i feel so unhappy with myself

Have you ever stopped to think about why you really want to lose weight?

And I’m not talking about the obvious reasons of,
“I want to feel better” or “I want to look good”.

Every time you come up with a reason, ask yourself why.

Eventually you’ll come down to the REAL reason of why you want to lose weight.

I’ve mentioned it in previous posts about how weight is just a symptom of a deeper pain.

Here’s my weight cycle:

Feeling unworthy of love and acceptance.

Then going on a diet to achieve a certain body that I thought would get people to love and accept me.

I would fail at that and feel worse.

Even more unworthy than when I started.

So what would I do?

Try again.

Go on a diet, fail, feel like shit, hate myself and repeat.

If this you, it’s time to take a different approach. Contact me me and let’s work to find the root issue of your weight struggle and unhappiness.

it gets harder to talk about but it gets easier to hold it in. to sit up prettier, to shut up louder, to pretend i don’t want you when all i want is to give in, to hold back the tears at the bar and release them once i get into my own bed, to pretend i want to exist. i want to exist. i want to exist. if i say it enough times, even i believe it. but suddenly, i’m a couple drinks in and i remember how unhappy i really am and everybody’s having fun around me but i can’t breathe anymore and my friend tells me i’m a wimp for never expressing my anger when the second i express it, there is always someone there to invalidate it. it’s getting easier to call myself crazy as an excuse for feeling, as if i’m not allowed to feel, as if this pressure build-up in my head is nothing but unequal brain chemistry, and everybody is so easy to brush off my emotions as being a product of mental illness instead of re-evaluating their own actions and wondering how in the world they could have made me feel this way.

so yeah, to say i’m mad is an understatement. to say i’m mad would even be lying. because it goes deeper than this feeling i experience once in a while, the real truth is that i’m sad and that sadness runs deep. i’m hurt. i feel like nobody even cares if they hurt me and the second i even suspect i am offending a stranger, i say sorry. but people run from me instead of apologize because their pride is more important than my feelings and it’s always been that way. i fall in love with anyone who shows me affection and people think it’s weird but when you’ve been deprived for so long from people who will listen, i don’t know, it’s hard. it’s still hard to believe that the second i start spilling my emotions, people talk over me. nobody wants to be with the person who brings up serious conversations at parties. nobody wants to be there for the girl who is always sad. everyone wants to pretend it doesn’t exist. and the more they pretend, the more i realize i’m getting good at this.

so i try to shut up until i can’t. like this time last year, i was showing up to your house to scream at you because i spent so much time holding everything in. but last night, i sent you fifteen text messages and deleted every one before i pressed send and i know no one’s gonna be there to congratulate me but maybe i can start being proud of myself because i don’t know how else i’m going to make this inadequate feeling end. you know, maybe i just have to keep trying things until i find something that works, maybe i just have to fly through boys until i find someone who isn’t gonna leave, maybe i just have to realize that the only person i’m ever going to truly have is me and i should stop holding people to impossible standards because they’re never going to live up to them and i’m always going to end up disappointed. nobody’s ever gonna care the way i want them to. it’s like i’m impossible to please. but god, i don’t know - i just wish for one second, someone would be excited about something because i am. be sad about something because i am. make me feel like my feelings affect others in some way. like they mean something. i’m growing so tired of the blank stares they give me.

i don’t know. maybe i’ve always asked for too much but i can’t remember the last time someone told me they loved me and if we’re being honest here: it’s devastating. i’m sad. i feel like i have nobody left. everyone likes me at first because i am so outgoing - i say what i’m thinking - but they leave soon after they realize that i am too much to deal with and they don’t really want to hear what’s in my head. they turn away because my insecurities make them nervous and who wants to deal with the girl who asks you if you hate them every five seconds? you say you don’t hate me but your body language tells me everything. i know i’m getting annoying but i can’t stop so i keep repeating it: i want to exist. i want to exist. i want to exist.

they say you’ve gotta let people in but the more i let people in, the more i regret it. i’m tired of silencing myself but it’s like the moments i’m silent are the only moments i’m not ruining everything.

—  I WANT TO EXIST. I WANT TO EXIST. I WANT TO EXIST. I’M NOT REALLY SAD. REMEMBER THIS.
The signs as Kafka quotes

Aries: 

“I will not let myself become tired. I’ll jump into my story even though it should cut my face to pieces.”

Taurus :

“Once I enjoy a person, that joy knows no bounds.”

Gemini:

“One has either to take people as they are, or leave them as they are. One cannot change them, one can merely disturb their balance. A human being, after all, is not made up of single pieces, from which a single piece can be taken out and replaced by something else.”

Cancer:

“I usually solve problems by letting them devour me.”

Leo: 

“I am strangely tired, not from having talked so much but at the mere thought of what I still have to say.”

Virgo: 

“Time is short, my strength is limited, the office is a horror, the apartment is noisy, and if a pleasant, straightforward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle maneuvers.”

Libra:

“I am a very unhappy human being and you, dearest, simply had to be summoned to create an equilibrium for all this misery.”

Scorpio:

“I can never tear myself open wide enough to people to reveal everything and so frighten them away.”

Sagittarius:

“I cannot rid myself of the feeling that I’m not in the right place.”

Capricorn:

“Should I be grateful or should I curse the fact that despite all misfortune I can still feel love, an unearthly love but still for earthly objects.”

Aquarius: 

“Being alone has a power over me that never fails. My interior dissolves and is ready to release what lies deeper.”

Pisces:

“I do not see the world at all; I invent it.”

