i feel poor again

In which the Sorting Hat is Very Bitter

Okay, so let’s say McGonagall decided to have the Sorting Hat choose compatible roommate pairs for eighth years. 

Only then it put Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy together.

So McGonagall determined that this was clearly a mistake and the Sorting Hat just wasn’t meant to choose anything but Houses, and she gave up on the whole idea and chose all the pairs herself: notably Harry with Ron and Draco with Blaise.

But by the end of the year, those particular pairs have switched places because Harry and Draco started dating and shagging all the time, and Ron and Blaise bonded over their mutual cringing and love of chess and beer.

And McGonagall eventually realizes what’s happened and is absolutely shocked. She wonders belatedly if she oughtn’t have let Hermione Granger and Millicent Bulstrode, or Pansy Parkinson and Susan Bones, or even Theo Nott and Neville Longbottom also room together and possibly become friends that year.

But the worst part of it doesn’t happen until next year’s sorting ceremony, when the hat opens its brim and starts to sing the song it’s been working on all year:

Oh, McGonagall’s our Headmistress
and she is really great
but sometimes even she can make
a horrendous mistake

Like ignoring the advice of
a hat that’s very smart
a hat that has been sorting
Hogwarts students since its start

I told her many pairings and
she second-guessed them all
Yet it wasn’t ‘till the last one
that she met her downfall

Potter and Malfoy would go well
with certainty I said
and as you all have heard by now
they like to share a bed

But she said ‘no’ and ripped me from
my place upon this stool
and then she did the sorting she
thought the best for the school

But because I know your minds and
I never get it wrong
she messed it up and forced me
to compose this bitter song

Yes Parkinson and Bones became
the very best of mates
And Longbottom and Nott will be
good friends until they date

Potter’s in love with Malfoy and
they even share their pants
Don’t let your preconceptions
stop you giving me a chance

Don’t make the same mistake as her
Accept the place you get
For if you doubt my sorting
I promise you will regret

Headmistress McGonagall
can attest on my behalf
I’m sure she will think twice next time
now I’ve had the last laugh

sadness

Me, a survivor of sexual assault and rape: “It’s so cool that SJM writes characters who experience sexual trauma but can still have healthy relationships and heal”

Anti-SJM blogs: “Wow y'all will literally praise SJM for anything this is such basic shit hahaha get standards”

(Meanwhile)

The Entire World™: “Remember how rape victims are just poor victimized babies who are Broken Forever and will never be pure or whole again wow”

Anywhoo how was everyone’s day?

A 1 year anniversary selfie!  :L I really need to thank @thatsthat24, @thejoanglebook and @tallykat3 for making the Sanders Sides such an amazing series, and bringing together such a wonderful community!  💛 

(This was my first attempt at digital art, and I think it killed me.)

so………yixing, tao, and kris all attending @ the victoria’s secret fashion show……….

“You think ten years is a long time? It is nothing to me. I have lived in darkness for ages.”

WHO SAYS THAT BYRON

WHO ACTUALLY SAYS THAT 

i always forget that brook is probably going to be the last straw hat standing and i am Hurt by the thought that he could very well drift the seas alone once again

8

I can’t possibly be the only one who noticed similarities between the endings of Life is Strange and Xena Warrior Princess… right?

It was the kind of kiss that pulled all the stars out of the sky and left the world in darkness. A brief pause in time that made you wonder if before this, you’d ever really lived.
—  Amidst The Stars
3

@winslowdraws‘ darlin doughy fella, Fantouche! Plus some alt versions because you know what they say about spice and life.

Sorry Not Sorry

Shawn Mendes x Reader

dad!Shawn 

MASTERLIST

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Word Count- 1539

Request/Summary- Hi is there any chance you could do a Shawn imagine where he wins an award and during his acceptance speech he thanks his wife and daughter who are at home and accidentally lets it slip that his wife is pregnant again (cause I feel this would be something the poor boy would do because he would be so excited to tell people ). Thank you

A/N- this is fucking adorable the second i read this request i could picture it in my head oh my god I’m so excited please enjoy, and guests whaaaattttt I’m taking it to the next level so anon, thank you very much

also this is the year 2024, so Shawn is 26, but his career is still thriving and he is a family man and he is sooooo happy


Good luck my darling I love you! Lydia is staying up to watch so you better win, but we will love you no matter what happens!, You shoot a quick text to Shawn as you turn on the TV. 

