i forgive you because i love you

i.
if i can forgive you, why can’t i forgive myself? softness surrounds my thoughts about you—even when you fill my head with pools of blood, even when you sneer that i’m just like you. and some days i lose myself in that. and some days i believe you. some days i’ll admit to you we were carved from the same death, other days i’ll loathe you for even suggesting i’m as cruel as you. yet i always forgive you. but never myself.

ii.
maybe it’s just loneliness. maybe i hold onto you because there’s no one else i can reveal this part of myself to. not even my closest friends can know this part of me exists.

iii.
there’s violence in my love for you. i’m sorry i spent so long trying to bury you with the rest of my awful past. most of me has come to realize i missed you in your absence.

iv.
but part of me still hates you for everything you’ve done to me.
—  illusory // l.h. 
5

Hi. 

In the 9th grade, there was a social worker who told me I had an anger issue. I thought: fuck her, she doesn’t understand shit because she didn’t understand shit. But, now I’m wondering if she maybe was right. Because I am angry. I’m angry because I’m not Muslim enough and no matter what I do, I’m never Norwegian enough. And I’m not Moroccan enough. And I’m not chill enough, not pretty enough. I’m angry because I made it so important to fit in on a Russ bus. I’m angry because I don’t fit in anywhere. Because I always get angry and fuck up, but most of all I’m sad because it influenced you. Because that bus is not important to me. It’s not important to me to be Muslim enough, or if I fit in with Moroccans or Norwegians. As long as I belong with you guys, the biggest losers in school. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, I don’t give a shit if I’m expelled, just, please, forgive me.

Sana.

To my fake friends, thank you for showing me the value in understanding people for what they are. Thank you for taking all of my good qualities and turning them into something negative to fit your narrative. Whereas a real friend would see my effort not to judge others and allow others second chances as beautiful, you saw me as easy to manipulate and easy to control. Where a real friend saw my habit of ensuring our relationship is okay by asking honestly, “Are we okay?” when I sensed any sort of discomfort as honest and looking for a way to amend things if they were wrong, you saw it as a sign of weakness and instead, never told me until things came to a resentful head. Where the best of my friends would look at my habit of apologising and immediately trying to make amends as the quality of a kind and genuine person, you deliberately saw it as something to exploit by making me feel worse and worse every single day by never telling me what was wrong but bitching behind my back.


Initially you must have surprised me.


Your kindness, or your (false) giving nature, something about you must have truly made me think the world of you. You see, I’m the kind of person who will love you genuinely or not love you at all. I don’t play games of in-betweens and I certainly don’t pretend to be friends with someone if they are not someone I care about. The truth is, without you, I would not know who my real friends are, nor how to value them. I would not have learned that some people thrive on being unkind. I would not know how to handle those who look for reasons to dislike me, rather than the other way around. I never understood insecurity for what it was. Because I am a highly self critical person and tend to focus on what I have done wrong rather than anyone else.


Without you, I could not have learned how to look outside and understand that other people are flawed too.


I would not know how to stop being so hard on myself. I would not grow from being a people pleaser to choosing the people I love carefully and with consideration. You taught me how to appreciate that I am a person worthy of love, and forgiveness and kindness, by treating me the opposite way. You taught me strength by showing me that when I was in my greatest pain, the person I needed to rely on most was myself because you were only going to be unkind and orchestrate more pain in my life.


Thank you for that. Thank you for every lesson you have taught me. Because I could not be prouder of who I am today, and it is you that I have to thank for that

—  Nikita Gill, A Thank You To My Fake Friends
[translations] 2017.07.06 NCT 127 First Anniversary Event fan accounts - Rolling Paper

Taeil -> Johnny
Chicago monster bro. I love your physiques, are you perhaps a model? Thank you for always looking out for the rest of the members by taking on the role of the middle man. [chewchew_do]

Taeil -> Taeyong
Your features are so beautiful. Your eyes nose lips, no, I love everything about you [cheetahparrot]

Taeil -> Yuta
Yukkuri ….. ????? (fan accounts say that yuta was laughing so hard that he couldn’t read it)

Taeil -> Doyoung
How are you? Cutie. Every time I see your shoulders I think you are so handsome. I’m fine thank you bro [dukduk0614]

