Harry rolled his shoulders experimentally and regretted it as soon as the pain of his clenched muscles shot through him. His arms were heavy and holding his head up became more difficult with every passing second. He was simply exhausted. He dragged his feet across the floor, not caring about the mud on his shoes. He almost collapsed when he reached the stairs; he couldn’t go up. He could barely move!
He was about to surrender to the aching in his body, his insides screaming at him to lie down, when two arms circled him from behind. Harry didn’t turn around and made no sound as the arms tightened around him and a body pressed against him from behind. The exhaustion didn’t vanish, but it was momentarily replaced by shame.
Draco had begged him not to go on this mission, not to go undercover for two months. But Draco didn’t understand. Harry had no choice. Still, he felt like he let Draco down. They hadn’t been able to communicate at all for the last eight weeks.
Harry grunted when Draco started moving them up the stairs, pushing Harry forward with his own body. Everything around him became a blur. He closed his eyes as Draco undressed him.
“Are you hurt somewhere?” Draco asked curtly. Harry tried to shake his head and winced.
“No,” he croaked. “They…” He took a deep breath and tried to open his eyes. “They would have taken me to St Mungo’s if they’d thought it was bad.”
Draco huffed in response and wordlessly moved them to the shower. When the first splash of hot water hit Harry’s scalp, he let out a whimper. He leaned back against Draco and let the other man support his weight. Draco’s touch was tentative and yet sure as he washed the grime out of Harry’s hair and off his body.
The hot water made everything blurry again and Harry felt so dizzy and weak, his knees gave away. Draco caught him before he could hit the floor. Draco always caught him.
Harry blinked and realised he must have passed out. His head was on a fluffy pillow, a soft mattress under him. His fingers brushed the silk sheets as he slowly moved his hand, searching the warm touch of his boyfriend. Long fingers intertwined with his. Draco brought their hands to his face and hesitantly kissed Harry’s knuckles. When Harry brushed his fingers across Draco’s cheek, the smile that had been starting to form on his lips immediately died. He turned his head, so he could see the blond’s face.
“Draco,” Harry said, his voice thick and raspy. The other man was looking at him with red-rimmed eyes, clearly trying not to sob. Harry’s chest tightened at the sight. Before he could say anything else, Draco moved closer to him and buried his face in the crook of Harry’s neck. Feeling the wetness of Draco’s tears on his skin almost made him choke.
“Please,” Draco sobbed, uncontrollably now. “Please, don’t ever do that to me again. I thought you were dead.”
Harry lifted his other arm to wrap it around his boyfriend. His face contorted in pain, but it didn’t matter how much pain he was in.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmured, stroking Draco’s hair.
“Please, Harry! I know it’s selfish, but-”
Harry pulled him closer and pressed his cheek on Draco’s forehead.
“No, it’s okay. It’s okay for you to feel that way,” he whispered. They’ve had many arguments about Harry’s job in the past, but never had Draco broken down like this before. It was the final straw for Harry to reconsider his career. The last few weeks hadn’t been easy for him either. He had questioned more and more if this was all worth it, risking his life like that over and over again.
“I’m sorry I missed both our birthdays,” Harry murmured against Draco’s hair.
“There’s still a bit of cake left,” Draco hiccuped. “Molly brought it over yesterday. Andromeda and Teddy were here, too. They thought you might come home for your… for your birthday.” Draco squirmed as he started sobbing again. Harry leaned down to kiss his cheek, suppressing a groan as his muscles protested.
“I won’t leave you again. I promise, okay?”
Draco grunted and shook his head vigorously.
“No, I mean it,” Harry said, “I won’t do it again. I hate seeing you like this and frankly, if it were the other way round, I’d probably go insane. So, I’m going to tell Kingsley tomorrow, that I’m taking a leave of absence. And then we’ll see where things will go, okay?”
It took Draco a while to calm down after that. When he peeked up at Harry, his eyes were puffy and his face blotchy.
“I should be the one comforting you. I’m sorry for pressuring you like this,” he murmured.
“No,” Harry said, resolutely. “Nothing is worth making you feel like this. And honestly, I hate being away from you all the time. We had so many plans when we started going out and we didn’t even get to do half of it because of my stupid job. Sod that! I want to spend every waking moment with you.”
Draco sniveled, rather inelegantly.
“You don’t have to say that just because you think it’s what I want to hear.”
“Well, believe me or not,” Harry said, tightening his grip on Draco again, “from now on, you won’t be able to get rid of me.”
Draco buried his face in Harry’s neck again, his body shaking. Harry realised this was the second time he’d seen Draco cry. And Harry promised himself it would be the last.
I understand the good intentions, but for the new people to the blog, please don’t recommend yoga, green tea or veganism as cure-alls for the quite frankly, laughably moderate by comparison, health complaints you had.
