i feel really selfish and awful

It’s selfish to want them both, Percy tells himself, in the thin hours of morning when he can’t sleep and sits at his work-table, taking his gun apart over and over as if he’s looking for secrets in its metal guts. It’s selfish, and it’s wrong, and they’re twins – tall and identical and perfect, all dark elegance and long, silky hair and a razor’s-edge of something feral and hungry and angry just beneath the surface.

He’s always liked sharp things, hungry things, things with teeth – and the twins are sharp all over, lined with teeth, in their own unique ways. He wants to stick his hand into the steel trap of their souls, just to see what it would feel like when they slammed shut around his wrist, what it would be like to be caught there. Trapped. A wild animal wounded by the bladed edges and honed points of their love, bleeding out in their arms.

The smoke curls around the soft insides of his chest, an over-affectionate cat, crawls up his throat until it chokes him, and he digs a thumbnail into the soft meat of his palm until it bleeds. Another mark to add to his collection. It’s selfish, and it’s wrong, and he knows that him and his guns and his smoke are bad news of the worst kind. They don’t need that in their lives, don’t want that in their lives – don’t deserve that in their lives. Don’t deserve him.

But, by god, does he want them both.

i miss feeling secure with you, like even in the shittiest of times you made me feel safe. I really fucking miss that tonight.

Things The Signs Have Confessed To Me
  • Aries: sometimes I wish I could feel bad for other people but I just don't, so I feel really selfish because I want to understand, I really do but my best just isn't enough.
  • Taurus: I sometimes wonder if you really do like me, I know it doesn't show but I care a whole awful lot about what other people think and it is really hard not to.
  • Gemini: I repeat to myself I am okay and happy being alone and by myself but I always find myself wishing I had someone to be with, no matter how hard I try not to.
  • Cancer: I am tired of being "the nice one" or "the cute one", because I am never the smart one. I make everybody laugh and get along great with everyone but I can be smart too and I wish people could see that because sometimes they make me feel like maybe I really am not smart.
  • Leo: I know people think I am pretty but I just can't feel it. My ex boyfriend once told me I was the most selfish person he has ever met, and that was a year ago and it has stuck with me a lot because it is one of the things that has hurt me more in my life. I am tired of being selfish. I do not want to be.
  • Virgo: sometimes I want to talk about what I feel and think but am always looking out after others and feel like I have to be in control. I sometimes wish I could be angry or go overboard and cry or vent to someone but I never allow myself to do that. I don't know how to not be in control.
  • Libra: I feel so dumb, like the only thing everyone sees in me is "pretty". Boys flirt with me and all but they just want me for my body/looks, and I always hold this really small hope that when they get to know me maybe they'll see something else, but they never do. I end up feeling that I'm only worthy for my looks and I am tired of people not seeing past that.
  • Scorpio: I feel like I have to pay for my mistakes, I think that I have made terrible mistakes that deserve no forgiveness but sometimes I wish they deserved it and that I could find it somewhere. I feel like everyone is better than me, I'm never good enough.
  • Sagittarius: I am tired of feeling everything so intensely. Of being so angry, so sad, so in love, so what ever I am feeling. I drink or smoke or have sex to find a way out of feeling whatever I am feeling but it remains and it doesn't matter what it is, it is always intense and draining.
  • Capricorn: things just keep on piling up and I don't know what to do. I can never truly handle anything and maybe I should just start getting used to the fact that I can't fix things, but it hurts and I just can't see anything clearly.
  • Aquarius: I judge people harshly and act like I don't care but I feel like the worst person in the world, I don't deserve anything, I just suck. I wish I could be nicer to people because they don't deserve to be treated like I treat them sometimes, I just want to stop.
  • Pisces: why do people do things to me when they know they are hurting me? What did I ever do to them? I don't want to feel sad over these things anymore, I've been trying not to feel so bad and to be rational but it just hurts and I don't understand why everyone seems to be hurting me on purpose.

anonymous asked:

Thank you for writing that post about moving on. I was lead on by someone who was still in love with their ex and it was horrible. But now I know that I did nothing wrong and that they were being selfish and wanted a distraction. I really enjoy your other writing too. So thank you.

Of course, friend. I was just venting because the amount of girls that I pursued and cared about that fell back to their ex, were secretly talking to them, or not over them is insane. It makes you feel like a rebound and like you wasted your time. I’ve been guilty of it without realizing it and I feel awful about it. Wanting to move on and distract yourself - but that’s selfish to whoever you are with because you can’t fully give yourself to them. You make promises you can’t keep and say words that are meaningless. It’s that person’s issue, not yours. You are no less worthy, that ex is not better than you. You deserve to be the only choice and the only person on their mind. You aren’t stuck on someone and that’s having the upper hand. It’s just hard to trust people.

