i feel like my life finally has meaning

An Update

Hey everyone. Gonna throw in some real talk here.

For the last few months I had lost health insurance that had kept me medicated and stable over the years. Due to having to switch insurance in California, it took a lot longer than expected to get approved, get an appointment, and finally get said medication.

During this lapse, my life kinda fell apart. I lost the urge to do anything. I stopped talking to a lot of my close friends. Drawing or anything productive seemed completely out of my reach. I didn’t take care of myself well, and was procrastinating on commissions and obligations with friends.

It has been some of the worst months of my life, but I tried to hide it from my friends and followers to keep this blog from becoming too much of a personal one. For that, I apologize.

But, things have finally turned around today. I just started medicating again, and I feel better than I had felt since before I left. I feel motivated again. I could finally draw something without thinking it was a pointless endeavor. It was a bit emotional I guess. 

But to summarize: After months of struggling, I feel like myself again. And that means I finally can work on things I had put off for months on end. 

‘The End’ is back in development. Commissions are going to get done. And comics will be made. To everyone who has been patient with these long lapses in updates, and to friends who have been encouraging me to keep going, thank you.

I’ll see you all very soon.

daslebenistgut  asked:

Hey psst Em, guess what? FTW can mean fuck the world or fuck the wolf depending on how Stiles is feeling in a particular day 😁😁😁

Originally posted by find-madness

He has it emblazoned on a t-shirt, with a picture of a wolf under the acronym. People usually think the FTW stands for “For The Win” and he’s just, like…..super passionate about wolf conservation. 

Derek finds it hilarious the day finally Stiles gets too cocky with his innuendos, being all, “yeah, I am super into wolves, you could say they are my life, I am the wolf whisper, my dude,” when someone asks him about the t-shirt and he gets sucked into speaking at a local wolf conservation campaign. For eight hours.

You deserved it. That t-shirt is ridiculous,” Derek says, afterwards.  

“Shut up.”

“I particularly liked the part when you told everyone wolves don’t respond to puppy piles, like ‘one might think’. When the old lady next to me saw my Detective badge, she suggested I check your home for ‘unusual activity’.” 

“And you corrected her, right?”


persona 4 team social links
  • levels 1-3: society expects me to fill a role and position in the world that i neither desire or feel equipped for and this combined with teenage hormones means that my anxiety is expressed in ways which can be quite literally self destructive
  • levels 4-8: i don't want to be chained down by the expectations of those around me, and to that end i will work towards self-fulfillment and actualization and determine what it is i truly want out of my life and out of this world
  • level 9: i think i've made a breakthrough in my identity and while it has come at the expense of some personal sacrifices i feel like i finally understand my place in this world and what i want to do

If I had even the tiniest inkling of doubt about participating in the mass binding taking place tonight (I don’t.), pulling the equivalent of the Tower from my deck erased it.

In this deck, the XVI card is appropriately named Oppression. It depicts the Wawalek, two Australian aboriginal sister goddesses who unintentionally soiled the waterhole of the Great Serpent Yurlungur with a single drop of menstrual blood. The serpent brought torrents of rain upon them and finally devoured them and their newborns.

In the darkness of Yurlungur’s belly, they wept and wept until they were reborn from his mouth into the light.

Meanings: Feeling overwhelmed, oppressed by circumstances or emotions. Like the Wawalak, the “light” has left your life; you are waiting to be released from the darkness.

Reversed: Though your situation may feel overwhelming and intimidating, hidden forces are at work to transform things for the better. Be patient.

As always, the cards prove their insight is no passing coincidence.

Now bring on the new moon so I can burn this orange cheesedoodle and use the ashes to paint sigils of healing.

Thoughts for today

Me: It’s finally happening. It’s EVEN! It’s here after what feels like eternity. Don’t get your hopes up though, there is probably just going to be a clip and a couple of text updates.

Skam: *gives us Isak’s contact name in Even’s phone (mannen i mitt liv), a clip exploring Even’s POV, a homemade video about Even’s love for Isak, a Hei Briskeby video showing Even and the balloon squad’s friendship and talking about Even’s past, a text between Mikael and Even (best bud!!), and a 21:21 update*


Originally posted by brunomarsalways

                BOOK STARTERS VOL.24     ( ATONEMENT )    ( Ian McEwan )   ( NSFW THEMES )

  1. ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜
  2. ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜
  3. ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜
  4. ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜
  5. ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜
  6. ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜
  7. ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜
  8. ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜
  9. ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜
  10. ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜
  11. ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜
  12. ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜
  13. ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜
  14. ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜
  15. ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜
  16. ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜
  17. ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜
  18. ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜
  19. ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜
  20. ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜
  21. ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜
  22. ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜
  23. ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜
  24. ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜
  25. ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜
  26. ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜
  27. ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜
  28. ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜
  29. ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜
  30. ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜


I’ve never celebrated this day.  I’ve always thought it trite and ridiculous.  I still do.  But it’s clearly important to you, and I think you view it as a way to celebrate what you feel for me in a special way, and so I am returning the favour with this letter, with your breakfast in bed, and with these flowers and this small token of my affection.  That is what you are meant to do, yes?  I apologise if the details are wrong.  I’ve never paid this holiday much mind.  But, you must know that the sentiments are deeply and sincerely meant.

