i forgot about this lol but i am determined to see this through!!!

[FANACCT] 170611 KNK “해달별" Fansign Experience at 제일라아트홀 (Fanboy)

Hi again! 

I’m here with my fanaccount for KNK’s fansign during their “해달별" promotions.

This was a notably important fansign for me because I’m pretty sure this is my last fansign event before I leave Korea on the 22nd…

I’m so sad. ㅠㅠ

Anyway, it was a really awesome event and I’m glad I got to see my favorite group up close and personal again.

I did a video about their fansign before during “U” era too.

Without further ado, let’s get started!

KNK’s fansigns are getting more competitive nowadays, with fans buying more than 10 albums to have a chance to get in. I originally bought 9 albums, but after seeing a fan next to me at the CD store buy 10, I bought 3 more, totaling up to 12 albums overall. And I got in!

On the day of the fansign, I found the building where it was held and headed to the B2 floor. Some fans were waiting to get in, but the staircase and entrance was rather narrow. I showed my Alien Registration Card to verify my identification (though a passport works just as well) and the staff told me to pick a card that was on the table. The assorted cards were all face-down, and this was to determine my seat number. I got number 63. 

I took my seat, but the rows of chairs were all close together and narrow too, not allowing much room. This was a noticeable inconvenience when fans had to squeeze past each other in the rows. I spent a huge amount of time before coming to prepare a fanletter for my bias Seungjun, so I had to write down all the post-its for the members that I would put in my album.

Soon the members appeared and the fansign went underway. They looked so handsome as always, but they look especially good with the suits in this era aghhhh. 

Sorry that my picture’s quality isn’t too good, but this is how the fansign was conducted. The order was: Jihun→Inseong→Seungjun→Youjin→Heejun

MEMBER INTERACTIONS (with pictures and gifs!)

I’ll fast-forward to the interactions I had with each member. I’m sorry that I forgot some things that happened, but in the thick of the moment, it’s hard to process and take in everything that happened (for me). Luckily, I met someone at the fansign that was kind enough to take a video of me when I went through this great experience. I was really nervous again, because they’re my favorite group and this was my last time, so I was even more anxious. 


So leader Jihun was first this time around~ Actually he was rather quiet today as well; when I met him at a fansign last year, he was rather soft-spoken too. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I pointed to the questions I had brought for him on the post-its and told him I was a part of an international KNK fan group on Facebook, and I gathered some questions other Tinkerbells wanted to know about KNK. He was listening and then all of a sudden, said, “Ah. International,” in English. THAT WAS FREAKING CUTE AHH. He was really handsome up-close, though. He looked mature and cool when he was in thinking mode, but then he lapsed into squishy mode when he smiled and it was just adorable.

He really thought deeply about the questions I wrote. I guess he had to think a lot about how to answer them. But another factor was that time was really limited and the staff members were quite strict so they moved our albums to the next member by force, cutting our time short. 

Blue post-it note:
Q: Which member is really the closest to Jihun-hyung…?
A: I’m close with all but umm… Heejun?!
Jihun had some trouble answering this question but dang, I didn’t expect him to think so seriously about it. ㅠㅠ I’m sorry if I had to make you pick a favorite! I know you all love each other LOL. 

Yellow post-it note:
Q: Where do you draw the inspiration when you make the choreography (for KNK)?
A: There’s just times when suddenly… Ttak! 
I forgot what other little things we said after he answered those, but I had to move on. I gave him high-fives as a farewell and moved over to… Inseong!


Next was my second bias, Inseong. I greeted him by saying, “Inseonggie hyung~” hahaha because he’s just a fun, cool guy. He grinned and asked, “Hyung?” I SWEAR THIS WAS SO REMINISCENT WHEN I FIRST MET HIM in person when he asked me, “Am I hyung?” LOL. But he is just killing the visual game nowadays. He looked especially handsome today. He asked me where I’m from and I told him America, more specifically Hawaii. 

Bottom post-it note:
Q: Is there a place you really want to visit (vacation-wise)?
A: Hawaii

That’s probably why he cleverly wrote his answer as “Hawaii” for my question, but I’m not complaining! Inseong is really easy to talk to. 
I told him that his hairstyle for this concept suits him very well and that he looks really handsome. He was really happy to hear a compliment and ahhh he was just an excited hamster. I assured him that he was already handsome but now, even more. I basically complimented him a lot because he deserves more love and attention!!

Top post-it note:
Q: The most difficult point of this promotion…?

A: Live…!?

He explained that singing live was one of the toughest parts of promotions. I asked why, and he said it’s because he has to sing rather high. I understand him because him singing the chorus in “해달별" while dancing pretty vigorously looked really tiring… But he pulled it off! I told him he was really good and that he’s doing well. I feel like he was insecure a little about his performance as a vocalist and how well he does and I wanted to reassure him. It was time to move on so I told him bye~ Inseong really does have a warm heart and he’s such a nice person please give him lots of affection and reassurance


*sigh* I really can’t express how great and caring Seungjun is. I can tell he truly loves and adores his fans, and it shows from the way he treats them. He said my name like, “Junior?” in a cute tone and I said cutely too, “Seungjunnie-hyung~” AHAHAHAHA. He immediately looked at my questions and more antics ensued.

Blue post-it note:
Q: POKEMON or DIGIMON, you can only choose one
A: *marks Pokemon* but went the extra mile to show his UNCONDITIONAL PREFERENCE FOR DIGIMON LIKE WHAT THE NOOOOOOO

Yellow post-it note:
Q: Is there a member you want to live with for the rest of your life?
A: Inseong Jihun

At first, he took a look at the blue note and I reiterated, “You can only choose one!” Without hesitation, he answered, “Digimon!” I was like WHAT THE HECK, NO YOU CAN’T CHOOSE DIGIMON OVER POKEMON OMGG.

He was so firm, he was like, “Digimon~” in a cute tone and I told him, “Why??” He seemed a bit sympathetic and marked Pokemon, but said, “Digimon~” again and decorated a box around the word Digimon. DANG IT SEUNGJUN. I was like OTL because I came dressed in a Squirtle hoodie because I thought he loved Pokemon more but that happened. I mockingly complained, “I came dressed like this too…” Seungjun chuckled and then proceeded to gently grab my arm and draw a little heart on the Squirtle patch design on my hoodie!!!

SJ: *in a Korean accent* Hearteu~
I internally died at this cute action like I AM NEVER WASHING THIS HOODIE AGAIN LOL

I also made sure to give him the letter I worked on. He then looked at my second post-it, which he thought about for a moment. At first, Seungjun wrote Inseong, so I asked him why. He said because Inseong is funny. BUT THEN LAST MINUTE Seungjun scratches out Inseong’s name and writes Jihun AND HE DIDN’T EVEN GIVE A REASON WHY LOL. So that made think like HMMMMM this ship really sails itself huh… Now I had to tell him that this was pretty much my last chance to see them…

Me: Actually, on the 22nd, I’m leaving Korea, so this is my last chance to see you guys. I’m really glad I got to see you guys often while I was here.
SJ: *in a cute pleading voice* Don’t go~ (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)
Me: I don’t wanna leave either!

