i envy that mirror

I envy the moon and the stars, they get to see you every night. I envy the sun that kisses your lips every morning. I envy your sheets that keep your body warm and your pillow that holds your head and knows your dreams. I envy your fingers, running themselves through your hair and your mirror that gets to see you…flaws and all, perfect as you are.
365 days. The walls came crashing down. Too many saved to drafts. A cigarette. Being in the wrong place at the right time. We can’t act how we used to. Purgatory. I cried and cried until the ocean envied me. You looked in the mirror and another boy stared back at you. I took my fists to the glass and ended up with bruised knuckles. We were suppose to have matching Halloween costumes. I got you flowers for your birthday and you got me nothing. When we’d fight I think it was cause I didn’t know how to tell you I couldn’t lose you like I lost everyone else. You chased me down your street when my mind betrayed me and carried me back to your house. I’m sorry for all of the rocks I’ve thrown at your window, I was just trying to come home. Sometimes I take the knife out from between my shoulder blades and throw it back at you, because I don’t know what else to do. Sometimes it’s easier to be angry than to be lonely. I hope something of mine is still somewhere in your house. I hope sometimes you fall into the guest bed and bury your heavy head into the sheets, I hope they smell like me, I hope I’ve left stains in your coffee mugs and you keep the photographs in your dresser drawers. I hope when you hear certain songs you remember my hips swaying along and my hips knocking against your rib cage like a front door.  I think if they secretly love me it would make you feel angry because you never liked them anyway, but I never liked her anyways, I only wanted you to be happy, but your happy was phone calls for hours that left you deflated, it was walking to the playground and hoping we could make the hurt go away. The hurt never went away. They showed up at my apartment door and not you. She isn’t even your girlfriend. I’m not even anything anymore. You told me you liked my nail polish. You told me you wanted to be normal. You wanted to wrap your arms around me and be normal. Normal is a lie. Normal is you and me. I still cry over you. You blocked me because everyone who has ever loved me erases me out of their mind, cause it’s easier that way. Apologies. Empty apologies. You said you’d fix this. I’m sorry for believing you. I don’t know if I would yell at you or kiss you. I’m so sorry for all of this.
—  a year 
Insecurity

@goblindesert asked 21. someone is encroaching on their love interest. how do they respond? Thank you for the ask/prompt! <3

Cullen Rutherford x Evie Trevelyan (1548 words)


Evie stared at her reflection in the full length mirror before her. For the first time in her life she stood in front of the polished glass not to ensure her hair or clothing was in place, or that her jacket didn’t have a stain on it, but to examine herself. To truly look at her body and see it for what it was: unappealing.

Nimble fingers made quick word of the delicate clasps holding her jacket shut, allowing Evie to slip the violet silk and black suede from her shoulders to fall onto the floor at her feet. Next came her thin cotton tunic, leaving her in nothing but her breast band and trousers. At first she only gazed at herself, her eyes drifting slowly over her exposed flesh, but soon her hands joined in her scrutiny. There was no hesitation in where her fingertips would prod first. She pinched and pulled at the layer of flesh covering her stomach, watching with a slight grimace as the excess skin and fat snapped back into place whenever she let go.

Her body had never been a concern to Evie. No one had ever made mention of her thick thighs, her wide-set hips, or the extra flesh that blanketed her stomach. At least, not directly to her. She had never found a reason to judge her body in an unfavourable manner, or any manner at all. Surely it was what was in one’s mind and heart that mattered, not the shape or size of their flesh. But an hour earlier she found herself standing in the courtyard wondering if perhaps she had been wrong all this time.

It had been Cullen’s laughter that pulled her attention. She had only ever heard such a carefree and jubilant sound from him when they were alone. Scanning the yard, she found him standing in the shadow of the Herald’s Rest and he wasn’t alone. Evie had thought nothing of the lithe elven woman smiling and laughing with her commander, just another soldier or scout. But as she neared a duo of laughing soldiers her thoughts changed.

“Commander’s got another one. They just throw themselves at him. Lucky bastard.”

“Poor girl. Probably doesn’t know he’s spoken for. He’ll let her down easy, I hope.”

“I don’t know. If I were him I wouldn’t let her down too easy, if you catch my meaning.”

“You’re a real dog. Commander’s with the Inquisitor. And unless you’re blind and stupider than I thought, she’s more than enough woman for any man.”

“Pfft. Yeah, more than enough. That’s for sure.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, nothing… I’m just saying, if you like your ladies… pleasantly plump than she’s fine, I guess. But I’ll take a fit little thing like that one over there any day of the week. And I bet our commander would too.”

