i eat mice

My Tryout for NBC News

I was approached by someone in the White House Pressroom the other day about auditioning for a new news show that NBC wants to air soon, since they want to ride the Trump train of controversy for higher ratings.  So I went down to their local studio where they did my makeup, parked me in this swivel chair, and started barking directions at me.  

At first it was easy ’(look left, appear skeptical, make a little frown…).  Then the studio went silent as we heard a door close and a pair of heels striding confidently through the shadows towards the set.  There, right before my eyes stood Megyn Kelly, the grand dame of aggressive political t.v. journalism.  She looked at a list and peeked up in a distant way, saying ‘O.K. Monica, show us what you’ve got.’  

It was thrilling but unnerving at the same time for me to audition before Megyn.  She was quick and relentless with her orders.   “Now, bat your eyelashes.  I said BAT 'em – don’t just flick them!   Geez – can someone get this girl some proper mascara!’   And so it went on for 5 minutes that felt like 5 hours.  Finally she said calmly 'O.K. – we’re done Monica.  Let’s take five people, but get the next one in the chair and ready!!’  

I tried to slink away unnoticed, but felt a confident hand on my shoulder.  Megyn turned me around, put both her hands on my shoulders and gave me that big sister look.  'Kid – you did your best, but you’re just not ready for prime time yet.  Don’t give up though – get some more experience.  Keep your figure too – stay away from cooked foods.  In fact, I eat nothing but live mice and wild grasses.  But you’ve got to get a little meaner to make it in this business.  Try kicking a few guys in the crotch and see if that feels right to you.  You’ll know when you’re ready.’

With that advice, I eased out the back door.  Walking down the long hallway, I could hear Megyn’s voice berating the next candidate.  'Give me a look of REAL disgust – not just minor annoyance!’  

anonymous asked:

james there is a rat in my mom's house, i'm scared for my dog, give me your life force so i can save him

one of the only neighbors i have left has like an army of like stray cats just out in the streets eating mice, i haven’t seen any mice in like 2 years

I went to grab some crackers from teh box for my soup for dinner tonight. The box felt very light considering it had 3 “tubes” of crackers in it.

I look inside, there are 3 “tubes” (plastic wrapped stacks of square crackers), all empty. Each one with crumbs in the bottom and a tiny little hole somewhere on the package. The mice, those little bastards, ate holes in them, then got in and ate every damn cracker. Argh

I keep a lot of stuff in the fridge and in containers, now i guess I have to add crackers to that list. or poison the crackers. Im just worried if I did that I’d eat one.

Mice arent pets. Mice arent valid. mice IMHO are corpses and become suffering toilet dwellers if the traps don’t get them first. Animal rights be damned. I have rights over them in my house.. F mice.

On a happy note, I am now out of soup, crackers, meat, broth, juice, etc. So tomorrow (or today?) I hve to go shop for groceries. Which is always fun as I get to come home and make something yummy. This time it all goes in the fridge to keep it away from the corpses to be.

Fun right?

I’m just some punk rock kid

anonymous asked:

An AU where Blake is a household cat and Ruby is a mouse that has very recently made Blake's house her new home. Naturally it's a bit of cat and mouse until Blake gets caught by some kind of trap and Ruby immediately helps out. Thus it begins.

[[I see your cat and mouse pun -u- ]]

I don’t know how or why this got so long but wow okay here you go??? 

Enjoy this LIGHT NOVEL.

——

It was just another night in Blake’s home. She’d curled up at the foot of her humans’ bed to sleep, warm and content between their feet.

But something was calling to her, not with audible sound, but loudly enough to have her instincts kicking into high gear. She could hear the scuttling of tiny claws across the wooden floor all the way from the kitchen.

Instantly she was up, leaping off the bed and creeping toward the hallway, keeping light on the pads of her paws. She peered around the corner into the kitchen, golden eyes flashing in the darkness.

It didn’t take her long to locate the source of the noise. Up on the counter, something small was moving…

She could distinguish two round ears, a tiny body, a long tail, and a twitching nose.

Not in her house.

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