aware of the predators lurking in the area. It was supposed to be just a precaution, and even now the thought that he might have to shoot something with it makes him vaguely nauseous.

When you really get down to it, he’s a scientist, not a hunter. Putting down a suffering animal he can manage, but a moving and aggressive target is a whole different issue.

Hastily cleaning his fogged glasses with the hem of his shirt, Levi realizes that he’ll have to do something about the carcass. The scent of blood can travel for miles, and if he doesn’t dispose of the thing it’ll only attract more predators.

After a second cup of coffee and some deep breaths, he sets to work.

Keep reading

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It’s getting colder, and I found myself really wanting to paint Lyra, Pan and Iorek. There’s two different versions because I couldn’t decide, + quick watercolour sketches : >

Here’s another adoptable, Lune! She’s a photographer who especially is good at capturing the beauty of winter ~~ She may be one in a series of 4 types, Idk i might get to it if people like the idea ;v; She’s only $10 and up for grabs so message me for questions or ask me for her at annekoart@gmail.com!

First come first serve, thank you! ^w^

Please do not steal this character - If you purchase, you are allowed small changes to the design and a change in name maximally. 

Lune has been adopted by @ask-schizopony! Thank you very much for buying!

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161127. Happy 24th giant! To my number source of happiness, stomach butterflies, happy tears, anger, frustration, and my guilty-pleasure, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Please, please, please stay happy and healthy! Stay motivated, passionate, and in love with music and keep inspiring people to smile and enjoy life because someone like you exist! #HappyVirusDay Let’s get infected!

anonymous asked:

How about a sad Tony that has to face the Rogue Avengers alone because the Guardians are in a mission and the Avengers are mean with him, but then the guardias return?

(what is wrong with me. I said short. This isnt short! :D hope you like it anyway.)

Tony isn’t an Avenger anymore. Or more like he never was one.

Fury told him that he was just a consultant. Always was. That he was never a real avenger and just sort of their mechanic. Sure Iron Man was great. Tony Stark? Not so much.

And now he was back to being their servant. Just a month ago Fury got the avengers back to the tower. They weren’t criminals anymore but still under a sort of arrest.

They could leave the tower but there would always be police unit with them. (Not that they could’ve stopped an angry captain america. But whatever.)

Still. They were back and Tony doesn’t know how Fury did managed that but he did. Even Barnes was there. Still frozen but in Tonys home.

And he couldn’t do anything about it or he would never be an avenger.

“Sir? Sergeant Ross on the phone.” says Friday in her monotone voice. Tony looks down at that.                

“Alright. Lets hear him.” says Tony but he doesn’t stops working. He needs to finish Clints bow today and after that he has to look after Barnes again. And Natasha wants her new jacket by tomorrow.

Tony shuts his eyes.

“Stark? Did you already read Furys report? Is there anything we can do?” asks Ross and he sounds already annoyed. Tony sighs.

He turns around and see the four folders from Fury. He hasn’t even started.

“Uh…No i have other things…and…” stutters Tony and he groans mentally. Normally he would’ve a sarcastic remark but he is…he is just tired.

“I don’t care. I need something to hold it against them.” says Ross again and Tony has to shut his eyes again.

Like kill my mom? Or keep that a secret?

“Yeah…i will do it after…” starts Tony again but Ross on-hooked already.

“Sir? Mister Quill send another message.” says Friday this time and Tony wants to scream.

“I bet about the new taser for him. I know.” says Tony and makes a gesture with his hand. He doesn’t have the time to read Peters message. Doesn’t matter how much he likes his silly letters.

He doesn’t have the time.

“Okay Friday it’s already after lunch. I have to check on Barnes.” says Tony and Friday shuts the workshop down.

Tony goes over to the elevator and can’t help himself but reads Peters message anyway. He smiles. He misses him so much. All the Guardians. Sometimes they visit him to get new tech but they write him everyday. Even Rocket.

The elevator stops and Tony sees Barnes in the corner. He sighs. Its his task to look after him and to make sure that he puts a new system in him. When he doesn’t have those words in his brain anymore Tony can wake him up.