I don’t know how so much emotion can fit inside of such a tiny human.

Why does it feel so good to cry? Why do salt-stained eyes bring me comfort? I want to purge myself from feelings - I want to shove my fingers down my throat and pull from it strings of chewed up letters. Stomach-stained thoughts. Be filled with complacent emptiness for just a moment - the gasp of air, when it feels like happiness, until gravity remembers itself and the emptiness becomes stillness becomes face down on your bed, unmoving. This can’t be how I live every moment that I’m alone - I can’t be this unhappy every time I’m alone. What does being around others even mean? It means being The Performer. Reciting your lines, pause for laughter. Pretend like you’re listening. Don’t say what you really mean, how you really feel, it’s not what people do. Rip that pulsing heart off your sleeve. We are all alive, we are all feeling what’s the use in holding back. I’m exhausted. What does it mean to just exist? To just be Alice, laying in the daisy field. The sun can see her, but nothing else. The movement of petals. What does it mean to breathe easily? What does it mean to be happy? Where does the laughter escape to when you’re alone? I feel, often, always, like a wind-up doll, a performance piece. I’m out, I’m social, I speak, I dance, I leave out my hat. I come home, back to my shelf, I sit, I stare, I want to be wound up again - always by others, never of my own volition. I become nothing for myself. If a blue haired girl takes a bath, writes a dream, touches herself, packs a box, but no one’s around to see it, did it really happen? I weep and weep and it doesn’t matter. I’m screaming into the abyss, the abyss is silent in return. The abyss has given up on us, it seems. The abyss needed something to scream into as well, it seems. Alex in the morning, doe eyes, cheery Alex is all anyone knows and it seems unfair to real Alex. Magnificently unfair. When can I be content being myself. I’m so tired. My mouth doesn’t want to make the words anymore. We slur (soberly, drunkenly), we can’t form coherent sentences. Ink based thoughts are the only ones I ever complete. (It’s cheating, I have more time to think them up.) (I want to be this version of me, I don’t want to be spoken to the way I’m spoken to. I’m more than my body, than the tiny, helpless mess of a man of a mouse.)

Before picture is pre-HRT (testosterone) and pre-weight loss surgery (vertical sleeve gastrectomy/VSG). I was unhappy and struggling with body image, trying and failing to love the body I was born with. Inside I knew I was a man but was too scared to let that show on the outside. I’d tried losing weight multiple times but every time I hit 20kg’s lost, the more of a man I felt like so in denial, I put that same 20kg’s back on plus some more.

During picture, I’m 1 year and 4 months on testosterone and 5 and a half months post sleeve. I’m feeling healthier and a lot more confident in myself. I’m more content with my body. I’m no longer afraid to be me.

Self-Critical (Poly!Hamilsquad x Fem!Reader)

(So I’ve been having a super horrible last few weeks. I’ve been really unhappy with myself, physically and mentally and emotionally. Drama in my love life was making it hard for me to get inspired to write anything. So I tried to channel what I was feeling into this fic. I hope anyone who feels this way overcomes it and realizes how unique and special and beautiful you are. Love yourself, because you deserve it. It isn’t as long as the other two, but I hope you all understand. I’m getting back into it slowly and I’ll try to post something at least once a week.

This fic is SFW!

triggers: self-depreciation/insults/body-shaming 

I hope you all enjoy and I hope this makes at least one other person feel better about themselves.) 

The morning had been spent in front of the mirror. You didn’t have class today, but the boys still had to go to work. You’d woken up alone to the sound of rain drizzling on the window just next to your bed. It was cold and you felt more lonely than you had in a while to be laying in your vast bed with none of your boyfriends beside you.

Lately, you’d been hyper critics of your appearance, specifically your weight. You were silent about it for the most part, but you found it harder and harder to accept the way you looked when you had beauties like your best friends, the Schuyler Sisters to compare yourself to.

Keep reading

bad hamilton theory: that maria reynolds masterminded the reynolds affair

first of all, she stands to gain what??? some money?? hamilton wasn’t exactly raking in dough how much can he really cough up

second, it means that her distress in “say no to this” is completely fabricated and that she’s actually a Lying Whore™ which is just fantastic

third, at the time of their affair, hamilton was a well-educated and influential 36 yr old lawyer married to one of the richest families in the country and close to the president. maria reynolds was 23, had a newborn baby, could barely spell her own name, and suffered an abusive, manipulative husband for years before finally filing for divorce. but sure, it’s all on her

furthermore, maria was desperately in love with and afraid for hamilton, and when she got word that her husband james was returning to new york, she wrote to hamilton: “Oh my God I feel more for you than myself and wish I had never been born to give you so mutch [sic] unhappiness”

there’s nothing “badass” about assigning all the blame onto maria, it doesn’t make her look Cool and Powerful, it just absolves hamilton (and james! who called his own wife a whore for arranging her adultery!) of the mistakes he made and the part he had in the manipulation of a young woman

a reminder for anyone who tries to demonize maria reynolds: historically speaking, maria’s husband was abusive. and while (again, historically) she had known about her husband’s plan, she had no choice in the affair; if james wanted her to do it she was going to do it. she felt so awful about it she sent alexander a letter 2 days before he had gotten james’, warning him about her husband’s intentions and telling him “Oh my God I feel more for you than myself and wish I had never been born to give you so mutch unhappiness”. don’t portray her as some evil, clever mistress, when in reality she was only 23 years old with a child to protect, and stuck in an abusive relationship with a jealous politician who wanted alexander’s money. 