And then this happened.

OMG I was so flustered when he asked when I’ll be back with that cheeky smile that I accidentally lapsed into English hahahaha. He probably didn’t understand what I said, but I had to move on ㅠㅠ!! Wait for me Seungjun, I’ll be back!! I really want to cry now… Hahahaha. And it ended cutely because I kept shaking his hand, and then…

Thank goodness. He is the best and he’s always so sweet!!


Okay I’m going to start off my account of Youjin because right when I got to him, he asked me, “Are you a fan of Seungjun?” BWAHAHAHA he called me out!! I told him that I liked all the members but yeah, Seungjun was my fave… If he noticed that, then wow… 

And then it was like another round of deja vu because I told him I was from Hawaii and that he should come, and he replied, “I want to go too!” LIKE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE SAID LAST YEAR AT THE FIRST FANSIGN LOL.

He looked over my questions and I told him they were from other international fans. He got super excited over the Overwatch question and his inner fanboy came out. 

Yellow post-it note:
Q: Which heroes (do you use) when you play Overwatch?
A: Roadhog, Reinhardt, and… the last part was a bit illegible but I think he wrote the name of a Korean Overwatch player named 후아유. [If anyone wants to help me out with deciphering that, it’d be much appreciated~]

He was so happy when talking about his mains for OW, but I had to tell him that I actually didn’t know the game at all loooool. I wish I could’ve nerded out with him but idk ㅋㅋㅋ He even asked me, “Isn’t Overwatch quite popular in America?” lmaooo which is true but yeah, I’m clueless.

Blue post-it note:
Q: What are you most afraid of??
A: Bugs! 1인칭 horror game.

So Youjin seems to be the least fearful in the group so I also wanted to know what scares him. He wrote “bugs” and I couldn’t believe like this guy didn’t flinch for the ghost prank or a VR zombie slashing him but he’s afraid of insects??



But Youjin is a cool chill guy who loves gaming so hit him up yo


Heejun, Heejun, Heejun. You never know how he’ll be like. I heard from a friend that he’s different every time which is kinda true. The first time I met him, he was comical but on the quiet side, and we were kinda awkward… BUT THIS TIME WAS JUST OMG LOL.
He spoke some English to me even though I was talking to him in Korean which was cute. He said things like, “Where are you from?” and “Really?” Soooo silly. I complimented him on his English pronunciation and I DIDN’T NOTICE THIS UNTIL MY FRIEND SHOWED ME THE FOOTAGE SHE TOOK AND-

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Heejun’s also quite chill but he’s so funny agh.

Yellow post-it note: 
Q: Is there a concept you want to try?
A: BTS’ Blood, Sweat, Tears 
hOLY SHIZ IS IT WEIRD THAT I CAN ALREADY IMAGINE HEEJUN IN THAT KIND OF CONCEPT? he already bares his chest sometimes like omfg and I can totally see him pulling it off like shiz I AM READY

Blue post-it note:
Q: Heejun-ah~ Please write down your favorite color!!
A: Black, gray
Heejun forgot because he even asked himself out loud, “Which colors do I like?” I told him, “Why don’t you know??” HAHAHA. 

I told him I was l was leaving soon and he just replied, “When will you be back?” LOL. IDK, I wish I knew, then I wouldn’t have to leave y’all ㅠㅠ I told him bye and he was like, “bye bye!!!” 

Later on, the members picked random seat numbers from a box and the chosen fans could take a selca with them. SO LUCKYY. I WASN’T CHOSEN BUT UGH IT’S OKKK. 

Then they played 공기, which is a Korean bean game similar to Jacks. Jihun got really competitive and he almost kicked the stage LMAOOOO. Seungjun was really bad at it and he ended up last. Youjin was first, followed by Inseong, Heejun and finally Jihun secured a place by a hair. Seungjun’s punishment was dancing to their title track with aegyo LOOOOOL he tried his best but he looked so awkward omg

And that was it.
My last fansign with them.

I love them so much, because they’re all so wholesome and show their personalities unabashedly. All of them are SO DIFFERENT and the dynamics are just so interesting and charming. 

SORRY I cut it a little at the end but I have to go to class ㅠㅠ I’ll tweak this a bit later maybe but I hope y’all enjoyed this!!!!

Favorite Things-chapter 3

Favorite Things Masterlist (Max, The Resident)

Summary- Max let’s his needs take over.

Warnings- Fluff, Non-Con Voyeurism, Smut, Masturbation, Angst

Author’s Note- Yeah, so Max is not a pure fluffy bunny (per se) in this fic. He is still going to do his creepy thing. That begins now. Quick chapter tonight. I live for comments and feedback. This isn’t beta’d even though my husband has offered…he doesn’t know I’ve branched off from Negan yet. Lol. Hey, honey!

Word Count-1.1k-ish

Tag List- If you want on or off, let me know.  Sorry if I forgot anyone..just remind me. Thanks!

@ali-pennell @stone-met @warriorqueen1991 @sherrybaby14 @unicorn-blood-splatter @flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash @ladylorelitany @melodicdolls @ninjacuddlepile @neganscatleesi @thatwriterizzy @sassyfiedscribbles @ashzombie13 @wadeyourebarelyalive @starshinesupergirl @adayinmymeadow @astrangegirlsmind @jeffreydeanmorganrarechar

Originally posted by heartfulloffandoms

Max stood and stared at her door. He put the food containers on the ground and knocked with a new found determination. Avonlea answered her eyes barely able to meet his. He crossed the threshold, wrapped an arm around her waist, and pulled her body against his. His other hand caressed her neck. His thumb resting lightly along her jaw. He bent forward and gently pressed his lips against hers. His mouth moved in slow open kisses coaxing her lips apart. His tongue softly dipped into her mouth. Her body relaxed, and her hands traveled up his chest, around his neck, and into his hair. She pulled him closer as her tongue began to move with his. He pressed his lips harder against her. Their movements became frenzied in their passion. Their bodies pressed against each other in search of friction. She moaned into his mouth. A hair’s breadth away from carrying her to the bedroom, Max pulled back. He leaned his forehead and against hers as they both sought to catch their breath.

Keep reading

Fast Firsts and Sloppy Seconds Part 3.5

A Rowaelin/Manorian AU

God this part was so hard, I was super stuck, super distracted, the second half was just NOT happening - but then finally around like 1 AM I fell into a grove, lol. It’s currently Friday, 3:25 AM EST, but only 9:25 PM on Thursday in Hawaii!! This is the last one I’m doing this late, I swear to god. Tags are gonna have to be in a reblog, because I’m kind of deceased rn. Thanks for sticking with me, guys, love you all <3 As usual apologies for typos, the chapter didn’t make actually make it to Becca again
Happy reading!