“Alright baby you can have one popsicle while we wait for daddy to come on okay?” You lean down to Lydia as she stands in front of the freezer. 

“Oh mama…” She sighs. 

“Yeah baby, what’s wrong?” You ask concerned. 

“Mama I’m confused.” She sighs once again. 

“About what Lyd?” You sit on the floor with your back on the fridge. 

“Mama, I want the orange popsicle for me, but I want the strawberry popsicle for daddy.” Lydia sighs, she is genuinely sad at her conflict. 

“Aw baby!” You laugh, “What do you mean you want a popsicle for daddy?”

“Well the orange popsicle is my favorite, but if I don’t eat the strawberry popsicle daddy will lose.” She begins to tear up, “And I don’t want daddy to lose…”

“Well how about this baby,” You begin, “You can have the orange popsicle and I will have the strawberry popsicle for daddy. How does that sound?”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” She pulls out the two popsicles and runs to the couch, “Well come one mama! We can’t miss daddy!”

You laugh as you shut the freezer door and walk over to the couch where your three year old daughter is sitting. She is wearing her pink fuzzy socks and her Sofia the First night gown. As soon as we sat down the host announced Shawn’s performance and we watched as he took the stage. 

“THAT’S MY DADDY!” Lydia screams as she gets up from the couch and stands about two feet from the TV. You watch as Shawn walks onto the stage with his guitar around his back. His collared shirt is fit perfectly to his lean body.

“Mama hold my popsicle!” Lydia shoves her popsicle into your grip. 

“Lyd…” You stare sternly at her. 

“Sorry mama… please hold my popsicle while I listen to daddy.” She says while flashing her puppy dog eyes. 

“That’s much better baby.” You kiss her cheek before she quickly turns back around to watch her dad. She dances in circles throughout the entire song and you have just about as much enjoyment watching her little curls bounce, as you do watching Shawn perform.

Lydia calms down shortly after he finishes performing and once his award is up you begin to get nervous. “And the award for song of the summer goes to…” The celebrity guest says into the microphone, “SHAWN MENDES!” 

“DADDY!” Lydia screams as a shot of a very happy Shawn pops up on the screen. The cameras follow him as he walks to the stage where he is supposed to accept his award. 

Shawn happily grasps the award as he runs his free hand through his hair. “Wow…um wow!” He begins, “I can’t believe it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have two groups, I guess, of people to thank. Obviously my fans are everything to me. They brought me here and as cliche as it is, I genuinely wouldn’t be here without them. I also want to thank all of my friends, family, and loved ones that have supported me for the long run. Especially my little family. My daughter, Lydia, has changed my life forever and my wife, (Y/N) is my best friend. She is also superwoman because she is at home alone taking care of Lydia with another little one on the way, so (Y/N) thank you and I love you.”

Then he pauses. His face kind of goes blank as if he is trying to remember what he says and then he remembers that millions of people are watching him live right at that moment. A blush rises to his cheeks as he realizes what he just did.  A beautiful little secret that you and Shawn had kept to yourselves (with a lot of difficulty) had just been mistakenly revealed to the entire world and honestly… you couldn’t be more excited. You had told Shawn about your second pregnancy as soon as you found out, literally. As soon as you saw the three little positive marks on each of the pregnancy tests you ran right to the couch where your husband was relaxing. It was completely unexpected, but the perfect surprise. 