I’m literally the living embodiment of the Ron Swanson gif that says: “I know more than you.”
And I don’t mean that to be nasty. It simply is a fact of this situation. I’ve been seeking medical care for the last 2+ years, I’m a qualified tea blender, I’ve got numerous certifications in alternative health therapies, including reiki, crystal healing, basic reflexology and a whole other host of random qualifications including doing yoga from the age of 12.
If I could have cured myself by now, I would have.
And please, in future, when a sick person is talking, curb the urge to say “have you tried this really simple obvious thing” because chances are that 99% of the time we have. We’re not stupid. We’re not sick out of laziness either. I know some people do it out of genuine well meaning but sometimes it almost seems reflexive, like you don’t believe illness is the result of something other than willful laziness and ignorance on the part of the sufferer. And if you feel that way I’d like you to take a moment to reflect on Why, and what that implies about you, rather than me.
Just y'know. Be genuinely mindful. It goes a long way to helping more than your need to tell me eating avacado cures cancer. Which a) no it doesn’t and b) even if it did I’m extremely allergic and your advice could literally kill me quicker than cancer. Ironic, really.
Do you ever think about what Steinberg and Levine achieved with this character and need to lie down for a while? They took an already iconic character and elevated him to something else entirely. He’s all of these things from Treasure Island throughout the story of Black Sails, to varying degrees, but he’s also so much more complicated than that, and the places where those variations and complexities meet are what make his arc and development so fascinating to watch. Every step of his journey is believable and, even though the man in episode one is almost unrecognisable in comparison to the man at the end, he already had several of Long John Silver’s most fundamental traits right at the beginning. He was almost more Long John Silver before he actually was Long John Silver. The complexity of Flint’s character in this show is clearly astonishing, but they were able to build him from almost the ground up. Their Flint only had to tie in with ghost stories. The way they created their John Silver, who is so recognisable and yet so different at the same time, will forever be amazing to me.
More maths and essay writing sessions today. It’s exhausting, but I think it’ll be worth it! I finished my important modern history homework (I have to watch a movie for the last part) and got some results that I have some mixed feelings about…
I regret giving up ballet
giving up the chance to learn how to dance
now that the music is finally here,
walked in and broke my silence
and my ribs
my ribs, they started playing like a vintage piano
grand but humble
their ivories tickling my side just enough
to remind me I can still feel love
smitten and soft
like that sincere hello
I havent spoken in years
taped on the roof of my mouth,
my tongue beginning to learn how to write
the letters that I actually mean to give to you
the truth my chicken scratch penmanship will unveil
behind every ending sentence I held on the side of my cheek
because these days I find myself in search of a better word
a better sound, and my body
all she wants to do is paint the air with gestures,
as if the way our movement fills every empty space, writes our names in cursive on the face of time so much that astronauts call home
Just to say they can see how happy you’ve made me
all the way from Space
And not even space is enough distance to cover how long I promise to
keep you safe in the wells of my collarbones
out of two hundred and six, the bone I am most afraid to break
Lies above my chest
And just beneath my head,
afraid because somedays I find my fingers tracing its curve
and I realize how eager I am to break it for absolutely no reason at all,
Afraid because if I do, I’d know what it’s like to collapse like a marionnette
unable to breathe, to stand,
to bend myself into a shape that looks like me
I wonder how you see me
I know I dont look much like a dancer,
some days I imagine I resemble flowers more than people,
like Snowdrops swaying in some secret garden,
some unknown patch of good, tucked away only for people like you to find
but I know not everyone choose to step off the trail
and I wonder if I’m any good at all
There is a German legend, about Snowdrops
Where god sent snow to find flowers and ask them to share their colours
One by one they all said no, except for her, little pearlescent thing,
She agreed and in exchange Snow decided only she could bloom
in His prescence, first in every cold spring,
Cheerful and warm
Wrapped in his white blanket
Sometimes snowdrops and snow reminds me of us
They day you asked me to watch them fall in love
on our lunch break and you held the door for me
and asked if I was cold
For a moment I felt like the snowdrop,
cared for, loved
in the presences of my snow
smiling next to me,
Then I felt like the snow,
Relieved to have found someone willing to share with me
their heart, their favorite season
and this moment,
in vivid colours
I never knew winter could be anything but bleak
but here you are proving to me the colour
white is anything but blank
that it has veins that carries endless hues
I can compare my blushes to
I regret giving up ballet
because here the snow is falling
in sync to the melody the snowdrop is swaying to
If you listen close enough
there is music in the air, a song
Winter is playing just for us
I wonder if I should ask you to dance
If we do, I’d let you lead,
but only if you’ll let me fall in love with you