Issues- Part Six

ISSUES

Negan x you

When the saviours turn up early Negan comes face to face with one of the secrets Rick has been keeping from him. His eldest daughter.

Warning

Upcoming chapters will contain a lot of smut, suggestive rape, suggestive drug usage and of course bad language from the start.  

Word count- 2,529

Previous parts- HERE

————

Part six

“What are you doing here?” I asked sitting up, pulling the sheet up to my armpits. Aware I was in a white t-shirt with no bra underneath. Not like he can see through in the darkness. Loser.

I could just make out his face as the moonlight shone through the window.

“I fucking missed you” He meant it. It wasn’t like when he’d said it jokingly when I’d met him the first time, about missing Rick. There was no sarcasm.

Had he been coming in here every night? The dreams I’d had of him touching me. Had that been real?

Almost asking him I stopped myself. Maybe it was best to keep that a secret. That I knew. No one could take it away from me then.

He looked tired. I’d never seen him looked this this, drained. Wherever he’d been, whatever he’d been doing he was shattered.

I wanted to ask him.

Find out but something stopped me.

“Are you ok?” He asked removing his leather jacket and throwing it in the direction of the arm chairs. Missing as the thud of it hitting the floor told us. Huffing he mumbled a ‘fuck it’

Nodding my head “Yeah” I mumbled “Whats wrong?” I could feel worry coming off of him.

‘“Just dealing with shit” he sighed. Frustration clear in his voice. “Nothing un-fucking-usual these days”

“Okay?” I twirled a piece of loose thread on the sheet between two fingers “Have you been avoiding me?”

“Fuck no” he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand “I’ve just been busy” he was frustrated “I fucking wanted to but it was always so damn late” So you snuck in and spied on me when I was sleeping anyway? My heart felt full with that information.

I scooted over and patted the bed for him to sit next to me.

“Talk to me about it” smiling I added “I was once told by this tyrant that I was quiet, and you know quiet people make great listeners”

“Tyrant?” He laughed looking at me for a moment, deciding on if he was going talk to me I guess. 

After a few he finally sat down, with his back flat against the headboard, bringing both of his legs onto the bed in front of him. I wanted to tell him to get his dirty boots off my bed but held my tongue. It was his bed after all I guess. He owned everything.

“Is that what you think of me?” He sounded uneasy “Of me as a mother -fucking tyrant?”

“Aren’t you? I mean you have to be, if you weren’t people wouldn’t respect you” He was silent so I added “Every community needs a leader wether its someone like you or a politican or something”

“Comparring me to a politician? I don’t know if I should be offended by that”

“Calm down, Its not like I was saying you were Donald Trump or Whats her name Clinton or something”

“I’ve been called worse” Well no shit Sherlock.

“I bet” I confirmed, I don’t think anything anyone called him would surprise me  “but you get what I mean right?” A grunt was the only response I got “I won’t lie to you Negan. The killing people I don’t like and the owning people and all of that but I get it too, you have to protect this place and if it wasn’t you it would be someone else. You have to do what you have to do”

Again he stayed silent and I wasn’t sure if I had said the wrong thing or if he had just fallen asleep on me.

“You’re not what I thought you know” he finally spoke, clicking his tongue. What did he mean by that? I looked over in the dim light of the room and watched as he closed his eyes, dropping his head backwards.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t fucking know y/n” he laughed.

“Come on”

“When I first saw you I thought you were hot and you looked so fucking flustered, I like that, making girls, women flustered” He thought I was hot? “And you…. You just kind of blew my mother-fucking mind” His laugh was dark “I mean here you are sitting having a damn conversation with me. Arse extrodinar”

I wanted to say he wasn’t but that would of been a lie.

“I never imagined, in my wildest fucking you’d actually say you wanted to come here, with me you know” I swallowed, staying silent.

 “When I left, the day I made the offer I told myself that you’d never want to. I mean fucking hell doll you’re Ricks daughter, and he fucking hates me with a passion”

“I get it though I killed his people. But you, there is just something about you that calls to me sweetheart. The sadness you had I could feel it pouring out of you as you stood there in that house. It made me so fucking angry thinking of you being unhappy. Someone like you should have everything you want, be happy as fuck”

 What?

 “God If I’d of witnessed anyone there being the tiniest bit less than nice to you I don’t think I would of been able to stop myself y/n” He meant killing didn’t he? He would of killed someone… for me?

I was blown away. 

His words…. They just meant so much more than anything. To me.

Negan” breathed slowly.

“You’re just different I didn’t think people like you existed anymore… you remind me so much of… someone I used to know”

“I’ll take that as a compliment” I chuckled.

“Fuck yeah”

“What happened? Today” I said trying to change the subject. The air felt heavy from his confession. My heart felt it.

“Oh y/n that Father of yours is making more trouble than you could imagine” I felt the breath catch in my throat. 

He’d been to Alexandria? 

Who had died? 

“He doesn’t like following any damn else rules. Does he?”

“What..” The words died in my mouth. Oh god what had he done now?

“He made some friends with these filthy garbage people” he said after a moment of silence “Made a deal with them” oh god “The idiot actually thinks he can create an army and take us out”

“He’s a fool” He is going to get himself and everyone killed.

“You’re are not wrong doll” Thats what worried me.

“What did you do?”

“I made a better deal, they’re on our side now” So did that mean he hasn’t been to Alexandria?

“And if they offer a even better deal?”

“They won’t” he sounded confident “Did Dwight give you a tour today?” He asked as my eyelids began to feel heavy. Not now. I needed to stay awake.

