I Can’t Save Her: Part 20
Pairings: Bucky x Reader
Warnings: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Nightmares, Repressed Memories
Word Count: 1720
Summary: You have been with the Avengers for three years and during that time you have developed a close friendship with Bucky. When you discover another woman in Bucky’s room you begin to question what your true feelings for him are.
Author’s Notes: Y/N is getting closer and closer to finding out the truth – and hopefully finding Bucky in the process. Tags are at the bottom. Please let me know if you would like to be tagged/untagged.
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“Y/N,” Steve said as I rested my forehead on the cool glass of the window. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times to bring his image into focus. “You need to talk to me,” he added.
“I don’t know what to say,” I muttered miserably. It had been a few days since I had spoken with Fury. After speaking what I feared to be the truth I had become withdrawn – spending most of my time silently staring out the window of our room.
“You’re not eating, or sleeping. Listen, I know Buck leaving has been hard, but I promise we will get him back,” he reassured me. I scoffed at his remark and he seemed taken aback. “What?”
“What if…. For most of your life you believed you were a certain type of person from a certain type of family, and then suddenly you find out that everything you’ve thought is actually the opposite?” I asked in a tangle of confused words. It was difficult for me to adequately describe the confusion I felt to Steve. It was as if the person I was was being unmade before my very eyes.
“You’re not making any sense,” Steve said after a moment.
“What is you? Listen, I know you blame yourself about Buck but…”
“Don’t you get it?” I snapped as I turned to look at him. “It’s not just about Bucky… it’s about me.”
“Y/N,” Steve started.
“Just don’t. My parents were part of H.Y.D.R.A., Steve. Or at least… I think they were. How could I not remember until now? What’s wrong with me? Why would he want to stay if he found this out… if it’s really true,” I rambled on as tears threatened to spill over my lashes. I paused to regain my composure. I couldn’t let the wall come crumbling down now – not until we got him back – and I was prepared to do whatever was necessary to get him back.
Steve was silent for a moment. “We aren’t defined by our past, or the things we can’t control. Y/N even if it’s true – you know who you are and what you are and so does Bucky,” he reassured. The sentiment was kind, but it was lost on me. I already knew what kind of person I was and it wasn’t something that I could be proud about.
I was quiet as I contemplated my next words. Gradually I resumed staring out the window – I couldn’t bear to look Steve in the eyes. “For so long I’ve been so worried about losing him…. I never thought I would lose myself instead,” I added bitterly as rain pattered on the windowsill. Steve slid his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder. The act should have brought me comfort, but I felt nothing except the crippling paranoia that had snapped into place days ago. I closed my eyes and sighed before drifting into an uneasy sleep.
I woke up to the sound of shuffling paper. I noticed that I was laying in a bed, which meant Steve had carried me to our shared room. I opened my eyes as I turned on my side to see Steve sitting beside me thumbing through a file. He looked up and grimaced. “Sorry if I woke you up. Fury brought these by a little while ago, and I started looking through them,” he shrugged apologetically.
“It’s okay,” I yawned as I pushed myself up in the bed. “Er… how long was I out for?” I asked sheepishly.
“About six hours – you asked me not to go when I tried to leave so…” Steve shrugged. “I stayed.”
“Thanks Steve – I appreciate it. I think that’s the first time I’ve really slept since… well since Buck left,” I added sadly. “Can I look at the files?” I asked as I reached for one.
“Oh definitely,” Steve replied as he handed them to me. “I don’t recognize any of these places so I can’t make heads or tails of them – maybe you will have better luck.”
I flipped through several of the files that Steve had handed me. They offered nondescript pictures of different H.Y.D.R.A. facilities – nothing seemed to resonate with the images that had plagued my dreams. I was about to take a break when something caught my eye in one of the last files. I froze. The room was familiar – it was as if someone had extracted the room from my dream and photographed it. Everything fell away from me in that moment – the bed I was sitting on, Steve beside me, everything.