He studies the results and nods. Looks good, but its still not enough to wake him up. He needs to be sure or the winter soldier would do something really bad again.

And…then its Tonys fault. Again.

“Sometimes i wish i could kill you…” says Tony towards Barnes. He isn’t sure if Barnes can hear him, but he hopes he doesn’t.

Sometimes i wish everything would’ve gone another way. Sometimes i wish we could have been friends, Barnes. You seemed like a nice guy when you didn’t fight me.

“Maybe you would like to think over your words again.”

Tony is so close to screaming at that but he only does a little whimper.

“What are you doing here?” asks Tony when he calmed himself down again. Steve shrugs.

“Looking after him. And hearing you threaten him.” says Steve and he looks so disappointed in Tony.

“Hm.” says Tony and puts the results back on the table.

“Is he ready?” asks Steve when Tony sits down on that chair.

“No.” is Tony only answer and this time he jerks away when Steve hits onto the table in front of him.

“Damnit! Tony you said it would only take you days! Now its been weeks.” says Steve and he is angry. Tony is so glad the shield isn’t with him or he would’ve freak out.

“I-i’m sorry.” says Tony and tries to busy himself with the results again.

“Ey Stark!” says Clint now. Tony hasn’t seen him enter the room. But it doesn’t matter.

“Hm?” says Tony again and he doesn’t look up.

“Where’s my bow?” asks Clint and Tony sighs. He forgot it in the workshop. And its not finished either.

“Not ready.” says Tony softly but Clint groans.

“Dude you have like what one task and you can’t even do that?” says Clint and Tonys next breath is a bit watery.

“He hasn’t finished Buckys process either.” says Steve and Tony makes himself smaller.

“Man i know that he got old but that he doesn’t even remember to do the things we tell him.” says Clint and he laughs at that.

Tony wishes he could go now. But is afraid to move. What if Steve beats him again?

“I told you we should find another mechanic.” Wanda stands in the doorway and her glimpse is so cold. Tony can see a bit of red in her eyes and he looks quickly away.

“Yeah i think Shield can help us.” says Clint now and Tony wants to laugh. Wants so say: yeah and who pays for everything you want or destroy? Or: yeah try and find a genius like me!

But he just swallows. He is done.

“Ohhh looks like we are a bit late for the party.” says now someone and Tony gasps. Peter stands there and he looks angry.

Oh no, thinks Tony, he is also angry at me. Fuck he should’ve done his taser first.

“Quill.” says Steve and he even rolls his eyes. The Avengers and the Guardians aren’t friends. At all. But the Guardians work together with them sometimes. Its how they’ve met.

“Where is the raccoon.” snickers Clint and when Rocket shows up a moment later he hisses at Clint. Tony would like to smile at that but he is still afraid.

“Hey Tony.” says Peter and then goes over to him. He lays his hand on Tonys shoulder. Tony holds his breath.

“So what exactly are you doing here?” asks Peter and Tony wants to explain that he was just looking for Barnes and then he would go back in his workshop and do the bow. And the taser. And Natashas jacket.

But Peter doesn’t look at him. He looks at Steve.

“We talked to Tony about a few … disagreements.” says Steve and Rocket snicker at that.

“Looked more like you threaten our friend.” says Rocket and he hops on Clints shoulder. The archer doesn’t flinch but Tony can see Rockets sharp claws in Clints shoulder.

“And if you do that again we might have to hurt you. Drax you would like that, right?” says Peter and Drax grins.

“I want to take the Captain. He looks like he could use a punch.” laughs Drax at that and Steve frowns at that.

“I will remember that. So if you are going to yell at Tony ever again or only say something that we don’t like, we will take care of you, do you understand me?” says Peter and when Clints start to open his mouth Rocket claws him again.

“He should just finish his job.” says Wanda now and in a blink Gamora his behind her. Her sword at Wandas neck.

“He can do what he wants. He isn’t your employee. You should feel lucky that he even does a single thing for you, after what you did to him, witch.” says Gamora and Wandas eyes glow red.

“Try harder. You know your little magic isn’t working on me or Drax.” says Gamora grinning. And she is right. Tony doesn’t know why but its useless.

