i dont want to be fat anymore

  • me: jesus fucking christ im fat. i need to not eat anything at all anymore. 2000 calories is too much, so i should like eat only a meal and a half a day. small portion sizes and counting calories on everything. i need to get skinny!!
  • me to me: get rid of your internalized fatphobia and love yourself. exercise if you must but don't overdo it. a little chub is okay. it's healthy. eat whatever you want, life is too short to count calories. please love your body

i can’t tell some ocs apart anymore. 

also i know u guys want your ocs to be sexy, but give them organs. please. u can have intestines, a stomach, etc, and still be sexy. you can be fat and be sexy. let your fat, sexy ocs have a damn stomach. dont just make them fat in places you find attractive/want to fetishize.

MY SISTER STORY

¼/2015

In 1 month you would be turning 17, and i wonder everyday what would that be like, if you would be borrowing my clothes and make up, or if you would still play with dolls as you did when you left me here.

Would you still be funny and sweet as you were?, Never calling me “fat” or things that you know would hurt me.

I miss you, so much its unbereable, like a hole in the middle of my chest. You were my sister, my only sister and I dont have you by my side anymore. And its really unfair. I would give up my life if that would bring you back.

I’m so afraid noone will remember you but me. Thats one of my greatest fears. If people forget how lovely you were and how strong and brave and how willing to go through hell just to live.

I want all people to know about you.

Lucy (Lucia Florencia), was born in February 4th in 1998, when i was six years old, and she was my best friend ever.

She was really funny and loved to play dress up. She usually used Sailor Moon’s suit and put make up on and it was just hillarious.

She really liked when i took pictures of her, she was like my model, i really liked taking pictures of her. She is the cutest thing the world has ever had.

Her hair was long and waivy and dark brown, and her eyes where so bright and charming and obscure at the same time, really misterious.

She played the piano, the violin and had a really good ear and could play lots of songs only by ear, without even know how to read partitures.

She was bright as hell, but really talkative, and sometimes naughty. Once she came back from school (9 years old), and told my dad, “I have one bad new and one good”, my dad said “Tell me the bad first”, “the teacher put me a bad face on my notebook because i punched Anna on the face, she was being really rude”, and my dad said, “and whats the good one” “That Anna is okey, that we are fine, and it was nothing at all, just that”. He could not stop laughing after that.

She was my rock, and I was hers. We loved each other even more other sibbligs do. She was the true face of love.

Her favourite stuffed animal was the racoon you can see in the bed besides her. She was burried with him, his name was “Mapachin”, and he was her fav since she was like 3 years old, when she cut really deep her finger and had to have stitches and mum bought that to her for being so brave.

She got sick in 2008, she was 10, her back started hurting really bad, and after xrays and exams, mum came back crying like I had never seen her, and my world felt appart.

I had to go and tell Lucy she had to go to another city to get her back cured. and she asked me if she would have to take some medicine, and it broke my heart.

She had cancer, a new kind of cancer, in one tumor it had different fenotipes and there was no treatment that cured the whole tumor, so they removed it. It didnt work.

She thought she was cured, my parents never could tell her the truth after that, we were all a reck, really messed up people, we still are. We will always be. Life really took love away from us in such a hurtfull and horrible way its almost impossible to describe.

Whatever doctors said that she might have or experience, happened. Every single bad thing. She had to lie on a bed for 4 months without moving, cause her brain tumor wouldnt let her. Her lungs tumors filled her lungs with water, so she couldnt breath anymore.

After some months of unbeareable sadness and hoping for miracles and praying to every god ever existed. Doctors had to put her in medical coma, because she wouldnt get better. Ever.

And that was it. on June 8th on 2010, my sister died of cancer, in a hospital bed. Her last thing she “said” (she couldnt talk anymore, so she said I LOVE U blinking her eyes really hard), was I love you, to my mum, dad and me.

And I lost everything.

The day after that, was when i saw death itself. My sister, insanely pale and blue-ish in a coffin, and i had months and months of nightmares.

I miss her smell, i miss her voice, and i miss not remembering everything that happened before the illness, because i wasnt really thinking something as destroying as that would happen.

Im just writing my heart here, you cant see my fingers trembling, or the tears running down my face, but i know you can feel them, because i need to tell you all this.

