Once again I’m overwhelmed with this feeling that I don’t want to get to know someone else. It’s like you spend so much time and energy learning and memorizing every fact you can about your partner: their favorite color, their dreams, the way they move in their sleep, the way they pull you close and hold you in the middle of the night. You know their conversational habits; you pick up on when he’s being serious or when he’s setting himself up to tell a joke. You know when he’s tired or annoyed. You know what music he likes, lines from his favorite movie. You know how much he loves his cat and how much he loves beer.
Most of all, maybe most importantly, you know how much he loves you. You’ve memorized that look he gives you when he wants nothing else than to just get lost in you. You even go so far as to dream about that beautiful smile you’ve been the cause of so many times you’ve lost count.
Remember the first time he told you he loved you? How he said ‘Hey!’ and paused as he built up the courage to say it? Remember the times when even though you were over 200 miles away, you read his mind as if you were right beside him? You’ve experienced all of these things, all of these memories, all of these laughs and tears and beautiful moments. You’ve lived a small lifetime with this man in four months. How are you supposed to find the motivation to start over and build another life with someone else?
I don’t care about your favorite color. I don’t want to know how your lips feel against mine or how it feels when you hold me tight in your sleep. I can’t comprehend it, because if I choose to start over, it’ll be like I’m wiping his prints clean. I’m erasing his biography and downloading yours. I’m not ready. I’m just not ready, because every night I still dream of him. He’s holding me, singing to me even though he hates to sing. He’s smiling that brilliant smile. He’s my sun. He’s still mine. And until he fades from my unconscious, until he’s no longer my sun, I’m sorry but I just can’t get to know you.