EDIT: JUST FUCKING KILL ME. I was in bed, all happy and shit, it’s 3:56 am rn, and then I shot up, because I realized that I forgot to trigger warn, and I am SO sorry!!!! Luckily no notes  yet, so that’s good, and I had added a cut, so that’s also good!
Trigger Warning: It’s nothing too bad, just vague mentions of child abuse towards the end, but I wanted to make sure everyone reading is okay, and prepared, and can avoid it if they want to.
Love you guys, gnight! :) <3

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3     Part 4

Dorian was losing terribly. Manon was entirely invested in the game, her darts hitting their mark almost every time. To be fair though, Dorian wasn’t trying very hard. It’s not that he wasn’t focused, however. He was particularly focused on the way she looked in those shorts. On the way her shirt barely climbed up her body every time she thrust her hand forward. On the way her eyebrows scrunched together when the dart was so close, but not quite where she wanted it. On the way she cheered every time she did hit her mark. On the fact that she was intentionally avoiding his eyes and keeping a healthy distance between them. Dorian was incredibly focused. Just, not on the game at hand.

“That’s the third time I’ve beat you in the last half hour!” She turned to him, smiling once again, and regretted it immediately. The heat in his eyes hit her like a wave as he scanned her body, his eyes lingering over her breasts and between her legs.

That was why. That was why she had avoided it – avoided meeting his eyes. She lost all conviction, all ability to breathe, under that gaze. And  in no way did she like it. Her eyes quickly flicked away from him, desperate for something anything else to occupy her mind other than her desperate need to tear off his clothes. Because she couldn’t. Right then, she knew she couldn’t. She knew she simply wouldn’t survive. Not then, not with that boy.

Keep reading

Stressed Out MC feat. RFA

(Hello everyone! Here I thought I’d demonstrate an example of my writing style. I hope you all enjoy it.)


×Youve been nothing but supportive for him, encouraging him, and attempting to be closer only for him to push you away.

× While dealing with guests and with Seven constantly avoiding you, it’s no wonder you’re starting to lose your head a little.

× It just so happens that a crying MC curled up in a ball with her phone in her hand was enough to indicate to Seven how much you were suffering.

× He instantly attempted to call you, but the tables turned when you hit the decline button.

×Seven swore under his breath as he contemplated what to do, he knew that her pain wasn’t a joke. He swore this was a disaster but there was no other way around it. He constantly called you, repeatedly while his eyes remained undetering from the screen.

×After all the times that you’ve been there for him, he had to be there for you. So when you answered the phone..

×Silence was on the other end.
“MC? I’m so so so so sorry!” Seven pleaded, guilt written in his features. But, only you couldn’t see it.

×"I know I’ve not been there, and I’ve been a huge prick. You’ve been doing so much for the RFA-“

×You sobbed, saying you were stressed. The conversation led to him attempting to make you laugh, all while ending with him spamming you with memes. And nothing could pull this night off with the sincerest of words.

[I] “I love you.”


× With home life, and the RFA, and the secrets of Rika’s apartment and everyone’s expectations of you. You burst into a loud fit of sobs that seemed to echo throughout the only memory of Rika: her apartment.

×You were constantly held up to a standard, everyone’s offered their help. However, to Zen you were a beautiful constellation in his eyes. When he didn’t see you in the chatroom, answering in a vague tone. Your man got worried.

×Zen called, only for him to hear sniffling on the other end. His heart sank as you tried to compose yourself.

×"Z-zen?“ You managed to mutter as you wiped your cheeks with the back of your hand. Damn, that should have been him. Between his cast, his rehearsals, he couldn’t have seen sooner just how much you were suffering.

× "What’s the matter?” Zen cooed, “Where are you right now?”

“At the apartment.”

Zen felt a lightbulb go off in his head.

“Give me an hour.”

He hung up rather abruptly, leaving you confused and a tad disheartened.
But in that hour later, Zen was a man of his word.

“I’m giving you a ticket to one of my shows! Come over!”

Of course you couldn’t reveal the apartment aadress, but, you awaited at a different location while Zen showed up wearing a biker jacket and a pair of jeans. Damn, he looked like a model. You couldn’t help but be in awe.

His smirk quickly vanished as easily as it appeared as his form was infront of you. Cupping your cheeks with his hand. He showered you with kisses and helped strap a helmet onto you.

× Bonus points for your arms being wrapped around his waist.

When you got to his home, which you have been here before. (I mean c'mon you two are dating) he attempted to make a meal with the ingredients he got, but..only to fail miserably when the rice was burning.

You two cooked together, and watched you in adoration from time to time. He knew you both were stealing looks at each other.

He led you to the couch, and cleared his throat. You couldn’t help but widen your eyes when you saw Zen dramatically pose.
It was a One Man Show. This man proceeded to take your breath away. When the show was over, he had fallen to the ground (this guy’s an actor)

Gasping, you rushed to his side and he sat up with a grin.

“The touch of a princess will always awaken your prince.”

You felt your eyes prick with tears and a wide grin wavered through your lips. This was the most that anyone had ever done for you. Before he could retort with concern, you tackled him into a hug before adorning his beautiful features and spirit with feather light pecks.

“This night has been amazing. I love you, so much.” You whispered as you lay on top of him.

Zen smiled warmly as he looked up at you, and turned to switch sides. He was now on top, with his hand pressed to your cheek.

“Every night is amazing when I’m with you.”

That night turned to a sensual Makeout session, and a rather adorable movie night.


Work was especially tiring this particular day. With women throwing themselves at his feet, in appraisal of his money and finances: He could only politely excuse himself from the crowd while his sole thoughts remained on MC.

Stress ate at him throughout the day, and just when he had a break: he decided to send a text message to his wonderful lover.

“Women threw themselves at my feet, I could only manage to step over them..politely of course.”


Jumin frowned at this response, You usually were all for roasting the women that would do such a thing. After all, that was one of the many beautiful traits he loved about you. (everyone needs a roasting buddy don’t lie)

“MC, are you alright?”

No response. Jumin also acknowledged the fact that MC responds rather quickly..perhaps she was busy with work? Much to his disarray, he began fiddling with paperwork to pass the time. Yet his eyes always returned to the screen upon the phone.

That’s it. He’s absolutely worried. He had put you on speed dial, and when he heard that she answered the phone on the first ring a relieved sigh emitted from his lips.

“Love, are you alright?” Jumin questioned with concern etched upon his fine features.

“No,” MC sobbed. “I’m not.”

Before he could urge her to tell her, she had already taken the liberty of continuing.

“I have been trying so hard for the RFA but it’s just not fair. Like nothing that I do will ever amount to the work that Rika does! Of course I brush off what Yoosung says all the time, but it hurts. It especially hurts that today’s my birthday of all things, and I’ve been doing nothing but responding to emails. I feel like I’ve been forgotten by everyone, especially you.”

