i feel guilty

TAG 9 PEOPLE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW BETTER - I was tagged by @arrowtothecrown (thank you very much <3)

Relationship status: Taken, quite in love with @sanromatic (me caes bien, mai)

Pets: Canelo <3

Favorite Color: Black, though dark gray is cool too.

Wake up time: It depends, as of lately I have been getting up early, between 5-7am

Cats or Dogs: Both. <3

Coke or Pepsi: Coke

Texts or Calls: Texts. I find it easier and, unlike phone calls, it doesn’t drain me and I have fun.

Chapstick or Lipstick: It depends on the occasion. 

Last song I listened to: Bleed Bleed Bleed by Thieves Like Us

Tagging: Unfortunately, I’m doing this from my phone and it always takes a bunch of tries to tag correctly and I’m kinda exhausted, so I’m gonna take the shortcut and tag whoever wants to do it. <3


This video is based on the fact that sometimes when I lie awake at night I dwell on all the things I still feel guilty about despite the fact they all happened years ago!

I feel disgusting for being abused as a child. my self-esteem is horrible and I feel guilty all the time. I feel like nobody cares about what happened to me
—  Posted by Anonymous.
My thoughts on Red vs Blue season 14

I’ve been thinking for a while about writing down my thoughts and feelings about the current season. First things first, I absolutely adore Rooster Teeth and the amazing things they produce but I also believe in that one shouldn’t just blindly consume media/content. And I also acknowledge that what they do is something I could never do. So here I am terrified of writing this down but I feel like I need to do this for my own sanity’s sake.

So. Let’s start from the beginning. When they announced RvB season 14 and that it would be an anthology my first reaction was disbelief. I believe I even posted that I hoped it was a joke. We had just finished season 13 with a massive cliffhanger and even though I get what the writers were going for with the whole faith thing, and that it was up to everyone’s own perception on if the crew survived, I was still desperate for the canon “answer” to the ending. I didn’t see the point in having a loose ending that was open to interpretation, but then them later on continuing the story if not from the exact moment then a bit later on in the story effectively making all other headcanons on what happened void. So when they announced that s14 would in fact not continue from that moment it felt like a smack in the face. From a rational standpoint I get their need for a break, but from an emotional standpoint I just wanted a canon form of closure. It was hard to accept that it would take a year longer than I had thought to get to see the continuation. 

But then I read things here on Tumblr and on Reddit, about people discussing the possibilities of the new season. More freelancers! More about what happened with Sister and Junior! Alternative views on familiar things! More freelancers! More about the AIs! More Mercs! You get a backstory, and you get a backstory! Backstories for everyone! And also More freelancers! And suddenly I was excited. The possibility of them filling in gaps and giving us canon backstories among others excited me to no end. More of the people I loved and more answers to my questions. Even “expanding the universe” didn’t sound scary. I was on board, willing to “forget” the cliffhanger for a season.

So what do I think about the season now that episode 20(!) has been published? To be totally honest I’m disappointed and I’m sure that’s no surprise to anybody who’s been reading my tags or posts. And for a long time I felt guilty for not enjoying this season and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was that was bothering me. I mean there’s the oblivious lack of characters I have missed for several seasons, and the fact that plot has escaped most of the episodes and the fact that I had already forgotten a high number of episodes that aired in the past few months. Sure there’s some absolute gems in this season, for example I’ve loved the Mercs trilogy, the prequel episodes at the beginning of the season as well as enjoyed some of the stand-alone episodes such as Caboose’s guide to making friends, the Brick gulch episode and the gender bent episode. But for the rest of them I had to pull out an episode list to even remember what had aired. 

Through out this season I’ve been missing the plot. Or even A plot. My favorites this season have clearly been the episodes that had a clear and canon plot. I guess that stems from the fact that I didn’t really enjoy the BGC-era that much, and only jumped in because of the later seasons. I’ve loved everything since season 6. This season I’ve felt like there’s been almost no point to a lot of the episodes as they’ve carried little to none of importance to the actual storyline. I’m all for expanding the universe but when you introduce us to new characters that feel very one dimensional and then blow them up in the same or the next episode I’m left to wonder what was the point. We’ve all been aware that the BGC wasn’t the only base that Freelancer ran experiments on. So in my eyes, episodes like the Game Grumps episode or the Funhaus episodes we’re null of any importance. Sure if you’re a fan or either group you might find them extra amusing, but if you don’t care about neither then that’s just three episodes with no importance. 

Yesterday evening I realized what I was missing the most from this season. It was the community. Remember season 13? The episode came out and there were gifs and analyzes, and discussions, and eerily correct theories floating around. People talked about the episode and what they thought would come next. Now? I’ve seen hardly anything. Sure there were gifs floating around after the Caboose episode because of the amazing artstyle, and my dash practically exploded with content during the Mercs trilogy. But if you exclude those moments, my dash has been so empty. I know personally that it’s been lately that I watch the episode and chuckle at a few jokes and when the episode is done I feel unsatisfied. I think “Oh?” or “I guess that was okay.” and then I move along. I have no burning urge to immediately go to Tumblr to scream about the episode. I have no urge to really “do” anything with the episode. And a few months from now I doubt I have the need to rewatch this season with the exception of the two trilogies that I’ve already mentioned. For me this season has been dull. Hell I would even watch a season of the crew just standing around not even talking over some of this season. 

As of the moment I’m writing this the newest episode is episode 20 and we know there’s only 4 episodes left. I’m still holding on to the last bit of hope I have left for this season, grasping it in my hands as I wait for the last few episodes. I’m especially excited for Shannons episode (or hopefully episodes). I even did my excited “Yay it’s RvB day”-flail I did during season 13 for the first time last week when I thought it was his episode that would’ve aired. But I also realize that four episodes is not a lot, and there’s so much more that I want to see and to know and I know that I’m going to be at least partly disappointed when this season ends. 

“I really wish you didn’t deserve this”

After that awesome sprite fanart of Soul, I thought I’d try out something kindof like that. ^^

He’ll definitely kick some ass and kill if he needs to, but he really hates having to do that to someone and will only use violence as a last resort or if he gets exceptionally upset/angry. He’s more merciful than he used to be.

Edit: forgot his little heart…thing…glows when he does magic stuffy-stuff