i have forgotten how to be gentle, i think, or else i’m a different kind of gentle now. the kind of gentle that can kill. the kind of gentle that asks to be killed.
i’m the kind of gentle that begs everything that’s listening for death but it doesn’t come, or it does but then i wake up not knowing where i am, my bedroom or yours, or the bottom of the ocean and it’s not fair, do you hear me, it’s not fair to want something so bad and only get to taste it—
i think i’m the poorly-executed drawing on the fridge of the universe and god’s too sadistic to take it down. saying look at this, look at what you did, look at what you are, look at it forever.
i crawl into your bed because it’s the closest i can get to dying anymore. i crawl into your bed for all the romantic gestures like gentle choking, gentle bruising,
i think you know that.
how i use you for pain and not pleasure, or sometimes both, sometimes, if i want it to really hurt. if i think i deserve it. you say i’m too young to feel this way and i say i’ll get older, i say when i grow up i want to be a corpse six feet under so you can walk over my body, dirt in my eyes, seeing nothing.
i think i have forgotten how to be gentle. i think i’m sorry.
Here is the transparent for anyone else who wants it :)
I think for this one if you use it for edits PLEASE TELL ME! SO I CAN GUSH OVER WHATEVER YOU MAKE! Like please, seriously @me or tag tandk/tottyandkara and let me see!! ‘Cause I’ll for sure want to see :D
Genre: fluff Wordcount: 645 Summary:
“I’ve never been great at drinking, I think. And Crowley, Snow, I think I’m a little drunk on you.”
I’ve never been great at drinking. I think it has something to do with the vampirism and my body just absorbing everything a lot quicker than regular people would. Snow is worse, however.
He’s just had his second shot of Vodka, and his cheeks are already flushed, eyes glinting. And he would probably kill me if he knew that most of the time I still call him Snow in my head.
I feel a warm flutter every time I look at him now. He’s half sitting, half sprawling on the grubby, old sofa that Penny brought to their London flat, and he’s listening to one of her stories about her trip to America that she has just returned from. Micah is sitting next to her, one of his hands absently resting on her plump thigh. He’s a nice bloke; quiet, with lovely dark skin and a pretty smile. They’re beaming, the two of them. I wonder if Simon and I beam like that, too.
Penny’s story is something about Florida and merewolves and alligators. I think it’s supposed to be funny, but I don’t really listen to it. My head feels fuzzy.
For a moment, I think back to my fifth year at Watford; the endless nights spent down in the catacombs. Back when Simon and I were still sworn enemies and all my dreams were of blood and gore and tears. And some sad wanking I wasn’t particularly proud of. Back when I thought that one day, I’d have to die at the hands of the chosen one. Or worse: kill him.
I would drink on those nights. I smuggled bottles of expensive brandy that father kept away in our family home cellar, where they’d collect a thick layer of dust and cobwebs. And then I’d sit there, next to my mother’s grave, casting
“There’s light at the end of the tunnel!”
just to brighten the crypt a little and grimacing at the irony of those words.
The first time I drank, I got wasted. In hindsight, I probably should have known that mixing roastbeef, rats’ blood, and brandy wasn’t going to end well. It was vile. Even for me.
I scoffed back then, wiping my mouth and trying not to breath in too deeply, staring at the glimmer slowly swirling under the ceiling, then at the drained rats.
“There’s light at the end of the tunnel”
, I’d think. My ass!
In some of those nights, I’d crawl back into bed just before sunrise and lay there, listening to Snow’s slow, steady breaths, whilst my bed started spinning and my face felt numb.
I’d watch him; how the sun would slowly creep up on him through our windows (the idiot would never shut them, just to take the piss), and it would paint his mess of a hairstyle golden, red and orange.
You’re burning me
, I’d think.
You’re the only fire I can’t figure out how to handle
He’s still burning me now, even without his magic. Here in his living room, listening to Penny. And he’s laughing and grinning and just
Later into the evening, I kiss him on his forehead. Maybe on his cheeks and his nose and lips, too, just because I’m that weak. Or maybe just because I like kissing him there. He’s kissing me, too. And doing that nice thing with his chin, smoothing the hair off my neck and brushing his hands over my arms.
I’ve never been great at drinking, I think. And Crowley, Snow, I think I’m a little drunk on you.
The room is dark, but I see his face in front of me; so clear and bright that I’m almost sure that there has to be a little bit of magic left inside him. He’s incandescent.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel
, I think, and I kiss him once more.
So misha said cas free will is not effect i just...have no words do they want to destroy team free will 😣
*shrugs* we haven’t seen it yet. I’m waiting to see what happens and not speculating too hard, but I think there’s a big difference between Cas acting like he’s possessed or mind controlled and doing things ~of his free will~ but on behalf of the nephilim after a abrupt turn of priorities. Ever since Dean made such a big fuss about Cas being mind controlled in 12x20 I’ve been certain when they encounter him again it’s going to play very contrary to that just to prove Dean wrong and upset him (because why have him make such a fuss in the first place), and make him think this is exactly what you are saying. But I also think the nephilim has affected Cas and Dean is right that his behaviour had an abrupt effect, because there were several staged moments in the episode to show that Cas had changed abruptly. I think there’s an enormous grey area between the two extremes of free will and outright puppeting someone, all of which involve a degree of lack of agency and choices being taken away, but don’t necessarily impact someone’s sense of having free will.
