i dont want to survive

Me: Yes darling, you doing so great this week, what a great start of the year be proud of yourself! ❤️🔆 Just drink water and tea you are okay dont worry what you do now it will worth it one day! Keep going like this and you will be skinny by summer! 🔆❤️


Im the only one? Probably.. 😖😥❤️🔆

So they’re proceeding with the February concerts after all.

I know I should be happy. I know I should feel proud. “Look at how strong and hardworking our boys are! Persevering even through their pain!”

But… I feel like that mindset is partly what caused… this situation in the first place. Healing is important. Getting help is important.

And I’m very worried about how this is going to work out. I’m very worried that they haven’t given themselves enough time. I don’t want them to get on stage and pretend they’re fine when they’re not. You’re not machines, guys, you’re humans who are understandably grieving. It’s all well and good to say Jonghyun is watching over you, but that doesn’t mean you’re anywhere near coming to terms.

I really don’t think that what they need right now is to throw themselves back into work. But if this is truly their decision, one they reached together and not with anyone strongarming them… then I’ll cheer them on.

I am irritated that from all of fallout 4 companions, X6 is the most vague and undefined and he otherwise is so interesting and the character has so much potential?

Like I want to know what X6 thinks about the Institute personally, I want to know if his love for the Institute is something he chose or something he was brain washed into??? I mean to ignore the fact that unlike any other faction, the Institute is almost irredeemably evil so a lot of people not only will miss X6 as a companion but will also not understand him and his ways because of how badly the Institute was written. 

But I feel like even in fanon X6 loses his agency because you can’t really tell if he is brainwashed into the Institute mindset or he willingly chose to be a courser? And in fact can a synth willingly choose to be a courser? I mean X6 refers to Gabriel as “it” but we don’t know how he was treated in the institute? Yeah coursers more or less have more freedom than other synths, but they also go through a lot of training so we don’t know how he was treated. He doesn’t consider himself as anything more than a machine (the way the Institute treats all synths) and yet he is very loyal. Is his loyalty coming from self hate and idolizing Father and the institute like he was taught, or is it coming from being forced to survive by learning to be emotionless and follow orders. 

Obviously as you gain his affinity, he starts showing emotions, humor, sass, loyalty and admiration towards the Sole Survivor, but it still remains unclear where he really stands. I wish they sort of cleared that out, the more you get to know him the more you find out if he was forced to be a courser, or he simply became one because he actually agrees with the institute - and can synths actually willingly and freely choose to agree with the institute since the pressure of getting “killed” always hangs above their heads if they show their sentience. And coursers get demonized by the Railroad too as if they willingly support the institute, even though there are runaway coursers that changed their minds. 

 X6 is actually wonderful, very intelligent and curious and overall he never feels like an emotionless machine at any point, but I just wish he was given more agency so we could see where he personally stands with the Institute the way the other three faction companions state their own personal feelings on the matter the higher your affinity is with them. 

“even if Im broken you still patch me up,giving me love that I believe I dont deserve..
part of me wanted to die,another wanted to survive..and you still reached out your hand ,smiling warmly as you hold me in your arms and whispers sweet nothings…you accepted me as who Iam..
Iam of course truly grateful for you are my another reason why Im still fighting these nightmares..
you give me light and hope…my warm and bright shooting star.”

I love to draw this ship in a warm fluffy way..🌠🌠🌠
trying to do lightings 😂 I do preferred drawing simple with one shade😘

yes i’m still wrecked over Christian Borle. thank you for respecting my privacy during this difficult time.

squip notes: i want one

like yes i watched the show and i know all that shit it ended REAL BAD

but like???

having someone there that isnt you and just being able to talk?? constantly?? and trust them bc they’re not gonna share that shit, they’re in ur fuckin head!! they know what ur thinkin!!! u dont have to hide shit!!

and they !! help you with stuff!! like tell you what to do and instruct you to do things like work out and probably shower and stuff

like!!! my life could WORK

I wouldn’t want to “be more cool” or “be more chill” i just want to SURVIVE. BUT LIKE. ACTUALLY.

whats up motherfucker i dont have issues with people i got issues with myself help me the fuck out with that shit !! you want me to be cool? NAH. how about keep me from fuckin dying and make me a functioning member of society. TRY THAT SHIT!! CHALLENGE ROUND MOTHERFUCKER!!