Taeil -> Jaehyun
Jaehyun I like your burning passion, in the future please burn that bright and pass the passion on to the remaining members as well [chin9deura]

Taeil -> Winwin
Ni Hao, Dong Si Cheng. I heard you play games really badly, practice more. Anyway you are so cute. I think you have gotten used to living in Korea, and gotten close with the members. Dong Si Cheng, Wo Ai Ni [nct_victory]

Taeil -> Mark
Cute. You are so cute. I can always feel a lot of things when I’m with you. Thank you bro [markleezzang]

Taeil -> Haechan
Our Lee Haechan who usually joke a lot but lately you became quiet. However now I like how you are joking around again. We nag at you is because we like you. I’m thankful that you are doing the role of the maknae well, and became the mood-maker too. Bye bye I love you [xzzanx]

Johnny -> Taeil
I am an only child in the family. But because hyung was by my side I was able to feel how is it like to have an older brother. I feel really happy and secured with hyung by my side. I am always thankful for that. Even though hyung don’t express it, but I know you like me a lot. I love you hyung. [chin9deura]

Keep reading

Eventually, I stopped forgiving you every time you hurt me because tears can’t fix heartbreak.

You say you would take a bullet for me, but I keep getting shot in the chest… And you aren’t trying to save me.

—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #43 // @loveactivist

You know, Soule has actually done some really wonderful work in terms of portraying Matt’s blindness in his extremely depressing and frustratingly disjointed Daredevil run. So when people ask if he has a disability, and sort of insinuate that his limitations don’t really exist or are voided out by his super senses, you can actually just respond with these two pages:


 Yep. He’s totally got the advantage there. It’s not like this small setback is that serious, lol, it’s just a bomb, a blind man could— 

 Oh. Wait.

2

I hate you. You lied to me. I was a kid. You promised you’d keep me safe. And then you make a deal with Azazel. Yeah, it saved Dad’s life, but I’ll tell you something else that happened. Because on November 2nd, 1983, old yellow eyes came waltzing in to Sammy’s room, because of your deal. You left us. Alone. Because Dad was just a shell. His perfect wife? Gone. Our perfect mom, the perfect family… was gone. And I had to be more than just a brother. I had to be a father and I had to be a mother, to keep him safe. And that wasn’t fair. And I couldn’t do it. And you wanna know what that was like? They killed the girl that he loved. He got possessed by Lucifer. They tortured him in Hell. And he lost his soul. His soul. All because of you. All of it was because of you. I hate you. I hate you. And I love you. Because I can’t help it. You’re my mom. And I understand because I have made deals to save the ones I love more than once. I forgive you. I forgive you. For all of it. Everything. On the other side of this, we can start over, okay? You, me, Sam. We can get it right this time. But I need you to fight. Right now, I need you to fight. I need you… I need you to look at me, Mom. I need you to really look at me and see me. Mom, I need you to see me. Please.

never in a million years did i think i’d write one of these about you. i never thought you’d actually leave. i guess things change huh?
i was looking through old photos of you the other day and i came across my favourite one of you. it was your seventeenth birthday and you’re with your sister, smiling from ear to ear. and i began to wonder, what happened to him? to the boy who loved me with everything he had. to that happy happy boy. honestly what happened to us? to the couple who never ever fought. to the couple who couldn’t go a day without talking to each other. i’m sorry it’s gotten to this. i didn’t want it to. i was fighting i was trying so fucking hard to fix this, to fix us. but you never saw that. and if you did, i guess my best wasn’t good enough. the fact that you’ve walked away and chosen someone else over me, hurts. i can’t believe we are here again. you choosing to love another person instead of loving me. don’t say you’re not because baby you are. look at us. we are even fucking speaking and that’s on you. you’ve taken my best friend away from me. for that i can never forgive you.
all of this aside, i hope you know on the night before my wedding if i run into you in a bar ill still walk out that door.
always and forever
—  letters to the ones who left #9// 4am
{PART 27} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU

Originally posted by jengkook

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Vampire!AU, Fantasy, Angst, Smut

Summary; As death enters the room to claim a soul; so does life. Who shall live and who shall die - as you begin to wonder…is this really the end?