“Oh man, ohh I was not supposed to say that. (Y/N) I am so sorry that it came out this way!” He then turns to the side to give an I don’t know what to say face to Andrew who was standing to the left of the stage “Hi Lyd baby! Mommy and daddy haven’t gotten to tell you yet and daddy just ruined the surprise, but guess what? You’re going to be a big sister!” He gently leaned into the camera as if he was talking to his little girl face to face. 

“Alright I have already said way to much so I am going to just end with a simple, thank you.” He smiles and gave a quick wave and then rushes off the stage. 

You have the biggest smile on your face when your little girl turns around to look at you with her eyes and mouth wide open.

“Mama for real?” She asks.

“Yeah baby. Mama’s got a little brother or little sister in her tummy.” You place a hand on your lower stomach. Lydia walks up to you and points to your belly button when you pull your hand away. 

“Brother?” She asks in awe.

“Or a sister.” You smile. 

“Hello.” She presses her nose to your belly button. Your heart skips a beat and you only wish your husband was here to see this. “I think I love you.” She whispers her brother or sister. Lydia brings tears to your eyes. 

“Did daddy mess up?” She asks confused.

You immediately laugh before saying, “A little bit baby, but its okay. We were planning on finding a fun way to tell you together, but this was kind of fun right?”

“Mhmm!” She agrees. 

You have some explaining to do to a certain little girl! You text Shawn.  

He replies right away by saying, Can we FaceTime?

“Do you want to FaceTime daddy?” You ask Lydia. 

“Yes! Yes! I miss daddy!” She yells, “I want to show him my little brother!” It is obvious she wants a little brother. 

The phone only rings once before Shawn picks up and it is immediately obvious that he has found a quite corner backstage at the awards.

“Congratulations!” You and Lydia cheer once he picks up.

“I am so sorry!” He says first off, “I really didn’t mean to say that I was just nervous.”

“I know baby, I’m not mad at all.” You smile. 

“Wha-why?” He asks. 

“Because I love how excited you are and I don’t even care.” You laugh, “It’s perfect! I am however getting a lot of texts from friends and my mum is calling the house right now.”

“You can ignore that.” Shawn laughs. 

“Oh I’m planning on it.” You smile.

“I’m going to have a little brother!” Lydia cheers before doing  little happy dance.

“You think mommy has a little brother in her tummy?” Shawn asks.

“Oh yeah its a boy.” Lydia says with confidence. 

“Can you give the baby a kiss for me?” Shawn asks. His smile grows even wider as he watches his little girl kiss his wife stomach. 

“Do you want to tell daddy what you said to the baby a few minutes ago?” You ask Lydia as you brush your fingers through her hair.

“I said I think I love you.” She smiles to her daddy. You nod in the background to let him know that beautiful moment really did happen. 

“Well I know I love you and I know I love mommy and I know I love the little baby growing in mommy’s belly.” Shawn smiles, “I have to go, but I can’t wait to come home and you Lyd. I love you baby girl.” Shawn blows a kiss and Lydia returns a more sloppy but equally as loving kiss to Shawn. She then marches out of the screen to wait for you to help her brush her teeth. 

“Thank you for being so good about this.” Shawn praises.

“Always. I honestly love how it happened.” You laugh, “You will be all over the internet tomorrow though!”

“Oh I am already trending on twitter!” Shawn sighs. 

“I have to go help Lyd, I can’t wait to see you.” 

“I love you beautiful.” Shawn smiles, “Take good care of yourself please, you’ve got my kid in there.” He pretends to be stern. 

“Oh I will.” You laugh, “Be safe and come home soon, I love you!” 

“I love you more!” 

anonymous asked:

Hello! Can I get separate scenarios of Kuroo, Oikawa, Akaashi, and Tsukishima saying dirty things to their female s/o but she is so pure and innocent and clueless that she doesn't get a thing that they're saying? It can be fluffy at the end like they tell her what it means or they keep her innocence. Thanks again!

Lol, poor thing! I honestly feel like all of these guys could - and would - have a significant other like this. My thirst for their corruption is real!

Enjoy, Anon!