“You really are a piece of work. I oughta show you–“

The soldiers’ conversation cut out after that. Evie’s ears rang like Chantry bells and she found herself scanning the svelte lines of elven woman’s body: lean thighs joined with slender hips that tapered into a perfectly slim waist. Evie had never thought of or even truly noticed a difference between her body and that of some of the women around her. But now that she had, she could understand why someone would prefer such a compact frame over her own. Why Cullen would prefer it.

Evie had very nearly tripped over her own boots in her haste to exit the yard, unable to watch the only man she ever loved seem to flirt with another, more appealing woman. Racing through the main hall, she had kept her eyes trained on the flagstone, unable to bear the sight of anyone looking at her. She had dashed to her quarters as quickly as she could, wishing to hide from the truth. But when she arrived, she had gone directly to her mirror. And now she stood before it, studying her body, judging it, admonishing herself for her overindulgence. Telling herself that Cullen would be happier with the pretty little elven woman he had been speaking with – flirting with – in the courtyard.

“Maker, how I envy your mirror.” Evie’s eyes snapped from her much hated reflection to find the image of Cullen standing behind her. She hadn’t heard him enter and didn’t know how long he had been standing there, looking at her, gazing upon her unsightly frame. He held a lazy grin on his plush lips while his amber eyes skimmed over her exposed body. She could only assume his smile was a small act of charity.

“My mirror?” Evie asked, forcing a laugh past her lips. “I’ve never heard of anyone being jealous of a mirror.” Bending over, she snatched her tunic from the floor and held the tangled cotton over herself while fighting to unravel the sleeves.

“You don’t hide from your mirror like you do from me.” Cullen murmured, now standing directly behind Evie. He snaked his arms around her waist, settling them onto her bare waist. She froze under his gentle touch, fighting the urge to push him away. Resting his chin on her shoulder, he tilted his head to the side to lay his temple against hers. Without having to look up, Evie could feel the weight of his gaze traversing the curves that she was criticizing only moments before. “You bare yourself to it without any worry for how long it stares back. I wish I could be afforded the same privilege.”

Lifting her gaze from the tunic clutched to her chest, Evie met Cullen’s eyes in the mirror. She had thought she would find humour in his gaze, but peering into his warm and loving eyes, she realised he was speaking in complete earnest.

Shaking her head, Evie turned quickly in Cullen’s embrace. “I don't–“

“You do.” Cullen argued kindly before she could finish her denial. With his hand still holding her waist, he began to massage slow circles along her chubby stomach. Any other day she would melt into his touch, even chasing after it if he dared to stop, but today Evie found herself pulling her stomach into herself to make it seem smaller than it was. “You might not realise you’re doing it, but you hide from me. You’re doing it right now.” He nodded pointedly toward the cotton she covered herself with. Sliding his hands around the front of her stomach, Cullen took hold of the tunic and gave it a gentle tug. “You don’t need to hide from me, Evie.”

For just a moment, Evie tightened her grip in an effort to keep her body hidden from him, from herself. But when he leaned down and captured her full lips in a slow, sensual kiss her grip faltered. The tunic was pulled from her hands and away from her body for Cullen to toss across the room. At the same moment, she curled her fingers around the base of his neck, pulling him closer to herself selfishly.

Standing before him in only her breast band and trousers, Evie began to shift uncomfortably. She had never felt such disquiet with Cullen before. There had been times when she had tried to cover herself while with him as he had pointed out, but that had been from simple bashfulness and inexperience. She had never once felt as though she was unworthy of his touch, his love. But now, even as their lips and tongues moved together with such passion she could not silence a voice that shouted in her mind that she was undeserving of him. That he would be happier with another woman, a more beautiful woman, a thinner woman.

The voice screamed and screamed, drowning out all other thought and feeling. It mocked her as Cullen broke away from their kiss. It admonished her as he smiled down at her lovingly. It laughed at her when he lowered himself to his knees before her. When he wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face into the almost imperceivable plumpness of her stomach, it reminded her that he was only being kind.

The bully that only she could hear continued on, seeming as though it would not stop until Evie had accepted the truth of herself and Cullen’s placation of her. She trembled helplessly under Cullen’s exploring hands, squirming self-consciously as he traced the ample curves of her waist, hips, and thighs. Tears began to well up in her emerald eyes, threatening to spill down her freckled cheeks when he gave her hips a soft squeeze and chuckled in a playful manner. Just as she was ready to push him away and tell him to go, free him from his perceived obligation to her, it all stopped. The voice fell silent, her body ceased its shaking, and her tears receded.