Please think of her, even though you didnt know her. She was my baby sister, and my mate, and my love. And i dont have her anymore and I dont want her to be lost in time and noone knowing who she is.

She couldve been a remarkable piano player, or an actress, or a veterinary,for her love towards animals. But she hadnt the chance to do that.

She didnt have her first kiss

or her first period

or travel to disney world

or be trully in love with someone

and most of the things we enjoy as teens and young adults. She couldnt have them, so please, think of her when u do. Say her name before going to sleep, tell your kids about this amazing girl who lived in Mar del Plata, Argentina and told the kindergarten teacher she wanted to be a Ship captain just like her dad. And how she was not ashamed at all when she asked santa for a HotWeels Car wash instead of a barbie.

I love you, and I hope you think of her.

Eugenia Cecilia Arroyo.

taylorswift

god i’m so fuckin fat. i’m disgusting and nothing fucking works anymore to make me think any different and its driving me fucjing crazy.

but i guess thats the reality of all this.

i just want to cry, which is weird, because I feel it all in my head but my chest feels empty. i dont know what to do anymore, I guess is what im trying to say.

my ed has taken over my workouts and activity levels but not necessarily my eating so is it even considered an eating disorder anymore?


like I eat what I want, I make sure I dont over eat, and I try not to skip meals. I still think about food and losing weight all of the time and I do know that eventually I’ll have a breaking point where i’m back to restricting and fasting because I may be toning and getting slimmer in appearance from exercising but I still have excess fat that will only go away with dieting so when I think about that I want to go back to my old ways.
but I feel like most of my focus is on intense three hour workouts and hour and a half of calisthenics every day

Lately ive been spiraling the exact same way I always do:

It all starts with being extremely stressed out and unable to deal with that stress
-> getting sick because of the stress
-> being unable to run/work out at gym/exercise in any way because im sick
-> turning to food to make me feel better
->eating A LOT OF unhealthy foods ->getting addicted to unhealthy foods and being unable to stop binge eating
->feeling bloated, fat, lazy, unactive and unhappy
-> not wanting to exercise because I feel bad because I eat unhealthy foods
-> “I dont even care anymore” thinking and just continue binge eating
-> here comes the selfhating and loathing!
->my brain goes “oh no I need to fix this somehow” and throws in the eating disorder thoughts
->because of eating disorder thinking, body dysmorphia gets BAD
->I lose all realism when it comes to my body and weight and health
->I start to think and feel I am morbidly obese and believe i can die any moment just because of my weight being so huge I might just collapse under it
->eating very little or nothing at all or only extremely healthy foods
->binge eating because im hungry
->spiraling and some more spriraling

so how do I break this cycle? I just have to start eating normal, healthy and balanced way again AND start running and working out so that eating doesnt make me hate myself but the trick is that while I try to break the cycle and get better I also might get bad with the eating disorder again! And I might not even realize it until the situation is really bad! Fun times!

I’ll let u know how this round goes in few weeks! (Or if im sick with eating disorder ill be too busy walking 5 hours everyday and hiding my sickness so if i wont say anything ull know its bad :’D)

anonymous asked:

There was a time where I could eat whatsever I wanted without feeling guilt or some sort of negative feeling. But since I feel kind of fat, and I am not, I know that I'm skinny, Everytime i eat, I have to vomit bc I feel bad about myself.. I dont know what to do anymore...

Im sorry but that sounds very serious and if you dont stop or get medical help you will eventually die

Magcon/26mgmt Preference #3 : Self Harm

**trigger warning*, dont read if youre not comfortable*

Jacob: Right after a cute little home cooked meal with Jacob, you took your walk of shame straight to the bathroom. After closing and locking the door, you ran towards the toilet, not wanting your body absorbing the fat anymore. As you kneeled by the toilet you heard a knock on the door followed by Jacob asking what was wrong.

“I-I’m fine Jacob, I just need to use the washroom.” You said, while shoving your finger down your throat causing a gag reflex.

“Y/N, you have one second to open this door before I knock it down, you have to stop doing this.” You heard Jacob’s muffled voice through the wooden door.

“I can’t be fat, I can’t be fat.” You repeated to yourself over and over again when all of the sudden you heard a snapping noise.

Spinning your head around you saw the bathroom door broken off the hinge, and Jacob kneeling down scooping you up into his arms. You could still see the tears falling freely from his face.

