i felt like rotating it

Coming out as Asexual

So, I’m Asexual.

I’ve recently discovered that I don’t want to have sex, with anyone. And I shouldn’t say recently, because I’ve always thought sex was useless to me, and overall unappealing as a whole. I even remember when I learned how babies were made I stopped wanting to be mother. Sex was just never something I wanted.

But I constantly told myself, especially when I started understanding that was gay, that I was sexually attracted to woman. But that’s not the case at all, I want to hold hands with woman and laugh with a girl friend but I don’t want to have sex with women. That doesn’t excite me at all.

Another big part was the sex portrayed in the media. I would turn on the TV and see some sexual innuendo; and think I get it but I’m not also. I would turn on the progressive video and they would say wanting sex was healthy; but I didn’t want that so does that mean I was unhealthy. And then my Catholic school would have a group come in and talk about chastity and when they said that having sex in marriage is very important; so I couldn’t have a happy marriage. Everything rotates around sex, and I just felt like I was out of the loop. Like I was broken and left behind. Like I still was kid running from “cooties” and I never grew from it.

And it scared me forever, because everyone was saying how much they would love their husbands and have all the kids without cringing of the thought of having sex; while I wanted a wife and cringed. So, I went through everyone talking and dreaming thinking I was missing something; a sex frustrated screw.

But now I feel better about being asexual; because I’m not alone. Because I’m not broken. Because I’m asexual;
And I’m hella proud.

Rotation Recap #8 - Pediatrics (EM)

My final rotation was in a pediatric emergency department - where I got my first job! 

I’m really glad I finished out PA school with this rotation for many reasons as I describe below. By this rotation, I felt super confident in everything I was doing and it truly felt like the home stretch.

At this rotation, PA students were utilized like residents. I had a ton of freedom - I would pick a patient to see, then precept them to the attending physician (after tracking them down - they were always so busy) of that “pod”. The attending would then see the patient his or herself, then we’d discuss a plan together. I’d then write the entire note while the attending put in orders, then rinse and repeat. 

What I liked about PEM: Going into PA school, I really didn’t feel strongly one way or another about working with kids. But after my general EM rotation, I figured I would enjoy this rotation because I LOVED EM. For the most part, kids a really fun to work with, and many are legitimate about their complaints (AKA, no pain med seekers or idiot drunks). As I mentioned in a previous post, I like EM a lot due to the wide variety of things seen every day. 

What I didn’t like about PEM: At this site, I could tell some of the attending physicians weren’t too happy about having to work with PA students. One attending told me that when letting a PA student work with them, that attending has to go into it realizing that it will be more work for them on that shift, and some just aren’t OK with that. Therefore, I had a handful that simply would tell me to simply shadow a resident my whole shift. This ED is also very heavy on teaching, so there were many other PA students and residents floating around, so things could get hectic and I often felt lost in the shuffle. 

Favorite things about my site: I really enjoyed the amount of freedom I had. It gave me a good vibe for how life would be as a PA-C, which is why it was the perfect final rotation. The children’s hospital had such an upbeat vibe, and everyone I came in contact with there was very friendly and helpful. The shifts I was on were great, too - I only had 3 or 4 shifts a week, always 8 hours, either 10a-6p or 5p-1a. 

Things I didn’t like about my site: As a student, we were only allowed to work in the yellow and orange pods (severity ranged from red to blue/fast track), so I did not get any experience with extremely emergent cases or with fast track-like patients. We were also required to park about a mile away from the hospital and take a shuttle in, due to lack of space in the parking garage (it’s a very urban setting with little space). Many of the patients with odd or really hands-on complaints (like lacs or splint applications) were saved for residents to see so I was kind of left in the dust in that aspect.

Common things I saw: Gastroenteritis, URIs, asthma exacerbations, pneumonia, syncope, lacerations, dehydration, headaches, constipation, CHIs, corneal abrasions, strep throat, AOM, and lots of ortho injuries including sprains, fractures, subluxations, and dislocations.

Uncommon things I saw: Appendicitis, cholelithiasis, MVAs, foreign bodies, near drowning, new onset OCD, anxiety attacks, hot tub folliculitis, lice, PID, animal bites, abscesses, and abuse cases. 

Common procedures: Splint application, foreign body removal, laceration repair, fluorescein staining, and I&Ds. 

Overall thoughts: Clearly I loved this rotation, because I took a job there! I think it was best as a final rotation and I may not have liked it as much had I been placed there earlier on in my clinical year. But I can’t wait to see what else the PEM has in store for me!

Light,
inhale,
exhale.

Look at the window,
feel your head spin,
spray yourself down,
walk inside.

I was looking at her,
and I felt my chest spin,
I could feel every star in the universe,
I could feel my heart beating
in my throat.

Walk upstairs,
get under the covers,
“do you need anything?”

Yes,
“kill yourself,”
no,
don’t.

No one said tripping was fun,
but I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

I felt galaxies at my finger tips,
but it felt more like touching your skin,
I watch the sun rotate,
and I watched your eyes in the darkness.

Nothing makes sense now,
it doesn’t need to,
all I know is that I wanted you last night, but you left me months ago.

Somewhere deep inside,
I still haven’t let you go,
and that untapped part comes alive
as the chemicals flood my mind.
—  tripping (s.s)

I’m just gonna put it out there. I’ve kinda been struggling with body image since moving to Kansas. It’s totally a battle within my own mind because honestly Kevin never fails to remind me how beautiful he thinks I am. Even when I plop down next to him on the couch with a towel on my head, pimple cream on my face, and eating a giant spoonful of peanut butter.

I’m not sure exactly what has sparked the feels. Maybe it’s the change in the type of clothing I have to wear. Winter wear has so many layers and I don’t really have stuff for this season I love so as I’ve mentioned before I haven’t felt like myself. I rotate the same pants and tops because they’re what fit and it’s not comfortable to dress up when you’re in and out of the car and not knowing where you’ll sit at someone’s house.

I found recently that I feel bad for having a stomach. Like I legitimately get uncomfortable when my stomach is noticeable. As if having a stomach is a bad thing! I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I took up too much space. It’s been a battle to learn to truly love my body, even when I’m not the smallest size on the rack.

I recently wrote a post about all the confidence and things I’ve tried in the past. And despite all that I still have days where I feel like physically and mentally, I don’t reflect that I’m in the same good place.

But the reality of the situation is:

My strength and beauty is not determined by the number on a scale, the size of my pants, the clearness of my skin, the amount of times I eat donuts in a week, or how much space I take up.

I’m putting this here to remind myself of that that I am a strong and beautiful person even if the clothes I buy have one or two x’s on the tag for the size, my stomach is noticeable, my face breaks out, or I eat chocolate every day for a week.

I am enough.
ALL of me is enough.