“Yeah” I nodded my head ”I’d like to wonder around on my own though”

He stayed silent

“I don’t know”

“I get bored sitting in here all day”

Maybe, let me think about it” Well it wasn’t a no. That was something.

“The people don’t like me”

“No one could not like you y/n”

“Thats not true, I’m pretty sure I’m enemy number one back at Alexandria”

“Wouldn’t you say that was me?”

“Okay number two then”

He laughed “I might make the one time acceptation and have it a joint position”

“Deal” I laughed lowering myself so my head was back on the pillow.

“Why do I have unlimited points?”

“Dwighty boy told you that did he?” I stayed silent waiting for him to speak “I promised you could have anything you want, I keep my promises. As long as you don’t break rules than you’ll never have to worry about needing anything here”

Would that apply if I asked him to let Daryl go? I doubt it.

“He thinks you’re doing it to make me one of the wives, like you’re trying to bribe me”

“Well I did offer and it was you who said no if I remember correctly, more than once”

“I know”

“Having doubts?” He joked. He knew I wasn’t going to be one. At least I hope he did.

“No I just want to make it clear…..”

“Message received loud and fucking clear y/n”  he breathed loudly out of his nose “No promises I won’t stop asking though”

“I don’t trust him”

Dwight?”

“Yeah”

Why?” 

“I just get a bad feeling around him, I don’t like him”

“I know what you mean but I thought it was just because of Sherry

“Sherry?”

“Yeah” he didn’t have to speak. I knew. She was one of the wives. And what Dwight was jealous? He fancied her?

“I’d like to do something here” I said changing the subject, I didn’t want to know about them.

“What do you mean?”

Work, do something to feel useful”

“I’ll think about it”

Please

“Y/n I said fucking I’d think about it, ok?

“Ok” I mumbled disappointed.

“They all judge me”

“Who”

“The people, today they all looked at me in this way.. like they”

“They won’t do that again” he started to get angry.

“I just want to prove I’m useful”

You being here proves that”

What did that mean?

My head felt heavier. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep them open much longer. 

“Negan”

“Yes doll?”

“If I asked you for something would you do it?”

“You can’t save anyone else from Alexandria y/n, that was a huge thing”

“I know but Daryl…”

“You want me to let him go?”

Please

“Absolutely not”

Please, I owe hi..”

“No”  he cut me off before I could explain if it wasn’t for Daryl I wouldn’t be sat here now. I wouldn’t be here with him. “that is the final answer. DO NOT bring it up again y/n” Fuck I had gone and made him angry. 

Okay

We stayed silent for a long time. More than twenty minutes easily.

“Negan?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you”

“What for?”

Everything

“Anytime” I heard him say as I drifted off. 

For the first time in a long time I fell asleep with a smile on my face “Don’t……. leave”

———

Waking up the next morning I became aware I wasn’t alone.

The memories of the night before came flooding back and I instantly opened my eyes to come face to face with Negans chest. I had slept on his chest all night? 

Well not all night cause it must of been gone 1am when he came into my room but still.

I could feel the weight of his arm draped over me. Could I please wake up like this every morning?

The morning sun was shinning brightly outside. What time is it?

Negan was softly snoring facing me. His face the most relaxed I had ever seen it. 

This was the first time I was able to unashamedly stare at the man without him knowing. His salt and pepper stubbled made me smile. 

The first time I had seen him he had been clean shaven and I had to admit the stubble was so much better. I wanted to touch it but didn’t want to wake him.

He really was a beautiful man.

“Are you just going to stare?”

Hi voice made me let out a small scream.

Jesus

“No just me, Negan” he chuckled stretching his hands over his head. Instantly I missed his arm being over me.

“I should go”

“Don’t” I put my hand on his chest. I didn’t want him to go.

Lazily he turned to me and smiled.

“What are you thinking y/n?”

About how much I want to kiss you. 

Never let you leave my bed. What like some kind of sex slave? He didn’t need you for that. He had the five wives don’t forget.

“Hey hey” he grabbed my hand on his chest “Whatever you’re thinking stop I can see what you’re doing. You have to stop doubting yourself”

How did he know? This man seemed to know me better than I knew myself.

Without allowing myself to doubt it I lurched forward and kissed him.

It took him a moment to catch up but when he did he hands grabbed at my skin. No doubt leaving marks but I didn’t care. I moved so I was straddling him, a leg on either side.

God he tasted just like he smelt. Tobacco and mint.

He groaned as our tongues danced together.

I needed more.

Separating the two of us gasped for air. Foreheads leaning against each other.

“Jesus y/n” he breathed with a small laugh “you’re going to be the death of me baby girl”

“Shut up” I told him before kissing him again.

His lips felt smooth and I couldn’t help but bite his bottom one. Letting out another growel he surprised me and flipped us over so he was above me, pressing me into the mattress.

“I thought you didn’t want to be a wife?” He asked before kissing his way down my jaw.

“I don’t” I breathed. Did he only have sex with them?

“Good” what? “You’re better than them” again, what? “More important

“Negan” he stopped what he was going and looked at me. It almost looked like he was frightened I was going to tell him to stop “Just shut up and kiss me”

No other words were spoken before his lips were once again caressing mine. God he tasted so good.

My hands found their way under his shirt, felling his toned muscles and the sprinkling of body hair on his chest.

His hands were pulling and pressing at my own shirt.

“God I want you” he moaned.

“You already have me” I admitted. It was true this man owned me and not in the way he owned everything else.