You have changed my life for the better, John.  From the very first moment we met, you were like a warm and glorious Spring sun rising on the bleak, wintery landscape of my life.  Your smile.  The small, but trustful gesture of lending me the use of your phone when I was in need.  The fact that you actually did show up the next day, to look at the flat.  I wasn’t sure you would.  I want you to know how thrilled I was to pull up and see you standing there waiting for me.  

And then there you were, meeting me stride-for-stride from that moment on.  I was so very shocked when you flirted with me that first night at Angelo’s, when you were so quickly digging about for my relationship status.  I know you didn’t view it as flirting, but it read that way to me, and I was stunned that you might even consider such a thing.  Most people were instantly put off by me, but not you.  You were a remarkable exception, and your companionship was something I wanted desperately, from the very beginning.  But, I was so afraid of ruining it all, so I shut you down.  

You don’t know how much and how often I have regretted that, especially as it has become clear to me that you have loved me, in your own way, from the beginning, and that if I had, perhaps, acted more favourably in that moment, we might have arrived at where we are now, in much shorter order, and with much less suffering.  Of course then we would not have Watson, and she is quite the tiny wonder, isn’t she?  So, perhaps things have turned out for the best.

And so now, here we are.  Just the two of us (well—three of us), back beneath the same roof.  And you are staying.  Forever.  

Forever.  It’s such a beautiful word.  I know there are no guarantees in life, but I know your heart, and I know when your heart is set and rooted, and when it is not, and this feels real.  This feels like always to me.  You mustn’t doubt my commitment either, John.  There has never been, and never will be anyone else.

Thank you for making me your family.  Thank you for accepting that you are mine.  I find, lately, that I am continually warmed by how right, and how sublime it is to watch one’s best friend become their family.  You are the family I choose, and I will choose you over and over, day after day, for the rest of our lives, in small ways and large, no matter what may come.  You have my word, and you have me—soul, heart, and body.

It is strange to look forward to the days ahead.  I have not felt that in years.  Not since the day I came back to London, and realised that I had grossly miscalculated, and had lost you.  But now—now I wake up every morning, eager to open my eyes, to see you lying next to me, to see how peacefully you sleep under this roof, and in this bed, and eager to see what new joys and adventures the day ahead may hold.

It’s hard to fathom the fact that it is just a little over a month since my birthday.  So much has happened since then, hasn’t it, John?  We are so different.  Still ourselves, of course, but happier, more settled.  I feel safe again.  I feel safe in this, with you, with the life we are building.  And when I say ‘safe’, I don’t mean boring.  You could never be that.  You’re an eternal mystery and adventure, and I am very eager to jump back into a case with you again later in the week.  But, I do feel rooted.  Like finally, for once, I do not have to fear losing you.  It’s nice to feel that.  For a long time I wasn’t sure I ever would.  I wasn’t sure you wanted it, wanted me, and now I know you do, and it is the best feeling in the world.

Well, I have prattled on, haven’t I, and most likely kept you from your breakfast.  So I will kiss you and then let you eat.

I love you .  I love this life we share.  I love our family.

Thank you, John.  Thank you for everything.

Yours always,


Blue exorcist opening analysis

Since I watched the new opening of blue exorcist it got me right away. The feeling is so different of the first one, pointing out the twins relationship.

This is a cap of the first op:

Yukio is like  “I´m gonna help my demon bro” and is just centered in the conflict Rin has and his life in cram school:


This, for me, represents how Rin and Yukio look in the outside and what is really like in the inside of this characters:

-Rin, for the rest of the people looks like a bad sigal, because in this season his friends, the only friends he ever had discovered that he was Satan´s son. But really in the inside he is just a pure kid. He is kind, he wants to do the right thing, but thanks to his demon part he can´t achive that 100% of the times.

Maybe is the way he perceives himself, but what can´t he sees is how pure he is.

-Yukio, OMG this kid. For everyone he looks like a responsable, intelligent and calm person, he even don´t look and ack like a kid. He had to grow up very fast because he saw demons since he was  very young. He needed to learn how to be a good exorcist just to protect his brother. 

But in the inside of his soul he is a very dark person. Even he is a serious character, we have seen that he is not a kid anymore. He can see the dark side of this word and he has embraced pride and envy in his soul. He knows that that´s what is happening to him, he also realized that he was so obssesed with himself, and his true motivations was nothing but selfishness, he maybe is not even thinking anymore of protecting his brother´s life as a meta.

Shura said that people like Yukio were very dangerous, because you can´t know they true nature. I think the reader or the person how follows the anime, knows more less the mind set of Yukio, but it looks that is even worst than that.