“Okay stop! I don’t understand why you are so angry.” says Steve and Peter turns to him.

“Because you treat our friend like shit! And i won’t let you do that anymore. So be thankful if he helps you, but if he doesn't… well tough luck.” says Peter and when he holds his hand up, Rocket jumps back to the ground and Gamora puts her sword away.

“Alright.” says Steve even though he looks still so angry.

A moment later Tony is alone with the guardians. He is still shaken a bit.

“Oh uh… i will start with your Taser now.” says Tony and when he wants to stand up, Peter holds him down.

“Nope. Wanna tell us what that was?” asks Peter and Tony shakes his head. He isn’t even sure what it was.

“Alright. Tony you know that you are an avenger, too right? You can tell them to go fuck themselves. You should take a break when you need it.” says Gamora and she smiles at him.

“I’m not…” says Tony and looks down at his hands. They shake.

“What?” asks Rocket and jumps on the table right in front of Tony.

“I’m only a consultant.” says Tony and he sounds as bitter as he feels.

“I hate humans.” says Drax.

“I am Groot.” says Groot.

“Yeah i hate humans but Peter and Tony.” says Drax then.

“A consultant? Fuck that. You are right you aren’t an Avenger.”  says Peter and he claps Tonys shoulder.

Its hurts even more when somebody else says it outloud.

“Because you are a guardian of the galaxy.” finishes Peter and Tony looks up at him.

“What?”

“He means if you want. You are welcome on our team.” says Gamora and Rocket climbs onto his lap.

“We are already a weird family. So you should join.” grins Rocket and Tony laughs watery.

“Really?” he asks because of course he wants that!

“Really. And for now. Forget about those idiots. What do you want to do?” asks Peter and Tony shrugs.

“Still need to finishes Clints bow. And Natasha’s jacket. Your taser. Oh and Ross told me i should read…” says Tony and he knows that he babbles.

Drax laughs.

“Wrong. You need to watch a movie with us.” says Peter and Groot shrieks at that.

“I am Groot.”

“Yeah and eat ice-cream.” laughs Gamora and Tony can’t believe his luck.

And when he cried when he gets is official guardian jacket, well nobody needs to know.

Besides Peter who kisses him silent, when Tony stars babble again.

anonymous asked:

YOU SHIP QROWIN OH MYGOD - ahem. Can we expect more art of them in the future ??? :D

YOU’D BE SURPRISED because I definitely will spam a lot of them

Have a charity ball AU thing where our fav snowbirds is stuck and forced to call it truce for a night (the peace of both kingdoms is at sake so they better act like mature adults they’re supposed to be for once)

Then things start getting a little worked up

Wolf!Wonwoo

Requested by anon: The Wonwoo fic and Taeyang fic are so freaking cute and they are so well written too omg! Please write more fics for the both of them as they’re my favourites (: Wolf!au? Thank you ((((:

Requested by anon: Wolf!au for wonwoo or woozi! Thank you and I love your works!!

so i got the same au request i hope both of these suited your taste! LIKE I SAID I HAVE OVERWHELMING FEELS FOR WONWOO SO THIS IS PROBABLY LIKE THE LONGEST HEADCANON I’VE EVER WRITTEN THIS IS SUPER LONG OMG BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOY EVERYONE!!!! BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE WONWOO IMAGINES :)))) if you weren’t satisfied please send me another request!

  • oKAY NO LIE I WAS LITERALLY THINKING ABOUT THIS LAST NIGHT
  • I was lying in bed and was just like “hm you know wonwoo really resembles a wolf????”
  • aND THE NEXT THING I KNOW I HAVE 2 REQUESTS ABOUT THIS AU LMAO
  • I love jeon wonwoo anyways
  • You lived near a very dense forest with your grandpa
  • Since it was a small town, there could only be so many things that could happen before word travels
  • Ofc nothing ever happens in your small town the most eventful thing was when the local market ran out of your favorite potato chips like honEST TO GOD
  • But as of late there’s been more signs of wildlife in the forest and everyone is lowkey freaking out like what is this we haven’t even had livestock in 80+ years????
  • Thanks to the dense forest there’s been showing a steadily increase in deer population yay!!!! But also what!!!!
  • With deer ofc comes…………
  • Wolves
  • Packs and packs of them
  • You’re worried for your life what if a wolf is gonna attack you one day since you’re right next to their habitat!!!!!
  • Your grandpa is just like lmao y/n chill i was a hunter back in the days we’ll be fine
  • It was a chillier day than usual in the winter and temperatures were dramatically dropping