“I want to make you cum

Please

Y/n

Negan” I moaned. 

His body felt so right pressed against mine.

His kisses became frantic. Like he couldn’t kiss me hard enough. Like he was frightened if he didn’t I’d disappear.

Suddenly someone was banging on the door.

“Go away!” Negan shouted, barley stopping his kisses.

“Theres a problem boss”

“Fuck off!” He leant his forehead against mine, breathing hard “I really don’t want to do this baby but I gotta go”

“Okay” I couldn’t hide my disappointment.

“Hey, hey” he lifted my chin “I’ll see you later on”

“Promise?”

“On my life”

He quickly stood, leaving me on the bed that once looked small now felt like seven queen beds pushed together without him in it. He straightened himself up, picking up his leather jacket that had missed the chair last night and checking his hair in the small circular mirror that hung by the door. It was not in his usual style. He flung the jacket over his shoulder

“Jesus” he looked at me after he brushed his hair back as best he could. He took one last look at me before opening the door and leaving.

“Fat Joey take y/n around today she wants to explore our fabulous home” I couldn’t help but smile. 

He listened. 

As soon as the door clicked shut I fell backward and let out a silent scream. I felt like a bloody teenager.

—————-

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INFJ Confession #2962

Hi there! Questionnn I feel like I am a paradox… I get so lonely but when I’m with people i wish I was alone. Then I tell myself I don’t care what these people think but I do so much just to impress them and garentee their friendship… I feel like I am stapled to a future of unhappiness no matter what I do… can anyone relate?

Roses-Bucky x Reader

A/N: I’ve been missing for sooo long, I’m sorry. Inspired by le bae Shawn Mendes and his song Roses. Bucky is a complete ass in this omg

—-

I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling in my gut. Bucky has been back from his mission for a week now and with each passing day, he gets further and further away from me and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve tried staying by his side, encouraging him to talk to me and now, giving him space but all of that time he’s spending in his own head is not doing him any good. In fact, I think that it is tearing him apart. Calling Steve and asking him about the mission did nothing for me, instead, I just grow more and more worried. Bucky has never been this withdrawn from everything.

I walk into out shared bedroom and my focus is on Bucky. He’s sat on the bed with his head in his hands and he’s giving off a cold vibe which really takes me aback. He doesn’t even bother to lift his head up and a tear rolls down my face. I can’t help but feel my heart break with each passing second.

“Buck.” My voice is barely audible but he finally looks up and he looks blankly through me. His eyes are hooded and masked by the shadows on his face. “Bucky. Look at me. Please.” The sound of my voice is different, it’s hoarse from the tears I shed before I approached him.

“Just go away. Please. Leave me alone.” Bucky ran his metal hand through his hair, his face was detached and humourless. “I’ve tried to be with you so many times and it just doesn’t work.”

I felt as if I was slapped in the face. He didn’t want me anymore, and I didn’t understand why. There weren’t any signs, Bucky would tell me how much he loves me every night, and now, I just don’t understand. It makes no sense to me. I stood in the room, my knees wanting to give way. “Did you ever love me?” My voice was soft but broken, the tears may as well have filled my lungs because of the difficulty of breathing. “Are you throwing away everything that we’ve ever had? Every memory that we’ve made? Our home?” My voice got louder and louder but the bubbling of water in the back of my throat stayed, the salty tears dripped and I can’t bring myself to care.

“Don’t you get it?” There wasn’t anything in the first place? Nothing!” Bucky’s voice was raised but even with the noise, the silence of the malice rang through the air. His words didn’t slap me as much as the tone, he was gone. The Bucky I loved was gone and I have no idea how to bring him back.

“So, what was it?” I threw my hands in the air. My face was burning and I had no idea what to do with my body, it was tense and angry. And hurt. “Don’t just sit there, explain.” I tried to catch my breath but it was slow and shaky. “Give me something for fuck’s sake.” My throat was burning from the screaming and the crying. “You owe me that much,” I whispered and Bucky looked up. His eyes were cloudy and dark, nothing like a window to the soul.

“What would you like to hear? That I love you more than the universe will ever know?” My heart skipped and then sank as he continued with his barrage of anger and hatred. “But you know it’s not the truth, deep down you know that I don’t love you and I haven’t for months now.” He pulled his hair up and away from his face and I started to cower away. 

“No, no, don’t say that.” I put my hand to my mouth to try and stop the bile from rising. “Why would you wait so long, then? If you were so unhappy, what took you so fucking long to tell me?” I wanted to hit him, to throw something, to do something to make myself feel better but there wasn’t. There was nothing to patch my heartbreak.

“You wanted the truth, and now you have it. I don’t love you, I never did. It was great at first when we started dating but you aren’t the one, you never have been and you never will be.” Bucky’s voice was calm and level as if he wasn’t breaking my heart over and over again. “I was with you for the laugh. You were a good shag, but that was it, there’s nothing about you that I love. Nothing.” Bucky rose from the bed and walked into the living room and I chased him.

“Then leave.” My voice cracked and I braced myself against the door to stay up. “Just take your shit and leave, don’t come back.” Bucky turned to look at me squarely, he had no emotions on his face. “Once you leave, you’re gone. Don’t ever come back into my life, I want nothing to do with you. Nothing.” 