This is just telling me that Yukio is the light for Rin to follow, the dream or meta. He admires his brother so much, even if sometimes Rin fights about ranges and knowledges, he always look up for Yukio in cram school.

Yukio, looks at Rin like the dark inside of him. He said that he hated Rin so much, but it was because he hates himself. He just represents all the choices that he made, his weakness, his fathers dead, everything on his shoulders as Rin.

They used the same dark/light patron here just to represent how the atmosphere feels between the two twins:

I concluded that this was in Rins perspective, because of this part. He looks at Yukio in the light, how he is a bigger person that him in so many aspects, and how he is a full human (well…). And he is just there, in the dark, looking at his brother and how they have to comfort with the life they are living.

(I leave the english traduction, because in matches so well).


That for sure, dont match with this:

Call it brother rivalry, but this has to much meaning (if you look the sequence). How Yukio looks Rin going foward with his own rules, while Yukio is jus behind him of power, meta, pure feelings and ever love (my poor yukio, when is gonna be fine :C )


Since You’ve Been Gone -- A Brittana Valentine’s Semi AU (Updated Daily Until Valentine’s Day)

A daily (until Valentine’s Day) updated work! “It’s been one year since Brittany stormed out of the door and left Santana to head to New York City. Things had been looking good for the pair with their wedding day only a few weeks away, but when Brittany got a new job in New York that would have meant a fast track for her career, Santana let fear keep her on the West Coast. On the anniversary of their engagement (and with the help of her friends Mercedes and Sugar), Santana has to put everything on the line to win Brittany back, and show her how much she’s missed her since she’s been gone.”

The phone had been ringing for about 45 seconds before Santana managed to untangle herself from the blanket, dig under one pillow (wrong one), another (another wrong one), and then finally flip herself upside down and slide a hand under a bed. It stopped ringing and she pulled it blurrily up to her face.


‘One Missed Call’ flashed harshly back at her. Of course, she should have been up. It was almost ten. But her job kept her up late most nights, and she’d gotten used to sleeping in, even on her days off. The call looked like it was from Mercedes, and she wondered what her friend would have to tell her in the middle of the day. She’s rubbed a hand through her thick, dark hair. Mercedes had only been back in the States a couple of months, but they wanted her for a production of Dreamgirls. She’d killed it in the West End for the past year, and now investors were scrambling to get some of her talent across the pond. She smiled thinking about Mercedes. She was so proud of her. In the meantime, the rehearsals had been running her friend ragged. She barely had time to chat as opening night got closer, but Santana had understood. She was about to call Mercedes back when the phone began ringing in her hand. She nearly dropped it again, before getting her bearing, and pressing Accept.

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PRIDE MONTH || Jason (He/Him)

It’s been about 3 months since I came out, and it’s been an interesting event!

I always thought that coming out would mean everything. I thought it would make my life significantly better, and that it would mean I would never feel bad anymore.

It does make some things better. I finally feel like I can be myself more than ever before. Coming out to me has meant that I can finally look in the mirror. It means I am finally somewhat pleased with how I present myself.

What I hadn’t taken into consideration though, is that being a visible transmale can be extremely hard. My dysphoria has gotten worse because I am constantly worrying about passing. Coming out has meant I worry about my safety a lot, and am afraid of people’s reaction. It has meant being threatened, purposely misgendered, screamed at and assaulted. It has been a struggle with both myself, and society.

This is the first pride month that I am out, proud and visible. The hard times coming with being out have put me through hell the past months. Being myself however, matters more at the end of the day. I am proud, and I hope all my transbrothers and sisters, both in and out of the closet, are too.


BNHA: Yesterday Upon The Stair, 21/?

Title: Yesterday Upon The Stair

Summary: Midoriya Izuku has always been written off as weird. As if it’s not bad enough to be the quirkless weakling, he has to be the weird quirkless weakling on top of it.

But truthfully, the “weird” part is the only part that’s accurate. He’s determined not to be a weakling, and in spite of what it says on paper, he’s not actually quirkless. Even before meeting All-Might and taking on the power of One For All, Izuku isn’t quirkless.

Not that anyone would believe it if he told them.

(Sixth Sense AU)


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Author-nim’s 1k Celebration || BTS Imagine

Originally posted by kookieinfirestae

The light’s in the room were turned off while her face was lit up by the faint glow of the laptop. Her eyes travelled across the screen quickly and her fingers flew over the keys, all the ideas leaving her brain and transforming into words on the screen.

She barely thought about anything as she continued to type. There was no plan, she had no idea how she had gotten here. The only thing she knew was she had to get these things done as quickly as possible. So many people were waiting for the next update and the pressure was getting to her.

The sound of the door opening didn’t even process through her brain. It wasn’t until he spoke that she realized somebody else had been in the room with her.

“What are you still doing up?” She jumped as his voice washed over her in small waves. Immediately she turned in her chair and came face to face with the person behind her.