Tears pricked his eyes as he listened to how his beloved felt, and before he could part his lips to speak he realized he may break out into sobs with her. She had accomplished a lot, taking on everyone’s burden but her very own. Nobody was really there for him, and he had let her down.

Jumin glanced at the clock upon the wall, it was the afternoon. He still had time to gather all the supplies and people necessary. He was determined to prove his worth.

“Love, listen to me. I need you to meet me tonight upon the roof of my penthouse.”


Before MC could protest, he intervened. “I am going to make this the best night of your life.”

He spoke with fervor, determination. MC’s eyes had widened as her lips had parted. A faint blush formed upon her cheeks as she stayed silent upon the phone. The redness under her eyes were evident to her pouring her heart out.

“Do you trust me?” Jumin questioned.

MC slowly exhaled, closing her eyes as she envisioned herself standing in front of him. Inhaling the rich cologne of his suit, and the sharp scent of his tuxedo.

“Okay.” Mc carefully spoke, “I’ll be there tonight. I promise.”

Jumin hung up, excused himself from work that very evening as he made important phone calls. He indescribably threatened anyone that didn’t comply with his requests. He was determined to make this a night you couldn’t forget.

The evening came around, and Jumin stood in front of you with an endearing smile. “I’m glad you decided to trust me. I’ve something to bestow upon you.” He carefully wrapped a blindfold around your eyes,

“Jumin?” You ask, holding out your hand as he carefully took it to entangle his fingers through yours.

“You can trust me.”

Jumin led you up a flight of stairs, making sure you were beside him. When he stopped at the door, he removed the blindfold and opened the door.

“SURPRISE!” The RFA Members cheered while Seven was using the party popper. Debris of colored flakes flowered the ground, but quickly blew away due to the rather careless wind that brushed by.

Regardless, you had a wonderful time. The cake was indeed your favorite, (That much he remembers.) And tears of joy filled your eyes as a happy laugh emitted from your lips. Before Jumin had said anything, you instantly wrapped your arms around his neck.

“Thank you, I love it. I love you.” You pulled away, cupping his cheeks with a grin. Regardless, Jumin pressed his lips against yours and V, whom had fixed his eyesight: snapped a beautiful picture of you.

Sad to say, Jumin couldn’t snap a great picture of you blowing out the candles on your birthday cake: V had him covered. When the night had calmed down, and the maids had begun cleaning up what was left of the aftermath: Jumin sauntered towards you. Endearingly pulling you closer to his side with his hand rested comfortably at your waist.

Jumin kept his eyes on you for a while, admiring the way your smile complimented the stars that twinkled in your beautiful irises.

“I’m sorry, that I forgot.” Jumin spoke, “I hope that you are happy.”

He could have sworn he stopped breathing when you turned to face him looking like a dream come true.

“I’m more than happy, you did forget but you did everything in your power to make sure I didn’t feel like I had been forgotten..or even a waste of space to you. Thank you.”

Jumin’s eyes pricked with tears as he pulled you closer to his chest, while you both engulfed each other in an embrace. His head rested upon yours as he looked up at the stars.

“You know, MC. I’m the worst at photography.” He explained while he removed the phone from his pocket.

Upon seeing it, you couldn’t help but laugh. “Here, let’s take a picture. This time..you let me take it.” You playfully scolded him.

Standing close together, and you professionally holding the phone a good distance away from the both of you: you snapped a selfie that would forever be a night the two of you remember…in anneversaries to come.


You two had recently started dating, while you were understanding of the grief that followed Rika: you both were positive enough to find similarities.

If you thought differently, he loved to question you. To try and understand you.

It always appeared on the surface that Yoosung had it easier than you did, caring about his grades but not doing anything: running away from the real world with the help of a console.
You remembered you used to be the same way.

“You know, I tried asking Rika about the way she handles people and, I could try and help you if you like! I want to be helpful to you!”

“Yoosung, I’m not Rika.” You carefully pronounciated as you slammed the dish you were holding in your hands. The glass shattered in the sink, causing Yoosung to jump.

He had unconsciously said that, while his hands had been working their magic against whatever villain he was up against. Yoosung panicked, grounding his teeth as he rushed over to you.

“MC, I’m so so sorry!” He pleaded with tears in his eyes, but you were pissed.

“I AM NOT RIKA.” You bellowed from the top of your lungs, causing Yoosung to step back.
“Every single time we talk, it’s always about Rika. It’s always about how great she was, how she was this magnificent shadow that I’ll never be able to catch up to!”

“MC, that’s not true!” Yoosung argued as he extended a hand towards you, which you eagerly slapped away.

“RIKA IS DEAD! You’re giving up your future, your life, your time to a memory! Every day, I see you waste your life away. When you talk to me, it’s like you don’t see me! You just see what you want to see!” You pleaded towards him,

“Yoosung, I love you, but there’s only so much that I can take.” Tears pricked your eyes as he watched your shoulders shake from the pain that you’ve endured for so long.

He tenderly grabbed your wrist and set you upon the toilet, where his hands began to remove the shards of glass that were in your finger.

Hissing, you grounded your teeth. Yoosung looked up at you, “I’m sorry, I’ll try to do better.” Yoosung murmured as he focused on you.

When the silence was thought to be a punishment, he broke it with a “I know.”

Yoosung looked into your eyes, as an overwhelming maturity overtook him that made you take your breath away.

“Rika is..more than a memory, MC. She was family, I was her only family. You..you do remind me of her. And you’re right, I do only see what I want to see. I forget that, you’ve only a week to plan a party.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but he intercepted your thoughts.

“I know. I’ve not been the best, I’ve never had anyone. I’ve never really thought about your pain..I can only imagine what you’re going through. But, please don’t give up on me. I’ll try and be better for you, for the both of us. It’s just that, you’re so strong, MC. To carry on all this burden, and..i thought you were fine.’”

Your shoulders shook, as you clamped your hand over your mouth. Tears pricked your eyes as you slowly shook your head, “But I’m not.” You strained the words while you looked down at the ground in shame. “I’m not at all.”

The whispers broke his heart as he had removed the pieces of glass from within your skin, treating it with specific care as he bandaged it.

“MC.” Yoosung cooed as he cupped your face with his hands.

“You are absolutely magic. Nobody could do what you’ve been doing. I’ve underestimated and assumed who you are, because I was too blind to see. But, I love you. I’m so sorry for hurting you. If you stay with me, I’ll make certain you won’t forget it.”

A beam of light filtered through the window, and you saw something in Yoosung’s eyes you hadn’t seen before. Behind the alluring violet eyes, you saw the foretelling of a man beginning to grow. A man who keeps their word.

“Do you promise?” You hinted, a soft smile wavering through your lips.

“I promise.” He returned your smile as you held up your pinky finger.

As childish as it was, this was a pact between you two. He entangled his pinke with yours before you pressed your lips to his.

It was a long journey the two of you had decided to travel on, but within this: you found a soulmate willing to grow alongside you.