His walk was slow and he brushed past me on his way to the bedroom. Goosebumps rose on my arm when he touched me but they fell just as quickly as they rose. “Why didn’t you dump me sooner? It’d have saved you all the trouble of moving in with me, of promising a future for the both of us, it’d have saved you from introducing me to your friends.” I had to take a deep breath, he was ignoring me and I just kept talking. “I introduced you to my family. My family. I can’t wait to explain to them that after all of the talk of the future, you weren’t in it for the long haul. You weren’t in it at all.” My body shook from the tears and Bucky was quickly shoving all of his clothing into a duffle bag, not once looking my way.

Part 2 Part 3

3

april study challenge / 10/04/17 What are some of your general study tips?

  • plan EVERYTHING! don’t worry if sometimes it doesn’t work out (!) but while making the plan for any work/paper/exam session you have to think through everything that you should do and i just find having a plan very comforting and calming
  • having said that don’t burden yourself with lots of work you can’t do. especially if you have motivation problem/you procrastinate/have mental problems that sometimes stop you from working. think about what you really are capable to do, take small portions of work (i’m gonna make a separate post on how i study later on in the month)
  • find out what’s your passion and try to think of ways to include that in projects/papers for subjects you don’t enjoy
  • get involved with stuff! i know, it’s the hardest thing ever, i hate it i hate interacting with people and all but i made it my point to say yes to things and mostly i was glad after all that i decided to do it. someone asks for help organising some event, there’s some study club or an additional class - try it, you get experience and it helps to make friends
  • don’t stress out about grades from subjects that don’t interest you at all as long as you pass. idk about different school systems but for me i had few subjects that i didn’t like and i knew they’re of no use for me later so i just made sure i pass and didn’t pressure myself for more
  • read books and articles about things that interest you, one day they might be useful
  • even if you have a plan for what you want to do later with your life, don’t block out other things that seem unimportant to you. seen and heard about so many people changing the courses or entire degree after first year of uni just bc it turned out to be different than they expected. also don’t be afraid to change your course if you feel unhappy where you are
  • ALSO STAY HYDRATED, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS (AND CHOCOLATE) AND GO ON WALKS,  DISCOVER EVERY SINGLE CORNER OF YOUR DISTRICT (if it’s save lol)

sorry if it’s crap!

HOW MUCH LONGER? pt 3 - Jason McCann

Check out part 1 and  part 2  by clicking here!

Part 4 will be up soon, along with another imagine!

Originally posted by emmasopheah


For what felt like the hundredth time tonight, my position in my bed shifted from my right side to my back as an agitated sigh escaped my lips. I hadn’t had a restless night in years, and tonight just seemed to have broken the streak, only difference was, this time, I had a reason for the disturbance of my sleep.

It’s been a week since Jason moved into my gang house and ever since he arrived, he seems to be the only thing on my mind. Clouding up my space to think logically and making it harder for me to keep my gang safe. Its dangerous honestly. If we got attacked, I wouldn’t be on my feet, not as alert as I usually am.

But tonight just crossed the line. Tonight, my mind was running marathons because of my thoughts and it was all his fault. Not just because I knew he was here, but I could also hear it, and not in a very pleasant way. The moaning coming from the room across the hall was beginning to make me so aggravated that I was honestly ready to stomp inside waving a gun around just to make them shut up so I can use whatever time left of the night to get some sleep.

Okay, and maybe I was a little jealous, but lets not get into that.

Just knowing that Jason - my ex boyfriend and the man I am still in love with - was in the room across from me, fucking his current girlfriend senseless was killing me. Especially when I realised that, that could of been me, if I had just stayed when he needed me instead of walking out, that would be me in there with him. Pleasing me, making me feel loved, and like I was the most perfect girl ever to be created. 

Because thats what Jason McCann can do, he can not only be powerful himself, but he can make you feel powerful. And I guess thats what made us so compatible, we both loved the powerful feeling each other gave off. 

But no matter how much I wish and dream - the reality is that I did walk out that night, and although I’m not one to believe heavily in God, I can’t help but feel this was my punishment for walking out that night. Having to sit here - in the comfort of my own house, listening to the love of my life pleasure another woman. A slut to be exact. A slut that he was in a relationship with.

I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he was in love with her, there was no way. His eyes didn’t have that glint, that glint he used to have when he looked at me. That glint that no longer exists. Instead, he looks at her more as if she was a peice of meat rather then a girlfriend, and is it bad to say that relieves me? But it might just be in my head. Maybe he does really love her and I’m just in denial because I don’t want to face the fact that he’s moved on and I haven’t.

Maybe. 

But that’s the thing. Life is a big fat ‘MAYBE.’ There is no yes, or no in life. There is no guarantee. Everything is just Maybe. Maybe this was how its supposed to end, with no one receiving what they wanted, everyone just feeling shit and unhappy in the end, or maybe things will turn for the batter and a miracle might happen.

but the chance of a miracle is near impossible, so I should probably begin readying myself for a depressing ending now.

Without even realising it, I had slowly began drifting off to sleep. And without hesitation, I allowed the blessing of sleep to finally take me in its arms until tomorrow, leaving the daunting thoughts for another day.




Bitter, the perfect way to describe my mood. And what better way to express that with a cup of straight, black coffee. Placing the kettle of caffeine back onto the machine after pouring a full cup, it was a slight surprise to hear a door opening and shutting upstairs. 

Who the hell is up at this hour? Only a gang leader would wake up before Dawn. And then it hit me, how could I forget? Jason is living here now.

Soft footsteps ceased to make there way downstairs, all before his perfect body slipped past the kitchen doorway, revealing his inked chest, shirtless. His eyes darted up in surprise at seeing me standing there, before his guard fell and he shook his head. 

“I always forget your up at this time as well.” 

