i eat dogs

Actual things Ned has said to me: A collection

-“You’re buying me 25 lego Death Stars as soon as you’re rich and famous like Tony.”
-“If I eat all 4 hot dogs on that plate you need to buy me a Ferrari.”
-“Well can’t you just BORROW it from him? It’s not like he keeps track of all his cars.”
-“I’m aware that I can’t drive yet but nobody knows that.”
–“If I try to fail this final and I succeed, did I fail or succeed?”
-“If I kill that mosquito on that windowsill should I inject it into my bloodstream and become mosquito-man so we can be partners in crime?”
-“Or maybe I should make another Jurassic park!”
-“Well I’m not Chris Pratt. This could work out for me!”
-“Do my laundry for a week or I’m telling everyone about your weird web powers and your obsession over Michael Jordan.”
-“If watermelon exist, why isn’t there a firemelon, earthmelon, and airmelon? The elemelons.”

Pairing: Dazai/Chuuya
Theme: modern!au: wifi

“Hello,” Dazai greeted calmly.

Chuuya eyed his ex-boyfriend warily.

“…Why the fuck are you crouched outside my apartment?”

“Simple,” Dazai answered cheerfully.

“You’ve always had fast wifi.”

When they broke up two months ago, it had taken Chuuya everything he had to keep it together for the sheer fact that Dazai was holding it together effortlessly. They hadn’t told their friends (who was he kidding? They had no friends; it was some acquaintances they’d somehow hang out with occasionally) yet, but wanted the transition from dating to not to be seamless. Chuuya had gotten up an hour early to go work out, hope to get rid of some of those nerves.

When he showed up looking a bit too put together, his heart dropped to see Dazai smiling and joking as he always did, like nothing had happened. Like while Chuuya had lost the love of his life, Dazai was just moving on from another fling.

Grumbling as he set his groceries down on his counter, he knew Dazai had followed him in based on the extra pair of footsteps and annoying humming. He started putting his food away and couldn’t help but steal a glance over his shoulder now and then. It irked him to see Dazai look so at home in his apartment, like things had never changed, when Chuuya had spent an entire weekend cleaning his place top to bottom to metaphorically cleanse Dazai out of his life.

(Also because his apartment became a pig sty after his week of self pity and wallowing.)

“Pay for your own wifi, jackass,” he said finally after having to hear Dazai watching stupid videos. “Or go to a bar, find someone with a nice phone, and get them to take you home.”

“Too much effort…!” Dazai whined. “Besides, as I expected, you haven’t changed your password!”

“My entire life doesn’t fuckin’ revolve around you.”


Dazai said nothing to that and Chuuya didn’t trust himself to look over. Slamming the refrigerator shut with a bit more force than intended, Chuuya bunched up the plastic bags and shove them into a nearby cupboard. He began heading over to the couch with a glass of wine when he changed his mind at seeing Dazai lounging over the entire length of the furniture. Swearing quietly, he took a seat at the bar instead, folding his legs up in a way only someone of his stature (or someone very flexible) could do.

“Chuuya,” he heard Dazai call, “can you tell me the name of your wifi?”

“…The fuck you been connected to this whole time?”


Rolling his eyes, Chuuya pulled out his phone because, in all honesty, he’d forgotten it. His devices connected automatically; he had no reason to remember what his wifi was called as it didn’t add any sort of value to his life. Tapping ‘settings’, he huffed. “It’s–”

i’m sorry

His voice broke off in favor of his skin prickling, double checking to see this was the one he was connected to.

“I didn’t quite get that… check again?”

Chuuya cleared his throat, tapped on ‘wifi’ again.

can we talk?

He bit his lip and cleared his throat. “…Wifi’s not for you to mooch off of. Not telling you what it is.”


He heard Dazai shuffling about and closing his laptop. But just as he was about to pass him, Chuuya coughed and couldn’t bring himself to look over.

“…But buy me a coffee. That’ll get you an hour.”

Even from his peripheral vision, he could see the way Dazai brightened. “Hey, Chuuya, check your wifi ag–”

“Just say it, you emotionally stunted ass.”

Dazai laughed and Chuuya didn’t so much as flinch when he walked over, bowed to graze a tentative kiss along the corner of his mouth, hesitating before pressing a kiss to his lips lightly.

“…I miss you.”

modern!au the crown and the flame things to consider:
  • val is not allowed within 50 feet of any pet store
  • in the event that val somehow ends up in a pet store…pray. and contact kenna immediately
  • raydan gives everyone cards on valentine’s day. they’re all scented and include beautiful calligraphy
  • hex fighting kenna and annelyse for custody of whitlock
  • the team having a separate instagram account for each one of their animals (including the bear. they still have a bear in this au. i do not want an au where they do not have a bear)
  • val was a vine celebrity and made 80% of her vines while drunk
  • leon does not know (or care) how social media works but he plays clash of clans on his phone
  • dom can whistle almost anything. most popularly: the mario kart theme
  • whitlock is out there violet baudelaire-ing every house he steps into
  • nobody really knows what raydan and annelyse do for a living - they’re rich, they supposedly have “gigs” every now and then, and they definitely have degrees and diplomas in various fields. but like…what do they do?
  • kenna has a sword collection