i feed on the tears of fangirls


I would rather you cry and tell me that you are suffocating than go up there with encouraging words of wisdom and a smile too forced for your own gums to bear.  I would rather you burst into tears, slump your shoulders over, and curse us for being selfish instead of kneeling and bowing and constantly thanking us for supporting you because we are incompetent.  We have not protected any of you guys.  We are selfish creatures who feed on the industry and media’s way of tormenting you guys for entertainment.  We say we care about your health and happiness, that we love you, yet a part of us selfishly wishes for you guys to continue to entertain us and fake that smile to give us hope that everything is still okay - that we can still keep fangirling, flashing cameras in your faces, and expecting twenty shows, events, interviews, and SNS updates on a daily basis.  Instead of backing you guys from hate, we internally fight and cause meaningless controversy all the time.  All the time. We are so incompetent.  Don’t kneel down to us.  Don’t thank us.  

I realize that in the term “idol", we have turned a human being, made of flesh, blood, and sweat, into a slave and robot.  But even slaves bruise.  Even robots malfunction and fall apart.  We have even stolen your emotions.  Something so basic to a living organism.  Cry when you are sad.  Laugh when you are joyous.  Scream when you are angry and upset.  

And yet, you go up there on stage, donned in glittery garments, a face painted of milky white, brows overly emphasized for fierceness, and a heart sealed of emotions.  

I’d rather you cry.  I’d rather you scold us for hurting you and your brothers.  

Because I’m sorry.  I call myself an EXO-L, I buy merchandise with your faces plastered over them and voices recorded into melodies, I make hundreds of accounts for voting and stream your videos for views, I blog and spaz over your attractiveness, and scream “I love you’s” to the screen, but I couldn’t do the one thing that mattered most - protecting your happiness and freedom.    

So today, I beg fellow EXO-Ls, can we at least stop fighting amongst ourselves, can we stop tainting EXO’s name through our malicious actions?  Can we promise them that much?  That we will behave so they don’t have to worry about us?  Can we respect them as humans, give them their privacy, and let them make their own choices whether it is for health, for career, or for family?  

I’m Sorry, I Love You.  

“To stand on stage and see you guys, to stay with EXO and EXO-L is my happiness.” - Huang ZiTao


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