“You have to stop this baby, it’s killing me. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t live without you. I need you to get better honey.” Jacob sobbed into your neck as he laid you onto the bed, draping the duvet over you, curling up beside you.

“I love you Jacob.”

“I love you too, baby girl.” Jacob sighed.

Nash: Nash had known you cut because you two had met and he instantly fell for you while he was kissing the cuts on your wrist. You promised that the minute you two started dating you would stop. But what he didn’t know is that you had recently started cutting again due to all the hate you were receiving from all of his so called ‘fans’.

One day, you two were wrestling on the living room couch. Nash was straddling you, but you got a sudden burst of power so you rolled the both of you over. You both landing on the ground with a soft thud.

Instantly you started giggling. You glanced down at Nash when you realized that he wasn’t laughing.

When you looked at the brunette haired boy you saw the tears welling up in his eyes. Glancing down you noticed that during all the play fighting, your tank top had risen, revealing the fresh cuts you had imprinted on your hip.

“Nash-“ You started.

“No Y/N, you promised me that you would stop. Why didn’t you come talk to me, or tell me what was bothering. I hate that you keep doing this to yourself. Whenever you hurt yourself you hurt me too baby.”

“I’m so sorry Nash.” You muttered, looking to the ground ashamed.

“No princess, I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me most.” Nash said while pulling you into a tight bear hug.

Cam: Cam sat you down at the dinner table, placing a plate with fat filled foods covering every square inch of the plate. Taking a seat across from you watching your reaction.

You started to get nervous knowing that he had finally found out about your eating disorder. Glancing down at your lap you fiddled nervously with the ring Cameron had given you for Christmas that was on your finger.

“Eat something please Y/N.” He muttered as you stared at the plate, trying not to make eye contact with Cam because you knew his face would be covered in tears.

Slowly, you grabbed the silver fork he had placed next to the plate, moving the mashed potatoes around the plate. You craved the feeling of the smooth potatoes gliding down your throat followed by the creamy butter and thick gravy, but you couldn’t, you couldn’t get fat because then the fans would hate you even more.

“Please baby, you can’t starve yourself baby, it’s not healthy. I miss you, the real you, who would go out for ice cream with me, or who would go to the movies with me and order a large popcorn with extra butter. You can’t do this because every meal you skip breaks my heart more and more. I can’t stand this feeling anymore baby, knowing I can’t help you. Please Y/N, for me, just let me help you get better.”

You let the tears flow, realizing how much you were breaking Cameron, and you couldn’t do that to the boy you loved.

“Ok Cam, I want to get better, please help me.”

“Anything for my princess.” Cam said with a smile, wiping his tears.

Matt: You were in the kitchen, making Matt some spaghetti for supper. While reaching for the noodles on the top shelf, you felt Matt’s hand rest on your hip as his other hand reached for the noodles for you.

“Thanks Matt.” You said, smiling. But before you could pull your sleeves down over your wrists, Matt grabbed your arm forcefully, jerking it towards him. Glancing down at the white lines that covered your wrists.

“When did yo- Why did yo- what? When Y/N, please tell me you haven’t cut in a while.”

“It’s no big deal Matt, when I was 15 I suffered from depression, I used to cut.  Then I met you, and you changed me, every day we spent together, I could feel your positivity sinking into me, and soon enough, I stopped.”

“Really, I helped you?” Matt asked, his eyes lighting up like a child’s on Christmas.

“Yes Matt.”

“Wow.” Was all he could say. “It feels incredible.”

“That’s because you are incredible Matt.”

“I love you Y/N.”

“I love you too Matt.”

Jack G: You sat in yours and Jack’s shared bedroom, with Jack’s laptop in front of you and a blade in your hand. With every hate comment you read, you left a red slash across your left thigh.

Suddenly the bedroom door was thrown open revealing Jack.

“Hey baby I know I’m supposed to be in the studio, but I forgot my laptop so Jack and  I decided to take a brea- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING Y/N?!” Jack screamed as you stared up at him like a deer in the headlights.

“WH-what, w-why, Y-Y/N, but w-why.” Jack stuttered, tears falling from his face.

This was it you though, he was going to break up with you, why wouldn’t he you’re just some suicidal girl who would probably be better off dead. There were so many beautiful girls out there, why would he stay with you.