I shook my head, running a hand through my slight bed hair. “Same here.” 

Without thinking, I stepped back and picked up the kettle, turning around to pour it into a coffee cup Jason held out for me. It was a habit, something we did when we were together. He would get a cup while I poured him coffee, it was so random but something we just always did. 

“Got any meetings today?” Jason mumbled, sipping on the same black coffee I drank. In fact, he was the one who got me hooked on the bitter drink. 

Although we both act like mean, careless criminals, we always felt like we could just drop the act around each other, no matter what happened in our pasts.

“Just one. An old Ally wants some land, gotta put the fucker in his place.”

He smirked, side glancing me from the cup he was sipping on before slowly removing the mug from his lips, swallowing the beverage with a loud gulp.

“You hungry?” I suddenly asked. 

His eyes flickered from the floor to my face, his expression blank and hard to read. 

“I’ll make pancakes if you want?” I added.

Slowly, his eyes squinted to slits as he eyes me. “Why?” 

“What do you mean ‘why’? Because I feel like pancakes and I thought I’d be nice and offer you some as well.” As I spoke, I began walking around the kitchen, picking out ingredients for the pancakes.

“Is there a problem with that?” 

“I mean, no its just-….” He trailed off, eyes wandering around the room.

“Just what? We’re not together anymore?” I scoffed. When he didn’t reply, I knew that was the answer. “Don’t be so up yourself Jason, I offered you pancakes not asked for your hand in marriage. I’ve moved on from you. Just because where Ex’s doesn’t mean I can’t be nice. I mean, where living with each other for god sakes, might as well make the most of it.”

It wasn’t an entire lie. I did want to make the most of it. I just….haven’t exactly moved on.

From the look in Jason’s eyes you could tell he was putting some effortless thought into what I had just said until his face fell flat once again, then slowly slid into a smirk. “In that case, I like Syrup on my pancakes.”




“Ah! Mr Brown, nice of you to finally join me!” I shouted in fake enthusiasm, glancing at the rolex watch on my wrist. “And your only an hour and a half late this time! This must be your new record.”

Brown smirked, placing himself in the leather chair opposing my desk, his men stepping behind him. “I tried to make it on time this time.” 

“No you didn’t.” I smiled, but there was no humour in my tone. “Everyone know’s your attempt of being fashionably late never works Axel. Stop trying.”

His smirk dropped, face turning red after being caught. “Now lets get to business. you want land? Well the only land you’ll be receiving from me is my foot, when it lands on your ass.”

“Mrs L/N, If I must remind you, you still owe me for the first drug deal you made. Remember that? When you were nearly shot. Who saved your life then?” He smirked. 

But I had the upper hand, I always did. They don’t call me most wanted for nothing! “Your right, I do owe you. Actually, I did owe you, not anymore.”

“My first drug deal was nearly 6 years ago, and If I recall, I repayed you many, many times.” i smiled. “Let’s start with when I saved you from Larson, and killed Harold for you. When you hired me to kill Michael, or what about the time I loaned you 50 grand for drug money? And lets not forget the time I -”

“Okay I get it!” Brown yelled, sighing agitatedly. 

“Good, so now that we’re both on the same page, I think it’s time you repaid your debt to me.” 

He visibly gulped. “And what would that be?”

“Well, I’m in need of a little upgrading. Not only do I have my whole gang in here but now an Alliance’s gang and I need some space.”

“So what’s it you want? You wanna send some gang members over to mine?” 

“Oh jesus no!” I laughed. “’I would never torture my gang members like that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind a good torturing but only to the people who deserve it. What I want is your gang house.”

“What?!”

“You heard me. And If you didn’t get the hint, I just warned you - actually more threatened you. Get the fuck out of this state. You - and your gang.”

“But-”

I was quick to interrupt “Get out of north America, and If I see your face here again, its not gonna be pretty. Do you hear me?!” 

I was standing at this point, steam almost pouring out of my ears as I raged in fury.

“Y/N-”

“You don’t think I know you’ve been stealing from my warehouses?! Nothing goes unnoticed by me.” I gritted. “Now I’m giving you a chance to run because really, I should just shoot you, right here right now. Now either leave my office, and don’t come back, or make sure you double up on men and always look behind you, cause soon, your gonna have a bullet implanted right in that thick head of yours.”

Brown’s face was shocked, nervous and twisted in fear. Without another word, he nodded his head frantically trying to make hsi way out of the room. “Nice doing buisness with you!” i yelled as he made quick to scramble out of the room. 

Just as Brown left, Jason strolled slowly over to the door frame, leaning against the wooden post. “So…how was your deal?” 

“Great. Now that that part is over with, I’ll just get a few of my men to sneak back to his warehouse and eliminate him by tomorrow morning.”

“I thought you were letting him go.” He chuckled. 

“Nah, I just said that so he won’t suspect it. Hes less likely to put up a fight if he doesn’t see it coming.”

“Those words sound oddly familiar.” Jason sarcastically smirked. 

“They should, you taught me them.” I stated. 

“I know.” And like that, he turned on his heels to begin walking down the hall.

“Actually McCann!” 

“What?” He spat.

“Tonight, how about keeping it down. Your side hoe moans like a cow, its quite disturbing.”

Jason turned, a smirk on his face. “Why? You jealous your not getting any?”

“Hah! You wish. It’s just some people don’t enjoy falling asleep to the sound of a dying goat.” 

“You know, you gotta lotta hate towards my girlfriend. You sure that’s not personal?” He smirked. 