May I have this dance?

pairing: Joshxreader

warnings: slight angst (fluff!!!!!)

words: 1,334

Today, you couldn’t help but feel butterflies when running your errands. Driving to the grocery store, picking up Josh’s favorite perfume, and making the house look spotless. Lately, you’ve been so proud of Josh since he’s been working extra hard on the new album. He told you before that since more people have noticed the band and their fandom grew, they needed to perfect each song. You’ve never seen him more determined on something in your life. So you decided you wanted to treat him with a nice fancy dinner, a bottle wine, and some relaxing music.

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dreamcatchersdaughter  asked:

"You don't want me." Winterironpanther? pretty please with Sebastian on top?

I keep getting sent such pretty pleases, you all know me so well lol.

Hand-wavey made-up science is in here. Along with lots of time-skips.


With things happening as quickly as they did, it had taken a while for the world to actually hear about the latest ingenius Stark development. By the time it reached Wakanda, nearly seven months had passed since the fugitive superheroes had come to Wakanda.

It was another seven weeks before he had a trip out of Wakanda, and it took quite some work on his part to from there arrange a “meeting” with Tony Stark. He managed it by considering and claiming it a business meeting with Stark Industries, which wasn’t entirely false.

Wakanda - specifically T’Challa - was just interested in a very specific product that Stark Industries produced recently.

When Tony walked in, dressed impressively and sunglasses perched on his nose despite being inside - sunglasses that T’Challa recalled connected Tony constantly to his AI FRIDAY - T’Challa knew he’d have something of a battle ahead of him. The trick to this one wouldn’t be force or violence, though, but patience and kindness. He admittedly hadn’t thought of it too much, after he’d turned over his father’s killer. But Tony Stark had been left behind, with very few people in his corner.

He had been hurt, betrayed, and left wounded to fend for himself amid the vicious politics of the situation.

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Character: Hanbin (B.I) - iKon
Genre: Fluff
Authors Note: It’s currently 3AM and I am slowly slipping into insanity, but it’s no big deal LOL. I haven’t written about Hanbin in so long it seems, so I hope you all enjoy this little scenario! <3 And good night!

- Admin T

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anonymous asked:

i love your thoughts!!! they are on point and well written. can you write something about hiyori and yato's relationship too please?

[FYI:This post contains major spoilers]

I will heavily rely on the Manga in this (super long) post!

#married #proud parents

Yato and Hiyori’s relationship is really special to me.

Mainly because this isn’t a shoujo. Which means, they could just abandon their relationship and limit it to just being friends. Now, we shouldn’t underestimate how meaningful friendships are but when you have two characters who just openly can be so direct and honest with each other, who have strong feelings that go beyond friendship, who secretly glance each other, and spontaneously laugh upon simple memories because it gives them joy… Then I feel like it is appropriate to implant a romantic relationship into the story.

Noragami is a shounen. It covers many genres such as comedy, supernatural, action. However, I feel like it never loses it’s focus. It knows exactly when to show us humour and when to make our hearts break when it’s getting emotional.

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Rereading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Chapter Thirty-One - O.W.L.s

lets read about taking tests because thats fun and wont stress me out AT ALL!!!!!

“Why are you grinning?”
“I’m not,” said Harry quickly, looking down at his Transfiguration notes and attempting to straighten his face. The truth was that Ron had just reminded Harry forcibly of another Gryffindor Quidditch player who had once sat rumpling his hair under this very tree.

THIS IS SO CUTE YALL. i LIVE for trio/marauder parallels. also this probably makes it easier for harry to realize his dad acted like a douche sometimes bc in reality, ERREBODY acts like a douche sometimes, even ur cute red headed best friend. 

“Did you see the look on Chang’s face when Ginny got the Snitch out from under her nose?”
“I suppose she cried, did she?” said Harry bitterly.

LOL ‘bitter’ is definitely the right adjective to use here like DAMN harry ur so salty about a girl you never really even dated. but also ya, cho kinda sucks

- harry and hermione are filling ron in on all the grawp drama and hes taking he news like the average person would - being like “UM WHAT NO”

- hermione is so busy studying she hasnt even been making elf clothes *GASP*

- ernie macmillian is forcing everyone around him to tell him how long they study each day and its ANNOYING AS HELL. he seems like the kid who reminds the teacher about homework

Meanwhile Draco Malfoy had found a different way to induce panic.
“Of course, it’s not what you know,” he was heard to tell Crabbe and Goyle loudly outside Potions a few days before the exams were to start, “It’s who you know.”

draco the type of dude who wears sperrys and salmon colored shorts.

“Gran’s always telling Professor Marchbanks I’m not as good as my dad…Well…you saw what she’s like at St. Mungo’s…”
Neville looked fixedly at the floor. Harry, Ron, and Hermione glanced at one another, but didn’t know what to say. It was the first time that Neville had acknowledged that they had met at the Wizarding hospital.

GOODBYE WORLD. i do not need the mental imagine of this incredibly awkward and sad moment NO THANK YOU. neville :’(

- ok so basically, the older kids are selling the 5th years adderall and like….I BET THEYRE MAKING BANK

Meanwhile Ron was reading two years of Charms notes with his fingers in his ears, his lips moving soundlessly.

i am ron and ron is me.

- LOL one of the examiners is talking to umbridge like ‘um ok but like wheres dumbledore? u know, the OG headmaster?’ and dolores is NOT having it

- FUQ im getting test anxiety just reading this. I HAVENT STUDIED ENOUGH FOR THIS CHARMS TEST!!!!!

Harry had a fleeting memory of a club soaring high into the air and landing loudly on the thick skull of a troll…Smiling slightly, he ben over the paper and began to write…

dont mind me, just crying reminiscently. our bbs have grown up so much

“I heard, from my dear friend Tiberius Ogden, that you can produce a Patronus? For a bonus point…?”
Harry raised his wand, looked directly at Umbridge, and imagined her being sacked.
Expecto Patronum!”

*i dont give a fuck by boss plays in the background*

- hermione missed a question on her runes test and she is going the fuck OFFFFFF on everybody in the vicinity. its pretty bad ass.

“Oh, you’re so naive sometimes, Harry, you really think Umbridge will wait for proof?” said Hermione, who seemed determined to be in a towering temper, and she swept off toward the girls’ dormitories, banging the door behind her.
“Such a lovely, sweet-tempered girl,” said Ron, very quietly.



Harry could see the tiny outline of Fang, attempting to defend Hagrid, leaping at the wizards surrounding him until a Stunning Spell caught him and he fell to the ground. Hagrid gave a howl of fury, lifted the culprit bodily from the ground, and threw him: The man flew what looked like ten feet and did not get up again.


“Leave him alone! Alone, I say!” said Professor McGonagall’s voice through the darkness. “On what grounds are you attacking him? He has done nothing, nothing to warrant such-”
Hermione, Parvati, and Lavender all screamed. No fewer than four Stunners had shot from the figures around the cabin toward Professor McGongall.