“Yoongi, I didn’t expect you to still be awake.” She answered, avoiding the question completely. She didn’t want to explain to him about what was happening. How she could barely think as she tried to get things complete. How she only wanted to make sure that everyone was happy with her writing.

“Of course I’m still awake, who do you think I am?” He asked jokingly. She didn’t bother to respond as she turned back in her chair and continued working. She had to get this finished, that was all that mattered at this point. There was nothing else on her mind. “You’ve been in here for hours, don’t you think it’s time you come out?”

“After this.”

“Is she still going on about that?” Namjoon’s voice flooded through the room and she turned her head, gazing at the man who’s back was lit in the doorway.

“I haven’t been able to get her off the laptop for hours. She’s dead set on getting these done.” Yoongi explained. Namjoon sighed loudly before flicking on the bedroom lights. A hissing noise was heard from beside the both of them and they watched as the girl swatted at the air, covering her eyes.

They both laughed at her reaction but didn’t say anything else. Yoongi rolled his eyes before walking over to where she was sat and closing her laptop. She protested loudly, whining as the two of them turned her chair to look at them. Namjoon was kneeling in front of her and Yoongi stood behind with his arms crossed over his chest.

“You need to take a break Author-nim. You can’t keep working on these, you’re going to tire yourself out and run out of inspiration.” Namjoon started. The girl looked down sadly, knowing that he was right. She didn’t want to admit it but the stress of everything had been getting to her recently. There was school, and home issues, and work, and then she had to deal with all of the requests.

She wanted to get all of them done. The only thing she wanted to do was finish them so everyone would be happy. She knew people were still waiting and she knew that they were getting impatient. But there was so much else going on and it always stole her focus away.

“Besides, today’s a day to celebrate. Something very special happened.” Yoongi said from behind Namjoon. Author-nim’s eyes travelled from the floor to look at him in confusion. She didn’t know what had happened or why they would be celebrating.

Namjoon gave her a smile before standing up straight and reaching his hand out to her. She took it carefully and made sure she had a proper grip before standing up.

“This is going to seem odd, but we’re going to put a blind fold on you. You trust us, right Author-nim?” Namjoon asked, looking into her eyes so she would know she was okay.

“As long as you aren’t going to go fifty shades of grey on me everything’s good.” She replied. Both of the boys let out a chuckle before Namjoon grabbed the piece of fabric from his back pocket. He moved behind her and carefully placed the object over her eyes.

Yoongi’s fingers were cold against her red cheeks as he fixed the blindfold, ensuring that she wouldn’t be able to see anything. They didn’t want to spoil anything. Today was her special day.

Namjoon took one of her hands into his while Yoongi took the other and they both led her out of the room and into the living room of the dorm. It was much quieter than usual and Author-nim felt the nerves run through her. She wanted to stop them, in fear that they were actually going to go fifty shades of grey on her.

She was stopped suddenly and before she knew it the blindfold was being taken off and she was greeted by the sight of the seven boys standing in front of her. Jungkook stood in the centre of all of them, holding a cake and on top of the item it wrote “Congratulations on 1k Followers Author-nim”.

“We know it’s not a huge thing to most people but you finally hit a thousand followers and we thought we should do something nice for you.” Jungkook explained.

Laughter bubbled up inside of her and she couldn’t help but let it loose. All of them smiled at her reaction and laughed with her. Jimin looked at her before lining them all up and taking a photo, captioning it and posting it to their social media. She couldn’t believe they had done something like this and it made her so incredibly happy.

“So what do you have to say?” Jimin asked, training the camera onto her. She looked at what he was doing and she had realized he was live-streaming.

You sit in front of your screen, watching and waiting for the words to leave her mouth. The notification from V-Live went straight to your phone and now you were watching. Your eyes trained on her, taking in the big smile on her face and you couldn’t help but smile as well.

Thank you, to everyone who has taken the time out of the lives to click the follow button. It honestly doesn’t seem like a lot to most people but it means the entire world to me. To know that you appreciate my imagines enough to actually read them and like them and reblog them.

I feel so happy when people end up liking myself and I get reactions from people. I love knowing what I can do better and I love that you guys are so welcoming and happy about everything.

I never thought at all in my life that I would ever be celebrating a thousand followers and to finally have something like this it means the entire world to me.

BTS has become a big part of my life, and their music is always on. I get so much inspiration from them, and I’m glad I can share it with people who also care a lot about them. So thank you again, to everyone, to YOU, for following my account and liking my things. This account means everything to me, and I promise there will hopefully be more updates coming in the future.

You smile at your screen as the live stream continues on. You watch as finally she looks happy. She’s celebrating something so big in her life, and it’s all because of you. 