Jack suddenly picked you up and took you to the bathroom placing you on the counter, bandaging your cuts, not saying another word.

Then his movements stopped as he glanced up at you. “How many times Y/n?” He questioned.

“What do you mean Jack.”

“How many times have you cut?”

“Why does it matter Jack?” You asked back.

“Because I want to know how many times you needed me any I wasn’t there for you.” He said as he started sobbing into your chest again.

“It’s ok Jack.” You stated, wrapping your arms around his torso. “I want to stop this, I wanna get better.”

“I’ll help you princess, don’t worry, I’ll make up for all those times I wasn’t there.”

Jack J: Picking up the phone you heard a “Hey Princess!”

God you’ve missed the sound of his voice. You haven’t seen Jack in three weeks. You’ve been in the West Rose Home For Unwell Girls. You had hit your breaking point a month ago when you had starved yourself for 5 days. You had realized that you wanted to be happy and not deal with all the burdens anymore.

Realizing that you hadn’t answered Jack yet, you chirped a “Hi Jack, I miss you.”

“I miss you too princess. But your health is much more important than me being able to see you.”

“Well you won’t have to miss me for long J. They’re sending me home tomorrow.”

“Really Y/n, that’s so exciting, you know I’ll be there bright and early waiting for you.”

“I know Jack.” You said smiling to yourself. “But I have to go now, I love you.”

“I love you too Y/N.”

-next day-

You never realized how much you missed the sun until you could feel its heat radiating onto you.

“Y/N!” You heard the one person that kept you going through everything.

“JACK!” You screeched.

You both ran towards each other until you were wrapped in each other’s embrace.

Taylor: “GOD DAMNIT Y/N! JUST EAT SOMETHING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! YOU’RE KILLING YOURSELF FOR FUCKS SAKE.” Taylor screamed at you across the dinner table causing you to cry.

“No, Y/N I-I didn’t mean it like that I- God I fucked up.” He stated simply as he walked over to where you were sitting, pulling you gently from your chair and sitting you on the ground, him sitting behind you with his legs wrapped around you holding you tightly.

“I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to yell, I just can’t lose you, you’re my everything.”

“I-I’m sorry Tay, I-I just need you to help me, I can’t d-do this on my own.” You sobbed.

“Don’t you worry a little hair on your head princess, I’m here to help you with anything you need. First we’re going to get a proper meal into you. Then we’ll snuggle on the couch and watch movies all night.”

“Sounds perfect Tay.” You said smiling.

Carter: Carter held you as you sobbed into his chest, inhaling the sweet scent you’ve grown to know as home.

You cried and cried until you were empty. Carter hadn’t anything to you since you told him you cut.

“Why?” He questioned as he looked away from you, trying to hide the tears on his cheeks, trying to be strong for you.

“I felt worthless.” You stated simply. That was when Carter couldn’t hide it anymore, he started sobbing as he clutched onto you tightly not letting go.

“Shhhh, Carter. It’ll be ok, I’ve already talk to a psychologist. I’m starting to feel like myself again.”

“That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.” He said right before grabbing your face and pulling you in for a kiss.

Aaron: “Here Y/N.” Aaron said passing you a donut.

“Ahh, no thanks babe, I’m still full from breakfast.” You muttered the lie.

“Y/N, you didn’t even eat breakfast today, and now it’s 9pm. Why are you lying to me Y/N.”

“I can’t Aaron, I can’t be fat anymore, I deserve to starve for a bit.” You stated, finally letting someone know how broken you were inside.

“Y/N please, you can’t do this to yourself any more. Trust me I know what it’s like to want to lose weight badly. For years, I was known as the cute little chubby kid, I didn’t want to be that kid, so I lost some weight. But I never starved myself. And you shouldn’t either. Besides you are literally perfect Y/n, you shouldn’t change because I love you the way you are.”

“Oh Aaron, I love you so much.” You said jumping into his arms kissing him.

“I love you too beautiful.”

Shawn: You sat Shawn down on the couch. You figured it was time he knew, you guys had been dating for 6 months now.

You really didn’t know how or where to start.

“You saved me Shawn.”

“What?” He questioned, giving you a quizzical look.