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Hi! I love your re-tellings so much! can you re-tell my favourite norse myth? it's the one about Sleipnir *grins*

I have a confession to make here. I was supposed to do this one back in May, but real life took over and it did not occur. However, it has totally occurred now. Look at it occurring right here. 

If you don’t want to read a poorly retold tale about the perils of freelance masonry, press J on your keyboard to skip it now, as this is a long post. Facts and whatnot under the Read More, as usual!

Why I can’t watch War Horse

OK, so. This story is set right at the start, when all the worlds are new and the Æsir have just built Valhalla and Justin Bieber hasn’t completed his metamorphosis from tiny tween poptart to unthinkable eldritch monstrosity. It’s a long time ago, that’s what I’m saying. Anyway, one day, the Æsir are just hanging around, doing stuff that Æsir like to do on their days off, like getting drunk and eating meat and braiding each other’s hair, when this huge dude just walks right up to them and clears his throat. The Æsir are like “who even are you? This is our super special hall of alcohol and raw animal flesh, you can’t just waltz in here like someone’s maiden auntie. If Thor were here, he’d totally go upside your head with his super special hammer, but luckily for you, he’s off fighting trolls, so we’ll just probably kill you with axes and shit.”

At that, the dude raises his hands in surrender and he’s like “yo guys, I’m not a frost giant. That is the absolute last thing that I am. If you were to make a list of 10 things that I am, ‘frost giant’ would not even be anywhere near that list. It would probably be on a list called something like ’10 things I am definitely not, 100%’. But hey, I’ll forgive the insult, because I’m selling and you’re buying, and what I am selling is a building opportunity, and that is also what you are buying” and the Æsir are like “that was a very confusing sales pitch, could you maybe elaborate further and possibly include some salient details, like your rates and your certificate of incorporation and maybe what you’re actually talking about” and the builder guy is all “well, what I am talking about is a giant wall” and the Æsir are like “oh my us, we fucking love giant walls, please lubricate our godly ears with more of your sweet honey tales” and the builder puffs up his impressive chest and says “I will elaborate fully in just a few moments, but firstly can I just check something? Did you say that Thor wasn’t here?” and the Æsir do one big synchronised nod and they’re all “he’s off killing trolls, which is probably a euphemism for killing frost giants and also trolls” and the builder is like “sweet, in that case, let me make you an offer that you can’t refuse, or at the very least an offer that you can absolutely refuse but that you would regret refusing until your dying day”.

So, the builder launches into this amazing sales pitch, with a flow chart and a graph and some stickers in the shape of smiley faces and stars, and at the end of it, he summarises his pitch by saying “so, in conclusion, I am offering to build you a very big wall in order to keep out trolls and frost giants and double glazing salesman, and all I’m asking for in return is the sun and the moon and also Freyja” and the Æsir are like “this is a very reasonable offer, we’ll consider it” and Freyja is like “hang on, can we maybe negotiate his rates, this seems a bit steep to me” and the Æsir are all “Freyja, with all due respect, you know absolutely nothing about the economy” and Freyja says “no, but seriously, can we maybe just talk about this for a moment, because I don’t think we’re getting a very good deal here, there must be a competitive market for wall building” and the Æsir are about to silence her again when Loki stands up. He raises his hands benevolently and he’s all “guys, I’m the best at negotiation here – I think we can all appreciate the time I managed to negotiate Thor into wearing a dress” and the others are like “when did that happen?” and he’s all “well, technically it hasn’t happened yet, but mythological canon means that the people hearing this story are probably already aware of it, so let’s gloss over that aspect and just assume that I’m great” and the Æsir just agree, because honestly it’s easier that way.