I really hate nisha, mostly because of her character and how she is. Other characters like jack or lilith or moxxi we’re motivated to do what they did because they thought it would help people or do a good things. She just is a bad person because she feels like it, she knows her actions are wrong but she does things anyway, she’s an awful selfish person and she just doesn’t really care about anyone, but that’s just my opinion.

A little bit of perspective...

In terms of what is “bad” in this fandom, I think people have lost sight of what truly has been bad and what hard times actually feel like because we aren’t quite used to it anymore and lots of people were expecting a sudden change.  While things still aren’t ideal, let’s take a look back at a few times in the fandom when shit was actually really awful:

1. Haylor - without a doubt the worst month and a half this fandom has probably ever experienced.. on both sides. If I never have to see these two look like this again, it’ll be too soon:

I have never seen Louis look quite this miserable for such a long stretch of time. Please let’s remember that he has looked happy lately. Maybe the happiest he’s ever looked. 

2. The times when “Larry” was brought up in interviews and the boys were made to address it - like.. this goes without saying.. it was always uncomfortable and unfair on them. They shouldn’t have been put in that position and I hope they never will be again.  Just from memory, this happened at least 4 times.

3. 2013 in general - I mean there was good and bad this year but the overall feel of it was shit. There were tons of stupid stunts, lots of rumors and drama, and the feeling that the boys were constantly being separated.  Harry was also doing fan service galore and they never seemed to get a fucking break ever. I never want to see this shit ever again:

Elounor trips, numerous models needing a publicity boost, weight loss, tension.. it just sucked all around.

4. Bullshit tweets 1.0 and 2.0 - how can we forget those lovely moments right? These were like knives to our souls. They hurt. Bad. And I’m sure they hurt Harry and Louis as well.

5. Elounor - listen that shit went on for 3 years. Although towards the end it was pretty mild, there were staged kisses, pap pics galore, vacations, family pics, etc. With the way Harry always reacted to it, and how Louis acted towards the end, I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t pleasant for them.. nor was it fun to watch it play out. 

The point of this isn’t to brush aside people’s frustrations, but just to offer perspective on the whole thing. As of right now, yeah the media is gonna write what they’re gonna write and it sucks to see Louis’ persona shrunk down to simply party boy.  But let’s not forget that while he is being mentioned all the time because of the partying, his other contributions are also being discussed. His football, his charity work, his new business ventures. The fandom might be annoyed with the new image he has, but really.. in the long run, no one is gonna fucking give a damn about him going out to clubs and being around some random girls. 

As long as they are happy, let’s trust that they know what they’re doing and how they want to do it and when. It’s their lives, their decisions, their time to do things how they feel is right. It might not be ideal to us, but we’re not them.

23655) People tell me, “Just get over it and eat! You’re so shallow and selfish to starve yourself when there are starving children who actually cannot eat because they can’t find food.” But then they claim to understand how terrible mental illness is. Yeah, sure. Why can’t they also understand how horrible EDs are? That they are real illnesses? It makes me want to starve to spite them, and then I really do feel selfish and shallow. I hate myself. It’s like I know I’m awful but can’t stand to hear it.

To everyone hating on Beckett:

I’m seeing a lot of crap being throw at Beckett right now, and I have to say something. She is not being selfish. Beckett wanting time and space does not make her an awful wife or human being. Unless you have experienced some kind of trauma, or some kind of horrible life changing event, then I suppose you really can’t understand how she’s feeling. Beckett spent years in therapy, and years telling herself every night that she could rise above all the awful things she’s experienced in her life. Now imagine finally believing you are over it all, just to have it thrown back in your face. Imagine all those feelings rushing back all at once. It’s suffocating, it’s scary, it’s painful. That’s not something that will ever go away. It’s one thing to have the thought about what’s happened come to mind, and another thing entirely to be triggered by it. Beckett needs space for herself, and space so she can feel safe enough to show Castle. It’s all about feeling safe. Forcing her to try and feel that way, especially because she’s married now so she should “trust Castle and share” not only makes the situation worst, but harder to deal with because you’re adding guilt into the equation. Of course she trusts him, but why shouldn’t she trust herself by giving herself what she knows she needs? She is not wrong for needing time and space, and Castle is not “an idiot"for giving it to her. That’s honestly the best thing he can do. And besides, isn’t that what she did for him last season? He did distanced himself a bit, and ignored her a few times when she brought up his disappearance, and yet she trusted him enough to let him sort it out with himself before going to her. Did anyone yell at Castle for that? No. So please take this into consideration next time you try and shame her for feeling something she can’t control, especially when you’re so willing to let Castle off simply because he isn’t Beckett doing it.