- im so mad right now i cant deal with this. i completely forgot that happened.


WELP if you liked this, follow me for more chapters!

Episode 14 Goblin Review: Please, someone save me from this curse...

Damn… episode 14 made me so hopeful only to crush all of my hopes and dreams for Goblin with those previews T.T Sorry for the late review… I just got off work Dx 

Like we needed to be reminded of our sadness from last episode… Shin’s death occurred right before Eun-Tak’s eyes as she watched him disappear into ashes. At that moment, lightning appeared which most likely symbolized the calamity of Shin’s death… as well as God erasing everyone’s memories of him. Upon this realization that Shin was slowly disappearing from her memory, Eun-Tak hurriedly rushed to write down her memories of Shin, “His name is Kim Shin. He is tall and has a sad smile. He will come with the rain. He will come with the first snowfall of the season. He’ll keep his promise to me. You have to remember. You’re that man’s bride.” Realize that what Eun-Tak wrote down was more for her to remember their promise/contract they made; it was impossible for her to write down every memory of Shin. Therefore, she had to at least remember to summon him on the first snowfall because she is his bride. Just as I speculated, Shin appeared in a desert of snow (ex. Gobi Desert) which deserts symbolize death but also rebirth/revelation; you could say deserts represent the world between life and death. For Shin’s case, his death made him realize his choice: to continue on living even if it meant him being alone forever as a goblin in that place, despite God truly releasing him of his punishment and being able to rest in peace. However, Shin could not return right away because 1) he was trapped in between the two worlds for he was no longer considered “living” or “dead,” and 2) he could only return once Eun-Tak summoned him as the conditions of the contract and his promise to her. The reason why God could not bring him back is because even God did not have power over the domain where Shin was trapped between in. 

Nine years later, Eun-Tak has achieved her dreams and is the PD of a radio broadcast station; however, it seems that she was not doing well despite the success of the show. It also looked like her so called “family” is back in contact with her… but she seemed to not take any shit from them (you go girl). We learn more about the grown up Eun-Tak as she always looks lost such as staring endlessly into the rain with unexplainable tears and sadness. It was revealed that she doesn’t remember who GR is as they “run” into each other at the restaurant, but she speculated whether he could be the “ahjussi” that she is trying to find. She also doesn’t remember who gave her the necklace despite still wearing it, wondering if it was her mother’s, as well as the reason for the burnt words in her notebook. What was interesting was how Shin and Eun-Tak were thinking the same thing - the poem of loneliness in the desert - and perhaps this shows that both are equally lonely in their own worlds as they try to hold onto their memories to move forwards (walking backwards in order to see the footsteps in front). On the bright side, Eun-Tak has two loyal and trustable friends to share her worries with and to drink with: Sunny and the class rep. But despite the rain and it being a “nice day,” Eun-Tak returned home grieving in pain due to the incomprehensible deep sadness in her heart.  

Shin continued to walk in the desert holding onto the only thing that was keeping him alive: their contract. At the last brink of his energy, the contract was swept away by the wind though he desperately tried to retrieve it back. At the same moment, the first snowfall occurred and Eun-Tak decided to make a wish, “What is it that I’ve forgotten? Or, who is it that I’ve forgotten? What kind of face is the one that I’ve forgotten? What kind of promise did I forget? Why is it that the only thing that remains is this deep-seated sadness? Please, someone save me from this curse that is plaguing me.” OMFG!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I THEORIZED IT – IT WAS SO EPIC! With this wish, Shin was finally summoned and we see that the contract was stuck at a dandelion which symbolizes communication, overcoming challenges, and the fulfillment of wishes

Shin immediately hugged Eun-Tak in overwhelming happiness, while Eun-Tak was overtaken by tears but she didn’t understand why. But this time, it was Eun-Tak asking the questions while all Shin could tell her was that he was the “contractor,” he was happy to see her successful, and that he was summoned. Afterwards, Shin went to visit Deok-Hwa but he didn’t remember Shin; however, Shin’s appearance aroused CEO Kim’s attention as he questioned DH if his uncle’s name is “Kim Shin.” Shin also visited Sunny, but what’s curious to me is how she reacted… Sunny didn’t look confused but rather more shocked? But perhaps she also doesn’t remember Shin too. And lastly, Shin went to visit GR the same way they first met… however when Shin thought no one remembered him… GR, with tears in his eyes, said something that he would know if he retained his memories, “I guess you weren’t scattered by the dust or winds. And you didn’t turn into a radish (nothingness), either.” This scene killed me guys. T.T Bros for life. 

It was clarified as to why only GR’s memories were left in tack: the heaven’s were by his side (just as Shin had told GR back at Grandpa’s grave) and that Samshin told God to spare Yeo’s memories so that someone else will remember Shin and Eun-Tak’s love. However, what shocked me the most was when God said, “Why does it feel like I’ve discovered the door that will re-open that closed-off world? Maybe I didn’t shut that door well enough?” This suggests that God never intended for Shin to die, but it was up to Shin to come up with the answer himself… thus God throws the question “fate” and it’s up to us to find the answer!! It was touching to have the two reunite and how GR was quick to express his enthusiasm for Shin’s return. He also finally apologizes to Shin and asks for his forgiveness after 900 years - of course Shin forgave him. We learn that GR has been avoiding Sunny for 9 years and that it is his punishment of loneliness, as well as, he listens to Eun-Tak’s radio show (how cute!). What was also refreshing was the reunification of the three boys and DH’s very legitimate questions (Why do I call you “uncle” tenant? lol this was too good)… I loved how Shin hid behind the sofa and GR said he likes to drink double-fisting, lmao (guys… I’ll admit it… it was an indirect kiss >.<). But what was even more hilarious was when GR said goodbye to Shin (payback’s a b*tch lol) and Shin walked out the door to Eun-Tak’s room while GR erased poor DH’s memory. However… it’s so touching how GR didn’t move Eun-Tak’s stuff out but covered them with cloth T.T 

Eun-Tak made a mistake and wrote the temperature as 22 degrees… but of course our one and only Goblin came to her rescue by warming up the temperature and blooming flowers in the middle of winter! They continue to bump into each other’s paths… well more like Eun-Tak unknowingly summoning him, lmao. Notice how every time Eun-Tak and Shin meet, she immediately talks about her medicine… she’s literally trying to give an excuse or cover up her true emotions but Shin just breaks down that barrier and she doesn’t understand why. Shin continues to drop hints about how he’s waiting for her to remember him, but he is already happy with being able to see her, hear her, and be with her. But of course… he ruined the moment by not having any money, lmao, and Eun-Tak paid for his drink (gosh… that white fluffy sweater and turtle neck looks so good on him!). And who does Shin turn to for help? GR! And finally, the secret behind Grandpa’s will was finally revealed, indeed Shin appeared before CEO Kim through the rain and with a blue spark and calling himself “Kim Shin.” I AM FUCKIN AMAZED AT HOW LITERAL GRANDPA’S LETTER WAS!! BUT MOSTLY, HOW DID HE KNOW SHIN WAS COMING BACK?! The world may never know. Shin continued to “purposely” bump into Eun-Tak’s path and even helped her to get the contract with his company - shocking Eun-Tak that he was the President of iloom. For once, we see a glimpse of a smile on Eun-Tak’s face as she was waiting for Shin’s call! 