Loki walks up to the builder and folds his arms, doing his best impression of Lord Sugar before he got all weird and started ranting on Twitter about Piers Morgan and popular East London-based BBC soap operas, and says “we agree to your rates, but we’re going to impose some conditions, and if you don’t meet both of them, you won’t get any payment but we’ll still get to keep the wall. Firstly, you have to complete the work in a single winter, which might sound a bit like a fool’s errand, but remember that this is a Norse myth and it’s basically always winter, so if you think about it, we’re being exceptionally generous. Secondly, you’re not allowed to have any man to help you. Not one single solitary man. Zero men. None at all. Is that clear?” and the builder bites his lip for a moment and asks “so, let me get this straight. I’m not allowed a man to help me?” and Loki narrows his eyes and says “no, not even one” and the builder is like “no man at all? Absolutely 0% of a man? Man to the power of zero, minus one?” and Loki is like “yes, I thought I was very clear on that point if I’m honest” and the builder is like “so I can totally get my magic horse to help me?” and Loki says “ah. Well, you totally diddled me on that one. Ha, I feel embarrassed now. I guess this moment will come back to haunt me in horrendous fashion. Well, we’ve agreed, so it looks like you can have your magic horse, then. Wow, this is going in my diary” and the builder is like “ace, I’ll get to work right away, Freyja is going to look so good on my mantelpiece” and he goes off to begin his work. 

A few months go past, and eventually the winter begins to draw to a close. The wall is nearly finished, because the builder’s horse, Svadilfari, turns out to be absolutely incredible. Like, the builder is quite good – he’s particularly skilled at doing those little cornices that really add an air of sophistication to the even the most functional architecture – but Svadilfari is just something else. He can lift the weight of ten normal horses, pull twenty carts at once, and his masonry is just a textbook example of the craft. By the last week of winter, the wall is hundreds of feet high and absolutely unassailable, and there’s only a tiny gap left to be completed. Obviously, the Æsir are kind of pissed off about this, having grown kind of attached to the sun and the moon and also Freyja, and so they decide to hold a meeting.

At the meeting, Freyja is all “so, are you guys regretting not driving a harder bargain yet?” and the Æsir are like “we are absolutely blameless in this, it was Loki who said he could use the horse” and Loki says “in fairness, it was all a matter of semantics. It could have happened to any devious trickster god” and the Æsir are like “we could probably make a pun here about scapegoats and horses, but instead we’re just going to tell you that it’s up to you to make sure that he doesn’t finish that damn wall” and Loki asks “what exactly will happen if he finishes the wall?” and Freyja is like “I will personally strangle you myself with my bare hands after my unfortunate wedding, because a lifetime in jail is preferable to being married to that man” and Loki is all “fine, I’ll fix it, as per usual. Trickster god? More like fixter god, am I right?” and before the gods can deservedly beat him into a bloody pulp for that pun, he scampers off.

Back at the wall, the builder and the horse are working at a leisurely pace, just trading jokes about Game of Thrones and Stardust and other wall-based pop culture texts, when suddenly Svadilfari catches the scent of some sweet lady horse pheromones. He turns around, dropping an entire load of masonry as he does so, only to see an absolutely goddamn beautiful lady horse standing right behind him. Now, I feel kind of weird describing a horse as beautiful, but you know those pictures of animals that are floating around the internet with comments like ‘this horse is more beautiful than me’ and ‘this cat has eyes like fucking limpid pools’ and ‘where did that chicken get its highlighter from, because that glow is gorgeous’? Just apply those appreciative comments to your mental image of this horse. Being a horse, Svadilfari’s appreciation of this fine equine specimen is much less ‘if I were a horse, I would want to be that one’ and more ‘I am a horse, and I want to mount that one’, and so he chases right after her, leaving the builder alone with a pile of cracked masonry, and he doesn’t come back.