P.s. I hardcore headcanon that Akaashi is the most sexually experienced out of all the Haikyuu!! boys. There’s no way that pretty head and setter hands don’t know their way around a body! (;


Really, when the words had left his lips to whisper into ear about what he could do to her later than night, he was expecting a much bigger reaction than what he had received. Instead, Kuroo stared at her blank face, her brows furrowing slightly as she turned to look at him, the confusion evident in every feature.

“What?” she questioned and for a split second, he was certain that she was joking. That she was playing up this innocent act that she was so known for. So when he smirked and she still gave no more reaction to them, he instantly became worried that he would have to explain them: out loud.

The laugh that left him held a note of uncertainty. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do now that he had the potential of corrupting her beyond anything that she had apparently known. Instead, he smiled genuinely, charmed by this innocence he was glad to know was so pure, and leaned to gently peck her lips with his own. That mouth quickly smirked upward, his gaze becoming sultry as his fingers slowly traveled up the skin of her thigh. “I can show you, yeah?”


The moment Oikawa saw her brows pinch together, he was terrified that he had crossed too far over a boundary line that had yet to be established. He had assumed too much and now they thought he was a disgusting pig, he was absolutely certain that was the case. 

A panic surged into his stomach and his own expression took on that of horror, his hand instinctively reaching out to clasp tightly to hers. “I’m so sorry,” he spoke quickly, desperate to make up for the idiotic mistake he was sure he had made, “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Now her expression sank deeper, the corners of her lips tilted down in the slightest. “For what?” she asked then, fingers returning the hold of his, but a new wave of confusion washed over her with the reaction he was portraying now - so different from the confidence he had possessed when he had originally spoken the unknown phrase to her, “I’m not sure what you even said.”

Almost instantly, his confidence returned, the fire stoked by the idea of tainting someone who was so pure. He wanted to be the one to do that, to deliver the words, the touches, and the actions that pulled that untarnished mind and body. Pressing his lips against the shell of her ear, he was quick proud of the bright red that carried over the surface of her face as he purred his next words.


Akaashi had expected the blank response he got after his insinuation of what he could do to her when they were back at his home. Knew that the statement would make little to no sense for someone who was so innocent. And he loved it. Loved that he had this experience that he would be able to carefully teach them with elicit words and expert touches.

A small mischievous smile rested on his expression, body remaining close to hers as he leaned back into his seat, hand casually resting on her knee where his thumb gently stroked. Of course, he’d wait patiently. He wanted her to be curious, to want to know about the things he suggested and to learn. Never would he push for her to face these things unless she wanted to.

Watching as the thoughts swam around in her head was endearing, aware that she was trying to make sense of the words without having any knowledge of where to base them on. “What does that mean?” she finally asked, eyes falling to his hand on her knee.

His eyes surveyed her carefully before leaning in to press his lips delicately to her chin to then bring them to her ear, where he nipped lightly at her lobe. “I could tell you, or I could show you,” he offered, feeling goosebumps rise under his touch, “just say the word.”


“Oh?” was the first thing that left her lips when Tsukishima pulled away from whispering into her ear. Her gaze was on the floor before turning up to him to see his lips pulled back in the smallest of smirks which instantly caused her own to drop. “Okay, don’t laugh,” she started, instantly catching the full attention of the boy that she was sure was teasing her, “but I don’t understand.”

His expression faltered slightly, which was amusing in itself to see the collected Tsukishima so taken aback by the simple comment. It was regained quickly though, his arms crossing over the surface of the desk before him, eyes taking her in thoughtfully. “Not a bit of it?” he questioned then, voice curious.

“Not a bit,” she admitted shamelessly. She knew what this could mean for her, especially when it came to the blond before her, but she was used to his relentless teasing. She was prepared for what was inevitable.

But what did come, she hadn’t expected in the slightest. The smile had returned, this time carrying a new hint of something she wasn’t entirely sure of. There was a meaning behind it that was lost to her, but she guessed she would find out soon if she knew her boyfriend at all. “Then tomorrow be ready for your first tutoring lesson.”