I don’t think bughead are going to break up and I definitely dont want them to .. but…. if they do I’ll survive it( hopefully ) provided it’s not for long and we get a good reunion scene……But one thing I’ll absolutely not survive is having to sit through a kissing scene of jughead / Betty with anyone else , my stomach can’t handle that and I think I’d rather gauge my eyeballs out than watch anything of the sort

rewatching ‘the punisher’ is so wild: every time i see billy rosso’s face onscreen i wanna scratch his fucking eyes out. 

i find it so hard to tell when he is being sincere. in that scene were he and curtis are at frank’s ‘grave’ getting drunk, and he says ‘i miss him’ , it SOUNDS sincere, but he is looking at curtis’ face for too long as he says it, and it makes me feel as if he is looking for a reaction. like - he’s saying that to see how curtis reacts to it to see if there might be a chance that frank is alive because he probably knows that if he were, curtis would be someone frank would turn to. 

and i know that at this point russo has no reason to doubt frank’s death, but the way he LOOKS at curtis, when curtis says ‘he didnt want any help’ just makes me doubt! makes me think that he’s wondering, ‘how can curtis know this? have they spoken? could it be?’ because this is a guy that knows frank. he’s seen him in actions he knows what frank can survive. 

idk, i dont want to think of billy as an unidimentiona character that cares for nobody - because he does care, for curtis, for frank, for dinah too (for his mother, with that huge reserve of toxic anger he has for her that freaked me the fuck out)- but none of those people matter t o him as much as his own self matters to him. he is capable of sincerity and emotion, but his primary concern is himself. and not even his own survival, just himself - his wealth, his success.  which tinges every freaking emotional contact he has with anyone with doubt for me because he has too much to hide. too much shit to watch out from. he’s always watching his back, there’s always a motive if he opens his mouth. he is never fully sincere because he has a whole busload of ‘ulterior motives’ that stack up way higher than whatever genuine feeling he might have felt

schioccare  asked:

' meaty claw ' do you want to fucking go ?

        just don’t touch my hair with the same hand you dig out your italian boogers, will youyour hands were made to grab rivaling crabs, not my treated locks.  ━━  which reminds me :  lobster tonight?  as long as that doesn’t offend you, of course.   

Antidepressant questions

Does anyone else use the antidepressant Cymbalta/duloxotine?
Does anyone else suffer if you forget it?
I forgot my meds today (a bad habit I’ve picked up over the last month where i forget my meds at least once a week since I’ve been working 50hr weeks…) i took it 9 hours later than i normally do. In that time i have suffered dizziness/headspins (really weird sensation not quite one or the other but somewhere in between) and my face generally from my cheekbones down is tingly/numb. If i move my head too quickly it’s like the whole world moves with it. Some days the dizziness is worse, today not so bad. Today i also struggled with moderating my temperature i was either freezing or sweating sometimes both, but that may be me coming down with a cold.
I’m lucky that I’ve never been suicidal, no matter how dark my thoughts got, no matter how shit life seemed i never wanted to end my own life. I mean if it happened by accident i might not have fought to survive but i never and still dont want my life to end on my decision. I know that the comedown on ADs and especially cymbalta can be bad, and can bring out suicidal tendencies and thoughts so im lucky to have not yet faced this. I know the answer is don’t forget your meds, and trust me if i could I wouldn’t i just do some mornings. And i want to know if theres anything else people can recommend for the days im stuck at work with my face tingling and my head spinning.

Update: i spoke to a doctor and he said it just comes with the territory of ADs… said there wasn’t much to help me. Just don’t forget them. But it’s even getting to the point that i get the “zaps” even when i do take them if im a little bit later than the day before (sometimes less than an hour) but I don’t know if its because i have a cold and my body is run down or if its because im mentally struggling this month…

I just realized something today..i mean really really realized it. time passes so fast and i dont even understand how. i forget how to feel , forget how to do things, forget how to show my feelings to someone. forget to living my life. I asked myself – will my life goes just like this? idont want my life to be this way, i dont want to just survive. and i dont  know how to make it better. and this is sad


Tomorrow I begin a four day seminar on speaking on my life and my life choices. I’m writing a book and for the first time in my life I have revealed who I REALLY am. I am not ashamed. I have dealt with depression and anxiety in all shapes and forms from medications to electruconvulsive therapy also referred to as shock therapy, which resulted in total amnesia. I am very nervous and anxious. I guess, no, I know that’s why I’ve been craving my bad habits. I have isolated myself to prevent myself from distracting myself from my goal. I am not that person anymore, but I know all about her. I know every inch of her crooked and twisted dark mind. I’m saving me from myself by exposing myself and saying to the world. This is me, I dealt with the pain the only way I knew how, and I accept myself, flaws and all.

I am far from perfect. I relapse, I GET depressed I scream and I cry but I WON’T GIVE UP AND I WON’T GIVE IN!

I love you guys. I understand your pain. You’re not alone. Never be ashamed of yourself.

Own your truth. The abuser stole your innocence not your back bone. Find it. Stand up and Stand tall, YOU MATTER!