A week passes, and the builder is still struggling to finish the last section of the wall when winter finally ends. The Æsir rush over to him just as he’s putting in one of the last stones, and they say “right, winter is over and there’s still a fucking huge gaping hole in our wall” and the builder blanches and he’s like “it’s not a hole, it’s a feature window” and the Æsir are like “but you promised it would be an impregnable wall, which seems incompatible with feature windows” and the builder is like “well, I was going to fill it with stone just now to make it a secure feature window” and the Æsir are all “so what you’re saying is that you were going to put a stone in that hole” and the builder is like “yes” and the Æsir are like “so you were going to finish building the wall, essentially” and the builder slumps his shoulders and says “in a nutshell, yes” and the Æsir say triumphantly “just so that we’re on the same page here, are you saying that you haven’t finished putting stones into the holes needed to be filled in order to complete the impenetrable wall?” and this is apparently the catalyst for the builder to fly into an absolutely stupendous rage. He starts screaming and swearing like Freyja on a Friday night, and suddenly Loki has a brainwave. He leans over to Freyja and says “did this man ever show us his General Business License?” and Freyja shakes her head, and Loki is like “what about his certificate of VAT incorporation?” and Freyja shrugs, and Loki says “not even his IRS form W-9?” and Freyja whispers “literally nothing, now can you stop talking? I’m trying to get some tips on how to have a terrifying temper tantrum, you just can’t read about this shit” and Loki is like “listen, I have very good reason to believe that this man is not a builder at all, but is actually a frost giant.”

As soon as Loki has said those words, a huge roar begins to rumble over the mountains, and like a distant cousin at the rattling of your grandmother’s purse, Thor suddenly appears. He glares the Æsir, eyes flashing and voice booming, and he’s all “did someone say ‘frost giant’?” and Loki points at the builder and says “I said it, but I was directing it at this fellow here, so maybe you could stop looking at me like I’ve done something terrible, even if that is generally the case, and start knocking some sense into and also maybe some organs out of him” and Thor picks up Mjolnir and does just that.

As Thor is doing his job, the Æsir turn to Loki and they’re all “so, how did you get the builder to slow down?” and Loki shudders and he’s like “you don’t want to know” and Freyja says “I really want to know, because I owe you one and I want to know what to write in your thank-you card”. Loki sighs and he’s like “let’s just say that I horsed around” and the Æsir all blink in synchronicity, not understanding what the Hel Loki is talking about, and so he adds “I acted less than cheval-rously” and Freyja says “can you maybe explain without using horse-based puns” and Loki is like “look, I turned into a horse and I fucked the builder’s stallion, I’m not proud of it” and the Æsir are just silent for a few moments, and then Freyja is like “did you at any point consider just stealing the builder’s horse instead” and Loki is all “you don’t know me, you don’t know what I’m about” and Freyja is like “you could have just led it away with a sugar cube” and Loki says “I am a Trickster god, just trust me on this one” and Freyja says “I am not writing you a thank-you card any more, but I will absolutely write you a recommendation for some serious therapy” and they all leave Loki to ruminate about his sins to the stirring ballad of Thor’s battle cries. 

So, the Æsir have a brand spanking new wall which they got for free, and the whole thing is essentially a parable for the dangers of conducting freelance business in an unstable economic environment. But that’s not the end of the story, because a few months later, Loki gives birth to the offspring of Svadilfari in the form of a splendid eight-legged horse named Sleipnir, who Odin takes one look at and decides to use as his own noble steed, because nothing gives you bragging rights at the stable quite like being able to say “this horse is my own grandson in Marvel canon”.

My other retellings can be found here; my dedicated mythology blog is here; and my Mythology Mondays Facebook page is here. Sugar cubes all round.

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Sometimes before it gets better
The darkness gets bigger
The person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger
We’re fading fast
I miss missing you now and then.

HEY! I’M OPENING COMMISSIONS Y'ALL!

(you can look through the recent posts in the marzdraws tag for more examples of my work)

So, even with everyone working, our household is having some trouble saving up for some much-needed items!

My PayPal is paypal.me/marzdraws. I’ll start once payment is received. Expect to wait about a week unless you want multiple characters which will be an additional $15 each.

If you’re interested, send me a message and we can work things out~ And please reblog this to boost if you can, thank you!