“And as he looked upon her face amidst the madness, he saw everything he held close depart his world; while she slipped into the next”

|| Warning: This chapter contains mentions of blood and some scenes that readers may find upsetting ||

I update this series every Tuesday evening, 9pm-10pm (UK Time)

{Part 1} // {Part 26} {Part 27} {Part 28}

Keep reading

8

Sana Appreciation Week- Favourite Quote

Hi. In the 9th grade, there was a social worker who told me I had an anger issue. I thought: Fuck her, she doesn’t understand shit. Because.. she didn’t understand shit. But now I’m wondering if she maybe was right. Because I am angry. I’m angry because I’m not Muslim enough and no matter what I do, I’m never Norwegian enough. And I’m not Moroccan enough and I’m not chill enough, not pretty enough. I’m angry because I made it so important to fit in on a russ bus. I’m angry because I don’t fit in anywhere. Because I always get angry and fuck up, but most of all I’m sad because it influenced you. Because that bus is not important to me. It’s not important to me to be muslim enough, or if I fit in with Moroccans or Norwegians.

As long as I belong with you guys. The biggest losers in school.

I’m sorry for what I’ve done, I don’t give a shit if I’m expelled, just please, forgive me.

Sana

family photos ft. lance

excluding coran bc i can’t do him any justice

You like to come and go in my life.
You disappear when you get scared.
You return when you need comfort.
And each time you come back to me,
I greet you with open arms.
I pretend everything is okay,
Because I don’t know when you’ll run away again.
I choose to forgive,
Because I don’t want to fight.
Then you leave again, without notice.
Leaving me in the dark.
Leaving me in the shadows.
Leaving me in the quiet.
Each time you disappear,
It gets harder and harder,
Instead of easier and easier.
—  Why Is It So Hard To Love You?
pll characters in 7b
  • aria: to a or not to a that is the question *puts on black hoodie* *fucks every a task up*
  • emily: ALISON! no wait PAIGE! no wait ALISON (again)! no wait PAIGE! OH SHIT ALI'S PREGNANT AND I'M THE DAD i mean MOM! WHAT'S GOING ON?!
  • hanna: *does sleuthy things with caleb* something about babies
  • spencer: *sluts it up with marco* *begins to hate marco* wait where's toby
  • alison: i'm pregnant but you have to have sex to get pregnant. fuck this is a lose-lose situation for me here
  • caleb: *pretends spaleb never happened* look at me being detective boyfriend of the year PLEASE FORGIVE ME FANDOM *is not forgiven*
  • mona: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAVE YOU BITCHES BEFORE YOU APPRECIATE ME
  • paige: if you love something you gotta set it free *breathes a sigh of relief after dodging a messy ass bullet*
  • ezra: nicole? aria. nicole? no aria. fuck it all. cake? yes, cake. wedding cake. i'm engaged to aria. so i pick aria. #loveiswherethecakeis
  • toby: *just needs someone to hug him* *is NEVER FUCKING PRESENT BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WRITE A CHARACTER A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE WHO IS ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT RELEVANT TO THE STORYLINE AND WHO HAS BEEN HERE SINCE SEASON ONE INTO THE STORY*
  • lucas: so i used to be a nerd but now i'm a rich nerd please love me *still loves hanna* *pray for lucas*
  • yvonne: *is DEAD FOR NO FUCKING REASON*
  • marco: i love you spencer jk i h8 u u did the murder
  • mary: i'm trying to communicate with my daughter *never actually goes to speak to her daughter*
  • sydney: *is made to be somewhat relevant again at the request of NOBODY but the writers* *is vehemently hated by fandom*
  • wren: *shows up for two seconds and adds nothing to the plot even though everyone misses him* bye now mate
What’s in the Mix with a Mix-Tape? (12x19)

Mix-tapes were a feature of my twenties in the early 1990s. I’ve still got a tonne of them. Although, that tech died for a reason - it degrades big time. 

But, I’ve kept them for sentiment. They have home-made covers, created from cut-up and cut-down postcards, with hand-writing in coloured pen listing the tracks on the inside. And sometimes, hand-drawn hearts and personal dedications. 