AN: This is my proper thank you note, in the form of an imagine. I just thought this would be a cute little thing. Thank you guys for supporting the account for this long and hopefully you’ll continue. I LOVE ALL OF YOU! <3


Ok, so it has been a hecka long time since I posted any selfies. In fact, I haven’t been on Tumblr much at all. I know I have quite a backlog of messages and asks, so if you’re seeing this and wondering if I’m ignoring you, please believe me when I say that I’m not and that I will respond to all of you.

So here’s the thing…about 2 weeks ago, I had a really disturbing dream. Not a nightmare, per say, but a dream with very uncomfortable subtext (or at least the way I’ve been interpreting it). Basically, I dreamt that I was at a small street art and music festival and went up to a vendor who was doing glamor makeup looks for free. So I let him put on the makeup, but when I look in a mirror, I see that he has made me up in blackface. So there I am, in full view of everyone and I’m running around frantically telling everyone around me “I’m not racist, I swear, I swear!” while trying to rub the makeup off, but it won’t come off.

Work has been completely consuming my life all this month, which isn’t unusual since finals are coming up, so I haven’t really had time to care about my gender, by which I mean even when I DID feel female, I chose not to acknowledge it. If it isn’t obvious, I felt like that dream was trying to tell me that I’m not actually transgender, that when I do present as female, it’s just an offensive costume/performance. Shouldn’t I care more? Shouldn’t I be more upset that I haven’t had time to be Christina? What does that say about me that I can just ignore what I’ve felt is the true me? Maybe I don’t deserve to call myself transgender. These are the questions that have been rattling in my brain on a daily basis.

So yeah. If anyone has any advice, I could really use it right now.

Show Me Love 12

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Plot:  Coming home is never easy.  Goodbyes are even harder.

Warnings: The return of Wanda and Nat, girl talk, Language, ANGST

A/N: I’m so sorry.

Missed something?  Find the beginning HERE

⬅️⬅️PART 11 ||| PART 13➡️➡️

You sigh as you shove yourself deeper into your old couch, a glass of water on the coasters you hadn’t used since you moved out, painkillers scattered beside it.  

Wanda had moved into your old bedroom when you moved out, meaning the only place available to crash was the couch.

Thank god it was the most comfortable couch known to man.

Or perhaps it’s because you were too drunk to tell the difference.

Classes weren’t set to start for another week, and after your trip, you were dying for some quality girl time.

That and you couldn’t stand the tension that was hanging between you and Bucky anymore.

And not the good kind.

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About Nikolai Krasotkin, aka 'Let's see if I can resurrect people too' (CONTAINS SPOILERS)

So after rewatching the Empire of Corpses for the 5th time in a week (somebody send help how do I quit this self-inflicted torture) I realised something.
It’s just a theory, or maybe I am completely oblivious and everyone thinks so already, but please follow my reasoning here. I promise I will try to make sense.

(The following contains spoilers. Please do not read unless you have watched the movie)

So, first time round I had assumed Nikolai was definitely dead by the end of the story. And by “dead” I mean zombified - unable to live a normal life just like Friday for most of the movie, to feel anything at all, stuck in that limbo alongside Alexei. Which made me really sad, as I loved Nikolai, and thought of him as an awesome role with lots of character.

Yet I felt something was a little off:

- We see Friday regain his humanity right at the end after Watson’s “death” and the absorption/sealing of Victor’s notes, pretty much out of nowhere and no specific further explanation is provided.

- My guess would be his soul has finally managed to come back because it’s not “stuck” anymore or kept under control by the First, who has died during the previous scene. We clearly see most of the people who had died during the Babbage attack get their souls back, and pretty much everyone that had been affected comes back to life.

- During the Babbage attack, we are shown a few scenes depicting everyone around the world being deprived of their soul in order to form one huge entity and bring the First’s bride back to life. “The analytical computer has touched the souls of the dead worldwide”. We even see some of the same characters from the previous scene all over again.

- Finally, by the end of the attack and during the epilogue after the credits, there are no more zombies left. We assume the world has come back to normality and eveything is fine.

- Which in conclusion, makes me think everyone that had been affected by the attack or the necromancy (which means, wasn’t ACTUALLY dead) is indeed ALIVE, and that would naturally include Nikolai, because why would he be an exception after all? His soul must have been stuck somewhere just like Friday’s, so… Why not?

What do you reckon?
Are Nikolai and Alexei also alive?
Feel free to throw in suggestions and discuss this, I am very curious to see what you think!

All That is Gold Does Not Glitter

Authors Note: I am out of my comfort zone writing this piece and it excites me. Just to let you know I used the suggested names for the game for the siblings and cousin. I hope you like it.

I’m shivering from the cold, the moon shines over the water that crashes against the ship. I’d spend more time looking at my reflection on the pool deck if I wasn’t figuring out the rest of my life.

When I got here I had never stepped out of my comfort zone. I never had to worry that all changed last year when my Nana passed. That’s when I became more of a recluse, it’s when the downward spiral, brought me on the cruise.