“When I was younger I was about to end it all, I was tired of the kids at school and my shitty family. I wanted to end my life, and I was ready to. That’s when I found you on vine. You made me feel like I was a part of something, like I belonged, like I was wanted. I instantly felt happier.  Could ignore the kids at school while I listened to you through my earphones. I could ignore the fights at home because I had you there for me. I stopped cutting because of you Shawn. You saved me Shawn.” You repeated.

Shawn just sat there with a glazed look in his eyes, like he was trying to process all the information you had just given him.

“Wow.” He finally said. “Wow.” He said again.

“Yes Shawn ‘Wow’.” You giggled softly.

All Shawn could do was pull you into a tight hug and whisper in your ear how proud he was of you for overcoming your troubles.

a/n: wow I used a whole box of Kleenex while writing this bc I literally cried the whole time while writing this

if any of you have self harm issues please know that I think youre beautiful and your fav totally digs you

please don’t keep it to yourself, let someone know, talk to someone, heck come talk to me cause ill swaddle you up in fuzzy blankets and cuddle you

You think he likes your twin more than you

Taylor:
“Hey tay” i say as i sit next to him,
Waiting for his reply,and surprise surprise,he doest reply,
“Well thanks” i say moving away from him,
“Wanna do something? Im bored”
“Go away” he says flatly,
I sigh and get up,walking out,
He doesnt even look up from his phone,
It honestly doesnt get to me anymore,he ignores me all the time,so its no different from any other day,
I walk into the kitchen and grab so chips,i sit on a stool by the counter,when i decide to go up to my room,
As im passing the living room, i hear y/t/n and taylor talking,
“Can we go to the beach?” She asked sweetly,
“Of course we can” he smiles at her,
I cough slightly too let them know im here,tears streamed from my eyes and ran down my cheeks
Taylor whipped his head around,
And saw me standing there,his face turned to sadness then guilt,
“I know where im not wanted” i say quietly,
I walk up too my room,and lock the door,i slide down it cry for atleast 40-60 minutes.
“Y/n open the door” taylor says
“Go a-away” i said still crying
“Please”
I got up and opened the door
“What do you want” i said
“Im sorry” he says staring at me
“You’re sorry? is that all you can say is im sorry,you pretend asif im invisible,you love y/t/n mor-”
“Thats not true”
“YES ,YES IT IS TAYLOR,AND I DONT KNOW WHAT I DID TOO YOU,BUT YOU STILL CHOOSE TO IGNORE ME,I HATE YOU TAYLOR,DONT TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN” i scream slamming the door in his face and locking it,i carry on crying for what seems like forever.

Matt:
“Mattew,are you coming with us to the mall?” mom shouted
I heard ruffling
“Yeah i gotta get a few things” he replies
“Ok hurry up”
Me,mom and y/t/n walked out to the car and waited for matt,
About 2 minutes later he walked out and got in the car,
I stuck my headphones in and listened to all time low,
When we got to the mall y/t/n ran out squealing ,i trudged behind her
“Mom can we go in this shop?” She asked smiling,
Of course mom said yes.
I was dragged into the shop,there was dresses everywhere.
Ew.
I walked slowly over to the racks and skimmed through them,
Then i saw the most beautiful summer dress,im not usually the dress
Type of person,but this dress was just wow.
I picked it up and saw it was a size smaller than i am,but im quite small
So it should fit,i ran into the changing room with it and saw the rest of my family
Well mom and mathew,y/t/n must be in the changing room
“Mom can i see if this fits?” I asked
“Of course honey” she smiled,
I went behind the curtain and put it on,
“Right i want both of you too come out at the same time”
Mom said,she sounded happy so i couldn’t say no
“1…2….3” she said
I whipped open the curtain,
Moms eyes were on me,and matthews were on y/t/n ,he looked at her
And said
“You look lovely”
Then he turned to me,his face dropped and he looked disgusted
“Mom can you come with me too the register,i wanna pay for these” y/t/n
Interrupted,
Her and my mom got up and walked off,
“What do you think..?” I asked matt,
“It looks too small,either that or you too fat” he laughed.
I looked at him in disbelief,he’d never taken it this far before.
He knew i was self conscious,because we used to be close,then
Y/t/n took over, i used to tell him everything,
Tears streamed down my face as i hid behind the curtain
I took the dress off and threw it on the floor,i got dressed and ran out of the store
Leaving them behind,
I ran to the other end of the mall and cried with my head down,so nobody would notice
I wiped my eyes and looked up,i saw matt walking slowly towards me,
I cried even harder,
He sat down next to me
“Im so sorry y/n..” He said sniffling
I turned my head away from him
He put his hand on my shoulder
“Matthew get off me right now” i said sternly.
“Please just listen to me” he pleaded
“No,i dont what to listen to you,youve done what you’ve done,you knew how self conscious i am,yet you still call me fat,just FUCK OFF” i shouted,now everyone was looking at us
“I hate you” i said as i walked off leaving him there.