“Please McCann don’t flatter yourself.” I scoffed. “Just keep the fucking noise down tonight. Or rather, just leave it all together. Don’t you have any self respect?” 

“I do.” He smirked. “But my hand got kinda boring.” The smirk only grew as my face fell in discuss. A wink was sent my way before he quickly descended down the hall, leaving me weak at my knees from the wink that was only meant to piss me off.

I woke up this morning and realized a few things that kind of took me by surprise. Honestly it’s crazy how my life has changed in the past few months. I’m writing, producing, and working from home and making money doing it. I’m able to pay all of my bills and live in Los Angeles, CA more than comfortably. I have a loving and caring boyfriend who values and respects me and dicks me down mercilessly. I didn’t even realize we’d been officially “together” almost a month and we haven’t had one argument (disagreements, yes, but rare and always respectful/loving/healthy– he’s never even raised his voice at me). We legit just be together all of the time and like doing that shit, and we still check in and remind each other to focus on projects, take breaks to get shit done and come back to each other like it’s nothing. We can work silently in the same room and it’s kosher. I have great friends who love me and care for me and support the fuck out of me. I’m hosting a couples game night tomorrow for them at my place and we’re going to make tacos and get drunk and watch The Office and play charades. My bestfriend from childhood might come to visit this month which would be super lit because the weather is getting awesome and we could go to the beach and I’m sure she’d/we’d have a great fucking time. The Get Down Pt. 2 didn’t disappoint me. I might get a dog. I’m performing all over LA and making a name for myself as a poet and community leader. I’m working hard on my passions and figured out a way to work from home and get paid weekly and generally kick ass at life. I woke up this morning feeling weird because there was an absence of something I became so used to, and it was crying. Like, I haven’t cried in SO LONG. I haven’t been unhappy in SO LONG it seems like. I guess I’m not used to the consistent, unwavering feeling of happiness. I’m not used to it just being chill, it used to feel like something was missing if I wasn’t in pain in some way or another. I know there will be more trials but right now I’m pinching myself because I’ve never felt this secure, happy, and safe and I’m just very grateful that I’m still here to feel and witness it. Ok. That’s all. Ima go buy taco ingredients for these vegan ass niggas coming over tomorrow.

the journey towards self acceptance is a long and winding road, filled with speed bumps and forks, dead ends, wrong turns, left or right?
there were so many opportunities for me to turn around, pretend i never went on this adventure, pulled a Frost and take the road less traveled, the road that would lead me back to an unhappy home
but i watched you drive the same routes as me, set out on these never ending highways, take the same back roads to enjoy the scenic route,  take a shortcut only to realize that shortcuts were not meant to be taken when trying to get from point A to point U
i watched you go on the journey i am so terrified of going on myself
and i just felt so
inspired
so much less afraid
even though we are driving in separate cars, i feel so much less alone.
—  gender fender bender // @twentysomethingtransboytrick
(cc, 2017)

anonymous asked:

hey! for a while now i feel really sad and unhappy for no reason.. do you have any ideas how to be happy again or feel more relaxed? love your page btw💓💓

anonymous said: These days I feel very down and I don’t feel like doing anything. I just can’t push myself to do anything eventhough I really try.

i got two kinda similar asks so i thought it would be more efficient to combine them into the same answer. firstly, i’m really sorry to hear that you guys are going through a hard time 😞  i hope you both feel better soon!! in the mean time, here are some links that may be of use for you. i hope they help~

additionally, i recommend you guys to talk to someone you trust/feel comfortbale with about how you feel, or even go to a professional if you think it will help. please don’t keep things to yourself or bottle things up inside of you. even if it’s through writing things out in a journal, i really recommend that you guys talk about what you’re going through as i’ve found that it’s v cathartic. also, please remember that you’re valuable people with so so much potential. don’t give up on yourselves!! as hard as it may be, please keep going. you’ll make it through this, i promise. you’ve already come so far and you’ve made it through 100% of your bad days - i know that you have it in you to get through this too.

anonymous asked:

I've given up on coming out to trans as people because everybody I'm out to calls me by my deadname and it's getting to me. they get kinda pissy when I correct them and call me 'it'as a joke. they only use the correct pronouns when they know I'm ignoring them or not paying attention. I'm ftm, and so tired of hearing 'girl'. Its made me feel worthless and like I mean nothing to them at times. Sometimes I feel the need to hurt myself but. i give up on being jack. it'll never happen

Hey, Jack, you are valid.

Hey, Jack, it’s going to be okay.

Hey, Jack, you can do anything.

Hey, Jack, if coming out makes you unhappy, don’t do it.

Hey, Jack, if people make you feel like any less of a boy, leave them. They are bad for you.

Hey, Jack, you are not a girl.

Hey, Jack, you are loved.

Hey, Jack, it get’s better.

Hey, Jack, never give up.

This post whenever it posts is my last queued post

So from here on out there won’t be any new posts on my blog for who knows how long.. as I continue searching for peace/happiness within myself without a means of being contacted.

When you become so unhappy that you need to separate yourself from everything and everyone because you don’t want a distraction you want to actually be content and you don’t want to be a burden because that’s what I feel like. When people can notice something is wrong with me I feel like a burden. I am a recluse by choice, and depression is the worst. Anyway I hope you all accomplish whatever goal it is that you want to accomplish, as I continue trying to accomplish mine.

I hope you all find love, peace and happiness within yourselves.


Oh and thank you. Thank you to every single soul that constantly reached out to me via whatever method that you may use to check on me I absolutely and positively appreciate you.
❤️✌🏽