Cullen nuzzled the soft flesh of her stomach between kiss after tender kiss. He held her tightly in his arms, almost as though he could read her thoughts and knew she was about to flee from him. Lifting his eyes to meet hers, he peered into Evie’s unsure gaze with such open adoration and reverence that she found herself breathless.

“Maker’s breath, but you are so beautiful.”


Thank you for reading.
Reblogs, comments, and likes are all greatly appreciated.

anonymous asked:

Querida dulce ¿que musica estas escuchando ultimamete?¿me recomiendas alguno?

Ultimamente escucho Hamilton, Vocaloid y una que otra canción de cualquier artista. Escucho varias, pero las más usuales son:

-Helpless
-Ikanaide
-Hitorinbo Envy
-Satisficed
-Stay with me
-Jenny
-Smooke and mirrors
-I’m sorry I’m sorry
-Aquí (De Encantada-Disney)
-Romeo and Cinderella
-Can’t sleep love
-Close your eyes de Liliy Allen
-Closer
-He’s a monster
-Her
-I don’t fucking care
-I don’t say I’m in love
-Pierrot
Safe and sound
Tag you’re it
-We’re going for a ride

anonymous asked:

I wish you would write a fic where Klaus has to look into the Persona Mirror and how he feels about what's revealed.

Thank you, anon, for this wonderful prompt.

This short fic takes place in the same universe as Wedding, but far, far earlier.  Elias x MC, from Klaus’ point of view. 

FF.Net | AO3 | Fic Master Post

Mirror

“I don’t know who I envy more – ”

His own voice, reflected back at him, felt jarringly loud in the quiet of the Prefect’s office.  Klaus muttered a curse and flipped the Persona Mirror over, silencing it.  

He should have known the moment he’d seen the familiar velvet coverings, even if they’d been in as incongruous a place as the knapsack of Clara Hart, his younger brother’s Buddy.  His father’s mirror had been locked away in the Headmaster’s office behind an assortment of magical traps so dangerous that even Klaus wouldn’t have bothered, if he’d had any desire to look into the Mirror in the first place. Which he hadn’t.

But here it was, in the possession of one of the most incompetent young wizardesses ever to set foot at Gedonelune Royal Magic Academy. One who had then carelessly left her backpack in his office.

Klaus heard footsteps sounding from down the hall, recognizing them immediately.  He straightened, slipping the mirror back into its cloth pouch.  When Elias knocked, and then opened the office door at his behest, Klaus was standing accusatorily, the covered parcel visible in his hand.

Elias blanched in recognition.

“What is your Buddy doing with Father’s mirror?” Klaus asked, slowly and evenly.  

Elias’ gaze lowered guiltily.  “Please don’t get mad at Clara,” he began.  “It’s my fault.”

“Care to explain?”

Elias winced.  “I told her that if she were to get the mirror, I would accept her as my Buddy.”  One look at Klaus’ face, and Elias’ voice took on a newly frantic quality.  “I never thought she’d be able to do it!  Or that she would even try…but she did it. Somehow.”

Klaus frowned.  If it had been stolen, Headmaster Randolph would have told him, and probably recruited him in the effort to identify the thief.  That this had not happened meant that Clara’s possession of the mirror must have come with Randolph’s consent.

Interesting.

Klaus set that aside for later consideration, choosing instead to harp upon another fact.  “You attempted to deny your Buddy?  You know that’s not possible.”

Elias flushed, hands clenching nervously.  “I…”

“Spit it out.”

“I-I thought that if I just didn’t help her, she wouldn’t pass her Trial.”

Elias’ tone was sullen and ashamed.  Klaus was suddenly reminded of a moment in their childhood, when his little brother had admitted to stealing sweets from a gift box meant for their servants - something that he’d never done again once Klaus was through with him. He thought now of Clara Hart, the little Bunnyhead, an unfortunate excuse for a wizardess – yet stubbornly devoted and loyal to Elias.

And Elias had tried to purposefully make her fail her Trial. Had his brother truly been driven to such lengths of desperation?

Had Klaus been the one to push him there?

“I’m disappointed in you, Elias,” Klaus said quietly.  “Disappointed beyond belief. A Buddy is a gift.” A treasure, he thought. An image of Clara came to mind, glaring up at him moments after they’d met, face bright red with both fright and fury, as she defended Elias to him.

Klaus banished that image away.

Elias nodded unflinchingly. “I – I know.  It’s not like that anymore.  I would never, ever hurt her like that again.”

There was a long, tense moment, before Klaus nodded.  “See that you don’t,” he said shortly.  “Why are you here?”

“Ah – “ Elias seemed a little startled that the conversation was over, clearly having expected greater censure.  “I was just here to get Clara’s bag for her.”