They were made for me by people who loved me - some of whom are still in my life, some not. 

Making a mix-tape took hours, especially if you were (as we usually did) making a compilation and mixing and matching artists. You had to think about how each track would follow another; the tone, the tempo, the mood, the lyrics. Wind, rewind, record, relisten… they were extended love-notes very often. 

Dean’s mix-tape for Cas reads “Dean’s top 13 Zepp TRA XX”

  He’s written it as “TRA XX” as if, just maybe, you could read that as a couple of kisses at the end, insteady of a groovy way to spell “tracks”. Ambiguous, diffident, scrawled, unspoken, but there… Oh Dean….

But, Cas tried to give it back. After ignoring Dean’s phone-calls, Cas returned to the bunker to try and return a piece of Dean ‘s heart, to lie to him and steal from him.

Cas came into Dean’s room, his intimate and personal space, and, as Dean says, “played him”. He stole the Colt from under Dean’s pillow, knowing full well what the history of the Colt means to Dean.  

Characterization-wise, how can Cas have regressed like that? Knowing, as he does, that going behind Dean’s back in S6 hurt Dean so much and began such a terrible rift between them?

Sure, Cas says it’s to protect the Winchesters from Dagon. No doubt that’s true. 

But, Castiel is also someone who has recently said “I love you” (in 12x12 Stuck in the Middle with You) and not heard it back…

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone and not heard it back? 

It haunts you, it eats at you, you feel stupid, you feel rejected, you feel… lost.

Dean’s mix-tape was probably his way of trying to say, “I love you” back,  but how would Cas know what a mix-tape means? Or perhaps he did know, thanks to Metatron’s pop-culture upgrade, and returning the tape was our angel’s way of being a bit snippy, a bit passive-aggressive  - Thanks for the cop-out tape gift, Dean, but I would quite like to hear you say it. 

And why is Dean so forgiving, explaining to Sam how Cas needs a win, how he gets it, as he rumages around under the hood of Cas’s truck, fixing her up?

Well, it’s eternal sub-text, of course, but here goes… 

Because Dean knows he is someone to whom, “I love you,” has been said. And, despite his worried phone calls, his appeals to “Team Free Will”, Dean also knows he is someone who has not said it back…

unless of course you count two “XX”’s on a mix-tape.

We were talking about poetry,
one winter afternoon,
the sky the same hue as your eyes,
but with the darkness of mine.
You told me, “All poetry is about
sex, God, or death.”
I teased you,
“How could you forget about love?”


You’ve entranced
and transfixed me, my love.
You’re all my poetry
ever talks about.
So let me attempt to learn
from the masters,
I’ll try my hand
at the other topics
that consumed them.


But how can I write about sex
and not write about you?
In my head
there is a map
of your body
and a winding path
that my lips and hands
long to follow.
Your body is a fire
and I’m desperate to burn.


But how can I write about God
and not write about you?
I touch your hand like
I’m turning the pages of a holy book,
but I love you with the fierceness
of a sinner turned devout,
I love you like you’re my last chance
at paradise.
I love you because we know the ugliest
parts of each other,
but we still choose forgiveness
every single day.
Your love is the bookmark I forgot
about from the chapter in my
childhood when I believed
without reservations.
You are the miracle who taught the
atheist to have faith.


But how can I write about death
and not write about you?
If death had come for me
before my lips had brushed yours,
I would have surely walked the earth
as a ghost, unable to move on
because if I have a purpose, a calling,
it must be to love you with
every fragile cell
of my mortal body.
And someday you will die,
and I do not know if I
will still be around to see it,
but of this I am certain:
the earth
will rumble
and rupture
and crack itself open
in its grief,
and the seas will wish
they could drown themselves,
and maybe the sun
will even blow herself out
because how could she
bear to shine
if you were not around to see it?

—  everything comes back to you // L.H
protecting you

A/N: this is my first Peter Parker imagine so please just bare with me on this one since it’s most likely going to suck

summary: In which Peter doesn’t want to admit his feelings for you because he’s afraid you’ll get hurt

pairing: peter parker x reader


The night you had confessed your feelings to Peter was probably one of the worst in your life. It had started out normally you two sharing laughs and watching movies. But as he was about to leave you told him how you truly felt about him hoping he would replicate your feelings but too your dismay he did not.