Nash:
(There is self harm in this story)

I cried silently looking at the roof,everything was too much
Everyone expected me to be perfect,just like y/t/n,when i couldnt
They all put pressure on me,why dont you dress like y/t/n?
Why arent you pretty like y/t/n,why can you do well at school like y/t/n
What ever i did,she always did it better,they expect me to be exactly like her,

Today nash had gone too far,he called me “fat,ugly and dumb” and he told me
He loved y/t/n more than me and that i should kill myself, i couldnt handle it anymore, i
just want to die,
So thats whats going to happen,im going to die,everyone will be happier,
I will be happy.

I got up and sat at my desk,i got a pen and some paper,and began writing

Dear mom and dad,

Im so sorry im not as perfect as y/t/n,im sorry im an ugly dumb bitch
Thats a disappointment and an embarrassment,but you wont need to worry about
All that stuff now,becuase by the time you read read this,ill be dead,in
a place ive wanted to be for so long,
Tell Nash he got what he wanted,tell him he made my life miserable,he
told me to kill myself.so i will.
Tell him he wont need to remind me im not good enough or that im
Worth it anymore,becuase i wont be there for him to tell me that.

I hope he feels guilty for my death,because he’s the one that drove me too
It,

I love you mom,dad,hayes,sky,and even y/t/n
I will watch down on you from heaven.
~y/n

I folded the paper up and put it on my desk,i wrote mom and dad on the front.
I walked into my bathroom and pulled out my blades and looked at them,
The cold metal danced on my wrist,when i made the first cut,i carried on and on untill i couldnt see
My skin,my vision blurry and my head started spinning,this is it,

NASH’ P.o.v
I felt bad after telling y/n all that stuff,i didnt mean it obviously,
I dont even know why im so horrible too her,i know she hates me,
I mean who who wouldnt, i decided to go see what shes doing
I walked up to her room and knocked on the door
“Y/n” i say,she doesnt reply
“Y/n” i say abit louder,no reply,
I started to get really worried,but then i realised shes probably
Giving me the silent treatment,i knocked on her door and walked in
She wasnt here..weird,i walked over to her bathroom,the door was open slightly
I pushed. It open and i saw my baby sister lying there with bloody arms and a box of
Blades next to her
I instantly started to cry
“Y/N PLEASE GET UP” i screamed shaking her
“PLEASE IM SORRY” i pleaded
“PLEASE” i cried shaking her
“NASH WHATS WRONG” said y/t/n as she walked into her room,
She looked at the mess and looked at me
“THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU SHE SCREAMED”
“YOU TOLD HER TO KILL HERSELF YOU BASTARD”
She screamed,
I just cried,i shook her and shook her but she wouldnt wake up
-
-
These are so bad,im thinking of doing part 2 though idk.

Fatbutfire sent in this gorgeous submission. Here’s what she said:

“i’ve lived my entire life being told how fat i am and how pretty i would be if i lost some weight. ive lived my entire life hating myself and the way i look. ive hid myself and isolated myself because i didnt want people to as much as look at me. ive never been in a relationship because who would ever like me? who would ever want to be with someone who looks like me? about 6 months ago i decided that im actually cute as fuck and i shouldnt let other people dictate what i think about myself. im slowly starting to love myself how i deserve to be loved. i dont look for approval of others anymore. i love me and im cute as hell and no one can tell me otherwise. i love me!!!! fat and stretch marks and cellulite and all. thanks for your blog.”

I’m so pleased to hear about your new positive mindset! Keep it up!

Missing you so much.