“Y/N,” I could hear my mother’s voice. It had been almost twenty years since I had heard that voice – but I knew it instantly. Her voice was urgent and her face was full of fear. “Hide, and don’t come out!” The scene faded. I could hear people screaming and a full barrage of gunfire close by as I helplessly huddled under a desk. My mother was yelling into a phone that the asset was out as soft footsteps approached.
“Y/N,” Steve’s voice broke into the haze of memories. I blinked stupidly and stared at him. I looked around the room confused.
“I don’t… how…” I looked at him confused. The folder I had been holding was a crumpled mess in my hands. I let it drop softly onto my lap. Every muscle in my body was tense and my heart was racing.
“You saw this picture and just froze. I wasn’t sure where you went…” Steve lapsed into silence – he was never one to pry into the secrets of others.
“I remembered something… This is it, Steve. We have to go here,” I said urgently as I looked up at him. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration as he took the crumpled file back.
“Well it looks like we are going to Austria,” Steve shrugged as he pushed off the bed and walked towards the door. I was going to follow him before he turned around and looked at me. “Y/N, right now you need rest. I’ll let Fury know and I’ll be back.” I laid back down on the bed – I wasn’t in the mood to argue and even with the sleep I had gotten I still felt remarkably exhausted.
I tossed and turned restlessly for some time after Steve had left. Even faced with exhaustion I was unable to find my way back to sleep. My mind kept finding its way back to the contents of the file that Steve has taken with him. The look on my mother’s face. The screams. Finally, I pushed myself out of the bed and made my way to the bathroom to take a hot bath. I felt dirty – like the residue of my recently surfaced memories was sticking to me, and it made me feel anxious.
I shed my clothes and slid into the tub as it filled with warmth. A sigh escaped my lips as I closed my eyes in a moment of peace.
“God I missed you,” Bucky’s voice hummed softly in my ear. We had just made love in the bathtub of our loft after he had been away. His hair was wet and plastered around his face as he kissed me sweetly and smiled.
“I miss you too,” I whispered as I opened my eyes. Two months. Two months and the thought of him still brought me to tears. Rationally I knew he loved me – at least in those moments we shared. I could feel it in the way he kissed me – the way he looked at me after being away. Since he had left I had tried so hard to not think about the tender moments – I just focused on bringing him home, but tonight… they flooded my mind. I felt overwhelmed and utterly alone. What I wouldn’t have done for a tender moment of affection now. I slid further into the water until I was completely under it and screamed with all my might. I needed to let it out – all of it. I couldn’t keep it all in anymore – for just a moment I needed to lose control. I pushed myself up and emerged from the water to hear Steve on the other side of the door.
“Y/N? Are you okay?” he asked concerned.
“Yeah, give me just a minute,” I replied as I pulled the stopper to let the water drain. I hurriedly dried myself and dressed. As I opened the door I was greeted by Steve’s anxious form hovering between the doorway and my bed.
“I thought I heard something,” he said relieved.
“I’m fine,” I reassured him. “I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take a bath to see if it would help me relax. What did Fury say?”
“We leave tomorrow morning,” Steve replied. He paused for a second as if he was unsure about what he wanted to say next.
“What is it?”
“Tony called Fury to see if you were here,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Oh is right. He said he had asked you to not leave New York because of an incident…” he continued. I could tell he was less than pleased with me. In all honesty, I had forgotten about this when I had originally left.
“That’s true,” I added. “What did Fury tell him?”
“He lied. Told him he hadn’t talked to you since the party on New Year’s Eve,” he added bluntly.
“Good,” I sighed – relieved that we could continue our mission.
“You have a warrant for your arrest so Fury is taking extra precautions to get us to Austria. If you come back … you’ll most likely be arrested as soon as we hit the ground.”
“I know,” I added as I laid down in my bed. “I’m going to try to get some sleep, goodnight Steve.”
“Goodnight, Y/N,” Steve responded as he turned out the lights and made his way to his own bed.
There were several scenarios playing in my head on how the following days would go, and some of them didn’t include me coming back from our journey, but I wouldn’t tell Steve – not now. I knew that somehow Austria was the clue we needed to find Bucky and I had every intention of finding him – regardless of the cost.
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