AND FINALLY!!! The mystery of the Canada letter was finally revealed. Shin entrusted the task to GR by giving him an excuse to finally meet Sunny after 9 years. However, despite his admirable determination, he couldn’t personally hand the letter to her. In the end though, they finally met again after he realized that it was the real “Sunny.” But what caught my attention was the look Sunny gave GR… I couldn’t tell if it was a look of confusion or anger? Did Sunny really lose her memories? Anyways, Sunny gave the letter to Eun-Tak and we learn that even Eun-Tak forgot about working at Sunny’s old restaurant. Most of all, the receiver of the letter was to her mother (OMG I KNEW IT… I JUST FELT THAT THE LETTER WAS WRITTEN FOR HER MOTHER ALL ALONG Dx this is so sad… ugh). What’s important to note is the change in Eun-Tak’s voice: her younger self was filled with positivity, determination, cheerfulness, and liveliness though she was living a hard life… but now her voice is quiet, empty, sad, and dead despite having achieved success. The difference is Shin… she doesn’t remember him and that she is his bride. And what better timing than for Shin to finally call her… and then she fuckin summons him xD (gosh… grown up Eun-Tak just loves to blow out candles without a second thought compared to when she was younger lol). Shin asked her if she was waiting for him and we see Eun-Tak giggle in happiness that he finally called her (how precious). AND OMG!! Shin asked her out on a date and she said YES!! AHH MY BABIES T.T Notice how ever since Shin returned, Eun-Tak has not cried in pain as often and is smiling more… it’s as if Shin has breathed life into her

What’s touching is that Eun-Tak has the perfume that he gave to her and compliments her; this made Eun-Tak a little jealous and Shin immediately eased her worries, “You’re the only woman who knows my phone number, though.” But what broke both mine and Shin’s heart was when Eun-Tak took her pills for depression, “A medication that cures an ailment of the heart?” However, note how this is the first time Eun-Tak was genuinely honest with Shin and Shin accepts her for who she is no matter how different she is from her younger self. We learn that she is taking vacation to go to Canada and this shows how she is taking a step forward to regain her lost memories; it was nice how Sunny was very supportive of her. Most importantly, they were eating mandarin oranges which symbolize wealth, prosperity, and happiness. Since both of them are eating this fruit, this may foreshadow that happiness is within their reach. Also, Sunny told Eun-Tak that she has “sick building syndrome” and I think it’s because this place has fond memories for her such as when 1) she and GR first kissed and 2) GR waiting for her outside her home. I kinda think Sunny’s memories were not erased, but I may be looking into it too deep. 

Eun-Tak is so gorgeous! She finally arrived in Canada and asks for help about the letter. We learn that the letter was caught inside the mail chute and Eun-Tak was shocked to find out it was from 10 years ago. The most shocking thing was when Eun-Tak started quoting herself, but she doesn’t remember that those were her own words, “Someone once told me that there’s a reason for everything God does… Hmm, I wonder who told me that?” Notice how Eun-Tak didn’t get “overly” excited upon seeing the grandeur of the hotel room… if it was her younger self… she would have been jumping all over that bed in excitement. While Eun-Tak is trying to discover her missing past, both GR and Sunny are gloomily looking out into the night sky… perhaps they are both thinking of each other? And last but not least, Eun-Tak noticed the red door that she once travelled through to Canada and who pops out at the right time? Shin! I just realized this, but everything that has connected Shin and Eun-Tak together is red! The red scarf, the red door, and the red Maple leaf. The symbolism of red with these objects represent fated love. And look how this red door leads to what will happen next… Eun-Tak and Shin having dinner! The very future that Shin saw 9 years ago!!! :O

So in conclusion, I still have hope that this will have a happy ending! Why? Despite the previews were really sad… those only make up 20% of the entire 3 hours of the finale. Also, episode 14 served to tie up loose ends and primarily lay a very strong foundation of overcoming challenges, as well as, the concept of fated love. I believe in the finale episode, the biggest challenges for our two couples will finally be introduced and will ultimately decide the ending of this drama. I personally think Sunny did not forget about GR, Shin, and Eun-Tak… if it didn’t work the first time… why would it work the second time either? If anything… I don’t think Sunny has forgotten about GR and she will finally call out to him after seeing him appear before her like that. Not only that, I also think Eun-Tak’s radio project of finding the faces and memories that you’ve forgotten will be used in the next episode to bring Sunny and GR together (Sunny will tell about their story to reach out to GR); this may also happen for Shin and Eun-Tak, but I think this project will be used somehow since it was importantly discussed in this episode. As for Eun-Tak, she will remember Shin and it might be due to the Maple leaf because it’s the first object that represents their “fated love” besides her red scarf (which I think will also make an appearance). AND THAT WILL LEAD UP TO HER AND SHIN’S SEXY KISS (or even more :O)?!! OML!! I don’t want to raise my expectations in case I’m disappointed lmao. 

But… what I’m questioning the most (and dreading of) is if someone will die?? Idk… at the moment… it’s pointing towards Sunny with her monologue, “I hope that, in our next lifetime, our wait will be short, and our time together will be long.” After all, Samshin did say they will have to pay a huge price! … but Shin was crying and Eun-Tak let go of Shin’s hand… NOOOOO IT BETTER NOT BE ANY OF THEM AND THAT IT WAS JUST A FLUKE! Dx PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO US!!! Perhaps… the only way to save Eun-Tak and Sunny is for GR and Shin to give up their immortal life?? IDK!! Why would they only show sad scenes in the preview??? So I’m thinking there’s more to it than meets the eye. When God said that he didn’t close the door well… perhaps he means they will get a chance for a happy ending?! I’m just honestly trying to make any sense for a happy ending… AND THE MANDARINS!! PLEASE JUST LET THEM BE HAPPY!! 

Originally posted by softlysaygoodbye

Other Reviews:

Episode 1-4 Review: Our Homegirl Eun-tak

Episode 5 Review: 10 years into the future, You’re still beautiful and bright as ever, but I’m not the one beside you

Episode 3-6 Review: I can’t help but stare at your smile (Grim Reaper x Sunny Relationship Review)

Episode 6 Review: If you had really been a bad person, he only would’ve created a Goblin, and not the Goblin’s Bride

Episode 7-8 Review: It couldn’t be helped that this was the beginning of this tragic love story (Grim Reaper x Sunny Relationship Review)

Episode 7 Review: Is the thing that I’m trying to steal one more glimpse of… my own immortal life? Or, is it your face?