In 1 month you would be turning 17, and i wonder everyday what would that be like, if you would be borrowing my clothes and make up, or if you would still play with dolls as you did when you left me here. 

Would you still be funny and sweet as you were?, Never calling me “fat” or things that you know would hurt me. 

I miss you, so much its unbereable, like a hole in the middle of my chest. You were my sister, my only sister and I dont have you by my side anymore. And its really unfair. I would give up my life if that would bring you back.

I’m so afraid noone will remember you but me. Thats one of my greatest fears. If people forget how lovely you were and how strong and brave and how willing to go through hell just to live. 

I want all people to know about you. 

Lucy (Lucia Florencia), was born in February 4th in 1998, when i was six years old, and she was my best friend ever. 

She was really funny and loved to play dress up. She usually used Sailor Moon’s suit and put make up on and it was just hillarious. 

She really liked when i took pictures of her, she was like my model, i really liked taking pictures of her. She is the cutest thing the world has ever had. 

Her hair was long and waivy and dark brown, and her eyes where so bright and charming and obscure at the same time, really misterious.

She played the piano, the violin and had a really good ear and could play lots of songs only by ear, without even know how to read partitures. 

She was bright as hell, but really talkative, and sometimes naughty. Once she came back from school (9 years old), and told my dad, “I have one bad new and one good”, my dad said “Tell me the bad first”, “the teacher put me a bad face on my notebook because i punched Anna on the face, she was being really rude”, and my dad said, “and whats the good one” “That Anna is okey, that we are fine, and it was nothing at all, just that”. He could not stop laughing after that. 

She was my rock, and I was hers. We loved each other even more other sibbligs do. She was the true face of love. 

Her favourite stuffed animal was the racoon you can see in the bed besides her. She was burried with him, his name was “Mapachin”, and he was her fav since she was like 3 years old, when she cut really deep her finger and had to have stitches and mum bought that to her for being so brave. 

She got sick in 2008, she was 10, her back started hurting really bad, and after xrays and exams, mum came back crying like I had never seen her, and my world felt appart. 

I had to go and tell Lucy she had to go to another city to get her back cured. and she asked me if she would have to take some medicine, and it broke my heart.

She had cancer, a new kind of cancer, in one tumor it had different fenotipes and there was no treatment that cured the whole tumor, so they removed it. It didnt work. 

She thought she was cured, my parents never could tell her the truth after that, we were all a reck, really messed up people, we still are. We will always be. Life really took love away from us in such a hurtfull and horrible way its almost impossible to describe. 

Whatever doctors said that she might have or experience, happened. Every single bad thing. She had to lie on a bed for 4 months without moving, cause her brain tumor wouldnt let her. Her lungs tumors filled her lungs with water, so she couldnt breath anymore. 

After some months of unbeareable sadness and hoping for miracles and praying to every god ever existed. Doctors had to put her in medical coma, because she wouldnt get better. Ever. 

And that was it. on June 8th on 2010, my sister died of cancer, in a hospital bed. Her last thing she “said” (she couldnt talk anymore, so she said I LOVE U blinking her eyes really hard), was I love you, to my mum, dad and me. 

And I lost everything. 

The day after that, was when i saw death itself. My sister, insanely pale and blue-ish in a coffin, and i had months and months of nightmares. 

I miss her smell, i miss her voice, and i miss not remembering everything that happened before the illness, because i wasnt really thinking something as destroying as that would happen. 

Im just writing my heart here, you cant see my fingers trembling, or the tears running down my face, but i know you can feel them, because i need to tell you all this. 

Please think of her, even though you didnt know her. She was my baby sister, and my mate, and my love. And i dont have her anymore and I dont want her to be lost in time and noone knowing who she is. 

She couldve been a remarkable piano player, or an actress, or a veterinary,for her love towards animals. But she hadnt the chance to do that.

She didnt have her first kiss

or her first period

or travel to disney world

or be trully in love with someone

and most of the things we enjoy as teens and young adults. She couldnt have them, so please, think of her when u do. Say her name before going to sleep, tell your kids about this amazing girl who lived in Mar del Plata, Argentina and told the kindergarten teacher she wanted to be a Ship captain just like her dad. And how she was not ashamed at all when she asked santa for a HotWeels Car wash instead of a barbie. 

I love you, and I hope you think of her. 

Eugenia Cecilia Arroyo.