I would never classify myself as beautiful so it came as a shock to me when three random guys, fell in love with me. They want my hand in marriage and yet they probably don’t know my middle name. I actually don’t even know there’s? I’ve traveled across the globe with these men and know absolutely nothing about them.

All I know is the outside appearance. They are very handsome, and they all are willing to give up something important to them for what? Me? I mean three men want to marry me? A CEO, a Prince, and a Bartender. I’m not dating any of them, or maybe I’m dating all of them. I didn’t know the commitments I was making by going on dates.

They all look at me with the same grin, the box, and their eyes awaiting my answer. They want to know who I’ll choose. My siblings want to know who I’ll choose. I just want to know what to do.

Trust me, I’m not innocent in this I’ve gotten my fair share of bliss. I’ve been to an actual Palace. I’ve met a King and a Queen. I’ve been on Private Jets, before this I’ve only flown twice and I didn’t even fly first class. I’ve walked into a speakeasy, and danced the night away.

Maybe I shouldn’t doubt love. Thinking about it the boat is filled with it my sisters both have their respective lovers. Even my brother is opening up to Elena.

It’s easy right? I just have to marry one of them, and then I’ll get to know them, maybe one day I’ll actually fall in love with them. Or maybe I won’t and then I’ll spend my inheritance on a great divorce lawyer.

When did things get so complicated? When my Nana made this request I was already engaged. Would she want me to marry a complete stranger? The real question is can I marry a stranger?

I could use a drink but then Dean might be working, and he’ll ask if I made up my mind. I’d get on my phone but who knows if William or Leo will contact me to whisk me away.

I don’t want to travel anymore. I just want to enjoy the cruise. I just wanted to lay by the pool, and try and tan. I wanted to spend time with my family. I wanted to know if Jess picked between Carter or Blake, I wanted to know how Nicole won back Audrey, and I wanted to know how Alex was doing with Elena.

My plan was to just be me, and in between finding myself, I’d find time. Time to have a drink with my siblings. Instead I’m trying to find the time to choose my husband.

I don’t know what to do, at this point it would be smarter to just pull a name out of a hat. I’ll just marry the guy whose name I picked out of a hat. Jess would tell me to marry the one who gave me the biggest diamond. Nicole would crunch the numbers between each man and our chance between happiness and divorce. Alex, well he’d tell me to be with the one who gives me butterflies.

Why can’t I just get married when I’m ready? I mean I won’t get the inheritance money. Well I don’t really need the money, great now I’m lying to myself.

I just need someone else to make the decision for me.

I go to Alex’s cabin first knocking softly on the door, hoping I don’t wake Elena. Alex is up, and it looks like so is Elena.

“Hey is everything okay?” He asks ushering me inside.

“I mean I guess nothing out of the usual. I just,” I look over and notice the discarded clothes and the robe. Oh god did I just interrupt them? Oh please tell me I’m not in this situation. “I can leave and come back.”

“No sit down.” It’s a request and I tip toe around the clothes and park myself at the endge of the bed.

“I need to know who you think I should marry?”

He whispers with Elena before they both nod. Alex finally answers my question, “I feel like William could securely take care of you. He has the money, and would take you around the world. I mean he’s already flown you all over the country. You could live that life, forever. You’d never have to worry about money again.”

I nod and kiss him on the cheek walking out, I could travel the world. He says he’ll cut back in his company for me, but do I want that for him. Would he honestly be able to stop the time management lifestyle he has. Would we get along when we aren’t flying across the globe.

I’m knocking on Nicole’s door but I know better. She’s with Audrey probably knocking another thing off her list. When I do find them, they are in the middle of the dance floor smushed between other people. I find myself squeezing between sweaty bodies, to get to Nicole.

I’m shouting over the music to try and get her attention. “Nicole!”

“Oh hey what are you doing here?” I could ask her the same, but I know what she’s doing. I wave her over and she follows me after kissing Audrey once.

“I have a question who do you think I should marry?”

“Leo, you two go on adventures together, and I’m not just talking about whisking you away. He’ll always keep you on your toes. You need a guy like that. One that who wants to have fun, everyday of your life will be unexpected.”

“Yeah maybe, hey it looks like Audrey needs your attention. I’ll see you later.” I give her a hug, and walk out of the club.

Sure Leo has kept me on my toes, and it was nice at first. Except will there ever be a day where we could settle down? He’s giving up the throne because of the responsibility, but I need someone responsible.

I’m walking through the kitchen doors knowing that Jess is in the middle of dinner service. I get strange looks from the staff, but they zoom past me. I’m not the main priority, their guests are.

“Jess,” I call out she turns around with a huge tray in her hands.

“You can’t be back here right now.”

“It’s an emergency, well kind of.”

She sends a pout, Carters way and he grabs her tray. She smiles at him before he leaves, and rushes over to me. “Okay we have about two minutes.”

“Who should I marry?”

Jess looks towards the doors and then back to me.