He simply sighed and mumbled a ‘i’m sorry’ before he turned around, his back facing you as he disappeared into the night not turning around to look at you once.

And ever since that night he had been avoiding you which only made you more confused and angry at him. Weren’t you supposed to be the one avoiding him? It was you who had been humiliated that night.

It was you who had cried yourself to sleep not him, so why was he avoiding you. You planned to figure that out today since you were lab partners and you were sure he couldn’t avoid you forever.

But when you walked into the classroom you saw the seat Peter had usually sat in empty so your eyes wondered around looking for a certain brown haired boy and when you finally spotted him you saw him sitting next to none other than Liz Allan.

How could he do that knowing you had literally just poured your heart out to him only two days ago. You felt your eyes well up with tears and you hurried out of the classroom tears spilling down your cheeks like a water fountain.

Peter saw you run out the door but against his better judgement he decided not to follow you even though every part of his body was telling him to.

It wasn’t like you to ditch school but since you were a straight A student one day wouldn’t kill anyone.

So here you were swamped in your white bed sheets light sobs echoing throughout your room and you knew you looked as bad as you felt tears free falling down your cheeks as you couldn’t get the image of Liz and Peter out of your head.

A light tap on your window snapped you out of your daze as you turned around only to see Peter crouching down on the fire escape giving you a sympathetic smile as he saw the state you were in.

Against your will you slowly untangled yourself from your bed sheets and made your way towards the window, moving your right hand up and down your left one as the cold air around you consumed you.

You stood by your window for a second debating if you should let him in or not. You sighed finally giving into his pleading eyes as you put your hand on the lock hesitating a bit before pushing the window fully open allowing him to climb in.

“Hey…” he said dragging out the 'y’ as he walked towards you hoping you would let him hug you but you pushed him away before his arms could fully wrap around you. “What do you want Peter?” you grumbled not daring to look him in the eye.

“I-I uh, just wanted to see how you were doing” he mumbled, rocking back and forth on his heels “i’m doing just great” you replied, sarcasm dripping off of every word you spoke in that sentence.

Peter sighed rubbing his face with his hands “i’m sorry Y/N but we can never be together” your head snapped up and you shook your head in disbelief “and why is that Peter huh? Am i not good enough for you, is that it? Am i not skinny enough? Not smart enough?” You yelled poking his chest with every single word that left your mouth tears falling heavier then they had ever before.

“What the hell is wrong with me because i would love to know why i’m not good enough for Peter Parker” you laughed dryly your body tightly pressed against his as you continued poking his chest.

“stop Y/N” Peter said lowly, looking up at your tear stained face “it doesn’t matter” you scoffed when Peter said this “how can you even say that!? Peter i need to know and i deserve to know!”

“because you would never be safe with me!” His voice was now matching the volume of yours, his chest heaving up and down as he tried to calm himself “what?” you asked now confused more than sad “i’m Spider-Man” he said connecting his eyes with yours “and there are people out there—dangerous people that want to kill me and everyone that i love and i cannot lose you Y/N” Peter said a single tear falling down his cheek.

You slowly walked up to him and put your hand on his cheek feeling him lean into your touch, you smiled and stood on your toes so your faces were only centimeters apart “well guess what Peter no one get’s to make my decisions for me”

And with that being said you pressed your mouth to his feeling his arms wrap around your waist as he forcefully kissed you back turning you both around so that he could pin you against the wall.

He slowly pulled away with you still trapped in between him and the wall and he leaned back down as he rested his forehead against yours, his breath fanning your face as you fluttered your eyes open.

“i love you so much Y/N but i would never forgive myself if something happened to you” Peter admitted closing his eyes as he buried his face into your neck earning a slight giggle from you his rapid breathing tickling the sensitive skin on your neck.

“Peter listen to me, i’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself and if risking my life means being with you—as cliché as that sounds then i’ll do it because i would do anything for you” you smiled and connected your lips with his once again.

You let your lips linger on his for a few moments before pulling away and wrapping your arms around his waist gently laying your head on his chest the steady sound of his heartbeat lulling you into deep sleep.