people say “you can do ___ until the cows come home” like it’s always a bad thing. what if i want my cows to come home. what if they’ve been missing for months and i’ve ran out of milk so i have to eat my cereal dry. my family has left me out of shame. the town has marked me as a pariah. i miss my cows. when are they coming back.
Some things never change. Some birds will always steal your food.
Once, when I was a grubby little nerd, I was playing Pokemon Snap while eating a cookie. Pepper was on my shoulder. And I’m just sitting there, happily munching on my delicious confection and all intensely into this game like I’m some National Geographic photographer, when I feel a tug on this cookie that I’m about to put in my mouth. I look over, and there’s Pepper who looks happy as can be with cookie crumbs all over his beak. …which he then wiped on my shirt.
Tonight, I was eating cereal dry without milk because I am a heathen, and Pepper comes over and jumps on the bowl. So I was like, “Kay, eat a cornflake then.” But he just yelled at my hand every time I put it in the bowl. Prince Pepper did not want to reach his beak in. Oh no. He wanted me to hold a flake for him as he munched. And me, being his human servant, complied.
Eventually he decided he’d had enough, jumped up on my shoulder, and wiped his crumb-covered beak on my shirt.