“Dean you should marry him. He wouldn’t expect you to be anything other than yourself. Plus he seems the most down to earth. Imagine you could stay on the boat, and live life on the ocean.I love you but I have to get out there, before Blake has my head.” She waves and struts out of the kitchen towards the guests. I wave back.

Sure Dean is more of my style. A relaxed man, who has done all he could and can to get him where he’s at. The problem is I don’t want to spend my life on a boat, and I haven’t heard him really want anything else.

They have been no help at all. They’ve all seemed to grow up as the cruise continues. I never expected to find Nicole on the dance floor, or Jess taking her job seriously. Alex is taking risks with his love life. They’ve all had some sort of personal growth and I haven’t changed for the better at all.

I see my cousin standing alone ay the end of the ship. Violet and I don’t get along, but maybe the one who dislikes me the most could give me the best advice.

“Can I ask you something?”

She jumps back before turning with her signature glare. “I guess.”

“Who do you think I should marry?”

“Do you really care what I think?”

“This might surprise you and me but yes, yes I do.”

“Don’t marry any of them.”

“Is this out of spite, or for the money, or is it because we’re family?”

“It’s because you don’t know any of these guys. You can’t just marry someone because of pretty rings.”

“Then I spent this entire cruise wasting my time. I just feel so lost.” I hang my head low Violet pats my back awkwardly.

“You’ve been around the world, and back. I think you found yourself here, and it’s not thanks to those guys. It’s thanks to yourself.”

“You sound like you know what your talking about.”

“I don’t, but I read a lot of books. The books give me a better insight of the world, the people, and the problems they face.”

“I didn’t know that about you Violet.”

“You didn’t ask.” Her eyes become sorrow filled and maybe I should have asked. Maybe I should try harder with her.

“I think this might be the most civil conversation we’ve had in, well, forever. You’ll have to give me some book suggestions.”

“Maybe I will. So you think you’ve figured out what to do?”

“I think that I might know what to do from here.”

“Don’t tell your siblings about this then they’ll want free advice too.”

“I won’t, but this does mean I’ll be coming back for more advice.”

“I’ll charge next time.”

I let a smile grace my face for the first time that day, I took one last walk across the ship. When I finally made my way to my cabin I found a note on my door.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

I knew the for once I had to choose myself.


Chris&Eva #7 pt.2 (Skam)

Hello, lovely readers. Here is the second part. It’s quite long, sorry for that.  I don’t think I will do two part fics again. I am not very good at romance… I hope you won’t cringe too much.

Hope you enjoy it



Eva’s  reaction when her mother told that there was letter for her left on the porch, was confusion and  disbelief.  She went outside and there it was, white envelope with her name written on it. She didn’t recognize the handwriting. Maybe it was ment for some other Eva? But it wasn’t mailed, sender had brought it to her house. She opened envelope, taking out the sheet of paper that was in it, and started reading.

Dear Eva
I don’t know what I have done to make you avoid me like a wildfire… What ever it is, I want you to know how sorry I am. How can I fix it? What even is “it”????
Fuck this.
Anyway, I am not good with words. Not when it really matters… Thank God, there are people who are. So, quoting Jonathan Safran Foer…
“I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.”
That is all.
Please call me.

She read and reread the letter standing on the porch, laying on her bed at two in the morning, in classroom. It took her two days to reach out to Chris via text and ask him to come to her house, so they could talk. Talk about what? Was it how he really felt? Or was he just messing with her?

She was anxiously pacing the room, frantically checking her phone. Minutes were slowly dragging one by one until she heard a knock on her front door. She quickly hurried upstairs to open it, but once she reach it, she hesitated. What should she say? How should she act? This was so confusing.

She opens the door revaling disheveled looking Chris. His hair was all messy, shirt was wrinkled and he had dark circles under eyes. He looks lost and broken. She almost can’t recognize the Chris Schistad that she’s used to seeing, but then he smiles, that beautiful smile of his that always makes her heart beat faster, and she sees him, she sees he boy that she can’t help but have feelings for.

“Hey…” Chris began. He was afraid that if he said more, his heart would leap out of his chest. Chris wasn’t sure of what he should say next.Hey, I confessed my feelings for you through a letter. Do you feel the same or should I just leave? By the way, you look as stunning as always.
“Hi. Do you… do you want to come in?” Eva asked,awkwardly tugging at her sweater dress.
“Do you want me to?”
His question surprises her. Did she want him to come in? Yes What was it, that she truly wanted? Him, she wanted him so badly.
“Sure,” she said, hoping that she sounded more careless than she actually felt.
She led him into kitchen and turned the kettle on. Her mom always said, that there are no problems that can’t be solved over a cup of tea.She felt his gaze on her, while she was making two cups of peppermint tea. Her favourite… But what if Chris hated peppermint tea? She hadn’t even thought to offer him what kind of tea he wanted. And she had already put teaspoon of sugar in his tea, just like she had put a teaspoon of sugar in hers. She realized that she didn’t know how he prefered to have his tea, maybe he didn’t even like tea. She had just assumed that he did. That’s how it always was, her assuming things about Chris. Reality was painfully obvious, she didn’t know anything about Chris. Sure, she knew he loved to party and his drink of choice was Heineken, and that he was fiercely protective of his friends. But anyone who had went to school with him knew that. She didn’t know the little things, like, what his favourite color was? What was his favourite season? Was he a cat person or a dog person? She didn’t know these little things about him, the things that mattered.