Klaus walked over to it, slipping the Persona Mirror carefully into the knapsack before handing it to his brother.  “Take care of that mirror.  Clara’s not the most responsible of people, and Father certainly wouldn’t want to know that something happened to it.”

“I will,” Elias nodded. “We might return it to the Headmaster soon.  I think it’s served its purpose for us.”

Klaus wondered briefly, but didn’t pry.  “Good.”

“I’ll see you later,” Elias said, heading out the door.  Halfway through, he hesitated.  “And Klaus – “

“What is it?”

“Thank you.”  His brother nodded his head and disappeared. The door closed behind him with a whoosh of air, sending a brief, cool breeze through the room.

Left alone, Klaus moved back to his desk.  He reached for his tea cup, fingers curling around the porcelain.  Cold.  He moved over to his tea kettle, beginning the brewing process anew.

A stray glance outside yielded a view of the sunset, as it cast ever lengthening shadows in the courtyard.  In the grassy clearing just beyond, he could see two seated people.

Elias. And next to him, his Clara.

They were sitting close to each other – not too close, but within arm’s length.  He couldn’t hear what they were saying from his office, but he stood there, guiltily mesmerized, as he watched Clara slowly reach for Elias’ hand. In a moment of hesitation she nearly pulled back. But then she straightened, seemingly full of resolve, and reached again.

Klaus turned before she closed the distance.  The tea kettle was whistling.  In the din, he thought he could hear the Persona Mirror, mocking him in his own voice, completing the sentence that it had almost said before.

I don’t know who I envy more – Elias, for having Clara’s heart, or Clara, for having his.

Nymeria’s Wedding [Vol. 35]

That morning Dahlia woke up late, her baby was sucking all her energy. Garron was putting on his suit and she walked over grabbing her shawl and stood behind him looking in the mirror. “You look handsome. I will be the envy of all the ladies that come to the wedding tonight.” He winked at her in the mirror, “too bad it isn’t our wedding.” She shook her head, “You don’t want to marry me looking like this. I would rather wait until our baby is born. Then they can be part of the festivities.” He smiled and turned around to kiss her.

“I have to go be with D’artanian. He has been up here three times asking me if I am ready.” She laughed, “You mean to say I didn’t wake up any of those times?” He hugged her, “You were sawing logs my dear.” She punched him playfully in the shoulder, “I don’t snore!” He laughs and heads towards the door, “Yes dear.”

She laughed as she turned to start getting ready for the day her sister marries the love of her life. She did her face and worked on her hair. Then she turned around and put on the dark green dress with gold embellishments that Nymeria had picked out for her. She twirled in the mirror and headed out of the room.

She went downstairs to help the servants get all the details right. She passed Millicent in the corridor. “What are you up to?” She gave her a surly look, “Getting breakfast to take up to Nymeria.” Dahlia nodded at her and let her go on her way. When she saw her coming back with only one tray of food, “Are you sure she didn’t mean to bring breakfast for everyone? You might want to do that.” Millicent glared at her, “She didn’t say to do that.” She turned on her heels and scoffed as she headed towards Nymeria’s room. Dahlia just shook her head.

Dahlia heard the baker yell for Dahlia to make sure that she signed for the cake and that it was what they wanted. She looked the cake over, it was breathtaking and she knew that Nymeria would love it. She signed for it and went back to placing Tiger Lilies around the room. D’artanian had asked her to do it for Nymeria, she thought it was sweet.

That was when she noticed Millicent coming back through with an even grumpier look on her face, “I told you, you should have gotten more food.” She just glared at Dahlia and grumbled as she walked by. Dahlia couldn’t contain her amusement and laughed as she got back to work.

Garron snuck up behind her and placed his hands over her eyes, “Guess who?” Dahlia thought for a moment, “Charles? Bartholomew?” Garron grumbled and removed his hands from her eyes and she turned around to see his smiling face. “You can’t ever just play along.” She shook her head, “It is more fun to pick on you.” He leaned in to kiss her and stroked her growing belly.

He then looked at Dahlia a little saddened, but his hand stayed on her belly. “My father is not well enough to come to the wedding. D’artanian is disappointed, but we both knew this was a possibility.” She nodded, “I will stop in and see him before the wedding gets started.” He kissed her and leaned down and kissed her stomach. “I don’t know what I would do without the both of you.” She laughed and pushed him away.

Heading to the kitchen she got a jar and threw a few of the leftover tiger lilies into it with some water. She went up to Constantine’s room and she set them on the night stand next to his bed and she opened up the curtains and opened the window. She felt it was too stuffy and he needed light and air just like a plant in order to stay healthy.