Episode 8 Review: I beseech the heavens and ask that, on a certain day, after 100 years, on an adequate day… I can finally tell her she was my first love

Episode 9-10 Review: I was thinking about whether or not I should hold your hand one more time (Grim Reaper x Sunny)

Episode 9 Review: I’d like it if I could use that as an excuse to continue on living on… together, with you

Episode 10 Review: Your magic doesn’t work on me.. you can never escape me

Episode 11 Review: So you did come and go for a moment in my life

Episode 12 Review: An absolute fate that is beyond human beings’ eternities

Episode 13 Review: My Life must have been a reward because I met you

Episode 15 & 16 Review: The Person left behind must go on living life

Deok Hwa and Grandpa Theory Review: From this moment on, this child will serve you, your Lordship

Important Anon Question regarding Pedophilia

Live competitive TF2, is so expensive to produce.

Do not take this as “this event is cancelled because this staff member is depressed”. No events upcoming are being cancelled as far as I know. This is a rant, this is a ramble - an opinion piece, my thoughts, my fears, my weaknesses.

LANs are very important in terms of community spirit, not just a true test of player skill. They also require a lot of production: 

  • there’s cameramen, whether those who take photographs with theirs or those who fly out to focus on a player’s POV during the live game
  • there’s organizers and administrators, who work their asses off only to stand around and make sure everything’s going okay, trying to troubleshoot everything that will obey Murphy’s Law
  • there’s equipment: cables upon cables. MicroUSB, USB, adapter, HDMI, all these things I’m not sure I’m even familiar with
  • there’s external programs: the NodeCG programmer. The Cheat Feed relay. 
  • there’s casters whose voices dry out during their cast because they forgot to drink water. 

Every year or every era of competitive 6v6 TF2 from either Europe or North America, I watch a man - usually a figurehead in the scene during the time - blow at least four American digits to make a live TF2 event happen. I watch them lose all faith as community feedback, love and appreciation reaches deaf ears as they realize how deep in debt these events sent them in.

I watch as these men denounce competitive TF2 in their bitterness. I fear the people who will lash back at them, saying they didn’t ask to have quad digits invested into competitive TF2 and it’s their own fault - and yet, they fail to realize that the reason the high quality as well as the LAN itself exists is because of how much was invested from personal pockets. I fear for the other future frontmen or the ones who help them, their own anxieties about whether or not we’ll survive threatening to consume them whole.

I witness fundraisers - the solution, surely for a community-surviving tiny eSport - created to send production people from a continent over to another, only to barely make enough and it only is able to send one person. I watch the community react to heavy backlash at players who ask for some money to be sent over to a LAN, and I watch it bleed over into determining why X should go over Y, and what Y has done that X hasn’t that can benefit production more, breaking our unity.

I look at a stickybomb on somebody’s stream as they play the Matchmaking Beta, lag ever so slowly, 12 frames per second, as it descends towards the ground. I hear we’re not sure what’s going on with that anymore except those who might be in contact with Jill - who is probably swamped and stressed out just as much. I get excited when I see the official announcement in-servers for the Grand Finals - only to realize that while this might help our viewership, it doesn’t help us in a financial rut.

Sometimes, I hear of risky experiences with border patrol in terms of getting expensive streaming equipment through the country’s airport. I’ve been stopped once with a friend who was producing. They didn’t believe we were doing a TF2 Charity event. We had to go through 3 levels of border security before they let us through.

Other times, I watch organizers tear their hair out at people not signing up for something they spent hours investing advertising in, and the sponsors drop them. Sometimes I watch organizers waiting anxiously to see if the sponsors they spent weeks trying to pick up will call back - while other small sponsors drop TF2 or focus less on their TF2 teams in favour of CS:GO or LoL teams.

I watch other games that compare themselves to TF2 pop up, immediately with catering towards everything that the 6v6 crowd wanted, and players leave or disband their LAN teams to go play that game instead. Not by that rivalring company’s fault or that game’s fault, but because it shows more promise financially or personally more than the TF2 they want does. And when I hear “this game is going to kill TF2″ as a result of this, I’m tempted to re-correct them with the pessimistic: “no. Valve is going to kill TF2″.

I’ve used the candle analogy since the departure of one of the most positive faces for competitive TF2. I’ve watched so many candles that helped me light my own - albeit not one that leads the way as much as the frontmen right now - burn out so swiftly. I watch now as our current frontman struggles to keep his flame lit - find a reason to keep that flame lit - as a wind snuffs out one of his crewmembers’ flames. It was a crucial crewmember, not as in the front as the past frontmen but they did their part and spent their four digits.  

My scene is labelled, dismissed often, as people who are trying to hard. Desperate nerds who are trying to make a non-competitive game something it’s not, despite how TF2 at its core is a competitive game (two teams, one objective). An ignorance to how much this game means to these players, or how much it makes our players. An ignorance to how costly it all is. It’s hard sometimes, for both the non-competitive and competitive players. I know that the players from the scene I care about most are sometimes volatile. Sometimes, “it’s far worse in CS:GO/DOTA” just isn’t a good excuse. Sometimes, they say “I hope this scene dies and I hope these people who are involved in it get what they deserve”.

I am not the saviour of competitive TF2, nor will I ever be. I am not the frontman I wanted to be. There are people who have done more than I could ever do, spent more than I can ever make. They are the frontmen I have worked with, who I have looked up to. Whom I’ve watched suffer or fail to be noticed for whatever reason somebody may hold.

The community has been warm, kind. Cruel, cold. I look at people cheer. I look at players try their hardest. I look at the community who smiles upon us when we do good. Who frowns upon us when we make a mistake. Who rolls their eyes at us when it seems like we take ourselves too seriously. Who pray that people who are struggling with real life to still focus on donating money to video games and hope their kind words will be enough.

Competitive TF2 is a labour of love; a volunteer effort. I have watched literal blood, sweat and tears go into producing not just online but live events for it. My mother, a practical person and an immigrant to Canada, teaches me very traditional roles in terms of money and spousal partnership. “Money cannot buy love - but love will not pay your bills.” And now I watch money, the root of all evil, stay the root of all evil. I watch money make the world go round, and I watch as we don’t have enough money to send people around that round world. CS:GO, LoL, DOTA or SC2 players can. Small eSports - Rocket League, TF2?

To me, your thanks and your appreciation - it means the world to me. To my peers, I’m sure they appreciate yours too - but they’ve burnt out. Sure, new frontmen will come. They’ll also go, and I fear they’ll go just as bitterly as everybody else seems to be: realizing they can no longer overextend for greatness - keep live TF2 events going for players to compete in - because it’s not worth it. 

All I know for sure is that we hope Valve appreciates it as much as you guys do, because now the ball is in their hands once again. As anything with Valve and their infamous radio silence - we just hope they throw it back to us. For now - your kind words help for what they can do. Your candles are still lit. Keep it that way. Do not let me, or anybody else, put it out if you feel as strongly as you do for us, for the players, for the scene. Just understand this:

Live competitive TF2, is so expensive to produce.