She turned around to face him, he was still leaning against the kitchen doorway, unsure of  whether he was allowed to come any further. She took both cups and headed for the living room. She heard him follow her. Eva’s house was quite spacious, but in that moment she felt like there was no space big enough for both of them.  She put both mugs on the coffee table and sat on the sofa putting as much distance between them, as she could, because if he did as much as place his hand on hers, she was afraid that she would dissolve. That’s how much power he had over her.

“Listen, Eva, in my letter I told you how I felt about you,” Chris began suddenly unsure of himself. It was easier to write down his feelings  using other people’s wording, but now he was looking at this girl, this gorgeous girl, who in just few short months had changed his outlook on life, love,  relationships and inspired him to become a better person. And now, here he was, wearing his heart on his sleeve and asking her if she felt the same way he did. “And I just want to know if… if you might feel the same way about me?”

“Chris… You don’t really know me. How can you say that you love me?” Eva asked puzzled, it was true. He didn’t know her and she didn’t know him. Whatever, he thought he felt for her wasn’t real. And whatever she thought she felt for him wasn’t either. 

“What are you talking about? Of course I know you. I know you better than I know myself.” His voice hoarse, his expression blank.
Eva knew that she had to be careful choosing her next words. She knew that no matter how hard Chris tried to hide behind the mask of bravado and carelessness , his heart was just as fragile as hers.

“ What is my favourie movie, then? How do I like my eggs in the morning? What do I want to do after I graduate? What country do I want to travel to? You can’t answer these questions about me, and I can’t answer them about you. We don’t know each other. All  we have is lust.”
“Those things don’t matter!” Chris retorted, standing up.
“They matter to me!” Eva replied, standing up as well,”Why me? There are plenty of girls just aching to be with you! What’s the difference between them and me?

“The difference? The difference is that I love you! I am so terribly in love with you, that I don’t even pay attention to anyone else. I might not know what’s your favourite movie or where you want to travel one day, but I know that you are fiercely protective of your friends. And that you miss your mother when she is away on business trip, even though you would never admit that, and that you would do anything to have Ingrid as your friend,again because you still can’t forgive yourself for going after Jonas behind her back. And because I have never given speech like this to anyone in my life before, until you.  It has got to mean something right? If you-”  Chris didn’t have time to finish his sentence because Eva grabbed his face and kissed him, making him forget what he was about to say. Only thing on his mind was Eva. Eva kissing him. Eva’s hand in his hair, her other hand sliding under his shirt, making him involuntarily shiver. They broke apart after what felt like forever, yet it didn’t feel long enough. Their foreheads pressed together, neither willing to open their eyes.’

“So, I take it, my charm and good looks finally won you over?” He said attempting to joke.
“Oh my God, you are annoying beyond belief. You know that, right?” She said trying to pull away from him, but Chris just pulls her closer enveloping her in a hug.
“You love it,” he replied with a laugh.
“Yes, I do. I love it,” she said.
Somehow, they both knew it wasn’t his annoyingness, she was talking about.

“Larry Fics You Should Read if You Haven’t Already” Fic Rec

I know it’s not Sunday so this is really random for me to post, but I’ve been wanting to do this Fic Rec for a while! Basically, this is a Masterpost for popular Larry Fics that are MUST READS. I know that there’s a lot more than just what I’m putting on this list, but hopefully it will cover enough for now! 

1. Escapade (146k) by dolce_piccante

In the grand scheme of things, finding a date for a wedding should be no problem for Louis Tomlinson. He’s rich. He’s handsome. He’s reasonably well behaved. But when the wedding is for his lifelong best friend (and former boyfriend), and is happening in under a month, finding a date for the ceremony and accompanying festivities becomes more of an adventure than he ever could have planned for.

2. Fading (202k) by tothemoonmydear

Louis knows about beauty; the combination of qualities that pleases the aesthetic senses. He creates that combination every day in the garments he designs while studying fashion at uni. The cut of the design, the color of the fabric, the intricacy of the stitching; it all comes together to create something beautiful. When the science student with the long legs and dimpled smile agrees to model for him, Louis decides he’s found beauty personified. Harry just thinks Louis needs someone to show him how beautiful he is.

3. Young & Beautiful (227k) by Velvetoscar

Louis, to his horror, attends an elitist university in which the name Zayn Malik means something, Niall Horan doesn’t stop talking, there are pianos everywhere, and Harry Styles, only son of a drug-addled, clinically insane ex-rocker, has a perfect smile and empty eyes.

Keep reading