She sat on the bed next to Constantine and took his hand, “Your son is marrying my sister today. The whole Kingdom is turning out for a chance to see the new princess.” She smiled and looked at Constantine who was still just staring. “They both seem so happy and the chapel and the reception area are looking beautiful. Everything is coming together.”

She heard grunting as the door pushed open and Snowball jumped up on the bed next to Constantine. He dug in the blankets a bit and then made himself a little nest and curled up. Her attention went back to Constantine, “We all wish you could be there. I will stop back up later and tell you how it all went.” She put his hand back on his other hand and she leaned down to give him a kiss on the forehead.

Snowball sighed as if he had to move, “You can stay in here for now. I will leave the door cracked.” He stayed motionless next to Constantine and shut his eyes. She smiled at Snowball, she loved that little guy. Happy that Constantine had someone there, even if they were not speaking to each other, she headed back to the reception area to make sure it was perfect.

Looking around the room she just went behind the servants moving things a little and thanking them all for their hard work. Once she was satisfied with that she headed to the chapel. Making sure the tiger lilies were on the ends of each pew and that everything was dusted and perfect she saw D’artanian and Garron.

They both walked up to her telling her how perfect everything was. Then they told her that it was time to get Nymeria. She smiled and with a kiss to Garron she headed off to go get her sister. As she hit the stairs she saw her Dad come into the palace.

Running over she hugged him, “Hard to believe our Nymeria is getting married.” He beamed at her, “Then it will be your turn. Both my girls will be leaving me.” She scowled at him, “Neither of us is leaving, you still have to put up with us.” She gestured to her stomach, “Plus this little one will need their PopPop!” He laughed, “I hope you are still working on what I will be called.” She shrugged, “I kind of like it.” He hugged her and she turned to run up and get her sister.

She opened the door to Nymeria’s room and saw her surrounded by her ladies in waiting. The tears came and she was trying to hold them back. She was absolutely stunning and she knew that her sister was never more beautiful. Marrying the man of her dreams was a suitable look for her sister.

She was not fond of the choices of 3 of her ladies in waiting, but D’artanian had insisted it was good to have his family involved too. So they had to put up with the cousins of Darcy. She mentally rolled her eyes and then as the wedding party lined up she stood next to Garron and squeezed his hand.

Watching her sister speak her vows touched her. She was over the moon for her sister and happy she was sharing this big day with her. When her sister asked her to be her Maid of Honor Dahlia couldn’t stop the tears then either. She decided to chalk all of this crying to the pregnancy. She didn’t want to be known as the crier at every event.

At the reception she gave her toast and had a hard time holding it together. A few tears burned her eyes as she tried to keep them in their place. When she was finished she wiped them away before anyone noticed. When it was time to dance she was asked by Garron. She knew when the opportunity presented itself she wanted to dance with D’artanian.

When she saw her dad cut in with them she ran over and asked him to dance with her. He smiled at her, “So does this mean I can call you my sister now.” She smiled with a half laugh, “of course you can!” They danced for a few moments, “You make my sister happy and I love you for that.”

He smiled, “I feel the same way about you with my brother.” He looked down at her stomach, “I just can’t wait until we are as happy as you and Garron with our first arrival.” She smiled at him, “It only takes once.” She winked at him and he boisterously laughs.

The song ended and Garron cut in as D’artanian went back to Nymeria. He held her close, “Today has been an amazing day for them.” She looked over and saw the bride and groom dancing together, “I couldn’t be happier for them and the love they have found together.”

She felt something with her stomach and looked down and felt it again, “I think the baby just kicked me!” they stopped dancing and he put his hand on her stomach and she moved it where she felt it and they waited a few heartbeats. Garron felt it and scooped her up and twirled her in his arms, “I can’t wait to meet our baby.” He kissed her passionately in front of everyone, not caring what anyone thought.

Whenever I’m with friends and they want to take pictures together I cringe on the inside even though a part of me really wants to.. mainly because when I see the pictures of myself my entire being crushes under my disgust for my physical form. It brings me to tears sometimes and makes me feel inadequate compared to the people I know. I envy people who love how they look in the mirror and can take pictures and post them right away without evaluating their entire body. 

My physical body makes me sad and upset to the point where I don’t give a fuck if another scar is added or if something happens to it because there’s no hope. I’ve been getting into these moods more and more often. I even try to avoid looking at myself in the mirror unless it’s to check whether or not my stomach is flat or if my thighs don’t touch. My life is a confusing mess and I feel like I’m at battle with myself. 

I guess I’m just venting, I don’t really need advice or anything. I’m just upset right now and wanted to let out these annoying thoughts.