Take Mary for example - not now but in the past. She had her life plan all worked out for her by Heaven and Hell before she was ever born - by eons before she was born. She was going to be the disposable mother on the end of a long long chain of disposable mothers, to birth the kids the angels and demons were actually interested in. And Heaven used cupids to hook her and John up - this season starts with Dean describing that moment as if she had some sort of choice in finding and falling in love with John, but he knows better than anyone that her choice was kicked out from under her legs at that point. But she thought she was choosing John, and wanting all the things she said she wanted in 4x03, and then seemed very firmly to make the choice of a deal for John’s life and her peace, because she loved him. Absolutely nothing Mary thought she did seemed to be because she was being forced to do it. She could have told Azazel screw you. She had every opportunity so she might think to listen to her father, stop seeing John, choose not to date someone outside the life, etc, if she wanted to, but mysteriously she never wanted to not do these things which is exactly what Heaven and Hell wanted of her. So from her POV she’s had free will and messed up catastrophically. From our POV she’s been horrifically manipulated and between 12x01 and like, 12x09 was the only time in her entire existence that no one was manipulating her for anything.
Anyway, Cas might seem like he’s acting perfectly by his own choices but remember in 12x19, he seemed about to be given the choice - he even seemed halfway ready to offering himself without being asked. And then Kelly stole the car, and from that point on Cas was never asked if he would do this. Maybe Mary wanted to get out of the life before she met John, maybe she didn’t, but once she’d been hit with a cupid arrow, that was all she wanted.
I never really listen to what the actors say about these things. They know their part of it, or are telling us the spoiler-free version of it, the one that they think will tease and interest us about it. And this is a massive tease and he’d never tell us actual spoilers. I think we should watch the actual episodes before we get upset about what they seem to be saying about them, as a general rule.
(As usual this comes with the guarantee you can come back to my inbox and tell me to my face I’m wrong and I won’t blame you :P I just really don’t think con “spoilers” are worth anything, and it fits exactly with what I was thinking anyway so this feels like good news to me.)
Edit: @tinkdw and @amwritingmeta have both been working on a more elaborate explanation of why Cas doing everything by choice is a good thing and is definitely what’s going on, if you want a different attack on this.
Hey i read in a interview with the director of that movie that she wanted to tell a story of how the fate of many black and biracial kids was affected by the holocaust; with many of them also ending up in concentration camps. And that the kid of an SS officer with whom the lead falls in love with is realizing as he gets older what horrors his regime is doing and can't understand it. Can you explain how this romanticizes Nazism?
thank you for asking. i appreciate that you want to learn more about this situation. it’s taken me a while to collect my thoughts, so here they are.
i’m usually a firm believer in both the power of love through adversity and the artistic rights of actors and filmmakers. i’m not trying to place blame on amandla stenberg or amma asante. however, this movie feels insensitive, exploitative, and extremely tasteless. every other jewish person i’ve discussed this with has had the exact same reaction. here’s why:
before she edited it, amandla’s post called the holocaust a “backdrop” for the love story. that’s right, the genocide of my people used as a narrative device to frame some sort of “forbidden” romeo/juliet type relationship. in a world where fucking neo nazis are making a comeback i’m afraid i’m not so forgiving to situations like this. goy filmmakers have a long history of exploiting the holocaust and the suffering of jewish/romani people for the sake of furthering their own heroic narratives and i’m done with that bullshit.
i’m aware that hitler youth was often compulsory for german children. i’m also aware that hitler’s doctrine threatened everyone perceived as “un-aryan”, not just jewish and romani people. the fate of poc, especially black and biracial people, in hitler’s germany is absolutely something worth talking about and exploring further. i’ve often advocated for studies of the holocaust include sections that discuss not only the complete jewish and romani experience, but also the experience of poc, lgbtq people, disabled people, and others affected. but to do it in a way that humanizes their oppressors, who are literal fucking nazis, is absolutely atrocious. there is no equal love between an oppressed person and their oppressors.
in conclusion, nazism is not a hurdle for kids to overcome on their path to true love. nazism is an evil mindset that led to the deaths of 6 million of my people and millions of others as well. these deaths should never be a rhetorical device that goy filmmakers exploit for the sake of making their story feel more “forbidden”. being a nazi doesn’t mean you get to be a star-crossed lover. being a nazi means you should get punched in the face.
in conclusion, this ethnic jewish girl is fucking done with the romanticism and humanization of nazis. she’s fucking done.
Okay I know I’ll regret it but… @theniceacefriend sent me the original picture (I’m on phone so I don’t know how to link to the pic and it would be nice if someone added it) and after making a dirty comment she made me want to put the “yaranaika face” on Akko’s and this quality edit (or rather atrocity) was born
You can blame both her and @articuno2011 for making me post it because I wanted to keep it private since it’s so bad (it was done on a bad app, on a phone and past midnight by a really tired me), and now you’ll have to look at it too
so I got a lot of traction on the two fic edits I made, the ones for both @le-wendigogo and @miasmatik, and since I’m not writing anything atm I wanna try something new;
if anyone has a fanfic (either yours or someone else’s) that they would love to see an edit for shoot me an ask! To make things easier for me tell me the description, the pairing, and general vibe you get from this particular fic (like is it light and happy or dark and angsty) so that I can choose the right pictures to fit the aesthetic because I probably haven’t read it yet (and also because I’m a fucking perfectionist rip)